Don't know how to feel right now... my boyfriend of a year and a half just broke up with me. I expected myself to cry to be devastated but for some reason I don't feel anything right now.here is our story...

We've been together for quite some time now and have gone through a lot. Recently, I have been quite busy with family. I went on a vacation last weekend out of country and wasn't able to spend that weekend with him. On top of that his work schedule changed and left us with no time for each other during the week. I work 8-5 and he works 3-11pm. Then this coming weekend, he's going out of state with friends. So tomorrow, he decided to take a day off so we can spend time together but he knew I was already invited out for dinner with my old coworkers. He expected me to cancel my plans for him. See, it's not that I don't want to spend time with him because I do but I just don't think it was fair of him to take a day off and make me choose. I told him I'll compromise and he wouldn't listen. He'll say stuff "you don't care about me, you care more about your friends more than me. etc". I hate the guilt feeling.. And now.. he says he doesn't care anymore. He doesn't feel anything. He doesn't even know if he still wants to be with me. He said that he's never been treated this way by any of his ex gf's. They always choose him first. Also, when I said to him "why do you have to make choose? it's not fair".. he responded "wow, you have to think twice who you'll choose, you shouldnt even need to choose". I am so confuse right now. Am I not suppose to choose? Is he supposedly the one I should choose automatically because I love him? I thought I shouldn't have to. I guess I just expected him to understand. I don't know. He's being cold to me. I don't like how he's treating me right now and for him to break up with me over this is really immature. I asked him why do we have to break up? I thought we have something serious going but I guess I was wrong. He says my actions doesn't show enough that I love him. All he wants is to spend time with me but he says I can't give it to him. So he says he won't tolerate it and deserves better. That was it.. its over.

I am still trying to understand everything. How can it be over just like that? It's not like I don't love him or don't care about him. I guess Ive become too comfortable that he will always be there and understand. Sometimes, I just want to do something else with other people and not him all the time. Is that wrong? Maybe this is a good thing that we broke up. I don't know. Im not feeling the pain yet.

Any comments? Advise? Suggestions? Is greatly appreciated. Thank you!

Please help me understand this situation. Anything will help. Thank you.

You don't sound upset because you are standing by your decision not to cave in and run to his aid. Relationships are all about compromise. When you don't spend time together it is really hard to keep things afloat. If he wants to be immature and break up because he can't compromise, then the relationship was doomed to fail anyway. Communication, trust, compromise... all three have to be there for a good functional relationship. Sounds to me like he doesn't understand this and thinks he should be the center of your universe. Just doesn't work that way. Good for you in standing pat with your beliefs.

thank you.. I always try to understand everything first before making a drastic decision such as breaking up. This time around though I just don't understand it. For a second there, I thought I was such a horrible girlfriend that I was willing to choose my "coworkers" than him. But if he is really a good guy, he would understand and respect that I do need some time for myself, right? I know it just we haven't spent so much time together but it shouldn't end up to breaking up if he really loves me. Random thoughts... Thanks again!

Breaking up is the only option when you feel like it just can't work anymore. It isn't a word you just throw out there when things don't go your way. He is immature and needs to work on his issues. Maybe one of his ex gf's will take him back, they seem to be shallow enough for him.

Maybe one of his ex gf's will take him back, they seem to be shallow enough for him.

This actually made me SMILE. HA! :p

When will the pain hit? I'm a little too scared to deal with it...

It will hit... I think you are strong and smart enough to know that you stood by your decision and it will be fine. You are more afraid of being alone than anything. Don't worry, we are all here for you.

Way to go

You total owned him..

Why are you making choose ( perfect thing to say)

The reason why you don't feel upset or anything

Because he acted like a babey and you are quite happy that you stood your ground and made him run off sulking.

If he does come back.. which I think he will. Make sure you don't say sorry and you let him know that its not right for him to make you choose all the time.

Tell him. He is a part of your life. NOT your life
Simple as that my dear

Anyway nice read :)
You took that all very very well

I know he will come back. He has done this a few times already. I think that's why I'm not feeling anything right now. It's either I've had enough or it just hasn't hit yet. When he broke up with me before, I used to run after him and ask him to come back. Then lately, I've been able to stand on my own and ignore him until he wants me back. But now, I think I've had enough. Hmm.. I just hope its as easy as said now than done later...

