After 2.5 years of long distance, different regions of the country, we were planning on being in same area after college. She is now employed and I'm in grad school, but we didn't end up in the same location, due to financial reasons. Just went 3 months w/o seeing each other and we got to spend the last weekend together. For the last few months, there has been a lot of fighting, stress, etc, and the first night together we had a huge fight, both of us thought it was over. However, next day it was fine. After coming home, I was planning to schedule another trip to see her and she tells me she wants to be honest and is unsure of things, due to the fight after not seeing each other for so long. Se doesn't know if we get along or if its just the distance. After 2 days of talking, she says she needs time and wants to be alone. She says she doesn't think this is the relationship she wants right now, needs more out of it, but because of our busy schedules, we don't even have much time to talk at all usually. She says if I was there, this would not be an issue. So I told her I'm not going to visit if we are breaking up. She offered to pay half to fly to see her after the holidays, including staying at her parents' home for a few nights, and I do want to see her. So I agreed. I love the girl to death and want to be with her, but I am pretty sure its over after hearing what she feels/wants. But why would she fly me in and say when I ask what will it be like when I'm there, she replies, "it'll be us like it has always been?" am I making a mistake going up there? I told her how I feel and how I disagree with this time thing for the last time. I feel like I should just leave her alone now and see what happens? Don't contact her anymore? I'm pretty upset about it, but I figure leaving it up to her will help me get over this, because I don't see the relationship happening again. I'm just really confused why she wants to see me and be "us" in a month for the time I'm there? It has now been 3.5 years of long distance.

You are being very smart.

L.D.R Can be.. Uff so hard.. I know I am in one at the moment. And unless both of you are willing to put the work in.. It will fail

Yeah there is distance yeah you won't be able to talk as much.. but there should be and end goal where you will end up together..

You seem to have that.. she on the other hand is having doubts.

I personaly would not want to fly all the way over to an unsuer relationship

You have to ask yourself. Do you really love this women? Does she make you happy?
Is she worth the effort?

Don't let old feelings mess with you on this one..

If you do really love her and want to make this work. Then go see her one last time. And work everything out. And you two must come up with a game plan. And say OK. We are apart for this long. But I want to be with you and this is what I'm going to do.. to make it work. Because you can't be in an L.D.R for the rest of your life..


Or if not.. break it off with her and have no more contact.

She does not know what she wants at the moment. And I would guess because you guys had a fight. And she has that playing on her mind a abit.

She does want to pay half to see you.. so that is a good sign.

Anyway this is 50/50 here normaly I would so

Get out!
Or Go For it

But think hard and see what your plans are with her and where you want to be in life.
And make a choice that reflects on your own goals and trying to be with her as well.

am I making a mistake going up there?
Yes, because though you want to see her, the rest of the post tells your true feelings.

I told her how I feel and how I disagree with this time thing for the last time
Then stick to your guns and be honest with yourself, and her.

I feel like I should just leave her alone now and see what happens? Don't contact her anymore? I'm pretty upset about it,
Give yourself time to let the emotional dust settle and see if you still feel that way.

but I figure leaving it up to her will help me get over this, because I don't see the relationship happening again.
There lies the conflict and confusion. Your doing what she wants and not what you want.

I'm just really confused why she wants to see me and be "us" in a month for the time I'm there? It has now been 3.5 years of long distance.
Thats a long time to be apart most of the time, and the arguments, and fights, bear out the pressure, and stress this relationship has put on you both.

she says she needs time and wants to be alone. She says she doesn't think this is the relationship she wants right now,
Talaniman rule- She asks for time and space, give it to her!

Long Distance Relationship Advice | The Frisky (http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-handle-this-seven-ways-to-survive-a-long-distance-relationship/?cnn=yes)

Check out this link, and compare it to your relationship, and see how you have done things the last 3.5 years, for some insights, and information, to think about.

Doesn't sound as if the last 3.5 years have bonded you enough, to work together, through honest communications, to resolve your issues.

Thanks for the responses. I'm having a tough time with this right now because I had that feeling that we were on the level that nothing would break us apart, even though we have been arguing a lot, unless it was very wrong, i.e. cheating. Obviously I need to wait to here from her because she wants the time. It just kills me not hearing from her when we talked some way or another everyday for 3.5 years. It also bothers me that we had a huge fight when I visited and then the next day everything was fine, or at least I thought. We were sexual more than once and nothing was borught up about the fight until a couple days after I got home. Was she just being phony and hiding her true feelings? If so, how can I trust someone like that? I feel like visiting in a month will lead to 3 things; closure, possibly get the relationship ging again, or give me false impressions everything is fine and then we end up not being together. How likely is it that giving a girl time in a long distance relationship will end up in you two being together again? To me, its just a cop out to ease the pain of letting go and not to be mean to me. She thinks it will just be us again when I'm there, but is that truly possible, especially after how I feel right now and not so sure we will start talking anytime soon?

Dude put yourself first for a change, and take care of YOU. All these assumptions, and speculating, what's on her mind, and the "why" of her actions, will have your mind playing tricks on you. That won't help you at all. Nor will sitting and dwelling on it.

Its important you stay busy with what's important to you. Trying enjoying yourself without her.

I think you should think a lot about the relationship and know what you truly want, before just flying over. Because then your emotions will speak for you and you can get hurt more easily.

In regards to my post on the 3.5 year long disatnce relationship and her needing her time, I feel like half of me says to try and relax and wait to see what happens with her needing time. The other half is telling me move on, assume we won't be together again. I just don't get why she would pay for me to fly over, have me stay at her parents house with her family, and then go back to her place for a few more days. I'm assuming she going to need time at the very least until I see her in a month, but she doesn't even know. She only says she don't have answers and just needs to do this for herself. Is this selfish? I'm no longer going to initiate conversation with her and haven't in the last couple days. She broke the silence yesterday morning with a text saying how she loves me, but just needs her time, and is very happy I decided to book the flight to see her. She says this is only because of the distance, but distance wouldn't be solved anytime soon. Is a relationship a good possibility again? Or am I being oblivious? Just start moving on, cutting her out of my life, and then just try to have fun when I visit and make that the last time? I feel like at this point I need to see her one more time so I can truly see how she feels.

Visiting her will only make it harder to give her space later. You will be an emotional wreck.

