I am adopted and I was just wondering if anyone new a faster and more discreet method of finding birth parents other than having to go to court and have the papers opened. I have tried going to various websites to try to find them but I have a huge problem. I don’t know my birth parents names and to make matters worse my adoptive parents loath the idea of me searching for my biological parents. My adoptive mom freaks out when I even mention it even though I have told her over and over again that I won’t love her any less if I find my birth mom. The only thing I know about my birth mom is that she was 14 when she had me. So honestly I’m stumped right now but I would greatly appreciate any suggestions.

If your adoptive parents won't give you information, then it's unlikely that you will find them.

Closed adoptions are NOT opened by the courts very often, and when they are, it's usually for a medical emergency.

You can try leaving letters with the adoption agency used, and at the courthouse in the county you were born, with your birth certificate, but there is no guarantee that either will work.

You may need to accept the fact that your biological parents may not WANT to be found, as well.

Honestly---what I suggest right now is seeing a counselor who specializes in adoption and working with the counselor to help your adoptive parents (and you!) recognize what exactly it is you are looking for, and how that will NOT affect your relationship with them.

This is all assuming that you are of legal age to be searching, of course.

I've tried to get my adoptive parents to go to a counselor although it wasn't for the specific reason you mentioned. They won't even think of going. My adoptive mother believes that the counselor would not listen too her at all, even though I have explained that it is a counselor’s job to listen and be unbiased. I am old enough to search for my biological parents. I don't intend to intrude on there lives I just want to know my medical history and what my heritage consists of. I don't understand how any human being could be so heartless as to not at least be curious about how their child turned out. It's not like I'm a witless brat I am Intelligent and rather stubborn however I mean no harm to anyone. I guess what truly gives me hope is that a close friend of mine got to meet her birth mother and they became friends, she even went to my friends graduation last year. There are so many things I would like to know; If I have siblings or half siblings If I look like her, If she is doing well. I just wish I knew. :(

Well I would gather all the clues you can between now and your 18th birthday.

These may include but are not limited to:

1) The city you were born
2) The hospital you were born
3) The heritage of your birth mother
4) The exact time of your birth
5) Did your mother have brothers and sisters, etc.
6) Birth Certificate

This information can be used by you when you are an adult to find your mother. Until then if your adoptive parents do not like the idea then you will have little chance of finding them.

Be patient, you may find as an adult you may have an increased desire or diminished desire to find her. Things change you may want to wait till you are more mature and understand the consequences for not only you, but your adoptive parents and your biological mother if you choose to find your birth mother.

By the way, I am adopted and have found my birth mother and father as an adult.

Thank you I know A few of those already and I am going to wait until I'm 18. Which will be in about 2 months. How long I wait depends on how everything works out. Right now I'm just gathering information and hoping for the best. I'm happy that you were able to find your birth Mom.

Thank you I know A few of those already and I am going to wait until I'm 18. Which will be in about 2 months. How long I wait depends on how everything works out. Right now I'm just gathering information and hoping for the best. I'm happy that you were able to find your birth Mom.

I had the advantage of living in Canada and was able to obtain (after a 5 year wait) non-identifying information; but with that information there were enough clues that I was able to piece together information that led me to finding my birth mom, and my birth father.

How can it be considered "heartless" to have given your child a better life than you could give them at the time?

How is it "heartless" to have done your mourning and moved on with your life?

While as a birthmother I hope my child decides to contact me at 18, there's no way I would consider myself "heartless" for not putting forth the effort to make that contact. Of course, my situation is a bit different in that I'm in a semi-open adoption--I exchange letters with her adoptive parents every year, and so I know how she's doing and that she's happy.

However, I do know a birthmother in a closed adoption, and in her case everything was hushed up, and kept secret. She has no desire to stir up her life, and to have to tell her husband and children about something she's put behind her.

Remember--she has a life and hopes and fears and hurts and such as well, and probably DOES wonder about you occasionally. However, she may not want to have her life stirred up by having you re-enter it. That's not "heartless". That's moving on with your life after a lot of trauma.

Again, once you are 18, you have a lot more access to what you can do to search. Until then, you will need to be content with the information you have received from your adoptive parents.

