I have started the no contact about 9 days ago. All was going OK. Sad and down but at least there aren't any new pains. I was in the shower tonight and suddenly I think to myself.. I'll just go online and see if my ex is there. No big deal right? So I had a great shower cause I figured I could go online and not make any real effort but my ex would definitely speak to me. I could just give short answers. Then I thought to myself... why? My ex is moving to Florida in about 1 month to live for 3 months (I suspect longer). I guess I find it better to deal with the pain now rather then have them move and still be in contact.

Anyone else struggle with no contact? Just feeling a little unsure of myself right now...

YES!! I have struggled with it for three months now! I have fallen off and gotten back on the 'no contact' wagon several times, so don't feel bad. I actually met my ex for some coffee on Friday. Stupid mistake, but I will be fine. I know I will. Everyone makes the mistake at least once, or, in my case, several times. Just keep on moving forward and keep your chin up.

OK... I just find it so difficult to not be able to chat or speak to them. I feel like I'm acting childish in some way. My ex hasn't reached out much (of course I would prefer that so I would feel wanted) but I'm trying to remember that the NC is for me... not to punish them.

Is there ever a time you can have contact? Ever a time or circumstance when it would be OK?

Is there ever a time you can have contact? Ever a time or circumstance when it would be ok?

NO NO NO

All that will do is feed you false hope... stay on the NC Highway so you don't go back to square one!!

Friend4U is right. I have broken it many times. I am not back at square 1 however, as I have been able to get a level head and get my own life together since we broke up. This last time (Friday) was probably the biggest set back I have had, so I am probably back to square 2 1/2. Do NOT break NC. It is NEVER worth it, believe me. Don't be as stubborn as me.

Thanks so much... I went online tonight... just couldn't fight the pain.. but thankfully my ex wasn't online... so I sat there on AIM seeing if they came on... and they didn't... so after reading this I signed off. This is awful and painful.

It might be awful and painful now but it will pay off in the long run believe me. I have pretty much gone NC for 5mths now, she managed to find ways to contact me (by waiting outside my house and even more psychotic ones) but I know that without NC I would not have been in the spot I am right now. So keep it up and whenever you want to break it remind yourself how hard the first few days where. Good luck

You made a point yourself and you need to write it somewhere or stamp it on your heart and brain. You said that she hasn't reached out much and you are glad that she hasn't because it would make it more difficult. That is exactly how you need to look at it. She hasn't made the effort and therefore neither should you. As far as every contacting her again, maybe sometime down the road when you have both moved on with your lives and you no longer have the emotional attachment.

According to your original post, your ex was down in Florida visiting and wasn't writing you... that just goes to show even more that your ex is doing their own thing, and unfortunately you aren't included in that.

In addition, you talked about how your ex should be there for you in hard times... since you had left your job and so forth. Absolutely they should be there for you, and that is why you need to use this to fuel your NO CONTACT FIRE!

Whenever you think about contacting or responding to your ex, if they happen to attempt to contact you, you must remind yourself of these instances in which they weren't there for you, and in which they aren't really making any effort to contact you. Basically, your ex isn't sitting around thinking about you, so you shouldn't sit around and think of them. Stay no contact and your healing time will get shorter everyday.

I know its true. Its not easy but I know this is true. 6 years is a long time to basically have someone end it online. I did go online a couple times but thankfully my ex wasn't online so I spared myself any type of pain. Now I just have to avoid it tomorrow.. and the day and the day after that... UGH!

Just take this one day at a time. Slowly the days will turn into weeks and the weeks into months and you will gradually start to feel the difference. I would suggest you block her or make it so that you are not able to see when she is online. That way you will avoid going through the whole process whenever she is online.

Do NOT break NC please, she'll probably eventually contact you my friend then you can deal with it then.

After 6 years I know my ex and I'm sure my ex is now angry at me for not having any contact. Of course that reaction is exactly what bothers me the most because I hate making my ex mad or sad through my actions. I guess I was thinking last night if I logged online and my ex saw me... they would say hi and I wasn't doing anything wrong because they spoke to me and not the other way around. I realized this morning that this is just a need to know that my ex is thinking of me but that attention wouldn't bring them back. It would just leave me sad.

There are no exceptions to NC and it will only work if you cut off any line of communication.
You should not care what her reaction is. You are doing this for your own good and its time to take care of yourself because if you don't no one else will. Sooner or later she will try to contact you but you should just stay focused.

That's still breaking NC, NC isn't NC until they contact me. It's NO CONTACT so YOU can heal, not to get the other person upset or angry.

