Hello,

Ive been on this site for a couple of days now, just reading the many post that sound so much like mine. So I decided to share my story as well.

I am 29 yo and my stbxw is 25 we were together for 10 years married for 5 out of those 10.
We have a young 2 yo boy together which is my life. We met very young right after high school I was her first real boyfriend and she was my first real girlfriend. Our relationship was not the greatest but it was not the worst. We fought some times like everyone else. I think it had to do with our communication skills, I for one have a hard time showing emotions and she is very open about everything. Within the last year we have been very distant from each other, this march is when she dropped the whole I need space thing and if we were meant to be we will be in the future. Anyway I left the apartment we used to share and went to live with my mother... what a change in worlds when this happens.. During the first 2 months we were not speaking at all only regarding our son...

Around the 3rd month of nc she starts to ask me if I want to be friends and hangout like a family like we used to, I agreed and we have been seeing each other once a week to do something for our child and are constantly on the phone talking about each others live's work etc..

Now my question is... every time I hang out with her I still went home alone and it killed every time I used to go to square one every single time...

So today I told her that I think it was best that we stop seeing each other because I cannot handle the torture anymore... I basically said we cannot hang out or talk to each other anymore unless it has to do about our B...

Here's the thing instead of her asking why or trying to stop it from happening she just agreed with the whole thing... Her words "Good luck in life i wish nothing but the best for
you" I torn between 2 feelings right now...

Im stuck thinking did I just mess up my chance of being with my wife and child again

And thinking wow was she just stringing me along for the last couple of months with no intention of really giving our family a second chance...

You guys have the best advice as I am in need of some right now...

I think she has pretty well made up her mind that this is over and never had any intentions of getting back with you but was happy to be your friend.

On the other hand you seem to still have feelings for her that are beyond friendship and that's why it hurts when she doesn't express the same feelings.

I suggest still talking to her but only about your child when necessary , your not properly over her so aren't ready to be in the friend zone just yet.

Ok this is the thing now she just text me saying that she has not stopped crying since I told her that... she said that she heard our wedding song on the radio and could not help but to text me and tell me how much she was crying...

I ignored the text... So she said thanks for giving a f... and wanted to know if we were still exchanging Christmas gifts...

I don't know

Try COMMUNICATION and seeing what she is feeling. She seemed to be making an effort, is she stubborn by any chance?

I think you were on a path to develop a level of communications you never had before. For whatever reason you couldn't handle it, and when she didn't beg you to keep going... You quit.

Look guy you are tied to this female for a long time, and should never stop anything that promotes good relations, as a parent, and friend, for your sons sake, if nothing else.

Get your a$$ back on that path, and keep learning to cope with your feelings, and do the family things, through caring, communications and dedication.

This is far from over, so how dare you quit, because you can't handle your own emotions.

Just got off the phone with her and basically told her that I made a mistake in the choice I made. I told her that if she would like to continue seeing each other from time to time with our son that it would be nice... I also told her to continue to call me if she needs someone to talk to...

Her response was I don't know... because she is upset the way I approached her about it..

This is driving me crazy she will be here in 1 hour to drop off B... I am going to try and establish our communication once more... see what happens

Also about the stubborn issue... she is very very very stubborn

Let her be. Have fun with your son, and be patient, with yourself.

Sorry to be harsh, its just sitting on the pity pot is a pet peeve of mine, and prefer positive action, when faced with a dilemma.

I would never quit on my family, or myself, and I think your relationship benefits greatly, by you communicating, and not quitting on yourself.

I think your wife wanting space was a wake up call, not the end. I also suspect she is watching you carefully. Put your best into this. You have much to learn, and skills to develop.

Thanks for the advise... well we just finished the exchange of our son and the conversation went well... We both agreed that it was best that we continue to hang out together for our son... also to keep speaking on the phone as well...

We spoke about her job and other stuff in our life...


I have a question to ask...

I was thinking since we married young and never really experienced the world without one another could this be what she is looking for... Can a person woman or man be willing to split a family apart to pursue this curiosity... All her friends are single and "live the life" and I can't stop thinking that she thinks she missed out on all of that...

As for me I will hope for the best but prepare for the worst.. I am taking classes again now that I have some free time also going to join a gym...

Sorry for rant but I also have another big fear... I came from a broken home no father... and it kills me to think that one day another man will be a father figure to my son... I know there are a lot of great men out there and she is smart enough not to bring the wrong man in our sons life... its just the whole idea just seems so wrong...

So should I just lay low and let her contact me after this situation we went through...

Thanks

Ok I agreed with friend, but on reading the other posts I'd have to say I agree with Tal. I also think it's a good idea to let her contact you- as long as you've made her feel comfortable in doing so.

Your fears will create many obstacles for you if you don't learn to manage them better. No one can predict the future and no one can reassure you about what will happen with your situation. You should spend less energy trying to find answers than don't exist and spend more energy on bettering yourself, in every aspect (which from your post I believe you are trying to do with classes and joining a gym etc.) If you two end up back together, you will be an improved partner and if you don't, you will be an improved individual for the benefit or yourself and another potential woman. Focus on what you can control.

She has been acting very distant since I mentioned this to her... she will not call anymore like she used to... she will only text to see how the be is doing...

I know everyone says step up and be a man and live your life... but man does this hurt..

Last night I had a dream that she finally told me she was seeing someone else and I woke up crying like a baby... wow Ive never felt pain like this before... I cannot wait till till I don't feel like this anymore...

I actually had to deal with the "I am seeing someone else" line. It hurts, unlike anything I have ever felt. Actually, she was with this guy at the same place when I was out celebrating my birthday. It takes a long time to get over this, and a lot of tears and emotions will fall in between. You just got to remember that life goes on and you have to get up and face it, no matter what. I feel for your pain man!

