This is going to be long... My husband and I have been married for 4 years. We have two children 11 and 2. He works out of town 4 days a week, and I work shiftwork. We don't have a lot of time together as a family, let along as a couple. I expect him to be with us on his days home, and he is resentful of this. "I'm making him give up his friends, I don't have any friends, so I don't want him to have any either, I'm just lazy and want to sit home all the time, I never want to do anything", etc. Why would I want to do anything with him when it always ends in a fight? He won't do anything unless it involves drinking too. He would never see a movie, because they don't sell beer. He'll go bowling or play cards at someone's house, because he can drink while he's doing that.

When I'm at work and he is home with the kids, I can't trust him to take care of them as he should. If someone stops over, he spends the evening in the garage drinking with them, then usually leaves them home and goes to the bar. He leaves our daughter to take care of the 2yo. She can, and has, many times, but it's not her responsibility, it's his. He definitely has a problem, he's a binge drinker. He's not like you and I, we can go out with friends and have a drink or two or three, and quit there. He can't quit. He has to continue until 230 when they kick him out. Then he drives home, drunk of course, comes in and wants to pick a fight, and gets even more mad when I won't fight. He can't see that what he is doing is wrong, and affecting the rest of us. Because naturally he's so sick and hung over the next day, he wants to lay in bed all day. So there is both of his days home ruined. We have started counseling, but I think he only goes to pacify me and won't use this opportunity to his advantage to better himself. He thought yesterday that the lady was picking on him specifically, so he just sat there and agreed with whatever she said. He doesn't think what he does is wrong. We have made agreements in the past, like on my weekends off we'll get a sitter and do something together, but he can't drink when I'm at work and he's supposed to be taking care of the kids. But he can't stick to it. I don't think asking him not to drink 2 weekends a month is too much to ask. He sees it as I'm forcing him to watch the kids all the time. Well, you are their dad, who else should be watching them? Is my thought. He told me the other day he wants me to be the person he married, and that he is the same person I married. Yes, he's the same person, and that's the problem. When you are married and have a family, that going out and drinking like your single ends in my eyes. You put your children and family first before yourself. I am a different person, I have two children and am married now, I don't want to be at the bar all the time like we were when we met. I could just let him do as he pleases, and we live our separate lives, but then who will have the children when I'm at work on afternoon shift, or midnights, or working all weekend? And how are we going to afford more child care then we already pay for, on top of him spending money at the bar?

We are very close to a separation or divorce because of this. I can't trust him when I'm at work. I don't like to go places with him anymore, because he never knows when to leave, and it's an embarrassment when he drinks too much. He hates it that when we go somewhere, like over to my parent's house, I watch him to see how much he's drinking. Money is tight right now, overtime for me has disappeared and everything costs more. We can not afford to run one household, let alone two if we were to separate. I can't afford to buy him out of the house if we were to divorce, and he won't be able to do the same. Any suggestions on how to save this marriage?

He has a real drinking problem. He is an alcoholic. Unfortunately when you met him in a bar he thought you were a party girl like he is party guy. You were fun to be with when you were drinking (at least in his eyes you probably were) and you two got married. Now you "grew up" and he didn't. You need to either start spending time with him at his bars and with his friends or risk being more alone than you already are. I was married to an alki who drank at least several cases of beer a week and more beer that he had after work before I came home. I just let him do whatever he wanted without me and made my own life alone (even though we were still married and lived together). It's not an easy choice to make for you. Counseling is okay, but this will not solve his being an alcoholic. He just didn't grow up and started to act like a responsible adult (he probably never will either). You'll just have to grin and bear it until you can scrape enough money together to either have him leave or you leave. Your situation is not a win-win situation. It is heartbreaking. One thing I would suggest would be for you to not nag at him about anything. It's falling on deaf ears and will continue to fall on deaf ears or make him want to seek another woman's congenial (drinking) company.

Sounds basically like my ex and married life was for me.
You have to realize even if you got him to stop drinking where would you go from there? You know he doesn't enjoy going to movies or whatever you want to do as a couple. You know it always ends up in a fight. Even if he miraculously decided he wanted to quite he would not suddenly change into a family man and husband.
You can insist he do things whether he quit drinking or not but it is not in him to enjoy the things you enjoy so it is going to end up with him resenting you and causing arguments.

You may have to just tell him that you want to separate and go from there. Do not support his habit with your money. If he runs out of money because he drank it all don't give him money for what he needs. If you have to live in separate rooms and you get your own life do it. He is not going to change for the better or you would have seen some improvement and cooperation with the counseling you are getting.

Twinkie, I have thought of the just live separate lives answer, and that is what I am leaning towards at the moment. We have only gone to a few counseling sessions, and am hoping that someone else's point of view on the situation will be good for the both of us. The only issues I have are who is going to watch our children when I am at work and he wants to do what he wants to do? My mother already watches them when I am on afternoons and he is gone at work, I have daycare for when I am on dayshift, and my grandmother watches them at night when I'm on midnights, but only on the days when he is not home, and I don't feel that I can ask them for any more help. His family is no help at all, they are all pretty selfish and self-serving, no wonder where he got it from. All of our finances are tied together, and I don't see an easy way to untangle them. My check appears to be much less than his, but I pay all the insurances for the family, while he does not. We both make decent money, but I think it's time to start liquidating, even at a loss, to simplify things.

I'm pretty much at the point to where one more time of my daughter calling me at work because she's been stuck with watching the 2yo while he drinks with my stepdad or his buddies is going to break the camel's back. I guess I'll see what happens next month when I'm on afternoons again. Thanks for your point of view...

Sounds like my life, except I don't have kids. I'm totally stuck in this house with my husband and can't sell the place unless we foreclose on the property. It's unbelievable how selfish someone can be because they've become addicted.

I wish I had an answer, but it's more fuel for the fire... my husband is the same. I am also on the 3 to midnight shift, and there have been many times where he will end up at some bar (in the middle of the week!) and stays drinking until they kick him out. A lot of the times he doesn't end up coming home that night... then he knows he'll be "in trouble" so he won't come home for another day, or even 2! This last time he still hasn't come home. And HE IS WITH HIS MOM! That's where he ends up every time he is doing the 2 day or 3 day binge. He even will get drunk at a bar and drive past our house to his moms, which is waaay farther than our house... and pass out in his car. Thankfully he has not gotten any DWIs or been in any wrecks... but I am really scared, and FED UP with being left alone all the time! He thinks I just don't "trust him". We don't have any kids yet and we are trying, but please... before you say the obvious... "GET RID OF HIM!"... I love him a lot, and want to help him. These aren't every weekend, maybe once a month or 2 and they come out of NOWHERE and cause us to question whether we want to stay together. And yes, of course, it's always my fault that he doesn't come home (according to him)... like, since I get mad at him for being at the bar that makes him not want to tell me where he is, or makes him want to drink even more, and makes him want to not come home. It's like he regresses back to a college freshmen sometimes! I really just don't want to give up on my husband. He is my second husband, and I would hate to give up on him. Other than the binges, he is a great person. Could it just be the fact that he has been unemployed for the last few months? Any suggestions?

My husband is on SSI Im his payee no matter how much or how little amount of money I give him he drinks with It. Even If I don't give him money he still finds a way to drink. If I don't give him money then we get in a huge fight. He is drinking a tremendous amount everyday. Im at my wits end. What can I do. Any help would be greatly appreciated.