First I'm not the stero typical father, my children are my life and the only reason sometimes I still exist. But their mother is driving me up the last wall I have standing. We share 50/50 with my two boys, she has them a week and I have them a week. Long story short for example this morning whiling waiting on her at school so I could drop off my youngest I was helping him redo one of his homework paper he got an F on during the week he was with her (this isn't the first time this has happened) while working with him she sneaked up to my truck and knocked on the window so while my son was getting his stuff together I showed her the paper and the grade the only respone I got was "I know". Why in the hell couldn't she have helped him with this? But this isn't the first time for this. The weeks my boys are with me their grades are perfect but I have come to see the week there are with her it's a different story. My patience dealing with her are gone and I do my very best not to show or say anything in front of my children, but my oldest and I are and have been very close he knows when I'm upset. Even if he doesn't say anything I know deep down it's hurting him and it's not fair for him or my youngest to have deal with this. I don't know what to do anymore.

God, it must be hard on those two kids to be split up like that. One week with you and the other with your ex. I guess she just doesn't care about the aspect of learning and assisting with homework. Is there any way you can hire a tutor when they are with her ?

Tutor might be a better solution than what I was going to suggest.

The thing is of all things she's a teacher, yeah I know! My boys grades are okay I've make sure that all their homework and papers are done and in on time, the weeks my youngest is with me I have worked out with his teacher to allow him to make up the work if need is there. My concern right now is my boys, I do my very best to not to show them that I'm upset with their mother about things, but it isn't all ways easy especially with my oldest knowing when I am upset. They deserve better from me then this and there are times I can't find any other way of shielding them from it. I wish I could get my boys full time but I don't have the money to fight that battle and my ex does, that's why I had to settle for the week on week off.

First I'm not the stero typical father, my children are my life and the only reason sometimes I still exist. But thier mother is driving me up the last wall I have standing. We share 50/50 with my two boys, she has them a week and I have them a week. long story short for example this morning whiling waiting on her at school so I could drop off my youngest I was helping him redo one of his homework paper he got an F on during the week he was with her (this isn't the first time this has happened) while working with him she sneaked up to my truck and knocked on the window so while my son was getting his stuff together I showed her the paper and the grade the only respone I got was "I know". why in the hell couldn't she have helped him with this? but this isn't the first time for this. The weeks my boys are with me their grades are perfect but I have come to see the week their are with her it's a different story. My patience dealing with her are gone and I do my very best not to show or say anything in front of my children, but my oldest and I are and have been very close he knows when I'm upset. even if he doesn't say anything I know deep down it's hurting him and it's not fair for him or my youngest to have deal with this. I don't know what to do anymore.


This is incredibly confusing. How is it possible to blame your wife on your son's F result when you have 50/50 share of their care. Is it because her children simply don't do their homework or hand it in when they're with her that they fail to produce a result on those weeks?

It's real simple she is not helping them with their homework during her time, that's why their grades are bad during her time. My oldest son has confirmed this. But that was just one example of things she is doing. I wrote on this forum expressing my concern for my children and them having to deal with this as well as seeing me upset. But maybe I need to be a little bit clear on what I say since some can make sight of it.

Knowledge doesn't simply switch 'on and off' one week to the next. Are they at least sitting down to do their homework when they're with her but left to figure it out on their own? Or are they not bothering to do their homework and racing to get it done at the last minute, so handing in scrappy work?

Frangy, I can see where the OP is coming from. His ex lets them run roughshod over everything when they are with her, homework, her and all. He has explained his situation. His boys are not doing well when they are with her, too much lenience, I think. She should still be working towards their future, helping with homework to the best of her ability. She is not doing any good at all, so possibly the two boys should have more time with their dad, as I think the original idea is.

Hi tickle, I see where you're both coming from only I'm wondering what else might be going on. As they're sharing responsibility, accountability and authority, it might be possible her authority is being undermined by their father... even if unintentionally. That might not be the case here, but I think it's worth exploring other possibilities before concluding the boys are better off with their father.

I have been insulted enough for one night, time to move on. So much for Ask me.

I'm sorry you feel that way. You might find using a professional mediation service works best in your circumstances, where you and your ex wife sit down to work out a mutually agreeable parenting plan.

No thanks the best thing right now is I care for my boys and forget about all you one sided women out there. I hope one day in the near future you will come to see and figure out that it's not always the husband fault. Enjoy your one sided life.

