I've lived a long time and had many experiences but this one is driving me crazy. In my younger days I've had bedded straight married men and didn't find it satisfying because I was in it for love and they were in it for sex. That was 25 years ago, now here I am 25 years older and wiser and find myself helplessly in love with my ex-boss who is 2 years younger than me. I've changed jobs but we still keep in touch by phone and we even went out to dinner once. I've written him this long letter telling him even though we no longer work together I still wanted to be his friend. He's not stupid and I am quite sure he read between the lines. He have to know I was practically telling him that I'm in love with him. What am I asking? No. 1, he's married and I've met his wife.
no. 2. I've met his mother
no. 3, he knows I'm gay
no. 4 we talk about everything under the sun except our relationship. I know he flirts with me .
Ie: I gave him a compliment and he responded with: Flattery will get you a big one. (?? )
Should I throw caution to the wind and just laid it on the line or just enjoy the flirts and be his friend? I can't shake this feeling. We've worked together for 5 years and been talking and seeing each for the past year since I've left our mutual job.

You need to stop contact with this man.. he is married and straight therefore he is off limits

You have no right to go in and screw up a marriage just because you have feelings for someone.. you need to be grown up about this and stop talking to him, because it seems to me that the more you see him the more you want him (how it is with everyone in love)

You will find the right person for you but this guy clearly isn't the one.. stay away

You need to stop contact with this man.. he is married and straight therefore he is off limits

You have no right to go in and screw up a marriage just because you have feelings for someone.. you need to be grown up about this and stop talking to him, becasue it seems to me that the more you see him the more you want him (how it is with everyone in love)

You will find the right person for you but this guy clearly isn't the one.. stay away

Easier said than done. What do I say when I just stop talking to him when he calls me and ask me out? He's going to want to know why? And what do I say, I love you and I need to stay away from you? Then it brings up risk taking for me. Do I be a man about it taking that risk and take the consequences that comes with it? Besides, it takes two to tangle, I have no power to screw up his marriage that is all up to him.

Easier said than done. What do I say when I just stop talking to him when he calls me and ask me out? He's going to want to know why? And what do I say, I love you and I need to stay away from you? Then it brings up risk taking for me. Do I be a man about it taking that risk and take the consequences that comes with it? Besides, it takes two to tangle, I have no power to screw up his marriage that is all up to him.

Does he know you like him? Even if you are a woman he is still an off limits, He's is married.

There are a lot of things that feels good as of the moment but we know that we're not doing ourselves (and other people) a favor in the end.

Just politely avoid his calls. If he calls don't answer it. He you bumped into each other by accident, make alibi. If he asks why, no need for an answer. You got no obligation to explain.

Does he know you like him? Even if you are a woman he is still an off limits, He's is married.

There are a lot of things that feels good as of the moment but we know that we're not doing ourselves (and other people) a favor in the end.

Just politely avoid his calls. If he calls don't answer it. He you bumped into each other by accident, make alibi. If he asks why, no need for an answer. You got no obligation to explain.

I'm in agreement with the respond I've gotten, I am a firm believer that if you mess with a married man and he leaves his wife for you then the same will happen to you, I've seen it happen too many times to my straight women friends who thought it was cool to fool around with a married man and grant I do have some feelings that the rules don't pertain to me because I am a man, however, I have to talk to this man because of proffessional reasons and can't just end the relationship or it'll be suicide for my job, I have no intendsions of taking it any further because I'm a romanticist and loving someone with bagage isn't fun... I just needed to think this out somewhere, I can't tell anyone at work because I think people who know both of us knows I like him because I'm always defending him when they bad-mouth him. I want to thank you both for your comments

I'm a formally married gay man (there are quite a few of us out there) and I have to wonder if this fellow you are so taken away by isn't possibly gay himself. Does he flirt with you? Any reason to think he's interested in more than just being friends? Even though he's married I'd still go for him myself if I felt they way you do. Maybe he needs someone to love before leaving his wife.

I say he's either gay or he's straight. If straight, you should move on and forget it. Find someone available (like me :-)); if he's gay he's in a bad relationship as it is being married to a woman.

