Hello,
I am very new to this site. I have been on forums before so I am rather familiar. I guess I should start the issue.

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years. In the last 2 years he has told me that he wants to have a child with me. (I have three children from a previous relationship). Since this was discussed and I agreed I have tried to seduce him on the most proper time of the month to conceive. Last night as an example is my fertile time. I tried to initiate sex in a very sexy yet loving way. He pushed me aside. I felt terribly unwanted and very pushed aside. I am still trying with him. Sex doesn't seem to be as important to him in our relationship than it is to me. I am sexual and yet require intimacy most of all. Knowing that intimacy doesn't always mean sex he thinks it does. I have starved and am starving for affection and attention. And have even been jealous of our dog as it seems she is getting what I am starving for. I have tried talking with him about this in a very non confrontational way but it turns out that way. He in turn is the confronter. Using this to point out my flaws and my downfalls. I have heard him repeat over and over again that he doesn't want to talk about this. He actually doesn't want to talk about much of anything. I have feelings and when they are hurt and he is the one that hurt them I tell him. I am afraid that if I keep talking it will push him away. But I have been pushed so far away that if I don't talk I feel I will walk right out the door. We got into a big fight the other night and one of the things he said to me was that he no longer wants to have a baby with me. I cried and cried hard. It meant so much to me that he wanted me to have his baby, that it hurt so bad when he said he didn't want it anymore.

I am struggling with communication. He yells at me all the time and tells me how wrong I am. I can't have my own feelings without him taking them and using them as his own in one way or another. I use "I" statements instead of "You" statements and that still doesn't work. I need to communicate my feelings to him but I don't want to be yelled at or told that my feelings are silly. He discounts me and my decisions. Makes me feel as though my judgements are wrong and that he is the only RIGHT one here. He was raised by his father who was very strict and showed very little love. He even tries to instill his upbringing on my children now. We have lived together this whole time. Myself esteem is very low. I have tried sharing this with him to no avail. I have spoken to my girlfriend about it and she seems to be the only one that brings me up. When I finally feel confident again to speak my mind and try to have sex with my man it turns into a fight or I am now in the livingroom crying because I feel unsatisfied and frustrated. Help me talk to him. He hasn't showered in weeks either. So I am beginning to think that he is suffering from some sort of depression. I want to be with him and long for his affection.

You are trying to have a baby with a guy that isn't important enough to be married to first??

I see a real issue with priorities here... First of which having a kid should not be priority #1 without a wedding. Or a real commitment.

You need to get OUT!

He's not good to you, girl.

Get out, get counseling, and make this jerk wake up and realize that he's not the center of ANY universe, especially yours.

I don't want to leave him I actually do want him to wake up and see what he has here. He told me not to worry about work that he would take care of me and my kids so he confuses me with all the things that he says. He came home last night and said he was leaving but not at 3 in the morning and then 5 minutes later says he loves me and won't leave me and then makes me feel really bad that I turned to our dear friends for help. I had no where else to go and he turned his friends advice which was "you need to tell her the truth" stop stringing her along. You should put her up in the tallest part of the tree because you should love her that much to do that. Then my boyfriend comes home and says that I lied to my friends. I am so stretched out with this that I am losing sight of what is really important. My love for him was showed everyday. All the time. And I feel abandoned now.

Dearest lovergirl247,

As I read your post, I got teary-eyed. You and I are in the same EXACT boat; no detail left out.

I know you don't want to leave him, you want him to open up, be the attentive lover you need.

I wish it worked like that.

You get the respect you demand for yourself, and sometimes you don't even get that.

I had to walk away from two big loves, one relationship of 6+ years, and another of over two... I didn't want to. I didn't like it. But I demanded more for myself.

I know its complicated because you have kids... but you do get to choose. If you choose to stay with a man who is unattentive and controlling for the "stability" of "something is better than nothing"... well, that's your choice. And if you decide to leave for the need of something more, even if there's no guarantee that you will find better, again, that's your choice.

You get to own either decision. Neither is easy. But you need to make a decision and come to some sort of peace with it.

For ex, my sex drive is higher than my mates. She isn't ready for sex when I am most primed (night). Physical touch is one of the lower needs she has, where it is one of my top needs. There are times when I'm frustrated, when I vent, when I stomp around... but for the most part, I think we've found some sort of middle ground, even if I did most of the conceding... at some point I just had to accept that if I stayed, I did it without excessive expectations of things changing.

So...

I don't think this guy is good to you or good for you.

He isn't taking care of you and your kids the way he needs to if he wants to be a productive, loving part of your family. And your kids are exposed to a man who is not that good of a role model.

Sex and intimacy are not all there is to a relationship. But there are plenty of women who write in here, ten or more years into a marriage, miserable and alone because they feel trapped... married to a "good guy but"... with "but" meaning there is some fundamental need not being met... and if you have the answer for how to make a man change... there are plenty of women who need your help.

I have no good answer, other than to step back and step away and make him see you are not under his thumb.

There's an old saying about frustration between the sexes... that a man marries a woman thinking she will never change, yet she does... and a woman marries a man thinking he will change with her, yet he never does.

Sure... generalizations are always flawed... but I do think expecting this guy to have a fundamental paradigm shift, especially when he is reflecting his own upbringing... I think you get the man in front of you... maybe a few "tweeks" here and there can be done... but I don't think you can expect a very different life without him being forced to fundamentally change... which usually requires drastic action.

Some women get furious after divorcing, as the men they leave sometimes become the men they needed to have all along.

Sorry you are in this spot.

I outrage. I have tried so many different tactics at communicating. Being sincere and understanding to no avail. Getting upset and showing anger about the situation to no avail. For a while now I outrage with actually throwing fits. Screaming and yelling and even throwing and breaking things. I am THAT frustrated. I decided today though that he can come back... I want him to but there is a condition... he has to change to walk through my door. I put a lot into this relationship and actually expected nothing in return and in expecting that I got exactally that... NOTHING! After 4 years I thought he would have conformed to a man that has a family that he needs to take care of... he is so selfish and self centered. He comes first. Those are his exact words. I love him though and can find the reasons, but what I need he can't give and I feel lost and helpless... my heart hurts... how can I get nothing when I feel I have given everything? How can any person feel comfortable and happy with treating people this way? I am scared and lonely.

He does not choose to fully see that his actions and lack of action is having a negative impact. He is choosing to only hear his own voice, the voice of his past. He does not see you or the situation in its full aspect. You can't fix his past. You can't change him now unless he agrees to change.

Where does that leave you besides frustrated and lonely? Where does it leave your kids for whom you are responsible? You have to make a choice. Stay in the current situation and accept less than you want or leave, or make him leave.

How can a person be given your all and not see it or appreciate the sacrifices you have made for him? He has blinders on and no one but him can take them off.

Don't you get it? You are trying to empty water out of a boat with to many holes. So I ask you this, are you really in love or scared of loneliness?

You are going to have to grow up, girl. Life isn't a soap opera. YOu sound like you want to be "in love" in your fantasy world, abused and used... instead of being happy. That's indicated sickness.

The reality is that the man is tired of you and your needy self. You have children to raise and show good behavior to.

Get yourself some therapy from a good therapist so you can turn around your life and help your children.

Best wishes going forward, :)

He sounds like a control freak who wants to lie and cheat and tell you anything to get control over you and your emotions. I see a lot of this these days. Guys tell their new girlfriend that they want to have a baby with them. Girl falls for lie and gets pregnant only to have guy refuse to marry them and then just leave them. It's a game, honey, it's a game they play and you've bought into this game hook, line and sinker. Oh, he didn't say he'd marry you, just have another baby (as if you need more kids to take care of). This guy will tell you any fairytale to keep you "in line" so he can do his emotional rollercoaster on you to get his jollies. Run, don't walk to the nearest exit and leave this turd in your dust.

I don't want to leave him I actually do want him to wake up and see what he has here

Its you who need to wake up, and stop rewarding his bad behavior, with your continued attention, and company.

Takes two partners working together, through honest communications, to have a healthy relationship, so realize its time to let him love his dog, and you stop being his pet.

The guy is a jerk... you both are also wrong in thinking having a kid will help anything...

He isn't going to change any more than you are going to change. Get over him, move on and find someone who is naturally a fit. You can't change someone else to suit you... it never works.

All of these answers from people are telling you that you can't be with someone that treats you this way! We are all looking from the outside in on your relationship, therefore are the most logical. You are in the relationship so you can't see for yourself how bad it really seems. You need to step outside and really look at what your relationship has become. GET OUT OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP! If not for you, but for your kid's sake. We all know it is hard to do, and that it probably seems impossible, but you can do it if you stay strong. Distract yourself with other activities and meet new men! Have respect for yourself! You deserve better I can tell!

He is a selfish control freak. Trust me it doesn't change, it doesn't get any better. He will never take the blame, he will never see that he is the one in the wrong. He will keep making you feel obligated that you need to make him happy at the expense of your own happiness. I bet he is in denial about a lot of things and he manipulates you a lot even in ways you are not aware of.
My last boyfriend always said that in a good relationship you each do your own thing and then come home and spend the rest of the evening together. Then, I bought a truck, he wasn't home after work so I would go out. When I would get home he would say things like where were you? We could have made some money so and so wanted us to move a truck load of stuff for him.
I think it was just him quilting me in a manipulative way to make me feel like I needed to stay home waiting on him.
Guys are underhanded manipulators and it doesn't get better.
His saying he wants a kid I think is most likely this because he is telling you what he thinks you want to hear for one.

The primary cornerstone to any relationship is not love, it's respect! A person can 'love' their job, 'love' their car, etc. Whether he loves you or not, that's not the point. The main thing missing here is respect. He has none whatsoever for you, otherwise he would treat you with more dignity. As painful as it seems, get out of this relationship now, because it's not going to get any better!

Maybe he is going through some sort of midlife crisis or is depressed but the thing of it is you can't help him no matter how much you want to if he won't communicate with you on any level.

He is mistreating you and abusing your relationship so if you want drastic changes in your relationship you have to consider drastic measures. Don't give him any attention throw him the cold shoulder and see how he likes it.. You have to truly consider leaving this guy and start to make plans for it if you want him to wake up and see what he is about to lose if he can't get his life together.

Either way keep your chin up and remember that it's YOU that you need to worry about and he should be only a second consideration.

Well it had been a while since I last posted. Things seemed to be going OK there for a while. He and I actually sat up all night one night talking about things and for a week things were great. He would say I am so happy with you. Here it is Christmas day. And last night instead of spending it with me and my kids he chose and wanted to go drinking with a friend of his. He asked if I wanted to go and I agreed for a short time. I asked in the events of the evening if he could take me to walmart to pick up a gift for my mother. And he threw a fit. Saying I was interfering in HIS plans. I grew angry and basically stated that I was tired of his selfishness. And he replied with I GOING TO LIVE MY OWN LIFE. I said wonderful. Pack up your things and move out because you can't have your cake and eat it too. He left last night and hasn't returned. I thought for a moment that he would have a heart and at least be here for the kids when the opened up gifts from the both of us. But no. He hasn't called either. I gave up. His selfish, selfcentered attitude has pushed me over the edge. I told him that I don't want this for myself or my kids that I actually want to be with someone that really wants to be with me and be with my kids. A friend of his told me that he (my boyfriend) said "If I am not with her, no one else would want to" OUCH! His friend told him "There is someone out there for everyone, and that someone would be more than happy to sit at the table and play card or board games with the kids and that person would love to stay in and be with Debbie, Now you need to make a choice." I was living a life with someone that wasn't willing to make us a part of it. A person that only cared and showed more concern for what he is missing, needs and wants. It wasn't us that he wanted. Too bad it took me 4 years to really get it through my head. I have to lock the doors when I leave for fear he will come in and ransack the place. He has kicked in the door numerous times and its my name that's on this apartment. Would it be wrong of me to call the police if I came home from my mothers for christmas and saw the doors kicked in?? I need help getting through this.