You see your acting perfectly

Don't give them the power..

I use to do that to emotional control my girlfriends.. until they didn't bite. Then I was like OK this is a really dumb way to act.
I learnt the hard way
And so will he.

Don't let him use the fear of breaking up. To control your actions

Stay strong! :)
And everyone feels pain and loss somedays

But just play back in your mind the reason why.

You are right, absolutely. This just happened to me but I acted like your boyfriend in this situation. I regret it so bad and I wish I could have seen things the way they were at the time. He should know that you love him still even though you have your own life, and it doesn't always involve him. Wow, I wish I could tell him the outcome of the situation if he keeps it up...

The pain will hit when you least expect it.. keep yourself busy.. but allow time by yourself so you can slowly digest what happened. You don't want to ignore it completely but you also don't want it to bring you to the depths of dispare..

The true test of whether you're done with him is when the loneliness sets in.. you will either run to him, or you'll be strong and resist..

I suggest you write in a journal as to why you can't be with him.. and when you get those lonely pangs go to the journal and re-read why he's not right for you.. that will hopefully keep you away from him

my first night without talking to him went pretty okay... I still don't feel any pain.. but I admit I did think of calling him. What bothers me most is getting used to do the"usual" daily things without him. I know its just my first day of "NC" (I learned that from here ^_^) but the routine of talking to each other on the phone on my way home from work, before falling asleep, waking up in the morning, talking going to work and during lunch - those are the times when I just want to pick up my phone and call. Well, from yesterday.. the on my way home from work, before falling asleep and today on my way to work.. I've survived. I DID NOT call. I know I'm doing pretty good right now. I just hope that when the pain hits I'll be able to stand and make the right decision.

debdoes - I appreciate you posting that you were on the other side in this situation. It gives me hope that my ex will learn something from this and will make him a better man someday even if its not with me.

If you don't mind me asking - how long did it take you to realize your own actions?

Yeah, like I said before. I am not sure if people hurt more from adjusting to not having someone in their life who has been apart of it for so long, or hurt because they truly loved the person. It is a very gray area in the middle. I think the lonliness hurt me more to be honest. You have to break a routine, that for me was five years long, and that is something that isn't easy to do. Just keep posting on here. There are some individuals (ISneezeFunny) that actually kept a daily or weekly log on here of their NC progression. It is cool to read.

the pain will hit when you least expect it.. keep yourself busy.. but allow time by yourself so you can slowly digest what happened. you don't want to ignore it completly but you also don't want it to bring you to the depths of dispare..

The true test of whether or not you're done with him is when the lonelyness sets in..you will either run to him, or you'll be strong and resist..

I suggest you write in a journal as to why you can't be with him.. and when you get those lonely pangs go to the journal and re-read why he's not right for you..that will hopefully keep you away from him


I just want the pain to hit now or at least feel some sort of pain so it won't be so hard later. *Sigh* I hate break ups. I just hope I'll be strong enough to make the right decision when the true test comes along.

Break ups do suck, no doubt about it. But, like Rome says, things all apart so something better can be built.

That's definitely something to look forward Sometimes it makes me think if its so much better to just not get into any kind of relationship so I don't have to deal with any of this. Hmm. Just a thought.

NOOOO!! It is better to develop a loving relationship with yourself first, especially after a break up. Finding happiness with other people is a constant development, but once you find happiness with yourself... well, that lasts forever.

The constant development will always be there with other people but does it have to be a "significant other" or can it be from friends, family, coworkers.. etc? Would it be the same? Or Would be enough to grow?

It can be anyone. No two people are alike, thus developing a relationship with them takes time and effort, regardless of the type of relationship you are developing.

Well, we've been broken up for 2 weeks now, and I realized pretty much what an idiot I was since this weekend. I came across this website and posted my story and got feedback. Just reading my own story makes me sick just thinking how foolish I was.

Hey, hang in there. Everyone does things they aren't proud of... everyone panics. Hell, I still make mistakes and it has been almost three months. That should tell you something. It takes A LONG time to recover. Two weeks is nothing. The healing process is one drawn out roller coaster process, with a lot of ups and downs along the way.

I might be too late to answer this question, But still I do have a suggestion for you.

See when you mention "Ex GFS", think that he is A flirt. For Some Guys Love is Game and for some Love is Life. If he is the first kind then better be away from him before any instance.