That's still breaking NC, NC isn't NC until they contact me. It's NO CONTACT so YOU can heal, not to get the other person upset or angry.

Yah... I tend to get myself caught up in ideas of what my ex is doing and that usually just leads to me thinking I can go online and see if my ex will speak to me. I was honestly very happy they weren't online last night but couldn't help wondering why... guess that's why I should stop and think

What I worry about right now is that I didn't tell my ex that I'm doing no contact. When my ex went to Florida they knew I was mad... and when they came back I didn't go online to contact them at all. Of course they haven't contacted me... but I can't help but feel bad about not at least telling my ex about this no contact thing...

That's the WHOLE point of no contact... You don't tell them anything... at all!

No contact is meant for you to give yourself the proper time your mind needs to settle its self enough to think clearly about your relationship and what you can learn and take away from it.

Don't think about what your ex is doing like I said in your other post, it will get you nowhere.

What you need to do is build yourself up enough to just take away all the possible setbacks you could encounter. Delete her AIM/MSN, Myspace, Facebook, phonenumbers, take the pictures and put them in a box and promise yourself to not look at them again until your ready. You can do it if you really try.

What I worry about right now is that I didn't tell my ex that I'm doing no contact.

You don't owe her any explanation. She will figure it out. Don't get caught in such thoughts. The moment you contact her to tell her about NC it will be like starting from ground zero again. What good can possibly come out of it?

You dont owe her any explanation. She will figure it out. Dont get caught in such thoughts. The moment you contact her to tell her about NC it will be like starting from ground zero again. What good can possibly come out of it?

I know you're right. Boy today was a bad day. Couldn't stop thinking about my ex and just basically went through the motions today. Came home exhausted from thinking about this situation. Still haven't broken the no contact but everyday that my ex doesn't call or doesn't make any efforts makes it harder to keep my end up.

You should be glad she hasn't contacted you and hope that she doesn't for a very long time. You are going to have bad and good days. At first the bad outweigh the good but as time passes by and the balances are restored the bad become less frequent and less bad and the good become more frequent. Keep your head up even if you have to force yourself to do it. You will get over this and come out stronger and better than ever. Keep that in mind and look forward to the day when all this will be a distant memory

I'm going through the same thing. Hang in there. And Block them online. I didn't realize the importance of this whole "no contact" thing until about a week ago when I joined this sight and had had the final straw with my ex. It's really hard to not have any contact. You want them to want you. You want them to realize they made a mistake. You want them to say "hey" online... but it will only make you more depressed and make you think about them more. Having no contact with your ex gives you power. Day by day you feel stronger and think less and less about them... one day you'll just stop and realize that you haven't thought about them for the entire day... and slowly it will increase. You have to remember that this is for YOUR benefit. It's not because your punishing them. Even though... you sort of feel like you want to sometimes. The only reason you want to talk to them... is because deep down inside... you want to get back together with them. Being friends is waaay to complicated (maybe in years to come) and if they realize they want to get back together with you, they will contact you. And I don't mean, give you a call. They might send you emails and messages apologizing. However, I highly doubt that. Since that will probably not happen... DO NOT CONTACT THEM. Just remind yourself over and over how other people are doing the same thing at this very moment. Your not alone. Stay strong! Haha :)

No contact is hella hard I definitely feel you... I need to start but I can't seem to do it... I think its good that you caught yourself though!

Well I keep coming so close to breaking the NC rule. I went online last night... my ex was online but had the away turned on... I sat there online for about 2 minutes.. heart racing.. and then forced myself to sign off. Nothing said... probably not even seen. I sat and cried for about 5 minutes then got on with it. Its funny how good it felt that my NC wasn't completely broken. I can only imagine how I'd feel today if I had gone all the way back to step 1.

Just sometimes it's hard to believe you could be with someone for 6 years and then suddenly never speak again. Kind of a shock to the system.

You are doing good man! Keep your chin up and keep on moving forward.

Yes it is a shock. That's why you need to go NC to get over the shock. I've broken it a few times already. It didn't make me feel better that I did... but it didn't really set me back that far either. Just take everything a day at a time... you can do it.

