My ex has never been around before nor after the birth and it has been two years now. He is not on the birth certif. He wants nothing with her, but he has said if he can't get his case granted for him to give up all his rights including child support and if he still has to support her then he has said he will want custody. I know the only reason why he's doing that not because he cares about her but to decrease is child support because he has done it with his three other boys with another ex. What can I do and is there anything I can do to stop him from getting any kind of custody and visitations for my daughters well being? Can I request that he gives up his rights, all of them? What if I request it and he doesn't show up to court, what happens then?

I think you can just don't even discuss it with him and eventually when he takes you to court tell the Judge that he has never had ANY involvement with your kid. The Judge should see (or you could explain) that he is simply doing this to get out of support.
It is highly unlikely any Judge will grant him custody because you already have custody, he has shown no interest and he would have to prove you an unfit mother and that he is a fit father.

If he doesn't show up in court then he has no rights to her.if he wants to give up his rights to her then let him! She doesn't need him in her life.If down the road she decides to seek him out then you should support her either good or bad be there for her and show her that you love her no matter what!

Even if he gives up his rights he is still responsible for child support.

I think you can just don't even discuss it with him and eventually when he takes you to court tell the Judge that he has never had ANY involvement with your kid. The Judge should see (or you could explain) that he is simply doing this to get out of support.
It is highly unlikely any Judge will grant him custody because you already have custody, he has shown no interest and he would have to prove you an unfit mother and that he is a fit father.

This is poor advice. If he starts asking about visitation and you refuse to discuss it till it gets to a court room then you risk losing custody altogether. Its called parental alienation. You have already looked into your future when you stated that he has done this before with his other children. Also its in the child's best interest to see her father. You laid with the man and made a baby so now your going to have to deal with the reality you created. If he starts asking for visitation then start figuring out how to work it. At best it might be supervised but later he will get more and more if he sticks to the agreements and eventually overnights. Prepare yourself.

(quote )smburns5 disagrees: very poor answer, I have taken my role of the parent it is him how hasn't, just because a guy has sex and abandon the child should just be able to walk right back in to the child's life, he is a complete stranger to the both of us. ( end quote )

You may not like the answer but it was legal. And if you plan on alienating the child from him the you will lose custody altogether. If you don't like the laws then get someone in high enough power to change them but while they exist you need to obey them.
And on a side note laying with strangers is never a good idea ( that's the mess your in now )

Sorry you don't want to hear true legal advice. Esp in California, Califdad knows their stuff.

The issue here is that the bio father can demand a DNA test be proven to the father and get his rights, that may just be visitation, so your best bet is to work things out with him,

Easy guys - I think we can dispense with the moral judgements the girl just wants some help here. I have been in a similar position to hers so know the terror she is feeling right now.

Custody, child support and visitation laws can vary a lot for state to state. I wouldn't do anything until I got some professional legal advice. If you can't retain a family law attorney you should be able to get some help filing pro se at your county court house. As far as losing custody for not allowing visitation due to parental alienation - that would be after you made an agreement not before. It's hard to tell from your post if you two have a legal agreement but if not until you have at least filed your petition at the court house you are wise not to let your baby out of your sight. If he makes a sincere request for visitation allow him to visit at your house. It would be unwise to wait around for him to file on you in court. You are far better off filing yourself.

In my state if a parent relinquishes all parental rights they are no longer on the hook for child support. The flip side is that this is rarely granted unless there is another parent willing to adopt the child as their own. As far as him losing all his parental rights just for missing a court appearance - not likely.

It isn't easy but you need to communicate with this guy so you can really see where he is coming from and take out the guess work. If you can afford it - the easy way to do this is in a mediation with your attorney present. I know you feel like you have done all the work, suffering and sacrificing and now this interloper is stepping in just because he donated some genetic material. It seems terribly unfair. Being abandoned by the father while pregnant is huge and it's effects on your psychie are immencely primal and are making it difficult for you to look at this rationally as it requires a level of trust that he has not earned. Still the law requires it so you must put these fierce emotions and instincts aside and do what ultimately is in the best interests of your daughter. You may be spot on about his motives or you could be assuming something and be way off.