If he is a second kind then he would not have left his GF's... what do you say

Decide yourself as I Don't know about that.

Well think and take a firm decision

BottomRock

I'm trying to hang in there... I know 2 weeks isn't a lot but it is enough to make me know I effed up bad...
And I'm not sure he even will realize his own mistake until something like this happens to him. I don't think I would have. Maybe if I did get help, things could have been different.

Too late to worry about that. You just have to realize we ALL make mistakes for a reason. As long as you learn and acknowledge your mistake (as you are doing), then it will only make you better.

Cricket stop focusing so much on what's going to happen in the future, your mind will heal how it wants to.. even if you feel like you're not healing right now you are

For now just enjoy the fact that you're not feeling anything.. everyone is different and everyone heals differently.. this is life.. it makes us who we are..

Keep yourself busy and like the others said break your routine.. go to the gym or try a cooking class.

OK... its starting to hit... im starting to miss him... I can't stop looking at my phone... whether he texted or called.. but of course with disappointment.. he didn't.. I guess the question is.. what if he did? What would have I done? I guess I can just think of this as a good thing. It's just hard. Well, I still have two hours and a half left of work then I would need to find something to do to keep my mind off him. In the meantime, like some of you suggested I am trying to think of all the reasons I don't deserve him but for some reason the whole "missing" him is somewhat taking over.

I might be too late to answer this question, But still i do have a suggestion for you.

See when you mention "Ex GFS", think that he is A flirt. For Some Guys Love is Game and for some Love is Life. If he is the first kind then better be away from him before any instance.

If he is a second kind then he would not have left his GF's... wat do you say

Decide yourself as I Dont know abt that.

Well think and take a firm decision

BottomRock

Thank you for your suggestion. He used to be the first one he says " Love was all a game" On every ex girlfriend he had.. he cheated on except me. I thought that was a good thing, but as months passes he became such a jealous guy. Probably too insecure since he's scared that I was going to cheat on him. He never trusted me. Always calls me a flirt even when I'm just talking to one of our friends. He's insecure he's scared. So I guess, he is too scared and that's why he let go. *uGh* he is so selfish.

You see, you are halfway there. Most people put their ex on a pedestal right after a break up, and can think of only the good times and good qualities. You, on the other hand, recognize his faults... good for you!

Thanks I'm trying... I still can't deny that I do miss him. Right now my feelings are going back and forth. One minute I miss him.. then the next minute I hate him. Is this normal?

Yes... completely normal. Breaking up (the process) is literally a roller coaster of emotions. It is your mind trying to balance the good and bad so to speak. You really can't do anything about it. I still have those feelings.

Yup it was a MAJOR rollar coaster for sure when me and my ex broke up.. that's just all part of the process

UPDATE

Last Friday after work... I did good by not calling him. I decided to go to the mall to do a little bit of "shopping therapy" and of course to keep my mind off him. As I was driving in.. there's a four way stop... and to my surprise.. guess who's on the other lane.. its "HIM"!! Wow.. of all the places and time.. we had to see each other. We just looked at each other as I pass his car and continued my way. Then about 15minutes later he called and of course I picked up. ( I have failed my first test, I know)

Here's our conversation

HIM: "Hi, I just saw you"
ME: "I know"
HIM: "going to Macy's"
ME: "yeah"
HIM: "oh okay..that's all bye"
ME: "bye"

Thinking that he might be still around I decided to go home right after that but I was wrong. While driving home I saw him again. He was on his way to see one of our friends who live right by my neighborhood. Then he texted me " I just saw you again..isn't it cute that we keep on bumping to each other?". I did not reply. He kept on texting me just to update me with what he's doing. The following day, he was going out of state for the weekend. He would text me and stuff. I would only reply to what's needed or could be just my excuse to say I'm not "rude". He also said he miss me. I did not reply. Tonight, he texd me again and I asked if I missed him and I replied " you shouldve thought of that before letting me go". Then he said "don't you miss me" and I replied " I don't know. there are times when I do miss you but there are also times when I'm so angry with you". Then he says " he didnt really want to break up" and I did not reply. Then he texted if he can call me later just to talk. I said OK.