I have found myself constantly going on aim to see if she is on too. I never call or initiate text anymore. I told her I didn't know how to handle this the best way, but I went NC for a few days and I seemed to forget about things somewhat, unless it was because she said we will be back together again, there will be no other guys, and she just needs her time? She said even if I decide to ignore her until I go up to visit she still wants me to come and will not be moved on. I have the impression sometimes that when I go up there things will be back together, but I'm really trying hard to not think like that, because it probably isn't realistic. I always got a million things running through my head about her like when she says we will be back together I get somewhat happier, but then when we don't talk I sit around and think what is she really doing? I think breaking the nc may have set me back.
In a past relationship, I went no contact and it worked. However I have my doubts because I found a new girl after breaking up with her and that may have helped move me along as well. I don't want to talk to this girl, but like you said, I want her to reach out to me and want to feel wanted and not just like she is having a great time "on her own" Honestly though, who wants to be alone? I think its just a nice way of letting me go... I have been struggling with NC because I want to tell her why I don't want to talk because of the things she says or doesn't say, when she asks why I am ignoring her or may choose to

So I blew it tonight. I guess this thread kind of showed I was having problems with NC. I went online and of course my ex initiated the hi... asked how my job was... I just said very good and said nothing else. They signed off without saying another word. OF COURSE that destroyed me... and I did the ultimate stupid thing... texted them saying "No Bye?" my ex texted back saying night, have a good day tomorrow. So now I'm back to step one. Oh well... wonder if I can get back on track. I guess this contact didn't exactly make me feel better so maybe I need to understand that... I've now taken my ex off my AIM so I won't see them if I go online and I've also blocked them so they can't see me. This was just stupid.

So I blew it tonight. I guess this thread kind of showed I was having problems with NC. Of course my ex initiated the hi...asked how my job was...I just said very good and said nothing else. They signed off without saying another word. OF COURSE that destroyed me...and I did the ultimate stupid thing...texted them saying "No Bye?" my ex texted back saying nite, have a good day tomorrow. So now I'm back to step one. Oh well...wonder if I can get back on track. I guess this contact didn't exactly make me feel better so maybe I need to understand that... I've now taken my ex off my AIM so I won't see them if I go online. Next step I guess will be to block them so they can't see me when I'm online.

Sometimes lessons learnt the hard way are the best John , chin up and start that road down the NC highway again. And this time don't look back ;)

Yah... I have to learn from this. I'm actually more upset at myself for making my ex feel so important once again while they gave me nothing but the smallest amount of attention. Thankfully I didn't chat enough to get any information that might bother me. Yes... new day tomorrow. One mistake... how many do I get? Lol

Happens to all of us man. Like I said, I have done it SEVERAL times. No worries! Just get back up and keep moving.

So went online again today and spoke to my ex. Not too emotional today because I realize that there just isn't any feelings (or maybe never was) on my ex's end. My ex actually seemed angry at me when we started talking today so I think the no contact I had done for two weeks had some effect on my ex. Like I stated originally... my ex has decided to move to Florida for a few months (to work and have fun with a friend) so I realize I really need to buckle down and get the NC going. It'll be so much harder if I wait until they leave... and I refuse to stay in touch when they're in FLorida (I'm in NYC). That would be too painful.

Like before... I guess I don't have to tell them anything.. just not go online anymore. I'm thinking of seeing a therapist next week (free consultation) to see why its so hard to remove myself from this person. We'll see.

John, the therapist is not a bad idea, but you need to really take some time to sit and think, and realize the power of NO CONTACT.

If you take some time and you look at everyone that gets on this site and writes about how their relationship came to an end, you will see that almost all of them have issues with NO CONTACT. They can't imagine this. It just simply doesn't make sense, because you are empty handed and are having to deal with emptiness, when you may not have done anything to cause it.

Think about it this way. When you were a child, and you would do something good, your parents may give you a cookie. So the next time, you did what they asked, and you were good, so they gave you a cookie... well then one day, they realize that you now knew how to do it, so they stopped giving you a cookie... well think of the person that you are, as the act of doing good, and your ex-girlfriend, as the cookie... You wake up each day, and you are yourself (a kind, loving, caring person... which represents the good), but you don't get the cookie... Well, your reaction is just as a child's reaction would be, confused, upset, disappointed, sad. You were doing everything that you were doing all the days before, but now, you aren't getting your cookie anymore. So, your issues with detaching yourself from your ex, are following this pattern.

