Hi,

I had been single for the past two years after a very bad relationship until I met a woman 10 years older then me and married, we just clicked, it was obvious we both liked each other straight away. She was upfront about being married from the start, I'd never normally get involved with someone already taken but it just felt right. We've met up everyday since we've 1st met over 2 months ago and she has said she loves me and I feel very strongly about her too. We recently had a fight over something I can't even remember and its just caused us to argue over the stupidest things and now she has gone cold. She's suggested that we see less of each other. She's said her feelings for me haven't changed but that we got too serious too quick. I don't know what to do for the best. I know I shouldn't have got involved in the first place but I don't want to finish it. Is it doomed to fail?

Yes, it is doomed to fail. You are going to catch a lot of flack for getting involved with a married woman. You both are cheaters! You say it just felt right... what exactly feels right about doing something like this? I think you both should sit down and talk to the husband... maybe the three of you can come to a rational decision that works best for all. This way, everyone can be happy... tell me she doesn't have children?

Of course it's doomed to fail, it was from the get go... She's MARRIED. Let her go and find someone who is actually available.

No she doesn't have any children

She is still married. If you want her, wait until the divorce is final.

Yes, you will fail in this attempt.

This will ruin her marriage and your actions will ruin her family.

She is a cheater and you are an enabler.

Walk away, just walk away.

Who said anything about a divorce? Do they plan on getting a divorce?

I said something about a divorce. He should not be dating a married woman. If he wants to continue to date her, wait until her divorce is final or move on.

I know you said something about divorce. My point is, he never said that the woman he was involved with is even considering divorce. You said, "Wait until the divorce is final," which implies that they are in the process of getting a divorce. That is why I asked the question, because I saw nothing even mentioned of her contemplating such a thing... sorry for the confusion.

I just meant that he should not be dating a married woman. LOL

True! The thread is over and the answers you need are now clear... quit dating her and find someone who isn't married... and someone who wouldn't cheat for that matter.

She hasn't mentioned divorce. She said she was in a sexless marriage not a loveless one. We don't talk about her marriage at all when we are together.

Of course you don't talk about her marriage - she's cheating, she SHOULD be ashamed... you should be too.

Who cares if it's a sexless marriage - that doesn't give her the right to have an affair.

Run man, run.

No respect.

she said she was in a sexless marriage

That's the same excuse all cheaters give.

They still love each other, but since they don't have sex anymore then it is all right that she has sex with another guy :rolleyes: I bet she even got permission from her husband on this...

Yeah, leave this broad alone. She is wayward, dishonest and even though she might have good qualities, she is not relationship material with anyone right now. If you're looking for someone who is truly unavailable and unable to commit, there are many singles out there who only want no-strings-attached. Let's say she left her spouse for you: yeah, it'd be fun for a little while, but then you'd get paranoid, wondering if she's going to do to you what she's done to her husband: BETRAYL. Cheating is ugly and there's nothing sexy and exciting about a clandestine affair. It's nerve-wracking and it hacks at your conscience. Not to mention the creation of negative karma. Go have fun with other un-married people.

But it just felt right

No it didn't, you were a horn dog, and got a cheap thrill, that was easy. That doesn't make it right, as helping someone cheat never is.

This relationship will only cause pain, not happiness.

Find someone that can be there 100%, devoted to you!

Messing around with a married woman can only lead to the husband chasing you around with bat.

What a wonderful man you are! Saving this poor woman from a loveless, sexless marriage! Then after two months, you get into an argument that you can't even remember what is was about, and she goes cold! She wanted a boy toy, you wanted a cougar. As soon as problems came up, she wasn't having fun anymore. She probably has to deal with problems at home too! Poor girl! God forbid a marriage would have any problems! It's suppose to be a bed of roses isn't it? When it isn't, well then it's time to go find someone else on the side for some "fun!"

She should be ashamed of herself... you should be ashamed of yourself... and you both need to get your morals in check. How long do you think it would be before she cheated on you? My crystal ball says, the first chance she got!

