Hello,

Well here's the story. Bare with me.

We are young (please do not use this part as a reason), and we started dating when she was only 15 and I was only 16. We were both VERY mature for our ages, being she had been home schooled most of her life, and I had just matured through my families Entrepreneural lifestyle.

Anyway, we had been dating exclusively for about a year when some major problems between here parents happened. As I don't want to give specifics, I will just conclude that they ended up divorcing, and her mom moved across the states and she went with her.

I was already planning on moving out of my house at 17, as I was ready to become 'a man' if you want to call it that. I felt I was old enough, responsible enough, and eventually became an emancipated youth.

I moved across the states about 3 months later to where she had moved (we had talked on the phone everyday for those 3 months and the absence was very depressing to say the least). We moved in together (she was 16 I was 17) shortly after into my apartment.

We did that for a little over two years, and then recently about 6 months ago we moved back to the original place we had met and started our life there. I said I was from a business minded family, and I had started enough small companies to easily cover our monthly bills. We had planned to get married eventually, and were getting ready to buy a nice big house.

Then it happened. My girlfriend went to visit here Mom and when she got there, she started acting very differently. I could tell something was wrong, and she eventually told me she wanted to try her life out independently, and leave our life, as well as our relationship, behind. She flew back for about two weeks, and then she left again, to start her new 'independent' life.

I was supportive of the entire thing, as I did not want here to stay with me, and then regret not trying indepence a few years down the line when we were even more involved (aka settled) as we already were.

My problem is, it's been almost two months now, and it only seems to be getting worse. I figured it would be a few months, she would probably miss me, and then we'd get back together. But since she's left, she seems to be trying to push me away, and she seems to just keep pushing. I'm not sure how far she wants to push me away, but I almost feel if I let her push me away any further we wouldn't talk for months. She is now saying she doesn't see herself even thinking about being with me again for at least another six months... how can she tell she won't a whole 6 months in advance??

I do honestly love this girl, and I have no desire or even a curiousity to be with anyone else. I am very different than your typical 20 year old as I'm sure you can see from the little you know about me.

Anyway, I love this girl, and I want to be with her. I supported her indepence thing, but I do not want to support it so much that we quit speaking altogether! What should I do? How should I act? How do I get this girl to miss me?? :confused:

I do not have many friends, as I am far beyond where I should be at 20, and I think most of the people I associated with couldn't relate and were slightly envyous. I do not have an activities going on besides my usual one of trying to build more businesses, but that leaves me thinking about my future all day long. So now it's really driving me nuts! My depression level I have been able to hold off so far by improving myself further, but it is starting to catch up fast and I find myself becoming worse and worse drastically by the minutes.

Any advice you can give me would be fantastic. I am lost, confused, hurt, and afraid of what will happen if she does decide she never wants to be with me again. I don't have any support, so you guys are pretty much my last shot.

I appreciate all comments, and I thank you for caring enough to take some time from your day to help me.

-C

I HATE to say it, but I went through something VERY similar. My EX went on a trip, and everything was cool until her mom came to visit her. My EX pulled the whole "I need to see what its like on my own for a while" bit as too. We were together for 5 years when that happened... 2 months after we broke up, she was engaged to someone else, and 5 months later... she married him! I would say cut contact with her NOW! You are a YOUNG guy, and things will only get harder for you if you torture yourself over her. You need to tell yourself "shes not coming back!" if she does... great, but for now don't try and win her back. Let her be, and do some things to make yourself happy for a while. Keep your head up, and LISTEN to what people on here tell you! Things would have been A lot easier for me if I did. This was about a year ago for me, and I am doing just fine! Good luck man, we will ALL try and help you the best we can!

I agree with Jeffatl.
Always prepare yourself for the worst! That way you don't get too hurt!

You two did probably grow up too quick before you had too, from how you explained your story.

You said not to use the being young part as a reason but I'm afraid to say that I could be a lot to do with what is going on. Unfortunately she may feel that she didn't have time to feel what its like to be independent, although you have no urge to find out, everybody is an individual, we are all different and sometimes seek different things in life.

You are only 20, you have a whole life ahead of you, to worry about business's and being all grown up. Enjoy your life!

Time does heal.

Thanks for the feedback Krs.

@jeffatl - Your story makes me feel a whole lot better about my story. For the wrong reasons, but you make my story sound soft and bareable compared to what you had to go through. While I doubt my story will end up even close to yours, I will follow the advice that followed as best as possible.

The problem with your, "I would say cut contact with her NOW" is that I actually have two businesses I developed with her that we both still work on. I am in charge of certain operations, and she is in charge of others. Any suggestions on that one? Hehe

Please keep the advice coming.