I need help. I don't know what to say to this guy later. I know I shouldn't have put myself in this position. I could've said NO. I know I don't want to be with him anymore. I would like to let him know that. But what if in return.. he doesn't really want me back but just want to talk? I don't know. I'm just simply scared.

If I were you, I wouldn't pick up the phone next time. As a matter of fact, I would just turn my phone off so you aren't tempted to pick it up. He has you on a string now, cause he knows anytime he contacts you, you will eventually respond. If you really don't want him back, then ignore him. Easier said than done, I know. I know it is hard and we have all been where you are.

Wowwww! Still sounds like my situation! Again for the first week of our breakup I sound like him. And he reacted like you...

Hi Cricket, Congrats for standing up for yourself, as he was being a butt hole, expecting you to cancel your plans, to be with him, when all he had to do was communicate his plans ahead of time. Making a big deal of it just made things so much worse, and now he is rethinking his decision.

Stay cool, and let him express himself, and apologize, as his behavior was immature, and impulsive and quite selfish.

No apology, no relationship, so don't take no BS, because if he really misses you, and cares, he will show it with actions, and not just words.

Pay attention, and keep standing up for yourself. I like that in you.

Thanks again and thank you in advance

I didn't pick up his call when he called the first time last night. I felt I wasn't "ready" to talk to him yet. I needed time to think. Although, after a couple of hours I called him back but in return he didn't pick up. He then texted me a little while after saying why I'm always too busy for him, which turned me off even more. He then called me and I picked up. By this time I was not in the mood to talk to him but felt in respect I picked up.

He first blabbed on about how he's not important to me and how he is so hurt by my actions. I replied by saying "I am sorry if I ever hurt your feelings and I didnt intend to. You're not the only one hurt by all of this, I am too." I tried to explain again my reasons but he wouldn't listen. He was stuck on the mindset that it was all my fault and why do I keep hurting him. Which at some point I actually felt guilty. Then I thought, if he doesn't want to listen to my reasons.. why should I listent to his and why should I take all these hurtful things from him? As he continued to blab on.. my mind started to float on some other thoughts and eventually ended up not listening to him. I guess I got tired of listening to his non sense. Then he says, I guess this is it. This is goodbye and I said Ok. Then he he got mad and says "how can you just say okay? I guess it wouldve been better if I just didn't thnk of you over the weekend as I was out enjoying with friends and other girls." Of course he then caught my attention. I felt jealous. I wanted to know everything about his weekend. I wanted to know what happened, especially with the girls. *UGH* I hate it when my insecurities sets in. He got me and he knew it. I know I didn't help myself by doing this, I only helped him boost his ego even more. We ended the night me frustrated and him feeling pretty good about himself.

Before falling asleep, I know again I made a mistake by falling back into his trap. You were right I should have not answered that call. I should just let go now but it is so hard to do. When I thought I was doing so good, he simply comes back and ruins it. The sad thing is I just let him. *sigh*

Sucks. That is exactly why No Contact is the only way to go. I don't know how many times I thought I would feel better by talking to my ex, then I would end up feeling ten times worse. Never worth it.

The sad thing is I just let him. *sigh*

The good news, you can change your behavior any time you want.

Thanks Talaniman. It's definitely something to look forward to.

Why is NC so hard to do? Tell you what, it's definitely easiest to control when I think of all the pain which turns into anger. I'm sure it is somewhat normal to feel this way but isn't sad to know that's the way I know how to handle the situation?

That's what I tell people all the time when, all they see is the reasons to miss someone, play the whole tape and, realize things weren't perfect by any means.

That's dealing with reality. Its not as normal as you think, but your ahead of the game, when you see things for yourself.

UPDATE

I haven't been sleeping well this past couple of days. I guess I have been thinking too much. It's been almost a week now and I still have not wasted a single tear for this guy. He would still text me once in a while and would say "I miss you" but I've been ignoring him. I know I am hurting inside and would like this pain to go away. If I want a "quick and easy" solution - the answer is him.. but If I want a long lasting healthy solution for myself - then it is with TIME. I guess its no brainer which one I should choose, right? No worries so far I think I'm doing good with my decision (STAYING AWAY FROM HIM). I just need to keep going until its completely gone.

Question - we share a credit card together. Its under his name. I still have a balance in there but once I pay it I want it closed. Can cancel that myself or does it have to be him to cancel it?

