Hey guys,

I thought I'd ask some people's opinions on a new situation that has been going on in my life. There is this girl on my floor that I have talked to casually off and on through this semester at college. It all began a little bit before I broke up with my ex (just as friends) and about a week after we broke up it took a turn. We hooked up every weekend for about 3 weeks straight! To me it was pretty ridiculous. However, I want to put forth that all of these incidents involved alcohol and a lot of mixed feelings (at least on my part).

She put forth the flirting and pretty much came on to me, I responded taking the hints and made a move. Anyway, it has been about a month in a half since this all began, we talked a lot through the three weeks and even after. These were all pretty deep and insightful conversations, as I'm not really casual when it comes to talking to girls who I consider to be becoming more than friends. I took her to a few parties, we got food together a few times, but nothing has been clearly put out there regarding what we are (if anything). All the while this little relationship was going on, my ex girlfriend was in the background making comments to me (over texting) to other people on the floor etc. and so on. This new girl knew about all of these things and there were a couple of times where the drama on the floor got a little out of hand due to everyone having a piece in the whole thing. My relationship with my ex and with the new girl was pretty much common knowledge.

Anyway, thanksgiving break rolled around and now we are all back (for about a week and a half). The girl and I haven't really had the same relationship since then, not really talking as much or hanging out, which I attribute to some degree to finals. I had mentioned earlier on in the week that I thought we should talk ( I was going to invite her to a date party and try and clear up everything that has happened). This conversation was delayed until finally last night, I got the courage to talk to her, and we did. To be completely honest, I was able to put forth my side as far as wanting her to know that I'm not the kind of person for casual hook-ups and I wasn't using her. I let her know as well that I was sorry if I pushed her beyond her limits etc. and so on. Well, the conversation wasn't a failure but I didn't really get a chance to say everything I needed to and she had a final and needed to sleep so I wished her luck and said we'd talk about it some other time.

At this point, I sent her an e-mail covering everything so that she could get to the situation when she had time, without stressing her out. My cards are all on the table, I want to be known that I am not seeking another relationship (especially only two months after my last). However, I was interested in this girl, and still am to some degree and have wanted to take her out on a few actual dates. This morning she should get my message, and ill hear what she has to say, but she's not the greatest at opening up verbally with her emotions (yet she came on pretty strong physically). This girl is also not the type to be all about hook-ups either, so, I don't think it was just a thing for her either, especially with the relationship we had outside of the hooking up. Any words for me?

First of all what you need to do is give her time to sort her self out ,but the mistake you made was when everyone was getting into your and her business you should have stepped up as a man and put a stop to it .I guess she feel let down by you hence the return was so cool but if you really like her look for little ways to win her back remember things she liked and work with that tell I miss your smile or the way your eyes light when you smile things like that text to her but do not crowd her ,good luck

I mean, believe me, I did step up to end it. The drama started when I did actually. I heard people talking about it and I confronted them, only to have them lie in return and get mad at the fact that id suspect them. I confronted my ex about getting involved too. This didn't really solve a whole lot, the issue was that this was all going on on the same floor that my ex lived on (she lives a floor down with a friend now basically because of our failed relationship.)

Since it originated from your exs floor that could only mean it started with her one way or the other nothing you can do now the damage is done ,but you can move on and do what I told you to slowly win her back it will work [tell her next time you speak I don.t know how things got out of hand but I do know I reall enjoyed the time we hanged out and I miss it ,I miss you and leave it there

I think it's weird that you say she's not about hook-ups and you're not about hook-ups but at the beginning of your post you said that you hooked up every weekend for 3 weeks. I think maybe neither of you wanted this to end up being the way it is, but once alcohol is involved, sometimes people don't make the best decisions. From here I think you just need to go with the flow and see what happens. Asking her out on dates is a good idea because then you two can get to know each other better and it shows that you're not just interested in hooking up. I'm not going to lie though, if you said you weren't ready for a relationship just yet- even though I think that's wise since you recently broke up with your ex- I think that line can push people away.