@Krs - I am only 20 physically, but I have ranked mentally with that of a 38 year old (seriously... I took some tests). My whole life ahead of me to me is buying the house we were going to get, and taking my girlfriend on lavish and romantic vacations (thanks to WiFi Internet and a Laptop). I do not like to do what others my age do, which would be party and go to clubs. All my friends work and/or go to school, and when they are not they are drinking or partying in some sort of way. It's not me. I would love some suggestions on other ways to enjoy my life from you.

Thanks again everyone.

Its good that you are very mature for your age :) honestly!

But think about this thoroughly, OK, you are now physically aged 20 but mentally aged 38. When you get to the physically age of 38 you will be mentally aged 56. How does that sound? Mmmm, think about it. Life is short ( as I say ) so make the most of it.

Its great that you are planning your future ahead of you and you already have a business to set your life with lavish things, that's superb honestly!

No play - No gain! ;).

Im 27, married. Been married for 2 years, meet my future hubby when I was 19 and he was 22.
We lived the life, went on holidays together, travelled round England, and we did party, we like to party, we still do, we like to spend a lot of quality time alone together but then we love being around friends and drinking together.

Hi, cq,
I am 64, married 29 yrs.
Love comes and goes, in life, as I am sure you know. At 20 yrs old, you did not mention anything about education. You have a High School Diploma?
Any college or thoughts about it?
Things seem to be going great for you now, but for future advancement, and more pay, I do hope you consider more education, if you don't have it already.
Best wishes.

I am only 20 physically, but I have ranked mentally with that of a 38 year old...
Your background and leadership skills might natuarally have given you a controlling and dominant personality. If her mentality level doesn't match your 38 year old one, she's probably feeling smothered. From her perspective - She just got out on her own, away from her parents, only to now move into your house... Maybe she wants her own house and a life beyond what you hand to her?

I would simply let her go and give her time.

You can't wait for her forever, but you also cannot expect her to get all the freedom she needs in her life from just 8 weeks away.

Maybe, just maybe, if your mind is of a 38 year old, you act that way with her. It sounds as though both of you skipped your teenage years of less responsibilities and having some fun. She may be looking for some of that now. A possibility is to ask her on a date and do something out of the ordinary and fun.
You could go on with your life as if she is not in it and see where it leads you, she may come back and she may not. You may not want her back in a few months.
You sound as though you make goals in life and keep them, she may not be able to keep up with you and you will find someone that has the sames drive as you.

Good luck, you seem as though you will do well in anything you decide to do.

@Krs - Well hopefully my 38 year old mentality will stay at 38. 56, although there is nothing wrong with being 56, doesn't sound too interesting to me at the moment. Hehe

@fredg - I do have a High School Diploma. I graduated two years ahead of my class. Regarding college, it is not for me. I was raised to think differently, and I am a firm believer that college teaches you to be an employee, not an individual. I already have more passive income than most college graduates, and with my future ideas, I feel I am very comfortable. I do learn a lot still, just through online learning and business courses I purchase instead of college units.

@phillysteakandcheese - Your name makes me kind of hungry. I think I'll grab some breakfast after I finish responding. :) I have to say I like what you said. You may have a great point in there. I do not think I have a dominant or controlling personality, as always allowed here to make her own decisions, but I did sometimes act like a parent in some rare occasions. She went through a very tough time in her life, and I guess I was trying to look out for her so she didn't have to go through anything more. I will definitely give her time, but what do you mean by 8 weeks? :confused:

@Cassie - Thanks for your response. I did actually talk to her about the possibility of a date, and she did seem like she would be OK with it. Although I do want to give her some more time before I try seeing her again, I will definitely give that a go. The only problem is she is about 600 miles away right now, so I have to plane it to see her. I do think you nailed her mindset perfectly. That seems like what she has been doing exactly. I would love to hear some more insight from your perspective Cassie.

The only problem with my leading my own life for awhile is that like I mentioned in my first post, all I really do now is work on developing business. I have been developing myself, working out, building my income level even further, and developing my style, but since I am at home 99% of the time, all I really do when I'm working is think about US all the time.

Thanks again everyone.

I have always been the very responsible one, tend to work a bit too much, goal oriented, and someone pointed out to me that I needed to relax, have childlike fun sometimes. I have always had a positive attitude and laugh a lot, but to cast aside all responsibilities for a few days was hard. I started working at it and now it comes quite easy. (I don't know how matural it is, but easy) HA

You may talk to her about it, say it is hard for you to "let go" so to speak and what would she like to do. Be honest and ask her to teach you to have fun. It sounds as though you two have had a close relationship. Only you know how close you were and the depth of your relationship. I have 2 friends that went with a guy all through high school, in college they had second thoughts, one went another direction and the other married her high school sweetie and they are very happy and have grown more together. It is hard to know the secrets of the heart. You sound mature enough to know deep inside the answers. They may not come right away, but they will come. If you truly love her, try, but do not waste your life.
Do try to find an outside interest, do you golf? A great social place to meet others. Take care of yourself.

