I'll try and be as brief as possible but it's quite a long story. I need to know how to handle this situation. My son who is 16 has been very problematic for the past two years. He has been violent and abusive towards me. He has no respect whatsoever for me. He has stolen and damaged my property regularly. I am a lone parent and find it hard to cope financially and emotionally as I have no support from family or from my ex-husband. The damages and thefts were stretching my already stretched budget. He began smoking skunk, a very strong form of Cannabis about two years ago and it is since then that his behavior has worsened. Last year I became depressed for a while and had to take medication. I'm off that now and feeling OK. His behaviour was taking its toll on my health. I am diabetic and stress makes the condition worse. I have underactive thyroid which makes me tired all the time despite my medication being monitored regularly. My cholesterol is high and I have blood pressure. Things got so bad that in August of this year, just two days after his 16th birthday I had to tell him to leave. Since then he has been of no fixed abode. He has relied on the hospitality of his friends and latterly has been living rough in someone's garage. This has not been easy for me either; I'm sure no parent can see their child ruining their lives without feeling anguish. I have hated seeing him dirty and unkempt but I've been tough with him because I wanted him to address his problems with a view to coming back home. Because of the things he did to me and my property I reported him to the police and he ended up in the youth justice system. Although he hasn't done anything criminal lately he has consistently failed to attend appointments with the youth offending service. This organisation were offering him help of every kind; housing, drugs counselling, anger management etc. but he wouldn't engage with them at all. When a breach is committed a court appearance results. At his last court appearance the judge was about to send him to a remand centre but because his elder sister (age 27) had told youth offending that she would take him they adjourned the case and gave him conditional bail. The condition was that he stay at his sisters house until his court appearance in January or until such a time as he found suitable accommodation. This was just one week ago and I was really pleased that he was off the streets and in her care because despite everything that has happened I do still love and care for him. Tonight she phoned me and said that she had spoken to his housing worker who told her that it was unlikely that they could find him accommodation until after Christmas. She said I would have to have him back because it wasn't practical for him to be there as there was no room for him. I said I couldn't and she then told me that if I didn't take him I could forget going for Christmas lunch and that she didn't want me around my granddaughter because of the negative influence I would have on her. I am naturally very, very hurt. If my son had taken steps to address his problems and was respectful to me he would have been welcomed with open arms. He hates me for some reason - probably blames me for his father leaving, although it was his dad who was unfaithful to me. My daughter refuses to acknowledge that I am not well and says I am being a victim. I told her to walk a mile in my shoes then she could judge me but she said I was just feeling sorry for myself. I really don't know what I've done to deserve this from her. She is so cold and unfeeling towards me. Since her daughter was born two years ago I have never refused to babysit or to help out. I don't want her to be eternally grateful I just want her to be understanding and compassionate towards me and to appreciate just how difficult it is to bring up children when you're on your own. How do I resolve this matter? I've tried talking to her but she won't listen. I've tried sending SMS messages but she said I was pathetic and told me not to text again.

This site will help you to create boundries which, when set and adhered to, will allow you some peace of mind.

Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self (http://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm)

Please,take some time and look through it,there are many in here who can add to this.

KBC

Thank you for the link KBC. I will look through the site. I thought I had set boundaries when I asked my son to leave and refused to allow him to abuse me any more. On the odd occasions when he has been home and has started to be disrespectful I have made him leave immediately. I guess there are yet more boundaries I have to set with my daughter? I'm just feeling a little confused and sad at the moment and rather reluctant to try to speak to her again for fear of rejection. Thank you once again. :)

Thank you for the link KBC. I will look through the site. I thought I had set boundaries when I asked my son to leave and refused to allow him to abuse me any more. On the odd occasions when he has been home and has started to be disrespectful I have made him leave immediately. I guess there are yet more boundaries I have to set with my daughter? I'm just feeling a little confused and sad at the moment and rather reluctant to try to speak to her again for fear of rejection. Thank you once again. :)

Tough love is very difficult when dealing with moody disrespectful and irresponsible children.

Both of your children are acting like children(and young ones at that!)

I am sorry about the courts and the living situation problems but,WHO MADE THE BED?who is responsible for their own actions?

He is how old?And she is how old?

Your hard fought parenting is almost done,all you could teach them,as young children, has been completed.

Now they have to face life on life's terms.

We had to,when we left the nest,we didn't have to get into legal troubles,that is choice,he chose to go the route he is on,she(daughter) is trying(might be enabling him too) but can't see her way through this either.

