Hi all, I need some help.

I posted this on another forum unrelated to relationship advice about 1 week ago.

"have been with my girlfriend for 8 years and we are both very much in love. Not only that but she is my best friend. I am a completely different person now at 28 than i was when i met her. She is Canadian and im English. We met in england in 2000 and 3 years ago i moved out here to Canada with her.

Then 3 months ago she got a job offer in Paris on a 1 year contract and for the last 6 weeks i've been living alone. She is coming back for Xmas and we are both counting the days. The other variable is that after that one year is up there is the possibility of her working in their malaysia office. Its a great career opportunity for her and im terrifyed that she would see it as too good to turn down.

When your with somebody for 8 years and everyday you come home to the same face even if its late and you both go straight to bed it becomes such a dominant feature of your life that you can barely remember what life was like before that 8 years began. Then when suddenly that stops its heartbreaking. As a person i have always hidden my feelings from everyone around me, even my closest family, i hate asking for help and i hate showing weakness. Now i find myself feeling more vulnerable than ever before and the one person who knows me best is gone.

Another aspect of a long term relationship is that you take your other half for granted, and its only when they're gone do you realise how much you love them. In my case absence really does make the heart grow fonder. I am definately taking this a lot harder than her so maybe that study is correct.

The strongest part of our relationship has always been the communication. We both express our feeling in full and thats why we are lovers and best friends. Im scared that if every time i speak to her i show how vulnerable i am feeling that she will find me less attractive which will weaken our relationship and maybe make the choice of whether to go to malaysia or not easier. By hiding my feelings it goes against everything our relationship has stood for and that my friends is the dilemma i face."

Then yesterday she called me and said although she didn't want to do it on the phone that she MAY want to break up.

We have talked and e-mailed constantly in that period and the best way I can sum up her feelings is by showing you some of the reasons she gave by e-mail.

"Essentially, I experienced a healthy curiosity throughout our relationship, because of my inexperience with other men. Then with the unfixable downturn in our sex lives which we can't seem to get passed...I got more of the nagging feeling that maybe we are sexually incompatible and just amazing friends. Then the healthy curiosity changed until constant questioning which I have been able to suppress because in all other areas you are way beyond my expectations. I don't know if I should compromise or if I should look elsewhere because I don't know what is out there. So I'm left with this unanswered question forever more, that I just had to tell you about. It felt like the only way to answer it is to say, we have to separate. It's not like I just called to say I was leaving you. That was never the plan. Ever."

And...

"Not quite. Actually there is a second and much more important part and that is I need to find out what I'm like in other relationships. Do I naturally sabotage things that are good and question them because of my deep thinking nature or I need to find out if there is something innately wrong with my feelings toward our relationship in particular.
Because I really cannot tell why I want to leave you because you've done nothing that wrong. So I need to know if I'm just like that in relationships or if there is something wrong with our relationship. I really cannot tell because my feelings for you are so deep and we have such an amazing history."

And...

"If I asked you to wait for me for 6 months would that be weird/make more sense? Because I don't know if I can really BE without you in my life. I really don't know. Ultimately I do want to be together. That is ALL I want. Is just to be happy with you."


I can also tell you that I met her at 16 and I am her only long term relationship and her only lover. There were a few girls before her but nothing serious. She is my only long term relationship too.

Tomorrow she flies in to Canada for Xmas and will be staying for 10 days. In that time we have both agreed to act as normal as possible, still be affectonate, as we were before and see how it goes. Maybe its just because we have been apart for so long for the first time in 8 years. Although after reading this forum I think this is it and I am mentally preparing myself for the NO CONTACT stage when she leaves. I will also be moving back to England to be with my family as I have nothing here and I need their support.

Where do I go from here?

I advise you not to wait till she leaves. But, to start no contact effective immediately.

Can you elaborate?

Also I live with her Mother and brother who are like familly to me. I can't initiate the no contact stage because we haven't really sat down face to face and talked about it. Besides I can't get a flight home before new years eve and I have finincial obligations to terminate.

I expect to be here in Canada for another 2 weeks.

I think the handwriting is on the wall, and your plan for no contact maybe can't start now, but it's the best thing to do after you leave.

If you don't you'll be stuck in the past, and without a life of your own.

I think the handwriting is on the wall, and your plan for no contact maybe can't start now, but its the best thing to do after you leave.

If you don't you'll be stuck in the past, and without a life of your own.