Your all in the same place, and of course the potential for drama will always be there.

Just imagine the shoe on the other foot. You seeing your ex messing around with someone on another floor. Not good. To make it worse why throw drama in the game, with the new girl? What would you do with a female who had just broken up with an ex who lived so close?

I think my biggest red flag, would be you replacing the fun of getting to know someone, with all this drama from the past, and I know you were trying to be honest, it comes off as a rejection, a rebound, and "I am not ready for anything serious" Presumptuous at best, as you only assume her level of interest, or motivation. Its telling this post was all about what your feeling and not what she has expressed, other than the quick hook up.

Things need to be a lot more casual, and a lot less serious at this point.

Me, I would be mighty wary of messing with another female that close to where I lived. Your asking for drama, and confusion. Plus, your pushing a little to fast, and seeing a lot more, I think, than is healthy.

Geez, your barely friends, and you know what I say, too much, to fast, crash and burn, you haven't healed that fast have you??

Well, first I'd like to say that I would not tell her that I'm not ready to be in a relationship, I don't think either of us would ever even bring it up to be honest. As for being healed, no, I'm not healed. However, I have grown to accept my situation and all of its setbacks a lot quicker than I expected. I don't really even feel a slight desire to talk to my ex. For me now, its mostly about the fact that this thing with this other girl happened in the middle of this whole situation with my ex. Now I feel like we were very close in a lot of ways and it has distanced since then. I guess I thought it might be a good idea to go on a few dates with her or something casualy to kind of patch up everything. I sent her the e-mail because I want her to know where I stand, and I guess, try and get some ounce of feeling out of her regarding the whole thing. I've almost had to be presumptuous with her, she just doesn't really talk about things, and I feel as though I'd never even know if she thought I was still with my ex and had used her because shed never tell me. I guess I want her to know that it isn't that way, I'm open to getting to know her and seeing her a bit, and that I'd like her to come out of her shell a little more and talk about all this with me. Its been quite a while since we've "hooked up". Maybe I felt like she had to have more feelings than just those. She's never had a boyfriend, she's never really hooked up with anyone either on the level with me. I don't feel like we've gotten very involved at all, this situation probably seems a lot more complex than it is, but the worst is definitely over, we've gotten past all the drama, that is done. She described the semester as being a "whirlwind" and that it just seemed really confusing so she didn't really know what to think.

Speaking as a girl who also is not much of a talker but an observer would give her space maybe this girl really felt more for you than she's letting on and it scared it so just keep in touch with and you will know ,she is just watching for now

Sorry [and it scares her

Let me revise a bit. When we first met, she came on to me very strongly. She was more than aware of the situation between me and my ex. She had seen me a lot just from living on the same floor. However, she, soberly still made the choice to be very close when we were watching a movie in my room, without even knowing the standing on my relationship with Emily. I think she found out that night that I had broken up with her. That same night I think was the first night we kissed. She continued to be very happy to see me as days progressed and seemed to be interested in talking to me and seeing me. She flirted with me and initiated drinking a lot of the times I guess to make the situation more comfortable. Frankly I feel like she wanted to hook up. I just don't know if she ever liked me on another basis. I don't feel like something can go on that long and only be about hooking up, there are plenty of other people she could try to hook up with... just seems weird. I want to know if she wanted more, and I hope that she hasn't become disenchanted due to all the silly bs that's gone on the floor as a result.

However, talaniman, you made a very good point about getting involved with another female on my floor. That's something I feel I will need to think about. There is going to be a month winter break very soon, and I will not see her for that whole period. I feel this will be a chance to let everything blow over.

So by agreeing with talaniman you're saying that if my brother and I have the same friend I should stop speaking to him because he has a problem with my brother [is she and your ex friends ] or was she trying to prove something think about that

They don't know each other at all... they aren't friends. Im confused by what you're suggesting.