If you love someone set them free...
If they come back then it was meant to be.

Dude she's gone and she probably won't be coming back. Time to move on.

This sounds like a first love but most certainly not your last!

Just think - When you find the right woman you won't have to go through any of this. You will know-she will know you were both meant to be together. You can't blame her or her mom because when you are 20, there is too much of the unknown to commit with your whole heart. That's nobody's fault but time.

Certain experiences have yet to happen even if you are mature for your age. At least now you can apply what you learned and use it towards a future relationship.

This will all make sense ten years from now. You'll say "man was I young", then you will realize most importantly, she was even younger.

cguy,

Want to start by saying I'm sorry for what she is/has done. Its rough, it hurts and you will probably miss her for a while. My girl moved out after 4.5 years, for similar reasons. And like one other reply, she was with someone else within a month. That's my background, now for you I would recommend relaxing. Party, go out, meet people. I disagree completely when you say all you do is stay at home and work. Terrible for you and any relationship with a young girl. At 19-20 (Even until 30) girls want to be entertained, and most would prefer to live happy and poor than rich and boring.

But the old relationship is gone, as is the girl. It is still painful for me to say about my ex, but she is gone and not coming back. Even if there is a chance for us to get back together I try to first accept that she is gone, and not really believe that we can be back together. Hope in situations like these will only hurt you more. You should try to meet someone else and move on, or just work your *** off, whatever your comfortable with. But don't think about her coming back to you, or why she did it, or what you could have done different. None of those things will bring her back or make you feel better. Your 20 dude and no matter how much responsibility you have, you NEED to have fun or you'll die of a stroke at 40 years old.

Please listen to at least some of my advice, when I say my girl left, it was 3 months ago, and I still lay in bed on the edge of hating her and loving her. The only advice I can give is to forget about it for now, and once you run across the right girl (Because she obviously isn't it) you can look back on the memories fondly.

@kylew - I'm not sure but your post seems to come straight out of left field. Did you even read what I wrote or did you skim? First, I never blamed her mom or even her, as I said it was an independent thing she felt she had to do and I agreed. Secondly, when you say find the right woman and she will know we were meant to be together, that could turn the same way this did with a four years laters... scenario. Could it not? I do appreciate your comments and please keep them coming. I do agree I am young, and some of what you say makes sense now and will not take 10 years to realize. :)

@jc105 - "Party, go out, meet people" - Easier said than done. As I said I'm not the party go'er. I think there is no real point in parties, and most of the girls there are as crazy as they come and I wouldn't touch them with a 10 ft. pole. Secondly, I had aksed for advice on how I could "get out and meet people". Maybe you have some decent suggestions?

Thanks.

I'm sure you've taken everyone's advise into consideration. And they all had good advise, so I'll only say this...
A woman is only interested in a man who is sure of himself. So get out there, be confident, make money, and have fun.
I'll bet your ex will start becoming interested again...

JayStone, I like how you think! I was saying in my post how I was trying to transform my life. Noy having to go to work made me quite lazy (I'm not a couch potato or overweight) but I am bigger than I used to be.

I started working out and have already lost some weight and built some muscle in place of it. I've been working harder, and am moving into new areas of business I've always wanted to venture into but hadn't gotten around to. I'm also learning the 'likability' factor as they call it. Not sure if your familiar with it, but there are some famous books by people like Les Giblin and Dale Carnegie that almost all famous business people will stand by and say changed their careers and/or business minds forever.

I figure all those traits added together have to amount to something, right?

Thanks JayStone, you have definitely made my night. :) Appreciate it.

She probably wants fun and excitement in her life. Not on only business and money orientated kind of life.If you are only 20 I'm sure she is roughly the same age. The age to have fun and life the life, do mad - silly things - have a laugh!

You sound like you need to get out more. When me and my girlfriend broke up I did and it really helped a lot. Meet new pepople and try new things, trust me it really does help. I thought that my ex was the one for me too... I'm about your age and looking back I can see that was crazy, there's still so much we both have to do and experience. Stop talking to her it helps, its hard at first but it gets easier. It'll make you think about her less and eventually she'll be out of sight, out of mind. Find other girls but don't rush into anything with them either, take it slow... trust me. Hang in there man it gets better good luck.

All right, some decent suggestions on how to meet people...

Well join sports leagues or go to events (Concerts, sports) Find out what your interested in, other than work, and do it. Then you will meet a girl (Or people in general) that like what you like.

Also if you want to meet girls, just walk up to them and introduce yourself. Everyone says this crap is easier said than done, but to talk to a girl you've never met, regardless of the outcome of the conversation you can only be ahead. I am a relatively good looking guy, nothing too special, but I'll walk up to the hottest girl in the subway/bar/club/mall, and find out there name. It really is easy, and the more you do it the more comfortable you'll feel and trust me, it will work at least once. Rejection from someone you don't know is not particularly painful...