I have another question...

She gets mad with me if I don't pick up the phone even if I don't have our son, she is always asking me if I am seeing someone.

Today she came to pick up our son and she thought I had a hickey on my neck.. lol Im 29 I was just itching my neck..

So she texted me that she couldn't believe I had that on me..
And she called twice I know its for that purpose.. I haven't picked up..

Why would she ask all these questions and be concerned if she doesn't want to be with me..

I don't understand

Should I take my ex wife and son to dinner tonight so that we can eat a thanks giving dinner as a family since we will be away from each other tomorrow...

If you need a briefing on what I'm going through read


This... https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/7-months-later-back-square-1-a-280233.html

You are definitely in a tough situation.

I think that it is time for you and your ex-wife to stop playing games with each other and agree to go to couples counseling and work it out or start taking some co-parenting classes and learn your boundaries for a healthy life apart.

Your whole adult lives have been focused on each other and your child together either you want to work it out or you don't but you need to decide that first so that you can both properly deal with your boundaries. And that is a decision that you both need to sit down and discuss.

Even if she hates you, she will still get jealous, so don't be confused by the ways of a female, and don't read anything into it. That will drive you NUTS!

Came across this to late, and am curious what went down.

Came across this to late, and am curious what went down.

It never went down we were supposed to eat breakfast yesterday but I over slept and never heard the alarm clock... lol.

Well I got an ear full yesterday.. she basically was saying thanks for ruining her holiday and that I pretty much messed up all the "process I was making in changing to be a better person" and that I will never change and how much I hurt her.. That I don't see the bigger picture.. etc

And then she calls me Today to tell me how much more stuff she bought me today on black Friday for christmas... And basically just acting like yesterday never happened...

Women are hard to read...

Tell me about it, and I stopped trying a long time ago!

And then she calls me Today to tell me how much more stuff she bought me today on black friday for christmas...And basically just acting like yesterday never happened...

Women are hard to read....

Maybe she realized she over reacted and this is her way of saying she's sorry.

I agree with ZoeMarie, sounds like a small apology.

Either way when she is nice, appreciate it, just like the weather, things can change real fast.

We went out today to do some Christmas shopping for our son...
She is always asking if I have a girlfriend and questions in that sense and I don't think nothing of it..

So she is going away for a couple of days on a mini vacay... And jokingly I said Oh your going on a vacation with your new boyfriend..

She exploded... lol Saying I will never change... She loves me so much but I just keep pushing her away and there is nothing that I do that is pulling her back in... why is it OK for her to say it then... I also made the mistake of interrupting her half through a sentence and she said that's why we will never be together "because I dont listen"... She says this a lot...

I swear Im starting to think that its not me... I feel like I have to walk on a tight rope when Im around her...

She says I should think before I speak...

She hates my family... She thinks when we were together I choose my family over her.. I never stuck up for her or us against my family... I can't defend myself because she would say... oh is that your family putting that in your head...

I keep hearing the same sentence over and over...

"I love you so much and would do anything for you but I can't forget and let go of the past thats why Im always mad"

I love this women to death... But Im starting to tell myself.

I think she hates me... lmao

I swear if I can get past the fact of her being with another I person I would get through this a lot easier... I know its selfish
And an ego thing... But Im stuck on that...

What's makes me so mad is that Im constantly feeling... Oh did I just screw up the chances... should I have said this, maybe I shouldn't have said that.. or maybe I couldve did this...

Also she is constantly saying the reason she is also mad is because she felt she invested so much time in us and got screwed in the end.. I tell you I never cheated never hit her wasn't a drug addict worked to pay the bills... worked to put her in her new career... I don't regret it just putting it out there.. The only thing I'm guilty of is letting the marriage go stale.. Didnt go out with her as much as we did and that sort of thing... but that is easily fixable... I take full responsibility for that one...

Maybe I will never change...

Maybe I need to read more of your posts but how does she figure she got screwed in the end?

maybe I need to read more of your posts but how does she figure she got screwed in the end?

Because she feels that Im the reason she is a single mother and has to do everything on her on now... Basically saying Im the reason she is in the S%$# circumstance she is in now...

Have you sat down and discussed what the intent is now? Are you trying to work this marriage out or are you trying to find a way to work together for your son and go your separate ways?

It sounds like you are both on different pages, you have to know what your effort is before you can make this relationship healthy.

My ex wife came over today to drop off my son... She brought food to cook breakfast...
I helped her make breakfast and we enjoyed a meal together with our son.

So we hung out for the remaining of the morning laughed and everything. I tried to get a kiss out of her but she says she feels uncomfortable. She had no problem showing me affection a month ago..

Anyway she says she has to go... I ask her to stay maybe we can go do something with our son.. but she said she has stuff to do... She usually tells me in detail about what she does but this time it felt weird.. I know its none of my business but it just felt weird..

She told me that we need to take our new relationship very slow..

I don't know if I'm looking too much into it but I believe she might have a new interest..
I tried to rub her hair and she was more worried about me messing up her hairdo before she left than to receive the affection.. And just the fact that she will not let me touch her or giver her any form of affection anymore.. We been apart for 8 months and been messing around till last month..

Am I right or am I looking for something to blame her for

Are you working things out or seeing other people?

If you can't explain the status of where the relationship is, it is very difficult to assist. The answer depends on what you are both trying to accomplish. It is clear your intent is to mend your relationship, but it isn't clear if that is her intent. She sounds like she is uncertain.

I am not seeing anyone...

I would love to mend the relationship but she does not want to.. If not we would be together I think.. She keeps saying she loves me to death but cannot be with me right now maybe and if in the future if we can work on our friendship first..

