Dalliesgrrl
Nov 19, 2008, 09:51 PM
There is no good place to start on this, and really no way I could give all the necessary history. I'll do my best.
In November 2007, after 23 years of anger and hurt and being 8 months pregnant, I replied to my mother's nasty email stating:
"Well, mom, what I don't want is this. I'm sick and tired of biting my tongue and tip toeing around you as to not upset you or start anything; consider that over too. I am at a point in my life where I have other things to focus energy on and trying to work on a relationship with you has proved time and time again to be something that isn't working. I'm sorry you are unhappy in your life and your not where you'd like to be, as you tell me, but I will no longer let you make me feel bad for your decisions. I am very happy with my husband and my life, and I'm sorry that you are not happy with yours. Please respect that I think of you as an amazing grandmother whom I can't wait to share my daughters life with, but as far as having a relationship with you as a mother, I no longer wish to pursue that; let's not pretend we get along or really have a relationship in the first place. I feel sorry that you think I only contact you when I want something, but I'm more sorry that you don't ever go out of your way to contact me or come and stay with us... so be it. I truly do respect your feelings and wish nothing but happiness for you, but at this point, I'm fed up being your doormat and being made to feel sorry for you and your decisions. I look forward to seeing you at Christmas, but perhaps sharing our Christmas with the girls is something better suited for Becky's[my mother in law] house as I don't want to inconvienance you with needing to stay there. Misconstrue this as you will, but I'm taking charge of my life and my feelings and will not let my own mother make me feel bad any longer... Take care and hopefully things look up for you this holiday season. I wish you all the best."
I'm sure your thinking what an awful daughter I am to of sent such an email to my own mother. Please, for a moment, think of the anguish and pain I was suffering just to write that. My mother shot back very quickly with an email that was so nasty, and so painful to read, that it's locked away in a folder in my email, in which I never want to read again. She brought up every bad thing I'd ever done, listed every one of my faults, and threw up how my actions were so unfounded. The email cursed at me, called me foul names, and wrote me off as the worst child. I did not reply.
My mother came by my mother in law's home the night before my baby shower and dropped off gifts stating she had other plans.
I sent out an email to all family letting them know the directions to the hospital I was delivering at, and welcome them all to visit us at the hospital and at our home afterwards. My mother did not come to the first of my only child.
My mother came, with the shield of my older sister and her children, to our home a few days after I delivered, but did not speak one word to me or my spouse. She was extremely rude to my mother in law who was staying with us to help take care of the baby. She left without saying anything to us. Still, I did not respond to this.
My husband and I were both in the National Guard at this time, and on the weekends we had military duty, I would send my mother emails prior to ask if she wanted to watch the baby and visit with her while we were away. On two occassions, she agreed. When I picked up my daughter after the first visit, my mother corned me while holding my infant daughter stating that it was because of me that she had missed out on so much. This was all my fault. That she would let us stay there on those weekends so she could visit with the baby, but that my husband and I were not welcome. Still, I did not respond and just thanked her for watching the baby and left. I drove home in tears and my husband vowed to never let me go over there alone again. Note, my husband has always disliked my mother for the way she treated me and the things she said. I was not alone in my view of her. My fathers reply to my concerns was always the same, "There's a reason we're divorced."
The second visitation was met with some arguments. My mother refused to pick up my daughter from my in laws house since it was so early in the morning, but rather allowed me sister to go get my daughter and spend half the day with her, allowing my mother only a few hours to see the baby. When my husband and I went to pick her up, my husband was quick in packing her things and getting us out the door before she could say much to me. Hind site: I didn't say much to her either, as I was scared she would corner me again and a fight would ensue. Upon returning home, I was met with this email:
"I will not be seeing Evie[my daughter] in June. I am no longer going to ride this emotional roller coaster you seem to wish to control. Obviously, you have no idea of the impact your words/actions against me, have had. No Mother deserves the treatment from her daughter that I've received from you. Your idea of me being an "amazing Grandmother" to your child is not going to happen considering you don't feel you need your Mother in your life.
I didn't think my heart could hurt any further after what you'd done but knowing I won't be seeing Evie digs even deeper than I ever thought possible.
However, I won't 'schedule' visits with Evie like I'm some type of an "ex" who is allowed visitation rights from time to time. I would like for you to always tell Evie that I love her but you also must take the responsibility for explaining to Evie when she's older, why it is that her maternal Grandmother wasn't involved in her life. Just make sure you tell her the truth... the real truth. Hopefully, you'll be able to give her some solid reasons after you get past "No, she wasn't an alcoholic, No, she wasn't a drug-addict, and Yes, she always loved & cared for me...."
Maybe Evie will have a different outlook on life and more love for family and not end up cutting you out of her life.
I wish you, Evie, Dallas, Penelope, and Lillie... health, happiness and safety."
Again, I did not respond. To be honest, I never have. I never replied, I never wrote, I never called her. We haven't spoken since receipt of this email. I was okay with that. It was her decision. I never kept my child from her, nor would I ever. I wanted us to be "cordial" with one another so she could be a part of my daughters life, as much as she wanted in fact. My husband and I are in her hometown atleast once, if not twice a month and I would love for her to visit with her grandchild. I still would; to some extent. At this point, I fear my anger has taken over.