Either make a decision for your own interests and forget hers, or do as she says and go along and find out later what's up, since she has no clue.

I stay home, and get my own life together, and let her get hers together, with out my influence. But that's just me.

Ain't that much love in the world, to play yo-yo, to a confused female. Either she wants to be with you or she doesn't. She asked for space, give it to her.

I wouldn't be seeing her for another month. She has practically begged me to come. I am going to give her the space, she won't hear from me. But are you saying going up there in a month is a bad idea?

A lousy idea in my opinion. Your going on a holiday with a female, that has dumped you, and needs space, but is confused about the relationship? She needs to figure it out, and you need to figure yourself out, as she is calling all the shots, and your going along with what,

FALSE HOPE SHE WILL COME BACK TO YOU, AND THIS COULD BE IT?

Define the relationship, first, before any holiday sir.



I feel like at this point I need to see her one more time so I can truly see how she feels.


You should know that before you go, and do you honestly think the last date will be fun?? ( Yes I think it's the last date, and that's a long way to go to get dumped, even if she is paying for it! )

I agree, but I plan to go regardless, to see other people beside her. However, do you think her seeing me may change her feelings, one way or another. I think it can give me a better idea of closure or trying to work it out. I am going to avoid conversing with her and see if her time can benefit me, heloing me see what I really want. And then when I see her in person, well see if anything is still there. I do agree with her that the only reason we have had problems results from the distance. I feel like it may be a good idea to stay on good terms, because I will most likely end up where she is in the next couple years, and maybe it'll work out then. My feelings bounce back and forth b/t being very angry with her to feeling depressed without her. I am pretty sure this is all part of the process. Hopefully, if she does want to make it work, I won't be moved on already, bcause then I think it would be too hard for me to go back. I do want to be with her, but like you all say, time will wear that away as she does not want to be with me right now. Thanks again for the reply.

What does it mean when girlfriend in long distance relationship says I need my time but have trip to see each other in a month? Obv. For me to leave her alone. But is it her way of breaking it off easily to me? Does a girl really need time? What are the chances after her time, she decides she wants to be with you again?

Could you please give us a bit more detail

In what way did she say I need time?

Like I just need a week for this trip?

Or how did she word this to you


Regards

Long distance relationship for over 3 years. Spent last weekend together after not seeing each other for 3 months with a lot of arguing. Got into big fight but rest of weekend was fine, everything was nomal. Few days later she said she was unsure of things, stressed from the relationship, needed her time, wasn't sure what she wanted, if this is the type of relationship she wants right now, needs to be alone "her time". She says if there wasn't the distance we wouldn't have this issue because we typically don't even get more than 10 minutes a day to talk. She convinced me and is paying for me to come stay with her in a month for a 10 days. I'm going to give her "her time" and not contact her until around time to go there to make sure it is still cool.

Its never a good sign. When a girl says they want space or time.

I would just back off from her..

And have the idea that it is over and move on.
You don't want to wait around for someone who is not sure about being with you.

Do you?

Life is way to short to wait for someone to make up there mind.

I agree. So when she says that we will be together again and she loves me so much, obviously it means nothing and I should just continue to refrain from talking? When I said that we weren't going to talk she laughed and said I was being silly, but I'm planning on holding to it. I said if it becomes dumb for me to come visit let me know and she laughed again and said I was being silly. Do you think it will make for an awkward trip not talking till then? If anything I'm going to have fun with her because we always do, and not to try and convince her to be with me. I shouldn't need to after this long

Let her come back. There's nothing you can do at this point to change things. Take a couple of months for yourself and assume its over - and when nothing happens on her end, take it as fact and move on to new pastures. Preferably those closer to you. Girls will always say they still love you when the breakup isn't vicious (as it often is) - but the romance is fading, at least for the time being. And you can't change that by your actions.

Y is it so hard to change my status to single or just don't have one? Is it because I think there is a chance still?

But if you change it everyone will see you are single and you could be appoached. Isn't that a good thing?

Private profile lol

Hey T-123,
Sometimes Facebook goes down and it's impossible to do anything. I just tried to change my status and it seems to be working.
Click "Profile" along the top banner. When that page appears, look on the left hand side to "Information". Click onto the blue "edit" box which looks like a pencil. Click "Edit Information" When that page appears click onto the "Relationship Status" bar and scroll to the one that suits you. You have to "Save" your choice with the blue tab at the bottom of the page. I hope that helps.
~S

I think its prob ably hard b\c if you don't change it to single or nothing you might still hope that there is a chance. When I broke up with my boyfriend I found it hard as well... mostly b\c I wasn't ready to talk to other people about it and the moment you change it to single people ask questions. Hehe which they did once I did change it.

Hope you figure it out though! :)

Change the darn thing, and be done with it.

Can you make it "looking!"

Ask Me Help Desk - Search Results (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search.php?searchid=3398373)

I guess you didn't like my answer to this question. (don't blame you)

Starting a new thread is confusing to readers, and its recommended to just reply to the old thread.

I had that problem as well, just edit your status to be hidden. And eventually you will want people to see that you are single :)

What's going to happen once you leave?. the distance is going to make it hard again and the same thing is going to happen. Maybe try and work on when you 2 can actually be together( like living together) and plan ahead, opposed to planning what's going to happen right now.

Why do u have so many threads with the same questions?. most people who answers questions on here are regulars. Just stay to 1 post, don't worry we will still answer it :)

Read this and compare it to what has been discussed between you. Have you done any of these things??

Long Distance Relationship Advice | The Frisky (http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-handle-this-seven-ways-to-survive-a-long-distance-relationship/?cnn=yes)

As bad as it sounds, something in me just doesn't want to cut it off completely and thinks there is something. But I know trying to get her back is a bad idea, just one of those things that pops in my head every now and then

I wouldn't go man, it'll make you a mess, I know your hoping to spark things back up and everything but, I think she would've tried to send you some signs and such if that was the case. Do what you think is right for you, if you feel you NEED to see her one last time or give it one last shot, hell go for it pal. And best of luck to you.

What kind of signs? She broke the silence, said she loves me and just needs her time, and really glad I decided to come see her. I don't know what kind of signs she could give. She kept saying its not over but just needs time. I thought flying me up, staying with her and her family meant something, but now I don't know anymore. She says it'll just be us like it always is when I'm up there. If she had intentions of moving on, why would she do this?