He sound like a cowardly, selfisth momma's boy. If he comes over to your apartment and kicks the door or is otherwise threatening to you, call the police. I'm sure that after one meeting with them he'll never bother you again.

In response to this last post. Mamma's boy is probably right considering he grew up with his father mostly. His lack of love and constant work probably made my boyfriend the disrespectful person he is because he never learned really how a woman should be treated. His mother would have instilled much of that in his life. I miss him though... I just don't miss the crap. Walking on eggshells everyday fearing his mood. My decisions were based on his attitude. Scary. Here I sit though wondering why he is acting like this. Why he didn't bother to call or see my kids on this day of all days... why he couldn't put his differences with me aside for the sake of my kids and their fun day. Why he would rather worry about where is going to stay and what he is going to do. He said it last night though when he left. And accused me of kicking him out on Christmas Eve. I never did that. I stated that if he couldn't or didn't want to try to make me happy that he should just pack his bags and leave. I do fear being alone. I hold on to things like togetherness. Although I do agree with some of the things others have posted on this issue. I have to find the strength to let go of this disrespectful man and live life for me and my kids. Take the opportunity to allow someone else in my life that will love me and my kids and take care of us. I am right now jobless because my boyfriend said he would take care of us. All he ever did was complain about paying the bills and the rent. I feel as though any man that enters my life would be more than happy to want to help provide and live a loving life with me and my three great kids. Sucks that he couldn't be the one. Even though I really truly hoped he was. Sad day. Merry Christmas to all posters. Have a wonderful New Year as well.

I have read your recent postings and this sounded so errily like what I went through several years ago. When he said he wanted to live elsewhere and you said fine, do that and he left and is now accusing you of throwing him out. My last boyfriend and I had just about the same conversation, word for word. I told him to spend a few days elsewhere - he's the one who said I threw him out. Either way, it was very hard for me emotionally as I was treated very similar to the way you were treated. One thing though I am glad to say, I never let him back into my life (even though he tried several times) and it's 4+ years now and I'm not sorry I "kicked him out" one bit.

Times will be hard now for you since you let him trick you into relying on him for money. If he took all of his things out of your apt and comes back and kicks in the door you can call the cops but since you were not there to see him do this, the cops can't do anything to him as you were not there and they won't just take your word that he did it without you being home. If you are home and he kicks in the door, that's a different story - call the cops and press charges against him.

Good luck and Merry Christmas from me.

He has brought out something in me that I didn't think anyone could possess. I have been brought to near psychotic behaviour... throwing things yelling at the top of my lungs totally flipping my lid and flipping right out of myself. He is rude sarcastic, overbearing and has constantly stated that he is going to live his own life. Why in the world is he even here? I have always been second to him

Why in the world was he even here? I have always been second to him
Meant was not is sorry

Oh the boyfriend I "threw out" was bi-polar. This sounds so much like your boyfriend it's scary. He may be undiagnosed, but I'll bet you dollars to donuts he's one as well. He has all the earmarks of one. You can rest assured that it was NEVER you being wrong, etc. It was HIM. One day I am sure he would wake up and be a wonderful person. Then the next day he would wake up and be Frankenstein wrecking the house and yelling for no reason. The bipolars are control freaks and they instinctively know how to manipulate a normal person's emotions and play them like a violin to THEIR advantage.

Please, no matter how lonely you get, please, please do not go back to him or let him back into your life as the next time it won't be that easy to get him out of your apt.

Why was he there? It's because he saw what an easily manipulated person you are/were and he wanted to have some "fun" with you. Don't try and figure him out or even take pity on the man as he more than likely does not understand himself and has no real "emotions" of his own. He hasn't a clue what love means either so don't beat yourself up over that topic. Yes, it's hard to believe that he conned you, but he did. They are quite good at conning anyone out of anything and he conned you out of a place to live even if he paid the bills (just his complaining about it was a real tip off to me).

I am actually feeling really lonely right now. I have felt this while he was here but now that he is gone I am feeling it more now then ever. I want to very much call him or go to where he is at. But I fear the worst. I feel my strength slipping and I am scared of it. He is what I have known for the last 4 years. He is who I looked to. Wanted to see and be with. This is very hard for me and I miss him terribly. Help

So what are you doing for yourself to stay busy and explore other things??

Here I am sick today. Sinus infection. Headache, hurting pretty good. Took something for the pain and finally I can at least see. Boyfriend left me like this. Unfortunately he left because he sold some "weed" and has to collect his $$. I got immediately upset because the $$ was more important than how I was feeling. I told him that I couldn't live like this anymore and that he needs to grow up. Yesterday he called for work with the excuse the car was broke down and then took off for 7 hours to go drinking with his friend. Totally blowing off the fact that the car would be ready and left the entire thing up to me. I tried telling him that I am tired of his drinking. I had to go through an addiction of meth with him already. Now its weed and alcohol. I said I can't do this anymore. I got terribly upset with him and he left in MY car to go get his $$. Telling his friend that I chased him out of the house? How can I chase him out of the house if he is already leaving?

You are trying to have a baby with a guy that isn't important enough to be married to first?????????

I see a real issue with priorities here.....First of which having a kid should not be priority #1 without a wedding. Or a real commitment.

Marriage would be great IF IF IF this man gave a hoot about your feelings, thoughts, and desires. He is a selfish jerk of a man and I say get your kids out from under his influence ASAP. Are you dependent on this man financially? If so, that tie will be hard enough to escape. For goodness sake, don't marry him, let alone have a child with him. You want your child's father to be THIS man?

For sure sitting and complaining will change nothing. Its an even bet that he does what he does because you put up with it. Either leave or stop complaining.

Sorry, but you and what you do about his bad behavior is your problem. Do nothing, (AS YOU HAVE BEEN ) and be miserable.

In ref to my post #28. I wrote this before I read all the older post. Bad habit. Sorry. I still stand by "don't marry him or have a child with him ever. You do not want to be linked to him in any legal way.
I'm so happy to see that you have begun to see him for what he is and you and your kids can have better. I don't know how old your kids are, if you get child support for them, if you have other family or friends to assist you, or what but somehow, get independent of him. Is the apt in his name or yours, or both. If his name is on the lease, you get work and move out asap. If your name is on the lease, kick him out for good. Just sit his things outside the door. If he starts to harrass you, get police involved and document everything. I'm happy that you see him for the jerk that he is and that he adds nothing to your life, he only takes away. Check back in with us from time to time and I know all of us will be happy to cheer you on and lend support or advice. YOU GO GIRL!!

I was at a friends today... and I told her that I can't honestly think of any reason why I love this man. I actually told her I don't think I do. He didn't come home last night and worst of all he has my car. I was going to drive the hour and 15 minutes to his work and get it but I have no money to put gas in the vehicle he left me with. I can't tolerate this behavior anymore. I have given and given so much and all he ever does is take. He gets so drunk that he complains he is sick and expects me to wait on him hand and foot.
I keep falling victim to him saying things like... "Honey, I am so sorry for what I did, I really love you". I get drawn right back in thinking it will change this time. I am scared really. He is a ticking time bomb and I am being blamed for him blowing up every time. I can't breathe without fearing it will set him off. I believe he has a disorder NPD... Narsissitic Personality disorder. I was reading up on this and he fits more than most of the questions they asked. I do rely on him financially right now. So I also fear not being able to make it right now with out his income. I am right now lost and feeling very alone. How can anyone do this to another human being? It hurts so much!

Well, the first step is recognising there is a problem... you've just taken that first step.

OK, Now that I recognize it. How do I handle it from here? I want him to know that I can't tolerate this treatment anymore. But I don't want to lose him either. Sad, I know but its true. What do you suggest?

meant was not is sorry

Not following?

He has brought out something in me that I didn't think anyone could possess. I have been brought to near psychotic behaviour....throwing things yelling at the top of my lungs totally flipping my lid and flipping right out of myself. He is rude sarcastic, overbearing and has constantly stated that he is going to live his own life. Why in the world is he even here? I have always been second to him

This was the post that I mistyped in sorry if I confused you cozyk

I was at a friends today...and I told her that I can't honestly think of any reason why I love this man. I actually told her I don't think I do. He didn't come home last night and worst of all he has my car. I was going to drive the hour and 15 mins to his work and get it but I have no money to put gas in the vehicle he left me with. I can't tolerate this behavior anymore. I have given and given so much and all he ever does is take. He gets so drunk that he complains he is sick and expects me to wait on him hand and foot.
I keep falling victim to him saying things like..."Honey, I am so sorry for what I did, I really love you". I get drawn right back in thinking it will change this time. I am scared really. He is a ticking time bomb and I am being blamed for him blowing up every time. I can't breathe without fearing it will set him off. I believe he has a disorder NPD...Narsissitic Personality disorder. I was reading up on this and he fits more than most of the questions they asked. I do rely on him financially right now. So I also fear not being able to make it right now with out his income. I am right now lost and feeling very alone. How can anyone do this to another human being? It hurts so much!!

Maybe you can not afford to move out right now, but you can afford to behave in a way that dignifies YOURSELF. First, quit thinking you are going to lose him. You don't have him. That train already left the station. I don't think you "love him" either. I think you are addicted to him, like you need his attention to make your existence worth while. You don't. You are a person in your own right. No body can treat you better than you have the ability to treat yourself..

Is your car, really YOUR car or just the one that you drive. If it is your car, forbid him from it and if he takes it without your permission, call the police. That is theft. Don't go out of your way to be Ms. Bad A$$ but where you have rights, make sure you take them. I hope you do not wait on him hand and foot when he is sick from being drunk. You have neglected yourself way too long and to cater to his self made illness is not your job. If he was honestly sick, you should do what you can to help because that is what self respecting nice people do. Self induced?? Sorry Charlie, you are on your own.

This is a time to make WISE decisions. Carefully think out what you are going to do. Save your money, prepare to leave, don't waste your money on him for any reason. If you had put gas in that car to drive 1 hour 15 min to just get your car, you would have wasted your time and money. So, I'm glad you were not able to do that. When you get your car back, take all your keys and hide them. I don't know if he is abusive physically or not, but it would not be a bad idea to have an emergency bag packed with an extra car key in it, in case he takes your key from you physically. Also, have a back up plan as to where to go in an emergency.

You have no reason to apologize to him for anything and to tell him "Honey, I love you" should not come out of your mouth. It just disrespects your own self even more. I know what I'm saying is harsh and hurtful but I just feel so strongly that I want better for a fellow human, that I need to be perfectly clear. I feel your pain. I really do. I don't think there is one of us that doesn't know how it feels to be scared, worried, hurt, lonely or depressed. YOU WILL SURVIVE and you will learn, and you will be surprised at what you can achieve. Show yourself what you are made of and then revel in the glory.
You are not all alone, we are here as your sounding board and hopefully to: help you hold your head high and do what you need to do. I don't know how someone could treat another so badly either but you know what? Doesn't matter. It is what it is, and you don't have to deal with it, you just have to deal with you. And there lies your power.:)

First... Find yourself a job if you don't have one yet... The time has come to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and work on getting an income so you can move out on your own... If you stay in this situation then you deserve what you get. You've already seen what he's like... don't expect him to change. Not everyone is a good match for just anyone. That's a fact of life.