Without leaving too much out, I'll add that I have since received an seven-page handwritted letter from my mothers best friend, my older sister, again pointing out my flaws and disregard for our family. My sister, like my mother, is not capable of being happy for anyone else if they themselves are not happy. I was not surprised at the receipt of this letter, nor did I respond.
Both my mother and sister sent gifts for one of my stepdaughters birthday in August. The packages were addressed to my husband. He did not feel the need to send thank you notes.
My sister sent me a text message the day after my oldest stepdaughters birthday in October asking if her birthday was of the same date, but in November. I stated that her birthday was the previous day, but thank you for the well wishings I assume she was giving. My sister took it upon herself to send a gift and when the courier was met with an empty house upon delivery, as we'd move, I was again sent a nasty email:
"Hmmm, you move, knowing I'm going to send a gift, and don't say anything about where to ship it? Too late. Package is already in route back to Springfield. It's obvious you don't want me to have your address, and frankly I don't give a damn. But all that will do is impact the innocent children who are not able to receive gifts from me even though I had hoped to keep them out of this and enjoy buying for. Your choice. I will simply continue to document everything that your holier-than-thou self has done and posted and one day they will know the truth. Maybe this will give you some more ammo for your famous My Space page quotes that fill up my niece/nephew documentation so well. And yes, this email will go in there as well. But just when you think you've got the last laugh, you'd better think again... "
You'll note she uses the word "innocent". My sister has seen my daughter twice, and has never asked to see her again. I left three voicemails on her phone over the course of three months inquiring about visiting with her children thus allowing her to see mine, and none of my calls we returned.
My current situation is this: The weight that was lifted from my body once my mother was not around to hurt me was tremendious! I honestly do not feel she was acting out of love when would ignore me when I was speaking, put me down, put my husband and my family down, and make no means to be a family. But my mother is haunting me. In my dreams, my mother is there, in some form. The sad part is that in these dreams, I am so mad; so angry. I yell at her, I curse and scream! I am so mad at her for not wanting to be a part of my daughters life!
My husband and I discuss this topic on many occasions and we can never find the logic and reasoning in my mother. My children are all so young that they don't know who she is, nor would remember her or miss her, but to look at these beautiful little girls and not want to see them is something I will never understand.
Is there any sort of advice and help anyone may have? And PLEASE, I thank you for reading if you've made it this far. Can you imagine how long it would be if I were to go further?
In November 2007, after 23 years of anger and hurt and being 8 months pregnant, I replied to my mother's nasty email stating:
"Well, mom, what I don't want is this. I'm sick and tired of biting my tongue and tip toeing around you as to not upset you or start anything; consider that over too. I am at a point in my life where I have other things to focus energy on and trying to work on a relationship with you has proved time and time again to be something that isn't working. I'm sorry you are unhappy in your life and your not where you'd like to be, as you tell me, but I will no longer let you make me feel bad for your decisions. I am very happy with my husband and my life, and I'm sorry that you are not happy with yours. Please respect that I think of you as an amazing grandmother whom I can't wait to share my daughters life with, but as far as having a relationship with you as a mother, I no longer wish to pursue that; let's not pretend we get along or really have a relationship in the first place. I feel sorry that you think I only contact you when I want something, but I'm more sorry that you don't ever go out of your way to contact me or come and stay with us... so be it. I truly do respect your feelings and wish nothing but happiness for you, but at this point, I'm fed up being your doormat and being made to feel sorry for you and your decisions. I look forward to seeing you at Christmas, but perhaps sharing our Christmas with the girls is something better suited for Becky's[my mother in law] house as I don't want to inconvienance you with needing to stay there. Misconstrue this as you will, but I'm taking charge of my life and my feelings and will not let my own mother make me feel bad any longer... Take care and hopefully things look up for you this holiday season. I wish you all the best."
I'm sure your thinking what an awful daughter I am to of sent such an email to my own mother. Please, for a moment, think of the anguish and pain I was suffering just to write that. My mother shot back very quickly with an email that was so nasty, and so painful to read, that it's locked away in a folder in my email, in which I never want to read again. She brought up every bad thing I'd ever done, listed every one of my faults, and threw up how my actions were so unfounded. The email cursed at me, called me foul names, and wrote me off as the worst child. I did not reply.
My mother came by my mother in law's home the night before my baby shower and dropped off gifts stating she had other plans.
I sent out an email to all family letting them know the directions to the hospital I was delivering at, and welcome them all to visit us at the hospital and at our home afterwards. My mother did not come to the first of my only child.
My mother came, with the shield of my older sister and her children, to our home a few days after I delivered, but did not speak one word to me or my spouse. She was extremely rude to my mother in law who was staying with us to help take care of the baby. She left without saying anything to us. Still, I did not respond to this.