I don't see it as me saving her, and I don't like her because of her age. She was unhappy and so was I, this isn't just a sex thing. We bring a bit of happiness to each other.

Well isn't it nice that both of you can have a little of happiness. I wonder how happy that makes her husband? I bet she has children too doesn't she? I bet they would be proud of Mommy! After all, it is about her happiness isn't it? And you are happy to help out! SHE IS A MARRIED WOMAN! Plain and simple! It's too bad that you don't understand that, and you are willing to help her break her vows for you own personal selfish reasons. I don't care how you look at it. It's WRONG! But you seem to be quite proud to be involved in ruining other peoples lives!

To answer your original question. "Is it doomed to fail" Without a doubt in my mind the answer is YES!!

Just an update, I finished with her today, although there were tears and she begged me not to leave, I stook by my guns and I've learnt my lesson. As I read your replies I knew you guys were right, I just didn't want to accept it, I tried convincing myself that it was OK but ultimately I knew deep down. I deleted her number and cut all ties with her. Time for NC.

Very smart move. You will be proud of yourself and thankful that you did this.

Best wishes and happy holidays. :)

I feel terrible right now, but that's my own fault.

You are doing the right thing. Morally!

You shouldn't feel bad. You should feel good that you are thinking about other people besides yourself.

Hats off to you sir! You feel bad now, but in time you will realize this was the best decision for everyone involved.

I just read your post today and I am happy about the decision you made.

Stick to NC, no matter how many times she calls, texts, e-mails, etc.

The emotions that your feelings is normal and you have to take it day by day but no matter what, don't give in.

Why would you want to be a home wrecker? How would you feel if your wife and you were married did that to you... It's not going to work.. so forget it.

Why would you want to be a home wrecker? How would you feel if your wife and you were married did that to you.... It's not going to work.. so forget it.


That is exactly what he is saying. He broke it off with her.

Yes, southerngalps, but he is still questioning it.. That to me, tells me he isn't through with it..

Well, yes. I'm sure anyone stupid enough to be with a married person will question breaking it off.

At least he is on the right track :)

No, I know I made a mistake and won't go back there, its just hard is all.

Keep yourself busy, get involved with new things, as hard as it sounds. Meet new people.. and stay away from married ones.. they rarely leave their husbands...

Keep yourself busy, get involved with new things, as hard as it sounds. Meet new people.. and stay away from married ones.. they rarely leave their husbands...

And even if they do - they'll leave you too one day.

People tell you and show you who they are.

Run!

Hello

If you're a prick then I say go right ahead and continue trying to get things to work.

If not there's two things you should consider:

A: She's married. How would you feel if your companion was unfaithful to you?
B: Once a cheater always a cheater. You do not engage with women/guys that have a tendency to be unfaithful.

Speaking from my own experience, my first girlfriend was married when we started dating. I was still in college; she had dropped out. She separated and divorced him and we were together for a while, but she went through serious depression and got a lot of flak from her family. She broke up with me when I started grad school, eventually marrying the guy she dumped me for (and this too later collapsed).

It was a rocky relationship and I carry regrets about the circumstances to this day, although she and I are still good friends.

I know its been a while but an here's an update.

This was my original post

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/involved-married-woman-290917.html#post1422305


Sorry for the long post.

I tried no contact but after a week of constant texts begging me to talk to her I broke no contact, she said if she couldn't have a relationship could we at least be friends.

I tried to explain how hard that would be to me but I could see she needed me so tried to keep my texts friendly but short and never encourage her.

I tried to get her to sort out her relationship and start looking after herself and to give up drinking. So after a few weeks of on-off again I knew I had to finish it for good and realised me actually talking to her was stopping us both from moving on and getting over each other. I told her as much and she said she was getting away for the weekend to clear her head. I turned my mobile off and tried to get my own head in order too. I turned on my phone after a couple of days and it was full of texts from her. She asked for closure as to why I finished. She wanted to know why ended it so I tell her I wanted her so bad but couldn't have her and it hurts and its best if we don't do the friends thing just go no contact. I hear nothing for a couple of hours and get a text saying she has finished with her bloke and we can be together if I want her. Talk about a complete surprise, a week before and throughout the 'relationship' she had told me she would never leave him.