I didn't mean you were heartless I mean It is heartless for a birth parent to reject the child if the child does manage to find them. I just think that if they don't want to upset there lives why not introduce the child as a friend of something or a niece or nephew. I actually read an article where a man's biological son found him and he introduced him as his children’s uncle. Later his kids found out that he wasn't there uncle and adored there new brother. I thought that was cute. What I'm trying to explain is that I don't think the birth parent has to take the child back in or anything I just think that they should at least be the Child's friend, maybe answer there questions, and keep in touch.

The birth parent has NO obligation to the child after providing for them--in other words, the birthparent gave the child to loving adoptive parents, who made sure the child had a place to sleep, enough to eat, and all that jazz.

While it would be nice if it always worked out that they could be friends later in life, I can think of several reasons a birthmother would walk away and not look back.

Think of all the traumas that could result in an unplanned pregnancy. What if it were rape? What if it were abuse? What if her parents disowned her for getting pregnant? So many "what ifs" that could have been VERY bad memories and times for her. She could have moved past all of that and had a normal life--but ONLY because she was able to choose adoption and move on.

You are roughly the same age as my daughter. Open adoption was coming into play at that time, and more and more people were choosing it. There must have been a good reason to NOT choose open adoption, if it had been an option for her.

Look, I'm not trying to destroy your hopes here. Many reunions end up very happy. But there are several that I know of that did NOT end up happy, and the adopted child felt worse in the end than they had to begin with.

Since your adoptive mother refuses to discuss this with you, I have a feeling that she knows something of the story behind this, and is trying to save you some hurt.

I'm not telling you not to look. I'm telling you that there are valid reasons for NOT wanting contact with a child you placed for adoption. I'm telling you that not all reunions are happy, and that you shouldn't go into it expecting to find a great friend.

I STILL suggest counseling for you, to prepare you for either possibility.

And I would hope that if your birthmother refuses contact with you that you would respect that and move on with YOUR life.

In many cases the adoptive child can ruin the birth mothers new life, she may be remarried and never told a new husband, it can cause a divorce you finding her.

She may have had you because of rape and wanted to put it behind her and not be reminded

You may have been from one of many guys on a drunken weekend she wants to forget.

It can be a 1000 things, that she wanted you to be happy and have a real mother and father ( the people who adopted you)

So I guess why do you want to find the birth parents, what do you expect to find and why

You need to be ready to be spit on, rejected or have them get a restraining order against you.
This all happens all the time, Now it may also be a happy meeting but it may not also be either.

Honestly I know what is wrong with my adoptive mother. She is a very paranoid person and she is terrified I will disown her if I find my birth mother. She clings to me because of how my Father is. Just so you know not all adoptive parents are perfect. My mother and father rarely get along. My father well I don't really think he deserves that title. He is incredibly mean to my mother and yet acts perfect in front of other people. My adoptive family is so dysfunctional that few would understand how bad I wish I could leave most days.

Not all parents of ANY type are perfect.

You could have had just as bad a life (or worse) with your birthparents.

We hold no illusions about adoptive parents being perfect, hon. We just don't want you to have any illusions that it will be a perfect, happy meeting between you and your birthmother, and that things will just go "click" for you and you'll understand everything better.

Believe me, I understand that adoptive parents are no more "sugar and spice" than any OTHER parents are.

I just want you to realize that there may be very valid reasons on the part of your birthmother for having a closed adoption, and that you should respect that if she wishes to keep it closed.

Honestly I know what is wrong with my adoptive mother. She is a very paranoid person and she is terrified I will disown her if I find my birth mother. She clings to me because of how my Father is. Just so you know not all adoptive parents are perfect. My mother and father rarely get along. My father well I don't really think he deserves that title. He is incredibly mean to my mother and yet acts perfect in front of other people. My adoptive family is so dysfunctional that few would understand how bad I wish I could leave most days.

I grew up in a disfunctional adoptive family too, my mother was/is an alcoholic and I too around your age had fantasies about meeting my birth mother.