You won't know until you sit down and hash things out. If he is only doing this because of the child support issue and you feel you can raise her on your own without his financial support - tell him so. If he can manage it and still save face he will probably take the deal and run. It may be however that he truly does want to be involved in her life and if that is the case it would be in your daughter's best interests to have a relationship with her father. When girls become teenagers they can really go through some tough issues about a missing parent and the last thing you need is to have her thinking that you ruined her opportunity of knowing her father. She won't understand that you may have done it out of love and understandable fears and will harbor resentment towards you for it.

It will be incredibly painful to have her visit with him at first and I know the mere suggestion of him taking her overnight is chilling you to the bone, but with time you will become more accustomed to it and by the time she is of an age for overnights it will be easier and you may actually welcome the break.

I know you are shaking your head right now thinking no way! My daughter is four now and spends every other Friday night and Saturday day with her dad. It was really tough at first but we figured out what would work out best for her and now she looks forward to seeing him and he and I are actually almost friends.

Take some deep breaths, ask for some help from a higher power to do the right thing and get some good legal advice from someone who knows your state's laws. Good luck and hang tough.

This is poor advice. If he starts asking about visitation and you refuse to discuss it till it gets to a court room then you risk losing custody altogether. Its called parental alienation. You have already looked into your future when you stated that he has done this before with his other children. Also its in the childs best interest to see her father. You layed with the man and made a baby so now your going to have to deal with the reality you created. If he starts asking for visitation then start figuring out how to work it. At best it might be supervised but later he will get more and more if he sticks to the agreements and eventually overnights. Prepare yourself.

I wasn't referring to visitations. I was referring to his wanting custody to get out of paying child support. Of course if he wants visitations then she needs to discuss that with him. But it doesn't sound like he wants visitations. It sounds like he wants all or nothing.

I didn't notice anywhere where she said he wants visitations. In fact she has said he has NOTHING to do with her. He is a complete stranger not looking for visitation. So how can it be alienation?

---He wants nothing with her, but he has said if he can't get his case granted for him to give up all his rights including child support and if he still has to support her then he has said he will want custody.

PLUS I was saying what I said because they can argue all they want and if it not be something the Judge would go for then they got into ugly battles for nothing. At very least they need to go through lawyers or mediators.

Visitation and custody ( physical ) are directly tied to each other. The more visitation as defined by the state the more percentage of " physical custody " time. In most states when that time is significant then it can effect child support levels. When talking to an ex that wants to ( for whatever motivation ) be involved in the child's life you can't just simply ignore it. Its always best to listen and document so when it does reach the courtroom for denial or approval you have something to stand on.
As far as mediation with your lawyer present that wouldn't be considered mediation ( that's negotiation ) mediation is suppose to be nuetral and non threatening environment for both parties involved with a mediator to assist in problem resolution and to insure it stays non threatening. That way both parties have a chance to express their feelings and problems can be resolved or have the issues passed to the courts.
As far as this OP is concerned it's a tough road. But along the way they must deal with reality. As Fr_chuck has said in most cases if the NCP isn't a direct threat to the child / children then most likely they will gain some form of physical custody so long as they too play by the rules of the court.
Many courts have guidelines for re-establishment of visitation even after longer periods. It may start with 0% physical custody and graduate from there over time but it can be done. Its in the best interest of the child ( assuming NCP isn't a direct threat ) to know both parents and that has been upheld in long standing by the courts.

I meant ignore in the sense of not getting into arguments or getting scared. I didn't mean don't go through whatever needs to be dealt with. Yes everything needs to be documented and dealt with but
Getting into arguments when he says he is going for full custody is not going to accomplish anything.
From what the OP is saying if he does go to court and is only granted visitations I doubt he would even bother with the visitations.
Actually I didn't even say ignore. I said do not discuss meaning tell him but don't let him get into word battles.

The issues is to the court, child support and child visit are two separate issues, they may be discussed at the same hearing, but one does not pay for visits, and one does not stop visits because the other is not paying.

The bio parent will have rights to see their child, even those with drug histories and other problems will get at least supervised visits, and this is court supervised in centers, not sitting in the parents home. The court will view a parent who has not did visits before, as one who needs to be worked into it, limited with supervised at first, perhaps counseling for the child to go along with this, and/or the custody parent if they are fighting it too much to make sure they do not talk bad about the other parent at home in front of the child.

In most cases they will be asked to do mediation, and if one party refuses, often the court is less likely to be as favorable toward them.

In the end, it is better to work along with them to make it go peaceful, than a long fight where no one wins

The issues is to the court, child support and child visit are two seperate issues, they may be discussed at the same hearing, but one does not pay for visits, and one does not stop visits because the other is not paying.