Is your name on the contract? Usually if his name is the name on the card then you have no legal obligation (besides your agreement with him) to pay it off... you also have no way of closing it. It is a joint credit card or was it his that you both used?

Well I was just added to his account. It's under his credit not mine. On the credit card its just my name and not both. I was hoping I can just cancel my card not necessarily his credit account.

Clarification - he has his card with his name and I have mine with just my name.

Pay your share, and cancel it. Keep all receipts

K seriously?? It sounds like cricket loves this guy and is hurting just as bad as he is... I know a lot of break ups happen for a reason but does nobody on this website believe that things can be fixed? Maybe things can work out for them... maybe he will realize what he is doing wrong. Why waste a year and a half if things are fixable? And also... nobody has heard his side of the story so maybe cricket does stuff that would bother most people... Nothing against cricket because I really don't know... I'm just saying... it's not always NC that is going to figure out your life and help you move on if things can be worked out.

Anyone can realize the 'what I did wrong' in a relationship crap. I did that. We got back together, and for the first couple of months it was great. Then, guess what? We slipped right back into relationship hell and had the same problems. When there are serious problems in a relationship one person can't just change overnight and fix the issues that are HARDWIRED into their personality. That is why it is a good idea, most of the time unless you are married, to move on for awhile and work on yourself and your issues. This way, whether you get back with the same person, or you start a new relationship, you won't have those same issues arising.

I am not a perfect person and I'm sure there are things that I do that would annoy or bother some people. But that's what makes me unique (HAHAHAHA). Actually, it is a matter of acceptance in a relationship. If there is understanding, respect and acceptance then all those differences I believe will disappear. Like they say there is no such thing as a "perfect" person, it is by learning to see an imperfect person "perfectly". As of right now, I know we're both hurting. But I want to prove a point to him. My life is mine and does not revolve around him. I am willing to share it as long as I am treated right. Problem is he doesn't trust me well enough to believe that I do love him and only him. He should never compare himself with my friends, family, work etc. It's not even comparable. I'm sure our relationship is fixable but not until he realizes the reasons I am doing this. He needs to grow up. So, regardless of how much I love him and care about him, we need this break. I truly believe that if I really love him I need to let him go so he can find himself and be the best he can. Once he finds that and if we're given a chance to be together again - then I only get the best.

it's not always NC that is going to figure out your life and help you move on if things can be worked out.

NC give you the chance to let the emotional dust settle, so you can make better decisions for yourself, based on facts, and not just feelings.

People need tome to process their situation.

Once he finds that and if we're given a chance to be together again - then I only get the best.
If not from him, someone will appreciate you for your uniqueness.

Wow - surprise surprise... I received beautiful arrangements of flowers here at work. From who? Who else...

Is it wrong to call and say thank you? Hmm..

Makes sense and you're right... Just that your relationship is so comparable with mine and how I acted. I'm trying to figure out your way of thinking since it seems so similar to my ex... I probably will never know, I'm sure he will never call me again... grrrr

Debdoes - don't lose faith. Give him his space and time. Mean while work on yourself. It is good to know that at least you're realizing what went wrong and taking it one step at a time. I can guarantee you that he still cares for you. We both know that it doesn't take overnight to forget someone. He will come around. Just be sure though when that time comes you are ready to accept him even as just friends.

Thanks! I really hope you're right, even if it's just friends!

I called him last night to say thank you for the flowers. He said sorry and realized what he had done. He said it was selfish, immature and hurtful. He said he misses me and wants me back. I can tell he was sincere but it doesn't take a dozen of roses to change a person. LOL I know what I want and I do feel bad that I keep doing this to him. But as much as I want to say that I miss him, I end up not saying anything. I know I probably do need to do the NC if I don't want to keep hurting him. It's just hard if the guy is constantly calling and texting. I hate to ignore people. It seems so rude. Or am I just too nice? LOL

You need to tell him, and make it clear to him that you do not want to get back together with him. Because of your actions and your responses, he will continue to contact you thinking he has a chance to get you back, and maybe he does. You cannot keep stringing him along like this, as it is extremely hurtful and confusing to him. If you do not want a relationship with him, tell him that, be clear, and move on. Maybe even change your phone number. It may hurt him for awhile, but he will get over it. The more you draw this out, the longer the pain will continue, especially for him. That is not fair to either of you.