He is off limits I'm sorry he is married

And that means something.

I wish you luck in finding another

MESS WITH A MARRIED MAN, AND YOU RISK BEING MESSED OVER.

What part of being his side distraction are you missing? Don't let love blind you to the simple fact that, he ain't leaving home, for what your offering.

I'm a formally married gay man (there are quite a few of us out there) and I have to wonder if this fellow you are so taken away by isn't possibly gay himself. Does he flirt with you? Any reason to think he's interested in more than just being friends? Even though he's married I'd still go for him myself if I felt they way you do. Maybe he needs someone to love before leaving his wife.

I say he's either gay or he's straight. If straight, you should move on and forget it. Find someone available (like me :-)); if he's gay he's in a bad relationship as it is being married to a woman.

It's funny you asked that question. When I first set eyes on him 8 years ago my first impression was "he's gay", then I found out that he was married and then I went to a retirement party knowing he will be there with his wife. Well, he came alone and I found out through the grapevine that he always alone without the wife when it came to office outings, also, rumor had it that he was having an affair with another woman employee. When I first set eyes on her my first impression was "Fag Hag". the two of them were always together in the office, the other women would talk about them saying "she should leave him alone, he's married", then he became my boss and this is where the flirting started. He would make innuendos about him not giving his wife the "big one" and I've never asked him what he met by that. He knew I was gay because I made two feature films with drag queens actors of which he showed to his wife. I got a gift from him every Christmas and on my birthday. These gifts were always clothes or DVDs with gay characters. One Valentine day he told me that he was sad because I didn't give him flowers and candy. So you tell me... is he gay or straight?

It's funny you asked that question. When I first set eyes on him 8 years ago my first impression was "he's gay", then I found out that he was married and then I went to a retirement party knowing he will be there with his wife. Well, he came alone and I found out through the grapevine that he always alone without the wife when it came to office outings, also, rumor had it that he was having an affair with another woman employee. When I first set eyes on her my first impression was "Fag Hag"., the two of them were always together in the office, the other women would talk about them saying "she should leave him alone, he's married", then he became my boss and this is where the flirting started. He would make innuendos about him not giving his wife the "big one" and I've never asked him what he met by that. He knew I was gay because I made two feature films with drag queens actors of which he showed to his wife. I got a gift from him every Christmas and on my birthday. These gifts were always clothes or DVDs with gay characters. One Valentine day he told me that he was sad because I didn't give him flowers and candy. So you tell me... is he gay or straight?

Well, he's definitely flirting with you if he's said those sorts of things. I don't know, but I really don't think a straight guy would say those things. And, the fact that he's married doesn't mean all that much as far as I'm concerned. A friend of mine told me that 25% of gay men were formally married (to women of course). I will say it means he may not be gay, but it is far from iron-clad proof he's straight. Gosh, look at me! I used to me married and I have kids and I'm as gay as gay can be.

I know everyone's going to be rolling their eyes when they read this, but I had a crush on my plastic surgeon recently (I went to him to have those dermal filler injections to soften the laugh lines in my face- that stuff works really well by the way- okay I'm a little vain) and I was surpised that this guy made such an impression on me since he's a year older than I am. I was definitely getting the gay vibe from him but I too was a little confused. He was married and divorced twice but had no kids (that made me presume he was't gay). He asked if I had ever been married and I told him once and divorced and then quickly changed the subject. I was dying for him to ask me out but then I ran out of reasons to keep going back to him! I didn't know what to do and I thought I let him get away... now I feel I missed an opportunity. Oh well.

If I were you I'd go for it. He's probably just a married gay guy. Come on a little stronger and see what happens.

Listen guys.. Honestly


You have to stop blinding yourselves..

You are letting your EMOTIONS and HOPES blind you.
You want him to be gay.

Its like when a guy likes a girl.. and they go.. Oh yeah she likes me for SURE because she is being nice to me..
When all the girl is doing.. is just being NICE simple as that. We all make up crap in our heads to fit our own reality

You are seeing things that are not there.

He is Married.. Don't Go for it.
Even if he is married for whatever reason

Gay or sick.. It is his reasons and they have nothing to do with you.

