I am 35, an educated individual and have had a string of relationships both serious and casual myself. I have fallen deeply in love a women that has had an extremey promiscuous past. I have always known about about the many sexual relationships she's had and never got into too many details and was not very preturbed about it. By her own admittance, in a recent fight, she admitted having arrays of orgies where she was either the only women with four or five guys or with another woman with the same nomber of guys. She's done everything that one sees on porn or hears about in fanatsy stories. And it was not just once or twice experimenting... it went on for years almost every week.The details are sordid when its some one you love... anal sex, multiple oral sex activities... well if you can imagine it she's done it.
In my mind, I've reserved those act for prostitutes and paid porn stars... I can't seem to get around the fact that she was a whore. This hurts me deeply. I cannot seem to reconcile the deep love with the deep sense of disgust. Its amlost as though she did it now. I wonder if she told me when I wasn't that involved. I would have kept her at a distance or accepted it as I did everything else, and gotten over it. I've told her that it has to end.. but we work closely together which complicates things significantly. A clean break is difficult and heart wrenching.
How should I deal with all this?

Sounds like you are living a soap opera. The fact that you are working together certainly complicates matters.

You obviously have been considering calling off your relationship or you would not have written here. Her past situation will always be foremost in your mind. And have you considered STDs that could be maiming you now as well.

Either one of you has to leave your working environment. But which one? I guess it comes right down to who is the most necessary to your employer.

Yes I've been considering ending it... Am I being unreasonable?
Apart part of me now regrets even getting into it. She's has always had little lies to hide items of her past.
She had been an abused child with her stepfather who started raping at 13. She then fell in love with and initiated much of the sexual activity. It was a full blown relationship afterthat.
I always understood the psychology around and supported her by never making here feel unwanted. Even till now it never comes up as a "fault" of hers. On the contrary I always support by saying she had no control then and it was a coping mechanism. However secretly it plays on my mind since she still loves him and he is still invovled in her life.

The issues of orgies... was in her control... and by her own admission she enjoyed every minitue of it and secretly wished for some of the pleasure although she could never betray me that way... says. How do you compete with that? Previous to this we enjoyed full sex lives... now I wonder whether it was one sided? I am losing my lust for her. Never happen even when she told me about the other partners and stepdad. Is the correct way forward to end this? I ask this as my mind may be clouded with emotion and I may be making decisions out of anger and pain instead of proper well thought decisions.

I totally understand where your coming from. You are with a woman who does not share the same norms and values as you do and this makes you wonder what else she is capable of.

I believe that partners who are different are more interesting for a long term relationship as there is more learning and growth involved for both individuals. Unfortunately when it comes to such deep rooted issues as values with respect to sex and intimacy, I find that its better that these core values of a human being match or differ only slightly. Your core values which you have lived by your whole life are not something that you can change overnight, if at all.

Its also hard that she apparently enjoys something which you can never give her... u can't split yourself into 5 persons, so eventually she might find her sexlife boring with all the consequences.

If you should end it is up to you, do you think you can live with someone who apparently has a different take on intimacy and sex?

Also I wonder if the rape and orgies are not connected in a psychological sense, and if so what is the relationship? Is there still damage/unprocessed feelings?

Hi, marine, I think time out is in order to clear your mind, get your bearings and re-assess your situation. And just those three are enough for the moment. Also possibly she can do with a time out as well.

You two should not be seeing each other for a while.

Hello,

I haven't read all the posts so please forgive me if I repeat anything.

Honestly, she doesn't have to divulge anything about her past to you if she doesn't want to.. it is truly none of your business.

She chose to open up to you and tell you those things.. whether you were fighting, she told you something very personal.

I think that is VERY HARSH to call her a whore.. it's such a double standard with you men, If a man told his girlfriend that, she probably wouldn't bat and eye at it because "well he's a man" right? So then why isn't it OK for a woman to do it?

You need to be living in the present man. Didn't your mom teach you to not judge people? That girl doesn't owe you a damn thing and if you dump her for this it's YOUR MAJOR LOSS!!!!

GOod luck

If you can't handle it, have the courtesy to leave. Realize this is your problem not hers. Don't do anything to make it her problem, other than set her free to find her own happiness.

