Hello All
We have been attempting to rais my 21 yo son from a previous mother for the last 3 years. The first time he moved in with us was to get his education finished and start moving forward with his life. He moved out in a day after my wife and me went to work only to move to Arizona where he had lived with his real mom. This lasted for a year only to run out of places to stay and money to live on. I went to pick him up there and move him back to Ca with the understanding he would get a job and finish his GED testing because he had dropped out of school to follow his girlfriend. He has just skimpped along doing the minimal and not following the rules we set up when he moved back in the second time. Now my point or question is last night he had told us he was going out with friends to a movie and we said no because he had not followed our rules and he had gone out the night before. Our rules are very simple 1 be a part of our home 2 no drinking allowed as he has a medical condition 3 be in the house when told to be not later. Last night he got into it with my wife and had a yelling match only because she said he could not go. I found this to be unacceptable and went to talk with him only to get the full wrath because he was not allowed to go our. As things heated up I finally had enough of him not respecting my wife nor me so I told him I was done and told him to leave. Now I fear I have done the wrong thing but he needs to learn it is not all gravey in this world we live in. If you have a second let me know if you would have done the same thing or how you would have handeled it differently.

21 is a bit old to be treated like a teenager, but rules, are rules, and respect, is respect.

Time for him to go feed ,cloth, and support himself.

A. He knew you few simple basic rules established
B. It is you and your wife's home
C. If he can't live up to what you expect he should be looking for the next gravy train.
D. As long as he has everything free and easy he will not try to do more than minimal.
E. I wouldn't let him move back in until you see positive changes.

At 21, he should really be on his own. It is your house, your rules. If he wants to live there, he should respect your rules or get his own place. If he doesn't abide by your rules, he needs to hussle and get his own place. You could not allow him to disrespect your wife in her own home. I think you did what you had to do.

At 18 I was still living at home but I had a car, I had a job, I paid for everything I needed, food, clothes, car, car insurance, cell phone. I only had a roof over my head because my dad supported the idea of me going to college. As soon as I was finished with college I was paying him rent and that was that. I don't know if your son has a job but if not he should get one. If he's using your car, limit the use of it to going out and filling out job applications and tell him that's all he can use it for. Just an idea.

I'm thinking it's a tad overly strict not to give a 21 year old a key to the house and freedom to come and go as frequently and as late as he likes. Staying employed while completing his studies, generally being part of the family by doing his share around the house and engaging in conversation (not become a stranger in your home) are reasonable requests. Respecting you and your wife should be a given.

You and your wife set the rules though, so what's acceptable or not is up to you.

It seems that your son doesn't have his priorties straight. I am 28 and I know if I ever had to live back home my mother would set rules and whatever rules she set I would've to follow it and if I can't then I would've to find some where else to live.

Your son must not realize how much important education is since he doesn't even go back to school to try to get his GED. He needs that and a college education. Maybe he needs to go some to job corps because some of them you can live at but he must want to go being that he's 21 and you can even take a trade. But even they have rules and if you disobey they would kick you out.

Regardless who your living with you should always have respect for that person and sometimes it's best not to do things out of anger.