I asked her to come round to talk about it face to face. She turns up completely drunk and crying wanting to know why I had made her leave him and then not want her. So I asked her what was said and why she had done it. To which she replied does it matter? I asked her why had she left him now and not earlier to which she replied ' I didn't want you then, I was happy for things to carry on as they were but after realising I would lose you for good and this is the only way we could be together I left him'

I love her so much but I don't know where I stand with her, she cries constantly and says she can't live without me. I'm so confused all these months she said she didn't want me and now today after always saying she doesn't want children she mentions wanting to have kids with me , I don't even know if she was joking. My heart says go for it but my head says hang on a minute. What a mess, I know I got myself into this mess and people won't agree with it morally I would still like to hear your input

Wait, I am confused, are you guys together now or still in limbo?

Limbo

Drop her man, if you are still in limbo. What does that say about her character that she will drop guys for another?

I think you need to let this one go. She clearly has no idea what she wants and on top of that downgraded you from a boyfriend to a Plan B. You are worth more than this--and she's not seeing it. She dumps you, gets another guy, realises she loses you, dumps him for you again?? What future is there with a chick like that... This is likely to repeat itself and you don't need this sh*t again. As much as you love and care for her, you need to lookout for yourself. Sometimes the easy road is not the best one.

Heal first, and then find yourself a girl that has you as a Plan A.

Like Tal would say "don't make someone a priority when they regard you only as an option" or something along those lines..

She was quite happy to cheat on a guy to be with you. Now you made her drop the other guy, or so she thinks, but the point is she did drop him, and wants to be with you.

Look she is good at shuffling guys around to fit her needs, so why be one of them?

Your crazy to think you can have a reasonable, binding conversation with a drunk, in the first place.

All signs point to leaving this situation completely.

Thanks guys. Cheers talaniman, sound advice as always.

To her it sounds as though now I can have her I don't want her. To me its I wanted you so much and couldn't have you what changed? I don't want be an option, I asked her why she left him for me and she never gave me a proper explanation, just that I shouldn't question it and be happy. Maybe at the present time I'm just a better option but then how long until a better option comes along and I get booted? When I tried to explain this she stormed off saying I don't trust her and then began texting me as soon as she got home.

Disappear from her life, and I guarantee, things will look up with time, and some work on your part.

So I left her told her its completely over and she's already seeing someone else less then a week of complete no contact lol how stupid I feel now. I guess the adage once a cheat always a cheat. I don't know why, even though I finished it I feel so depressed :( This is definitely the end of the chapter just got to move on now.

So i left her told her its completely over and shes already seeing someone else less then a week of complete no contact lol how stupid i feel now. I guess the old adage once a cheat always a cheat. I dont know why, even though i finished it i feel so depressed :( This is definitely the end of the chapter just got to move on now.

Good riddance man! Be thankful she is out of your life, as now you can actually find someone deserving of you. The other guy she is with is a rebound too, so I wouln't worry about that, although it doesn't matter. Laminate a pic of her, paste it to the bottom of your toilet bowl, and do work son. That will make you feel better...

Carry on... :cool:

kctiger always telling it how it is lol cheers. Yeah good riddence to bad rubbish just doesn't feel that way yet, I'm liking the toilet idea haha