It boils down to she has a totally different lifestyle than you and from what you said--I've told her that it has to end.. I take it she STILL lives this lifestyle so I say all you can do is an ultimatum--either it ends as you've told her OR you drop the relationship NOW.
If you continue with her KNOWING she most likely will not stop then you are no better than any of the other guys she is messing around with because by her continuing with the other guys it is saying YOU are no more meaningful to her than they are no matter what she says to you her actions speak louder!
So leave her.
IF you had said this is her PAST and she no longer does these things then I would tell you if you both love each other and she has changed her lifestyle FOR YOU then get over it.
But with the I've told her that it has to end.. I take it otherwise. THIS IS her present not her past

At least she was honest and up front about her unpretty past and most people wouldn't have been so honest. So she deserves credit for that and I sure it wasn't easy telling you those things without being judge.

What is done in the past is done and she let all her skeltons out the closet. If you can't handle it or accept it then do both of you a favor and split. There's no need to drag this on but know she didn't pretend to be something she wasn't. Move on and find someone more suitable for yourself.

If, as you profess ,you are deeply in love than you either need to accept her as they say*warts and all * or move on if you can't.

Many women who are promiscuous have very low self-esteem.

Many have been sexually ,physically or verbally abused as children.Many have had no male role model or a poor one.

I think she showed a lot of respect for you and your relationship by being up front about her past.She did not have to do that.She stood to gain nothing .

If you think she is the same person today that I would say walk away. But if you love her than you need to understand her motivations for her past behavior.

Is there a part of you that feels you can never live up to her high sexual maintenance?

Do you feel perhaps that you can never *outdo* what she has experienced? That you will never be enough for her?


All questions you should ask before cutting your ties,especially if you are deeply in love.


We all have skeletons in the closet and we all have done things we are not proud of .

Some people can truly forgive but if you can't and are going to crucify her for her past then perhaps you should move on.

I was the promiscuos girl, since the age of 14. I did a lot of things I'm not proud of, and yes, my husband knows all about my past.

He loved me enough to let the past go, after all, it's the past. I didn't know him then, he didn't know me. I had issues and I acted out, it's life, it happens, to all of us.

You can't honestly say you don't have a past. So, if she's supposed to look beyond yours, why aren't you supposed to look beyond hers.

Is it because she's more experienced then you? Is it really because you think she's a "whore" or is it because you're a bit jealous?

Either way, it's in the past, not the present. Either get over it and yourself or let her go. She doesn't deserve to be judged by something that happened before she knew you.

OK,I see this in the males perspective,correct me if I am wrong.

You are wondering about the odd feelings growing in your gut?

The feelings of,Should I be excited about this,could this be a new beginning for her(and me),does this make me a hypocrite for thinking this is a good thing,since my values are so different from this?Can this become a real good thing,or should I leave and stand for what I am?

If I am off here,let me know.

It has been like this for me in the past also.I have had these feelings and wondered what I was supposed to do,the overwhelming conflicting emotions were... astounding... for a lack of better wording.

I made the decision to stay in the relationship,letting the past be the past,it took time(and kicking myself over and over for compromising my principals)to accept her totally.It lasted 10 years,2 kids.

In the end,I did regret doing what I did.

I ask you this:What does your gut instinct tell you is the right thing to do here?What is your next step?This decision has to be yours and yours alone.all the admonishments anyone can give you for acting the way you have don't mean diddly squat.You have to live with the decision,we don't.

Is the rest of your relationship going to be happy and acceptable to you if this is a major issue for you?

I am a willing listener and I really hope this made sense to you.

KBC

Yes I've been considering ending it....Am I being unreasonable?
Apart part of me now regrets even getting into it. She's has always had little lies to hide items of her past.
She had been an abused child with her stepfather who started raping at 13. She then fell in love with and initiated much of the sexual activity. It was a full blown relationship afterthat.
I always understood the psycology around and supported her by never making here feel unwanted. Even till now it never comes up as a "fault" of hers. On the contrary I always support by saying she had no control then and it was a coping mechanism. However secretly it plays on my mind since she still loves him and he is still invovled in her life.

The issues of orgies...was in her control...and by her own admission she enjoyed every minitue of it and secretly wished for some of the pleasure although she could never betray me that way...says. How do you compete with that? Previous to this we enjoyed full sex lives...now I wonder whether it was one sided? I am losing my lust for her. Never happen even when she told me about the other partners and stepdad. Is the correct way forward to end this? I ask this as my mind may be clouded with emotion and I may be making decisions out of anger and pain instead of proper well thought decisions.



I think the heart of the issue is in these words by the OP: "How do you compete with that?"