Respect that.

Don't be selfish

As for you cad. You mind not telling people to go and break up a marriage?
I mean.. who are you to even say something like that..

LIke I said before they are His reasons.. and no one has any right to get in the middle of that.. not even you
I'm sorry you let that person get away but shuch is life.
There are some things that just can't happen in this world no matter how much we want it

Well, he's definitely flirting with you if he's said those sorts of things. I don't know, but I really don't think a straight guy would say those things. And, the fact that he's married doesn't mean all that much as far as I'm concerned. A friend of mine told me that 25% of gay men were formally married (to women of course). I will say it means he may not be gay, but it is far from iron-clad proof he's straight. Gosh, look at me! I used to me married and I have kids and I'm as gay as gay can be.

I know everyone's going to be rolling their eyes when they read this, but I had a crush on my plastic surgeon recently (I went to him to have those dermal filler injections to soften the laugh lines in my face- that stuff works really well by the way- okay I'm a little vain) and I was surpised that this guy made such an impression on me since he's a year older than I am. I was definitely getting the gay vibe from him but I too was a little confused. He was married and divorced twice but had no kids (that made me presume he was't gay). He asked if I had ever been married and I told him once and divorced and then quickly changed the subject. I was dying for him to ask me out but then I ran out of reasons to keep going back to him! I didn't know what to do and I thought I let him get away...now I feel I missed an opportunity. Oh well.

If I were you I'd go for it. He's probably just a married gay guy. Come on a little stronger and see what happens.

Well, I had to asked him a professional question today and he helped me out tremulously I don't know what I'll do with out his professional advice, (I now manage the depart on my new job that he manages now on my old job so professionally we help each other out). I took a chance and told him that I owe him a lunch and his reply was that we should get together for the holidays. To be Honest, my dilemma is that I like him a lot as a person and I don't want to lose his friendship, I think I rather have the friendship than the sex.. friends last forever, lovers come and go... and I've already decided to let him make that move. I live alone and he can always invite himself up which is interesting by the way. I just moved recently 10 miles from his house. I used to live 75 miles away and when I lived 75 miles away he would always joke about coming up to my place with his wife for dinner... all the things to make you go "Hmmmmmmm"

Listen guys.. Honestly


You have to stop blinding your selfs..

you are letting your EMOTIONS and HOPES blind you.
You want him to be gay.

Its like when a guy likes a girl.. and they go.. Oh yeah she likes me for SURE because she is being nice to me..
when all the girl is doing.. is just being NICE simple as that. we all make up crap in our heads to fit our own reality

you are seeing things that are not there.

He is Married.. Dont Go for it.
even if he is married for whatever reason

gay or sick.. It is his reasons and they have nothing to do with you.

Respect that.

Dont be selfish

as for you cad. you mind not telling people to go and break up a marriage?
i mean.. who are you to even say something like that..

LIke i said before they are His reasons.. and no one has any right to get in the middle of that.. not even you
im sorry you let that person get away but shuch is life.
there are some things that just can't happen in this world no matter how much we want it

I'm not trying to break up a marriage. If the guy is gay, there's only the semblance of a marriage anyway and it will never last. Gay men can never truly love straight women, not in the way a woman wants to be and should be loved, and those sorts of marriages are doomed to fail from the start. It's just a matter of time. Been there, done it. If the guy is straight, then there is no way a gay man will ever be a threat to the marriage anyway. Straight men simply do not fall in love with gay men and they are unlikely to try a little sex with another guy just to see what it's like. So you see, the situation is really quite different from than typical one where a straight husband is fooling around with a girl on the side or some girl is trying to seduce the straight husband. That's why I say the OP should give it a try. If the object of his attention is gay, then the gay guy's marriage is not a real marriage anyway and is doomed as it is. If the guy is straight, it's harmless attraction and nothing will ever come of it. Not trying to stereotype, but gay men really are very different than straight men.