I am trying my hardest but I'm starting to think I'm getting screwed here...

Remember she's 25 and I am the only man she has ever been with..
And she also thrown this in the air.. "You had your 15 minutes before you met me"

I think with her statement of not wanting to work this out at this time, you HAVE TO try and move on from this. I understand you have a child together and this is very difficult for you. This reason you are having so many mixed emotions is you are not on the same page with where the relationship is at.

She will always love you, you are her first love, but she is telling you that at this time she doesn't want to be with you like that anymore. You have to move on with your life like this relationship will not work out. You have to remain in contact for your child, but you have to ensure that contact is ONLY ABOUT YOUR CHILD. You have to stop idolizing the fact that this will work out in the end. Than if it does you are in for a pleasant surprise but if it doesn't you have deal with the grief and are in a better place for your child.

This all so terribly sad...for this young boy helplessly sitting around, waiting for the sky to fall around him because his parents choose not to act like the grown ups that they are. Firsttimedumped - I'm sorry for the harshness and believe me when I tell you that I understand the pain that you feel, I know it's very real. But, I also know that you are throwing away the opportunity put before you to redeem your family. Marriage is for better or for worse, right? Even when your spouse is stubborn, even when your spouse is immature, even when your spouse hurts your feelings. You say you got married very young, she was one of your first real girlfriends and you were one of hers but you're not in your teens anymore. We can't keep looking at things as though we were still in the same place because we're not. Life goes on, we grow up (hopefully) and we roll with the punches and enjoy the fruits of our labor. We have to accept that there are just some things we can't change. You married young, you didn't get to live life, explore, discover the world and other people...so what! That is spilled milk. You can't go back and unspill it. So glass half empty. But remember instead your glass is half full, you have a beautiful son and a potential family that can wind up more beautiful and meaningful than you ever imagined. Marriage is work and lots of it. Marriage is about grace, forgiving even when they don't deserve it, the way God has grace on us. It's patient, it's kind. People have a tendency to allow other people's actions to dictate their own. For example, you say she said she was unsure as to whether or not she wanted to take you back yet she shows jealousy and suspicion and wants to know where you are all the time, so, that frustrates you right? To feel frustration is normal, what you do with that feeling is entirely different. Don't let that frustration dictate what to do. Instead, stop, take a breather, acknowledge TO YOURSELF and ONLY TO YOURSELF that she's being unreasonable and realize that her feelings are probably stemming from insecurity, so instead show compassion and love. Easier said than done, I know, but so is brushing your teeth or combing your hair. For the sake of your son, forget about you for a moment, forget about that tendency to say, well, what about my happiness and put him first. If you feel anger or resentment toward your wife (cause she is still your wife, stop calling her your ex) don't show it, if you're confused, pray about it and wait on an answer, if you feel hopeless, don't, things are not all lost yet. You have total control over what you do or say, even if it's difficult and hurtful to be the good guy, the strong guy, do so in a loving way. Your wife will see that, she may not say anything about it at first, but she will see it. Be consistent, nothing grows distrust more than being flip-floppy with your love and effort to change. Don't be so quick to point out to her what she's doing wrong, instead stop and ask yourself, how did I contribute to this? I don't know if you've tried acknowledging to your wife that you realize how much it hurt your marriage to not communicate and really want to share and hear her and tell her how sorry you are and how much you want it to change. It's not too late, you need to hang tough and focus on the prize because marriage and family was never meant to be disposable. If you can, take your wife out to the movies to see "Fireproof", we've needed a movie like that for a long time. If you can't find it near you, it will be out on DVD January 26th! God bless you and give you an extra portion of His wisdom.

I know.. But its so hard I have never been through this before and I am so afraid of losing my marriage...

I know what your saying we hang out and she leaves OK because she feels we have a good friendship and I leave hurt because I want more. Ive brought up nc to her before and she told me she was crying a lot when I told her.. but I think I have to do it this time and mean it..

Maybe she does need to meet other men to appreciate who I am as a person... but I refuse to be there when and if she does realize that I don't think that is fair at all.. im really big on the whole loyalty thing...

Ive never felt pain like this in the whole 28 years of my life and just want it to go away..

Also she really thinks of me as a friend because she tells me about how other men are always hitting on her and try to be with her and tells me it gives her an ego boost... how do you care about someone but then say something like that.. does she not realize that crushes me inside or does she just not care... 8 months later and I still can't get over her and I know its because we still hang out...

So how do make the change from trying to giving up.. I don't know

I hate to hear your story, it is so painful and I understand how difficult the situation is. We have all been through it but we all try to avoid going through it also. What you are doing right now is not facing it, cause that is less painful, but you are actually causing yourself more pain this way and definitely more confusion.

Sounds to me like she is feeling selfish, she wants attention because she married and settled down so young and now she regrets that choice. It is not your fault, but you are the one paying for it. You need to let her have her time, deal with what you can handle later, if it happens.

You need to reinforce a NC order, it is extremely painful, but she is playing games because she is confused and you are going to have to stand up for yourself in order to get yourself better. Maybe enforcing the NC will help her to realize that although the attention is flattering, having the man she married and loves in her life is more important, but you have to face a life without her as your partner. If you can't you will end up enemies because your hurt will turn into anger and bitterness.

Thanks for taking the time to give me advice...

She is being very selfish because she gets very jealous if she even thinks that I might be spending time with another female.

Ok so Should I start doing the nc without her knowing and turning down invitations to get together or should I just come straight out and tell her to stop calling me unless its for our son and that we cannot hang out anymore..

I would talk to her but you need to seriously sit down and talk. Give her notice that you would like to get together so that she can prepare. Make time when your son is not there/in bed so that the conversation can be handled with complete attention and I would tell her everything, lay it all out on the line.