This is why you go No Contact. You must realize that you can continue to be yourself day after day, and that your life is not over. You said it yourself, NO CONTACT gives you power. You are choosing not to talk to her, and that is YOUR choice. You are choosing to live, eat, sleep, drink, watch TV, sleep in, travel, and do it how and when YOU decide to. The point of NO CONTACT again is FOR YOU! IT is for you to realize that you can make it ON YOUR OWN! You are living for you, just as she is living for her right now. Trust me, I know it hurts, but she isn't sitting around and thinking and stressing about this situation right now. She is doing her own thing. Her acting like she is mad and so forth, that is the front she has to put on because she wants to make you feel as though you did something wrong that would warrant her decision and actions. That is why you don't talk to her. You are having issues with detaching yourself from her, because you won't ALLOW yourself to. You need to start living for yourself and stop living for her... and yes, as of now, you are still living for her. You are letting her control your life, and she is just going about hers.


NO CONTACT IS IN YOUR BEST FRIEND RIGHT NOW, AND UNTIL YOU REALIZE THAT AND EMBRACE IT AND MAKE YOURSELF DO IT, YOU WILL KEEP RELAPSING AND IT WILL EAT YOU ALIVE.

Thanks thadevilsadvocate... its funny how we can understand everything on paper but carrying it out... isn't always easy. I was surprised that last night when my ex said hi to me online they were all happy and friendly but then tonight my ex was so nasty and somewhat angry... almost like they realized the power had gone back into their hands.

Your ex did realize the power was back in their hands. Trust me, they are well aware of it. That is the reason for them writing you to begin with. If you don't respond to them or contact them, then you don't fill that void for them. They don't want to have to deal with the reality of you not speaking to them, and as long as you continue to speak to them, you will get nowhere and you will continue to fill the void for them. Let them suffer, but not being able to communicate with you. I guarantee you it will work wonders.

It was also weird because two nights ago when I went online, my ex said hi right away etc. etc... then last night... after I sat online for a while... my ex said "why didn't you say hi to me when you came online"... and I said "I just got in and went to take a shower" and my ex said "well from now on you need to say hi if you come on after me..I can't be the one to always say hi first"... I found that whole exchange rather bitter and nasty. I reminded my ex that they needed to stop being so mean to me and they said "I'm the nicest person you know"...

You get the idea of the way it went... this is the same person who when I moved out temporarily because I didn't have a job... told me that if we're going to stay together... I would do everything they told me to do... then two weeks later they told me it wasn't going to work. Hard to believe it lasted 6 years... so I guess today is day #1 again of NC...

Hi John, I know how tough it is, and let me give you some perspective.

Its down right crazy to think your going to fill the hole in your soul, after a few weeks, when you have a 6 year history with someone.

Come on guy, give yourself a break here. Its going to take a lot of time and WORK, and that's something you have control over.

Start now, and make a list of something to do tomorrow, and instead of going online, ( the exception is coming here) have a task, or errand waiting for you.

It takes a while to come out of shock, and make adjustments, but you will eventually.

HINT- Time flies when your having fun, and anything that's strenuous, and challenging, or new, will have you sleeping like a baby.

Adjust your attitude to enjoy your freedom, to explore your options.

"Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the nonpharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.” John W. Gardner

The only power we have lies in our actions. It is your choice whether to exercise that power and do what is best for you or let other people run the show and determine our happiness.

I guess I'll try the list of things to do when I start to have too much time on my hands. I just want to be as far beyond contact with my ex before they leave for Florida (whenever that is)... I knew I couldn't wait until they left to go NC... that would be two things I'd have to deal with... so I'll have to let some of this go before the end of this month. Then... they are literally gone (even if its for just 3 months) so time to pick up and start new.

Delete them from your IM program! Do it now! Then you cannot here from them fullstop...

That quote from gardner is dead on. I've been dealing with a breakup for the last couple weeks and have tried NC a number of times and failed. I get mad/upset when I don't hear from her, and then when I do and decide to answer back, I get instant, momentary pleasure, and then its like I step back and realize that the momentary pleasure is gone and I'm back to being mad/upset, not knowing what to do. On top of all this, I'm in law school and in the middle of final exams, so I have been doing nothing but studying and taking exams for the last two weeks. I haven't been to the gym, haven't been out to any bars or clubs at all, and been getting minimal sleep so everything has really been dwelling on me. One moment I want to get back together with her if she wanted to and then next, I don't think it was meant to work out, maybe even forced for awhile. Bottom line, from the last couple weeks I can tel you that NC does help, it helped even after a couple days, but then breaking it with hopes that it will be better for the relationship is dead wrong. I've done it in the past and it worked wonders. But currently I have been failing at it every couple days. Stick to it, it'll pay off in the long run, let her go and if it was meant to be, shell come back. But hopefully for her, you won't be moved on to something better. I need to start living by my own words, just having a tugh time sticking to it.