As for me, well, I may go back to my plastic surgeon friend and ask about botox or something (he told me I didn't need it) just to see what happens. I always get him laughing about something (I think he thinks I'm very gay the way I act). I'm not giving up:)

Well, I had to asked him a professional question today and he helped me out tremulously I don't know what I'll do with out his professional advice, (I now manage the depart on my new job that he manages now on my old job so professionally we help each other out). I took a chance and told him that I owe him a lunch and his reply was that we should get together for the holidays. To be Honest, my dilemma is that I like him a lot as a person and I don't want to lose his friendship, I think I rather have the friendship than the sex.. friends last forever, lovers come and go...and I've already decided to let him make that move. I live alone and he can always invite himself up which is interesting by the way. I just moved recently 10 miles from his house. I used to live 75 miles away and when I lived 75 miles away he would always joke about coming up to my place with his wife for dinner....all the things to make you go "Hmmmmmmm"

I think I'd make a lunch date with him and see how it goes. At the very least you can be friends. Plan on asking specific questions that might indicate he's gay or had same-sex relationships in the past. Ask about how things are going in his marriage, with his kids. You are only ten miles away, which is nothing. Give it a go.

I think I'd make a lunch date with him and see how it goes. At the very least you can be friends. Plan on asking specific questions that might indicate he's gay or had same-sex relationships in the past. Ask about how things are going in his marriage, with his kids. You are only ten miles away, which is nothing. Give it a go.

I'm a punk when it comes to things like this. I heard through the grapevine that him and his wife were trying for years to have kids and finally gave up on it. (which I found very interesting, one can always adopt if they want kids that bad). Anyhow, I'm not stupid and he's not stupid so I know something is going on. We will see... :)

Listen guys.. Honestly


You have to stop blinding your selfs..

you are letting your EMOTIONS and HOPES blind you.
You want him to be gay.

Its like when a guy likes a girl.. and they go.. Oh yeah she likes me for SURE because she is being nice to me..
when all the girl is doing.. is just being NICE simple as that. we all make up crap in our heads to fit our own reality

you are seeing things that are not there.

He is Married.. Dont Go for it.
even if he is married for whatever reason

gay or sick.. It is his reasons and they have nothing to do with you.

Respect that.

Dont be selfish

as for you cad. you mind not telling people to go and break up a marriage?
i mean.. who are you to even say something like that..

LIke i said before they are His reasons.. and no one has any right to get in the middle of that.. not even you
im sorry you let that person get away but shuch is life.
there are some things that just can't happen in this world no matter how much we want it

You know, I've had the experience with a married man who said that he liked me so much that he would go to bed with me. I asked him what would his wife say? He replied that she would just think he's crazy because she knows that he loves her and he's not gay. Go Figure?? But I would like to clear up one thingt. No outside person can break up anyone's marriage. It's the marriage with the two people that has that power. Remember, it takes two to tangle and I'm not holding a gun to his head if he wants to fool around with me.

Its amazing how we can justify our actions by our feelings, instead of dealing with the feelings, and the facts.

In the first place you overlook the obvious, and that is he that may be gay, or bi, but if you've had sex with this married man, he is a cheater, and like most who deal with married people, you assume his marriage is going to end, and worse, he will be YOURS. Seldom that happens. Another thing that disturbing is, after everyone of reasonable common sense has said don't do it all, you hear and react to is some idiot who says to go for it any way. Simply amazing.

Whether you are gay, straight, bi, or tri, my advise is the same. Forget the long shots, and deal with your feelings in a positive way, and don't be second because your so called love is leading you down a dead end alley, simply put, a side show for a married guy, a booty call, when he feels like it.

Get someone who at least can work with you in a healthy, happy, relationship, and don't listen to someone who doesn't have that.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search.php?searchid=3384773

You stated that you bedded straight married men 25 years ago and while you was in it for love they were in it for sex. Since then you grew wiser. So why repeat history?

You love this guy and what happens if he don't feel the same and if anything all you get is sex and nothing more.

It is obivous that you want want more than just sex but this guy is married and if anything you should just back off. You already should know this from the things you done in your younger years. What exactly did you learn?

You can't control who you like or even who you love but you do have something call self-control so you can control your actions.

You stated that you bedded straight married men 25 years ago and while you was in it for love they was in it for sex. Since then you grew wiser. So why repeat history?

