Just an idea.
I see plenty of threads about what to do after a break up or during testing times but I haven't yet seen something that helps people to priorities what they should be looking for or how love is expressed. I think it would help people if we put together some guidelines on how to build a secure and succseful relationship before they are in a mess and end up asking for help. Of course all situations are different and somepeople might not take the advice but I still think we should try and prevent people from falling into the same mistakes as the people before them. Everyone has problems in relationships but if they had a better knowledge of the key things that damage a relationship then hopefully they can learn from other peoples experiances and avoid causing pain to them and their partner.

Any guidelines? Or is it simply not a good idea?

I thnk we shuld understand who the advice comes from as well. It is an important factor

As say a person like yourself who is what 13 14? Who has just started in relationship (just starting in life)

Would it carry as much weight as a person who is 45 and been threw lots of relationships

That being said we all have different takes on relationships

There is no way.. to guide us in a relationship
As emotions change and shift. As fast as the wind.

The stand quta for relationships.
Would be

Don't be needy
Don't be Jelouse
Don't Hit your partner
Be confidant
Always keep it fresh. And new.


You see most people. Know how to make a great relationship last..
The problem is..

It TAKES TWO people to make it work

You can have all the ideas in the world and plans.. but if the other person. Is not willing to put the work in. then you are just beating a dead horse.

Yet you deal with a huge loss. Say a break up. Then you can help. Because it is yourself. And you take the other person factor out.

There is no book on the perfect guide to a relationship.
We all have our own views
And what works for us.
Might not work for other people.

You get some people saying Sex is the most important part of a relationship.

Or going out drinking..

I mean. This topic is so Huge that there are no short cuts or easy tips
As we are dealing with emotions and other peoples feelings.

In my view there is no guide.

Sometimes you can do everything right kiddo. But things still turn out wrong.

I didn't learn that till I was 18! :) you still got 4 years of fun left ;)

You can't script love and relationships. I think you just have to let nature takes its course... everything is a learning experience, good or bad.

Any guidlines? or is it simply not a good idea?
A big part of the problem is that people come here AFTER they start a relationship and then, when it goes bad, need advice and help.

Maybe a good sticky under Relationships would help those people for their next relationship. If they read it.

I usually refer people to certain experts who I know will give good advice.

I think there are certain generalizations you can make about successful relationships.

I would agree with the things TrueFaith says but also add that you should not lose yourself in a relationship by make someone else's life your life. You need to find a balance somewhere in there. Relationships are about SHARING life with each other, not being the life or controlling the life of one another.

Even if it takes 90.000 words I would happily put in what little knowledge I have on the subject if it is going to help people. I would also like to know myself what goes wrong and why people think it goes wrong, if we can understand the mistakes that are made and if we make an effort to learn from them then hopefully people (like me) can try and get it right. I completely understand that there has to be a town way comitment and I agree that if it isn't going to work it isn't something you can make work. It is better to move on and have faith that you will find the one for you. Thank you for your points.
Any more guidelines?

Here are some basic rules. Take what you think applies and leave the rest. (Just to be sure: I did not make these rules) Also, some rules apply to some degree depending on situational differences, so don't take them as Black & White.


I. Never say ‘I Love You’ first
Women want to feel like they have to overcome obstacles to win a man’s heart. They crave the challenge of capturing the interest of a man who has other women competing for his attention, and eventually prevailing over his grudging reluctance to award his committed exclusivity. The man who gives his emotional world away too easily robs women of the satisfaction of earning his love. Though you may be in love with her, don’t say it before she has said it. Show compassionate restraint for her need to struggle toward yin fulfillment. Inspire her to take the leap for you, and she’ll return the favor a thousandfold.

II. Make her jealous
Flirt with other women in front of her. Do not dissuade other women from flirting with you. Women will never admit this but jealousy excites them. The thought of you turning on another woman will arouse her sexually. No girl wants a man that no other woman wants. The partner who harnesses the gale storm of jealousy controls the direction of the relationship.

III. You shall make your mission, not your woman, your priority
Forget all those romantic clichés of the leading man proclaiming his undying love for the woman who completes him. Despite whatever protestations to the contrary, women do not want to be “The One” or the center of a man’s existence. They in fact want to subordinate themselves to a worthy man’s life purpose, to help him achieve that purpose with their feminine support, and to follow the path he lays out. You must respect a woman’s integrity and not lie to her that she is “your everything”. She is not your everything, and if she is, she will soon not be anymore.