If you have to find another woman to be roommates with because of your local cost of living and share rent then do so... but take some charge of your life and even if it means a change in lifestyle then so be it.

Start standing on your own two feet, as your dependent on him, so you take all his BS.

Change that first, now go get your independence.

It is my car. My name is on this apartment as well. But regardless of the name on the lease. I would leave here with nothing but my kids and myself then have to suffer another moment like this. He is not abusive physically. However, I have feared that in him. He talks the talk mostly. Something I have always brought to his attention. Not to threaten. I would much rather be beaten then go through this emotional mess. Sad to say but physical pain goes away. Emotional stays with you forever.

And why didn't he come home last night?

Does he think it's a form of punishment?

I did nothing wrong. I tried to convince him to stay with me because I was sick. He got upset thinking I was trying to keep him from doing what he wanted to do. I chased him away he says. How did I do that?

So throw him out... if his name isn't on the lease then he has no legal right to live there... Find a woman friend to move in and share the expenses. If you are month to month on a lease and his name IS on iot you just tell the leasing company no less than 30 days in advance you are vacating the unit and want your name off any contract if he wishes to remain there. Same with any utilities.

If the kids are his get a child support judgement.

But as long as you allow the situation to continue then the blame will remain yours for allowing it.

Why try to rationalize his behaviour... tell him its your car you want it back, now... not tomorrow... and if he refuses call the police and report that he has your car and won't return it. That's known as unautherized use of a motor vehicle... its not legal.

Lovergirl, he is playing games with you. He is twisting things to make it all your fault... BUT, we are too smart to fall for that. Right? His ego insist that he be superior to you or it would be deflated. With an ego as fragile as his, it must get it's strength anyway it can.

How old are your kids? Is any one old enough to help you when you are sick? What about your girlfriend? I don't think I would ask ANYTHING of him. He did not come home last night for any number of reasons such as..

"I'm drunk and sleepy and don't "feel" like it. " You know we are all about how HE FEELS.

"'ll show her, I'll just not come home at all and let her suffer. Both emotionally and from her being sick. "That is true love, NOT!!

"She'll be there no matter how horrible I treat her because I've beat her down so much, she can't live without me."

I'll stay out all night because... I can"

Personally, I'd LOVE it if he was gone all the time. Isn't the air less heavy when he is not around. When he leaves, the tension leaves. Good riddance.

If he ever hits you, report it to police, every time. The official record of his abuse might come in handy later. Don't go this alone. As far as emotional hurt lasting forever. Well, it does cut pretty deep, but it does not have to last forever. If this were someone that you looked up to and respected, it is easy to understand why that would hurt so much. But consider the source. This is a no good loser of a jerk putting you down. He has no credentials. His words are worthless. He could never build you up, because it might take something away from him. Once again, true love... NOT. It will be uncomfortable getting out from under his thumb but you will come out the other end a winner.

I didn't take the time to read all these posts but I will add my 2 cents.

I think he has a thing for needy women, He wants you only after he hurts you so he can make things better. That is not good. He's just going to continue to hurt you. And the leaving at all times of the night and having no sex drive may be because he is cheating. I'm not sure if you've ever considered that.

Anyway... all his actions should show you he does not love you and does not want to be with you.

My children are 17 11 and 8. I can get help from them if I really need it. I don't however try to tie them down. They like to do things so I feel better knowing they are out having fun than home worrying about me. As for your comment cozyk (still have not learned how to grab a quote here). Your first sentence hit the mark with what just occurred about an hour ago. He totally took my feelings and basically told me he didn't want to talk about it. I was told something today about him that bothered me a bit. Not so much that it ruined my day but it bothered me non the less. So, I figured I would bring it to his attention. He got instantly angry at how I brought it up. Not thinking that I did anything wrong and refused to talk to me about it. He would not let me share my feelings with him. I was hurt with his tone of voice and what words came out of his mouth. Yet I still try with him. He has so many faces and I am always afraid of which one he will show. When it's a happy face, I let down my guard and as soon as I do BAMM!! I don't feel that I should have to have my guards up but in this situation I feel I have to protect myself from his belittling and slander. He is sick of my S***? And even tells me that I need to go find something to do. He hates that I am opinionated and have my own beliefs and values. I think it may scare him to a degree. He is trying to put me in my place. What place is that? Depressed and alone? I am so angry and sad at the same time right now. He left to go do HIS thing. He shows no empathy at all. I have been s*** on for almost everything he wants to do. Not considering any of us in his coming and goings.

So, the question is "what are you going to do about it?" We and you have established that he is no good for you. It's time to take action and quit letting him have power over your feelings. Time to grow a pair. Are you there yet.

By your own words he is an abuser... maybe not physically right now, but what you described is verbal and emotional abuse.

How many years have you been together... in certain states you have a common law marriage after living just 5 years together. If your state would consider it a common law marriage you can get at least some support payments while you get yourself reestablished. But you do need to get away from this man.

It will be 5 years in July that we have lived together. Minnesota no longer recognizes common law. Since 1941. Which is OK. I don't consider myself married to him anyway. I know what it is that I should do in my mind. But my heart keeps leading the way. I am not sure if its out of being used to it. Or if I am seriously codependent upon him. For what I don't know. I guess I am so used to being treated this way that I can't believe that there is another way to be. But I am a smart person and do know that I can break free of this if I really truly am ready to. I feel I am not and I feel that I am. I am stuck in my feelings right now.

He is trying to go away this weekend on a fishing trip. Things are terrible between us and still would rather go then work on things with me. I actually don't mind him leaving this time. I need to sit with my thoughts and feelings and try to sort them out into some sort of sanity. Part of me wants to use that time to pack his things and the other part wants to really figure out how I can learn to communicate with him in a way that protects my feelings and helps me get what I want out of this man. I know its in there in him. He has suppressed so many things I believe and is hiding behind them. I am so confused.

People don't make major personality changes without being recariously close to death and pulling through...

That means if he cleans up his act it will only be for a short while... this is the real him... not what you wish it was.

Now I have done it. I was at my sisters house dropping off one of my daughters. I got home around 7:30pm and went upstairs into my bedroom to find my boyfriend and one of his friends. His friend was zipping up a small coin baggy and putting it in his pocket. I kicked him out of the house. My boyfriend got so angry at me told me he was moving out and that he can't live in a home where he has no control. He left... I went back up to the bedroom and found residue on an envelope. I picked it up to toss it. Crying and hysterical. Instead of tossing it I placed it back where it was and called the police. I really messed up... I was here alone with my friends son. They didn't take me but told me that I may be charged with possession. I asked the police if they actually thought I would be stupid enough to report meth if it was mine? The officer understood what I meant. I said this is not mine I do not do this drug. I have been dealing with this for years. They are aware of it too. They said it would be good to have him call us because its possible that I would get the charge and not him. I told the officer the friends name and that he was upstairs in the apartment above me. His truck was outside so they knocked on the door. No answer, I figured that much. Meth users are cowards. So I am in some trouble and this is actually the straw that told me get the F*** out

I am feeling strong though. I am sure of that. I will be packing his things tomorrw. I told the police that I will have his things out on the front porch. I am sure he is unaware of this and even if he is aware that the police were here I don't care. I had to put a stop to this. I was so hurt that he did drugs in the house like that... and I think what pissed him off more was that he was caught red handed. Selfish SOB

Yippy, you started the ball rolling. That is a mother bear that will not let this meth mess go on in the same house her children live.
Mother bear protecting her cubs trumps everything. Even her own life really. Make sure you don't have anything to do with any of the drug business that has gone on under your roof. If you are charged with possesson, you can get a court appointed atty. You have given the police your statement and it sounds believable to me. I think it would sound believable to a judge too.
I don't believe your boyfriend is going to call them and tell them it was his. Not in a million years, but that was the straw that broke the camels back for you,

I'm glad the police were involved because that has established a "base line" so to speak. Now every time he does anything illegal or abusive, call them again. His string of bad behavior will be your ammunition and your protection. Even if it's something that does not involve the police , keep your own records. They may end up useful later.

I am so proud of this action you have taken. You may feel weakened at times, like it is easier just to let things be what they were but you are showing your children what it looks like to have self respect and command it from the people in your life. Treat me with dignity and respect or get out, Get a job doing something. Fortunately you have older kids that can help you with the younger ones if you need child care.

Come on here for support anytime. He will pitch a fit when he finds his clothes and things put out. Just say, the era of illegal activities under this roof is over. Not to mention the era of you putting up with his crap. With his name on the lease he will say he has every right to stay, and in fact you get out. What you have on him is what will give you power. Any drugs he brings in will give you leverage.

Good luck, good going, and keep us posted.

You did the right thing.

I feel better this morning. Relieved almost. I felt I could breathe easier. When he leaves the pressure lifts. I felt that right away this morning.
He did try to contact me at about 2 am. I was asleep and heard the answering machine going off. What I felt at that time is 'boy you have a lot of nerve calling here'. I held my ground. Things are going to get worse though before they get better. He will start some stuff. Blame, ridicule tell me. He is done with me yet again all a ploy to make me feel bad so that he feels more important. What he hasn't heard is... I am done with him.

So go ahead. Do what you do best. Your words can no longer affect me.
I have heard the lies coming from your mouth. I have seen you take more importance in yourself and the things you do than any other. I have felt the pain of those hurtful words. I have lived a life in your shadows. I have walked on eggshells. I have waited for you. I have trusted you. I have loved you. All so you believe you can treat me this way, all so you think you can squash my inner being and blow out my candle of light and happiness. Well no more. I am my own being with opinions and feelings and I will no longer subject them to your wrath and abuse.

Thank you all so much for your support. I know that I walk away from here with much a much stronger approach and stronger inner light.

Things could get worse before they get better. I am glad you realize that. And after he has tried all his bully tactics, he could very well turn on the charm and try to convince you to give it another chance.

Say to him, If you REALLY want to start over, you will move out, call me up for a REAL date, treat me like a lady, wine me,dine me, and shower me with the attention I deserve. That is a deal breaker, if you can't do that then you don't really want me back, because that is what I require, thank you very much! After that, his "charm approach" will cease.

Keep the fighting spirit. There is no reason you should put up with anyone that can't meet your standards. We are behind you.

He has it in his head that I am out to get him. Torture him. I will be appreciated and I will be respected and I should be adored by a truly loving man

I am actually feeling rather nervous right now. It just overwhelmed me. When and if he finds out about the police its not going to be pretty. This won't stop him from his slanderous abuse about how terrible of a person I am and how I am be** bent on making his life a living he**. I just want peace and sanity for a change. Is that too much to ask

You are aware slander is against the law, if he's saying stuff pubilcally about you by name you can take action... get a court ordered restraining order issued against him if he has threatened you in any way.

He hasn't yet but this is just the tip of the iceberg. I am considering changing my phone number. He has no keys to get into the front door and has broken down the back door too many times that it can't be fixed so I do what I can to barricade it shut. Which still has its quirks and he is able to manipulate his way in.