I'm not an expert on relationship by no means, but like you and others, I once suffered a big breakup. You have something going for you that I did not have when I went through mine years back. And that is having a business which can occupy your mind and that keeps you busy. I survived though.You have been given great advice by jeffatl and Krs and especially phillysteakand cheese (you're right, writing that name does make one hungry). But the dominant part does have a lot to do in some relationships. That cause my breakup with my then girlfiend and happy to say my wife now. My approach in getting her back was letters. Not long letters or letters saying I want you back. My first phase were just simple short letters describing her beauty or animations signifying love in general. My second phase, which cost a little cash. But you say you have a business, so it should not be a problem for you, was sending here here favorite flower. I did this for a few months. My final phase was flying to meet her, which was a few hours away. When I did my final phase, I was not sure how she was going to greet me. It was my last straw in which I was going to try to win here back or lose her forever. The meeting was by no means a Hollywood scene, but it was a start of a new relationship in which we both shared what was inside of us. We actually dated for about a year from there on. At first it was a long distant relationship, but after a cuple of months, she moved back to where I was and moved in with her brother. From there on out, I changed my dominant ways and other things that hampered our relationship. From there on if I felt she needed to do something, or I felt she needed some guidance or advice, my approach was "Honey, if you would like me to help you with this or that, let me know". Instead of "you need to do this or this is how you need to do this". If she did not want to I left it alone, but she knew I was there for her. I'm sorry for going on and on, but I just wanted to share my experience with you. I hope everything works out for you.

Best Wishes

BobbyC... love your approach on that... you AVOIDED Pressure!! Which women hate. Just nice notes... no begging, no pleading - you acted cool about things. You probably gave her time to miss you.

You also changed FOR YOURSELF - not her.

Lots to learn here people.

if you love someone set them free.....
if they come back then it was meant to be.

dude she's gone and she probably wont be coming back. Time to move on.

This sounds like a first love but most certainly not your last!!

Just think - When you find the right woman you wont have to go thru any of this. you will know-she will know you were both meant to be together. you can't blame her or her mom because when you are 20, there is too much of the unknown to commit with your whole heart. Thats nobody's fault but time.

Certain experiences have yet to happen even if you are mature for your age. At least now you can apply what you learned and use it towards a future relationship.

This will all make sense ten years from now. You'll say "man was I young", then you will realize most importantly, she was even younger.

Cguy,
You may be a lot more mature at 20 than most but understand your lady love may not be there .yet! Let her go and go about your life with no regrets. Expand your social life and you'll be surprised at the opportunity for fun excitement and new friends. As Wildcat will undoubtedly tell you, BALANCE your life between work and play, and enjoy both, after all your only 20 and there is no reason for you to act 50.:cool: ;)

@Krs - I'm sure your right. We used to do things all the time when our first year and a half together and then it slowed WAYYY down when we started working, building the businesses, and dealing with life in general. When I think back, she did want to do stuff, but for some reason I never picked up on that one.

@lost?? - I appreciate your input but it is impossible for me to cut contact with here. I am a firm believer in "It's not over until it's over", and I feel doing that will pretty much be me waving the white flag giving up any chance I have of patching up the holes. Secondly, she has an equal partnership in two of my companies, and it does require communication almost every day. I have cut down the time we spend on the phone together considerably if that's worth anything.

@jc105 - Thanks for your suggestions. I wasn't aware concerts and sports games were good places to meet people or girls especially. I have been to both before and its usually really loud and crowded. How do you manage to meet people? In regard to your second part, I am not afraid to talk to girls but I do not know if I am ready to try a new relationship yet. I'd like to see what happens in the next two months or so and then take it from there.

@BobbyC - Well hopefully my story will end like yours. She is flying up to see me at the beginning of August so we'll see how that goes. I will definitely try to be less of a Father and more of a Boyfriend in the future if I am given the opportunity to do so.

@Wilcat21 - Yeah I probably need to give her time to miss me. It is hard since I know the time is going by much faster for her than it is to me. To her it probably feels like she just left, while on my side it feels like I haven't seen her in an eternity. That's why I've been asking suggestions on what I should do to occupy myself.

@talaniman - Soneone pointed that out on the first page and I did realize that. I think it is impossible for anyone to seriously go through life without regrets. I honestly think anyone what says that is lying, as there is always something you would have done differently if given the chance. I would love to expand my social life, but wanting to and doing it are two completely different things. I have been asking for suggestions on things I could do to do that, maybe you have some? I do act older than 20, but definitely not 50. Hehe :)

Thanks for your advice everyone. Talking with all of you has really helped. Please keep the comments coming.