You are not on the same page, you want to work it out, she wants to experience new things, but that a "friendship" can't work when you have two very different goals. That you love her too much to be in the middle and you definitely don't want your son in the middle or to end up hurt and angry.

Thanks will do

I just have one more question how do I accept the fact that she will be intimate with someone else. That part is the worst every time it crosses my mind I almost start to cry and it hurts to all hell..

There will not be anything you can do about that, but I HIGHLY suggest not thinking about it. Right now, just worry about you, you can't worry about what she is doing. As far as you know she will never be intimate with anyone else. Don't drive yourself paranoid worrying about something you can't control.

The break up of a marriage, is not like a dating relationship, especially where there are kids concerned. Actually your tied at the hip for years, until that child grows, and goes.

The only way it works for you both, is if the focus is on giving the children all the love you can, and work together on it. As a dad, you HAVE to be friendly with your ex, but smart enough to communicate the need to heal, and be whole yourself. You need stability as does she.

You both have to define new boundaries of behavior to survive, and be healthy, so stop the flirting, but just be a respectful partner, and get to the business of raising your kid together.

That means don't let her talk to you like a girlfriend. That alone will help you get through this difficult time, and allow you to at least put your life in order with out her.

I know your hurting, she is to, but its time to stand up for your own rights, and don't just go along with her program, that keeps you miserable. Thats not fair is it?? She can have a social life apart from you, and you can't?

Get busy with yourself, while your being the good dad! Make sure you have time for yourself, and make the most of it.

This is funny but I usually think about my ex after I eat is that strange...

Not doing much better with this are you? A good step would be to talk about/obsess about something else right now. Anything else you can chat about that isn't involving her? Talk about your son, anything new he is doing? Learning? Saying?

Which one??

Answering questions with a question?

How many are there?

It's so nice when you DON'T think about them anymore, just a memory without the pain or anger.

Im trying really hard to tell her how I feel and tell her I understand the mistakes I made in the past. I truly do understand I was too controlling and jealous and that pushed her so far away I don't think she can recover from it.

She called yesterday to tell me that she does not see us getting together again she doesn't she herself "falling in love with me again". She loves me as a person and a friend. Telling me that if I wanted to date other people she could not get mad because she doesn't expect me to wait around for her forever.

It is really hard to take her out our schedules never match up she gets out of work very late and I have to be up very earlier. We did go see the movie fireproof and I even bought the book.

She also tells me she wants to remain very good friends and that we shouldn't have any resentment against one another.. Because when the day comes that she gets involved with someone she does not want me to hate her or do anything drastic.. I won't I know all my actions will have a influence on my son.

I am still having a very hard time getting through this and I think it is because I still have hope. I love this woman with everything I have. No she isn't perfect but she's just right for me. I don't know what to do. I try to go out I try to talk to people nothing works. I can't afford to see a counselor.

There are women that want to date me but I don't feel comfortable with it.

I think about her most of the day everyday and its about to be 9 months separated. I wish I can get my head out of my a$$ and figure this out but I have no idea what to do.

I wish I knew what to say or what to do to get my wife to fall in love with me again like she used to like we used to.

Its selfish but just the thought of another man being a fatherly influence in my sons life burns me up inside..

I don't know I'm still stuck and can't figure out how to let go and get away

I sent this email to my Wife today.. Was it wrong


I am writing this email to let you know how I feel about you, us as I feel I express my feelings better with written words. Let me start by saying that I truly understand the reason you wanted to be separated, I was way to controlling way to jealous never appreciated you and took you for granted. I never showed you any form of affection and love and I think about it now and I hate myself for it. You deserved much more than what I was offering. I can't imagine the pain and the loneliness you were feeling during those times and I truly apologize.

It was like we were living together but not married more like friends. I never held my weight around the house and always put everyone in front of my family. I was so far up my friends and more concerned about drinking beers and playing video games than I was about showing you love and spending quality time with us. I look back and say maybe if I would've took out my family over here instead of staying home and doing this or just spending time with you at night on the couch just watching a movie something as small as that I was not able to do.

There is no way that I can take the past away and there is nothing that I can do to make your feelings of hurt and disappointment in me go away. All I can do is learn from my mistakes and I have, I guess the saying is right you never know what you have till its gone. I realize that everything I ever wanted in life was right in front of me. A beautiful wife and son that gave me there unconditional love who loved me for who I was. You someone who cared for me more than anyone in my life who stood by my side through the worst and the best. I remember first moving into the apartment and having to sleep on the floor because we didn't even have furniture or a bed, but did you leave NO! You stood right there and tried to make the best of what we had.

You were always like that so optimistic the glass was always half full in your eyes and I loved you for that because it kept us balanced. I was always the one that was thinking the opposite but you were always like don't worry we will get through this, and we always did. Nothing couldve brought your spirit down and that's why I hate to see you in this state right now.

You blessed me with a wonderful son and even during the pregnancy I was still an ungrateful bastard. I will never forgive myself for that one. I will never let that happen in my life again. I have learned so much from this serparation I finally realize that people need to be treated with respect they need to feel appreciated and they need to be treated with love. None of which I was offering to you.

I do not and will never hate you for making the decision that you made. I look back at it and you had to there was no way that you could have stood in that sort of relationship and continued to be treated the way you were. It was way too unhealthy and you deserve way much more.

I love you with all my heart and am very sorry for the heartache and the pain I put you in within the last couple of years. This is in no way an attempt to reconcile what we once had, but more of a plea for forgiveness as one person to another.

I will never forget you and I will love you forever. The time we spent together is a huge chapter in my life. I learned how to be a mature person. Learned what was right and wrong I learned so much from you and I appreciate it you did more for me than anyone and still continue to do so.