I am actually feeling rather nervous right now. It just overwhelmed me. When and if he finds out about the police its not going to be pretty. This won't stop him from his slanderous abuse about how terrible of a person I am and how I am be** bent on making his life a living he**. I just want peace and sanity for a change. Is that too much to ask

Tell him you are not out to make his life a living hell. Don't flatter himself . That you aren't willing to put that effort into him any more Say you have put all the effort into him and your relationship with him and have realized you have short changed yourself and your children. You'd love to have him around BUT he is not behaving in a way that you can put up with and even if he can't change, you can. It's a new day.

I know this is easy for me to say 100's of miles away and not having to face him. Plus I don't have any of my heart attached to him. I know this is taking every bit of courage and you are scared. I wish I could make it easier. Is your sister in a good place in her life? Is she supportive of you? Are you getting any child support or anything else from the father of your children? You need support through this process of standing up to this man. I forgot what you said about the lease. Your name, his name, both, how much longer on the lease?
You are doing very well. I'm a little afraid for you about the police thing and when he finds out. Are they going to contact him? What did they say was going to happen? Are they getting back to you about charging you with possession? If you tell him, don't be alone. Get your sister or any other support you can to be with you.

He hasn't yet but this is just the tip of the iceberg. I am considering changing my phone number. He has no keys to get into the front door and has broken down the back door too many times that it can't be fixed so I do what I can to barricade it shut. Which still has its quirks and he is able to manipulate his way in.

If he has broken down the back door many times, he is a loose cannon. Report it the next time he does it. If the police come back around for any reason, make sure they see the damage and document it. Be careful.

This is the calm before the storm. I can feel it. I have no problem getting the police up here if he kicks in the door again. I just fear that he will do far more than that.

About the possession. I was told that I shouldn't be charged with anything because I was the one that phoned the police and asked them to come up here and remove the stuff out of my house. I also offered a UA because he asked if I do this drug. I said if you have a UA kit in your car I would be happy to take it. I don't believe I would be charged because I think they would have arrested me instantly seeing I was the only one here. It looked bad I am sure to them. But my sister has a co worker with family in law enforcement and they told me not to worry about anything. They are looking for my boyfriend to question him about the friend that was here with the drugs. As far as I know they probably won't charge my boyfriend with anything. I wish that none of this had to happen but the strength I needed was having the police up here to prove to me that the drug was here and that they are here to help if need be. I don't trust the courts but will do my best to take care of me and my kids

Things just keep getting better (sarcastically speaking). At 4:30p (02/07/09) I received a phone call from a pay phone. The caller, a male asked if Mike (my boyfriend) is there. I said no. I asked who the caller was and he said (sarcastic tone) "someone that Mike is making real good friends with" Caller then asks "When did you see him last" I replied "Last Night" Caller went on to say " Tell him to watch his back" " We are keeping our eyes on him" He then asked "Do you expect him home later this evening?" I said "No". Caller said (sarcastically again) "Okay" and then hung up. I quote the caller but may be missing a few words here and there but this about sums up what the caller said. I instantly felt fear so I phone the police with the call. They couldn't do much because it was a pay phone and advised me to lock my doors and if I receive any more calls to mark them down and call them. I instanly removed Mikes clothing from the bedroom and placed it out on the front porch. If there was even a glimpse of a possible reunion or make up not anymore. That was another straw for me. I am assuming its over a drug deal or something of that nature. But its staying away from my home and my kids. I couldn't believe that that just happened today. I am tired of the crap

Things just keep getting better (sarcastically speaking). At 4:30p (02/07/09) I received a phone call from a pay phone. The caller, a male asked if Mike (my boyfriend) is there. I said no. I asked who the caller was and he said (sarcastic tone) "someone that Mike is making real good friends with" Caller then asks "When did you see him last" I replied "Last Night" Caller went on to say " Tell him to watch his back" " We are keeping our eyes on him" He then asked "Do you expect him home later this evening?" I said "No". Caller said (sarcastically again) "Okay" and then hung up. I quote the caller but may be missing a few words here and there but this about sums up what the caller said. I instantly felt fear so I phone the police with the call. They couldn't do much because it was a pay phone and advised me to lock my doors and if I receive any more calls to mark them down and call them. I instanly removed Mikes clothing from the bedroom and placed it out on the front porch. If there was even a glimpse of a possible reunion or make up not anymore. That was another straw for me. I am assuming its over a drug deal or something of that nature. But its staying away from my home and my kids. I couldn't believe that that just happened today. I am tired of the crap

Good move calling the police. Good move placing his things out on the porch. He has gotten himself in some hot water and you don't want to be any part of it If they call again, say you are not his keeper nor his messenger and he can not be found here.

Thank you so much for the support cozyk and all others. Things will be difficult. But I am preparing for what I need to do. Nothing has happened since the phone call so that puts me at ease some. I still fear the worst is yet to come.

You are welcome. It's 11:13 and I am going to crawl into bed and get ready for Sat. Night Live. You have done all you can for one day so I suggest you do the same. Good for you letting the machine get that call last night. Calling at that hour especially was just rude, but what else is new? Same ole, same ole.

Sweet Dreams To all :)

No more calls which is good. Was told that Mike wants to get a hold of me at some point today. Either by phone or visit. Its not going to go well and I am afraid of what he may say. I feel OK though. I am not likeing the fact that I have to lock my doors I have never had to do that before. I lock them when I leave and I hate it.

I did not hear from Mike yet. His things are still out on the porch. Been a rough day.
Good Night Everyone!

Hang in there. By the way I like your new avatar, cute.

I would have called the cops when he kicked the door in the first time... after all its your place not his. Legally.

If he ever tries it again I hope you have 911 on the line before he has time to get in.


And make it clear no in person meetings... you are putting yourself and your kids at risk. If its something that absolutely has to be said... it can be said on the phone... and if you do I hope you record your call. Most Answering machines let you do that. If you live in a state that requires both parties to have concent before recording then make sure you tell him first. If you don't then no reason to inform him.

Thank you for the nice compliment cozyk. And about the door. I did tell him after the last time that I will call the police if he were to do something like that again. I can't afford it first thing secondly its illegal what he is doing.

What I think is happening right now is a game. Mike has not called to get his things. I can't keep letting this happen. He will drag this out as long as he possibly can. I can't get the ball rolling with him because I don't know where he is staying. I also don't feel that I should be the one that makes the move. He told me he wanted out why isn't he getting any of his things? What do you recommend that I do in this situation?

Right now I don't know what to tell you about his things. I just want you to know I'm working on it. Hopefully between all of us, we'll come up with something. Make sure ALL his stuff is out there so there will be no reason to come inside. Or he won't be taking you to small claims court saying you have his TV or whatever. Maybe you could ask the police what the procedure should be if someone has left, but will not come and get their stuff. You want to make sure you play by the rules. IF big IF I knew I wouldn't get in trouble for it, I'd somehow get a message to him that reads... Today 's date. Then something like, All of your belongings left in my possession will be kept on my front porch until Feb. xx, 2009. Any items not picked up by you by that date will be donated to bla bla bla. Now you just need a mailing address. You also need some sort of proof that you mailed the letter. Like send it, "Return Recpt. Requested" or have it notorized or signed by witnesses or something. He could later claim that he never recd. Such a letter and take you to court for getting rid of his things. It would be his word against yours. You have to think in a way that puts you a step ahead of this guys stunts. Come on people, help us come up with some ideas.

Do you know any of his relatives or friends?

Personally, I'd drop all his stuff at his mommy's and let HER deal with it.

His relatives are actually sick of our ins and outs. I have just regained some bit of trust from his father. I fear that if I contact him he will only make matters worse. I have told his father before that his son is into meth but he doesn't really care. His brother is mean. I mean MEAN. I am actually afraid of his family's words. Not so much their actions. I just would hate to get them involved. I hate this feeling I am having.

What about his work place? Send a letter addressed to him in care of where ever he works. Don't go there. That's only more drama if you go there. But, it gives you an address where you know he will get his instructions . Also in your "eviction notice" say that you are not responsible for any damage that may occur to his belongings before he picks them up. I would be generous so he can't cry foul on that. I would maybe give him 10-14 days. That would be more than fair I think. Still up for more ideas people.

I just hate that he is prolonging all of this. I did nothing to deserve this treatment. It hurts so bad because all I can do is go back. When things were all right. There were happy times and that is all I can think about. Why this is happening to me and my kids. What I actually did wrong. Knowing in my heart that I did nothing. It just feels as though I am being punished and punished hard.

Call your local police dept... explain the situation and find out what your legal options are for getting his stuff out...

If he likes it or not doesn't matter. THis is on your schedule not his. If the police say you can dump his stuff at the street then do so. Follow the recommendation of the police. YOu can cover your butt this way.

And if he is playing games get a restaining order issued. Now before he does something.

I just hate that he is prolonging all of this. I did nothing to deserve this treatment. It hurts so bad because all I can do is go back. When things were alright. There were happy times and that is all I can think about. Why this is happening to me and my kids. What I actually did wrong. Knowing in my heart that I did nothing. It just feels as though I am being punished and punished hard.

You are in mourning about how you wished it was. Unfortunately that is not your reality. Of course you did nothing to deserve this and it sucks when innocent people suffer. I don't know why innocent people suffer, I just know they do. You are letting your mind go back to the "good times" because you are normal. It's clinging to those good times because these times are too painful. I never want to make light of your pain. But as an objective outsider, I can see that you were in a relationship where you were getting crumbs. His selfishness, his drug dealings, his abusive language and actions, you deserve better than that. You will have it too eventually. There is no reason why you can't set a higher standard for yourself and when you meet someone that is also looking for a high quality person, then you have a match.

You are thinking of yourself as a victim. " Why is this happening to me?" "I'm being punished". The only thing you did wrong is make a poor choice in men. Now you know better, and now you will choose better. You are not a victim so I want you to stop feeling sorry for yourself and take the lead in your life and know that you are an empowered woman, taking care of a previous mistake, and get mad, not sad. I know it hurts because your dream was so much better than this. The damage is done. It is being cleaned up. You have taken the first steps to a better life. I'm praying for your pain to ease. Keep your chin up and your steps forward.

He called today to get some things. I didn't know what to say when he asked if I would pack him some things. I packed what I felt like giving him and actually talked to him for about 5 minutes. Told him that I needed him to tell me what his plans are. He didn't say much and told me he had to think about things. How much time should I give him?

I am confused. I thought you had packed his things and they were sitting on the porch to be picked up by him. Why didn't you just say, everything is packed and waiting on you.

What do you mean you need him to tell you what his plans are. Do you mean about picking up his things, or what he plans to do concerning you. You don't let him tell you what your future is going to be. You tell him.

cozyk... I wanted him to tell me what his plans were in regards to his things. I did have them all packed but according to him he could only take a few things. I did what I could at the time. I wasn't much of a concern to him because if I was he would still be here and things wouldn't be as they are I gave he took and wasn't willing to give enough back and your right my future is decided by me and me alone. I can't be keeper to his belongings and I advised him that he can't take too long because I won't stop my life to wait on him to get his things. I also told him that I required things that I wasn't getting from him and that I was short changing myself and that I couldn't allow myself to do that anymore. I will continue to do what it is that I have to do, what I need to do and what I would like to do with no one telling me yes or no or keeping me from it. I would like to have him around but I don't ever want to ignore my beliefs or my values and seek less that what I deserve in order for him to be around. I have standards and I know that I have left them behind somewhere and I am going back to get them.