I would go then, I would say expect nothing though. Let her come onto you or show interest let her say I love you first crap like that, don't pressure her, let her sit next to you instead of you going to sit next to her, act like it's a first date.

That's all there. Its just she doesn't know if she can do another 2 years of distance after we already did 3.5. I'm just finding it tough to get how someone could give up

Starting to sound like you simply have unanswered questions, if you don't get your answers while your there before you leave I would ask for your own sake.

Its driving me nuts. She doesn't want to cut ties, doesn't want to just be friends. It would be great if she realized by the time I was there that she wanted to be wit me, because otherwise, I'm hoping for my own sanity, that I'm over it by then

Just do it

How does someone find it in themselves to not communicate with you after 3 and a half years? Its killing me, but I can't initiate contact. I wonder if its bothering her or if its been easy just to not talk to me? What positive things do time do for a relationship?

what positive things do time do for a relationship?

BABIES A MORTGAGE AND A DOG! If the relationship is strong enough to survive time and adversity.

turtleneck123;1391212how does someone find it in themselves to not communicate with you after 3 and a half years?
Her feeling have changed and she has had time to heal and move in another direction, as this was no shock to her as it is to you. She has been thinking of this break up long enough to be ready to deal with it. Give yourself time and so will you.

its killing me, but I can't initiate contact.
Yeah, that happens at first and as hard as it is, stick with NO CONTACT what so ever!

I wonder if its bothering her or if its been easy just to not talk to me?
Obviously not any more. Your on your own. Been there done that, a long time ago, and I know how much it sucks!

Turtle, I will tell you right now that you will make yourself go crazy the rest of your life, by wondering how someone could just give up. The point you are missing here is that they aren't JUST giving up, they gave up a while ago, but naturally they were holding on because they didn't want to have to ever face that they may have let go of something good. It is hard for you to see that she let go, because you are so far in love yourself, and because you were willing to over look many possible warning signs, because you would never want to believe that the end was a possibility, and that is natural and is what we all think when we are in relationships. The simple fact that she is willing to give up on the relationship at all, instead of doing whatever it takes to make it work, is the most simple and clear sign that her heart is not completely in it. Do you want a relationship with someone that is only going to have part of their heart in it? Do you want to make 70% of an investment with someone, when you are the only getting a 50% return, while they are putting only 50% and getting the same return you are?

You are willing to do whatever it takes and that is an amazing trait, and in many cases a sign of maturity. As far as love goes, you are mature enough to see that love does not come easy and that you will need to work hard and invest a lot, and unfortunately, she isn't there yet. Some people never get there, but trust me, there are many women in this world that are on that same level and understand those same things, and are going to be willing to invest as much as you will, and that will make a great relationship for you. Is your ex making a mistake? Yes, I think she is, but that is something that she is going to have to see on her own... or something that she may never see... but you have a life t live and you need to start doing it.

She texted me today saying she sent me a check for booking the flight and was bored at work, but I didn't respond. She also imed me, why I was ignoring her, said I wasn't, and then she tried seeing how things were, I had a few short responses and signed off. I don't want to kill my chances if there are any left, but I feel like I have to do this to move on.

The more you communicate, the more you kill your chances. You are not in any way saving anything by communicating. You have to remember, all she is thinking about if her actions, not yours. You however, are thinking about what she is going to think about what you do. You are living your life for her and not for yourself. Trust me, if she really wants you (like a person that you want to spend the rest of your life with should), then she will do whatever it takes to be with you. Cut off the communication, and then over time you will see how she really feels. If she does whatever it takes to be with you, then you know that she is the one, but if not then, well that give you the answer as well. You are being weak right now, and you need to be stronger than ever.

She imed me about 10 times today. Starting small talk, but I didn't respond. She said she kneew I was there, this and that. Later on she imed me to say that he passed her cpa this and that. She then said o I guess you want to play the ignore me games and sorry just wanted to tell you what happen. She went through a tough time during it, so I felt bad to not say congratulations and did about ten minutes later, and also said I didn't see the messages, when I truly did. She said thank you and signed off. Should I have just completely ignored her? I did except for the congratulations and don tell me I'm playing games, I didn't see them. I didn't say anything else and I won't. I guess I should continue no contact an if she comes to the point where she says she wants to be together, then I have to think about it, if it ever happens?

You see what happens when you respond? Now you are the one who is left with questions. She simply said "thank you" and logged off. Now, you are the one in limbo. Ignore, and delete!

When would I ever know if it was right to respond back?

You won't, and that is why you shouldn't. It is confusing huh? Just ignore and move on. For right now, you need not worry.

You will never NEED to respond to her. Need is all a matter of mentality. You may think you NEED to respond to her, buy you NEVER need to. It is up to you.

Take a second and break down what happened when she imed you...

First she writes you and you don't respond.

Second, then she writes you more because she wants to know why you aren't responding.

Thirdly, at this point she is really not sure what is going on because she is so used to having you just respond to her whenever she wants. (having cake and eating it too sound familiar)

Fourth, she starts to say that you are playing games because you aren't responding... well the simple fact is, she has to say that now because she knows that is what will get to you and well surprise, surprise, she doesn't like her own medicine.

Fifth, she is starting to see that she is not in control and doesn't like that so that is also why she wrote the "playing games" comment.

Sixth, she was using this whole cpa thing as an excuse to get in touch with you. Who cares whether she had a tough time. She gave you up and therefore she can go share that news with all the other people in her life.

Lastly, she finally breaks you down, and you respond and now she still knows that she has control of the situation if feels good to her. You are mistaking her need to ease her conscience with her actually caring.

I am not here to piss you off or hurt you in any ways, he! I am here to help you. EVERYONE ON THIS SITE REPRESENTS THE EYES THAT CAN SEE WHAT YOU CANNOT SEE BECAUSE YOU ARE BLINDED!

You need to cut off all communication. ALL COMMUNICATION! NO RESPONDING, NO MATTER WHAT! You see how she was being when you didn't respond to her? She didn't like the idea that you were actually being a man and that you weren't going to be a part of her BS and her games. Then when you communicated she got what she wanted, and then was gone. If she wants a congrats from you, then perhaps she should have rethought her previous decisions.