I wouldn't say your perfect lol... But you were everything in my eyes

I would defitnetly change plenty if I could but I can't all I can do is try to make it up to you through our friendship.

So I wish you nothing but the best in your future and may you be blessed with everything you wish for.

Again Im Sorry for being such an AHOLE!!

My question is what do you expect to get out of this? I understand that you want to get things off your chest, but what exactly do you think this will do?

Your words are empty right now, they really are. I know you are emotional and you want so bad to change the past, but you will NEVER change what has been done, and you acknowledge that. Quit saying what you are going to do, and just do it. Actions speak louder than words. Time to walk the walk, and let your actions speak for themselves.

Time to leave the ladies alone, all of them, and rebuild your own life, with out depending on them, to be happy.

If you leave them alone, you can be focused on your own feelings, and thoughts, and form a plan of action for your own self.

It sucks and hurts really bad, we all get that. Get busy.

Let me start by saying it does get better for everyone going through what I went through 10 months ago. I can breath,eat, sleep, have fun more than I ever thought I would.

Don't get me wrong I still think of her and wish sometimes, but far from how much I use to.

She came to drop off our S today gave me the only attitude then left... Before I would have chased her down the block to see what was wrong now Im like OK what was that for.

She then called me later in the day to tell me something good that happened to her.. I told her it doesn't work like that.. she can't give me attitude then expect me to sit there and listen to something great that happened her because she needs to tell someone.. If its going to be civil between us then it should 2 sided

I would have never done that 6 months ago I would have been all ears like yeah congrats oh man Im so happy... lol Its funny knock her off her high horse a little..

Well just trying to vent a little... I still have a ways to go.. but wow what a difference

She cannot talk or communicate when something comes up... its always you know what forget it then..


Well YOU know what, I'm starting to say f@#$ it...

Time heals. Stay strong. Be good to yourself.

Glad to hear you are doing better. I hope I feel that way soon. I am working on month 4 for myself. It is better, but she still pops in my head fairly regularly, but it is not as intense as it was before.

Great Job. It's good to read some good news from people who have made it through.

Glad to see you are coming along very nicely! Told you it just takes time, sadly it's the one thing that takes the longest

Doesn't it feel good to stand up for yourself? It's an amazing feeling and I've been trying that a lot more now..

I'm very happy for you.. you're at the point now where you're realizing that there is life after "the ex" It's amazing isn't it?

Well, it's good that you develop a back bone and sticking to your guns because it will help you in your next relationship and you won't repeat the same thing. I am glad that you learned from the relationship with her and changing yourself for the better.

Ive posted on here before... Long story short wife left me after a 10 relationship and a little son, due to me not being affectionate enough.

I have a question its been over a year since we have been separated. I went through her telling me in the beginning that we will get back together one day to now she doesn't know what she wants.

I have tried the NC thing but always go back to speaking to her on a personal level. She is always telling me that she wants to remain good friends and we do things with our son when our schedule allows it. We go to the mall movies out to eat etc.. But she will always remind me that it is just as friends...

Now she is not seeing anyone that I am aware of or she is hiding it very well. My question why does she want to remain so close of friends if she does not want it to progress into anything.

At one point she thought I was dating and got upset and even started crying, if she doesn't want me why the emotions.

I do still love her and most likely would give our marriage a second go around neither of us has filed for the paperwork as of yet.

So how do I handle this do I tell her let me go so I can completely get her out of my system or do I fight to save my marriage even after a year of separation..

I am still so confused after a year of living apart!!

I'm sure some people will tell you move on and forget her.

I think you should give it another shot.

"Long story short wife left me after a 10 relationship and a little son, due to me not being affectionate enough."

"At one point she thought i was dating and got upset and even started crying, if she doesn't want me why the emotions."

You sound like a robot (no emotions).

I'm just throwing this out there, so hopefully I won't get too much adversity. But it sounds like you should make the effort and win her heart back. Step it up man! Do the romantic stuff. Do all the small things. Give her more attention. Show her more emotions.

PUT SOME EFFORT!

Your right a lot of people are going to tell me to move and I accept that, they are here to give advice.

Ok we are supposed to go to the movies tomorrow afternoon to watch something with our son. Do I show up with flowers or do you think that is to straight forward. I was thinking more of a card saying how I appreciate what a great mom she is to our son,

What do you think..

I think that in you weren't affectionate to begin with then often throughout those ten years, she felt more like a brother and sister or best friends.

The relationship has always been comfortable to her and although she loves you probably tremendously as far as a relationship goes, you aren't a willing and able participate, so she is choosing to continue the best friend relationship with the option of finding someone willing to physically express his love for her.

Ten years is a long time relationship, you apparently get along well. If you are willing to step up to the plate, you have to do it on a consistent basis, because offering her what she wants and then reverting back to your old ways would put you right back in the friends zone.

If I were to choose, I think the card can say more than the flowers. Understand that affection isn't just about gifts, it's about physical contact, willing physical contact on a reoccuring basis.

Your right about some people telling you to move on so... move on.

You mention that her wanting to remain close MAY mean she wants you back. Well, here you are friend, why are you not back together as of yet?

Also, you tried the NC thing and it didn't really work, it actuality you were not able to do the NC thing and so a year later your still confused as ever. It won't work if it's not done.

I do sympathize with your situation, however, it is like many, many stories on here. One partner wishing to be friends, the other interpreting that to mean hope for a future. If it does mean getting back together than great, but it rarely happens, most of the time you drag this out for years until the answer you could have had way back when is the same answer you'll get years later.

If I were you I'd go, if you do not see the logic behind that than simply state your intentions and see what she says, at least that way you'll spend no more time wondering and suffering over it.

Justwantfair you are right.. It was more comfortable than it was love.