You love this guy and what happens if he don't feel the same and if anything all you get is sex and nothing more.

It is obivous that you want want more than just sex but this guy is married and if anything you should just back off. You already should know this from the things you done in your younger years. What exactly did you learn?

You can't control who you like or even who you love but you do have something call self-control so you can control your actions.

I resolved to be his friend which I cherish more than the sex, since lovers come and go and friendship last forever, thanks

I'm a punk when it comes to things like this. I heard through the grapevine that him and his wife were trying for years to have kids and finally gave up on it. (which I found very interesting, one can always adopt if they want kids that bad). Anyhow, I'm not stupid and he's not stupid so I know something is going on. We will see...:)

Well, I still think there's nothing wrong with testing the waters. You mentioned some things that were interesting, like him asking you for a Valentine's Day card or something. That's doesn't sound like a straight guy talking.

Yeah, if it becomes sexual you have to face the fact that he probably won't leave his wife. You're the only one who stands to lose if that happens. If he's really straight nothing is probably going to happen anyway. I will be honest, even with some of my critics here, that you'd probably be better off looking for a nice available gay guy who's out of the closet and well-adjusted. That's the ideal. Or at least an unmarried guy you might be curious about (like my plastic surgeon, who I'm crazy about:)... I wish someone would give me an idea of how to ask him out or make some approach... he can't be straight, it will break my heart if he is).

Even with some of my critics here,

Don't feel special, my advice is the same whether I love you, or hate you.

Same here.. You are not special just because of your likes or dislikes.

The fact of the matter is..

HE is married leave him alone.. Unless he leaves the girl and comes to you.

If you want to test the waters.. there's nothing I can do to stop you..

All I am saying is just have some respect for other peoples lifes
And stop thinking about ifs and buts.. and maybes.

Well, I still think there's nothing wrong with testing the waters. You mentioned some things that were interesting, like him asking you for a Valentine's Day card or something. That's doesn't sound like a straight guy talking.

Yeah, if it becomes sexual you have to face the fact that he probably won't leave his wife. You're the only one who stands to lose if that happens. If he's really straight nothing is probably going to happen anyway. I will be honest, even with some of my critics here, that you'd probably be better off looking for a nice available gay guy who's out of the closet and well-adjusted. That's the ideal. Or at least an unmarried guy you might be curious about (like my plastic surgeon, who I'm crazy about:)...I wish someone would give me an idea of how to ask him out or make some approach...he can't be straight, it will break my heart if he is).

Thanks for your advice, like I said, I'll just be his friend and lay back and see what happens, if he's really interested, he'll make the move, he knows I live alone so he can invite himself up anytime... and then who knows, maybe we both may wander into an unmarried straight man who realized that he loves men more.. LOL

Thanks for your advice, like I said, I'll just be his friend and lay back and see what happens, if he's really interested, he'll make the move, he knows I live alone so he can invite himself up anytime...and then who knows, maybe we both may wander into an unmarried straight man who realized that he loves men more..LOL

I think there are plenty of gay men who are married to women but can't seem to get out of the relationship and come out of the closet. That's been going on since the beginning of time. And you can often never really know who they are because they all have learned to act so straight. I used to "get the butch on" myself so people would think I was straight but it was all a façade. I've always been gay I just never wanted to admit it. Now that I'm okay with it I'm free to act naturally and be who I really am.

Yeah, it's pretty disheartening to find out that the guy you are crazy about is straight (it's like, "hopes dashed again!"). It's sort of like what a straight woman feels like when she finds out the guy she likes is gay. If I find out my plastic surgeon has a girlfriend I am going to be sooo mad and disappointed! But, then only for a moment and then I'll move on. When you think about all of the millions of people out there, our odds of finding the right guy are pretty good, even if gay people are only 5-10% of the population. I mean we have to work harder because we are outnumbered but there's still a pretty good number of gay people out there (thank God you're not living in the middle of say Kansas in 1905!--that would be almost a hopeless situation).

Good luck with your friend.