I think once sex becomes a competitive event, everyone loses.

KBC you are almost on the button... but Im not really excited about it at all. Its certainly conflicting feelings of different values, her future capabilites.
And yes the ladies maybe probably right.. this has made me insecure, not because I'm jealous in any way... far from it... but the image I had of her has been shattered. If it was an issue of jealousy it would started when we met.
As I said in my first post, I've no trouble with the issues of her promiscuity all this time. Things like gangbangs and orgies every week for years... Thats not just promiscuous... thats...

DeleteAnBan summed it up right... she enjoys something I can never give her.

KBS I hear your thoughts on standing by your values and principles. That's the real struggle standing by those and my love for her.

KBC[/QUOTE] Why did you regret may I ask! If she did it again or lost interest.. that is exactly what Im afraid of.

I just seen her post... find you to objective and unbias on both sides

Thank you

KBC you are almost on the button....but Im not realy excited about it at all. Its certainly conflicting feelings of different values, her future capabilites.
And yes the ladies maybe probably right ..this has made me insecure, not because I'm jealous in any way...far from it....but the image I had of her has been shattered. If it was an issue of jealousy it would started when we met.
As I said in my first post, I've no trouble with the issues of her promiscuity all this time. Things like gangbangs and orgies every week for years....Thats not just promiscuous...thats.....

DeleteAnBan summed it up right....she enjoys something I can never give her.

KBS I hear your thoughts on standing by your values and principles. Thats the real struggle standing by those and my love for her.


I'm not sure you're being honest with yourself. You didn't say insecure, jealous, she enjoys something you can't give her. You said: "How do you compete with that?""

You believe that gang bangs and orgies are not promiscuous, they're... Your image of her has been shattered.

You may very well be doing her a favor in the long run if you walk away now. If you can't get those imagines out of your head, if you feel she was beyond promiscuous (whatever that category may be), I'm not so sure you won't express these feelings some time down the road during an argument, when you are angry, when you are insecure.

When people are willing to "forgive" other people for their pasts they really aren't doing anyone a favor. I don't know that it's up to you to forgive her and if you can't overlook her past, well - as I said, walk away now and do her a favor.

I agree with JKT regarding your voicing an opinion during an argument somewhere 'down the road'. Then you will say something you will regret later, it will hurt her and then, what next ? Sorry but you have already heard too much and it sticks.

So, I say, leave well enough alone, move on because this is going to hurt both parties too much to bear.

Sad it seems she is trying to change and leave her past behind, And she is not judging your sex with others for casual events.

So what if she was even a hooker, would that make a difference if she were to change and leave that behind for you.

I would say you have a serious problem yourself, she does not have the problem. If you can not move past this do her the favor and let her find someone that can love her for who she is.

KBC Why did you regret may I ask! If she did it again or lost interest.. that is exactly what Im afraid of.



I just seen her post... find you to objective and unbias on both sides




KBS I hear your thoughts on standing by your values and principles. That's the real struggle standing by those and my love for her.



This is my exact point,this is my regret.



I compromised my values and attempted to be different than what I stand for so I could fit(adapt) into a life with someone. I later found I couldn't be with her.



I would explain further but it gets personal and I can't air the dirty laundry in this public forum.

KBC

*Note, Had trouble transferring the 2 posts,had to combine them,sorry for any confusion.

I agree with chuck, so what if she was beyond promiscuous? It seems as if she wants to settle down and have a real relationship. If you love her deeply what happened to love being unconditional? I'm a sadist and I'm sure many men wouldn't be able to handle that. But my husband and I were willing to make compromises in the name of love. I also was 'promiscuous' in the past-meaning I had sex with more people than my husband (and he is older than me). But his view is that since HE is the one I chose to be with (and only him) that all of my former partners don't even matter. Once we committed to each other the past was wiped clean. Maybe you are being a little too judgemental because you have different views on sex than she does. I'm a pagan, my husband is a christian- we agree to disagree and we don't try to change each others mind. Yet we still compromise, I attend church with him and he agreed to marry me on Halloween. If you can't agree to disagree on your views, if you can't accept her for who she is and was then stop seeing her. She must have trusted you and she must have thought the relationship was strong enough for her to be honest about her past. You failed the test. So let her go, so she can find someone who accepts her fully- so she can be happy.

I wonder if anything got settled with this man and his girlfriend?

I'm not going to lie to you... that's some serious business. But the past is the past and people do all sorts of crazy stuff that can sometimes shape them into an amazing person for the future.