Sorry you feel that way. Maybe you are better off seeking your answers elsewhere. Why do you feel you were insulted. It certainly was not intentional and certainly well meant.

Could be you didn't know how this site works. Your post is put out there and you receive input, some negative, some positive, but all worthwhile reading and certainly you would get enough out of all of it to obtain some answers.

It is sort of like a sounding board, per se.

Anyway, good luck, even if you didn't think it was helpful.

Ms tickle

no thanks the best thing right now is I care for my boys and forget about all you one sided women out there. I hope one day in the near future you will come to see and figure out that it's not always the husband fault. Enjoy your one sided life.


I'd really like it if you could slow down just a little and not jump to conclusions.

Sounds like you have a lot to be proud of in how you take care of your boys. I was simply after more information as I was confused by the different results you were both getting out of the boys, rather than trying to lay blame on anyone or make any assumptions.

If you wanted to carry on this discussion about the shared care of your boys at any time, that would be fine.

Tutor might be a better solution than what I was going to suggest.

Hiring a tutor does sound like a good idea... nice and neutral :)

Apparently the original poster couldn't take the heat. But what I would consider is a re-evaluation of how the custody is shared. 50/50 might feel equitable to the parents, but could be unsettling to the boys. Perhaps if they had more time with their father during the week and spent weekends with their mom? If their schoolwork suffers with her then it might be better for them to spend the school week with dad.

Apparently the original poster couldn't take the heat. But what I would consider is a re-evaluation of how the custody is shared. 50/50 might feel equitable to the parents, but could be unsettling to the boys. Perhaps if they had more time with their father during the week and spent weekends with their mom? If their schoolwork suffers with her then it might be better for them to spend the school week with dad.

That could work and there could be other options as well. I've been reading about shared care arrangements this past week and it seems the most important criteria for its success is if both parents can cooperate. If there's too much hostility between the parents, the children suffer in ways that can effect a lot of areas of their development, including their studies.

For the past two years since separating, I have had 99% care and responsibility for my two children. Only recently, my ex requested we attend a mediation session to work on a parenting plan. I have no idea what his intentions are since he currently lives interstate and is not working and has refused to have a real conversation with me for well over two years, so there has been no real cooperation in our arrangements so far. If he is wanting to move to be close to his children and share in their care, that would be fine and even welcome. However, I would prefer my 12 year old daughter only spend every second weekend with her father and possibly have time with him after school once or twice a week to help her with homework. As I said though, I have no idea what he wants and he might not have any intention of moving to be closer to his children at all.

I hope the OP returns to continue talking about this, as I'd probably benefit from this sort of discussion right now.

For the past two years since separating, I have had 99% care and responsibility for my two children. Only recently, my ex requested we attend a mediation session to work on a parenting plan. I have no idea what his intentions are since he currently lives interstate and is not working and has refused to have a real conversation with me for well over two years, so there has been no real cooperation in our arrangements so far. If he is wanting to move to be close to his children and share in their care, that would be fine and even welcome. However, I would prefer my 12 year old daughter only spend every second weekend with her father and possibly have time with him after school once or twice a week to help her with homework. As I said though, I have no idea what he wants and he might not have any intention of moving to be closer to his children at all.

I hope the OP returns to continue talking about this, as I'd probably benefit from this sort of discussion right now.

Well, here's hoping that he had honorable intentions in asking for a parenting plan. At least you'll have a mediator to keep things from getting too crazy. And to go from being a long distance dad to the parameters that you have proposed sounds reasonable.

My (nearly) ex husband has decided that our 14 month old son should live with him and only visit me. Frustrating since he has yet to give me any reason our son's best interests would be served by the change. I can only assume that it is because he lives in a big house (with his parents) and therefore could have his own room. Whereas I live alone with our son in a one bedroom apartment and have converted my living room into a bedroom for him.

As hard as it is to be the 24/7 (with the exception of two separate supervised 24 hour periods every month) caregiver for our little one, I don't know what I would do without him home with me every night. My world revolves around making his life full and happy.

To the OP you sound like a very concerned father that cares a lot his kids. There should be more fathers like you. Education is number 1 with you and it's sad that you and the mom isn't on the same page.

I have a daughter and I shared everything with her father when it has to do for her. I could understand how you felt when you wasn't told about the F that your son got. When my daughter failed one of he test I called her father to let make him aware of her grade.