I just ended a two-year... "thing" with a married guy. Actually, in the beginning it was his GF. During the period I saw him for. She moved in with him, got married and had a kid!
He pursued me. He made a lot of effort to win me over. More than he should have. I was always honest and upfront. He was not so much.
I basically, never really knew where his head was. A year into things, he started to get irritated at times, mood swings. It could be a little uncomfortable at times.
There was definitely one set of rules for him and another for me.
He is a Scorpio as well. Normally I don't put a whole lot of weight into birth sign thing but he was textbook! Now, you throw in the guilt and the shame. The denial combined with leading a double life. Very quickly the simple becomes anything but! The mutual turns to feeling used. Understanding and open turns to manipulate and mistreated.
When it's gone, it's gone! It's like being on top of the world one minute and hurled into a bed of rock the next.
I did not have a problem if he left, I even told him how to do it. I said as long as it was about him and not me. It won't cause a problem. Of course, it was always about me... everything. The blame was constantly shifted to me. This happened slowly. My boundaries were constantly crossed. I always told him. He always had his reason. I usually gave up, trying to make him understand my point. As it was clear, he would never give me that consideration. Of course, more treats, sweets, etc followed. An extra effort was made... to. Yes, probably appease me! It took a while to see how everything always worked in his favour. I could go on and on!
My suggestion, don't pursue it. If you do stand your ground, realize that this is not a trade, its not about fair, or about you! Realize you will probably never know what it is about. Living a double life will most likely over time have a negative effect on almost anyone. Who does not have a PD or a syndrome or a serial killer!

Chances are being the dirty little secret. You will be the one feeling the wrath of repercussions. The straight guy is only there to get what he needs. He cannot even acknowledge he has these feeling to himself. So forget any hope of understanding, or knowing what the real "deal" is. Chances are the impression your under is not the same he as his.
You will never really be able to comprehend what is going on is his head.
He will not take responsibility, as it requires him to look at the situation in away, he is not going to.
Moral resp- He would not be there if he had or did.
Personal resp - this is not who he is, it's an alter ego. A dark side of himself. Taking personal accountability means he needs to accept this as part of himself, before he can process that!
It's impossible for straight guy full of guilt and shame to be synonymous with or integrity, accountability, tolerance, forthright or equitable.
These characteristics and traits require someone. First to be present, open and able to accept how they play a part in the situation at hand. Until they do, what they seem to be giving. Will remain conditional.

As long as the fantasy fulfils the egocentric need of the "id" the ego will continue to thrive and seem content. However, this is only marginal, temporary and very conditional at that.
There has to be a balance. The moral, socialized norm and expectations of straight mentality. Can quickly create internal conflicts engaging the ego defence mechanism. Resulting in good turning bad, with no conceivable, rational explanation or reason.

So having said that. If catering to a conditional, borderline persona that is in denial, unaware, self serving and unaccountable. Except of course when it comes to getting there needs met. On their terms. If it still seems appealing and your OK with... Working to meet undetermined standards, no communication, willing to give up control, accept responsibility and no equality. Are not important to you. Keeping in mind. In the end, you will have nothing but a lot of confusion, unanswered questions, no appreciation and it will be your entire fault. Then by all means, jump in!

Remember, your at a disadvantage from the get go. Your emotionally available and comfortable with yourself. Yes, in this situation being open is not a good thing!

This is my experience. Every experience is unique and different. However,
There mentality and reality are two of the most important things. When entering into a arrangement or relationship.
If you still feel you don't deserve more! Go in eyes open wide! Feet planted firm. Stick to your guns, accept nothing but respect. Draw the line and stand your ground. Get out, before it gets you! If you can safely do this with no exceptions, no expectations, no emotions or attachment.
You just may be al rite. Good Luck!

If you have bedded married streight men means that they are not streight, oviously they were gay because they slept with a man not another woman
And about this guy if he flirts with you then he isn't streight

Think about this rationally too
If he is happily married then don't get to involved in it
Don't do anything with this man
Like you said they are usually in it for sex and you for love then don't get in to it period unless

if u have bedded married streight men means that they are not streight, oviously they were gay because they slept with a man not another woman
and about this guy if he flirts with u then he isnt streight

think about this rationally too
if he is happily married then dont get to involved in it
dont do anything with this man
like u said they are usually in it for sex and u for love then dont get in to it period unless

Off topic... perhaps!
That would be fine, were the world and all the creatures living in it black and white.
Its simply not the case. I think comes down to; if no one ever told you it was wrong.
History, the animal kingdom and isolated tribes have a supported this theory.