I have been doing a lot of research on how to be a more affectionate person.
I will def go and get the card and fill it out tonight for tomorrow.

Now do I do something like this everyday or a couple of times a week. Because I do not want to push her away or scare her. Also any tips would be helpful

The reason I told you to keep trying is because if you are not affectionate with her, who's to say that you will be affectionate with another girl. Moving on might not do you that much good. You were married to this woman for 10 years and you have a kid together... so... here we go...

Like what Justwantfair said, if you are going to get back into the game with her, you're going to have to put in a consistent effort. Are you ready to do this? You don't just win her back and then sit back on the bench. You've got 10 years of neglect to make up for.

I think flowers is a good start. I'm not sure about the card. It's not about how good of a mom she is... it should be how good of a wife she is...

I see that you'll probably need some help with ideas on how to win her back, so feel free to ask!

My partner and I have this same issue recurringly so I am very sympathic to your wife's position, but the one thing I have learned is that this is very difficult to change on a consistent basis, but it's well worth the effort.

When two people love each other there is a natural desire to be in physical contact. When you are in a comfortable non-affectionate relationship one partner feels they are always making in the extra effort for physical contact and the affection is not returned.

Make this a daily effort, there is a fabulous book called the five love languages that gives wonderful tips on understanding the way she communicates love and being able to share that language with her.

Don't expect any miracles, she probably loves you but has long since given up on the fact that she can get what she wants in a relationship with you. Take things one day at a time and keep me posted ;)

BMI I have stated my intentions and that's the problem all I did was talk I never tried to win her love back..

Another thing we only get to see one another once a week when we exchange our son, so how do I go about showing her the other six days..

Calls asking her how her day was
Send flowers to her office

BMI I have stated my intentions and that's the problem all i did was talk I never tried to win her love back..

Another thing we only get to see one another once a week when we exchange our son, so how do i go about showing her the other six days..

Calls asking her how her day was
Send flowers to her office

Save flowers for special occasions.
Definitely call. Show her that you care about her. Communication is huge.
Once you guys get comfortable again, try to see her more often.
I'm sure your kid has activities? Why don't you spend time with her then?
Do you work far from each other? Can you meet up for lunch?

We live about a half an hour away from each other.. The thing is our work schedule I work during the day and she works at night so its really hard for us to meet up.. I get out at 4 she starts at 4.

Our son does have many activities but again the work schedule comes into play..

First buy the book.

Then start courting your ex wife again.

You will find time even with your conflicting work schedules. Meeting her for dinner will be easier since she works nights.

Book to gain tips.

- Cook her dinner and bring it to her
- Buy her dinner and bring it to her
- Meet up for dinner together

It's a stretch, but since she works at night, maybe she can meet you for lunch.

Try to do activities together as a family, with her and your kid.

Don't forget, don't push her too much, cause you don't want to scare her away. Just ease into this. Take it 1 day at the time and see how she reacts.

Thank you for all of the advise..

I will take it one day at a time. Tomorrow I will start with the card hopefully she will like it and we can enjoy a nice movie together..

I posted this in letter to our exes a little while back. Should I show her or just keep it to myself



I feel so sad the pain that I have in my heart hurts more than any physical pain I have ever experienced. It hurts so much because the reason she is no longer by my side is all my fault.

I would give up everything just to wake up next to her in the mornings again.
I pray over and over again for god to give me the strength and wisdom to either let it go and accept it or teach me the way to be a better man.

She is so sweet and kind and loving. She even blessed me with a wonderful little boy. So why is she not here, because I didn't show her the love and the affection she deserved. I stopped telling her how much I loved her an how much I appreciated her. My hugs and kisses turned into foul words towards my wife.

Instead of telling her thank you I asked her to do more. She had the whole weight of the relationship on her back and I wasn't helping her carry it.

But now it's too late and I lost the only person that ever truly understood me. Will she ever see that I really understand what went wrong with us, I don't think so.

I wish I knew all the right things to say and do to her so that we can fall in love again and start our family over on a new leaf.

But she doesn't believe I can be the man she is looking for. She lost my trust after many broken promises I made. That's the hardest part trying to gain back the trust that I lost, and knowing again that it was all my fault.

I'd wait a bit before showing her this. At least until you guys are together again. This letter has very pessimistic. Right now, you want to focus on optimistic stuff.

Like you said in the letter, you want to gain back her trust. So focus on being there for her emotionally and physically. Show her that you care about her well-being by talking and listening to her. You're going to have to suck it up and focus all the attention on helping her. Your own personal pain will have to take a backseat for now.

I am going to go against the grain, and strongly advise you to put a lot more into the relationship between you, and your child, and a lot less on her. Be a good parenting partner, and let that be your focus, more than trying to win her back.

You really need to concentrate on you, without her influence. Trust me, she will see your behavior, and improvements for herself, but you will not be doing it to get her back, but to be at peace with yourself.

A year is no time to heal after a 10 year marriage, and I feel your pain, but its about the adjustments you make for yourself, and your child, NOT getting her back and returning to the life you were comfortable in. Leave the personal stuff alone, and focus on cooperating with her to keep your child happy, so they can be loved, and feel loved, now that would be much more impressive than dinner, flowers or dating. Its also the correct thing for a father to do.

This also will help with your healing, and keep you focused on the right things, as making more time for your son is better than worrying about how your wife feels, and gets you out of the need to prove a darn thing to her. That doesn't mean be rude, but be INDEPENDENT. It gives her the space to do her thing, and lets you do yours.

Sorry for your loss, but patience, and focus on what's really important, is a much more positive, and productive way, to be a father first, and love yourself right now.

Let her see you happy with who you are, and handle your real business on being a loving dad, without MOM. That goes a lot further than flowers, and to the one who needs attention the most.