Not sure where this is going so I am going to eat dinner and look back,might change this a little to clarify it some.

KBC

Thanks again. Would welcome a little clarification if you could please. It all gets kind of mixed up in my head and I just don't know what to do for the best. Should I do nothing or should I speak out? If these were people I didn't love and care about it wouldn't be half so hard.

If these were people I didn't love and care about it wouldn't be half so hard.

Yeah,I can understand that!

What is the first thing you think has to be addressed?

EDIT: What is the most upsetting right now,what is your main concern?

In order to help you we need to address a lot of different things,this is a little complicated and if you like,we can all take a little time to help you with these issues.

Yes please, your help is much appreciated! For me right now the most upsetting thing is not being able to see my granddaughter. The problems with my son have become the norm and do not distress me so much now. However, my main concern is to try to get my family back on track and for us all to get along. I guess I want my kids to respect me and it doesn't feel as though they do. My son definitely doesn't respect me otherwise he wouldn't abuse me as he does and my daughter clearly doesn't either or she would not try to punish me by withholding my granddaughter from me. I know she does not approve of the way I have handled the problems with her brother and will not listen to my reasons. She does not understand that because of all the years of stress and strain I have not the strength to cope with him any longer. The stress was not all caused by him incidentally. Over the last 3 years so many things have gone wrong in my life. I have been under threat of losing my job for some time, I split with a partner because he was unfaithful, my brother was dying, my house was falling into disrepair, I had money worries and health concerns. I am not complaining; it's just the way it's been. My daughter simply dismisses all of these things with flippant remarks and seems to think I should be superhuman. Actually come to think of it it seems that they both are trying to punish me for something. Not being paranoid; it just appears that way.

Is the job situation settling down or is it still a situation?

Your personal health has to take first place over all others.(I am diabetic also,I understand the stress and high blood sugar)

After YOUR side of the street is in order,then you can address the kids.

If you are OK with how you are today,the next step is to find a neutral atmosphere to communicate with your daughter.One where she can't just dismiss you or attack you verbally.(hopefully she wouldn't do something like this in public!)

Could you get her to see a councilor with you?

Hi again. The job situation has now settled thankfully. We have been given a reprieve for maybe 1 year.

I am trying to get my blood sugar down and addressing my health issues. One of the ways is trying NOT to get stressed.

No, I doubt my daughter would see a counselor with me as she is in the right (in her eyes). I have volunteered for mediation with my son but as yet he refuses to engage. Also the youth worker isn't pushing anything until my son gets some accommodation. But you have given me an idea. Maybe once his housing issues are sorted he will take part in this and perhaps my daughter may agree to attend as well. I will certainly try to persuade her to do so. Or maybe my son would be able to do it; it could be beneficial for him because he would see her as an ally. Perhaps her being there could give him the courage to attend and face his demons. I think that he blames me for his father leaving and I think she may have some issues over her own father (they have different dads) that she blames me for. She says that her father and step father were simply a waste of space; not that she mentions it often. There were circumstances which I contributed to (foolishly) that caused him to lose touch with her. There is evidently resentment there with both of them. My son is clearly hurting as his dad has all but abandoned him; he has consistently drifted in an out of his life for the last 10 years; sometimes not contacting him for two years at a time. The issues with my daughter have only recently surfaced; prior to the last few weeks we had been getting along fine for the last 4 or 5 years. She is pregnant though so hormones may be playing a part. Oops! I'm looking for someone to blame for all of this aren't I?

I am hoping for some kind of reconciliation before Christmas if possible but it's not looking good. I just don't know whether I should contact her or let her contact me.

I would like to continue this.

I can not ask you to chat off site so we will continue here if you'd like

It is obvouis the girl does not want the problems either and is in a hurry to get rid of him herself.

If he has a government case worker, call them and leave it up to them to find him a place to live,

Hi Fr_Chuck. Thanks for taking the time to reply to me. I can see your point although he doesn't seem to misbehave for her. I think it's that she views him as my responsibility which obviously he is but at the moment I am not strong enough to cope with the way he treats me and therefore cannot take responsibility for his accommodation.

I'd appreciate it thanks KBC. Is there a PM facility on here? Or if you think it may help someone else with a similar dilemma we can keep it public. Just ask away anything you want to know. I need to make some sense of all of this.

Hi again. The job situation has now settled thankfully. We have been given a reprieve for maybe 1 year.