The only thing I can say that was good about breaking it... it reminded me how mean my ex can be... and helped clear up those worries about how they were taking it. I kind of feel like I'm a little angry at my ex so it gives me a little more steam this time. If my ex wonders where I am... all they have to do is remember how nasty they were last night. Well my ex was polite at the end... and tried to chat a little but that was it...

It just all feels like such a game...

I suggest to quit the game, your just messing with your emotions.

I feel you buddy, seems like a big game and probably is. Everyone on here mentions the power that the girl has over you if she dumps you and you continue to be there waiting to here from her, hoping to get back with her, esp. if it wasn't a bad breakup or was something like needing time like my ex told me. I still wonder if there is such a thing as time, instead just a cover up to dump you nicely. I don't know I'm starting to see it as the longer you hold out the more power you have in yourself to move on and uncondition yourself from her. Mine is bothering me because she tells me to call her, text, etc. and texts me almost everyday, is nice, can keeps saying how she wants me to visit. But I'm struggling with stepping out of this fantasy of getting back together and instead need to face the facts, realize that she dumped me, and try to move on. I can go NC but I keep getting the feeling I may be blowing something. Because this is a long distance situation I'm hoping when I see her I will have a good idea of the situation and if she still needs time for herself (dont get that) then that will be it for me. No more visits. I hate to admit it but I think the visit may be the only thing holding me onto her still, and the possibility it may change her mind.

Yes sirrr, listen to turtleneck, your go NC for yourself. It helps!

Its tough to keep to the NC if you have any slight bit of hoping to be with her or that shell come around and want to be with you at least. I still hope everyday to hear she wants to get back together, but in most relationships its not going to happen anytime soon I don't think, otherwise we wouldn't be reaching out on this board, or even at all. I'm not sure if this is weird or just shows how confused I am, but I seem to argue back and forth with myself as if she were to say she doesn't need anymore time, would I get back with her? Most times it is yes, but others I seem to believe I would be hesitant and need to discuss A lot before doing it again. I think I have a pretty unique situation being long distance, it didn't end on a bad break up, but we have plans to see each other in a few weeks and she continues to tell me she wants me to come.
John, I think you should try to keep that memory of her being rude to you and move forward on that, because when it seems like it wasn't on bad terms, its seems to me to be a lot tougher to get over. I deleted her from aim, removed the relationship status on Facebook, and haven't initiated contact with her in about 2 weeks, but all it takes is for you to give into a simple message as little as HI, to set you back to square one, where you immediately think/hope she wants you back. Like I said earlier, I tend to think I have been giving in not just because she has been really nice, but rather because I will see her in a few weeks and seem to have the mindset that this visit, if nothing comes from it, will hopefully be a big enough signal for me to move on

I don't think my ex wants to be back together but I do know they like to use the power over me. Tonight was the first night of my new NC... and I actually had zero problems... felt a little sad but I had such a bad taste in my mouth from my exchange yesterday that it wasn't that hard. I'm going to take Talaniman's advice... I'm going to make a list of things I can and need to do in case I find myself sitting around with too much time on my hands. Usually I love those weekends at home relaxing.. but after a break up its not exactly the best thing to do.

When my ex tried to break up with me 3 years ago (same person)... I did all the wrong things and eventually they came back to me... but I don't think it was ever 100% happy again. I had never heard of going NC and couldn't imagine that would be good. This time I do see the importance of it... doesn't mean its easy... but I understand it. I definitely understand not wanting to know anything. Even chatting yesterday with my ex... I made sure I didn't ask anything.. I literally didn't want to talk about anything... and that kind of made it a shallow conversation considering we had 6 years (3 living together).

On to Day 2... not planning to break it anytime soon I hope.

Is there ever a time when No Contact is no appropriate? In second guessing the No Contact I just wondered when you know if you shouldn't do it...

Never.

There probably isn't, but you will go through ups and downs where you almost convince yourself that you are being out of line going no contact. When you do... immediately come to the board.

Unless I am wrong, is there a time when you should break the no contact? Im assuming if you wanted to be back with her and she came to you and said the same.

What do you think when the ex tells you she understands this is hard on me and will understand if I don't want to talk to her? Does it mean she could care less to talk to me? If so, why has she been so adamant on me visiting her? Or could she realize it is tough on me?

