Donny Ashland
Nov 23, 2008, 05:02 PM
Quick story Ok. That's not true. Long story made semi-long, with proper spelling and punctuation.
Very good friends for 3 years, went to Uni together, both knew each other while dating other people. Always had a thing for each other but timing never worked out.
Eventually, we were both single, hooked up, dated for 2 1/4 years or so. I was her first relationship that lasted beyond a few months and some hookups. Ups and downs, she was a bit jealous at times and I can be high maintenance and moody at times. Nothing I thought was too major. 5 year age difference, she is younger. Mid 20's and early 30's. She told me she loved me first, I told her a month or so later. We got along good just the two of us or certain circles but when together with parts of her circle not so good. She had/has major family problems. Major. No details but it involves anger, abuse, drugs, bad relationships from the people close to her from her childhood on to adulthood.
1 year in she went through a major family tragedy/death. I stuck it out with her.
She was done with grad school and I was finishing grad school We had plans to move in together and move to another city. She had gotten a great job offer and asked me to come with her and I agreed. We moved her out there and I intended to follow in 3-4 months later once I graduated. She starts working a high pressure job (12-14 hour days) and we start to talk a bit less. Usually we at least catch up before bedtime or on the way home from work to check in and say hello, she starts to get distant. She's made only a couple friends, a guy from work and the guy from work's girlfriend and their circle.
Calls me up after 3 weeks or so, tells me she hasn't been "happy" since the death in the family, she wasn't happy with me, She didn't feel the same about me as she used to, didn't want to hurt me, has issues with intimacy etc.
We get together the next weekend and things are bad. We fight, argue, don't really act like a couple. She goes home, we fight for a week or so. I tell her that after all the stuff she told me, I feel like we should break up or she should commit to working on the issues I mentioned at that point I wasn't comfortable re-locating if she can't do that. We break up.
She tells me she needs to be alone, she likes being alone and doing what she wants. She's afraid of being alone but she needs to sort her life out. We're best friends, she loves me like her "insert messed up, abusive family relationship" loved each other.I agreed with the breakup, told her I saw it coming, wished her the best, I was moving on, etc.
I then did the usual. Texts. Calls. Conversations that I thought were good, she was going out with her new friends, enjoying her freedom, swears up and down she's not seeing anyone (I am inclined to believe her as I do believe she has issues with intimacy/relations, but who knows, right?)
Tells me she misses me, we talk every week or couple of weeks or so, text around the same amount, nothing heavy, no relationship talk. 2 months. She never calls me, it's always me initiating contact. She will call me back though.
I then do a drunk dial and tell her I want my stuff she has back and we're not friends, how could we be. etc. I was wasted and feeling bad about the whole thing and couldn't hold it in.
She gets mad. We talk, I try to get her to wipe the slate, she tells me its only been two months and my call kind of confirmed to her she made the right decision, she's stressed out, she has seen other people make and break promises to change all her life and she doesn't want me to change because I would lose what attracted her to me in the first place etc. We don't talk much, she sends my things and stops returning my texts. That was a week ago.
I sucked it up and realized that I couldn't control it, which is what I wanted to do, control how she felt about me.
So, I just jotted her a message, I had been thinking about all the things in the relationship that she had done badly although I didn't mention that in the message I wanted to basically stop what I had been doing, basically not giving her space and being a pain and just hurting myself.
I told her I hadn't been myself, that we should split that I had been thinking about it and that I was eventually heading to the same decision. That we both needed our time and space, and I needed to focus on myself as she had been doing and move on. That who knows what will happen in the future, wished her luck thanked her for my things and left it at that. Nothing heavy, short note.
I don't expect her to respond. I'm going NC. Won't delete facebook/myspace, just because come on, that seems petty, but I won't look at it either.
Saddest part is, no matter how many times I go over the list of things that she did that I deserved better from a partner, I love her.
Some people very close to her simply don't like me. I tried to offer the olive branch to these people (during our week of fighting that was a topic and I said I would offer the olive branch), but I was rebuffed. I told my ex that if her people were serious about her being happy they would at least accept the olive branch and see what happens.
Somehow I feel that she loves me too, but she's just overwhelmed and wants to be an individual and there are powerful people in her life telling her to let it go. She's got major self esteem issues and lets the people close to her walk all over her.
You know, it takes a lot to tell someone you don't get along with, "I really want to try and get along with you and we should try to work it out b/c I love this person who is in both of our lives"
At the core, what I loved was the fact that our minds were very sharp and we had a connection at that level, we really were great friends before all this and that is what I miss. Really. That's it. The other things were extraneous to me, just the connection on the mental level was amazing, best in my life so far.
So, I guess I just want you to read this, and give me some support. Something tells me that she won't ever be coming back. That once she made up her mind our first break up would be our last. That we've moved into different directions.
Still, I cannot believe that after 2+ years, it takes her 6 months or so to let it go and she can simply not want to be with me. I say six months 2 months broken up + 4 months of "starting to walk away while we're together" time. It isn't as if we had ever split, we did have fights but this was our first "have it out" fight in 2 years of dating.
So, tell me I'm right. NC for a month, if she moves on to another guy or moves on altogether there isn't anything I can do, right? If she comes back it will be because I've been out of her life and she really does miss our connection and if not, we never really had that connection anyway.
