OKay. Whew. Need to breathe for a second. This story is kind of long.

First let me give you a little background. I met my ex - wow, weird to say that for the first time - 3.5 years ago at a casino. I wasn't looking to meet anyone as I was about to move to Los Angeles. I was almost 23, and a virgin. We started talking because I kept seeing him up at the casino (He had just turned 21 and was hooked). We are 2 years apart, by the way for those that don't do math. Anyway so we started hanging out. I decided, since this was the first guy who has ever actively pursued me that I would have sex with him. 3 weeks later he told me he loved me. I then told him that I was going to postpone moving to LA because I was falling in love with him. About a month goes by and one night we get in a fight because he won't go out because he is too busy smoking weed and watching TV. I walk out. The next day he comes over and breaks up with me. I am heartbroken. He gave me a bunch of bull reasons including still thinking about his ex from over a year ago, etc. I told him fine and never to call me again. Of course I do the thing where I drive by his apartment, and his car is actually always there - he's not out finding someone new. I must tell you though that from day one I was No Contact. Couple weeks go by and he calls to "see how I am". I said how the hell do you think I am and told him to stop calling me. About a month goes by and another phone call to tell me that he spent the weekend having sex with his ex, but now it's over. I say great, thanks for the info stop calling. I am still heartbroken, lost 17 pounds by now. So there's really not a span of more than a month where I don't get a call. Finally about 5 months after the break up he calls and asks me to meet up with him and a friend at the bowling alley. I am over him by now. I go, we start hanging out. At this point I have made plans to leave for LA in 2 months, so I casually date him (no sex) and he knows I'm leaving.

I leave. I really have no problem with leaving him. I am in LA for about 2 weeks when he calls me to ask if I texted him. I said no. I do not miss him, and have not been calling him. Then my roommate who I moved there with suddenly moves out on me in the middle of the night without me knowing. I am shocked. I call him and I was crying. He keeps in touch with me and keeps telling me how he misses having me around. I write him a casual letter. He calls and leaves a message saying I am the cutest girl in the whole entire world and he loved my letter. LA is not going well. I call to tell him I am coming home. He does not seem the least bit surprised.

The night I get back into town he asks me to be his girlfriend. He says he wants to be serious about it this time and promises to be a great boyfriend. That is April 2006. He erases all girls' names from his phone and throws away all ex girlfriend pics for me. Time goes by, we fall back in love, he is a great boyfriend. We go on trips together, I become part of his very large family. They love me, as he is the problem child of the 6 they have. They think I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. He gets out of a gambling debt with my help, and quits smoking. He still smokes weed, however, and this is a problem for me. I tell him when we move in together it has to stop. He says OK. He always talks about the future with me and Christmas Eve 2007 proposes to me. He wants to get married right away.. my dad wants me to finish my teaching degree first. We set the date for May 30, 2009. We move in together this past March and get a puppy that we just adore. I am wedding planning and he is working and I am working to finish school. Then 2 weeks ago he starts being mean to me. I call him on it and he gets defensive. He says he doesn't want to talk about it. Then last Friday he calls me up and says he's ready to talk (I am at my mom's now because he is being so weird). He breaks up with me. He tells me he doesn't love me 100% and that is how he should love his wife. He did love me when he proposed. He claims he has always had a little doubt in his mind, though. He is not ready for marriage. He asks for the ring back ($5,000 ring, btw), keeps our puppy and I move out that night. The next day he is very casual sounding on the phone as we straighten the lease out. He keeps wanting to call the next day, though. Finally on Tuesday I say this will be our last conversation. I tell him I love him and I respect his decision though I don't agree with it. Even if we weren't getting married we should still be together. I am NC since Tuesday and told him not to contact me unless he wakes up one day and his heart tells him that he needs to call.

