First off you guys helped me prepare for the inevitable and I thank you. My girlfriend of 3 years, and a woman I deeply love has left me. She did give me the whole "I don't want you out of my life, this isnt the end" and she did hint that there was a chance that we could get together then she said "i want to be friends".
So my question is, if I can get her back, do I stand a better chance using the NC rule, or going out and trying the whole friend thing (which would suck!).
And one more thing, what will she think when I take all her pictures down and pack them away for her? Will she feel that I have forgotten her?

If she broke up it was for a reason don't put a hold on your life just because it "might " happen, if your grieving the no contact will help you more. If you really want to be friends tell her to give you some time.

Hi Cowboy! As hard as it is, NC is your best way to go. If you stay friends, she still has you in her life, and it doesn't give her a chance to miss you. NC just may have her wondering what you are doing, and give her some time to really think.

I would just tell her this is her decision, and you are going to need to accept it, and move on. Tell her that you will miss her, but being just friends after such a long relationship, serves no purpose, and will only cause you further hurt.

This will probably confuse her, and throw her for a loop if you are gracious about it. She might just sit down and think about the relationship she is throwing away.

As for the pictures, you can tell her that although you'll never forget the time you spent together, or the memories that you will always have, you can't have reminders hanging around on a daily basis. It causes more hurt, and also stops you from getting on with life. She may just rethink her decision. If not, I'm afraid you have your answer.

Should I tell I would like No Contact but, if she feels we can start to talk to even see each other again I'm only a phonecall away or something like that. Or should I just tell her that if she wants me to be her friend, that she is going to have to wait until I contact her. And when should I initiate this contact if she doesn't.
This is driving me insane. She put a little hope into my head that things COULD work out, now I can't stop thinking about how I can win her back.

They do that so they don't feel guilty for hurting you. Hope is the devil in this type of situation. My advice, just tell her you can't be friends right now and leave it at that. Don't call her, and don't answer her calls. You have to really believe this is over, otherwise, before you know it, a year of your life passes you buy and you are still stuck on hope...

She ended it, not you. If she wants you back, she will figure out how to go about that. You shouldn't be thinking of reasons on how to get her back, that is her job, as she initiated this. If it's meant to be, she will find a way. In the meantime, listen to what kc had to say, and don't hold onto hope. That will just kill you!

Ok thank you, as usual you put things in perspective for me. It is over, and I have to move on, I might be floating back here for the next couple weeks. Again thanks for the support

No problem. Come back as often as you need to! There are so many people here that are in the same boat as you! I went through it too. The circumstances were different, but in the end, it's the same. ;) There is a lot of support here.

NC is the ONLY way to go, not to get her back but to regain your heart back to the stability in which you need it to be to go through your day to day agenda without breaking down because she isn't by your side.

NC won't get her back, but it will save your dignity, and self respect, a lot of misery and pain, and keep you from acting like a love sick idiot who hangs around waiting for crumbs because, she fill your head with FALSE HOPE of getting her back as a g/f.

Ok, next question (sorry).
After enough time of NC, after I'm healed and can handle being "just friends" am I able to break it to reach out for the friendship that I was offered? And on the same note is there a minimum time as well, like if I think I can handle talking to her in a month or two, can I give it a shot, or should I wait longer, even after I think that I've healed

You don't need to be friends with her, period. She is an ex, not a friend. It is extremely hard to be friends with someone you have had a relationship with. When you do get over it and are 'healed' you most likely won't really even be thinking of her. Just think, a few months down the road, you think you are healed, you two have a nice friendly lunch, then bam! You go home feeling like maybe there was something there, and you are back on here asking what happened restarting your healing all over again. No good. You owe her nothing, including a friendship.

So in the same sense, should I not care how quick it takes me to move on, and not care if she notices? I don't want to put jealousy in her right away, but what happens if in the near future I meat someone, or hook up, should I hide it, to protect my ex?

You don't need to worry about protecting her. What you do is YOUR business, and not hers. If you are in another relationship and still worry about your ex's feelings then guess what, you still are not over it. Don't worry about anything but you. And also don't worry about how much time it takes. Everyone is different... all that matters is that you heal.