When I finally did meet my birth mother when I was an adult I still had some of those fanasties about what she would be like. It turned out she was OK, but the bond I expected to feel never happened; it was a disappointment, but it was reality and my expectations where to high. Having said that, my sister who was also adopted by from a different birth mother found her and they have a wonderful relationship to this day; but she is a much more pragmatic person that I was and she didn't have any expections to be disappointed from.

Yes I know she may want nothing to do with me. Heck for all I know she could be a wandering crack junkie. The one solid thing I want is a name and a face. I had hopes of her being a kind caring person but I know not to get my hopes too high. It would be great to have a friend ship with her but that is apparently a less than likely reality. But at least I'll know why my nose is flat on top and not a common roman nose like my parents, and why I have green eyes instead of blue like both my mother and father.

Also thank you for you suggestions and opinions

I am literally in the same boat you are. Except I'm 21. My parents chose not to tell me nad at 19 my cousin slipped up and did. They then told me but were reluctant to tell me anything else. Then my father told me there's more to the story nad he'll tell me on his deathbed. A few years later my boyfriend brought it up to him and he said he knows nothing. There are very different family rumors as to where I can from and so on. I don't want a new mommy I just want answers. My mother also feels the same way yours does. I was told I was tearing apart our family by asking questions. About a year ago there was an Illinois senator that was looking to legalize opening closed adoption records after the age of 18 because she too was adopted nad knows what a task it is to find biologial parents. Hopefully that will work. My advice after reading what everyone said is that their right. We (adopted children) should tread lightly as for contacting our birth parents. Personally when I find mine I will write a letter letting them know that I am biologicly their daughter give them my number nad leave it at that and on them, because that's all you can do. Best of luck to you and if I find a method of doing this cost efficntly I will be sure to let you know.

To jillbean
Thank you I know I have not posted in a while
But if you would let me know if you find a cost effective method of finding birth parents I would be forever grateful. Thank you

To jillbean
thank you I know I have not posted in a while
but if you would let me know if you find a cost effective method of finding birth parents I would be forever grateful. thank you

I found my birth mother with the non-identifying information I received from the adoption agency. I took that information and did some logical detective work of my own and found my birth mother by looking through obituaries for the year her father died. Found a name match and with the same number of siblings listed in the obituary. Then I started looking on the internet for phone numbers of the males in the family and they directed me to my birth mother.

Didn't cost me more than the gas to get to the main reference library in our city to look through old newpaper obituaries from the 1950's to finally make a match.

I have deleted all of Ihateignorance that was posted on this thread, and the several other posts that answered those posts.

Ihateignorance seems to have a issue that some women may need to give up their child for many reasons, and it is often better for the child to find a good family than perhaps grow up in a family of abuse or drug culture.

In many cases the adoptive child can ruin the birth mothers new life, she may be remarried and never told a new husband, it can cause a divorce you finding her.

She may have had you because of rape and wanted to put it behind her and not be reminded

You may have been from one of many guys on a drunken weekend she wants to forget.

It can be a 1000 things, that she wanted you to be happy and have a real mother and father ( the people who adopted you)

So I guess why do you want to find the birth parents, what do you expect to find and why

You need to be ready to be spit on, rejected or have them get a restraining order against you.
This all happens all the time, Now it may also be a happy meeting but it may not also be either.

This answer makes me sick. I have 5 children out there and i would never say to them they ruined my new life. My 3 oldest ones when i found them did not mess my life up i enjoyed their every moment with me. Why would a parent think that?:(:mad:

THIS ANSWER MAKES ME SICK. I HAVE 5 CHILDREN OUT THERE AND I WOULD NEVER SAY TO THEM THEY RUINED MY NEW LIFE. MY 3 OLDEST ONES WHEN I FOUND THEM DID NOT MESS MY LIFE UP I ENJOYED THEIR EVERY MOMENT WITH ME. WHY WOULD A PARENT THINK THAT?:(:mad:

Because it's true.

I know a birthmother who is now a grandmother to the kids she had later. She never told her husband about the child she gave up for adoption. She never told her children. She had been raped to get pregnant in the first place, and it was an extremely traumatic experience for her. The only person who ever knew she'd even been pregnant was an aunt.

If her child came back, all of that would come back out in the open, and would result in her explaining her horrible experience over and over again--an experience that happened over 40 years ago.