Feeling better. Good night everyone :)

I set a time limit for myself. I will not allow him to hold out on me for longer than two weeks. If within that two weeks he hasn't come to get his things they will be taken care of accordingly. Any further advice here will be helpful and I really do appreciate all your help here :)

I would be careful about getting rid of his things.

You might want to get a legal opinion on this; there is a section in the forum here for small claims etc.

It would not be good for you to have to face him in court, as he sues you for the value of his belongings.

Many lawyers too have an hour of consultation free (I've used it myself over the years for various things), or a local non-profit organization that assists with legal problems. We have one here.

It's important that you find out what you should or shouldn't do with his belongings. Also to possibly consider is who's name things like cell phones, gas/water bills etc. are in, as well as credit cards and other debt.

The more prepared and informed you are, the less likely you will run into problems later on.

As has been said before several times... find out what your legal obligations are... then give him the required notice in writing when his property is to be off the premisis. This may vary from state to state so make sure the advice you get applies in your state of residence.

Cover your own legal obligations First. His convienience is not a factor.

I agree and wouldn't consider doing anything inappropriate with his things. I just want him to make a decision. I can't let him prolong the issue and waste any more of my time. The police already notified me that if I needed them to do a stand by while he gets his things to just give them a call. I am hoping he will see the error of his ways and come back home... but I am prepared for either way it turns out.

I set a limit on time for myself. I am ready to tell him when I want the things out. I just have no way of contacting him right now... I don't know where he is staying and I don't know his work address. Its touch and go right now.

I'm sure if the situation exists that the person can not be located or notified you may not have to notify them then... at a certain point it becomes abandoned property. I can't venture a guess what that point is however. I think that the law in some places allow for a storage fee to be assessed as well. That can entice him to get his stuff faster.

My day went fine... an hour ago I lost it... bawled my eyes out... I hate this... no word from him since he stopped here the other day to get a bag of clothes... my girlfriend saw him today for about 2 minutes... it feels like torture right now. Sorry everyone... I just want this feeling to pass

No need to apologize. I can sympathize . I'm so sorry you are going through this hurt. I hope and pray that it will lessen very soon.
Sometimes it's good to have a good cry. We have all been through this at one time or another. Try to get a good nights sleep.

I will be heading to bed soon... I am still holding my ground though... I refuse to try to get a hold of him... Even though now I know where he is... I didn't before... I just can't understand how he can just give up like this... not call... its weird... have a great night cozyk and thanks so much

I am hoping he will see the error of his ways and come back home...but I am prepared for either way it turns out.

Lovergirl, it is easy to doubt yourself, and question the decisions you make. And whatever you decide to do you will wonder if it is the right choice.

It is a lot to go through all at once. As you are going through this separation, so too, is he. He may not communicate any better than he did before he left.

One thing that might help is keeping a diary. When you have these thoughts and feelings, write them out. When you remember how rotten things were, write those out too. And write out the good as well. Write a little bit also, every day. Each day you will start to see clouds lifting, and light at the end of the tunnel.

When you start to doubt yourself, and the decisions you are making, read back in your diary to help you remember why you did what you did. You'll see the good and the bad, but there were good times too right? I'm talking about balance here.

Although you may find reinforcement and confidence in what you are doing, you don't have to hate somebody in order to realize that you have to let them go. I'm not saying you hate him, of course, but that time and distance and a little reflection through writing might paint a clearer picture.

Good idea Jake. Writing down your feelings gets them out of your heart and head and puts them on paper. It's very therapeutic. Other wise, you keep recycling the same thoughts.

Had to spread the rep but I agree with Jake,a journal is a great idea,you can chart your progress.Be sure to include your hopes and dreams for the future.You have to keep looking forward and see the possibilities for you and your kids.
You are being the strong woman you knew you were... keep up the good work!

It is great that you and cozyk have formed this bond, she is being a wonderful on line friend to you!

I agree with everything that is said here. I have been keeping an online journal of my thoughts some good some bad some directed at him some just silly. But it does make me feel better. I can't make him see anything. I can just do what I need to do. I do feel close to cozyk and I feel grateful she is here... as well as the rest of you. I know that all of this will get easier... I just keep walking around this place and see him everywhere... If he is moving out I just want him gone. I don't want to hate him and the more I think back to the reason he left the more I get angry. I have some shopping to do for my kids today (Valentines). I will check back. Hugs to all.

Still have not heard from him in regards to his things. I wish he would just come get it. His brother called and I told him what happened. His brother was a bit shocked and was saying he has no place to live. I said to his brother... he has a place to live he just insists on treating us here like crap. Allowing meth in the house whether he did any of it or not. His brother said that Mike told him that he doensn't do it anymore. I said well I wanted to believe that but the stuff was in my house so I find it hard to believe that he stayed clear of it. They did lines of it here. I cried hard after that phone call. I said to him that the truth always comes out yet I am left to be the bad guy. This is terrible. I hate this feeling of unknowing

Have you thought about what you are going to do when he does show up? Do you have a plan in place? Have you decided whether you will allow him back in your life, and your children's lives?

I think it is safe to presume that he will be back for his things, and you need to be prepared in my opinion, for him to want to stay.

You seem to teeter between thinking about change, and actually making changes.

While I realize that you love him, you are dealing with a man who has an active and ongoing lifestyle of drugs. Strangers calling your house looking for him, things you've found yourself, his brother's admission of drug use with him, there is a murky world there that is very dangerous for you and your children.

If you cannot get past the likely future you will have with this man, based on his past and current lifestyle, please consider the safety and security of your children. While love may be blind, the needs of your children are not.

Keep up with your diary, I do think that you need to really do some reflection, and make some serious decisions, and soon.

I am trying to remain strong for my kids and myself actually. I have yet to contact him which in my case is much better than in the past when I would call him at every place I thought he might be. Or drive all night looking for him.
I have considered life without him and last night I had a vision in my sleep that woke me up with a pounding heart. I missed him... his touch when it was good. His smile when it was evident. His heart when it was in the right place.
I miss the person I once knew not the person that he became.
I don't know what to do about his things anymore. It is apparent that he isn't going to do this on his own. Its already been a week since the issue. I still have no real idea where he is staying although I have guesses. I have asked his best friend if he has contacted him and I get a "no". I really would hate to think that almost 5 years with him meant absolutely nothing to him.

Lovergirl,

I really feel badly for you. You see both the good and the bad, and think that somehow, someway, the bad will be addressed, and you'll have a good life with this man.

That, of course, is not impossible. Many have overcome great odds, and look back and say, "what the hell was I doing then".

But, it doesn't come without a lot of work. Nobody can say what he is willing to do to change his life, and he remains hidden, and not communicating, so you can really only guess.

While it would be nice to hope that he will come around, he may very well not want to, and come and pick up his stuff and move on.

Or, if he does come knocking, how are you going to deal with it. Can you set limits and expectations, and will he stick to them, so you don't go through this over and over again? Is he willing to go to counselling?

And how about you, are you willing to go seek help, for yourself, to help you get through this, and survive on your own?

There are so many resources out there to assist you. Why not seek some out. You have nothing to lose, and perhaps everything to gain, no matter which way this turns out.

Well for all of you that have been here for me in my time of need. I got the answer that I was expecting to receive. He came here to get more of his things... told me that he couldn't live with me anymore. He was tired of going to jail over me... that he can't feel as though he can't go anywhere or do anything without it making me upset. What ever story he needs to feel good about leaving. I told him that it wasn't because of me that you were leaving its because you don't care for the boundries that I have set for myself and my kids. I said no drugs in the house I meant no drugs in the house and he thinks that is the only thing he did wrong. I said you had no repect for me when you allowed your friend to have it and he even told me that he was about to do it before I walked in. I said you aren't going to make me feel bad for stopping you and your aren't going to make me feel bad for kicking your drug friend out of the house. He said he wants to live his own life and find himself. Drugs are his life and that's what he can have. He will realize later on that it won't get him very far. And if he does meet someone new she would have to be a drug user too that's the only way she would be able to tolerate him and his use. He did tell me he loves me and wants to still see me and talk with me but doesn't want to live here anymore. That hurt and hurt bad I tried to convince him to stay but to no avail. I know that I will heal it will just take time. He was all I knew other than my kids for the past 5 years. I am scared and hurt.

well for all of you that have been here for me in my time of need. I got the answer that I was expecting to receive. He came here to get more of his things...told me that he couldn't live with me anymore. He was tired of going to jail over me...that he can't feel as though he can't go anywhere or do anything without it making me upset. What ever story he needs to feel good about leaving. I told him that it wasn't because of me that you were leaving its because you don't care for the boundries that I have set for myself and my kids. I said no drugs in the house I meant no drugs in the house and he thinks that is the only thing he did wrong. I said you had no repect for me when you allowed your friend to have it and he even told me that he was about to do it before I walked in. I said you aren't going to make me feel bad for stopping you and your aren't going to make me feel bad for kicking your drug friend out of the house. He said he wants to live his own life and find himself. Drugs are his life and thats what he can have. He will realize later on that it won't get him very far. And if he does meet someone new she would have to be a drug user too thats the only way she would be able to tolerate him and his use. He did tell me he loves me and wants to still see me and talk with me but doesn't want to live here anymore. That hurt and hurt bad I tried to convince him to stay but to no avail. I know that I will heal it will just take time. He was all I knew other than my kids for the past 5 years. I am scared and hurt.

It is ironic that he ultimately made the choice, that is best for you and your children. At least he saw enough of your concerns, and realized that he cannot live without drugs, and the drug lifestyle, and made a choice. Even after all that has happened, you tried to convince him to stay.

My opinion here is based on only what you have said, and in all honesty, you will need help to get through this, and back on your feet again. It is easy to say be strong, chin up, it will get better, and all of that. But the truth is, life has dealt you a blow, and you need to recover from it, and learn from it, so that you not only get past where you are now, but learn how not to find yourself in the same boat again. All too often we tend to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire.

I hope you find the strength as time passes to realize that your life is only going to get better, and your children are going to benefit by any positive moves you make for yourself now.

All the best of luck to you, I sincerely wish you success.

Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement. This is the hard part. I honestly can't help but cry and cry hard. Like I said he was what I knew for the past 5 years. Watching him walk out the door... do drugs... drink... spend time away from us. I am crying for the man I know is inside that shell. I just can't watch him come and go with his things. That's torture. I even told him that. Don't make a habit of coming and going I would much rather you get your stuff all at once then drag it on and on. He had been drinking too when he came here. I don't miss that at all. It is so terrible how I feel. It was a blow... and a real hard one... this one has left a scar.

"I am crying for the man I know is inside that shell."

I have cried many tears too for the person inside the shell, whether it be a child, relative, boyfriend, friend. When you know that beyond what they present is much, much different than what you see, it is very hard to accept that they have built a wall of concrete around themselves.

But, that is a really good way to think of it. He is making choices, and sticking to them, and nothing will penetrate that wall. No doubt others have cared about him too along the way, and found themselves eventually facing the same situation you are in right now.

He is what he is-right now. What you see is all you can deal with. You can't see into the future to see what he'd be like even two weeks from now; did he come clean, get help? If we could have that ability, we'd all hang in there waiting for that magic date and time.