I'm trying to help you here, and trust me, I will. But you have to start listening. Once you start that, you will begin to see these things for yourself as well.

You're right, just having a tough time because I keep thinking to myself what if she realizes she messed up? Honestly, because it has been more than a few days, Im not ruling out that I would get back with her, or should I just force myself if the opportunity arises and I want it, not to be with her?

Continuing to stay in contact with her will only worsen your chances of you two getting back together... but the whole point is, you NEED to not even think about that right now. You need to see it as done. She made a decision to do her own thing for now, and SHE made that decision. Now, YOU need to make a decision for YOU, and do your own thing. Stop even worrying about whether you will get back together. You can't make her want to get back with more, but you can make your chances worse, by continuing to communicate with her. The term, "absence makes the heart grow fonder" didn't just appear out of nowhere. Believe in that. Plus, with that absence, you enable yourself the time to start doing things for you and you enable yourself to start healing, and don't be surprised if during that time, you start to notice how screwed up her decisions are. So give up on the what if's... the point is that it is over for now. You go about your way, and if she ever decides to come around, then she can catch up with you then. Don't think about what she is doing, or what she is thinking or what could happen if you do this or that. She isn't thinking about that right now, and she is the one doing the decision making. Start being the one in control here and take care of yourself. Responsibility and knowing who you are and not being afraid to back that up and put your foot down, are some of the most admirable and attractive traits that we as man can have. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you will start healing.

She called, iming me again too. I haven't responded. What could she possibly want? And want will tell me if she wants to get back? I feel like I'm just playing a game with her

I'm having a hard time justifying not responding back at all because it hasn't even been a week since she said she needed time. Yesterday she began trying to contact me, mainly aim, and then once by phone later on at night, and then back to aim to say she called but wasn't sure if it went through. I just don't want to be on bad terms because as of right now I will be visiting her in a month, as long as nothing happens i.e.. Her and another guy. I want to see her and hope it does happen, but I couldn't be shocked if something did. Should I just respond if she contacts me again and say, I can't talk to you until you have what you want figured out? And then go one with myself? I understand the no contact when its bad terms or been awhile, but its only been a few days and the only bad term b/t us was "her needing time." I just feel like I'm jumping the gun, but she probably doesn't even know what she wants

Your frustration with understanding not communicating is normal. Let me lay it out in front of you in a clearer way so that you can see it easier...

She wants her space to think about things. This is what she has told you. So, you grant her space. The point here is that there is more that she is not telling you. She doesn't need to take any space, when this is a long distance relationship to begin with. This is an easier way for her to either let go and let you down easy, or to have the opportunity to see what else is out there, and keep you stringing along in case it sucks.

So, what do you do? You give her space. Why is she calling you and trying to get ahold of you? Because she wants to have her cake and eat it to. She wants to have that attention from you to know that she is still wanted, while she does her own thing without having to be responsible for giving you attention.

You see, she wanted space, and you are giving her what she wants. It's not a concern to you whether she likes it. She didn't really care what you thought about her taking space did she? It's not that it's a game you are playing, but instead, you are just giving her what she wants, space. She is the one playing the games.

You are doing what she asked, and this is a point in which you will see how much she really loves you, because if you doing exactly what she asked, is reason enough for her to just give up, then that is showing you the real side of her, at her own expense. You haven't jumped any gun here. I can't say it enough, but you have done exactly what you need to do and exactly what she asked.

As for whether you should contact her or not, you don't need to do that. She already knows that. Remember, she is the one that asked for the space... so she is well aware of this already. This is why you need to stop worrying about wondering if anything you do is going to jeopordize your chances with her. You need to do things for yourself right now.

Thanks, that was a great post. The only edge I think she has right now is that she knows I plan to come up to where she is in a month, as long as she isn't involved with anyone else. More or less I am just going to have fun, whether its with her or not, but at least will be with my friends, and she paid for half the flight, so its very cheap. I will have to contact her a few days before I go up, but that's still a while from now, I just think she may know that and because she is stubborn and I doubt would ever swallow her pride, she will probably just wait to hear from me. But that shows a lot about her character. If anything though, I am just sticking to the mindset that I didn't do anything wrong when I go through those moments when I doubt ignoring her, even though she has only called once in the last 5 days, sent two texts. Since we broke up she has been trying to contact me through aim everyday, but I stopped going on or put up an away message if I need to be on.

She sent a few texts today, telling me how she is getting out of work early and asking about my finals... still not what I'm looking to hear so I've continued to ignore her. Good idea or no?

If she's contacting you that's already a plus, I would handle it now how you'd like to because I'm in a situation my girlfriend left me after 4.5 years and hasn't spoke to me in weeks, and if she started texting or calling me, I couldn't even tell you how I'd react, I'd say follow your heart kid.

still not what I'm looking to hear so I've continued to ignore her. Good idea or no?
Make up your mind, and drop the games. Ignoring someone because its not what you want to hear is a selfish game, that will get you confused, and frustrated.

Forget false hope, and wrap your head around getting your own act together without her.

Ignoring her will push her away, and really that's what you want, if your moving on.

So what are you doing?? Moving on, or trying to influence her into changing her mind, and taking you back?

I should need to influence her to get her back after 3.5 years. I told her when she knows what she wants or doesn't need anymore time, let me know. Now she's asking why I am ignoring her. I thought I should begin to try and move on and then if she ever decided she wanted to be wit me figure it out? Small talk w/ her just leads me on that something will happen, when it probably won't. I texted her back finally (long message) after she asked why I was ignoring her and told her how I felt, asked what she expected when she said she needed time. I told her it only will lead me on and give me false hope of things. We'll see if she responds back.