She confessed this story to me when she found out that I was openly a birthmother. I had just gotten pictures of my child and was showing them off at work, and she blurted out the entire story to me, like a confession. She says it still haunts her. She never knew or wanted to know if the child was a boy or girl, and only knows that the child went to a good family who could not have children. She's never told anyone, and after telling me, would probably never tell anyone else--she's already gotten it off her chest.

So yes--it would devastate this woman to have that piece of her past, that she's put behind her and never talked about, show up at her door and say "Hi mom!". She would probably tell the kid that he/she was mistaken, and close the door.

Some birthparents NEEDED to put the whole thing behind them in order to cope. Please respect that while you and I would be ecstatic to see our children, some people really would have serious life problems to have a child just show up at their door.

I am adopted and I was just wondering if anyone new a faster and more discreet method of finding birth parents other than having to go to court and have the papers opened. I have tried going to various websites to try to find them but I have a huge problem. I don’t know my birth parents names and to make matters worse my adoptive parents loath the idea of me searching for my biological parents. My adoptive mom freaks out when I even mention it even though I have told her over and over again that I won’t love her any less if I find my birth mom. The only thing I know about my birth mom is that she was 14 when she had me. So honestly I’m stumped right now but I would greatly appreciate any suggestions.


What state are you from? I know in some states (maine now being one of them) you'll have access to your original birth certificate at 18. It's a shame that your mom is upset about you finding your biological mother (I detest the word birth mother, it makes women sound like breeders). Remember your bio mom was only 14 and who knows why she chose adoption. Perhaps she didn't have support from her parents, there are so many reasons people give up children for adoption. I do know that in a lot of cases the bio mom loves their child and thinks of them all the time. I know a girl who gave hers up at 19 and she was depressed for months afterwards but was afraid the bio father would step in and try and take the baby (he's a drug addict). She did it out of safety for her child.

I hope your mom will one day understand that most of us NEED to know our biological roots. My mom from the time I could remember told me about my bio dad (who left when he found out she was pregnant). She nor my stepdad was upset when I found him (she even told me where he lived). Had she lied to me about my bio dad or held back information I'd be very angry with her. I met him, saw he was a worthless sperm doner who only cared about himself and was able to tell my mom and stepdad this. I am thankfull for the stepdad mom chose for me as to me he is my real dad. I am also grateful she didn't mind that I chose to meet him and see for myself who he was, what he looked like, if we had things in common etc. It helped answer many questions (for example I am good in math because my stepdad taught it to me, my mom nor bio dad is very good at it. I am an excellent speller, most of the time, thanks to my stepdad who taught me to spell). I still have the math books he had in high school. He is a lot older then me and was born in 1926 so you can imagine how old these books are.

Let your mom know that you need to find your biological roots because of needing to know your medical background (does her family have a history of breast cancer, heart problems, etc). Let her know, no matter what a mom is the person that raises you and takes care of you and loves you. Maybe buy her a book on adoptive children that explains their feelings.

Unfortunately sometimes people think they "own" their kids. Granted she adopted you, she loves you and she raised you but you are a person and individual and no matter how much she spent in money and time and love she will never be able to "keep" you. Loving a child means learning to find what's best for them and sharing them with others (including someday perhaps a spouse of yours). It's just as hard to watch your child love a spouse and a child as it is to watch your child love their bio mom. I am sure like all of us parents we feel we may "lose" our children once they are grown and they will love someone else instead of us. I found out that's not the case, my daughter still loves me even though she has a child. Sure she loves us differently. I love my mom my sister and my family even though I love my child. It takes a village to raise a child and they can't be loved by too many people even when they are adults. I do hope she one days understands this.

Good luck with your quest. I know how it feels to want to have questions answered and thankfully I had mine answered and I was able to form my own opinions.

(I hate the word "Step Dad", my step dad is my "real Dad" to me/ Legally he is my step dad and so this term makes it less confusing when explaining my bio dad and real dad. (my step dad didn't make me but loved me and took care of me therefore he is my real dad, my bio dad was the sperm doner nothing more nothing less)

Because it's true.