Went online this morning... saw my ex was online... but I didn't say a word and neither did they. I sat there for a while thinking how I knew this wasn't good... and avoiding the need to say something... I wanted to say "so you don't say hi to me now".. but I knew that would not result in anything good. Eventually I just signed off. I don't feel better... but I don't feel worse... Sundays are such a hard day for me to avoid this... giving it time I guess...

Why would my ex reach out and be nice when I went online last Wednesday... then so mean when I was online on Thursday and now not even speak to me if I'm online? Why be nice the first time I logged on and then not be nice every time after that? Confusing

It doesn't matter why... stop analysing it. And delete them off your IM program so you can avoid thoes Mexican stand-offs.

How old are you?

Have you ever heard the short definition of insanity?

It is something like this:

DOING THE SAME THING-EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS.

How long do you want to live in this insanity?

How many times do you want to question the same thing again and again?

I understand you are in limbo over this break-up but the constant self-doubt and worrying isn't going to end this drama.

You need to look for another avenue to pursue.

Infatuation with something you can't have(or shouldn't have,depending on the perspective) is a total waste of time.

You are living for something which just isn't productive.

Learn what you need to do to eliminate this infatuation with her and substitute it with a worthwhile activity.

Waiting for them to get online is just waiting,it is a waste of your time.

Move on,stop the madness,take her out of your 'friends' list,block her from your computer,take her number out of your phone,stop allowing yourself to fall prey to insanity.

You are going to eat yourself inside out, thinking about why she did things. It doesn't matter WHY she did things. You need to realize this. You are spending so much time sitting here wondering why she is doing this and why she is doing that. You are occupying you entire day everyday trying to read in to what she does. So you are sitting here, beating yourself up over a girl that has been selfish. You need to realize that she is not sitting there thinking about everything that you do and don't do. Sure she may think about it for second when she sees you online, but that's it. Then she is back to doing whatever she is doing, and that's that. She is not sitting around pondering and over analyzing things as you are. It doesn't matter why she is doing what she is doing. Nothing has made sense to you yet, even going back to her wanting her space. It doesn't make any sense and none of this will. Realize that right now, and come back and thank me in 6 months for this. Once you realize that none of it is going to make sense, you will be one step closer to healing.

Stop worrying about what she is doing and what everything she does means, and look at what she has already done. She has screwed you for her own benefit, and just continues to toy with your mind. Realize that she has issues and there is nothing you can do about it. HEAL HEAL HEAL!

I know that it hurts, and I know that it is tough because there are so many hours in the day to think about things. And the thoughts keep going over and over in your mind. READ THE STICKIES! Realize how similar your situation is to millions of other people around the world, and do yourself a favor and DO THINGS! Do anything you can. FOR THE LAST FRIGGIN TIME, TAKE YOUR EX Off YOUR AIM. YOU DON'T CARE WHEN SHE IS ONLINE!

I know what you're all saying. I really just have to make this decision and not matter how much work it takes.. just stick to it. I spoke to my ex tonight... all my ex told me was what they ate... asked how I was... told me where my ex is working this week and then went to bed... (sadly this is the typical conversation I always had with my ex... don't laugh). SO... didn't satisfy... didn't destroy me... but I know there's no point in seeking an easy release of the pain by talking to my ex... I need to teach myself to heal and not rely on the source of the pain for that... so easy to understand... not so easy to do.

I will say I do feel the healilng.. even though my path hasn't been perfect... I find myself laughing with friends.. or enjoying TV... even playing games and stuff... things I could never do when the break up first happened.

[QUOTE=JohnD212;1415771]... but I know there's no point in seeking an easy release of the pain by talking to my ex... I need to teach myself to heal and not rely on the source of the pain for that...

If necessary,I will continue to copy these exact words for you,so you don't forget what you wrote.

This is an awesome admission and the first correct step you have taken in a long while.

Don't stop now and DON'T LOOK BACK!There is nothing there for you anymore.

So I haven't spoken or looked for my ex now for about 3 days. It really hasn't been too hard. I think my last conversation was such a waste of time. I ordered a few books... one in particular called "Don't Call That Man!" by Rhonda Findling... just take out the idea of calling a man... and insert a woman... and its perfect self help for anyone who has trouble with No Contact. I found it on Amazon who had a 4 page excerpt you could read... and I knew it was calling my name.

I also went to my first therapy session today (didn't accomplish much on the first day)... but I am realizing that the discomfort I feel right now not talking to my ex... is normal and temporary... and is much easier to deal with then contacting my ex and feeling the anger and disappointment.

I've blocked my ex on IM... I can't see if they're on... they can't see if I'm on... so I can go on and talk to friends... but not see my ex. One day at a time I guess...