I am trying to get my blood sugar down and addressing my health issues. One of the ways is trying NOT to get stressed.

No, I doubt my daughter would see a counselor with me as she is in the right (in her eyes). I have volunteered for mediation with my son but as yet he refuses to engage. Also the youth worker isn't pushing anything until my son gets some accommodation. But you have given me an idea. Maybe once his housing issues are sorted he will take part in this and perhaps my daughter may agree to attend as well. I will certainly try to persuade her to do so. Or maybe my son would be able to do it; it could be beneficial for him because he would see her as an ally. Perhaps her being there could give him the courage to attend and face his demons. I think that he blames me for his father leaving and I think she may have some issues over her own father (they have different dads) that she blames me for. She says that her father and step father were simply a waste of space; not that she mentions it often. There were circumstances which I contributed to (foolishly) that caused him to lose touch with her. There is evidently resentment there with both of them. My son is clearly hurting as his dad has all but abandoned him; he has consistently drifted in an out of his life for the last 10 years; sometimes not contacting him for two years at a time. The issues with my daughter have only recently surfaced; prior to the last few weeks we had been getting along fine for the last 4 or 5 years. She is pregnant though so hormones may be playing a part. Oops! I'm looking for someone to blame for all of this aren't I?

I am hoping for some kind of reconciliation before Christmas if possible but it's not looking good. I just don't know whether I should contact her or let her contact me.

What would either action achieve?

Not contacting her would bring what result for you?Probably no contact from her and then you'll feel let down.

Contacting her might bring some answers to you,rather than the doubt no contact would.

I'd appreciate it thanks KBC. Is there a PM facility on here? Or if you think it may help someone else with a similar dilemma we can keep it public. Just ask away anything you want to know. I need to make some sense of all of this.

I would be welcome to PM,but it seems you would need to initiate the contact.(I believe this would be politically correct)I will answer your questions in here if Pm'ing isn't correct for the site rules.( I am checking on the rules as we speak)

I sent my daughter a text this morning saying I'd like to see GDaughter. No reply. Son been to visit; starting college Monday and looking at accommodation on Thursday. Seemed in high spirits and no nastiness. At the moment he isn't a problem. I feel very relieved about that but daren't hope too much in case he runs out of motivation again. It's the disappointment that hurts.

Good for you to contact her,now it is up to her to make a decision.It is no longer a doubt for you,whatever the outcome,you have put forth the offer/question.

So what if she doesn't reply? Its almost Christmas. I have all the gifts wrapped for my GDaughter (she's almost 3 years old) and I want her to have them. Also my daughter and her partner. My son says he will be at their house for Christmas lunch. Where does that leave me?

Was the invitation for Christmas or just a greeting?

If it was a Christmas gathering message and she doesn't call,make alternate plans for her and the grand daughter(and her partner)like maybe a day after the holiday is over(I know sounds lame, but how else do you get time with the grand daughter otherwise)

If she continues to ignore this gesture on your part,you might have to accept the worst,at least for this year anyway.

Keeping your chin up and not setting yourself up to be let down,, keeping those boundries set and not breaking in to your daughters will(which seems to be to aggravate you for some reason) is the healthy way to deal with this.

All I said in the text was that I wanted to see my granddaughter; I asked her to let me know where and when. There was no specific time or place. Prior to this blow up I was invited for Christmas lunch but was told last week I couldn't go. Anyway I suppose I must look on the bright side - at least my son will be warm, dry and well fed on Christmas Day. I'm not going to beg to see my beautiful granddaughter no matter how hurt I feel. I wish I could tell my daughter what I think of the way she treats me but I know that even if I do meet up with her she won't let me speak. She just shouts over the top of me whenever I try to say anything she doesn't want to hear.

Killing with kindness helps when backed into a wall.

Complimenting her would throw a monkey wrench into the works(maybe)

Not falling all over her too much,just the subtle kind of nonchalant way like a person who doesn't even know there is stress in the relationship.

Ok, so h ow do I do this when she won't talk to me? I get the feeling that she isn't even reading my text messages either. I telephoned tonight to speak to my son and she didn't say anything just handed the phone to him when I asked if he was there. On reflection maybe I should have said something before I asked for him... I really miss my family - although I'm sure she doesn't even consider me as part of it.

The more you think things like that"although I'm sure she doesn't even consider me as a part of it"The more you are programing your mind that it is true.

The more you say it, the stronger the conviction is.