Your right about giving it your all cguy. Because you only once. And I'm one who does not like having regrets in life too. I sometimes hear people say, man, I wonder what would have happened if I would have tried this. There are no guarantees in life, but life itself, so live it to it's fullest with no regrets. I do hope your relationship ends like mine. Also, do not think that her time is going much faster than yours. You do not know that for sure. She might just be having the same feelings you are having, but not letting them out because maybe she is looking for that one thing to make it known. I've learn that yes women are the most beautiful creature God made, but they are also one that has very sensitive feeling. Saying things like "I love you" or "you look beuatiful today", means sooo much to them. You mentioned that you are meeting in August. That should tell you that feeling are still there. Just be very careful. I'm sure by now, with all the advice you have received you will practice every word you will say to her when you meet. Just remember, let you heart do your talking and I'm sure every thing will work out. Best of luck!

[QUOTE=cguy]@Krs - I'm sure your right. We used to do things all the time when our first year and a half together and then it slowed WAYYY down when we started working, building the businesses, and dealing with life in general. When I think back, she did want to do stuff, but for some reason I never picked up on that one.


Well there you go you said it yourself.
You USED to do all those fun, exciting things together, and wasn't it fun? Didn't u both enjoy it? Everybody needs some sort of thrill in their life, well I do, otherwise id get totally bored!

You can still deal with life in general and money, work etc, but always find quality time together and forget about money and business etc. Its very important, trust me!

Balance your life between work and personal fun, Dinner and a comedy club does it for me. Double dating with some fun people can be exciting or a get together with another couple for an evening of cards and laughter. Take her to the park with other couples and play volleyball. My wife use to love those Sunday afternoons with our friends at the beach playing volleyball -sigh-anything to include your female and have fun. Woman love it when a man gets them out of the house for a few hours of carefree fun and you benefit too!

The idea isn't necessarily (SP) to meet a girl every time you go out, or even start a new relationship. But assuming that the old girlfriend isn't coming back, you should go out a make friends, girls and guys. You'll meet your new girl, whenever that may happen, when you least expect it. I only suggest doing things like that because they are fun regardless of if you meet people.

Plus if your at all broken up by the fact that your girl left, doing things, anything, will keep your mind off her. Also the more people at big events, the better a chance you have to see something worth talking to.

Good luck

Hi, I am around your age and am in a relationship that started up when I was 17.
What I have to say, may not help you to decide what to do, but I thought you might like to know what is going on inside a girls head.

I have been with him since for about 2 years (give or take)... and I have had my thoughts. Now, from what I read a lot of these girls are leaving and then end up marrying another guy, which makes them girls who felt like they were caged in, but going off with another guy is wrong only after a couple of months, but **** like this happens (sadly).
See when I start thinking about the future. I am wondering if I am missing out on things and at times it seems like my b/f loves me more then I love him. He has ensured me that isn't all true. Now the reason for me thinking all these things is that I am a realist. I think that something is going to happen because in this generation it is very hard to think that everything will end up happily ever after. I wonder because I have never dated before I was with him and I had a crush on him since gr. 10, but he dumped me after 4 days and I went in a downwards spin and ended up making out with 4 guys in the domincan on my vacation (we got back together in march and he later told me he was scared because we were friends for two years). I have been independent from gr.4 and giving into that is hard. The first months went by so fast, because I didn't think I could keep him, because of past history, but finally he told me he would kill himself if I left him. I made him promised if anything happened in the future that he wouldn't kill himself or limit himself. Because as a women, I am still confused about my life. I want to travel. I don't want to settle down. I want to go out dancing without my b/f being jealous I danced with my g/fs instead of him.
Girls, when they want to get tied down, will want to spend a night in with u, instead of going out with the girls.
Anyway, in ways this was me rambling. Mothers don't in my mind have that much say with our love lives. It will be something else they say; their negativity and we go with it. Thinking we don't want to end up like that.
She wants to get away. It may not be that your smothering her. What happened in her life is hard. And she needs to take comfort in someone. What sucks is that once they take comfort in someone and soon to get over it, being with that person may remind them the problems that happened. We are complicated so to say she is thinking that is a leap of some sort, but give her time. See her over a couple of times and don't be needy and grabby when she's around. She needs a man, not a parent or a love puppy boyfriend. If your becoming more sophisticated, go out by walking through a nice part of where you live. You don't have to go clubbing if you don't want to. Going to a café and sitting there for a hour reading may calm you down.

I'm sorry if none of this helps. I just feel bad for you. I wonder about what would happen if me and my boy separated and all I see is that I would be the one to do it, because he will never leave. And I hate that I am contained that way, but there has been a lot of compromise because I have talked to him about this. Maybe just talking after an occasional visits will help you to understand why she really left.

Good luck... just keep what your doing, but take time out of your life to go for a walk or take a book to a restaurant and order a drink or appetizer...