Support?
Insults?
Advice?
Very good friends for 3 years, went to Uni together, both knew each other while dating other people. Always had a thing for each other but timing never worked out.
Eventually, we were both single, hooked up, dated for 2 1/4 years or so. I was her first relationship that lasted beyond a few months and some hookups. Ups and downs, she was a bit jealous at times and I can be high maintenance and moody at times. Nothing I thought was too major. 5 year age difference, she is younger. Mid 20's and early 30's. She told me she loved me first, I told her a month or so later. We got along good just the two of us or certain circles but when together with parts of her circle not so good. She had/has major family problems. Major. No details but it involves anger, abuse, drugs, bad relationships from the people close to her from her childhood on to adulthood.
1 year in she went through a major family tragedy/death. I stuck it out with her.
She was done with grad school and I was finishing grad school We had plans to move in together and move to another city. She had gotten a great job offer and asked me to come with her and I agreed. We moved her out there and I intended to follow in 3-4 months later once I graduated. She starts working a high pressure job (12-14 hour days) and we start to talk a bit less. Usually we at least catch up before bedtime or on the way home from work to check in and say hello, she starts to get distant. She's made only a couple friends, a guy from work and the guy from work's girlfriend and their circle.
Calls me up after 3 weeks or so, tells me she hasn't been "happy" since the death in the family, she wasn't happy with me, She didn't feel the same about me as she used to, didn't want to hurt me, has issues with intimacy etc.
We get together the next weekend and things are bad. We fight, argue, don't really act like a couple. She goes home, we fight for a week or so. I tell her that after all the stuff she told me, I feel like we should break up or she should commit to working on the issues I mentioned at that point I wasn't comfortable re-locating if she can't do that. We break up.
She tells me she needs to be alone, she likes being alone and doing what she wants. She's afraid of being alone but she needs to sort her life out. We're best friends, she loves me like her "insert messed up, abusive family relationship" loved each other.I agreed with the breakup, told her I saw it coming, wished her the best, I was moving on, etc.
I then did the usual. Texts. Calls. Conversations that I thought were good, she was going out with her new friends, enjoying her freedom, swears up and down she's not seeing anyone (I am inclined to believe her as I do believe she has issues with intimacy/relations, but who knows, right?)
Tells me she misses me, we talk every week or couple of weeks or so, text around the same amount, nothing heavy, no relationship talk. 2 months. She never calls me, it's always me initiating contact. She will call me back though.
I then do a drunk dial and tell her I want my stuff she has back and we're not friends, how could we be. etc. I was wasted and feeling bad about the whole thing and couldn't hold it in.
She gets mad. We talk, I try to get her to wipe the slate, she tells me its only been two months and my call kind of confirmed to her she made the right decision, she's stressed out, she has seen other people make and break promises to change all her life and she doesn't want me to change because I would lose what attracted her to me in the first place etc. We don't talk much, she sends my things and stops returning my texts. That was a week ago.
I sucked it up and realized that I couldn't control it, which is what I wanted to do, control how she felt about me.
So, I just jotted her a message, I had been thinking about all the things in the relationship that she had done badly although I didn't mention that in the message I wanted to basically stop what I had been doing, basically not giving her space and being a pain and just hurting myself.
I told her I hadn't been myself, that we should split that I had been thinking about it and that I was eventually heading to the same decision. That we both needed our time and space, and I needed to focus on myself as she had been doing and move on. That who knows what will happen in the future, wished her luck thanked her for my things and left it at that. Nothing heavy, short note.
I don't expect her to respond. I'm going NC. Won't delete facebook/myspace, just because come on, that seems petty, but I won't look at it either.
Saddest part is, no matter how many times I go over the list of things that she did that I deserved better from a partner, I love her.
Some people very close to her simply don't like me. I tried to offer the olive branch to these people (during our week of fighting that was a topic and I said I would offer the olive branch), but I was rebuffed. I told my ex that if her people were serious about her being happy they would at least accept the olive branch and see what happens.
Somehow I feel that she loves me too, but she's just overwhelmed and wants to be an individual and there are powerful people in her life telling her to let it go. She's got major self esteem issues and lets the people close to her walk all over her.
You know, it takes a lot to tell someone you don't get along with, "I really want to try and get along with you and we should try to work it out b/c I love this person who is in both of our lives"
At the core, what I loved was the fact that our minds were very sharp and we had a connection at that level, we really were great friends before all this and that is what I miss. Really. That's it. The other things were extraneous to me, just the connection on the mental level was amazing, best in my life so far.
So, I guess I just want you to read this, and give me some support. Something tells me that she won't ever be coming back. That once she made up her mind our first break up would be our last. That we've moved into different directions.
Still, I cannot believe that after 2+ years, it takes her 6 months or so to let it go and she can simply not want to be with me. I say six months 2 months broken up + 4 months of "starting to walk away while we're together" time. It isn't as if we had ever split, we did have fights but this was our first "have it out" fight in 2 years of dating.
So, tell me I'm right. NC for a month, if she moves on to another guy or moves on altogether there isn't anything I can do, right? If she comes back it will be because I've been out of her life and she really does miss our connection and if not, we never really had that connection anyway.
Support?
Insults?
Advice?