Talked to her and now I'm completely confused again. Seems that the hope of being together again is reemerging on my part, which takes me back to where I was a few days ago. I told her I could not keep talking to her if we weren't going to be together at this point, it would only give me false hope. I also said to her that she told me she was open to meet other guys and she denied that, saying she wants to be alone for right now. I also said that it seems like you don't want to get back together ever again and she denied that as well. She seemed to put it on me if we didn't get back together. She said she knew and wanted to be back with me after her time. She also was telling me how she has potential good news, that if I come up, she got off work one of the days during the week I am there. She said she doesn't think it is a good idea for me to ignore her (obviously, whether she wants to be wit me or not), but would understand if I did. She said all the stress and fighting recently has led to her needing time because she couldn't take it anymore. I don't know what to believe. She could easily be playing me for a fool or being honest with me and does need some time for everything to cool off. She said it has been hard not talking to me, as I said also. She also said again, that all she wants is for me to be there where she is living, but she knows and we have had this conversation. Many times, that it won't happen for at least another year and a half, where I once again said, if you can't be in a relationship like that, just tell me.
I'm not trying to convince her of being with me again whatsoever. I feel like she needs to make that decision on her own, w/o any influence from me.
I don't know how to handle this anymore, as you can all tell. I really don't want to make that mistake and blow her off when she is being completely honest and faithful. I will be seeing her in a month unless something bad occurs on her part and I feel like maybe this time thing for her now until she sees me could lead to a fresh start. But, that may not be enough time for her. I just feel like having the attitude and impression that we are going to get back together will only set myself up to be hurt even more, so I think I'm going to just keep convincing myself that this probably won't work out, its possible but unlikely, so I don't keep having false hope if it turns out not to work. I'm also not sure if talking with her is such a great idea because I don't want to start thinking I'm dating her and expecting to hear from her everyday, when we aren't together. Maybe talking not regularly, on impulse would be better? Like I have posted before, I don't want to possibly push her away if she is being honest, but I also don't want to set myself up to get hurt again if she's lying.
I love the girl to death and really want this to work out sometime soon, but like you all said, I need to live for me and not be miserable/depressed. Any suggestions or feedback would be greatly appreciated

I can't give you any feedback. I know it is hard and all I can do is offer my support. I have been broken up for three months now, but the sadness and missing my ex feelings are really creeping in as the holidays approach. I just want you to know that I am here for you and understand how rough this is. It is apart of life. I am no expert on relationships, so I will leave the advice to the experts. Good luck, and have a great Thanksgiving.

Wow pal, sticky situation. I think this is where you take the bull by the horns and do what you think you need to do for yourself.

I think I'm going to just try and play it cool, talk if she contacts me if I'm available or feel like talking, maybe contact her occasionally, but I'm going to keep giving her time because otherwise this will go nowhere.

You go ahead, and try to be cool, when every conversation you have with her, confuses you.

What does that tell you about talking to her? Just think what seeing her in person and talking to her will be like??

You don't need advice, or suggestions at this point. Just review the ones you have already, and make a decision based on facts, that take your own interests, and well being into account.

I have tried going nc the last couple days because she wants time. She'll send me a text Every now and then just to see how my tests are going. Should I just keep nc? I'm supposed to be staying wit her in a few weeks. Don't want it to be awkward but she said she needed time, so why a text from her every couple days? For all I know she could be with another guy even though she says she needs time to be alone and won't be wit anyone else or moved on when I'm up there

I'm going to assume you guys are broken up?

So, I would say do whatever makes you more comfortable if your going to be staying with her and such, I would either give short quick replies and end the conversation asap, or I would simply ask her to stop contacting you because this is what she asked for, in this scenario I don't feel ignorance would be the right solution.

I hope this helps!

I'd say your doing the right thing. If she needs time and space or whatever give it to her.

She needs to realize what life is without you. So give what she asks and live your own life too.

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You have started yet another post asking the same questions of the same female, so I assume your unclear, and confused, as to how, and what to do.

In your other posts, you are scheduled for a trip to see her, and you are broken up, and its true that its doubtful this trip will get you back together, just my opinion.

Since your adamant about seeing her do so, as I think her contacting you is her way of making sure your still coming to see her, and keep you on your mind.

Your confusion comes from your inability to make a decision based on the facts you have, as to where this LDR is going. So far your following her, and hoping she changes her mind.

You seem to have ignored the link I sent you to that tells you to communicate and define the boundaries of this LDR, and choose to follow your heart, and do as she says.

You may as well learn the hard way the consequences of your actions, and inaction, and see what's up.

I strongly advise you to drop the No Contact, as you have been only half A$$ed been practicing this tool to healing, and it doesn't benefit you to pretend your healing, when your not. Your waiting for her to take you back, and that's not healing, nor trying to move on.

So, you may as well play her game and find out the hard way that without your honest input, and ability to stand up for yourself, you have no choice but to do as your told, whether it works for you or not.

Not trying to be harsh, just keeping it real, so you have something to think about.

I am confused. I want to go nc. And yes, I do hope she wants to get back, but my #1 priority right now is to try and get happy again, and if it means NC then I got to do it. I do want to see her in a couple weeks because we will have fun, regardless if we are officially together or not, plus I think it will be a reality check for me. I just don't want to blow my chance of seeing her by ignoring her, but then again, if she wanted to see me that bad wouldn't it not matter to her if I ignore her now and still come see her? She says she wants me to come regardless if I ignore her or not. I think I need to take the risk , maybe mention one more time that I need to do this with my life so I'm not miserable and can accept the facts? And if by ignoring so I can stop driving myself nuts about this, she finds another guy, I know its not meant to be and cancel going to stay with her? I think its time to just go by, "let her go and if she comes back it's meant to be?"

What do you think when the ex tells you she understands this is hard on me and will understand if I don't want to talk to her? Does it mean she could care less to talk to me? If so, why has she been so adamant on me visiting her even if I do decide to ignore her the next couple weeks? Or could she realize it is tough on me and is being understanding?

T-neck, its pretty obvious your mind is starting to play tricks on you. Take heed when you start looking at every little thing she says as having some monumental importance. She was telling you whatever you do is fine with her.

Your already in friend zone, so what difference does it make?

She's trying to be understanding. She's hurting too and probably would like the same understanding shown to her.. no 'plot'! (very sinister word to use? :) )

So what are you saying, I should be there to talk when she contacts me, basically like being on call whenever she feels like contacting me, pretty much when she is bored?

so wut are you saying, i should be there to talk when she contacts me, basically like being on call whenever she feels like contacting me, pretty much when she is bored?

No contact.If she calls don't pick up.She will get the message.