Hello everyone,

I posted a topic here back at the beginning of July, and want to update everyone on what is going on.

If you haven't yet read my topic, I urge you to first look over it here (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/girlfriend-wants-independent-after-4-years-28986.html). It will catch you up, and tons of people left great advice!

Well, since I posted I started doing better, largely in part because of some of the great people I met here, and because I went on a 6 week vacation and saw some family as well. I recently returned home, and have been very productive. I've cleaned up my house (it wasn't dirty, but extremely cluttered). I've also started working on two new businesses, which are due to launch in about a month and should triple my current income. I'm getting ready to start taking private golf lessons here in a few weeks since many of you suggested I do that to find people more 'like me'. I've also been working out too. I didn't think it was possible since I'm not even big, but I've lost over 25 lbs. of body fat, and am gaining muscle day by day.

Anyway, besides all the accomplishments I've been reaching for myself, I have been quite happier because of you guys. So thank you!

But... there is never a story that is PERFECT, right? So here we go. During my vacation I hadn't been calling my girlfriend and had been giving her space like you guys had suggested. It worked, and she started calling me. I didn't call her back for awhile, about two weeks, and when I finally did she told me she still loved me, she regret ever leaving in the first place, and that she missed me. Although my first instinct was to say, "Great! Come back home!", I decided that is was best to tell her to keep doing what she had been doing, as we were both evolving in our lives, and that it wasn't the right time to go back to our old lives. I also had told her it was probably just her emotions talking because she was thinking of me, and that it would probably come to pass, and she swore to me the feelings were real and would never change.

I did this for several reasons. Here are a few;

1. I didn't want her to come back too soon and feel like she didn't get it all out of her system.
2. I was changing and still 'in the process' so to speak, and I was afraid if she came back I would fall into my old style of living.
3. I didn't want to allow her to come back with open arms, because then she might feel like I'll always be there to take her back which could lead to bigger problems.
4. I needed to keep focused on my businesses, etc so that I could by my house, and live a more fullfilling and rich life.

Good reasons, yes... no?

Anyway, her sweetness went on for about a week, about the time I was flying back home, and then it stopped. Looks like I was right, even though I didn't want to be, but it seems the feelings came to pass. She has filled her life with lots of activity, so she does not have time to even think about 'us' (she told me this). Now the problem is she kind of reverse-psychology'd me, and now I find myself missing her, even to the point where the other night right before bed I started balling over it (do not repeat this to too many people :p hehe).

So my new questions are, did I do the right thing? What should I do now that she seems over me again?

I appreciate all your help and I look forward to your opinions.

Thanks again everyone!

-A happier but also depressed, cguy. :(

You did the right thing and since it has made you happier I would stay on course and see what happens. You've come too far to start second guessing yourself and you should look forward. Don't worry I promise not to tell what a big baby you were. (chuckles)

Dude - that's GREAT you turned your life around! Awesome!! Love it!! Way to go!!

Keep doing what you were doing!! It worked in getting her interested again.

I bet a lot of money when you got back - when went BACK to osme of your old habits - STOP THAT!! You're new guy - do other things.


"People want what they can't have" - that's why she came back.

For ever and ever - even in marriage - LESS IS MOORE!! Be mysterious - be busy.

Keep your feelings to yourself - trust me.

Hey Wildcat, can you please explain to how to be mysterious in marriage? I've never been married so obviously I don't have a clue but at some point in dating or marriage don't you begin to know the person your with?

Gladly - going out with your friends. Having hobbies. Not ALWAYS being predictable. Having a SPINE and not always being totally agreeable. Planning FUN things always - suprises. Not letting her always know what's coming next. Having a date night - one time one partner plans something - the next the other plans. Always changing things I nthe love making department. Little notes. Not alwaysgiivng her flowers, but doing it sometimes - just because and without reason. Unexpected presents - keep this limited.

I can go on.

You are security and she wants (right now) excitement, when it passes she will come back because she will miss the security blanket she knows you inside and out and knows you will never hurt her but the question is when she wants to come back are you going to let her? Girls go through this
"party" phase in there life where all they want is a crap load of experience.. they like the whole single life where you get a million and two guys to give you attention.. Most girls go through this phase in there early 20 and usually it doesn't last very long...

If this was my life I would send her packing and never look back.. when your independent for too long you change and sometimes it is a good change but sometimes it is not.. so if you liked how she was before you might not like who she becomes.. and when she is willing to come back and you still want to give it a chance then that's OK too, you never know maybe you will like everything better.. does that make any sense what so ever?

I agree with Presleygall has to say a lot. I've seen this in women in their 40' do this - they reach 40 and realize they NEVER had their wild girl stage - divorce and go nuts.

cguy,

Reckon you have done so good. You have shown great maturity and strength of character. You should be PROUD of yuorself.