I must be a real glutton for punishment because I fell for all her words again, she left her bloke took off her rings came round mine yesterday and said we were meant to be together we spent all day together we just talked, we talked about starting a family and our feelings and building trust etc then she left for work and I got a text saying how she skipped work and set up a romantic weekend for us and booked us a valentines break.
By now I'm eating out the palm of her hand, lapping all this up I go to send a few emails and I realised it was still signed into her account. Now I had a moral dillema do the right thing trust her and sign out immediately or just have a glance. I had a glance and oh boy what did I find? The romantic break was set up weeks ago for her and her husband then I check her sent messages and it was full of flirty emails to some guy that got more and more explicit and then naked pictures of her spread eagle asking if he liked the view and how she couldn't wait to to see him, the message was sent an hour after she had 'left for work' as I confronted her she tried to convince me it was an honest mistake and the email was destined for me. Lol
I feel like such a fool, I was so angry I was shaking how could she blatantly lie to me like that? I'm more angry with myself to be honest. Now there's no question of me going no contact I deleted her from my whole life changed my email and mobile number straight away unplugged my house phone. Now its time to buck up my ideas. Why didn't I listen to you guys? I guess some will reckon I deserve it and you reap what you sow but I'm just a guy who fell in love with the wrong type of woman

Well, now the good thing is you are angry. I learned a saying a long time ago, when people cry about their situation which doesn't change anything but when they get angry, they bring about change.

Dude. Srlsy. Wat?

I mean... you already know the mistakes you did. And you know what you are supposed to do. So just do it.

I had finished a relationship a few weeks ago and my ex took it pretty bad and threatened to kill herself (she has a history of depression).

I ignored her texts and calls, there were up to 20 a day until about a week ago when she said she would kill herself if I never replied, knowing her history I caved in and text her to seek help as I wouldn't be able to live with myself if she actually did kill herself.

I told her I would change my number if she kept up this behaviour and she did stop ringing and texting as much as she was, for the past week I've received about 1 text a day and no phone calls so I thought it was all sorting itself out and she realised it was over.


Then I found out she has made up fake Facebook and myspace accounts added all my friends so she can spy on me. I've deleted my online accounts and changed my number a few days ago.

Now my neighbour asked if I was aware that my ex had been driving past my house about 5 or 6 times a DAY, EVERYDAY this week and he had seen her doing the same thing a few days last week too (she lives a good hours drive away so it definitely isn't coincidental) . I'm getting notes through my door, saying how we are meant to be together and that we're soul mates etc, nothing threatening though.

Do I continue ignoring her and hope she gives up eventually or go to the police and report her- she hasn't threatened me or anything so I don't know what they could do.

Is there anything more I could do?

Wowww! Can you shed some light how long you guys were together and the reason for the breakup? Becos I had something similar happen to me and kept making it clear is over and I said it was OK to text 1 text a day until it finally stopped

We had an affair for about 5/6 months she left her husband (she says for me) but I had found out there were other men she was having affairs with at the same time, so I ended it.

Ever consider a restraining order?

Ever consider a restraining order?

I don't know if, it would push her over the edge or even make her worse

Do you think she will eventually just stop?

The bottom line is that you aren't responsible for her or her well being. I know that you would feel guilty if she did anything, but you aren't doing yourself or her any good by responding to her texts.

She needs help, but you cannot provide that help.

Change your number, get a restraining order, don't respond to her texts, report her if she drives by your home, make it very clear that your relationship is over and there is no hope for a reconciliation.

Throw away any messages you get, delete all text messages, No contact, hopefully she'll give up and get on with her life.

I wish I could give better advice. I once had an ex very much like this one, he stalked me for over 5 years, would send flowers, notes, call and then hang up, anything to keep contact. The day before I married my husband he called, told me he'd be there when my marriage ended and I realized that he was the only one for me.

I got married, moved, had a different number and I haven't heard from him since. I got lucky, hopefully you will too.

Good luck.

This situation kind of hits home with me. I had an ex also that exhibited stalker type behavior. She actually broke into my apartment one day and cleaned it, did my laundry, and baked cookies for me. Can you say psycho?

Like others have stated, not much you can do except change your number and ignore her - but also making it clear beyond a shadow of a doubt that the relationship is over.

This situation kind of hits home with me. I had an ex also that exhibited stalker type behavior. She actually broke into my apartment one day and cleaned it, did my laundry, and baked cookies for me. Can you say psycho?