Greenie ^
l

Ok update

She called me this morning to ask if I can help her get her car inspected so I agreed to help her since I know a well known mechanic. She meets me at the shop we drop off the car and go out to eat breakfast with our son. Breakfast goes well eye contact laughter and no dull moments.

Then after we go to the movies to watch Monsters Vs aliens (wasnt funny at all) and have some dinner. Again joking around with each other and everything is going fine. The whole time I'm trying to touch her lightly and feel her out she did not jump away from my touches..

Ok I know I should not read into what she told me on the way home but here goes.. She said that she had a wonderful time hanging out the whole day and she did not feel uncomfortable at all.. And I know that sentence means just that nothing more nothing less.

Taliman I understand exactly what your saying during this separation I have managed to finish school and get a better job for me not for her.

Thanks again for all the advice

Sounds like a really good day. I know that you want to be careful and not be over-confident, but you can give yourself a little bit of credit.

I'm going to agree with part of what Talaminan said, you should really focus on your son, but win her heart back at the same time. Today was a perfect example.

If you are going to get back together with your ex wife, you're not only going to live with her, but you have your son as well.

Whatever you do with your wife now, you have to keep your son's best interests first. Spend more time with the three of you (or just with your son only), once a week is too little. You have to be committed to her and your son.

If he's in school or at an activity, then do something alone with her.

Hi First,

What about marriage counseling? Have you and your wife ever considered that?

Thanks for all again..

Yes that is my plan to make myself better so that my son can have an excellent future. At the same time try to patch up things with his mother so we can do it as a family.

Today I have to go with my son to his grandmothers house which is only 5 minutes from where she lives. So I figured I would ask her if she would like to join our son and I for some brunch before she heads off to work.

Her response was thank you but she has a lot to take care of and to slow down..

What do you guys think..

Starlite1 I have asked but she does not want to attend..

Iwish I forgot to mention a conversation we had a little while back about the relationship..
She told me that she tried to hard to save the marriage and has gotten used to being alone and does not want to try anymore..

That might be a big help letting you guys know how she feels.

Thanks for all again..


Her response was thank you but she has a lot to take care of and to slow down..



Was she telling you to slow down or that she wanted a slow day for herself?

Take the hint, more alone time with your son, and STOP, trying to get her back. Back away from her my friend.

Not to get her back, but to get you use to being without her.

Ever miss someone who is always giving you attention??

Starlite1 I have asked but she does not want to attend..

Iwish I forgot to mention a convo we had a little while back about the relationship..
She told me that she tried to hard to save the marriage and has gotten used to being alone and does not want to try anymore..

That might be a big help letting you guys know how she feels.

If she said that, it means that you're going to have to back off... but...

I know I'm going against our expert Talaminan, but personally, if you are acting in the best interest of your son, I feel that you should try to win her back so that your son can have his real parents as a family. I bet if you ask him, he would you want two to get back together as well.

So I wouldn't give up so easily. HOWEVER, it does not mean she wants you back. This process is going to take a LOT of "time" and "patience". I'm not sure if you want to move on with your life and one day find another woman, which means a step mom for your son. Then the possibility that your ex wife finds a new husband, so then a step-dad. In my opinion, that's not the most ideal situation for your son, but others may disagree.

Like I said in an earlier post, you have 10 years of neglect to make up for. If you are willing to be REALLY patient and take things slowly to rebuild her trust, I believe that you can win her back.

Starlite she was telling me to slow down in trying to spend time with her...

If a friend of mine wrote the sentence I just did I wouldve called him an idiot.. I guess love is blind.. wow

Your not being an idiot at all. It is understandable that you want your wife back, but at this juncture, you need to give her the space she wants and needs. I know this is hurting you, but at this point there is nothing more you can really do except be there for your son, and let your wife be. Right now, it seems that her mind is made up. Time will tell though, you never know.

Iwish I have the same idea as you. I came from a broken home my father left when I was two. I always promised myself I would never be like him. I know I am in my sons life everyday but sometimes from a distance and it hurts because that's when I feel like I let him down and couldn't keep his family together.. Probably not the right way to think but I do.

Now as far as step parents I will never take anything away from them but it's not the same.

Backing off the idea of getting back together does not mean you will not interact as a family, you are stilled tied together for years to come, because you have a son to raise... together.

My whole point is make that the focus, and basically work on yourself for now, and be happy without your wife. Are you divorced?? Or just separated??

Moving on with your life, doesn't mean meeting someone else. It does mean accepting her decision to leave, and be on her own.

You have already seen her reaction to your efforts to get her back, you end up pushing her away.

Taliman we are not divorced..

You are right everything I do I have to do for myself and my son. He is only 2 so we have at least 15 more years of having to be in direct contact with each other I understand that.

I have had other woman ask me out to dinner and I have went not expecting much just to see what it feels like.. Man is was weird LOL I haven't dated in a while and I was rusty.. I honestly do not think I'm ready I feel like I cannot give my all to someone now until I can finally make up my mind on what I want to do on my current situation.. And I don't know if I should feel like this but I feel that it might also mess up my chances with getting my family back.

Is that normal?

You're not divorced... it means she did not completely close the door on you and I can stop calling her your ex wife. I'm guessing that you guys are separated?

I know that she was very direct in saying that she does not want to try anymore. But from my experience, girls can say something very extreme, but not completely mean it.

The reason you do not want to fully commit to another woman is because you still have feelings for your wife.

I suggest you stick with the plan. Focus on making yourself a better person. Spend more quality time with your son, all the while being there for your wife and rebuilding your relationship.

You're not divorced... it means she did not completely close the door on you and I can stop calling her your ex wife. I'm guessing that you guys are seperated?