A couple of background things to know:
We were best friends, hardly fought, spent all our time together and had fun.
There is absolutely no chance there is another girl. He works at an all-male company and calls me 10 times a day then comes straight home. I am always with him and he swears there is no one else. I believe that 100% -that is not what's going on for sure.
Our sex life kind of sucks. I had to have procedure on my cervix last year and then had to go 2 months without sex. I kind of got used to it and then when we had sex it would hurt. I was actively trying right when he broke up with me to have more sex. I always gave him oral or a hand job, though, it's not like I never touched him.
He has a ty job. He went to a prestigious high school in our town but quit college after a semester. Then he went to paramedic school and quit that with 3 months left before he was to graduate. He is a laborer for a pool company and makes about 35k a year. He has been supporting us but we can hardly ever spend money on anything other than food and I am still in school.
All other 5 kids in his family finished college. His 2 older brothers are both GMs at a hotel chain, do very well.
We have been to 2 weddings in the past 6 months. Each one he drank heavily at and started to cry because he starts to talk with his brothers and is so ashamed he doesn't make any money. The last wedding was that of his closest brother. It was 3 weeks ago. He cried at it again and told me in the hotel room while wasted that all he wants to be able to do is take care of his family.
The day we got back from the wedding was the day he started being mean to me. He claims this has nothing to do with his brother's wedding and that I am just not the one for him. It is all so sudden and insane. Everyone is shocked, though I have no idea what his family is saying because they have not contacted me. I told him he is making a huge mistake and he said that if he is this is too big and he won't take this decision back. Any other story I read on here about a break up there is something majorly wrong with the relationship. There was nothing majorly wrong here. It's like he just freaked the out. He says he doesn't want to hurt me, so why is he? I feel like my entire future I envisioned for myself is gone. I am just devastated but I am doing NC and letting him go figure out if he can really be without me. I just don't see how he can. He has like one friend and he's a self-proclaimed homebody. I was his only friend, really. I loved him and still do love him and I am so sad and confused right now I don't even know what to tell myself. He says he doesn't love me, but there's no way he could have been acting that whole time. I am very perceptive - I was able to pick up on his being mean to me for no reason these past 2 weeks, though it was quite subtle - he was happy with me, and I know that he loves me. Unfortunately all I do now is lay around waiting for that call that says he made a mistake. How can he live in our apartment, with our dog that we adore, and be without me?? How can anyone do this, I don't get it? I mean I have heard of cold feet, and maybe we weren't ready to get married quite yet, but to just throw the past 3.5 years away? To remove me from the family? I am in the family photo for Christ's sake.

Obviously there are other little details but this is the jist. Has anyone ever heard of something like this where I will just never hear from him again? I can't even tell myself this is real right now.

By the way, it is *he has a TY job*

Omg okay he has a *bad job*.. is that okay to say?

Ok girl

First of all.. everything was RUSHED wayyy too much. I mean damn.

Secondly

Forget this guy. Stop hurting yourself over soemone who just used you.

You are worth more than that.

Reading this its obvious you two didn't have the skills, or commitment, to work at a healthy relationship.

Move on, and grow into a new, better, healthier life, as this disaster should be a learning experience to you, so you don't rush into sex, and playing house again.

That's the fairest warning I can give you.

I agree with Tal, just move on, way too many issues.. he has.. and a lot of problems.. You don't need his problems. Think more of yourself...

My fiancé broke up with me 2 weeks ago. He decided he could not marry me because in all our time together I have never been able to hold a job and, well, I kind of hardly ever had sex with him. So okay - he never really communicated these were big issues until the break up, but I guess I should have taken his complaints as a hint he wasn't happy.
So I managed to get to his place tonight to talk to him and tell him I promise I will change. (And I will). We agree we are not ready to marry yet so the engagement is definitely off, but it seems as if he is willing to start over with me in a serious relationship. Here are my questions: Did he really have a good reason to break my heart and break off an engagement? If this was legit, should I try again with him, even knowing how he hurt me? (Keep in mind our relationship was great other than the fact there was no sex and he kind of ended up taking care of me financially because I didn't work). Okay, I think I already know the answer to my questions now that I am really laying it all out there. Lol. But he did break my heart.

Dumped 10 days ago --- he called off the engagement. Told him to never call me unless he realized he made a mistake. Never heard from his so called him today and we started talking and I said I'd rather talk to him in person. He was VERY hesitant but finally let me come over. I looked very cute for sure, we talked, and now he wants to try again. Gosh, what would have happened had I just cut him out of my life? NC is good but sometimes you just know you are meant to be with someone.

So you take him back? And then if we say. No it was not the right reason

Are you going to leave him? And say you know what. Sod you!

Like you don't break up with me. I break up with you! Pride thing?


Well. He should have probable talked with you a bit about the issues before the word marriage was even brought up!

Sex is not everything in a relationship
But! Talking.. Hey that's the mother right there!

You guys should talk a lot more about your feelings and problems

Try to get them before they come to big and the other partner is like what the hell?
When the other one blows up!