Like others have stated, not much you can do except change your number and ignore her - but also making it clear beyond a shadow of a doubt that the relationship is over.

Cookies and cleaning? Wow, I wish! ;)

Go to the police and report her, not only would it be better for you, but it would be better for her. It sounds like she needs help and if police take over they can help her. But don't feel bad. You're the one who told her the truth that you didn't feel the same way anymore. You did the right thing as far as tell her the truth. But other then that she could be saying she's going to kill herself so you would run to her and be there for her like she wants you to. Don't be afraid move on and put her in your past. No matter how pesty she might be getting..

*but the cops could help

Keep all the notes or anything she sends you as proof... yes.. call the cops.. get a restraining order.. looks like it might be the only thing to keep her off your back

she could be saying shes going to kill herself so you would run to her and be there for her like she wants you to.

I think that is why she does it, so she can still have some sort of control over me however small. If I get a text asking if I'll meet her and don't reply I receive about 5/6 texts an hour saying all crazy stuff but if I reply NO she leaves me alone for the rest of the day so I found it easier to reply.

I guess from now on though its another new number, I can't be responsible for her any longer.

In your case I could see this ultimately going to the point where the are police involved, so be wary of any escalating behavior on her part.

My ex eventually got a restraining order on ME and I was essentially kicked out of my apartment for a few weeks (she stayed there claiming she was living with me, pretty messed up I know!) When I showed up at court I told the judge that she was the one who broke into my apartment to clean, do my laundry, and bake cookies he shook his head with this look of disbelief on his face. She didn't deny doing this, saying instead that she loved me and that I needed her. So, the judge removed the restraining order on me and put one on HER and then ordered her out of my apartment.

Just be careful, not sure if your ex would be the type to and do something like this so you might want to take the initiative and go to the cops but you know her better than us.

Fyi: the cookies were good..

Have you sat down and talked with her? Some people need complete closure. By this I mean sitting down face to face and being compassionate. Tell her that what you guys had is over and she needs to accept that. Tell her what she's doing is unhealthy and needs to stop. She needs to move on with her life, and that she can't pin guilt on someone because they don't get their way, and that its not fair. Remind her that feelings have to be mutual for a relationship to continue, and your feelings for her have changed.Some people can't accept the full picture unless its explained to them in a nurturing way. If she still doesn't understand, warn her about the legal consequences. If she doesn't listen then take action.

Have you sat down and talked with her? Some people need complete closure. By this i mean sitting down face to face and being compassionate. Tell her that what you guys had is over and she needs to accept that. Tell her what she's doing is unhealthy and needs to stop. She needs to move on with her life, and that she can't pin guilt on someone because they dont get their way, and that its not fair. Remind her that feelings have to be mutual for a relationship to continue, and your feelings for her have changed.Some people can't accept the full picture unless its explained to them in a nurturing way. If she still doesnt understand, warn her about the legal consequences. If she doesnt listen then take action.

I have. She said she understand she's to blame and is sorry and she understands everything but asked if I would not change my number and reply to her so she knows I am safe and well (am going through a medical ordeal at the minute) so it seemed reasonable and I agreed the first few days I got a couple texts asking if I am OK and how did things go. Then I went a few days without replying and she replied how bad she was feeling not knowing if I was OK and that she was so bad she was going to end it and then watch over me from the other side, so I replied I was fine, Since then it has escalated into what I have just described.

Then it is time to move on to the next step and take action. You warned her already

Document everything, and ignore her as she isn't taking no for an answer. When you complain to the police your evidence will speak for you. Change that number so she cannot contact you. That's a must, and a clear signal to leave you alone.

Change your number! Then do as Tal said, document everything, hopefully it won't come to a police issue and she will eventually grow up

Any updates?

It's still going on.

I deleted my Facebook, changed my mobile phone number and set all her emails to spam and I only check that email once a week to keep it active so she can't steal the account if it goes inactive.