I know a birthmother who is now a grandmother to the kids she had later. She never told her husband about the child she gave up for adoption. She never told her children. She had been raped to get pregnant in the first place, and it was an extremely traumatic experience for her. The only person who ever knew she'd even been pregnant was an aunt.

If her child came back, all of that would come back out in the open, and would result in her explaining her horrible experience over and over again--an experience that happened over 40 years ago.

She confessed this story to me when she found out that I was openly a birthmother. I had just gotten pictures of my child and was showing them off at work, and she blurted out the entire story to me, like a confession. She says it still haunts her. She never knew or wanted to know if the child was a boy or girl, and only knows that the child went to a good family who could not have children. She's never told anyone, and after telling me, would probably never tell anyone else--she's already gotten it off her chest.

So yes--it would devastate this woman to have that piece of her past, that she's put behind her and never talked about, show up at her door and say "Hi mom!". She would probably tell the kid that he/she was mistaken, and close the door.

Some birthparents NEEDED to put the whole thing behind them in order to cope. Please respect that while you and I would be ecstatic to see our children, some people really would have serious life problems to have a child just show up at their door.

There are many adoption stories. Personally I don't think this birth mother/bio mother knows what she would really do if her child showed up. It's easy to say she'd walk away but no matter the case of how the child was conceived, the child is still biologically related to her. I hope she wouldn't shut the door in the child's face as this person may need answers.

To the person seeking your bio mom. Don't let these types of stories scare you away and call first. Don't "show up". When I met my bio dad, I called his daughter first and asked if we could meet and asked her permission before barging in their house. I wanted to let her know I was alive. If she would have been upset or not wanted me to contact her father I wouldn't have. I did not want to hurt anyone. I only wanted answers and to meet these people with the same genes as me.

No... don't "call first" either.

Initiate contact through a third party--a priest, a counselor, a trusted friend.

And respect the wishes of the birthmother if she chooses NOT to be contacted further.

Look--I'm looking FORWARD to the day my daughted wants to meet. I think most birthparents have some wish to meet the children they placed for adoption. However--just as I would not advise a birthparent showing up at an adoptee's door or "calling them first", I wouldn't advise an adoptee to just pop over or call.

Just as the biological parent has no "rights" to the child once they relinquish them, the child has no "rights" to a biological parent if the biological parent is not amenable.

And just because you don't WANT to hurt someone doesn't mean you won't---divorce, trauma, depression, guilt, whatever--these things actually HAPPEN because adoptees think they have a RIGHT to more information than their medical history.

They don't.

It's wonderful when a reunion happens happily, but the reality is that anyone searching needs to realize that the person they're looking for may not WANT a reunion.

I never said don't search--I said be careful with what you do with that search.

Because it's true.

I know a birthmother who is now a grandmother to the kids she had later. She never told her husband about the child she gave up for adoption. She never told her children. She had been raped to get pregnant in the first place, and it was an extremely traumatic experience for her. The only person who ever knew she'd even been pregnant was an aunt.

If her child came back, all of that would come back out in the open, and would result in her explaining her horrible experience over and over again--an experience that happened over 40 years ago.

She confessed this story to me when she found out that I was openly a birthmother. I had just gotten pictures of my child and was showing them off at work, and she blurted out the entire story to me, like a confession. She says it still haunts her. She never knew or wanted to know if the child was a boy or girl, and only knows that the child went to a good family who could not have children. She's never told anyone, and after telling me, would probably never tell anyone else--she's already gotten it off her chest.

So yes--it would devastate this woman to have that piece of her past, that she's put behind her and never talked about, show up at her door and say "Hi mom!". She would probably tell the kid that he/she was mistaken, and close the door.

Some birthparents NEEDED to put the whole thing behind them in order to cope. Please respect that while you and I would be ecstatic to see our children, some people really would have serious life problems to have a child just show up at their door.