Turtle, I'm telling you right now, you are going to continue to kill yourself over this. She has already created a reputation as a game player and shown that she is just in this for herself. She is saying this because she is basically trying to put the ball in your court and make you feel guilty that you are doing no contact and not talking to her. The only reason she is considering talking to you is to fill a void that she has, because if you don't talk to her then she has to deal with the fact that she pushed you out of her life and perhaps gave up something good, whereas if you do talk to her and be friends with her, then she never has to worry about having done this, because you are still a part of her life. It is nothing deeper than that. Remember, you have the power right now as long as you aren't speaking to her and staying no contact. If you refer to the "break up first aid" sitcky, one of the things mentioned in there is something to the effect of "...the less you do, the more power you have...". The less you communicate with her, the more she is going to have to realize, and the less you are going to have to worry about.

So, as for this comment, don't respond to her, and just let it be. There is no reason for her to be expecting a response from you, so don't worry about thinking that you needed to give her a response. Just leave it open as it is, and she can sit there and think about it, rather than you.

It's good that you came on here to ask the question though. You needed to talk to someone about this and get opinions because you are in a tough state of mind right now and can't really think clearly, so its good you came on here to ask. Listen to us though, and you will be able to start naturally seeing these things on your own. You have to stay no contact, and you don't reply to this message from her.

I've posted on here a number of times about my situation. Just want to know what you all think realistically. I have been going NC for almost a week. Only have received one text from her and a few ims, didn't respond to any. I am supposed to be visiting her in about 2.5 weeks. She paid for half the flight. If I continue to go NC, you think she will just tell me to forget about coming and staying with her? She told me a week or so ago she understands if I don't want to talk to her and last time we talked, through texts, she said I want you to come and it'll be like usual. I asked if we don't talk do you think we'll still see each other or you'll be moved on and she replied I want to see you if you want to come up and I will not be moved on. (of course she's not going to say shell be moved on) More or less, Im just concerned w/ going up to see her or being able to make other plans if it doesn't work out to see her. I plan to keep going NC for the next week before I give her a call or text to make sure it is OK to come still, otherwise I need to make other plans. I am not trying to play a game just want to uncondition myself from her. Realistically, you think she will just say don't come if I keep going NC or you think I should make a little small talk to keep the trip on? I do want to go and see her, so I'm saying I don't want to mess it up. She said she understands, but Im not trying to be oblivious if you all think its obvious she's going to say don't come. She has only texting me once, so its not like she has been constantly trying to get in touch with me. I want to go up just to have fun, and will not make any attempts at getting back with her. Am I being oblivious thinking she will still want me to come? What do you recommend?

Why did you break up and begin NC in the first place?

I got to be honest, I don't think it matters one way or the other. If you continue to go NC to 'uncondition' yourself off her, all that progress will be lost once you visit her. If you plan on moving on from this, then you should't see her, period. I guess my point is, you really aren't trying to move on from her, you are really trying to see what reactions you get from her by going NC, and also what reactions you would get from her by visiting her. I think it is a dangerous game to be playing, unless you want to get her back.

I am going up because we will have a good time, plus all my friends who I grew up with are all there too. Im strictly going to have fun, nothing more and I told her if you think it is going to be awkward for you just let me know. She said there is no reason it would be, it'll be just like normal.

itll be just like normal.

Normal is thrown out the window once you have had a sexual relationship with someone. At least, in my opinion. You cannot go up there and expect everything to be 'normal' and then leave with no emotions whatsoever. I just think you are playing with fire in this situation, and I don't want you to get burnt.

Meaning I will just be back to square one after I leave?

Exactly... I promise you that you will be back to square one. As a matter of fact, I have found that in these situations, I actually feel worse than being in square 1.

The reason I was asking why you broke up in the first place was because you DID break up for a reason. You went NC for a reason. If you break it, like KCT says, you'll lose all that you've gained.

It won't be "just like it was before" because your worlds have changed. You've split up and you're no longer a couple. That is very different then before.

If you go NC, you go NC. Period.

NC is not a game, its not a means to an end, nor is it a way to "get back" at someone, or try to maintain order. It is a healing measure, meant to heal your heart and help you move on.

Visiting her does nothing to heal your heart, nor does it help you move on.

Make other plans. Stop playing with your feelings with these NC games. Either your moving on, or getting a temporary fix by visiting her then its over.

Do you honestly think she will take you back while you visit her?? I don't and your fooling yourself if you do.

To avoid confusion, your last two threads were merged. Not necessary to start another post to get more feedback, just stay with this one, and participate and let it evolve.

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I finally responded to her online last night after she asked me to please stop ignoring and wanted to know if I was still coming. I answered her because I was concerned about my plans going up there. She tells me she wants me to come and then she says it might be awkward because we aren't together and haven't talked. She said she wants me to come like I said, but doesn't want to get back together and wants to be on her own for awhile. I said I know its over and we aren't getting back together but she loves to throw in that she sees us in the future together, which is just trying to break it easy to me. Then she was asking if I wanted to go with her and her friends on New Years or what my plans were. I told her if there are going to be boundaries I can't stay with you, thatll be weird. She said again she didn't know what the exact boundaries would be if there are. Then she started getting an attitude because I was asking these questions and she said she didn't want to talk about it anymore. I said I needed for her to tell me today if I should come or not and if it will be awkward then Im not and she agreed.
If we could just put things aside and enjoy the time I'm up there, I don't think it would be awkward unless she puts me in the friends' zone. She said that won't happen. I asked her how it would be around her friends and she said just like we were together, I could hold her hand, kiss her, etc. Then eventually the possibility of boundaries came up as per other things, even though she expected me to sleep in bed with her because she said when we fight, she is not about doing things like that. If no fighting and there are boundaries that's where I see awkwardness coming up. I just don't get after 3.5 years how it could be awkward and there are boundaries. Could her feeling change that quick? Why would she be about kissing and laying together, but possibly boundaries to other things? I suspected there was someone else but she said no, your coming in 2 weeks, and I don't want that. (sure)
I texted her at 2am to say I think we should get together one last time strictly to have a good time, no strings attached, if she isn't going to be awkward. I said I respect your decision to not be together, won't try to get back and there will be no fighting. It won't be awkward unless she does something awkward towards me. I still love her and am very attracted to her, but Im not looking to be with her anymore. The relationship ended in the spring, when I ended up staying down south. We had our sights set for the previosu year on me moving up there and when she found I wasn't, it was never the same, all expectations/hopes were killed.
I just want to go up there to have fun, be cool, leave off on a good note because I will probably be up there in a coupel years. I think this is very possible to have a good time but its now up to her. After a little while she said we would have fun, but we left off on the boundary issue. So if there is a boundary issue, I may just suck it up for my buddy and I so we have a place to stay and I don't have to spend a lot of money to switch flights. But if its going to be weird for her, like her not seeming to really care if I am there, not really hangoing out with me just having me tag along or being like why is he here, then I'm not going to come, but then stuck in a bind with the flights. I know it sounds bad, but a lot of me besides wanting to have a good time up there and leave on good terms is the convenience her place is to stay for me, otherwise it will be a tremendous hassle. I know it sounds messed up, but I may be willing to swallow my pride for a night if it'll be much easier to catch my flight home.