What I'm saying is that granted she doesn't know your ex well maybe in passing could it be that she had an eye on you and as soon as you broke up acted on it to prove something to her self like you said she came on strong

I mean, it's a possibility. She really doesn't seem like the type of girl to really do that. Like I said, no boyfriends, no action really with guys period. She does seem a little flirtatious, but nothing exccessive. I know she had flirted with a few other guys before her and I, but it was nothing like I saw her acting around me. I genuinely feel like she was either just not thinking at all when she did these things, or, she was interested in me and had absolutely no idea how to handle it, and either still doesn't, or has given up trying.

How do you know are you with her 24/7 do you really like this girl or just want to get to know her and take it from there you need to know what you really want then pursue it

I think given all the facts, moving to fast, and assuming, and presuming, works against you. Another fact is you really have no clue what, and who she knows, or what her intentions are.

I think you have seen enough of my postings to know that I believe in going slow, and getting the facts makes for a better decision, and that's the whole point.

Its very easy to get carried away by intense feelings, I understand that, and that's what raises expectations and complicates things, especially give how close everyone is and I already know how exes always have friends and opinions, its called gossip.

The main thing is I really think this new female has interest, and moved faster than she wanted to, and is backing away some, as well she should, and so should you.

Go slow, and give things a chance to see what's there, and ENJOY THE FRIENDSHIP, without the drama.

You don't have to push for a darn thing, nor should you care where you stand in all this. That's for later.

Well damn, hopefully I didn't ruin things by sending her that e-mail. For some reason I just really felt like we needed to confront all this rather than keeping it inside...

OK, so little update. She replied with her e-mail and was surprisingly objective about it actually. She cleared up everything and more for me I think. Basically she said that she felt like it was all very confusing and she wasn't sure what page we were on the entire time basically. She said that she feels like due to all the negative factors about the floor and the pretenses to our relationship, we should put everything in the past and be friends. She said she values my friendship and looks forward to having a great next semester. I feel like that a very mature thing to say. I am seeing gradually that her opinion is probably the best way to go, so we shall see what happens after winter break, but hopefully that will make this whole thing a lot easier. Its just too hard for her to be all of my friends close friend while I'm getting involved with her. However, I don't know if its possible for things to ever be the same. Any other words?

Its just too hard for her to be all of my friends close friend while I'm getting involved with her.

So now you have two break ups?? Naw, I think you learned that too much to fast, crash and burn! Take the friend road, and be a good one, but have a lot of things to keep you busy.

Yea, I wouldn't consider it two break ups, but I definitely think the friends thing is kind of inevitable. Its just hard after all of that for me to just look at her and not see someone that I feel like I should be a lot closer to. Maybe its mostly because of all the shared feelings and the constant physical involvement (which I might add is the farthest I've gone with a girl so quickly, while not dating her and done it consistently.) However, I am still open to potentially dating her, do you feel like that shouldn't be an option? Even after the month break? I have no idea how we will react to each other upon coming back. I will do my best to be very cautious, slow, and to not let it all happen again. However, I feel as though this break will really give me some good hindsight. I guess my real question at this point is, would there be any point in (after giving this time) pursuing taking her out and seeing if there is any chemistry between us on other levels? I feel like we were always around other people during allt his, and I have to say I'm curious how we would be together alone.

Hey Grayfox,

First of all I don't think there's any reason to follow up with dates when you get back. She has said she just wants to be friends, and you know that this is the best of ideas really. So people don't go on dates with friends ergo no dates! :)

Also I think that the way that you start your realationship will bode to how your relationship will go. If it starts with drama it will most likely end with drama.

Another thing, I think that your putting your intense feelings from the relationship that your not long out of, on this new relationship. Naturally, we all do this, you are so used to treating the woman that you are cuddling, kissing, sleeping with etc in a certain way. I use the rule that if I start having these feelings for someone in the half the total time of my last relationship then I need to slow down and look at what's going on.

This is all just me opinion. It might not be applicable to you. Hope it helps :p

I think that your putting your intense feelings from the relationship that your not long out of, on this new relationship... you are so used to treating the woman that you are cuddling, kissing, sleeping with etc in a certain way.