So in the same sense, should I not care how quick it takes me to move on, and not care if she notices? I don't want to put jealousy in her right away, but what happens if in the near future I meat someone, or hook up, should I hide it, to protect my ex?

As said above. There is no need to protect her. I'm a little worried that you said you don't want to put jealousy in her "right away". Don't do it at all if that is your intention bud. It's game playing, and it won't work... not in the long run anyway. Also, when you do start dating again, keep the new girl separate from these things. You don't want to hurt someone else like you've been hurt. Make sure your intentions are honourable and trustworthy. You don't need rebound girl.

No I didn't mean that at all, and I completely agree, playing games are pointless and will just hinder my healing process. This has been one helluva emotional roller coaster...
I'm heading out tonight with the mates, leaving the phone at home :) Hopefully take my mind off her. Thanks again for everything, I'm sure more of my questions will make their way here eventually.

No I didn't mean that at all, and I completely agree, playing games are pointless and will just hinder my healing process. This has been one helluva emotional roller coaster...
I'm heading out tonight with the mates, leaving the phone at home :) Hopefully take my mind off her. Thanks again for everything, I'm sure more of my questions will make their way here eventually.

I know it's a rollercoaster! Get out and try and have yourself a great time! Good luck to you! :D

Ok, just got weird.
So I was out last night with the mates (having a great time thanks haha), and my ex of maybe 12 hours, starts texting my buddy asking what I'm doing, am I with anyone, that sort of thing. So now after all this, convincing myself that its OVER, she asking about me! Is this just another trickle of false hope, or could it be a good sign?

On a side note, I told her about me wanting no contact for a while, and that I needed time and she looked really hurt, almost angry. Even more so when I gave her all our pictures. I know she broke my heart but was it wrong to hurt her like that?

I think what happened, was that she was maybe expecting you to come crawling on your hands and knees begging for her to come back. When she saw that you actually listened to what she said, about needing time and just wanting to be friends, she started to get nervous, because your reaction was just to do exactly what she asked, with the exeption of being just friends. Things didn't go as she planned, and now she is panicking.

This doesn't necessarily mean that this is a good sign, because when you told her that you needed time, and no contact, she seemed hurt and almost angry. It seems to me that she wanted to have that control, and now you've taken that away from her. She's wanting to know who you are with, and what you are doing. This doesn't sound like someone who wants to remain friends, possibly with benefits, it sounds like a foiled plan, and she may now be regretting her decision.

The best thing to do right now is to keep up the NC, don't get any hopes up, and do what you're doing. You have been broken up for a VERY short period, so it's only natural for both of you to be feeling the way you are, and wondering what the other is doing. That doesn't mean she has changed her mind, only that you didn't react the way she might have thought you would. Give it time, and see what happens, but don't get your hopes up.

She seems annoyed now... her Facebook status was listed as "A Little bit annoyed with life", What's going on here? It's like she's angry I'm trying to move on right away. It's like she hasn't come to terms with her own decision when I already have, that ITS OVER. It doesn't make any sense!
Should I take my time in moving on, I don't want to make her feel like I've forgotten about her already. I care for her, I always will. And her mother called me yesterday to say that Amanda (my ex) still cares and loves me. I don't want to ruin that, but I need to move on the best way I can. I can't afford to worry about how she feels about that, but at the same time I don't want to push her away. She says she wants me in her life, okay, but I need time to heal. And now that I'm doing things for myself, it seems that she hates it. I don't know what to do! Is it too early to begin to move on because I've had enough pain for these past few days to last me a lifetime...
Thoughts?

Quit looking at Facebook. Doing stuff like that creates more questions than anything. The ONLY way you can move on, if you truly want to, is to cut all contact with her for now. That means NO Facebook, NO pics, NO calls, NO email, NO nothing! You seem like you care more about not hurting her than you do about not letting yourself get hurt.

OMG! What part of Facebook and myspace do people not understand is the devil is break ups. A study showed that 63% of all couples break up because of something posted on the social networking sites.

Stop putting so much into those status updates because they mean NOTHING! All it does is fill you up and drop you down. Think about it, you see "depressed" or "confused" you get happy because you think she is rethinking things. You see "happy" or "excited" you get upset because she's moving on and has someone new.

