Hi - I'm a 32 year old woman with a major friendship headache. I'm really hoping for some objective and honest advice. I'll be as honest as I can and would appreciate the same in return. :)

My friend, also 32 and female, has been causing me a lot of heartache now for the best part of 3 years. We met at the age of 14, and have always been pretty close, except for the usual drifting when I went to college. We have travelled together extensively all over the world and had a LOT of fun together. But it was during our last trip around the States that the little niggly things that had always bothered me but that I'd never taken action on, started to come to the fore and started to REALLY irritate me. I'm not one for confrontation at all, I just end up crying if I think I've annoyed someone, so I just took deep breaths and counted inwardly to myself.

Things that have really piled up in my mind include:

She splits EVERYTHING down the middle - if we hire a DVD and the cost comes to £3.75 she asks me for half the money. Not sure if this is an American site but that's roughly $6 divided by 2. She will never say, 'Oh I'll get it this time'. I do that often, and she earns at LEAST £6,000 per year more than I do. Only last month, she paid £1 more than me at a meal, and told me I had to buy her a drink at the bar to make up for it.

She insists on taking turns in driving places. She has a company car, all expenses paid, but if for some reason I have no car (I share with my partner) she will change arrangements so that she doesn't have to travel a great distance. On one occasion last year, she refused to stick to the original arrangements of going to the cinema 8 miles away - changing it to the city 7 miles away - because it was closer and 'her car told her' this was how it had to be done. If I drive anywhere and there is a car park fee, she will pay £1 and then walk off while I put in the rest of the money.

Everything I suggest doing, it's never good enough. If I say I'd like to see 'Bond' at the cinema, she says 'Oh but I want to see X Files' - also everything she does has to be the most expensive evening possible and if I say I can't afford it but suggest a nice alternative, she cancels.

I have my own place which I share with my boyfriend of a year. She's never had a boyfriend at the age of 32, only one date, many years ago, and to this end she never shows any interest in my partner, whom I'm very much in love with. I haven't neglected her because of him - he works at night and I'm free every evening if she wants to do something. She met him after 8 months, purely by accident, in the street. But she never mentions his name and ensures she's only ever at my house when he's at work. I've invited her 6 times to formally meet him and there's always an excuse.

The icing on the cake has arrived over the past few months. At the beginning of this year, we were talking and I think it came up in conversation how travelling again would be wonderful. But I DIDN'T make ANY PROMISES - I rarely have money to spare and I have pets and my partner to consider. I told her I wouldn't be able to go on holiday anywhere until at least September. She, apparently, took this to mean we were going on holiday TOGETHER - so - when I won a trip all expenses paid to attend an event of personal interest to me in the United States, I told her I was going. I told her what a fantastic opportunity it was for me ( it included making a speech and meeting some of my childhood heroes) ) and that I hoped she was happy for me. Her reaction? 'Oh what about our holiday? '

I was flabberghasted. She got so angry at me and claimed she had been saving her leave and money for a trip away together that I had no idea about!! My win meant I had no leave left to take as this is a new job I have only started. This was in August and now in November I have hardly heard from her, haven't seen her at all. All communication is being done by text, which I HATE! She went away for the weekend with 'someone' - I don't know who it was and taunted me with texts like 'guess where I am' and 'oh it's lovely up here, I'm getting drunk now' - I didn't even know she was going and this is the kind of thing she does, purely out of spite. She did it to another friend of mine who used to be very close to her and now they no longer see each other. My other friend told her she was fed up with her selfish ways. She of course, didn't see it this way and it's always everyone else's problem.

I bought her a small gift with a nice card to say that I was sorry if she had misunderstood me and I thought it would make everything OK. It hasn't. Instead, she says she has written a reply to my note and that I've hurt her (this was a month ago) which she will 'drop in' to my house. I've been waiting for ages for it and I'm worried sick to the extent that my mood has dropped, my partner is starting to notice, and I'm highly stressed and irritable.

I don't believe I made her any promises. In fact, a few days before I found out about my trip, I was in her company all evening and not ONCE did she mention a holiday. She has always had a tendency to take things that you say very literally. For example if I say 'Oh if we went to California we could maybe stay with my aunt' - she'll have the flights booked before I've even checked!!

I've done my best to make it right, and in the card I laid it all on the table and apologised for anything I may have done to tick her off. I really thought everything would be OK but like I said, I'm unbelievably worried now what the note will say and if I'm just generally a horrible friend. Can anyone help?

It doesn't sound to me like you are a horrible friend at all! In fact, it seems quite the opposite! Why do you feel the need for her approval so much? She is walking all over you, and you are letting her.

It sounds like you are a giver, and she is a taker. She does sound VERY selfish. But she knows she can get away with this behaviour with you. It works for her! You are enabling her! The more you give, the more she takes. You are being her doormat!

I mean this in the nicest way, but I think maybe you should seek counseling to figure out why you let people treat you this way. If this is upsetting you so badly that even your boyfriend has noticed the change in your mood, it is time to get some help to find out why you feel the deep rooted feeling to please people. I think you feel that if someone is upset with you, you are a bad person, and people won't like you. Yet you sit and make yourself sick over someone who doesn't sound like much of a friend. In fact she sounds like a user to me.

I also think you feed off each other. You are insecure in your relationship, and she sees that, and takes advantage of it because she knows you will let her. On the other hand, she is insecure, and can't handle it when you have a life of your own. She expects you to be there for her because she is insecure. She hasn't had a date in many yrs. and is only 32? She is jealous that you have a relationship with your man, and all she has is you! She was very obviously trying to make you feel guilty and jealous, when she called you and said "guess where I am". In fact, I think it's much more than jealousy! I think this is obsessive and controlling behaviour.

I would distance myself from her for awhile. You need to stand up for yourself, and get a back bone. If you don't, she is going to continue to walk all over you, until she has brought you so far down that you can't get up! You shouldn't ever allow ANYONE to treat you like that. If your boyfriend treated you like that, would you stay with him?

A lot of times, if you don't tell someone what you're thinking when there's a small problem it turns into much more. If you don't tell someone that something they do or say upsets you chances are they aren't going to know and things will only get worse. I distance myself for a while, too, if I were you. You sent her a letter of apology, which honestly sounds like she should have sent you one, so now the ball is in her court. She's the one that needs to make things right between you two. If she doesn't, it sounds like her loss. I'm not one to just throw friendships away, but I did let a friend walk out of my life the beginning of this year because of her attitude toward me. I figured I didn't need people like that in my life.

Many thanks for these great replies - I feel very relieved that it's not me. I guess when someone starts to drain you physically and emotionally it's maybe time to let go... xx I appreciate the help so much x

I have had my share of crazy, quirky friends, and will tell you that she will get over herself sooner, or later, so don't take her attitude personally, just enjoy the break form the craziness.