My fiancé is not that open about sex. Don't get me wrong our sex life is great. I just am missing some things that we won't do or even talk about. I guess in a way he is a little bit of a prude when it comes to sex. He refuses to talk to me about oral sex and why he doesn't want to do it. Its just I don't like it and he won't explain his reasons. But one day after taking a shower together, I wanted to go down on him, and he stopped me. I looked at him and asked him why he was so against it, and he tells me that if I keep trying to get him to do it, he might back let me one day. So where my confusion is, is, does he want it or not? And if so, why won't he communicate that with me? Need serious advice, I won't make him do anything he's not comfortable with, I was just wondering, why he is like that. Sorry for the lengthy post.:)

Never knew a guy to say no, but then he may have grown up in a sexualy oppressed familly.

But actually I am not as concerned over the lack of oral sex as the lack of talking about sex. You each should be telling the other what feels good, where and how and why and when.

Trying various positions and more.

If you can not talk about this now, it will only grow into more serious porlbems latter.

...and he tells me that if i keep trying to get him to do it, he might back let me one day...

Hi there, missB! I'm sorry, but I didn't understand this part of your post...

Hey sorry about my typos. Lol. What I meant to say was, One time when we were in the shower and he didn't let me go down. His words to me were... "if you keep trying, I will let you do it one day." So my question was, does he want it or not, and why he can't communicate that with me. Sorry for the confusion.

Haha that makes me think he might want it!

Wait until he falls asleep handcuff him to the bed and then he won't have any choice!

Not really lol. But if you can't get him to talk about it nothing will ever figure itself out in your favor. Tell him it's bugging you that you guys can't talk openly maybe?

Maybe he could have had a bad experience before and is too embarrassed to talk about it.
Try to get him to open up more about it and dig deep.
Or maybe he does want it but feels pressured that if you do it for him then you would want something in return.


Just talk it out... and if he doesn't care to talk it out make him because if he cares about you then it shouldn't be a problem for him to open up to you.

I think he definitely wants it!. I had an ex boyfriend that wasn't so into oral sex, he had had a bad experience earlier on in life and had pretty much stayed away from it since then.. but also, and maybe because of that experience, he had never followed through because of oral sex so didn't put too much emphasis on it.

After some experimentation AND DIALOGUE.. he quite enjoyed himself :D

I knew a guy who absolutely loved women and loved sex... and somehow with him it wasn't "oh look another horny guy"... he had a real, genuine passion for the company of women and loved sex. But he never let a woman do oral. He didn't like the idea of it, period. So, while I think most men wouldn't think once about stopping you, it can happen...

The only thing I don't get is why he won't even talk to you about it. Perhaps he's embarrassed, perhaps there's some reason he doesn't want to talk about, but the more you openly talk about your likes and dislikes, the better. He is either too shy to talk about sex or there's some other issue that he just doesn't want to address.

Maybe he associates it with prostitution and doesn't want to think of you that way? But doesn't want to say that in case you do eventually end up doing it. He wouldn't want that in your head.

Also, maybe he's worried if he lets you do it to him, you'll ask him to do it back and he's still squeamish.

I agree about talking to him about being able to talk about sex. Patience also. How long have you been together?

I think it is possible that you are too aggressive sexually for him at this time... he may like to have the gentle seduction still in your relationship instead of going right for the genitals. He may actually love you, girl, and not want to think of you as a CSer.

I think Choux makes an excellent point, especially if you have not been together long.

Hey, Asking, I think that is what it is. He tells me that only porn stars or prostitutes do that. And I was asking him why he thought that. But here the kicker, he watches porn that involves a lot of oral sex. When I saw him watching that, I asked him if there was anything that he is missing, or that he wants to try. He just blew it off and said no. But my concern is that, if he wants it and I'm not giving it to him, will he try to get it elsewhere. He is trying to make me a "good girl" as he says. I really am confused about it, because I want him to fulfill his fantisies with me, not some other woman. I'm afraid to do anything like when he's sleep as someone earlier suggested, in fear that he would probably loose respect for me. Should I have hope or should I just forget the matter?