I know that she was very direct in saying that she does not want to try anymore. But from my experience, girls can say something very extreme, but not completely mean it.

The reason you do not want to fully commit to another woman is because you still have feelings for your wife.

I suggest you stick with the plan. Focus on making yourself a better person. Spend more quality time with your son, all the while being there for your wife and rebuilding your relationship.

Totally agree.

I agree with Talaniman that you need to focus on your self-improvement than try to get her back right now. But to disagree with Talaniman, I don't think you should just drop it and move on. No one (including you and me) wants to hang on to false hope, and I don't want to give you an advice that will lead you on a false hope either. I know it's very hard, but the only thing you need right now is TIME and PATIENCE. It seems that BOTH of you need time. It looks like your wife still loves you (otherwise she wouldn't have cried and shown our those emotions, trust me) but she really needs time to heal. And you need to respect her wish for that. If you continue pursuing her, you'll end up chasing her away. What you can do is be a great dad, and a good friend to your wife (be attentive to her emotions as a good friend should do, I agree with I Wish that you might be lacking some emotions. Isn't it why she left you in the first place? You not being affectionate enough?) After some time, I'm sure she'll see a better you. You cannot force anyone to change their opinions about you, you have to show them you've changed, and without agenda (of getting her back, because it'll be like you're just nice to her so you guys can get back together again).

Don't just throw 10 years of marriage away if you still love each other and the relationship itself wasn't toxic or abusive (in that case move on). But don't wake up everyday thinking you need her back, you need her back either.

And FYI, flowers, notes/cards, gifts etc. are lame. I mean you guys have been together for 10 years, you should be able to tell what makes the other happy, right? 10 years of marriage, I mean we women don't need chivalry at this point, we need security. Actions speak louder than words.

Ok guys here goes a little update..


Yesterday was easter and we decided to spend the day together for our son and take him to the circus.. Before the circus we went to eat at a restaurant and had a good time talked, laughed etc..

The circus was great too our son and ourselves enjoyed the showed a lot.

After the circus we decided we would go to my place to watch a movie and hangout for a little while before she headed back to her place.

Our son wound up falling asleep so I mad a move on her and she didn't reject me, which led to us sleeping with each other for the first time in over 7 months. After all was said and done she went back home to her place.

So here is the weird part.. Today I get a text from her saying that yesterday was a big mistake and that she thinks that we should no longer be friends... Caught me off guard I didn't expect her to want to try to want to work things out because of one special day but I didn't expect this either.

I asked why did she feel like this and her answer was... That we can never be together.. That she cannot trust that I have changed...

So I told her that I respect her decision and I guess we will just communicate for the sole fact of our son..

So there it goes what do you guys think... Because I'm lost... LOL

I think, like most guys who come here after a break up, you let every good thing that happens, give you a false hope that things have changed, and they have in your mind, but not in hers.

I also think she was motivating you on to continue your present behavior, and make it permanent.

You walk a fine thin line between false hope, and regaining trust. Take this as a small victory, a step in the right direction, but by no means enough to say anything has changed.

I would also caution you on making moves on your ex, just because you see an opportunity. Imagine the message you send.

Even if she does give in, she must shoot you down, just as a matter of her self respect.

The reason she slept with you was because she was probably having a moment of weakness. The fact that you guys were at the circus and having fun, she was probably feeling really happy that you guys are acting as a family again.

But before and after her moment of weakness, I'm sure that it was clear in her mind that the trust has changed.

What do you want? Do you want to get back with her? It will take some time to gain it back and you might never gain it back either.

So today I go and pick up my son and we had another conversation on our situation.

She basically told me that she doesn't see a future with me and that she is going to start dating because she feels lonely and thinks its time for her to have someone in her life.

What a dagger in the heart I tell you.. Oh well I gave it my all Its over for sure now..
Even if she feels she made a mistake down the line Me as a person I would not be able to look past the fact the she had been intimate with another person.. Probably I'm being selfish but that's how I feel.

I honestly do not know how I am going to react the first time I see her with someone..

I pray that I can control my emotions and do not say or do something stupid because it will just be a waste and the only person that will come out looking like an would be ME!!

So I guess this the end of this chapter..

Question how did you guys feel or react the first time you seen your x with the new one??

Felt sorry for the poor guy...

Stung at first then I grew and couldn't care less.

Relief, but that was because he was the one who wouldn't let go.

I think it will hurt and since you take the added this guy will be in my son's life role, you will have some adjustments to make. The sooner you heal and move on, the more you couldn't care less feeling takes over.

You need to stop doing the "family" things for a while and keep communication to child only. Make it known that you will watch your son at any time if she wants to go out and that will increase the likelihood that while she is dating she is not introducing your son to random guys.

You guys are right.. I'm just going to leave her alone, no more family outings..

The only one I will do is his birthday which is next month.. It was already planned and paid for..

Oh well like I said I tried to keep this family together..

It hasn't happen to me yet because I lose all contact with my ex. It's as if they are no longer part of my life.

Since you have a son together, it's going to be difficult to avoid contact. If it's going to bother you that much, maybe let your ex wife know that you're not comfortable seeing her with a new man yet, so when you pick you son up, you prefer that she doesn't bring her new boyfriend or date along.

Now that she cut the last string, make sure that you minimize your contact with her so that you can heal.

Yep Im done Im not going to try anymore... Sometimes I feel like she has no heart.. She knows I still love her and then goes and tells me she's going to start dating because she feels lonely...

That's the way the ball bounces I guess...

Here comes some more pain and thoughts oh well...

You still have a son to raise, and be a role model to. That means handling yourself in a acceptable way, no matter the situation.

The dating world, you will find, completely sucks these days. It's hard to find a good woman. If she is... then I'd try to keep her.