And you have shown a lot of traits here that will make you so attractive to women and I'm sure you will be a great catch for some top girl.

So keep the good attitude and keep moving forward. You regained so much power by your actions. Well done. Keep moving forward though! Don't look back now!

Start those businesses, keep working out, and get that golf handicap down as low as possible.

I want to hear about single figures this time next year!

You did the right thing. Evidently her calling you got you to thinking about her again. Let it pass. The next time she calls, don't answer right away. Call her back later when it's convenient for you, if you decide to call her back at all. You want to keep the power here ; you don't want to surrender any of it to her. By letting yourself get upset after talking to her that's what you're doing ; giving your power away. Continue living your life just like you've been doing.

I agree with Presleygall has to say a lot. I've seen this in women in their 40' do this - they reach 40 and realize they NEVER had their wild girl stage - divorce and go nuts.

First thanks for your first response to my question. When and if I get into another relationship I'm going to be on here all the time asking for a walkthrough. How I've managed to have relationships in the past I don't know, but I see why they've failed.

Second, your right many woman do have their wild stage in later life and I've always noticed it's the ladies who have always gone from one boyfriend to the next because they were afraid to be alone.

Third, Cguy Thank you for posting a follow up, and a successful one at that. You read all these original posts and then the person seeking help nevr returns. It always makes me wonder what happened or if they didn't like the truth that the other posters gave them. Follow ups help the rest of us see the through the end and let us know that the advice worked. Cguy, best of luck in the future.

Or - like in my case with a gal - she was in a 6 year relationship from 20to 26 - then married immediately after to a man she never really loved for 15 years - just had to get married - SEEMED like a good guy - maybe fall in love later - all her friends were married. And now - in her 40's - going through her wild girl stage. Doing stuff she never did in her early 20's.

@talaniman - Thanks for the words of encouragement. When you say, "Stay on course", what course would that be exactly?

@Wildcat21 - You said people want what they can't have, and that's why she was interested again. The problem is, she has since lost that interest without me giving her what she wanted. How do I get that interest back?

@Presleygall85 - I kind of said what you said in my first post about her wanting to do her own thing. I would like to eventually get back together with her, but like I said before, I told her not to come back already once because I knew she wasn't ready. I want her to complete the experience she is having, so it will not come back to haunt us in the future.

@Skell - Thanks for the words of encouragement as well. My life is really taking a turn for the better. I will do my best to become the next Tiger Woods (lol). You say I'd make "a great catch for some top girl", but the problem is where to meet these girls. Clubs, Bars and Parties are not where I want to meet girls. I have been there, and most of those girls are not looking for anything more than a 'night' if you know what I mean. The funny thing is most girls I would say are looking for the long term thing, but now that I'm available (I guess you could say), I don't know where they're hiding. :p But yeah, I'd prefer I get my old one back, but need to know how to get her wanting again.

@s_cianci - Thanks for the advice. I did let it pass. I stopped calling her for about a week, although I had to call her earlier today to get some information from her (it was important, I needed it that day, and there was no other way to get it). I kept the conversation short though and didn't say anything I didn't have to.

@chuff - Thanks for the appreciation... funny I didn't realize there was anything on here I would be thanked for yet. Hehe - Just goes to show there are still some genuinely good people still out there, 90% of them probably being on this board. :D

Thanks all for the feedback. I really do appreciate all the opinions. I would love to hear more, especially about suggestions on other things I might be able to do to pass the time, how I can get her interested again like last time, etc. I do not want to get her interested to take her back, this just went much smoother when I finally had the upper-hand.

Anyway, please do keep the opinions and suggestions coming. I read every one, and all suggestions, big or small, help tremendously.

Thanks again!

"@Wildcat21 - You said people want what they can't have, and thats why she was interested again. The problem is, she has since lost that interest without me giving her what she wanted. How do I get that interest back?"

Work on yourself - be busy - WORKOUT!! WORKOUT!! - be aloof - be mysterious - don't go running to answer her calls right away - don't return them right away - don't return e-mails right away. BE UNPREDICTABLE - don't be boring. Smile, be a great guy. Plands things a head. Be interesting - do fun hobbies.

Be busy - don't call her for a while.

@talaniman - Thanks for the words of encouragement. When you say, "Stay on course", what course would that be exactly

Keep your priorities straight and do the things you have identified for you and your business to be a success. Things have a way of working out and we sometimes loose patients and force actions that are not in our interest and really screw things up. Keep working and be patient.

Wow, great thread, and even more awesome is the fact that you have been true to yourself and accomplished so much in so little time. So many guys would still be going back and forth, falling for the bait that these women put out to reel them back, only to be tossed out again after a short time.