You have to presume and accept that what he says, he means. He isn't going to come home, and things are not going back to the way they were. That he can say he loves you, or you can say that you love him, will not be enough to build a relationship on- it takes much more than words.

I know that you are scared and hurt, but I have faith that you will heal too. Do your kids know why he is gone. I'd tell them. I'd say he brought drugs into this home and as much as I love him and wish we could be together, I can't allow that in our lives. I think this will show them a side of you that they will respect. You taking a stand for the betterment of you, them, and the overall picture.

Don't try to convince him to stay. Just stand your ground. "The only way you could come back is if you have totally cleaned up your act, you treat me with the love, respect, and dignity that every person deserves, and I see solid evidence of this long before you come back. I love you, but I have to do what I believe is right for me and my children."

Keep us in the loop from time to time and I'll always be here with my 2 cents as long as you want it.

Honey, you NEED to talk to a counselor.

Do NOT take this jerk back until he gets himself completely clean, and gets new friends--and how high do you think the odds of THAT are?

You need to talk to a professional, someone who can help you see past your feelings to what you need to do. Your feelings, by the way, are completely valid. Asking him to stay, though, was an act of idiocy.

He doesn't respect you, he doesn't love you, and he's not going to change while the drugs are running his life. That sucks, that hurts, and of COURSE it's going to leave a scar! Scars, however, fade with time, and sometimes the lesson learned when you get hurt that badly is a good one---my worst physical scar is from falling on a jar of pickles when I was 6. I learned NEVER to run with glass after that. Yeah, bad comparison in a way---but honey, if you take him back, you're running with glass, and it's only a matter of time before you fall again, and this time the cuts may scar worse.

Mourn the man that he once was, the man you loved, and then move on and away from the man he is now--because the ONLY person you can change is yourself, and the ONLY actions you can dictate are your own.

Please--see a counselor. It will help you a lot.

Set a time for him to pick up ALL his belongings and you not be there. If he needs to borrow a truck or whatever, just say get it all or lose it. You don't need to pull this band- aid off slowly. Just one quick jerk.

By the way, as Oprah says "cry, cry the ugly cry" Go off in your car and blubber your brains out. My sister did this in her car when she found out her son was autistic. She was able to scream bloody murder in her car because it kept moving and no one could hear her. Make sure it is a low traffic road, not one that requires your undivided attention. Even better when it's dark. That way your face can contort in all the weird ways it does when you do the ugly cry. Also, your kids won't hear your anguish. One way or the other, you have to get it out. I promise you'll feel better afterwards. I'm thinking, praying, and sending my "support vibes" your way. I'm proud of how you are handling this.

He called to say he needed more things and wanted to take the family dog for a few days. I am assuming this was a reason just to come here. I told him this was too hard for me. And yet he is still only thinking of himself. I am getting tired of crying again and I don't want to hate the man

He called to say he needed more things and wanted to take the family dog for a few days. I am assuming this was a reason just to come here. I told him this was too hard for me. And yet he is still only thinking of himself. I am getting tired of crying again and I don't want to hate the man

Lay down the law. It's your home. Tell him to get everything at once and don't come back.
What happened to the things you said you sat on the front porch?

Tell him anything he doesn't take with him will be left at the street next trash day. He's had plenty of time to pick it up and get it to storage or to a new place.

The potential problem with that is, she has not yet told him to get all his stuff out. She has said she prefers that he take it all at once, but has not clearly given him a date.

She's going to have to do that in order not to be faced with being sued.

If she says next trash day, and that is two days away, I don't think that would be considered 'reasonable' in court.

I think its safe to say he'll be back for the dog, and that would be the time to say when exactly she expects the stuff to be out.

I'd be inclined to load up his stuff myself, and drop it off at his mother/brother/friends house.

The potential problem with that is, she has not yet told him to get all his stuff out. She has said she prefers that he take it all at once, but has not clearly given him a date.

She's going to have to do that in order not to be faced with being sued.

If she says next trash day, and that is two days away, I don't think that would be considered 'reasonable' in court.

I think its safe to say he'll be back for the dog, and that would be the time to say when exactly she expects the stuff to be out.

I'd be inclined to load up his stuff myself, and drop it off at his mother/brother/friends house.

That would depend on her local laws... being as he no longer lives there his right to free storage might not exist at all. The fact he is dragging his feet in some sort of effort to continue to impose control over her in any way he can might possibly be considered as the stuff might be trash, or of no value to him. If you move out of an apartment and no longer pay rent you don't get a grace period to move your belongings. And I do not believe she is getting any sort of monitary compensation from him for holding his junk.

She was asked to request this information from the local authorities a wile back in the thread... If she did so she will know if she can set it at the curb or not.

According to the local law enforcement the items are considered mine. First off he has no proof that the items belong to him and it would be considered abandonment. They told him a few years ago that because he is no longer in the home the items can be legally bound to her. This was 2 years ago when I was having issues with him before. I have not heard from him since three nights ago when I told him that he needs to figure things out... if I have to move on I can't do that with his things here.

He was visiting a friend of ours yesterday and told his friend that he wasn't going to think about the relationship or where he is going to live until he buys himself a vehicle. This is where his priorities lie. He told me that he loved my children yet failed to call my youngest on her birthday Wednesday night. I told my friend that I can't continue to let him have this control anymore. I will do what I feel is necessary in regards to his things after all his exact words were "They are just THINGS".

Lovergirl,

If he were to come home tomorrow, and say that he loves you, and has made a huge mistake in leaving, would you take him back?

Lovergirl,

If he were to come home tomorrow, and say that he loves you, and has made a huge mistake in leaving, would you take him back?

I don't really know. My heart says one thing and my mind says another. My mind says no you have had enough. My heart says the opposite. I miss him more than anything actually. I don't miss the bull. I gave him the choice the other night. However, I can't continue to let him have this control. I am willing to do what it takes to move on... except from time to time my heart keeps pulling me back. I am afraid of being alone but know that I can do it. I have kids to think about and that's what I am trying to do. I got my schooling all set up and I am just waiting to start. I am excited about it too. These are things that I wanted to do yet didn't have the go power to do it... I hid it.

Stick with keeping him away... Your heart will come to terms with what your brain alreay knows. That he is bad news.

I am trying hard to do just that. My friend told me that my ex was visiting her house yesterday and I instantly got angry. As though this is a big fat game to him. I can't play it anymore. At least that's what My mind tells me.

As you get used to him not being there the heart will stop tugging. That's all it is... the familiarity. Not real love.

That's the battle right there. Each day gets easier... and when I don't hear from him or hear from my friends that he was around I am fine. Its when I know he is around them and when he contacts me that things get carried away in my head and heart. I am trying so hard to let this go.

He had me thinking he was going to marry me and wanted a baby with me. All those things were important to me. Not because it was him but because they are. I can't believe the mind games he kept playing and is still attempting to play with me.

This is exactly one of those things that will get easier as time passes. I'm serious, its just like any breakup after a couple have been together for any real amount of time.

Its hard at first but it progressively does get easier. You just have to stick to your guns. Eventually you will look back and wonder why you put up with him at all.

This is exactly one of those things that will get easier as time passes. I'm serious, its just like any breakup after a couple have been together for any real ammount of time.

Its hard at first but it progressively does get easier. You just have to stick to your guns. Eventually you will look back and wonder why you put up with him at all.

It seems to be a good day. My heart isn't bleeding so much it seems. Thank you so much for your support through all of this.

It seems to be a good day. My heart isn't bleeding so much it seems. Thank you so much for your support through all of this.
Just remember, keep moving forward... not backward. Eventually you will find your way out of the forest.

There was contact today for about 1minute. I had called after not hearing from him for over a week. He was busy and said he would call back. That was almost three hours ago and still no word. He has still made no attempt in getting his things. He won't call and I am tired of waiting for him. What should I do now?

Call his friend, make arrangements to drop off his things, and do it.

You said local law enforcement says you can throw it out.

I'd do what Synen said first. If ALL of the stuff is not picked up by the date and time YOU give. (Don't give more than a couple days) then put everything you don't want out with the trash. And with that, STOP calling him.

I understand that and I am willing to go that route when the time comes. What I am not understanding is why isn't he talking to me? We were together for 5 years and I can't imagine what is going through his head. Did the last 5 years mean absolutely nothing to him?

I told his brother on the phone last night just about everything. His family never really believed me. This time I was told that the brother didn't blame me at all for what I did. And that his brother is nothing but a liar. He didn't really know what to say to me I was crying in his ear. All he could say was that but he did recognize all that I have tried to do to keep the relationship going. Mike (boyfriend) was the one that really messed it up.

So why isn't the boyfriend calling me?

I understand that and I am willing to go that route when the time comes. What I am not understanding is why isn't he talking to me? We were together for 5 years and I can't imagine what is going through his head. Did the last 5 years mean absolutely nothing to him?

I told his brother on the phone last night just about everything. His family never really believed me. This time I was told that the brother didn't blame me at all for what I did. And that his brother is nothing but a liar. He didn't really know what to say to me I was crying in his ear. All he could say was that but he did recognize all that I have tried to do to keep the relationship going. Mike (boyfriend) was the one that really messed it up.

So why isnt the boyfriend calling me?

I really hate to be this blunt but, he's really not that in to you. He isn't talking to you because he only cares about himself. It's easier for him not to talk to you. He doesn't have to answer any of your "why are you doing this to me" questions. Apparently the last 5 years were not as meaningful to him as it was for you. It is nice that the brother understands your side, but the bottom line is, it doesn't really matter. Please stop asking yourself why, why, why. The "why" doesn't matter. What matters is that you get this whole relationship behind you and start a new exciting chapter in your life.

Take his stuff to his brothers house and say good riddance.

Given his actions, the coward is to ashamed to face you. Get rid of his stuff, and say good riddance.

Maybe because of her indecisiveness he's the one that is benefiting here. He knows a few words ever couple of weeks will keep her waiting. By her own admission, if he shows he is sincere, she'll take him back because she loves him.

He's got a good thing going here. As long as he thinks there is an option to resume the relationship, it benefits him to keep up the façade.

I don't know what possible advice could possibly be given until either a decision is made to end the relationship, or wait for him to come home.

Considering too that history has already repeated itself, I'm not betting on a separation.

I'm sad for you lovergirl, I do think your compassion and patience are being wasted with this man, and I hope that you do find the courage to move on.

You are all right. I have given up on waiting for him to come around. I will make an effort this coming weekend to remove some of his belongings and get a hold of his brother to take them to him. I told my friends that he and I have in common that no matter how much I plead or beg to know if they have talked to him or if he says anything not to tell me.
Its really only been 19 days since the incident happened. I don't mean that much to him at all and I am honestly beginning to realize that. I am finding things to do with my time and not sit here waiting and hoping. I gave everything I had in this relationship and I am taking some things back for myself. My kids are benefitting from this as well. I am more in tune with them and less concerned about him. It would be nice to know that he wants to come home but I am not holding my breath anymore. His friends get more attention now than I did in the 5 years I was with him... He is selfish and only thinks of himself. But I refuse to have his things here and I have given him enough chances to get it gone. Its still hard but its easier each day that passes by... especially when I don't speak to him those are the good days. Thank you again for all of the support you have given me.

I understand that and I am willing to go that route when the time comes. What I am not understanding is why isn't he talking to me? We were together for 5 years and I can't imagine what is going through his head. Did the last 5 years mean absolutely nothing to him?

