cbsf
Dec 23, 2008, 11:02 PM
I first met my ex-fiancée when I transferred to the West Coast office. We worked next to each other and were friends for a year -- she became my closest friend in the city. After she quit to go to law school we began dating. I had long been single, had many female friends but very few previous girlfriends, and in spite of my being eleven years older I sensed it was to be the greatest relationship of my life. She seemed mature and impressed me not only for her looks but with a sweet character. She said that I was ‘a calming presence’ and treated her better than anyone else had. Throwing caution to the wind, I rushed to propose after three months.
My ex had issues I wasn’t previously aware of (chronic use of pot and alcohol) which no doubt played some part of the problem, and later was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder. She’d had some abusive relationships with other drug dependents and in our second year revealed to me that she had been leaving the house late at night to do cocaine. I believe worst of all was her insecurity. I’m insecure myself, though tend to ‘go with the flow’ usually, and avoid exacerbating a touchy situation, but when my ex was feeling threatened she’d become combative and aggressive.
Our conflicts began when she went looking through my e-mail and files on my computer without my knowledge, and eventually trapped me about the contents of an e-mail from a woman whom I had dated but had no interest beyond friendship. I read to her part of one the e-mails I’d received to assure her, but while doing so I skipped over some flirtatious comments this girl had written. Having already read the e-mail, she knew what its full contents were, so was up in arms about my having lied to her. Very quickly I broke off contact with the friend, and would later put friendships with other women I knew on hold, as the pattern of suspicion began.
We fought because I acknowledged that I looked at porn on the Net, which outraged her, so I promised to quit that, too (though ultimately failed). I struggled with the question, that if I truly loved her, then how could it be that I still felt lust for other women? To date, I don’t have an answer. I only could swear that I didn’t want to be with anyone else and would never cheat on her, that fantasy was just part of being human, and that one may always wonder what is on the other side.
Still, she serially invaded my privacy and would go off about something she read in one of my drafts (I write fiction and short stories). Her anxieties worsened; we’d take my dog for a walk and she’d accuse me of checking out other women in the park. I overcompensated by keeping my eyes fixed on her when we’d go out– but then she would be upset if I didn’t look at anyone else because she saw it as an attempt to dodge conflict and was offended. She accused me of being closed off and evasive. To me, trying to be open with her often led to her judgment and criticism over many things I liked and experienced (eg movies , TV shows, art, etc.). It was often hard to share my true feelings with her.
This discord impacted our sex life. She has a highly-charged libido and the first few months I thought our chemistry was intense. But after a while we fell into routine and I found it difficult to keep up the pace with her wants and couldn’t relate to some of them. I felt on edge, given the emotional conflicts we were having more frequently, especially as her suspicions and resentment grew that I was gratifying myself and not satisfying her. She said a lot of damaging things which hurt my ego and undercut my sexual self-confidence. I wasn’t aggressive enough. My attempts at dominant role-play were ‘unconvincing’. She also struck me on multiple occasions, which I was incapable or reluctant to acknowledge as abuse – even though I would’ve immediately sent warnings to my friends if they had been in such a situation. I kept the problems bottled up and felt disloyal if I told anybody about them, although she continually complained to her girlfriends about me and my private problems.
Looking back, I either missed or disregarded a lot of signs – I was in love, and clung to the belief that having a relationship meant making sacrifices. It seems obvious now that I wasn’t loved or appreciated for what I was, but rather was made to feel inadequate. Sometimes I wondered if she might rather be with a thug or a boozy musician like one of her ex’s. Yet I held on to her sweet side – that soft, contrite little girl she became after she’d been out of control.
Despite a year of couples’ therapy, we broke up after two years of engagement and she moved out of our apartment. After some weeks of separation, we continued to call or e-mail each other for about six months – it was a difficult time for me but I thought we were still in love with each other and I harbored hopes of still being with her. Then in March of this year she told me that she no longer felt the same about me, and wanted to ‘redefine’ our relationship. I took this to be the final deathblow to the romance. In April, tearfully she revealed that she had been ‘on a couple of dates with someone’. By this time I expected such, but still I was crushed and felt betrayed. I tried, however, to remain as friends with her – having been a support to her throughout the exams I wanted to see her graduate from law school.
The summer passed, and I tried to calm her stress and give her encouragement as she prepared for the Bar, inviting her over to study all day in the relative tranquility of the apartment we’d once shared. Even through this period she continued to tell me she loved me.
In August, not long after the exams were finished, she stopped contacting me altogether. I refused to call her anymore because not only could I feel her lack of passion toward me on our last date but also realized she was not even treating me as a friend. At this point I gave up; the situation was beyond repair.
Four months later, I continued to feel pangs of hope that she would break the silence, or indicate somehow that she still cared about me, but she didn’t even contact me when the Bar results were announced (by checking the public site, I saw that she passed).
This week I broke down and decided to undelete some files she’d saved on the spare hard drive I’d lent her. Up until now, I’d vowed to myself that I would never invade her privacy. I considered it a Pandora’s Box that would probably only hurt me, but curiosity got the better of me.
I learned that there were at least two other guys she was seeing very soon after she moved out – and judging from the photos they looked to be having intimate encounters. In spite of this, she made no mention of it to me through the winter and it wasn’t until the ‘couple of dates’ revelation in April did I have any hint of what was really going on. In hindsight, perhaps I should’ve suspected she was f---ing around, but given her tyrannical attitude about honesty and telling the truth, I chose to believe that she was really busy with law school, that she was trying to overcome her anxieties and addiction issues, and that all those times she would meet me crying, sometimes inexplicably, that it was just confused hormones and sadness for me.