Your back with him now

Work at this with him. And try to get talking more.

If you are pisst off with him that he dumped you.
You tell him. Go hey! You should have told me so we could have worked this out together

Get that off your chest ;) you seem like you want to.

Other than that I wish you all the best!

May the 2nd time be the charm

YES, his reasoning was more than legit. You should be very thankful that he is willing to start over and give you another chance. It sounds to me like you were in a relationship that you thought was good, but may not have been so good for him. Would you want to marry someone that you couldn't count on to hold a steady job? Think about if you were to buy a house and pay a mortgage based on two salaries instead of one... and then you lose your job or leave your job... well then you are screwed, and not only are you screwed, but he is as well, and he was holding up his end of the bargain. He wants to marry you and build a life WITH you not FOR you. It sounds like you are very selfish in this relationship, and my intentions are not to insult you, but seriously, you need to reconsider the way you are going about things.

As for the sex, I think you should have taken the hints. This seems to be something that important to him and this is an issue that needs to be addressed. Once again, your actions seem very selfish.

Now, as for him not mentioning any of this before the break up... well, he did mention it and it sounds like he did many times. If your heart is in this relationship, then you should have been able to pick up on that being an issue easily. It sounds like you haven't really been paying much attention to the relationship and have been taking what you have for granted. The point of a relationship, is to give your all. You learn about your partner, so that you can pick up on hints like those. You pay attention to what they like and don't like so that you know ahead of time. You go out of your way to do surprises for them, showing that you are actually listening and paying attention to the things that they like. You do things to keep it exciting and show that you love him. Especially with the fact that he is the one that seems to be holding a job, you need to realize, that you are contributing very little to the relationship then. What would make him NEED you around anymore? He could go and find someone else that would be contributing just as much as he is.

So, now that you have this chance, you need to get yourself together, find a job and stick with it. You need to make yourself a contributor to the relationship.

You all are very right. I did take him for granted. Luckily he was willing to listen to all I had to say and what I've realized. He is the only man I have ever had sex with, so I guess I just really didn't know how important sex is in a relationship. And I am actively pursuing a job right now. At first I really thought he didn't love me because he was able to hurt me like this... but the truth of the matter is, he loved me when he proposed, but I made him fall out of love with me with my actions. I do realize this and am soooooo grateful that he is willing to give me another chance. We are taking it slow now, which is going to be weird going from living together planning a wedding to living apart and dating. But whatever! I have my man back and I will show him how appreciative I am!

Well it's a good thing that you realize that and that you realize what you need to do from here on out.

You are a very fortunate person, because so many people on here wish that they could have the opportunity to give it another shot... so perhaps you can remind yourself of this everyday, that you are one of the few that is getting a second chance. Good luck!

=) well I always knew I had a keeper
That's why I fought so hard
I would suggest anyone on here to read Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People"
Even if you can't change their minds, most of the time you can at least get a foot in the door with some of his tactics

The rule normally is that he should contact you since its his decision to break it off. Now you still don't know if he WANTS you back , or that the fact that you were just convenitnely there asking him was the dealbreaker...

Hate to rain on your parade but when you contact the one who breaks up with you to come back puts you in the submissive position, not good.

Hope it works out though! Would be another happy ending for the board\ :)

Well, he allowed me to come over and talk to him which was WAY more than I thought he would ever do, so something is saying he was missing the hell out of me.

Let's be perfectly clear here.

NC is NOT a "tool" to be used to get somebody back. It is used as a shield to protect your pride and your dignity. You wouldn't go back and talk to someone who literally stabbed you, right?

No Contact is used to heal yourself, better yourself, not as a game to make someone miss you.

I hope things work out for you! If he pulls this again, it's time to go into healing and stop talking to him though in my opinion.

Yeah. Well I kind of HAD to contact him because the reason he broke off the engagement is I basically always refused to have sex with him and he couldn't deal with it. That and I didn't have a job and was living off him. But I'm getting a job now and willing to have sex. I had to let him know. I think he's glad that I did.

No communications, no relationship.
Hard to work together without talking and listening.
Good luck

and willing to have sex.

Willing today, doesn't mean willing in a year.

Good luck to you.

Did you ever stop to ask yourself why you refused sex? Do you even want to be with him?

I'm just not all that into sex.. it's just me. But I'll get into it.

Yea that's a shame.. hope it all works out for you

If you aren't into sex, you won't just get into it because he is willing to leave you over the issue.