He is correct you will be stuck in the past... I am there now because I am not following what these smart people are saying... still stuck in denial

Some questions:

There are going to be moments in the next 10 days when both of us are going to break down. There will be lots of tears I'm afraid.

How do I get through these 10 days without looking like a love sick puppy? Do I walk away when I feel I'm about to break down? How should I proceed so there is still a chance she will come back to me?

I have too much pride to beg so that's not on the cards.

Q2. Can someone interpret or relate to the comments she made?

Q3. How do I tell her towards the end that I am breaking all contact without looking like I'm closing the door on the possibility of a future relationship?

Thanks.

I would try to avoid her as much as possible. Avoid all those grueling face to face talks. It will only give you more imbalance in your life.

Q2 - You met her when she was very young and she wants an opportunity to see what else is out there. There's probably a very good chance that at first she'll find it to be disappointing compared to what you guys had. That doesn't necessarily mean she'll change her mind about what she does.

Q3 - If what comes to pass does, tell her that you need some time away from her communication to get yourself sorted out. Do let her know that if she changes her mind (ie the 6 months) for her to get in touch with you, and may feel that its worth trying again, but you won't know for sure.

I would try to avoid her as much as possible. Avoid all those grueling face to face talks. It will only give you more imbalance in your life.

Im not sure this is wise. I am more imbalanced now that I ever was.

She is going to want to talk in detail about us. At the moment she is as confused as me.

We both need to talk so we can understand the situation and maybe get closure if that is possible. At the moment there are too many ifs and buts floating around for me to ignore her.

Im not sure this is wise. I am more imbalanced now that i ever was.

She is going to want to talk in detail about us. At the moment she is as confused as me.

We both need to talk so we can understand the situation and maybe get closure if that is possible. At the moment there are too many ifs and buts floating around for me to ignore her.

Wow your story sounds exactly the same as mine. When she comes down to canada, both of you are going to break down and there is going to be a lot of begging and pleading going on. You don't need to tell her about the whole NC thing. The whole point of her breaking up with you is that she doesn't want you in her life, that involves talkiing to you(Harsh but true).
Just remember this you had a life before you met her, you will have a life after she leaves.

Its really not like this break up is about two people that hate each other. Its about changes that have to be made for ones future.

Instead of dreading it, and be in denial, embrace it as an end to a great adventure with many to follow. Sure you both may break down a bit because you shared a great time. Enjoy this moment, wish her well, and honestly want the best for your friend.

Yeah, it always sucks to go through these changes, and no doubt you'll miss each other.

Share this last time, and then get moving on. Be honest as you will need to heal, so will she, and at least the shock, and confusion, shouldn't bother you as much, since you have a chance for some closure.

This is something you go through, sad as it is, but you do it celebration of what comes next.

Good Life, to you both.

I know already that the thing that will hurt the most is that she is going to meet and sleep with another guy.

Is it normal to imagine him to be more successful than me, a better lover than me etc etc?

Or is that just my own insecurities making me think like that?

I know already that the thing that will hurt the most is that she is going to meet and sleep with another guy.

Is it normal to imagine him to be more successful than me, a better lover than me etc etc?

Or is that just my own insecurities making me think like that?


Perfectly normal to think that way... But do not dwell on it too much because you are thinking about something no of us can control..

What I do when I start to think that way is I get up and walk around and look for something to do or read...

But its just a part of the process good luck

That's very reasonable. If it is definitely over, you need to find closure.

I know already that the thing that will hurt the most is that she is going to meet and sleep with another guy.

Is it normal to imagine him to be more successful than me, a better lover than me etc etc?

Or is that just my own insecurities making me think like that?

Perfectly normal.But you have to remember more successful and a better lover are all relative terms.Keep yourself busy , distract yourself with other things so you don't have time to think about this.Good Luck

That's very reasonable. If it is definitely over, you need to find closure.

I appreciate your help but this is the second time you have posted one liners with elaborating and so I'm not sure I understand your why your saying what you say.


What's reasonable? Why is it defintately over?

Ok, I apologize. You responded to me in the previous page, and I responded. I also said, IF IT'S definitely over. What I THINK you should do now is, enjoy this last time together, then heal.

Thanks, I understand better now.

I know already that the thing that will hurt the most is that she is going to meet and sleep with another guy.

Is it normal to imagine him to be more successful than me, a better lover than me etc etc?

Or is that just my own insecurities making me think like that?

Guess what? You will too.

And the rest is just your insecurities.

I know already that the thing that will hurt the most is that she is going to meet and sleep with another guy.