All the time we were together I believed her with every fiber of my being, and even afterward I hoped against reason for something to improve, but right now it seems I’m probably going to spend the rest of my life trying to undo the damage knowing her has done.
My ex had issues I wasn’t previously aware of (chronic use of pot and alcohol) which no doubt played some part of the problem, and later was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder. She’d had some abusive relationships with other drug dependents and in our second year revealed to me that she had been leaving the house late at night to do cocaine. I believe worst of all was her insecurity. I’m insecure myself, though tend to ‘go with the flow’ usually, and avoid exacerbating a touchy situation, but when my ex was feeling threatened she’d become combative and aggressive.
Our conflicts began when she went looking through my e-mail and files on my computer without my knowledge, and eventually trapped me about the contents of an e-mail from a woman whom I had dated but had no interest beyond friendship. I read to her part of one the e-mails I’d received to assure her, but while doing so I skipped over some flirtatious comments this girl had written. Having already read the e-mail, she knew what its full contents were, so was up in arms about my having lied to her. Very quickly I broke off contact with the friend, and would later put friendships with other women I knew on hold, as the pattern of suspicion began.
We fought because I acknowledged that I looked at porn on the Net, which outraged her, so I promised to quit that, too (though ultimately failed). I struggled with the question, that if I truly loved her, then how could it be that I still felt lust for other women? To date, I don’t have an answer. I only could swear that I didn’t want to be with anyone else and would never cheat on her, that fantasy was just part of being human, and that one may always wonder what is on the other side.
Still, she serially invaded my privacy and would go off about something she read in one of my drafts (I write fiction and short stories). Her anxieties worsened; we’d take my dog for a walk and she’d accuse me of checking out other women in the park. I overcompensated by keeping my eyes fixed on her when we’d go out– but then she would be upset if I didn’t look at anyone else because she saw it as an attempt to dodge conflict and was offended. She accused me of being closed off and evasive. To me, trying to be open with her often led to her judgment and criticism over many things I liked and experienced (eg movies , TV shows, art, etc.). It was often hard to share my true feelings with her.
This discord impacted our sex life. She has a highly-charged libido and the first few months I thought our chemistry was intense. But after a while we fell into routine and I found it difficult to keep up the pace with her wants and couldn’t relate to some of them. I felt on edge, given the emotional conflicts we were having more frequently, especially as her suspicions and resentment grew that I was gratifying myself and not satisfying her. She said a lot of damaging things which hurt my ego and undercut my sexual self-confidence. I wasn’t aggressive enough. My attempts at dominant role-play were ‘unconvincing’. She also struck me on multiple occasions, which I was incapable or reluctant to acknowledge as abuse – even though I would’ve immediately sent warnings to my friends if they had been in such a situation. I kept the problems bottled up and felt disloyal if I told anybody about them, although she continually complained to her girlfriends about me and my private problems.
Looking back, I either missed or disregarded a lot of signs – I was in love, and clung to the belief that having a relationship meant making sacrifices. It seems obvious now that I wasn’t loved or appreciated for what I was, but rather was made to feel inadequate. Sometimes I wondered if she might rather be with a thug or a boozy musician like one of her ex’s. Yet I held on to her sweet side – that soft, contrite little girl she became after she’d been out of control.
Despite a year of couples’ therapy, we broke up after two years of engagement and she moved out of our apartment. After some weeks of separation, we continued to call or e-mail each other for about six months – it was a difficult time for me but I thought we were still in love with each other and I harbored hopes of still being with her. Then in March of this year she told me that she no longer felt the same about me, and wanted to ‘redefine’ our relationship. I took this to be the final deathblow to the romance. In April, tearfully she revealed that she had been ‘on a couple of dates with someone’. By this time I expected such, but still I was crushed and felt betrayed. I tried, however, to remain as friends with her – having been a support to her throughout the exams I wanted to see her graduate from law school.
The summer passed, and I tried to calm her stress and give her encouragement as she prepared for the Bar, inviting her over to study all day in the relative tranquility of the apartment we’d once shared. Even through this period she continued to tell me she loved me.
In August, not long after the exams were finished, she stopped contacting me altogether. I refused to call her anymore because not only could I feel her lack of passion toward me on our last date but also realized she was not even treating me as a friend. At this point I gave up; the situation was beyond repair.
Four months later, I continued to feel pangs of hope that she would break the silence, or indicate somehow that she still cared about me, but she didn’t even contact me when the Bar results were announced (by checking the public site, I saw that she passed).
This week I broke down and decided to undelete some files she’d saved on the spare hard drive I’d lent her. Up until now, I’d vowed to myself that I would never invade her privacy. I considered it a Pandora’s Box that would probably only hurt me, but curiosity got the better of me.
I learned that there were at least two other guys she was seeing very soon after she moved out – and judging from the photos they looked to be having intimate encounters. In spite of this, she made no mention of it to me through the winter and it wasn’t until the ‘couple of dates’ revelation in April did I have any hint of what was really going on. In hindsight, perhaps I should’ve suspected she was f---ing around, but given her tyrannical attitude about honesty and telling the truth, I chose to believe that she was really busy with law school, that she was trying to overcome her anxieties and addiction issues, and that all those times she would meet me crying, sometimes inexplicably, that it was just confused hormones and sadness for me.
All the time we were together I believed her with every fiber of my being, and even afterward I hoped against reason for something to improve, but right now it seems I’m probably going to spend the rest of my life trying to undo the damage knowing her has done.