The stronger the conviction is, the more you believe it and keep doing things to make it a reality.

Make sense?

That goes back to this idea.

Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self (http://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm)

By setting boundries we begin to become more than we were before,we are able to achieve more, because we have more personal belief, more self-esteem,and a greater outlook on life.

A set of personal boundries,ones that are realistic,will establish an unmovable personality,not arrogance,but assertiveness.The ability to achieve what we deserve,without compromising what we stand for.

Please look at that site,make it stick to you like a close friend and set those goals which you want to achieve.Don't accept NO from her about visitation with the grandchild,but do it without stepping on her toes.It is possible if you try.

I acknowledge what you say about programming my mind and I understand what you are saying about the boundaries and assertiveness but I'm not sure how to put the bit about visitation with my Granddaughter into practice without either becoming upset, angry or stepping on her toes. Frankly I feel as though if I approach her I'm going to make things worse by becoming heavy handed or a victim as she puts it! I appreciate your help and advice and I understand that you cannot tell me what to do step by step; this is something I must discover for myself but I really would like a quick fix. I feel I'm missing out on valuable time with my family.

Yes,wouldn't we all like a quick fix... :)

One thought is,acceptance.To be able to accept what we can not change.

In the immediate time,this might not be 'fixable',and you might have to accept that,I am so sorry this might be the truth of your situation.

If she doesn't want to try and be a family like you want her to,this might be a difficult thing to 'fix' in a way you want it.

You have shown me,courage and openness and tried to reason with her as to your wishes.She hasn't been forthcoming with any gratitude towards you and so, this might have to be a years end without the 'ideal' Christmas.

In the coming months you can slowly make the changes which might make the outcome more to your desires,but this winter (it sounds like) is going to be a non possibility for getting together as a family.:( I am very sorry this probably isn't what you would like to hear,I too,am missing a child in my life,and she lives only 20 minutes from me.I haven't heard a peep from her since Thanksgiving day when she canceled her visit for the evening meal(and the entire family was here... 10 in all) :(

Keep working on those boundries and think positively about how to get her to see your needs as not needy or victimizing,just needs as any parent should have for their own family values.

I would like to keep in touch with you,this site is a great way to air your needs as they arise,I'll be on here as my surgery was successful and recovery will take some weeks to complete.

Hope this isn't too heartbreaking,but this is how I see it right now.

KBC

Thank you for your honesty. I was thinking the same myself but trying to put it out of my mind. My daughter also only lives 20m away. I am so sorry to hear that you are experiencing something similar. How are you coping?

I didn't realize you'd had surgery. I hope you are on the way to wellness now. I may write her a letter as a final attempt at communication before Christmas.

Thank you for your honesty. I was thinking the same myself but trying to put it out of my mind. My daughter also only lives 20m away. I am so sorry to hear that you are experiencing something similar. How are you coping?

I didn't realize you'd had surgery. I hope you are on the way to wellness now. I may write her a letter as a final attempt at communication before Christmas.

Coping without contact isn't as hard as the situation you are in,you have contact and that makes it tougher,to be so close but so far.

My girl is just in a funk,she is now pregnant ,without the boyfriend around and feels like she should try to handle it herself(as the entire family might have been on her case for being in this predicament)Yet she feels like isolating herself,even from me.I don't get it,but it is what it is,I am unable to make her do whatever I would like and have accepted it for what it is.

Sorry.I didn't mention the surgery,it was on my knee,outpatient today,only took a few hours and out the door.Now the pain pills I have been on for the past 3 weeks are going to help in recovery instead of just nursing the pain.:)

A letter is a good idea,nothing too serious,just a note or Christmas card saying how much you would like to see them... etc?

I hope you are not too heartbroken with that last post and you can word a letter/card with care and compassion.All you can do is your best,to express your wants and needs openly and honesty.Maybe she will see it as a sign you are progressing and sha might come around to your way of thinking.

One can only hope.

Let me know how it works out.

Ken

No Ken I'm nothing if not resilient! I am just hating the prospect of Christmas alone. I did have a short (and clipped) phone conversation with her this evening but only to ask if I could speak to my son. He was out so I asked a couple of questions about him and that was all. I managed to have a brief word with my granddaughter too so that was nice.

Sue

Yeah,that made me smile,the few words with the g-daughter.You never know,the granddaughter might want to see you around the holidays,she could be that monkey wrench in her moms gearbox!