THe guy has real issues. Assuming the OP isn't from a really backward nation which I don't think is the case.

He's likely the single most sexually repressed male I have ever heard about.

Oh and another thing. We been together for a year, we are distance at the moment. We see each other maybe once or twice every other month or as much as we can with work and school. I am 21 and he is 19. I have never been with a guy younger than me before, but we really love one another. I have only dated guys older than me so, I never really had to "teach" them things.

Just out of curiousity, and to help us understand possible cultural issues, what country are you both from?

Smoothy, what do you mean?

That was to your last post not this one. I am American, and he is African, could that be also cultural?

OK... I'm beginning to understand a little. I think it might be his upbringing. Black Americans aren't very adverse to this at all, at least not the friends I have and have had nor the couple balack women I dated years ago, but more than the average white american however, and black men more than black women for some reason. Now an African Immigrant that's a different thing entirely. That very well might be a cultural thing with him.

What I meant was its hard to know what country a poster might be from... and some people outside of english speaking nations sometimes write better english than people that speak no other language. And some cultures do have their own taboos.

All right, thanks Smoothy for your insite. I am starting to think it might be cultural. Or his upbringing. Maybe he wants to do it, but maybe be wondering if he really should let loose. Interesting, thank you Smoothy.

Miss BWleh,
I would recommend a very serious discussion with him at some point about what he means by a "good girl." I'm worried that he may have expectations of you that you will not be comfortable with in the long run, and I'm not just talking about sex. Draw him out and get him to talk about what good girls do and do not do. Don't indicate any disapproval or he will clam up or just tell you what he thinks you want to hear. You need to know more about his cultural expectations.

I don't mean to sound dumb but how do I go about that? He is not the most open person in the world when it comes to sex. But he will be coming to see me sometime in December, I guess that is better than having that kind of conversation over the phone.

Yes, I agree. It would be better to talk about it in person.

I'm not sure how, but here's a thought. You might get him to talk about someone else he knows whom he considers a proper wife. Ask what attributes make her seem like a good wife. (He may not even know that she is the way he imagines. What you want to know is what he is imagining a good girl is.) Be curious and just listen without judging. Like I said, I don't mean sex specifically, but more general expectations. I really think this would give you a better sense of why he is the way he is and whether you two are a good match in the long run. Just gather some information.

As for his not wanting to try oral sex with you, it's good to respect people's boundaries. If he's not comfortable with it, it can wait. But I agree with others here who say that being able to talk about sex in a relationship is important. Not being able to is a red flag.

Thanks for that I will talk to him when he gets here. I don't know, he seems so shy about talking about it. When I first met him, he was telling me that he did try it before, and then later on he tells me he never tried it. Some things about his sex life never really added up. And I seemed to be the one "teaching" him. Which makes me wonder if A. He had no sexual partners in the past. Or B. He had a bad experience. Now he told me I am the second woman he has been with, so maybe its B. But that confused me from the onset. Outside that, we have a wonderful relationship, he really does love and care for me. And I wouldn't trade him for the world. I guess oral would just be something in my past?

Something I enjoyed but my partner brushed off would bother me. I've had women that brushed off oral before... and short term it was easy to ignore but long term it would bother me greatly.

Hard to give any pointers on how to talk with him because that's something you do really have to tailor to the person. Someone with those inhibitions needs approached in a way that's not going to put them on the defensive. And that won't be the same person to person.

I'd say likely he has this "I'm the man" attitude and is afraid to comment he really doesn't know much about it as you say you have noticed.

Just keep your eyes open and look for any signs of controlling behaviour that is common in some cultures. He might well just be a naïve nice guy.

Thanks so much Smoothy, you're awesome. I learned so much from your posts. Any more suggestions from you all will be great.