This is a temporary solution to a deeper problem, good luck, but you will find yourself in the same situation in a couple months. Him frustrated and you not wanting sex... this will become your cycle until it is broken or you are with a more compatible partner.

yeah. Well I kind of HAD to contact him because the reason he broke off the engagement is I basically always refused to have sex with him and he couldn't deal with it.


He couldn't deal with not having sex?? So, he agreed to work on the relationship because you agreed to have sex??

So, basically, you're agreeing to let him use your body even though you don't want him to?


that and I didn't have a job and was living off him. But I'm getting a job now and willing to have sex. I had to let him know. I think he's glad that I did.


Of course, he's glad you did. That means he can have sex with you (even though you don't want to)...

This doesn't sound all that healthy...

We can only wait, and see if this works or not. I hope it does.

No sex, and not holding a job, are deal breakers, but since you have made a change, and are trying again, I wish you luck.

If this change is not to improve yourself, and your just doing it to get him back, I doubt you can make it last very long.

There is something about changing to keep some one that may not be a healthy solution.

Hey,

I'm going to look at this from a different point of view I suppose, and it's just my opinion.

I feel like if he knew you had trouble holding a job this whole time you were together, and knew you weren't having sex that much the whole time, then this should have been talked out prior to a break up, I feel that's a little drastic. I just feel like you shouldn't have to change who someone was, my ex was a very intelligent young woman and very goal-oriented but if she told me she was going to be a hobo and live off liquor for the rest of her life, I would do my best to influence her to change that, but I'd still love her to death.

You changing... eh, realistically hard to do in such a short period but, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and say you can do it, but please don't change for 2 weeks and go right back to where you were, some of us wish and pray for a chance with our ex everyday and night, your getting one, don't disappoint. Go the extra mile for this person you love, and if your struggling one night with it, contact us on here! And/or talk to to him about it! He needs to listen!

Take Care,
LCM

Okay I know what you are all thinking... HELL NO. But...

The main reason he called off our engagement is because we never had sex and I hardly ever let him touch me. (I just really got in a rut). We are talking about it now and the other night I gave him a really sexy blowjob after talking for a while. He loved it, and acted as if he wanted me back, but he still is not ready. Should I keep showing him that I am capable of having good sex, if I promise to follow through with keeping it up should we ever get back together? I mean, this IS the reason we are apart, so I feel the only way to possibly get him back is to show him I am willing to have good sex.

Did you enjoy sex, too, or was it single-sided? You should go further if you enjoyed and not if not.

It takes two people to have good sex. And sex is not the most important thing in a relationship
But for some young couples

Its all there is.

So you have to ask yourself
Can you keep up with his sex?
Do you even like having sex that much
Because there are people that just don't.
And there is nothing wrong with that.

We are all made different.

I would talk with him. Tell him your feelings. Say that you want to give it another go

If she says OK..
Great

If he says he is unsure and all that crap
Then let him go
You should not have to BEG anyone

If you are only getting back together for the sex, then be sex buddies, don't get married,

You should be able to get married and never have had sex before, it sounds like he was calling your bluff trying to force you to have sex. **** either have sex or the marriage is off****

Personally I would run a far away from a guy like that and find one that will have emotional, and friendship and other reasons to marry and would have waited till you were married, or at least both agreed.

You don't win life partners with just good sex. I think your on your way to being used at this point.

It gives me hope that NC isn't always the way-especially when there are still very strong feelings for each other. Not every break up is the same.

I'm a bit cynical... and heck of a lot jaded... so bare with me.

Well, also, I'm a bit hesitant to say that this was a "success" story because you guys didn't work anything out. Nothing really changed. You didn't talk to him for 10 days... then got together again.

Also, the issue was that you wouldn't have sex? So he broke off the engagement.. Were you going to have sex after you two got married? I feel that sex wasn't the only issue here... he was willing to marry you knowing about your hesitance towards sex, but then broke it off?

I really do hope the best for you, but my $0.02 is that you're putting a band-aid over a gunshot wound. It's a temporary fix. You may be willing to "have sex" now... but last I checked, marriages last a while, and you may have to "have sex" for a long... long.. time.

Question: Why are you not in to having sex? Is it the sex you not into or you not into having sex with him?

I can almost guarantee he will be gone in another 10 days when things get back to normal

All threads merged for clarity

The OP hasn.t been back since Dec 6