She's only two years old so I doubt I'll be top of her list of priorities with all the Christmas gifts to open. Tonight she just told me a little girl had hit her at nursery and she cried. I said oh! Sweetheart why did she do that and she said; it wasn't my turn. Then she said bye and put the phone down. Sweet... I'm going to try to write that letter tomorrow and see if that does anything.

My fingers are crossed for you,suzieb.

Maybe something like the Christmas spirit will reach her heart.

Any other ideas yet as to how to reach her?Like flatten her tires and be there when the wrecker shows up... :p

Hilarious Ken! :p Maybe I should pay a visit and gag her until she's heard what I have to say.

Sue

Ah well,, the spirits(pain pills)are in me tonight... :D

I appreciate a bit of humor in any case. Off to bed now it's almost midnight here.

Good night and good luck with the letter!

Hi Suzie, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I really feel for you right now. I can only imagine how hard this kind of situation can be on a person, especially someone with health problems. My prayers to you.

But I just kind of wanted to address something that didn't seem to be in all the other posts. Your question topic was "Is it me or them?" but it's somewhat difficult to actually dictate that because you've only really put your point of view in your posts and no real reason to why your children are behaving the way they are. And obviously people don't just act the way they do for no reason.

I don't know your situation, how it was like with your family when they were growing up or anything like that but this situation sounds almost exactly like one of best friends situation when he was your sons age.

What the problem was between his mother and him were that they were incrediblely different people right off the bat and his mom didn't go about the right way of raising him. She was highly critical of him (though she wasn't really aware of it) and was very negative towards him. He rarely got any positive feedback (which is incrediblely important for children and teens, especially boys) and was basically only told off whenever he did something bad. Because of this he started to lash out, rebel, have anger issues and when his mother would actually give him some positive feedback he would overlook it because the negative ones were so constant it just didn't matter. His father was his sole guardian up until the point where he killed himself when my friend was 6. My friends mother would date and be in relationships with not good men who did not want to be a father figure so he had no one to look up to for assurance of good behavior. My friend is fine now, in college, highly intelligent and has a good future in front of him but that was only because he got his act together when he moved out and was on his own. He rarely see's his mom though because it stresses her out too much. I think I remember him telling me one of their fights gave her an aneurysm.

The point of this is, honestly, everyone I ever met who was self-destructive, rebellious and disrespectful usually had parents who didn't treat them right when they were younger and than when they were older and rebelled the parents (or parent) just yelled and restricted when that really isn't the way to go about it. I'm not a parent so of course I've never gone through this but I have observed many situations like this and heard from the child's side as to why they just didn't care anymore. Like I said before I don't know your situation other that what you've already said so I could be completely wrong but I felt I should tell you this because in a lot of those situations I told you about the parents were never addressed about this. They never seemed to go to the root of the problem to fix it because they honestly didn't know what it actually was. If I am wrong though, please tell me so.

Once again you have my prayers and I wish you all the best. And hopefully you'll be able to see your granddaugher soon!

Ingrid I understand where you are coming from. I've never had much problem with my daughter until now. She was almost a model child. My son on the other hand has been problematic from day one. All this would have been fine and I would have coped had I had the support of my ex-husband who left when son was 4 yrs old. Both my children have been brought up in the same way; praise when good and consequences when not. I have been strict but I think fair. I felt I needed to be this way so as not to become the stereotypical lone parent with wayward kids. Son has been let down so many times by his father and abandoned time and time again. I have really been the only constant in his life up until now; though I still support him emotionally up to a point. He has so much anger towards me and I think it is because he blames me for dad leaving. He will not address this anger by having counseling or anger management because I think he fears he may appear vulnerable or weak if he does. I have a theory that he 'forced' me to abandon him (self-fulfilling prophecy?) In my opinion my daughter is simply trying to punish me for not allowing her brother to come home until he addresses the issues he has with me. I don't think the strong Cannabis he smokes regularly helps at all. I have seen a marked change in him over the last 18 months. Violence, aggression, lack of motivation, lack of self-esteem etc. etc. I'm not looking to blame everyone else or his Cannabis usage for his attitude with me; I'm sure I've upset him in some way - possibly not directly but I know kids can sense resentment and I admit I have resented the fact that I've been left holding the baby (literally)

I am to be allowed to visit my Granddaughter for one hour tomorrow - Christmas Day. Should I be grateful or what? It's like a kick in the teeth. Yes I want to see her but I'm going to hate leaving after one hour.:(