I told his brother on the phone last night just about everything. His family never really believed me. This time I was told that the brother didn't blame me at all for what I did. And that his brother is nothing but a liar. He didn't really know what to say to me I was crying in his ear. All he could say was that but he did recognize all that I have tried to do to keep the relationship going. Mike (boyfriend) was the one that really messed it up.

So why isnt the boyfriend calling me?
Its his way to play his control games... I.E. he is willing to talk to you only on HIS terms. He gets his stuff on HIS terms... basically its more of the same thing he's always done by your words here.

As far as his friends behaviour... I'm guessing ex-boyfriend has a hand in that. Call his friend... give say three days to pick the stuff up or its getting trashed... then do it. Don't wait for a return call. It's a stalling tactic.

I have been advised with so many different things that I am confused as to what to really do. Some are saying that after 30days its considered mine... I am thinking its 30days since I first stated he needed to get it out of here.
I still have not heard from him. I know he is selfish and playing a hell of a game with me here. I am about ready to snap. I am accepting the break up just not accepting the way he is going about all this. I know it meant something to me being with him for this long. How in the world can he treat me this way and feel good about it?

Well, follow the guidelines the Autorities told you. They will know your local laws. Many places anything left behind when someone moves out is considered abandoned property.

If the Cops said you can toss it then 3 days notice to get the rest is being generous.

In the situation you mention, the 30 days would start counting at the point he was first notified to leave.

Look at it this way... he's always been this way... only now you are able to see him for what he is. Love has a way of blinding people to what's obvious to others. You aren't the first, and certainly won't be the last to fall vicitim to "Love is Blind".

You said local law enforcement says you can throw it out.

I'd do what Synen said first. if ALL of the stuff is not picked up by the date and time YOU give. (Don't give more than a couple days) then put everything you don't want out with the trash. And with that, STOP calling him.


You have already solved the questions as to what you can do with his stuff, per your own contact with the local law enforcement.

If you need to call them again to reassure yourself, do so.

Try to focus on one thing at a time. Probably a good start, is getting his stuff out. You'll have plenty of time to ponder the 'why's' of his behaviour, after you have clearly established some space and independence from him.

Tim

Your right... I just need to take one thing at a time. The only avenue of conversation that I have to get the word out are my friends... and I don't rely on them either to say anything. I am hoping to start getting things boxed up and at least out of the rooms this weekend. It just disgusts me that I have to do all of it... feels as though it's a waste of my time and energy to do something for him so to speak. He coulnd't do for himself while living here... its his game plan winning again this go round

Nobody said you had tp box things neatly. Just get some boxes and start throwing stuff in. Stack it all together somewhere out of your way.

You keep coming back to how could he do this to me? He can do it because he is a total jerk, and jerks don't play nicely. It's not like he used to be Mr. nice guy, that was respectful of you, your kids, and your home. He is not behaving out of character. He has been a selfish sorry son of a b!@#$ for a long time. You were not important to him before. Why would he suddenly turn around and break up with you in a classy manner?

Your right cozyk. I shouldn't expect anything other than what's been happening. For me to even think he might have a decent bone in his body was me actually lying to myself. After all I have done and been through. I should not even for a minute think about what his feelings are and why. It's a reality that I wasn't willing to accept. I let him treat me this way I let it get to me and I have the upper hand. I need to act and stop wondering.

You should try one more time to talk to him if that does not work just find a new man and have babies with him and leave him to cry cause that is what he left you to do

I think it is quite natural that you are going to visit and re-visit the past, to try to make some sense of how this all happened, and why. You will need to see it with a clear head though, and that will take a lot of time in itself.

Sometimes the confusion gets even worse because it's easy to remember the good, and downplay the bad, especially when you don't want to, or are hesitant to see things the way they really are.

You'll have good days and bad days, but for now, it's important that you start taking steps, and even if they're little ones, the next ones will be easier.

Maybe pack his things up over three days. Make a list. Do one chunk at a time. That way it will get done, but may not seem so overwhelming.

If the local authorities say you can toss it then the fact you are giving him say 3 days to get it out is purely a courtesy you are not required to offer.

If he disrespects that throw it all in boxes and set them out for the trash. No it doesn't have to be done neatly for the trash.

Don't let him control you through this. I think that's why he's doing this, to exert whatever control he can by dragging this out thinking he can do it as long as he still has stuff there.

Don't give him that control.

He called and came by today. He needed clean things... I allowed him to come back here to get them... on the phone though he told me that he didn't want to end the relationship with me but wanted to get back to where he was when we first met. His own place blah blah blah... when he came here he began the you said this and you said that game... I stopped him and said is that why you came here? I refuse to talk about the past until we can have time to do that. In other words don't talk just get what you came to get. He left here telling me he loved me and the last words he said to me was "Be good"... ok... what in the hell does that mean? BE GOOD? So in response I said the same thing to him... not sure why just reaction. I think it went rather well... he told me he couldn't talk tonight but that we need too and I asked him when... He wasn't sure... but he asked to take the dog with him so... help. I don't want to get to caught up in this I want to very much take it slow

He wants his control back and you are going to give it to him. If he could take the dog he could take all his stuff.

If you don't get rid of his stuff... and cut off ALL contact then he will continue to manipulate you.

True... I must admit though it was nice seeing him. I seen him the way I wanted to not the way he is. Weird. I think this is going to be a tough road. He said he didn't want the relationship to be over... he loves me... but I sense something is hiding behind all that. Telling me to be good. Meaning what really... I know your saying it's a form of control... but seriously... I have been good... good for the last 5 years... grrr!

You are being manipulated, and need to tell him point blank to get all of his stuff, and stop all the contact with him. He leaves a door open to come back, and keep control, and your allowing it.

Can't you see your only prolonging the misery and pain this way? I think its false hope that your reluctant to do what's necessary for your peace of mind. Either get busy, and do what you should be doing, or stop complaining of the confusion, and drama he causes you.

Its not about what he is doing, or thinking, but what YOU do that matters here.

Hate to be harsh, but get your act together, and put an end to this frustration. You can do this.

I agree and I am trying to do what I NEED here. I don't think of this as complaining. These things are indeed happening to me. I have decided that I will do what I NEED to do... thats the only way I can get through this. He was a huge part of my life for 5 years... this isn't going to go away overnight. Trust me when I say that I know what I need to do I am just having a hard time.

As long as YOU allow him some part of your life, then YOU will be the one at fault. You took the first step of getting him out of your life so you can move on... taking two steps back by allowing him back in and to control YOUR life is going to prolong your discomfort. Tapering off is rarely ever a good way to wean yourself off a bad habit. Cold turkey is the fastest way to get past something.

You can choose a lot of discomfort for a short period. Or suffer some discomfort for what could be forever. Your choice. Get it over with or drag it on for way too long.

Or... to rephrase Smoothy--

Just rip the bandaid off. It always stings MORE that way, but for a LOT less time than trying to inch it off.

This is over for us. He had called Sunday night and went on and on about how he couldn't live with my behavior anymore. The fights we got into years ago he can't live down. He told me that point blank. I however tried to tell him the things I couldn't live down and was told "Go ahead say what you have to say to cover up wht you have done". I had no intentions of covering up what I have done 2 years ago. I thought I was forgiven and told him so. I told him I had moved on from that and he couldn't ever let it go. That was a big issue too. And his drugs. That was the other. I told him that well I see what it is that you don't want so you need to come get your things and get them out of here. He refused by saying he had no where to put them. Fine it will be handled. His things will be in the garage full of his stuff anyway. He can take it from there or this summer there will be a huge rummage sale.

So what do you think lovergirl. Does this phone call seem like the rest, or was this the one that has turned the tide.

Can you see your life without him now, and how are you going to manage if he changes his mind and comes back.

Might be a good idea to start planning, and focus on what you can do, instead of what you cannot.

Are you getting used to the idea that you are indeed, going to be strong and independent?

This phone call was terrible I believe. Blaming and not accepting his own wrongs. I have come to the realization that I can live with out him and move on. And if he in fact does change his mind at some point there are true boundries that will be in place before he is allowed to cross the threshold of this loving home.

I can be without him and be independent. I have to let go of something's myself. His calls are short and cordial for the most part. He took the family dog for a visit with him and I had called him to bring her back. I do still miss him but that too will come with this time I am taking to find myself.
My online classes started yesterday and I will be well involved in that for the next 8 weeks. So that does help.

Don't give him until summer to get the stuff... give him 3 days then throw it out. Donate it to charity (for the tax deduction)... havae a rummage sale. Whatever. But if HE wants it he gets it now or it goes bye-bye.

And at that point you no longer call him, talk to him... or have anything further to do with him. Period, end of story.

If you do anything further with him then at this point its your fault not his. He may be a jerk, but you know this, and know better, and allow it. Oh if you do have contact it is your fault. You could not call him, or refuse to talk to him.

What I had meant by that was that he will have only a short amount of time to get his things. And then when summer comes I will get rid of it by having a rummage sale. After the offer was given for him to get his things and he doesn't comply the items belong to me. Possession is 9/10ths of the law... so I keep hearing. I will see fit to make a dime or two if I can... I will need this money to help with my living expenses and care for my children. He lives with his cousin on a farm I am sure there are places he can store his things there rather than leaving them here to maintain his control.

OK, it was important to clarify that. I'll agree with what you said. You decide if a rummage sale will get you more than a tax writeoff on a charitible donation. But unless you itemize your taxes the rummage sale might be your best bet. If you itemized the tax writeoff might be bigger.

You have to completely sever communications to him if you are going to get past this any time soon.

I agree and I am trying. Trust me when I say this. When he calls I am short and try to end the call as quickly as possible. Depending on the reason. I am trying hard not to even answer the phone when he calls. Sometimes this is hard because the kids tend to answer the phone. I have told my oldest that if he calls I am not here or ask to take a message.

This phone call was terrible I believe. Blaming and not accepting his own wrongs. I have come to the realization that I can live with out him and move on...

I can be without him and be independent. I have to let go of somethings myself. His calls are short and cordial for the most part. ... I do still miss him but that too will come with this time I am taking to find myself.

Well, add me to your "cheerleader" list. Not much of substance to offer, other than I'm glad you are doing what must be done, and you realize how strong you really are.

Sorry you are in this place, but I know you will not stay in this place, as your will is too strong and determined.

Go you.

*shakes pom poms*

OK small drawback here. This one was not at all my fault. I was awoken this morning about 1 am... The ex was waking me up... to tell me he brought the family dog back. I had no idea at this time what time it really was. He stated that he tried to call first. I was groggy and still half asleep when he did this. I had really no time to react. He left saying he loved us and that he would talk to me tomorrow. I am upset at the hour it was and that he tried calling a half hour before he showed up. I was sleeping... so were my children. Did he honestly expect that someone here would have answered the phone at that hour... let alone be up and about at 1 am when he showed up. I am a bit upset about this.

How the HELL did he get INTO your house at that hour?

Get the locks changed today.

I actually leave the doors unlocked. I have always been like this. I just don't understand how he can think that its OK to just show up when ever he feels like it. He loves us but can't change? He loves me and can't be with me? He loves me and can barge in when he feels like it? What the heck.

He thinks he can do it because he DID do it.

If the doors had been locked, he wouldn't have been able to.

You NEED to lock the doors. He needs to know that he is NOT allowed to walk in whenever he feels like it.