The only thing that matters is that you are being proactive in healling and getting over this! Have you thought about volunteering? Getting another job? Instead of spending money on books you could be making money? Just a thought. Let me know if the books help you. I think there should be a sticky on this forum for good self help books to read directly after a break up. Perhaps reviews and such... just an idea! We are in this together. I am glad you are doing whatever you have to so you can get out of this mess and be a better person.

So tonight I check my email and there's an email from my ex. From the subject it's a link to a movie clip... now I know not to read more into it... so I haven't opened it and probably won't be responding. I'm 3 days so far with no contact and it hasn't been as hard this time. It would figure the ex would send a note right when I'm feeling better.

Just delete. You are doing well to keep strong John. Keep up the good work!

Of course she sent you something, that is how they do it! If they don't feel that you are miserable and not constantly thinking about them, they will follow up to try and ruin whatever healing may have been done on your part. Delete, and move on. Don't play games. If you respond you play right into her hands, and you will feel like crap once again. Get the upper hand!

..but I know there's no point in seeking an easy release of the pain by talking to my ex...I need to teach myself to heal and not rely on the source of the pain for that..

Just a friendly reminder:)

Haven't responded. Actually had a great day today... even though it was so rainy here in NYC... I found myself going a hour or so without thinking of my ex... how refreshing that felt. Not planning to respond or go online and look for my ex. I hope this healing continues because I prefer this to the back and forth of before.

I am trying to do the same thing as you.. but I have a child so its like I have to pick up..
But what they say is correct... because I'm sure she is just checking up on me to make sure I'm not having any fun and should be crying for her...

Because sometimes when I pick up the phone she will just say something like... oh I bought our son this today... followed by where are you... followed by are you going out tonight... followed by OK bye

Its almost sad to think they can be like this... Keeping us at bay giving us false hope and then ditch us when there finally over the grieving...

Maybe I'm wrong... maybe I just think I'm getting stepped on...

Hope everything works out for you

Everyone refer to my post on this page, because I swear it is the truth. There will be moments when you find yourself having fun and completely oblivious to your whole ex situation... and at times, when these moments happen... BAM!! Your ex just pops up and calls, or shows up where you are at to throw a wrench in your happiness. It is unreal the timing ability they have. Key is, not to let that detour your current mindframe.

Well I opened the email a day after I received it.. no big deal... just a link to a movie trailer... but I know my ex... its was a way to remind me of them without actually putting themselves on the line. No response from me. I've had ups and downs the last few days but I know from everything I've read in books... online... and advice from here... no contact will work if I stick to it. I feel better..

I get the urge to know what my ex is doing and occasionally my mind tries to convince me that they are out having fun... but I just remind myself that I don't know what they're doing. They could be unhappy or bored... what I don't know won't hurt me.

I'm actually finding myself going a few hours without thinking of my ex... I've actually laughed at a few Holiday shows... so I feel like things are finally going in the right direction.

I do have my second therapy session next week... so that is nice. It's good to find out why things are the way they are... but I feel I'm making real progress on my own. The further I get into NC... the more I would lose by breaking it.

So tonight I get two emails from my ex... one has a movie link (didn't open but can tell by subject line) and the second was sent an hour later with no subject to it. Since my ex can tell if I open the email via AOL... I don't think I should open it for now. Why do ex's have to return later.. I've been good for one week now... no contact.. and suddenly these emails...

Good work. Sit on it for a couple of days and maybe then open it... or just delete it straight out. Like you say, what you don't know can't hurt you.

But even if you do read it, and choose not to respond, that will send out a strong message to. You are doing well!

You could block her from your account?

But isn't it nice when you are going no contact and they contact you?

It makes me feel good :)

Anyway my friend just keep your head. And keep on doing what you are doing..

The no contact rule is a hard one. But the rewards are even better!

Yeah we have moment of weak thoughts

And yes! We think about our xs having the time of there lifes. Have sex with more guys than anyone can count.
Sitting in a room with all her boys. Talking about how awful you was in bed. And how she faked everything..

But the think I have done or at least tried to do. Is to tell my little mind to Hush up!

As a Tal says.
Stick to the facts.

And the fact is. You are in no contact mode.
And doing better for it

All the best

Yep... I set a goal of Monday to even consider opening the email with no subject. Funny thing is... I know that game.. if you send emails with subject lines its easier for the ex to not open it since they know what's inside... so you put no subject on the email forcing them to open it. I've done that before when I was having fights.