I got away for a week and stayed with a mate for a much needed rest I got back there had been no letters through the door so it all looked good but I don't know if she had still been going past the house in that time. Thing is I received no emails in that time but all of a sudden as soon as I get back I'm getting them again, I don't know if it is coincidence or she knew I went away?

Then yesterday I received an email saying she loves me, then she messaged my best friend on Facebook to ask him to tell me she still loves me. My friend is a police officer and I have informed him of everything that has happened, he let her know in no uncertain terms if she contacts him ever again he will have her done for harassment.

My friend told me she has added a few of my friends on Facebook and even added my boxing instructor as a friend. The friend she added I no longer speak to and after 3 years of being at my gym I'm changing gyms because she knows the address of the gym and training times.

The whole thing is driving me crazy, constantly looking over my shoulder when I'm out, its making me not want to leave the house. I've been back a few days and I've asked my friend if I could go stay there again next week for a few weeks which is fine.

Its time to bring this to the police. You can file a report without getting a restraining order.

File the report. Document it.

Been there, done that, no fun. But you have to stand up for yourself and take control of the situation.

Best of luck. Crazy exes are no fun. I know :)

I too had a crazy stalker ex-boyfriend who told my friends and acquaintances that he was going to kill me after I changed my phone number! I even had to get police protection for a couple days then I just moved out of town completely.
With these crazy people sometimes drastic measures are necessary or they will consume your whole life!

I don't think people take it as serious when it's a female stalking a male, especially as she is small and quite attractive and I'm quite big and train and box etc. Someone even said to me I wouldn't mind if she stalked me.

I definitely don't want to move city as I have just applied for my dream job. If I don't get the job then I may consider it, my friend asked if I would move to where she lives 200 miles away and get a house together which does sound really tempting, we lived together while at university for 2 years so I know it could work.

So another update this whole thing is driving me crazy!!

I had 2 weeks of relative silence just two notes through the post. But this past week has been a nightmare, its starting up again. I've received 7 notes. 4 through the post and 3 put through my door after she has knocked at my door and hung around outside my house for a couple of hour.

She's back to driving past my house again nearly everyday.

I went to the police who are unwilling to do anything! They said as she has not threatened me or been malicious they can't do anything. They just advised me to change my number which I have done ages ago and to save all correspondence she has had with me. Bloody useless.

Anyone have any ideas as what to do next? I've lost friends and had to miss certain activities I like as she turns up all the time. The places I like to go are out of bounds as she always turns up.

Why don't u just go about your life and prentend she's not there. Don't look at her, turn your back or wlak away if she talks to you...

I'm not sure if you can get a restraining order - without proof of threats or violence.
However, I think that you should keep a written record of everything that happens and lodge a report with the Police. I suspect that there is not much they can do at the moment unless she does something more serious than just hassling you.

What you can and must do is have no contact with her whatsoever. Are you able to take a holiday or go away for a while? If you can't then I'd be at home as little as possible - eat out, visit friends, see a movie.

Pretend she doesn't exist - put her out of your mind. The more you think about the things she's doing (and worry about them) the more energy you give her. She'll tire of it eventually and hassle some poor other sucker.

So another update this whole thing is driving me crazy!!!

I had 2 weeks of relative silence just two notes through the post. But this past week has been a nightmare, its starting up again. I've received 7 notes. 4 through the post and 3 put through my door after she has knocked at my door and hung around outside my house for a couple of hour.

She's back to driving past my house again nearly everyday.

I went to the police who are unwilling to do anything! They said as she has not threatened me or been malicious they can't do anything. They just advised me to change my number which I have done ages ago and to save all correspondence she has had with me. Bloody useless.

Anyone have any ideas as what to do next? I've lost friends and had to miss certain activities I like as she turns up all the time. The places i like to go are out of bounds as she always turns up.

There is no easy answer. You just have to be more determined that her! Don't give her any energy - ignore her, ignore her, ignore her. Don't let her drive you away from the places you like. Let other people know that she's stalking you so that they can respond by ignoring her as well. It will take time, but essentially you have to act like she does not exist.