It's good that your working with your son teacher because that is important. I don't understand why your kids mother isn't making sure that the kids assignments are completed and helping them study. That's part of parenting and no matter how tired or busy I am I make sure my daughter's homework is completing and that she study everyday.

The tutor was a good idea but is the wife going allow it on the days she have them? I really don't know what to say but I wanted to just say keep working with them. I wished things was different but they aren't but don't let it get you down.

Well, here's hoping that he had honorable intentions in asking for a parenting plan. At least you'll have a mediator to keep things from getting too crazy. And to go from being a long distance dad to the parameters that you have proposed sounds reasonable.

My (nearly) ex husband has decided that our 14 month old son should live with him and only visit me. Frustrating since he has yet to give me any reason our son's best interests would be served by the change. I can only assume that it is because he lives in a big house (with his parents) and therefore could have his own room. Whereas I live alone with our son in a one bedroom apartment and have converted my living room into a bedroom for him.

As hard as it is to be the 24/7 (with the exception of two separate supervised 24 hour periods every month) caregiver for our little one, I don't know what I would do without him home with me every night. My world revolves around making his life full and happy.

Thanks for that. As a straight forward question such as 'what's the purpose of us meeting to discuss a parenting plan' gets the response 'you'll find out when you get there', I'll remain cautious :)

I can fully appreciate how your life revolves around your son. If your living room works as a converted bedroom and your son is safe and well loved, which obviously he is, then he's fine with you. Don't let your ex or anyone else try to convince you otherwise. Besides, it makes no difference how small his living room is. My Aunt and Uncle raised three robust boys in a tiny two bedroom flat in Osaka and they're an amazing family. It's not uncommon for living rooms to be converted into bedrooms in Japan, and no-one really suffers if it's necessary... people take it in their stride. Regardless of their situation, being young, you have plenty of time to change your circumstances so that you can provide a more comfortable home for your son.

Thankfully you are taking the higher road and not putting down Mom in their presence!

How wonderfully refreshing.

So many divorced parents just thrive on using their children as pawns and its very mature and thoughtful of you to not fall into that trap. Kudos to you!

I would have a family meeting and get to the bottom of why this is happening.
Is she being too lax with them ?Do they not show her the respect they show you?
When you have this type of split custody it is vital that both parents are on the same page.
Same rules ,same discipline etc.

You have to keep the lines of communication open as parents. Maybe they are telling her they did the homework and she is clueless... you won't know unless you talk and they
Need to know that you and mom are talking and staying on top of things together.

I had to do the same things with my joint custody and thankfully I really got along well with the Dad and we were always a team when it came to the kids.Its not always easy but the results are worth it.

Best of luck!

Thankfully you are taking the higher road and not putting down Mom in their presence!

How wonderfully refreshing.

So many divorced parents just thrive on using their children as pawns and its very mature and thoughtful of you to not fall into that trap. Kudos to you!!

I would have a family meeting and get to the bottom of why this is happening.
Is she being too lax with them ?Do they not show her the respect they show you?
When you have this type of split custody it is vital that both parents are on the same page.
Same rules ,same discipline etc.

You have to keep the lines of communication open as parents. Maybe they are telling her they did the homework and she is clueless...you won't know unless you talk and they
need to know that you and mom are talking and staying on top of things together.

I had to do the same things with my joint custody and thankfully I really got along well with the Dad and we were always a team when it came to the kids.Its not always easy but the results are worth it.

Best of luck!

I'm really glad you've written, as you're nicely on track with your ex. When my ex and I get together to discuss a parenting plan, we'll be working through something like this:
http://www.relationships.com.au/resources/pdfs/books-booklets/pplan.pdf

My partner and his ex are able to have long conversations and work together in raising their children, even though she now lives interstate with their two boys - and just this last week their 18 year old daughter who is pregnant and suffers depression went to live with her. My partner is especially good at backing his ex on any disciplinary decisions she makes. He'll listen to his boys if they complain but will then talk with his ex to get her point of view. Even if he sometimes disagree with her, he'll tell the boys they need to listen to her. Although their family life far from perfect, their parents have been on the same page and from what I can observe, it makes a real difference.

T
You have to keep the lines of communication open as parents. Maybe they are telling her they did the homework and she is clueless...you won't know unless you talk and [U]they
Best of luck!