The bio parent will have rights to see thier child, even those with drug histories and other problems will get at least supervised visits, and this is court supervised in centers, not sitting in the parents home. The court will view a parent who has not did visits before, as one who needs to be worked into it, limited with supervised at first, perhaps couseling for the child to go along with this, and/or the custody parent if they are fighting it too much to make sure they do not talk bad about the other parent at home in front of the child.

In most cases they will be asked to do mediation, and if one party refuses, often the court is less likely to be as favorable toward them.

In the end, it is better to work along with them to make it go peaceful, than a long fight where no one wins

Exactly what I am getting at. Parents can haggle over 'their rights' or what they want and it is all wasted time, breath and energy when it comes down to it and the Judge tells the father all he is allowed is supervised visits and pay $xxx.00 per month.

Easy guys - I think we can dispense with the moral judgements the girl just wants some help here. I have been in a similar position to hers so know the terror she is feeling right now.

In my state if a parent relinquishes all parental rights they are no longer on the hook for child support. The flip side is that this is rarely granted unless there is another parent willing to adopt the child as their own. As far as him losing all his parental rights just for missing a court appearance - not likely. .


I don't see any moral judgments here - I just see advice.

At any rate - what State are you in? This "relinquishment" question is posted all the time. Of course, with adoption the natural father is no longer the father so there is no support.

There were some earlier quotes saying that she laid with the man now she has to deal with the results. I would consider this a thinly veiled moral put down and I really didn't think it was relevant or appropriate at the time.

In Colorado a parent is not allowed to reliquish his or her parental rights entirely just to duck out of child support even if the custodial parent is in agreement. The court feels that this isn't in the best interest of the child or the state for that matter if the custodial parent is not capable of caring for the child without financial help. They will allow it if the custodial parent remarries and the spouse is willing to adopt the child as their own. This isn't heresay - I heard this right from a magistrates mouth. In fact in Colorado a child support or custody hearing is one of the few civil hearings in which a judge will issue a bench warrant for an FTA. This I know first hand because as a parole officer I have had to arrest several people on these warrants over the years. Colo is a very proactive state where family law is concerned.

I'm glad you stepped in on this thread though because I think smburns could use some good professional advice here.

There were some earlier quotes saying that she laid with the man now she has to deal with the results. I would consider this a thinly veiled moral put down and I really didn't think it was relevant or appropriate at the time.

In Colorado a parent is not allowed to reliquish his or her parental rights entirely just to duck out of child support even if the custodial parent is in agreement. The court feels that this isn't in the best interest of the child or the state for that matter if the custodial parent is not capable of careing for the child without financial help. They will allow it if the custodial parent remarries and the spouse is willing to adopt the child as their own. This isn't heresay - I heard this right from a magistrates mouth. In fact in Colorado a child support or custody hearing is one of the few civil hearings in which a judge will issue a bench warrant for an FTA. This I know first hand because as a parole officer I have had to arrest several people on these warrants over the years. Colo is a very proactive state where family law is concerned.

I'm glad you stepped in on this thread though because I think smburns could use some good professional advice here.




And that's the basic discussion all the time - can a parent relinquish his/her rights - and on what grounds - ? What you have posted is pretty similar in the various States.

Glad to see somebody, somewhere is arresting deadbeats, both mothers and fathers.

Unfortunately, despite this being a legal board (and you will probably see this if you stick around) "we" get the same questions over and over. Usually the mother is a nut job and the father is a drug addict - right after they break up. Until that time there was no problem having a child with this person. Eventually somebody cracks~

I try to keep it onto the legal topic but sometimes the "personal" info (such as supportive info) creeps in. And you'll see that not everyone who posts is a regular. We have a lot of what I call "one hit wonders." Come out of nowhere, post something that makes little or no sense and vanishes. Most of them aren't worth addressing.

Plus school is out in most places - :D - and there's nothing to do but come on over here and chime in.

I can imagine. I just felt sorry for the girl as she was being pushed back and forth without getting anything of value. Hopefully she will get an attorney and everything will work out.

I can imagine. I just felt sorry for the girl as she was being pushed back and forth without getting anything of value. Hopefully she will get an attorney and everything will work out.


Fingers crossed - and I wish people would come back and post the follow up. How did things work out? Were "we" right or wrong?