I believe the that 90% of the world is bisexual. Society, due to fear and need for order would have us think other wise. However, elements and events out societies control say other wise. History and animals.

Look children, explore freely. Before they are told its wrong. Now if no one ever told them "it was wrong" what would happen. NOTHING! Take another need for example. Primary meat eaters (red and white) or vegetarian, maybe vegan or all of them. Strict or intermittently over the course of a life.

The question is, is really that bad, not everyone wants to procreate? It actually seems unnatural if it really were the case. Look at countries with arranged marriages. No more room! So next time, you see a gay person. Say thank you, for the extra space!

Search: key words > Papa New Guinea Ritual Homosexuality. One of the few unbiased, free from external influence, documented reports of before/ after western influence's.

I don't think anyone can actually make a statement, "if he is happily married then..."
This is not about happiness nor the woman. We are speaking of human being. Humans have a highly developed brain, capable of abstract reasoning, language, introspection, problem solving and emotion.
Different levels of consciousness, unique characteristic. Some preconditioned, some learned, some forced. Except for nature. Religion, society, peers and family. Are just some of the external influences that can determine. How an individual will see himself, threw the eyes of others.

Some straight men, only identified with straight, until a certain point. Had you asked them prior. They would have honestly answered, yes when questioned if straight.

Since the ego develops at different times and to degrees. Who is qualified to determine this. Men in prison will engage in M2M situations. Once they are release, they may never act or even entertain the idea of M2M.

In Middle Eastern countries, men are segregated from women. Its not uncommon for men to find themselves in the same situation. This may last until the man is married or continue. Each case is unique... I could go on.

However, this is way off topic. I just wish people would evolve past this point. Be gay, be straight, be a turnip... just be respectful of others worry about yourself and you will be fine...

I just ended a two-year..."thing" with a married guy. Actually, in the beginning it was his GF. During the period I saw him for. She moved in with him, got married and had a kid!
He pursued me. He made a lot of effort to win me over. More than he should have. I was always honest and upfront. He was not so much.
I basically, never really knew where his head was. A year into things, he started to get irritated at times, mood swings. It could be a little uncomfortable at times.
There was definitely one set of rules for him and another for me.
He is a Scorpio as well. Normally I don't put a whole lot of weight into birth sign thing but he was textbook! Now, you throw in the guilt and the shame. The denial combined with leading a double life. Very quickly the simple becomes anything but! The mutual turns to feeling used. Understanding and open turns to manipulate and mistreated.
When it’s gone, it’s gone! It’s like being on top of the world one minute and hurled into a bed of rock the next.
I did not have a problem if he left, I even told him how to do it. I said as long as it was about him and not me. It won’t cause a problem. Of course, it was always about me...everything. The blame was constantly shifted to me. This happened slowly. My boundaries were constantly crossed. I always told him. He always had his reason. I usually gave up, trying to make him understand my point. As it was clear, he would never give me that consideration. Of course, more treats, sweets, etc followed. An extra effort was made...to. Yes, probably appease me! It took a while to see how everything always worked in his favour. I could go on and on!
My suggestion, don't pursue it. If you do stand your ground, realize that this is not a trade, its not about fair, or about you! Realize you will probably never know what it is about. Living a double life will most likely over time have a negative effect on almost anyone. Who does not have a PD or a syndrome or a serial killer!

Chances are being the dirty little secret. You will be the one feeling the wrath of repercussions. The straight guy is only there to get what he needs. He cannot even acknowledge he has these feeling to him self. So forget any hope of understanding, or knowing what the real "deal" is. Chances are the impression your under is not the same he as his.
You will never really be able to comprehend what is going on is his head.
He will not take responsibility, as it requires him to look at the situation in away, he is not going to.
Moral resp- He would not be there if he had or did.
Personal resp - this is not who he is, it’s an alter ego. A dark side of himself. Taking personal accountability means he needs to accept this as part of him self, before he can process that!
It’s impossible for straight guy full of guilt and shame to be synonymous with or integrity, accountability, tolerance, forthright or equitable.
These characteristics and traits require someone. First to be present, open and able to accept how they play a part in the situation at hand. Until they do, what they seem to be giving. Will remain conditional.