I agree with you that they might be lying to her about the homework but it is up to us as parents to double check. My daughter comes home from school sometimes and would lie and tell me that she didn't get any homework but I don't go by her word. I go get her book bag and guess what I find homework. So I don't really think that she is clueless but maybe she isn't taking the time to check. Also, he mention that she is a teacher so she should know right hand how important school is.

Also, me and my daughter father isn't together and my daughter goes to his house every weekend and he makes sure her homework is done over the weekend and takes time to study with her.

I don't know what is going on with the kids when they are at the other parent household but I agree that the parents should work together because regardless if their together they have to find a way to work together for the kids sake at least until their 18.

Me and my daughter father get along great. I never had to take him to court for child support because he provides for our child. Regardless of why we couldn't make it as a couple we will always be friends. I am currently engage and him and my fiancé gets along because we have no drama. My daughter father is a wonderful man and I am glad that he is her father because some of my friends kids fathers are horrible.

I hope he does come back and if he doesn't I hope that him and his ex works together and solve any issues they have in a civil matter.

Hay Liz28... was told I have to spread the rep(?) so I am responding this way.
The bottom line is that as parents we always want the same thing ,the happiness and health of our kids .
You are right.. gotta double check.. its amazing the length that kids will go to to get out of a little homework! :)
Little buggers.
I am 54 so mine are grown but I do remember all the tricks and how they try to play one parent against the other.
I am glad you have the friendship that you do with the Dad.. nothing better for your kids than that.It really is a great gift.
Many blessings! Michele

Your right Artlady, kids know how to tell tales. You don't know how many times she lied to her dad by telling him she did her homework at home before leaving to go to his house. But what she didn't know was that we talk so he already know she had homework.

That use to scare me on how a child could lie in your face. I guess I know how my mom felt when I did that when I was younger. Now I understand my mother when she used to say "wait until you have kids".

Pretty obvious mom, and dad either don't work well together, or don't want to. That's a shame really. Kids tend to suffer that way.

That use to scare me on how a child could lie in your face. I guess I know how my mom felt when I did that when I was younger. Now I understand my mother when she used to say "wait until you have kids".

Lol, it can definitely be like that. Have to say, no-one ever asked me to do homework - not once. Seriously, I remember having a large sheet of masonite that I propped against my bedroom wall and using chalk, worked through all sorts of problems on my own for hours on end. I was such a strange kid lol. That all changed in high school... still, it's difficult for me to understand why kids don't find study fun and interesting and just get on with it.

I was also wondering if forgottenin's ex is wanting to encourage her kids to learn to take the initiative themselves, that could be at odds with his approach. It's just a wild guess and probably irrelevant... since the bottom line, as you and Artlady both mentioned, is that you have to actually ask your ex the question to find out what's happening.

It would be interesting if forgottenin joined in again. I've found it helpful finding out about your different experiences on shared care arrangements, or otherwise, and would be curious to know if he's possibly found it helpful as well.

You could talk to the court about this and show them the evidence that they are not doing well in school with this arrangement and present another 50/50 reasonable plan and ask for an amendment.
Like could you ask for them Sunday or Monday night through Friday morning and agree to let her have them on weekends, holidays and week days in the summers? I know that might not feel fair to not have them weekends, holidays and a good bit of the summers but it would be more in the best interest of their school work.

You could talk to the court about this and show them the evidence that they are not doing well in school with this arrangement and present another 50/50 reasonable plan and ask for an amendment.
Like could you ask for them Sunday or Monday night through Friday morning and agree to let her have them on weekends, holidays and week days in the summers? I know that might not feel fair to not have them weekends, holidays and a good bit of the summers but it would be more in the best interest of their school work.

As he mentioned feeling unsure about taking her to court given his ex wife's ability to afford a better lawyer, he's probably concerned he may lose more than he gains. Besides, who really wants to spend their adult years in and out of court fighting over custody of the children? If there was blatant evidence of neglect and abuse, then yes. In this case, as far as we know, it comes down to the kids not doing their homework. If every parent who failed to get their children to do their homework was sent to court, imagine what that would be like.

If they can work out an agreement then she shouldn't need a lawyer. If he is interested in the best interest of the children's education then it shouldn't be about what he has to lose.
I was saying try and come up with another 50/50 plan so he wouldn't lose time with them. If he can come up with one and she agrees that it is okay then it shouldn't be a court battle if the Judge agrees to amend it.