Believe me, I've been there until my friend dared me to delete her and no longer look at her profile, and I did it while feeling so much better as each day went by

UPDATE:

She came over today to get the rest of her stuff, while I was here... and I don't really know how to describe how it went...

It wasn't negative in our interaction with each other, but it really hurt me that she was here in our apartment, but we were not together. It definitely set me back in my mind set, knowing that this girl that I loved is talking like nothing ever happened.

We talked about what was to happen with the furniture (splitting it eventually, and other formal things that needed addressing. We made jokes, and talked as if everything was OK, but I couldn't handle it. She was very optimistic that we would be friends, and she was acting as if nothing has happened. The breakup, the relationship, anything. Other then a few "You know me's" she didn't seem phased by us seeing each other for the first time since the break up, and a week of NC.

Now, I don't know what to do, she wants to be friends still and I have to admit it was nice seeing her, no matter what the circumstance. I feel I should keep up the NC and not reach out to her. It just hurt too much to see her as a "friend" for the first time, not being able to hold her or kiss her, or just be comfortable around her.

Any thoughts?

Based on how you have handled things thus far, I am also confident that there is a good chance of the two of you remaining friends. HOWEVER - the friendship will not be especially close, at least for a good while. More importantly, you are not yet at a stage where you are able to be a friend to her, even a casual one. It is best for you to maintain no contact for the time being, and only address contact initiated by her if it pertains directly to the partition of belongings, etc. and preferably through low-impact methods.

You still need time to heal and get past the immediacy. Based on the length of your relationship, it could take up to six months or more. You can take solace in the fact that the intensity of feeling will not remain constant throughout that period. It will unquestionably lessen.

Just keep in mind she has had a lot more time to deal with this break up, than you have. But you'll get there.

The last thing I would worry about is a friendship with her, as the others tell you. Like Tal said, she has had a lot more time to prepare for the breakup than you have. That is why she seems more in control than you do. It sucks to see that, I know. Part of you wishes she would just break down and cry in front of you, or at least show some sort of human emotion of pain or heartache. Take as much time as you need to heal yourself. Too often have I seen people rush back into the friends thing only to find out REAL quick and REALLY hard that they weren't ready. I honestly (and I mean honestly) don't EVER see myself being friends with my ex, and we have known each other for a LONG time. It just isn't something that I worry about. Maybe it will happen, but I am more worried about myself than I am about 'our' friendship. Keep on chugging along. The good times, and bad times, will keep happening. You are doing the right thing for yourself.

Yea man... I'm in the same boat you are. My ex keeps contacting me (twice this week alone). Every time I respond or pick up... but as soon as she asks me how I am doing or whatever... the feelings of sadness come back. I just talked to her this morning when she called on my work phone. I was able to talk to her for all of 2 minutes before it got really difficult. So I agree with wolfgang, I know I am not at the stage of even being casual friends and it sounds as if you are not either. Granted in my case she has been technically broke-up from me 3 months to the day, probably longer in her mind... but I have been broken-up from her for only 4 weeks. She definitely sounded further along in the process than I was... which sounds to be your case as well.

Just deal with it the best you can... and don't initiate contact. Stay busy so that when she does contact you, you have a reason not to pick up or answer back. This will allow to feel like your not ignoring her... which is my problem. We all are or have had to deal with this... it's not easy, nor will it get easier. The only thing to do is move forward and let things fall where they may. Don't get discouraged.

The only thing that will save us is time... and that's all we have to look forward to right now... the day that time completes it's job and heals us for the better.

UPDATE

Last weekend was the grey cup and I had a bunch of guys over, and she insisted she needed my computer for her homework, so yeah whatever I obviously let her, it is her homework. But throughout the game she kept on taking little shots at me in front of my mates, and being a little flirtly too.

Then later she got drunk and called my and told me how she was going to have so many guys and all this bull. I just ignored her and hung up on her, but it is really starting to get to me. And I know that's exactly what she wants, but I can't help it, the thought of her doing that ing kills me. Its more anger then sadness now, that its just the fact that she's TRYING to piss me off, not the fact that she's gone.