Stay focused but don't forget to have fun. You had a great thing once with this gal but it seems like she's struggling to focus on what she wants, or maybe she doesn't want to focus but float around for a bit. Either way, that's not what you want, you aren't on the same page anymore. You did the right thing in not responding to her plea, keep listening to your inner hunch, it's your brain talking and not your heart. Our feelings tend to get us confused and into hot water sometimes.

You also need to stop referring to her as your girlfriend, she's not anymore. Mentally, that may also be holding you back without you realizing it.

You have so much to offer, not just potential dates, but friends. You need more of those. Bars and clubs are definitely not the best place to meet them but you don't have to avoid them altogether, just go to higher scale ones. Get further into your golf, there are lots of people there. Go to business seminars, you may meet someone with the same entrepreneurial background and desires as you. Jog in the park, go to the mall, sit down at a bookstore and read and look around, there are people everywhere. You see, by making more friends and acquaintances, they may have more friends and acquiantances and your circle, or sphere of influence will expand. Introductions take place and bam, there you go. I would also go as far as putting yourself out there on a reputable online dating service. What could it hurt?

I did read through your past post and I think the steps you have taken are amazing and that could have only been accomplished by a mature, well put together individual, that's who you are, remember that in your moments of weakness and temptations to call her.

There's nothing wrong with a little waterworks going off in the eyeballs, I've done it once or twice myself, it's human nature, but now Talaniman will only use it to blackmail you and that's a shame!!

Wow mom. Well said again as usual. Had to spread it though!

There's nothing wrong with a little waterworks going off in the eyeballs, I've done it once or twice myself, it's human nature, but now Talaniman will only use it to blackmail you and that's a shame!!

Lol, Be successful so I can tell the world what a big baby you really are. He HEHE!!

@chuff - Thanks for the appreciation... funny I didn't realize there was anything on here I would be thanked for yet. Hehe - Just goes to show there are still some genuinely good people still out there, 90% of them probably being on this board.

Cguy, since I've been coming to this board I've been trying to change myself and figure out where some of my deep, deep beliefs come from. For 30 years I've done things that I thought were the right things to do characteristics to have. Just recently, I've realized how wrong I've been. The problem is trying to change. Some of the traits are so far buried in my personality that it seems impossible to change.

To read your original post and then this update is not only encouraging for me, and I hope others as well but dare I say I believe that it also helps you because I believe that you can look back and see where you were, and how far you've come.

I think your right that are really good people out there but they are not around us (or me at least) in everyday life. Coming here you can really find the best in people and seek out unbiased and good natured help.

Once again, thank you Cguy I appreciate the update and it gives me hope that I can reach the levels you have.

@talaniman - Yeah, patience is a hard thing to keep. It's getting closer to the Holidays, and I have a good feeling I'll be spending them without a companion this year. That'll really stink, and I'm sure its going to hit hard around Christmas time. I'm better in a pair, independence is not for me... lol. But I'm trying.

@momincali - Thanks for the great advice. I will probably start going to more business seminars. I had already planned on jogging publicly (instead of my treadmill) but want to build a little more stamina first. I appreciate the comment on my mentality so far, I'm trying as hard as I can!

@chuff - You are right. It probably does help me. I have read my posts over a few times each, and they do give me a sense of acknowledgement that I have been trying, as well as a an extra burst of motivation to keep pushing forward. I will keep updating the board, not just for you, but for me, and for anyone who may go through something similar in the future. I hope they will read everyone's input and change they're life as well. I just hope my threads end with a happy ending... ;)

Thanks Guys (and Gals)!

You should be comfortable enough with who you are to be able to cope with spending the holidays by yourself.

You'll be fine. I'm sure oyu have heaps of other friends to hang with as well. Doesn't necessarily have to be a women!

Skell, I may have misinterpreted what you wrote, but how does me being comfortable with who I am help me cope with being along during the Holdays? In all honesty, during this alone time I have had, I have been trying to discover 'who I am'. I have only just begun this process because for the past four years of my life, I dedicated my life to how I wanted 'us' to be (my Ex and I). I was trying to create a fulfilling life for 'us, not 'me'. Also, as I have put in many of my previous posts, I do not have heaps of friends. I have a hard time relating with people because of my actual age compared to how old I really act, as well as what I have already accomplished in my life compared to what others my age have accomplished. When you cannot relate with someone, it is hard to draw up a common ground you can use to build a friendship. That is why I have so many posts asking or responding to peoples' suggestions on things I could do to meet more people like me.

Cguy-I think what Skell meant was that knowing yourself will be key to finding others like you , who share common interests and hobbies etc. The best way to meet knew people is to pursue the things I like to do. I understand after a lot of US time we forget what ME time is, so getting back in touch with yourself is essential. I also find holidays are a good time to volunteer at places that need extra help like hospitals soup kitchens or community groups in your area or church functions. Not only will giving of yourself be rewarding, but you'll meet new and interesting people, and actually be helpful also. Takes time and patience, and a positive attitude.