As long as the fantasy fulfils the egocentric need of the "id" the ego will continue to thrive and seem content. However, this is only marginal, temporary and very conditional at that.
There has to be a balance. The moral, socialized norm and expectations of straight mentality. Can quickly create internal conflicts engaging the ego defence mechanism. Resulting in good turning bad, with no conceivable, rational explanation or reason.

So having said that. If catering to a conditional, borderline persona that is in denial, unaware, self serving and unaccountable. Except of course when it comes to getting there needs met. On their terms. If it still seems appealing and your OK with... Working to meet undetermined standards, no communication, willing to give up control, accept responsibility and no equality. Are not important to you. Keeping in mind. In the end, you will have nothing but a lot of confusion, unanswered questions, no appreciation and it will be your entire fault. Then by all means, jump in!

Remember, your at a disadvantage from the get go. Your emotionally available and comfortable with your self. Yes, in this situation being open is not a good thing!

This is my experience. Every experience is unique and different. However,
there mentality and reality are two of the most important things. When entering into a arrangement or relationship.
If you still feel you don't deserve more! Go in eyes open wide! Feet planted firm. Stick to your guns, accept nothing but respect. Draw the line and stand your ground. Get out, before it gets you! If you can safely do this with no exceptions, no expectations, no emotions or attachment.
You just may be al rite. Good Luck!

Thank you very much, I agree with every thing you wrote about and even had the same experience when I was in my twenties, however, I have no plans on doing anything but be his friend, if he pursue me then it will be a sexual relationship, providing that I feel comfortable with it at the time... I just don't have the strength at my age to deal with these so-called "straight" men who are religious and filled with shame and guilt.

Womaningril; if a married straight man beds another man he might not be purly gay, but sipmply bi sexual.

Bigguy: seems like a good idea to just be friends, if he is gay or bi and his marrige is just a way to hide his real sexual preferences then you might gain something by it, who knows

But if you push and he is not bi or gay, then you lose a friend: as you yourself statuated above.

So go and enjoy the friendship... but the whole crush thing in the back of your mind. Be happy with the fact that you have a good friends and a neat professional contact. It really is worth its weight in gold. :) so good luck!

womaningril; if a married straight man beds another man he might not be purly gay, but sipmply bi sexual.

bigguy: seems like a good idea to just be friends, if he is gay or bi and his marrige is just a way to hide his real sexual preferences then you might gain something by it, who knows

but if you push and he is not bi or gay, then you lose a friend: as you yourself statuated above.

So go and enjoy the friendship.... but the whole crush thing in the back of your mind. Be happy with the fact that you have a good friends and a neat professional contact. It really is worth its weight in gold. :) so good luck!

Thanks

Well, I still think there's nothing wrong with testing the waters. You mentioned some things that were interesting, like him asking you for a Valentine's Day card or something. That's doesn't sound like a straight guy talking.

Yeah, if it becomes sexual you have to face the fact that he probably won't leave his wife. You're the only one who stands to lose if that happens. If he's really straight nothing is probably going to happen anyway. I will be honest, even with some of my critics here, that you'd probably be better off looking for a nice available gay guy who's out of the closet and well-adjusted. That's the ideal. Or at least an unmarried guy you might be curious about (l like my plastic surgeon, who I'm crazy about:)...I wish someone would give me an idea of how to ask him out or make some approach... he can't be straight, it will break my heart if he is).

ADVICE: Regrading your plastic surgeon... If you are to engage in any relationship with him, remember that you should end the physician-patient relationship first. In essence, don't date this guy if you remain his patient. First, it is unethical, mostly for him and he could lose his ability to practice medicine. Some would say that it is his problem. But I always say, be the better person if in doubt!:)