Yes NC is very hard. Its also very painful but it at least allows a little more calm in my mind and heart while I attempt to heal. Let my ex live with their decision of not wanting me.

So what if you have a child do you still no contact.. sorry that I'm adding my problem in I guess my ? Isn't posted yet

I'm new if she's leaving I think it's cool tell her... BYE

I'm starting to get those thoughts about why my ex would write emails to me... thinking what if they are missing me... and is it getting the way of talking about things if I don't open the emails or respond. Am I right in thinking that if my ex is really serious about working it out they would at least (or I would have the right to demand) pick up the phone and make more of an effort than an email? I just feel the email route is too safe and after all this pain they should have to make more of an effort.

I think you need to stop analysing the emails... you don't know what they say. Stick to the facts. They might just be meaningless forwards. I guess you won't know until you open them... but when you do, don't rush a reply, no matter what they say. In fact, even better, don't reply at all. If you do reply you will go straight back to day one of NC.

Ok so I just get a text message from my ex saying they're in the city and asking if I want to do something together. Of course I want to jump at it but I will just head out with a friend and ignore the message for now. Should I do that? Should I contact them later and say sorry I was busy. I just am afraid I'm blowing any chances.

Don't be afraid at blowing chances. You are doing the right thing by doing your own thing and ignoring the text. You can contact later if you want, but I still don't think that will do anything good. When relationships end, it is for a reason. You guys haven't been broken up long enough nor have things really changed to make you think the relationship would be successful "if" you got back together. Just keep on sticking to NC... your ex is just acting like this because they want to know they are still number one in your mind. Once they know that, they will once again leave you alone for awhile.

Yah... I actually just texted back saying I couldn't get together cause I was seeing a movie... nothing else. About 10 minutes later I get another text saying "who are you going with?" Did you get my email from Friday and why didn't you respond to it?" I didn't reply to that text cause I felt it was an attempt to pull me back into contact. Just going to leave it where it is... Even this brief contact made me very sad. No reason to risk it getting worse.

Good work. Turn your phone off and chill out for the rest of the night and watch a DVD or something to take your mind of it. You're doing well... I just hope sending that text doesn't set you back too much.

Well I replied that I have been busy and didn't see my ex's email... figured that would be it for the night. Get a text message saying why am I so busy... who did I see the movie with... what is wrong with me...

I didn't reply...

1 hour later I get another text message asking me to please come on IM to talk... not going to happen. Only good thing is that I know the pain is finally being felt on the other side. Now I can chill and enjoy my evening.

I LOL'd. Good man. I liked what you did.

I'd just be a little careful and not start playing games with her, you know? I mean, if she's feeling the pain, it's her problem.

But you must remember you are doing it for yourself, not to prove her something. Do not allow her actions to transform into hope, unless you want another run at the rollercoaster!

Seems from a couple of break-up experiences I've seen around here that hope is a highly addictive and toxic drug. Amazing highs. Bottom rock lows. And you always think you are in command!

I struggled for over 10 months. The best way? Plan the next few months of what you want to do

Seems from a couple of break-up experiences I've seen around here that hope is a highly addictive and toxic drug. Amazing highs. Bottom rock lows.

Yep :-(

The only high that hope gives us is our own mind playing tricks on reality. It is a painful experience. Thus, cutting all contact eliminates the existence of such a thing...

Dear JohnD212,
I just read this whole post from start to finish and I must say you've made a lot of progress in the last 15 days. Good work, I was practicing NC as well until she texted me on xmas day saying merry xmas n asking how I was doing. I replied a short text without revealing too much at the same emotional level of hers wishing her family and her a merry xmas... I have to say that small exchange essentially had me thinking of her through most of xmas and boxing day, and it didn't feel good.

Keep up the good work mate, we'll get through this! Keep on posting, It helps knowing how everyone else is coping. Gives me strength!

Regards,
Expat2009

Hi JohnD, was just wondering how you are holding up with your NC? Hope you are keeping strong!

One way to help with no contact is to stop and think why you broke up. It will be a big reason, don't be fooled into thinking it was that last silly fight you had that caused it. People leave serious relationships for serious reasons. It may she wants marriage-u don't, you go out too much, you want kids they don't. Well we could go on but you get the idea. So it is important that you identify the reason you broke up before making contact and then ask yourself "I'm I willing to change that?" You see even if you get back together that big reason is going to come up again. If your sure you won't be changing anything soon then don't waste your time or your exs by contacting them.