I would be PISSED if someone I cared wanted to break-up with me based on what I've done in the past.

How can you call your partner a "whore"? That's one of the worst things you can say about someone you care about.

I think this has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you. This is YOUR problem to get past - not hers.

I wonder if anything got settled with this man and his gf?

Yeah me too!

An update: We're still seeing each other... I've decided to still see her... but not as serious as we were... I still think about the stuff every day (but don't mention it to her)... I'm trying to keep it less intense(casual) and see where it goes from there... And yes maybe in anger I should not have called here a whore. That was wrong! Although I was thinking it... it should never have come out... I still feel the emotions I felt before but I just try and hide it best I can...

I think 2 things may happen out of this:1) We'll drift apart and the break up will be easier OR 2) I'll get past this if she doesn't feed my suspicions(but this I doubt)
I was starting to loose control of myself previously... I feel stronger now. I am able to stay away from her(not easily but nevertheless). I also find her able to pull away , although she'll never admit it cos she thinks admitting it will admit to me that she is giving up.
So ultimately we keeping it casual.

Just a comment to the sceptics and feminists I was never looking for a virgin, but never imagined myself living with some one with her past... I never thought of it before, but maybe my values and principles that have guided me my whole life are stronger than any love. Maybe its how it all came out... Unlies a cloak of lies and that was uncovered.

I keep thinking of KBCs comments and regrets and thinking that I'm not learning but making the same mistake.

I also realise that she still tells little lies which I let go because if I want to keep it casual I shouldn't get too involved in those sort of things.
Maybe she doesn't want to create more problems bytelling the truth... but I wonder where that leaves the trust... so I guess casual is right for now.

Getting raped repeatedly will screw up you brain I would imagine, clearly messing up the rest of your life. Its likely the Obscene sex habits are the results of her childhood.

This comes down to what you want.

- Do you want to stay with her ?
Because you can get past it so its nothing more than a bad memory you think of from time to time.

I realise a big part of the obscene sex life was part of a terrible childhood sexual relationship with her stepfather. This behaviour has carried on into her later years even until we met to some degree.

And you right it boils down to what I want to do. I know what I should do... but doing it is tough. Either way it will be tough.

My concern about about getting past it is when will that person resurface... the person that has high need forsexual excitement... greater than that of love and loyalty... when will she get bored of us like she has done with everyone of the other loves in her life and start sleeping with others?
She says it will never happen... but I'm mature enough to know when the novelty dies off she will look for excitement. My feeling are why should I wait for this to happen?

She has been with someone(that she loved dearly) for 10 years and during that time slept with other people up to and including the time when we met.

Casual is a safer bet and when it does happen will hopefully not be so painful

*Quote:My feeling are why should I wait for this to happen?

She has been with someone(that she loved dearly) for 10 years and during that time slept with other people up to and including the time when we met.

You didn't include this in the original post, not to my knowledge anyway.
It seems to me that the true issue isent you being digusted over her actions, but the fear of her doing something like that again with other men while being engaged in a relation ship with you.

That also changes the issue you are having a great deal assuming I'm right.
If I am -
Then again its comes down to if you trust her enough.

You obviously care for her otherwise you wouldent seek guidance/counsil from askmehelpdesk.

Not knowing exactly how strong you feel for her I can tell you this.
Don't let fear stand in your way. It's a horrid emotion that serves no positive solution in my experience. You could also ask her to see a psychiatrist - if she agree's that would be a large step in the right direction to put your mind at ease, and healing hers.

But if you choose to end the relationship - point out your fear that you strong enough to handle such emotions that might come out of this relationship, should it turn bad.
Then I would suspect a sad break-up, but not an angry one.

On a final note I would never date one while knowing she cheated on her partners, because who's to say she wouldent do it to me also. But seeing as she might be mentally ill, and there's a chance its not in her nature do so.

Hay Marine,
Having followed this thread and your newer posts I think it is important for this woman to get some counseling.

If she feels compelled to cheat while in a long term relationship(10 yr.is a long time)then she is still falling into the same traps to heighten her self esteem.There may also be avoidance of intimacy issues. It sounds as if she has some very complicated issues to work out!

This behavior may never change unless she is willing to accept it and understand it.She really could benefit from counseling.

The ramifications of early sexual abuse are very far reaching and it appears she is still suffering the trauma of her abuse.

Best of luck!