I thought these were some good points to be aware of.

I also think that letting the emotional dust settle for a bit (a break is coming) then you'll get a better indication if its friends, or dates.

Whatever happens, don't push, attract.

Yea I especially agree about not pushing, but attracting. I mean, I feel like I will have a better grip on this whole thing after I have some time to go through break. For some reason right now I have some ridiculous obsession with females. I really do probably need to just chill out, slow down, and just be friends with this girl. She's honestly not really even my type anyway. I think, just because all of the incidents that happened fell in my lap the way they did I felt I wanted to make it right. However, I feel like id be sacrificing some things as well in turn. I will be wary, and try to control myself. I guess I just really don't like the new way she's acting around me, she's so distanced and cold. Its so weird to go from constantly smiling and flirting to having her see me and not see the same sparkle in her eyes that was there before. Do you think I contributed to her new attitude by bringing it up in the first place?

Would you have called this casual before you?

The relationship was pretty casual, yes. However, she was VERY flirtatious. I mean, I was once laying on her bed watching a move with another guy in the room and she was sitting in the opposite corner of the bed, and suddenly ended up laying next to me... like... to me it was more than obvious. These kinds of things continued for a while.

Maybe she was just attracted to and wanted something casual, you were on the rebound could've worked for both of you but now she doesn't want to be leading you on?

That's a possibility actually. I don't like to think that's how it is, but something tells me that it is quite possible she was initially just attracted to me and the idea of meeting someone new who was equally participating, and when the aura of someone new faded, it was like all that was left were our actions and the drama it caused. Bah, maybe I'm reading into this whole thing way too much. Perhaps I should just let everything take its course and not try to figure it out.

Maybe but that's easier said than done.

I'd say that it was less the drama, or any fault of yours, but more the fact that you became a friend. There's no way of losing yourself in a 'fling' if you know the person.

Then again, that may be it now and she may come back and have thought it over and decide that she wants to see you, but I'd leave the ball in her court.

If she's interested in something then women have this cunning way of making themselves available... I think she MAY get how this works!

Im starting to feel better about this whole thing I think. The other day she was still acting very distanced, basically polar opposite of the way she was no longer than 2 weeks ago. However, today she was very nice, smiled, gave me a few compliments. It was better, I studied in her room for a bit. However, there has been no real flirting or "static" between us. I think what bothers me the most is, I've noticed that girls seem to become very internal and distanced (some girls) after hook ups when the two stay friends. It seems like this exact thing happened to me last year with another girl on the floor I lived on (yea I know, I'm ridiculous, but it was only one time, we only kissed, and it was the first time I'd ever done that). Well, her and I had a very awkward relationship after that to say the least where it felt like there were some kind of hard feelings towards one-another for absolutely no reason. Its kind of the same here I guess. I can't place it. Any ideas?

I think that's what happens when people who have attraction tensions, get reserved, and more cautious. Don't be to forward, nor overly concerned or attentive. This is really a time for your own plan of activities, more so than chasing these particular females in a romantic way.

Or maybe she's on a different site trying to figure out what your thinking? :)

Or maybe she's on a different site trying to figure out what your thinking?? :)

Lmaof, at this comment, and to be honest, I would be telling her to back off, and go slow, if she where interested in a guy in Grayfoxes situation. What a great point to bring up! :D

Thanks Talan :D

Haha, yea. I like knowing that I haven't really done anything to screw this relationship up. I plan on keeping it that way. Only one more day and I'm home free. We will both be very busy too, so, the month will come and go, and we shall see what kind of relationship we have when we return. I honestly am kind of hoping I don't have the desire to talk to her in that way when I get back. At the same time I'm worried about my ex girlfriend trying to get back in contact with me over break. She texted me yesterday wondering why I won't say hi to her in the hallways, calling me rude, hypocritical, etc. *sigh* I honestly am starting to dislike females.