Regardless... if they were locked or not he would have persisted with the knocking. I can't know what he is thinking... but from a guys point of view what may be going on in his head?

It has nothing to do with a guy's point of view.

It has to do with the fact that for the last 5 years, he HAS gotten away with behaviour like this. Why would he possibly think it's changed now.

It's one more way of manipulating you, controlling you.

You keep leaving the Door open... figuratively and metaphorically.

Change the locks if he has a key... and lock them even if he doesn't. Too many thieves and such walking around. I live in a nice low crime area and I don't even leave my car doors unlocked much less the house during the DAYTIME.

Lock your doors!
Tell him that you don't take calls after 11:00 or whatever.
Tell him that he is not welcome in your home.
IF he calls at a decent time, he may come over one last time to get his things by such-n-such a date or they will be donated or sold.
PERIOD. Don't listen to his "I love you" crap.
" I hear what you say, I see what you do. " He does not love anyone.

I am trying to be strong. It's so hard considering our past together. I still only try to hold on to the good things. He called just a bit ago asking about a check that was supposed to come here and his keys. I can't keep this up any longer with out him knowing how much of an inconvenience it is to me for him to do this... but I am afraid if I do that it will surely be the end. I am scared. This is harder than I thought.

You have to make a choice... you can't have it both ways... you etierh cut him off, once and for all and for good... or you quietly put up with his antics. The choice is yours. Tell him its inconvienient, and he gets his stuff by a certain date you set in the next few days. He is not to call you after that, Knock on your door or write you letters or anything online. Anything he doesn't pick up is your to do as you wish... but if YOU allow him to keep talking to you then YOU are the current source of the problem.

I think you need to get yourself into therapy Lovergirl, and why that is my opinion is as follows:

- you have three children also going around this toxic merry-go-round
- he is a drug dealer
- he gets drunk all the time
- he brings out the worst in you to a point of you, as you said, being psychotic- screaming, yelling, throwing things
- even feeling like this, your original post was about feeling lonely, and wanting another baby
- you allow him to come and go as he pleases, at any time of the day or night
- he has made it clear that he wants his own place
- you are worried you cannot make ends meet without his income, yet you haven't said anything about getting financial assistance
- clearly, as you said, he cares more about the dog than you, also in your first post

I think that despite all good intentions of people trying to help you, you are not ready to be helped. You have not yet gone from thinking about making choices, to actually making changes, and taking steps to do so.

Making choices to provide a safe environment for your children, and independence from a man who clearly is a poor choice for you, is not happening.

If you were to speak to a professional about your inability to see that the relationship is clearly over, or should be over, perhaps that would push you in the right direction to actually let him go and get on with your life.

The children here are almost a side note, and they should be your priority. While you continue to hope that he will change and come home, while leaving your doors unlocked (knowing who his friends are), and keep yourself pre-occupied with your needs, theirs are being neglected.

That he is a drug user and dealer should be enough to realize that your children are in a very unsafe environment, while you keep the door open, and anxiously await some magical change in him that will suddenly make everything all right.

I don't know what it will take for you to see the life you are choosing to live right now is not a healthy or sustainable one, for you, or your children.

If you cannot emotionally separate yourself from him, put the children first, and do it for their sake.

You are all right. I am having a very tough time. I shouldn't be so caught up in him changing when deep down I know he won't. I should see someone to help me get through this. A therapist. Someone that can help lead me in the right direction. I am putting my kids first more now than ever. I can't believe that I put them aside like that for this person that just had to have total control. A person that says I will do what I want when I want and not even think about who he is walking all over to get it. My children were victimized by him and I allowed it. I even told him that I allowed so many things to go on and he would cut me off... saying "what do you mean YOU ALLOWED ME" Enough I said. You can't see past yourself to see the big picture and I spent too much of my time trying to make you see. I allowed this to happen when I had the control all along. You want to control your own life by doing what you think is right and wrong. Go for it. I want to be happy and I deserve someone in my life that wants to make me happy. He even told me that he doesn't want to MAKE anyone happy only himself. I walked away from that thinking... hmmm... you just said it all right there... why did I blind myself and not see that. I should have. I am sorry for blabbering on and on. This does help even though you may not think it does. If I have to see a therapist then I will. I really am trying here and if you were here you would see that. This isn't easy at all for me. Again... Thanks so much for your words of encouragement.

I think that you seeing a counsellor is a really smart move lovergirl, and good for you for taking that direction.

It is all to easy to accept 'help' from friends and family, but that can sometimes not be enough. Making any big change is hard work, especially when, like most of us, you hope for the best, and you're stuck with a situation you didn't ask for.

It is nice to see you write what you DO want in a relationship too. Setting standards and goals for yourself is a really possitive thing to do. This is your life afterall; don't settle because you don't think you aren't worthy of quality in a relationship with a man.

I do hope you find some encouragement and peace of mind when you see a counsellor.

In the meanwhile, stay strong, and build on the direction you want to go for yourself and your children.

Keep in touch.

Umm... he hasn't showered in weeks? That's never a good sign. Neglecting important things (ie hygiene) is a sign of depression, or at least of "i-just-don't-give-a-crap-itis"

We know you are trying and know it is not easy to rearrange everything in your life, and do what's necessary for your future, and your kids. It hard work, and will take time, so take it a step at a time, as getting him from your life, is first and foremost.

You can do this, but you may need some help, family or friends, to clean your house of anything that causes you trouble, and confusion. That's him and all his stuff. Then you can lock your doors.

Good Luck, and prayers.

Umm...he hasn't showered in weeks? That's never a good sign. Neglecting important things (ie hygiene) is a sign of depression, or at least of "i-just-don't-give-a-crap-itis"

Where did you see that?

Thanks again so much. Jake... I wanted you to know that I am going to try to get help financially today. By first getting on a list that will help with my rent. As I have stated before I am a full time online student and that will be consuming much of my time. But I will be doing the first thing today. The second thing is that I have a representative coming this afternoon to help get me started selling AVON. I know what some of you must be thinking... but I consider it a step up. I am receiving unemployment as well to help suppliment and also getting child support for at least one of my children. That should help some. I was talking to my son the other day and he is happy that the ex isn't here. He was concerned for me for a while and didn't like him very much. I should have stopped and looked at it back then and I didn't. I will do what I can with the therapist and I do appreciate what all of you here have done. I now consider all of you my friends and it's nice to know you are all here for me. Thanks so much! :)

Lovergirl, I applaud you for getting those ducks in a row. Remember to check to see if there is a county supported counseling center. You pay on a sliding scale according to your income. Therapy is not cheap and this could be good for you.

Any step in the right direction is an improvement. WHen the next better possibility arrives keep your eyes open. As long as all your steps are in the right direction that's what matters most.

Where did you see that?
It's in the bottom of the initial post. And if he isn't keeping clean, that makes a problem for HER too, seeing as it would kind of be gross and potentially unhealthy for everyone involved.

Thanks again so much. Jake...I wanted you to know that I am going to try to get help financially today. By first getting on a list that will help with my rent. As I have stated before I am a full time online student and that will be consuming much of my time. But I will be doing the first thing today. The second thing is that I have a representative coming this afternoon to help get me started selling AVON. I know what some of you must be thinking...but I consider it a step up. I am receiving unemployment as well to help suppliment and also getting child support for at least one of my children. That should help some. I was talking to my son the other day and he is happy that the ex isn't here. He was concerned for me for a while and didn't like him very much. I should have stopped and looked at it back then and I didn't. I will do what I can with the therapist and I do appreciate what all of you here have done. I now consider all of you my friends and it's nice to know you are all here for me. Thanks so much!! :)

It's good that things are looking up. And hey, nothing wrong with selling Avon, a friend of my mom's did that for a while and it was a good between-career move. It sounds like you're a smart woman who just sort of had a crappy time, but you seem to know how to get back on track. Congrats!

Lovergirl, I'm curious as to how it's going and how you are doing.

I am well... I am sorry it's been so long since I have posted. I have been busy with my kids and my schooling. I went to the doctor the other day and he put me on some antidepressants which help some. But I feel that I am doing much better. I applaud all of you for sticking by me in this tough time. I will continue to keep you posted. :)

Is it possible that he could be bipolar? Sounds like it from what you describe.

Good for you!

I say a little prayer for you every day, that you have the strength to keep believing in yourself, and the strength to do what's best for YOU right now.

Just remember... always look forward, not back. Eventually you will wonder in your heart how you ever felt this way about him. And it will be sooner than you think.

Always move forward... never move backwards.

Hey lovergirl, I have to check up on you now and then to make sure you are staying strong. I was going to say "how is life treating you these days" but you know what? You don't have power over that. The question should be "How are you treating life these days"? You have some say over that.

Hello everyone. Things are getting much better. They are better. He has finally removed his belongings out of the place and I can now situate things the way that I want them. He calls me still... tells me he loves me and all that stuff. But I now have my own life. I do my own things and have more strength to put him in his place when he is in mine. Thanks for your support through all of this and know that I haven't forgotten about all of you.

Hello everyone. Things are getting much better. As a matter of fact they are better. He has finally removed his belongings out of the place and I can now situate things the way that I want them. He calls me still...tells me he loves me and all that stuff. But I now have my own life. I do my own things and have more strength to put him in his place when he is in mine. Thanks for your support through all of this and know that I haven't forgotten about all of you.

I'm so happy to hear from you. I was just thinking about you... REALLY. I was reading some of my reddie/greenie posts and was redirected back to this thread. I'm proud of your progress. Keep up the good work and put you and your kids first.:):

That's really good news Lovergirl, good for you!

It must be a relief to have your own space, and be in control of your own life. :)

I outrage. I have tried so many different tactics at communicating. Being sincere and understanding to no avail. Getting upset and showing anger about the situation to no avail. For a while now I outrage with actually throwing fits. Screaming and yelling and even throwing and breaking things. I am THAT frustrated. I decided today though that he can come back...I want him to but there is a condition...he has to change to walk through my door. I put alot into this relationship and actually expected nothing in return and in expecting that I got exactally that...NOTHING!! After 4 years I thought he would have conformed to a man that has a family that he needs to take care of....he is so selfish and self centered. He comes first. Those are his exact words. I love him though and can find the reasons why, but what I need he can't give and I feel lost and helpless...my heart hurts...how can I get nothing when I feel I have given everything?? How can any person feel comfortable and happy with treating people this way? I am scared and lonely.


Do you know who you are? Do you understand all of your great qualities and strengths? Do you feel that you have a healthy sense of self? Are you constantly looking to others to validate who you are? Im asking this stuff because I have put myself in situations similar to yours as far as men being emotionaly unavailable, or controlling... the yelling when you try to talk about things that are important to you... you really need to look inside and figure out what makes you want to stay with someone that contributes so much to your pain. In the end, it's all about coming from a place of forgiveness and love and all that good stuff. Learn to start with treating yourself with the love and forgiveness you set aside for others and you will see a chain of beautiful souls come into your life. Simply because you are you and you are perfect! Everything is a lesson or a chance to learn more about ourselves. Good luck!

Hi lovergirl,
It is not a good relationshipyou like to have more babies. Are you finacially independent? If I am you, I will end the relationshp ASAP.
You deserve better man.
Good luck!

hi lovergirl,
it is not a good relationshipyou like to have more babies. are you finacially independent? if I am you, I will end the relationshp ASAP.
You deserve better man.
Good luck!

Read the prior post. You will see that she has come a long way.