She's used to you coming to her rescue and taking care of her when she's in pain probably. She understands because she's human too and she did have same emotional investment.

I still think you are crusin' for a painful holiday season... just my opinion. You guys will be holding hands and kissing... am I missing something here. Sounds to me like you guys are still together.

I don see a reason starbucks why I should be coming to her rescue when she dumped me? I'm sorry if you don't know the whole story but she wanted the breakup, doesn't what to get back, etc. Ive been going NC but broke to see what the deal was with seeing each other.
We are not together, I don't know maybe Im living a fantasy of being able to go up there, be cool, flirting, have fun for the vacation and leave off on good terms? I have no problems leaving her on good terms, but if she said its going to be weird and I shouldn't come, then my perspective of her will completely change and it will be leaving off on a bad note to me.

Decisions, decisions, that's what life is about, go as a friend, and TRY to have a good time, or make other plans.

Doesn't sound like a fun holiday to me, as pretending to be together, is for the birds, and is a disaster waiting to happen. Your already in the friendzone, so what are you expecting beyond that, as she has said, no sex!

I will give you some credit, you stood up for yourself enough, to get some more facts, to make a decision for yourself, and let her know how you felt about this whole thing. That's a great thing on your part.

This is probably the worst plan I have seen written on this board. You are going to pretend you are together and than expect that your feelings will not come into play at all and you will not feel miserable when you leave?


If you have no feelings why don't u just go up there as a friend and maintain the boundaries exactly for the reason to protect yourself? Keep your distance and sleep in a different room?

Ur logic completely escapes me to be honest.

"if there are going to be boundaries I can't stay with you, thatll be weird. "

Acting like you are a couple when you are not is not weird?? :o

(Youll go up there and she will act like a friend, you will be confused and tell her she's not keeping her end of the bargain and you had different expectations and she will say "but we split up didnt we? what did u think was gonna happen?" and you will cry your way home.Probably.)

After 3.5 years, I feel like a break up not on bad terms right now, shouldn't make things weird and awkward just because the title is not there. Unless her feelings for me are gone, then I don't understand why you would hold back your feelings just because "we are not together." But, this is not on me. It is up to her to decide if she thinks I should come and we'll have fun. I feel like it is somewhat immature to hold back feelings after you invite someoen to come stay with you, just because the title is no longer there. Its only been about two weeks since we broke up.
I was the one who brought up the whole friends zone and awkwardness possibility, so if it wasn't for me, she wouldve just said I want you to come. However, I think it was a good idea to bring it up because I don't want to show up and she doesn't really want me there or feels weird that I'm there, like I'm unfinished business or something that needs to be ended. I told her to tell me by today and she agreed. So I'm assuming you would all agree that if I don't hear from her by today, I should assume that I'm not going to see her and make other arrangements. Making contact to see is just inappropriate I would assume. This girl is confused on what to do clearly and it may be partially because I brought up the question if she was going to be weird.
My confusion comes from her being so adamant that she doesn't want to get back together and wants to be on her own for awhile. Is this typical? Yes, I had hopes that her mind wouldve changed over the last couple weeks, but now it seems she is set on being on her own. Last time we talked she said she was not happy with things but was just trying to deal with it the best she could. So how does she become so set that she wants to be on her own if she still cares about me, is not happy with things, and as she put on her away message "I confuse the hell out of myself"? I get the point she doesn't want to be in a relationship, but do you think she has doubts but doesn't want to show that to me knowing she made this move? Is it possible for someone to be that sure so quickly, but then continue with saying well be together again, even though I know she's just trying to be nice?
So for now, Ill just see if she contacts me, which I am not all sure she will, and she what she says. If I talk to her by phone is it appropriate to ask how its going to be if she wants me to come? Because last night she said she didn't want to have these conversations. If she does want me to come I think I have a right to ask her if it is going to be the friend zone or not.

I should add that it is pretty pathetic that I wait to hear from a girl to see if its OK to come; however, I need to find out to change plans if needed. Im sure most of you disagree with what I'm doing, but like I said, I want to have fun if possible AND staying w/ her is a major convenience factor. I just can't stand waiting, but if I don't hear by tonight, then the move has to be made and I will have to begin complete NC, deleting any type of contact she may have with me or I may see what she is doing

Well I'm glad u realize its pathetic. Now if you would realize that for the rest of the situation we can come to a constructive discussion.

You are so annoyed waiting because u attach great importance to the outcome. A.K.A U HAVE STRONG EMOTIONS INVOLVED.


At least have the balls to come out and say u still love her and would love to get her back no matter what and you are trying everything to do so. Trying to mask it up with whatever rational u think applies, trying to make yourself look totally relaxed just seems pathetic.

I've said a number of times I still love her, you don't just stop loving one that quick. Being back with her I probably would but it would take a lot of talking and its not happening anyway

U don't just stop loving one that quick

No you don't. That's the problem.

