Hello I am a single mum of two children aged 10 & 13 - I have been separated from their father for 7 years, I receive no maintenance from my children's father and together we own the house I live in, I receive income support and interest payments on my mortgage.I have been in a relationship for almost 4 years with my partner who lives 120 miles away and visits me most weekends.
We have always assumed that one day we would sell both our houses and buy a place together, but every time this subject is broached we end up arguing.
I am desperate to get off benefits but after many interviews with lone parent advisors they have not been able to calculate how I would be better off going to work as I have a reasonably high mortgage to cover.
With the new law regarding benefits, when my youngest reaches 11 (in 6 months) I will no longer be entitled to income support and will need to go onto job seekers allowance, whereby I will need to prove that I am looking for work on a fortnightly basis or they will stop my allowance.
I feel that before this happens, me and my partner should buy a house together, I will then be free to work.
After recently discussing it with him he has told me he point blank refuses to sell his house as he feels he is being forced and it isn't the right time.
I can't understand why, after almost 4 years this isn't the right time.We have disagreed on where to live, but considering my children's schools and my family who I rely on a lot it would be better for us to live near where I am now.
He works from home and has no family nearby at all.
I have told him I can't see how our relationship will work as I feel very insecure about our future and my children's future too.
He doesn't want our relationship to end and gets extremely upset when I suggest that this should happen, but he will not consider taking this opportunity to sort something out once and for all.
I love him and I don't want to end our relationship, but I feel like we want different things and I don't want to keep having this argument and feeling this distressed. Any advice would be most gratefully received.
Thank you

Milly

I was in a situation very similar with my boyfriend of four years. I think you need to take the time to put your life together so you can make it with or without his assistance. Whether you choose to continue seeing him after his abandonment of you in this crisis is your choice, but you need to face a future about you and your children and get it together soon.

He has his agenda, and is comfortable with the way things are in his world, and you have your own agenda, and after 4 years, you haven't worked it out to the benefit of you both.

Let me put it this way, your kids, and your happiness, are not his responsibility, and you may have to do whats best for your own family, and leave his agenda alone.

Will the relationship survive this conflict?

Not unless your both willing to work together, and frankly, that ain't happening is it?

Without compromise, all you'll ever have is a weekend thing.

He has his agenda, and is comfortable with the way things are in his world, and you have your own agenda, and after 4 years, you haven't worked it out to the benefit of you both.

Let me put it this way, your kids, and your happiness, are not his responsibility, and you may have to do whats best for your own family, and leave his agenda alone.

Will the relationship survive this conflict??

Not unless your both willing to work together, and frankly, that ain't happening is it?

Without compromise, all you'll ever have is a weekend thing.

I would have hoped that we both would be partly responsible for each others happiness, but as he would not be making any sacrifices by moving to where I live, how could I compromise on my part?

You can't compromise on your part, he isn't compromising either. The compromise for your future would be moving in together.

You have to establish your new life independent from him. If you continue to be with him that is your choice, but you have to accept that he isn't ready to live together or sell his house. You can take that or leave that, but if you are as hurt as you should be for that sort of message than you need to put your life together and move on without him.