Is it normal to imagine him to be more successful than me, a better lover than me etc etc?

Or is that just my own insecurities making me think like that?

Yeah bro, that's totally normal. I'd say don't get too hung up on it - but you will anyway ;)

Part of us always wants our ex's to sit in a little box for the rest of their lives so they don't meet anyone else (it's selfish but true). But the reality is they (and you) will move on to other people. Some things about that other person they might like more or less... or it might be completely different. You'll never know-- and probably shouldn't know as you are moving along with your life too and don't need hangups like that getting in the way or your personal productivity.

Just remember that we're all going through or have gone through this kind of thing. You're not alone.

Just hang in there and try to focus on yourself. Become bigger and stronger.

Well we spoke this morning and basically its clear its over. She needs to go out there and experience a new relationship with another man and only then will she know if what we had was good.

The good thing is that although there are something's I could say to make her stay with me a bit longer that "what if" question will always be there and so I would only be prolonging the inevitable. I see that despite my pain and so I won't be in denial.

Unfortunately she is here for another 9 days and that 9 days is going to be agony. Somehow I need to grit my teeth and hang in there. When she leaves I can start the No Contact stage and start/continue to grieve.

One other strange thing is that when I look her she looks different. Our relationship is already profoundly affected. Since she harrived last night we have tried to pretend nothing has happened but everything is different.

I wonder if "I" could even continue with her even though I love her.

It's been exactly 1 week of no contact and its been up and down. More down this particular night.

I have been thinking hard about what went wrong and more specifically what I couldn't give her that made her come to this decision. My question is related to that.

I have a very important question that id like to ask her but that will obviously break the no contact. The question I have has been haunting for me for days and I'm not sure if the answer will help me move on, but it could give me real insight into why she is looking for someone else. What do I do?

You stay with No Contact, that's what you do. Ask her nothing.

Ok, I will. Just out of interest, what's your reasoning?

Hello again! Thanks for everyone support in the past. Everything has changed and again I need some advice.

I have moved on and met someone else. I am having a great time with this girl. My ex on the other hand wants me back. She met someone and even though he is more successful than me in his career she compared him to me in every way and he came up short, It made her realize how much she wanted me back. Unfortunately I don't know if I feel the same way. Now I face the prospect of telling her this. It breaks my heart to have to do it. Especially because I know everything else in her life is in a bad way.

She has gone as far as looking for jobs in back in Canada and leaving France where she has been since Sep 08.

How do I approach this situation?

Thanks.

You tell her you have moved on. Remember she didn't want to be with now she suddenly does. Cut your losses.

If you truly don't feel the same way, you can't lead her on. You have to be direct with her. It might break your heart to have to break hers but doing this will guide her into not clinging on to hope that isn't there. If her life is bad in other respects, stringing her along is going to provide false support. She needs to face these on her own. Tell her directly about how you feel, that you are happy with a new person and you no longer have feelings of wanting to be with her.

Tell her the truth.

You've moved on, met someone else, and your feelings for her has died down.


I understand you don't know if you feel the same way. You need to stay away from her if you're still unsure. You have a new girlfriend and you're having a great time, do not cut yourself short. Have fun man, don't worry about her.

So you broke NC, that's to bad. Go back to it. Nothing has changed except you have moved on with your life.

Or have you forgotten the misery, and pain, and confusion, you came here with.

I am going through exactly the same thing.
I have been with my boyfriend about 9 years now. We met in the US although both of us are coming from different parts of the world. Me turkey he is from Japan. I broke up with him 9months ago but because we are so used to each other and financially we need each other we still live in the same house and work for the same company.
We both moved to Denmark then to the UK for the same companies. Our world is so packed with the same kind of people, we almost became like our own islands... I think as I got older I started to feel I actually might want to experience different things, like a different life even, and I totally can relate to your girlfriend. She needs to experience differences and see what she really had... and might have in the future.
Also age and life stages make such a big difference, you start to see a new kind of you, and want to follow that. Especially the job she is doing it might be changing her, which mine did, it revealed a new me... and that changed everything...
So I think 8 years is not easy to end, actually beyond hard, almost feels like you are pulling your won nail out. But sometimes you have to do it. It hurts you more in some ways because she is the one who is putting in the words, but I believe it must be beyond hurting her.
I think there is a beautiful quote for this, SET IT FREE and if it comes back, it has been always yours... and you know Set yourself free, you don't know what is waiting for you also!