I've posted on here many times before about this relationship. Long distance about 3.5 years. Last spring I told her I wasn't moving up where she was because of school which we expected to happen and obviously it effected her. It has been about 10 months since I told her I wasn't moving to her location. She has continued to deny ever cheating, seeing anyone, etc. while we were together and even for the past 1.5 months we broke up.
Around the time I broke the news to her, a few weeks or so later, I received an anonymous message online saying my girlfriend at the time was crashing at some kids house. The message supplier would not provide details, only the kid, but wouldn't say who they were, or what happened, etc. ever since the messages the relationship went downhill, lost trust and took time to somewhat get over seeing the messages, even though she denied it, claims to have told me everything, and we saw each other a few times since then.
I just visited her and some friends for the last week. She was completely rude to me for the first few days and then after an argument on new years where she acted completely different I left for the night and turned off my phone, I received 10 voicemails of crying and begging for me to come back telling me she loves me. I returned the next morning and she cried her eyes out, telling me she loves me, me not moving killed her, and she told me she kissed a friend on the lips when we broke up but never cheated. All this while for the last month we barely talked and when she did she was mean and continued to say she didn't want to be back together.
Problem is that she has certaintly seemed to change to me and when I left on new years with my friend, we met up with a mutual friend of mine and my ex, her former roommate and best friend. This girl began telling me that after I told my ex I wasn't moving, my ex no longer was doing the right thing while we were together, told me the same thing about kissing the one kid on the lips, and kept saying I should move on. She would not give me any specifics.
I kept saying to my ex the remainder of the time I was at her house that I know she did something behind my back and just admit it. But she only continued to deny, try to cuddle and kiss me. She would blow off my comments and act as though it didn't even exist.
When I left to return home, she began crying again telling me she loved me etc, there will be no other guys, and we will no doubt see each other again.
Through talking with the mutual friend earlier today, she continued to assure me that she did some sketchy things but would not give any details. She also suggested for me to forget about her and I deserve better
My ex claims the fighting and questioning I gave her over the last 10 months or so is what has led to the break up and if there was no more distance like we expected, this would have never happened and all she wants is me there. My ex just called me to make sure I got in OK and I told her I cannot speak with her anymore because I know she cheated on me and such. She just said clearly your angry, I told you everything,and thought we were going to stay on good terms and begin talking again. I said I couldn't until she gained some respect and admitted what happened.
Who do I believe?? My ex definantly changed since me telling her and me receiving the messages; seems to be a different person, more interested in friends, two of her friends approached me and said they did not want to hook up with her and she wants every guy to want her and be the center of attention, a lot of arguing, and our sex life has even tappered off. The first three years, when we saw each other sex took up a lot of our time and now she just says that's all I think about and doesn't seem interested. She wanted to cuddle and kiss 24/7 and paid for me to visit her. Its her or the mutual friend who I know isn't on the best terms with my ex right now, but also has her own history of being sketchy, but that was when she was single, as I was told through my ex.
I feel terrible because 1. the thought of her having sex with another guy disgusts me esp. when we were together but 2. find it tough to believe she would not just fess up to it, and instead has done as I've posted earlier. I convinced myself she would never do something like that to me, but I have no idea now. Me and the ex obviously won't be talking anymore. I wanted to try and see if we could be on good terms and possibly see each other if possible but now I'm disgusted. How do I stop thinking about her being with another guy? Or should I believe her that she didn't cheat on me? I mean typically suspicion is enough, but id hate to ruin something possibly in the future for false information when I thought this relationship had a chance to go for awhile. Is it possible for someone to be this heartless or is this typical and its just so shocking because I put so much trust that she wouldn't cheat on me. Could the mutual friend be telling me the truth?

This relationship is so poisoned already, and your already doubting her. Buddy, you need a nice long break to figure yourself out with out her influence.

It is amazing to me how much energy is spent harassing a relationship long after it has ended. It can take YEARS sometimes for the mind to eventually admit what the heart already knows... that it's over.

For WHATEVER reason, you know this is over, right? No trust, no politeness, no closeness (not even geographic)...

Is the ONLY way you will end this for good is if you two completely hate each other? That's not necessary, you know? You could just call it what it is and wish each other well, and go your separate ways.

A year later you will both be SO glad you did. Life is short, how much time are you willing to invest in a prolonged (yet inevitable) breakup process?

Tru. I just have a tough time not knowing for sure if anything happened and who to believe. We were only discussing talking on good terms and seeing each other if OK to do and possible. If its not true, then id believe this could all be forgotten eventually and maybe be a future which she insists on. I just want to know who you all would believe and what's the best way to cope with forgetting about and not be disgusting over a girl who cheated and continues to deny it. She def can't even stand me talking to another girl knowing we aren't together because every night out if I was talkig to another girl or girl I knew, shed come over and try to get involved asap.
I had a girlfriend in the past who was rumored to have cheated, then broke up with me, and few months later begged me to come back, admitted to doing things after we broke up but never when together. I mention this because after me and this ex broke up I began hanging out with the new one a month or so later and here we are 3.5 years later

Learn from your own past, at least don't follow in your own missteps. The definition of insanity is to do the same things over and over expecting a different result.

Obviously I don't want to have to look at my ex as one that cheated on me behind my back for awhile now, regardless of how many times it was. I cannot respect her for doing that. If there was a breakup and no cheating involved, I would be confused by still love the hell out of her and respect her. I wish that was the case that is why I ask, you think her ex roomate/our mutual friend who currently isn't on the best of terms with my ex and talks to me constantly, would be making things up, possibly embellishing? I know anything is possible and at this point I believe her more than my ex, but I cannot completely trust this girl either knowing she talks bad about my ex sometimes and is definitely interested in meeting up sometime. She won't give details because she claims she doesn't have them, but provides enough info. Each time the topic is up to disgust me enough about my ex. Clearly I'm hoping things didn't change and lead to the breakup with my ex because she cheated, but it seems almost obvious it did. She began iming me last night asking why I deleted her from Facebook and that I can't just shut her out of my life. I then told her why, that she cheated and it went on for 20 minutes or so, until she said I was clearly angry and going. She is obviously never going to admit to anything if she did cheat. Why would she? esp. when she thinks we will be back together sometime in the future.

How much longer are you going to let her dangle that hook out to you to keep you grasping at it but never grabbing a firm hold? Whether she cheated or not is none of your concern anymore, she ended the relationship and it seems you are perfectly fine with rehashing the wounds over and over

Let's see, every conversation you have with her leads to more frustration on your part. This sound like a good plan?

You need to let it go. You need to stop the insanity, and by insanity I mean the need to communicate with her as if you'll get anything other than MORE frustration.

Stay off the phone, stay off the computer, if you stumble into voice contact... end it one sentence "Oh, sorry, no time to talk...bye."

Cut it out.