Yes, I do agree with you, but there is so many families who have been split apart by the system and it is NOT the parent's or children's faults. I just can't see for a mother to close the door on her child/ren, if she never told her new family. I have always told my babies my door will never shut on you, no matter where I am or who I am with. The adopted parents of my 3 oldest ones closed the doors on me and my 10 month baby last year, after I spent 1 1/2 years with my kids. It kills me everyday. Stacy God bless you and take care

If u are of age (18) and u are aware of your biological parents names, go to zabasearch.com. U have a good chance of finding them, even the phone book, if u know where or what state they live in. I know it is hard especially when u have so much closure u want to get off your shoulders and let old wounds heal, trust me u can get through this. I am a biological mother who was blessed by God to have gained all the information of my children and their adopted names, besides their where abouts. It took many years because I wanted until my daughter was 14 to find her and believe me that was the best day of my life. Just be careful, u are going to run in a couple of bumps in the road of searching, but don't give up.

I am adopted and I was just wondering if anyone new a faster and more discreet method of finding birth parents other than having to go to court and have the papers opened. I have tried going to various websites to try to find them but I have a huge problem. I don’t know my birth parents names and to make matters worse my adoptive parents loath the idea of me searching for my biological parents. My adoptive mom freaks out when I even mention it even though I have told her over and over again that I won’t love her any less if I find my birth mom. The only thing I know about my birth mom is that she was 14 when she had me. So honestly I’m stumped right now but I would greatly appreciate any suggestions.
Amphitheatergirl. Im going through the same problem. I not sure were the same age. But, since you live with your parents, I'm guessing you are. I have asked my mom over and over and all she gives me is her LAST name not first, and her location. New York city, New york. I am a strange kid who knows more than my peers want me to know. Like the difference in truth, lies, and emotions. I could tell she was not lying and that by her body expressions afraid,agony, and paranoia. The thing is I started on first white pages with high hopes and sadly my rare stupid side showed. There were 12,467,073 results for that. :mad: Then I saw "free" adoption records. I type in my physical traits and it searched. It then said $23.95 for a lifetime pass. (which was the only thing they had offered.) Im only going to need this once. My friends would help me. Failed. Tried to ask mom again. Failed. People would tell me. Your mom probably doesn't want you to find out. People here even say that. I say put yourselves in my position and imagine that you never know your real parents and your stuck with over protective parents who think that I'm never going to grow up and that I would just move on from knowing who really gave birth to me! Respond, trust me once I write one message all the rest are WAY shorter

Amphitheatergirl. Im going through the same problem. I not sure were the same age. But, since you live with your parents, im guessing you are. I have asked my mom over and over and all she gives me is her LAST name not first, and her location. New York city, New york. I am a strange kid who knows more than my peers want me to know. Like the difference in truth, lies, and emotions. I could tell she was not lying and that by her body expressions afraid,agony, and paranoia. The thing is i started on first white pages with high hopes and sadly my rare stupid side showed. There were 12,467,073 results for that. :mad: Then i saw "free" adoption records. I type in my physical traits and it searched. It then said $23.95 for a lifetime pass. (which was the only thing they had offered.) Im only gonna need this once. My friends would help me. Failed. Tried to ask mom again. Failed. People would tell me. Your mom probably doesnt want you to find out. People here even say that. I say put yourselves in my position and imagine that you never know your real parents and your stuck with over protective parents who think that im never going to grow up and that i would just move on from knowing who really gave birth to me! respond, trust me once i write one message all the rest are WAY shorter


Put yourself in your mother's position--EITHER of your "real" mothers: your adoptive mother and your birthmother.

You have no RIGHT to know anything more than your medical information. It also sounds like you are under 18--which means you have no "right" to anything your adoptive parents don't want to tell you.

Maybe your "overprotective" parents who think you are "never going to grow up" feel that way because you are ACTING like a child.

It doesn't MATTER who gave birth to you, as long as SOMEONE loved you and did the best they could to raise you.

My daughter is adopted. I would love to meet her birth parents. It doesn't matter what kind of people they are - they loved their baby enough to continue through the pregnancy and give her life. I thank them for that every day. There were other choices they could have made and I am so very glad they chose adoption! My daughter's life has not been one from a story book either. She watched her adoptive parents divorce and then her adoptive father passed away all while a teenager. But through all of this she knew she was loved and wanted.

So even you as an adopted child should feel some of this. Your birth mom chose to give you life. I am sure it was not an easy thing to go through the pregnancy and give you up but to do that she had to have loved you. There were other options for her and she chose you. Let that give you some comfort. If finding easch other is meant to be it will happen.