IV. Don’t play by her rules
If you allow a woman to make the rules she will resent you with a seething contempt even a rapist cannot inspire. The strongest woman and the most strident feminist wants to be led by, and to submit to, a more powerful man. Polarity is the core of a healthy loving relationship. She does not want the prerogative to walk all over you with her capricious demands and mercurial moods. Her emotions are a hurricane, her soul a saboteur. Think of yourself as a bulwark against her tempest. When she grasps for a pillar to steady herself against the whipping winds or yearns for an authority figure to foil her worst instincts, it is you who has to be there… strong, solid, unshakeable and immovable.

V. Adhere to the golden ratio
Give your woman 2/3 of everything she gives you. For every three calls or texts, give her two back. Three declarations of love earn two in return. Three gifts; two nights out. Give her two displays of affection and stop until she has answered with three more. When she speaks, you reply with fewer words. When she emotes, you emote less. The idea behind the golden ratio is twofold — it establishes your greater value by making her chase you, and it demonstrates that you have the self-restraint to avoid getting swept up in her personal dramas. Refraining from reciprocating everything she does for you in equal measure instills in her the proper attitude of belief in your higher status. In her deepest loins it is what she truly wants.

VI. Keep her guessing
True to their inscrutable natures, women ask questions they don’t really want direct answers to. Woe be the man who plays it straight — his fate is the suffering of the beta. Evade, tease, obfuscate. She thrives when she has to imagine what you’re thinking about her, and withers when she knows exactly how you feel. A woman may want financial and family security, but she does not want passion security. In the same manner, when she has displeased you, punish swiftly, but when she has done you right, reward slowly. Reward her good behavior intermittently and unpredictably and she will never tire of working hard to please you.

VII. Always keep two in the kitty
Never allow yourself to be a “kept man”. A man with options is a man without need. It builds confidence and encourages boldness with women if there is another woman, a safety net, to catch you in case you slip and risk a breakup, divorce, or a lost prospect, leading to loneliness and a grinding dry spell. A woman knows once she has slept with a man she has abdicated a measure of her power; when she has fallen in love with him she has surrendered nearly all of it. But love is ephemeral and with time she may rediscover her power and threaten to leave you. It is her final trump card. Withdrawing all her love and all her body in an instant will rend your soul if you are faced with contemplating the empty abyss alone. Knowing there is another you can turn to for affection will fortify your will and satisfy your manhood.

VIII. Say you’re sorry only when absolutely necessary
Do not say you’re sorry for every wrong thing you do. It is a posture of submission that no man should reflexively adopt, no matter how alpha he is. Apologizing increases the demand for more apologies. She will come to expect your contrition, like a cat expects its meal at a set time each day. And then your value will lower in her eyes. Instead, if you have done something wrong, you should acknowledge your guilt in a glancing way without resorting to the actual words “I’m sorry.” Pull the Bill Clinton maneuver and say “Mistakes were made” or tell her you “feel bad” about what you did. You are granted two freebie “I’m sorry”s for the life of your relationship; use them wisely.

IX. Connect with her emotions
Set yourself apart from other men and connect with a woman’s emotional landscape. Her mind is an alien world that requires deft navigation to reach your rendezvous. Frolic in the surf of emotions rather than the arid desert of logic. Be playful. Employ all your senses. Describe in lush detail scenarios to set her heart afire. Give your feelings freedom to roam. ROAM. Yes, that is a good word. You’re not on a linear path with her. You are ROAMING all over, taking her on an adventure. In this world, there is no need to finish thoughts or draw conclusions. There is only need to EXPERIENCE. You’re grabbing her hand and running with her down an infinite, labyrinthine alleyway with no end, laughing and letting your fingers glide on the cobblestone walls along the way.

X. Ignore her beauty
The man who trains his mind to subdue the reward centers of his brain when reflecting upon a beautiful female face will magically transform his interactions with women. His apprehension and self-consciousness will melt away, paving the path for more honest and self-possessed interactions with the objects of his desire. This is one reason why the greatest lotharios drown in more love than they can handle — through positive experiences with so many beautiful women they lose their awe of beauty and, in turn, their powerlessness under its spell. It will help you acquire the right frame of mind to stop using the words hot, cute, gorgeous, or beautiful to describe girls who turn you on. Instead, say to yourself “she’s interesting” or “she might be worth getting to know”. Never compliment a girl on her looks, especially not a girl you aren’t ing. Turn off that part of your brain that wants to put them on pedestals. Further advanced training to reach this state of unawed Zen transcendence is to sleep with many MANY attractive women (try to avoid sleeping with a lot of ugly women if you don’t want to regress). Soon, a Jedi lover you will be.