My husband and I were both in the National Guard at this time, and on the weekends we had military duty, I would send my mother emails prior to ask if she wanted to watch the baby and visit with her while we were away. On two occassions, she agreed. When I picked up my daughter after the first visit, my mother corned me while holding my infant daughter stating that it was because of me that she had missed out on so much. This was all my fault. That she would let us stay there on those weekends so she could visit with the baby, but that my husband and I were not welcome. Still, I did not respond and just thanked her for watching the baby and left. I drove home in tears and my husband vowed to never let me go over there alone again. Note, my husband has always disliked my mother for the way she treated me and the things she said. I was not alone in my view of her. My fathers reply to my concerns was always the same, "There's a reason we're divorced."
The second visitation was met with some arguments. My mother refused to pick up my daughter from my in laws house since it was so early in the morning, but rather allowed me sister to go get my daughter and spend half the day with her, allowing my mother only a few hours to see the baby. When my husband and I went to pick her up, my husband was quick in packing her things and getting us out the door before she could say much to me. Hind site: I didn't say much to her either, as I was scared she would corner me again and a fight would ensue. Upon returning home, I was met with this email:
"I will not be seeing Evie[my daughter] in June. I am no longer going to ride this emotional roller coaster you seem to wish to control. Obviously, you have no idea of the impact your words/actions against me, have had. No Mother deserves the treatment from her daughter that I've received from you. Your idea of me being an "amazing Grandmother" to your child is not going to happen considering you don't feel you need your Mother in your life.
I didn't think my heart could hurt any further after what you'd done but knowing I won't be seeing Evie digs even deeper than I ever thought possible.
However, I won't 'schedule' visits with Evie like I'm some type of an "ex" who is allowed visitation rights from time to time. I would like for you to always tell Evie that I love her but you also must take the responsibility for explaining to Evie when she's older, why it is that her maternal Grandmother wasn't involved in her life. Just make sure you tell her the truth... the real truth. Hopefully, you'll be able to give her some solid reasons after you get past "No, she wasn't an alcoholic, No, she wasn't a drug-addict, and Yes, she always loved & cared for me...."
Maybe Evie will have a different outlook on life and more love for family and not end up cutting you out of her life.
I wish you, Evie, Dallas, Penelope, and Lillie... health, happiness and safety."
Again, I did not respond. To be honest, I never have. I never replied, I never wrote, I never called her. We haven't spoken since receipt of this email. I was okay with that. It was her decision. I never kept my child from her, nor would I ever. I wanted us to be "cordial" with one another so she could be a part of my daughters life, as much as she wanted in fact. My husband and I are in her hometown atleast once, if not twice a month and I would love for her to visit with her grandchild. I still would; to some extent. At this point, I fear my anger has taken over.
Without leaving too much out, I'll add that I have since received an seven-page handwritted letter from my mothers best friend, my older sister, again pointing out my flaws and disregard for our family. My sister, like my mother, is not capable of being happy for anyone else if they themselves are not happy. I was not surprised at the receipt of this letter, nor did I respond.
Both my mother and sister sent gifts for one of my stepdaughters birthday in August. The packages were addressed to my husband. He did not feel the need to send thank you notes.
My sister sent me a text message the day after my oldest stepdaughters birthday in October asking if her birthday was of the same date, but in November. I stated that her birthday was the previous day, but thank you for the well wishings I assume she was giving. My sister took it upon herself to send a gift and when the courier was met with an empty house upon delivery, as we'd move, I was again sent a nasty email:
"Hmmm, you move, knowing I'm going to send a gift, and don't say anything about where to ship it? Too late. Package is already in route back to Springfield. It's obvious you don't want me to have your address, and frankly I don't give a damn. But all that will do is impact the innocent children who are not able to receive gifts from me even though I had hoped to keep them out of this and enjoy buying for. Your choice. I will simply continue to document everything that your holier-than-thou self has done and posted and one day they will know the truth. Maybe this will give you some more ammo for your famous My Space page quotes that fill up my niece/nephew documentation so well. And yes, this email will go in there as well. But just when you think you've got the last laugh, you'd better think again... "
You'll note she uses the word "innocent". My sister has seen my daughter twice, and has never asked to see her again. I left three voicemails on her phone over the course of three months inquiring about visiting with her children thus allowing her to see mine, and none of my calls we returned.
My current situation is this: The weight that was lifted from my body once my mother was not around to hurt me was tremendious! I honestly do not feel she was acting out of love when would ignore me when I was speaking, put me down, put my husband and my family down, and make no means to be a family. But my mother is haunting me. In my dreams, my mother is there, in some form. The sad part is that in these dreams, I am so mad; so angry. I yell at her, I curse and scream! I am so mad at her for not wanting to be a part of my daughters life!
My husband and I discuss this topic on many occasions and we can never find the logic and reasoning in my mother. My children are all so young that they don't know who she is, nor would remember her or miss her, but to look at these beautiful little girls and not want to see them is something I will never understand.
Is there any sort of advice and help anyone may have? And PLEASE, I thank you for reading if you've made it this far. Can you imagine how long it would be if I were to go further?