I had NC for a week and a bit when this happened. Then a day later she came over out of the blue and started going on about how such a bad day she had and how her living arangements weren't going to work out. She kind of suggested moving back here but I don't know.

I still care for her and I want to be here for her when she needs it (such as a place to live) but when she turns around and takes shots or tries to make me jealous, I don't know what the hell to think.

This is starting to drain me, I've been keeping busy and doing my own thing but she always manages to weasel her way in and make me feel like sh*t, one way or another.

Thoughts??

Your letting her have more power over u. your like feeding into her more and more as you talk. I know its easier said then done man. But you got to stop communicating and just do u. For her to call and do that in my opinion is really playing around with your emotions. Drunk dialing is not the best apporach on any of you guys. She should know better in my opinion. Just a thought to let you know.

I hope everything works out for you man.

UPDATE

Last weekend was the grey cup and I had a bunch of guys over, and she insisted she needed my computer for her homework, so yeah whatever I obviously let her, it is her homework. But throughout the game she kept on taking little shots at me in front of my mates, and being a little flirtly too.

Then later she got drunk and called my and told me how she was going to have so many guys and all this bull. I just ignored her and hung up on her, but it is really starting to get to me. And i know thats exactly what she wants, but I can't help it, the thought of her doing that ing kills me. Its more anger then sadness now, that its just the fact that shes TRYING to piss me off, not the fact that shes gone.

I had NC for a week and a bit when this happened. Then a day later she came over out of the blue and started going on about how such a bad day she had and how her living arangements weren't going to work out. She kind of suggested moving back here but I don't know.

I still care for her and I want to be here for her when she needs it (such as a place to live) but when she turns around and takes shots or tries to make me jealous, I don't know what the hell to think.

This is starting to drain me, I've been keeping busy and doing my own thing but she always manages to weasel her way in and make me feel like sh*t, one way or another.

Thoughts?????

Thoughts? YES! You are causing your own pain! You and only you! She can't do what she's doing unless you let her! If you want to be a doormat, then expect her to wipe her feet on you. If you want to get out of this with any semblance of dignity, then pick up your doormat, and move on! She will not die without you, or you without her. It's either time to move on, or to be prepared for much more of this, until she leaves you in the dust again!

I agree with Starbucks, you are causing your own pain by still talking to her. Let us know when you decide to pick up your balls and stand up for yourself. We preach No Contact because IT WORKS! Not because we are bitter and don't want anyone happy

Oh my gosh, leave this female alone, and have some peace for yourself.

I also agree with that. You are really causing your own pain here. You need to cut her out of your life. For as long as you need. So that you can heal and get over her. To call you like she did is unacceptable behavior and you should not answer the phone if she calls you.

do not... DO NOT let her walk all over you like this. It will only slow your process down. I have an x boyfriend that I broke up with two months ago and he still wants me in his life, but as every week goes on... I realize more and more that we cannot be friends. He showed up on my doorstep on Sunday and that alone put me back a couple of weeks with him.

Like tal said: you should really create a space and some peace for yourself.

My phycologist said something really great during or last session... she said that she has a friend who believes in enegry-fields (or something like that) and when you have an unpleasant phone call or a person IN your home that you don't want in your home... it creates a negative space inside of you and inside of your home.

although I'm not really into this stuff and neither is my phsyc... it does make sense. B/c if I talk to old boyfriend on the phone and I let him bugg me then I'm essentaially creating a negative space in my home.

It goes back to what I have said time and time again. Once we break up, or are broken up with, we are the ONLY people that can hurt us. Our ex's cannot hurt us, unless we let them. You have control over your own pain, so don't pawn it off as someone else's responsibility, or fault for that matter.

The only way you will be able to move on is to stop letting her in your life. You need to cut yourself off completely, or else you will never be able to heal and realize that there are other women. NC is a must. It will be the only way that you can prevent her from walking all over you, and the only way to show her what happens when she takes someone for granted.

Never allow her back in your place again... this is poison to your ego and your emotions! Tell her she needs to find somewhere else to do her homework. Your not her BF anymore, so why treat her like she is your GF. Let her fend for herself!