XI. Be irrationally self-confident
No matter what your station in life, stride through the world without apology or excuse. It does not matter if objectively you are not the best man a woman can get; what matters is that you think and act like you are. Women have a dog’s instinct for uncovering weakness in men; don’t make it easy for them. Self-confidence, warranted or not, triggers submissive emotional responses in women. Irrational self-confidence will get you more than rational defeatism.

XII. Maximize your strengths, minimize your weaknesses
In the betterment of ourselves as men we attract women into our orbit. To accomplish this gravitational pull as painlessly and efficiently as possible, you must identify your natural talents and shortcomings and parcel your efforts accordingly. If you are a gifted jokester, don’t waste time and energy trying to raise your status in philosophical debate. If you write well but dance poorly, don’t kill yourself trying to expand your manly influence on the dancefloor. Your goal should be to attract women effortlessly, so play to your strengths no matter what they are; there is a groupie for every male endeavor. Except World of Warcraft.

XIII. Err on the side of too much boldness, rather than too little
Touching a woman inappropriately on the first date will get you further with her than not touching her at all. Don’t let a woman’s faux indignation at your boldness sway you; they secretly love it when a man aggressively pursues what he wants and makes his sexual intentions known. You don’t have to be an , but if you have no choice, being an inconsiderate beats being a polite beta, every time.

XIV. her good
her like it’s your last . And hers. Her so good, so hard, so wantonly, so profligately that she is left a quivering, sparking mass of shaking flesh and sex fluids. Drain her of everything, then drain her some more. Kiss her all over, make love to her all night, and hold her close in the morning. Own her body, own her gratitude, own her love. If you don’t know how, learn to give her squirting orgasms.

XV. Maintain your state control
You are an oak tree. You will not be manipulated by crying, yelling, lying, head games, sexual withdrawal, jealousy ploys, pity plays, tests, hot/cold/hot/cold, disappearing acts, or guilt trips. She will rain and thunder all around you and you will shelter her until her storm passes. She will not drag you into her chaos or uproot you. When you have mastery over yourself, you will have mastery over her.

XVI. Never be afraid to lose her
You must not fear. Fear is the love-killer. Fear is the ego-triumph that brings abject loneliness. You will face your fear. You will permit it to pass over and through you. And when your ego-fear is gone you will turn and face your lover, and only your heart will remain. You will walk away from her when she has violated your integrity, and you will let her walk when her heart is closed to you. She who can destroy you, controls you. Don’t give her that power over yourself. Love yourself before you love her

Hi, NallaNeedsYou!

I think that you have a good idea here! A thread such as this would be a good balance in information for preparing people who get involved in relationships.

But, just for a point of reference here as well as cross-reference, people might want to check out information that's already been posted on the following threads of this site. They are Stickies at the top of the Relationships forum area.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/how-get-him-her-back-187766.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/what-expect-when-you-get-dumped-123862.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/list-things-do-after-breakup-78597.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/break-up-survival-guide-other-relationship-first-aid-214452.html

Thanks!

Hi friend!

Oh so many answers =). The only thing u can be sure of is that everyone has different needs so the only way to have a chance to make a relationship work is to get to know the person. Ok so its extremely hard to find that speciall someone, tru it is and it can take years n years of lonliness or going trough relationships that was'nt meant to be but if u don't settle for anything else than the real thing it will surtainly be the best thing you'll ever do. Believe me it's not just hard when your 14 it still is as hard when your 30 and so on just in another way. Gosh doesn't matter if you're really popular and good looking you will still fall in love or have a crush on someone that's just in to someone else. Even when you're older it's darn hard to find "the right one". In fact I know a lot of couples with familys even that stay together just because of the family. Sorry to say but there will always be shallow people around u just hopfully a smaller procentage when u get older =). The thing I often find is that people don't communitcate that well (they think they do but they don't really). Another way is think about how u communicate there's loads of different ways of telling someone something find out what workes for that person. Still there's no chance in hell it will work if the other person's not big on it. Always keep in mind that a relationship is something u have together. It will go so much more swimmingly if you're willing to find solutions (there's always on) like with everything in life. I'm also qurious you're saying that everyone else are shallow... well what kind of girls are u looking for? If your looking for girls that looks like the once on the cover of magazines well then there's an answer. You yourself have to look behind the fasades of girls and that goes for everyone in every age. We always have a picture of what we like and I find that often people have a hard time to look outside the box.

Good luck Oak =)