My BF and I used to have sex every day. Now it is 1-2x a week and me initiating. He said it is because he is depressed about $ and sex is the last thing on his mind.. which is not true, because he surfs porn every chance he gets. In the morning after I leave for work and on his days off- as much as 3 hours then. He said he is to try to get his drive back for us. I am not buying that. I did put on 7 pds on my small 5'2 frame. Because of a knee injury and I am working on that. But, I am so upset about this and my confidence has dropped and it is turning into depression. Is the Porn causing him to lose interest or has he lost interest and turning to Porn.. I don't know what to do, but I am at the end of my rope. When I try to tlak aobut it, he said that I am putting too much pressure on us. He acts like he loves me in all ways,but this. Is it the porn? Is it a control issues (I am the primary breadwinner).

Please do yourself a favor and do a Google search on porn addiction and read up. Then give him the ultimatem, get help for his addiction or get lost!

Here's the deal. If he is stressed about $ then he could lose his drive. If he is depressed then he could lose his drive. Jerking off to him is not him thinking of sex 'persay'. It's his way of releasing stress and for a man, it's really just kind of a job that has to be done. My husband jerks off once daily. He doesn't do it because he doesn't want me. He does it because he's either upset, tired, emotionally drained, or he doesn't have the energy to have sex with me. And on the days we do have sex which is about 2 or 3 times a week, he still jerks off that day. Just to release stress and pressure. So to be honest, I don't think it's you honey. He's got some issues he's working through. It has nothing to do with you gaining 7 pounds. I'm sure he hasn't even noticed and even if he has that has nothing to do with it. Let him know that you know he's stressed and you understand. The stress will start to melt away to sex more often for you together.

Bellyache about something he likes to do like watch some porn and yeah.. its going to be reflected in him shutting down on you. Badmouth his family... or his friends and you get the same response.

Porn isn't going to reduce his desire... if anything it will spark it. Complaining incessantly about it WILL wilt his willy every time guaranteed.

If he spent 3 hours a night in a bar drinking a few beers with his friends would that be an addiction? If he spent 3 hours a night watching sports would that be an addiction? THen 3 hours watching porn isn't an addition either. Whens the last time you spent 3 hours at the mall looking at clothes? Se where I'm going.

Porn has NOTHING to do with you, how you look or your personality. Guys don't compare their women to porn stars... why do you?

completely disagree that porn automatically = a jump start to a relationship.

yes... some couples use it successfully, and we have long standing members here who have and do... smoothy included.

but to state what is OK for one couple is OK for all is bs.

not all women like anal. smoothys wife does. Not all women like porn. smoothy uses it regularly as a healthy part of his sex life. Not all people are driven to have sex daily. smoothy does.

OK.

but he's not the standard by which you gauge your life. Neither am I.

you state your partner is concerned about money. Stress and anxiety are absolutely libido killers.

is porn here being used to get a "fix" when he's feeling like crap? That's for him to answer.

if were going to condemn people for self stimulating to make themselves feel better, add me to the list.

but at some point, when he's unattentive and neglectful, you certainly get to make some noise. I don't assume he's using his hand because you are nagging him. It could just as easily be the other way around... he's been neglectful and you discovered his voyeurism after the fact.

the use of porn is not all good or all bad. To go to any such extreme is just too simplistic.

best case scenario... you take him at his word and try to focus on the causes ($$) not the symptoms... but at some point, he needs to step up and meet your needs.

if you are doing all the emotional lifting and he's leaving you to fend for yourself I don't care if its because of porn or not... you aren't getting yours and that's an issue. He can step up to the plate or he can hope you do all the work or there can be middle ground found.

no relationship can be "saved" without dealing with the primary causes of stress and distance. So if cash is the issue... what can be done? If his self esteem is the issue, what's that about? If porn is an issue, is it just his getting a fix or are there other problems he's not willing to talk about.

there is NO one-size-fits-all when it comes to a relationship. He isn't necessarily a "porn addict" and you aren't necessarily a "nag"...

time to decide what you need, what you'll concede, and how you can move forward... with or without him.

I don't think anybody said it would jumpstart a relationship.

It is however a free diversion when he doesn't have money for other things.

But like you said, al sorts of stress and worrying about money most definitely can cause a reduction or loss of libido. But its rarely permanent... being understanding will help. Complaining about it will only increase his stress level.

My BF and I used to have X every day. Now it is 1-2x a week and me initiating. He said it is because he is depressed about $ and sex is the last thing on his mind.. which is not true, because he surfs PRN every chance he gets. In the morning after I leave for work and on his days off- as much as 3 hours then. He said he is trying to get his drive back for us. I am not buying that. I did put on 7 pds on my small 5'2 frame, because of a knee injury and I am working on that. But, I am so upset about this and my confidence has dropped and it is turning into depression. Is the PRN causing him to lose interest or has he lost interest and turning to PRN.. I don't know what to do, but I am at the end of my rope. It is so depressing.

First of all 1 or 2 times a week for sex is NOT BAD. How long have you two been dating? I don't know of ANY couple that has sex everyday! I wouldn't want to do that, as I am not in a mood EVERY single day...

We have been dating only 5 months!

Do you guys live together? How old are you?

My BF and I used to have X every day. Now it is 1-2x a week and me initiating. He said it is because he is depressed about $ and sex is the last thing on his mind.. which is not true, because he surfs PRN every chance he gets. In the morning after I leave for work and on his days off- as much as 3 hours then. He said he is trying to get his drive back for us. I am not buying that. I did put on 7 pds on my small 5'2 frame, because of a knee injury and I am working on that. But, I am so upset about this and my confidence has dropped and it is turning into depression. Is the PRN causing him to lose interest or has he lost interest and turning to PRN.. I don't know what to do, but I am at the end of my rope. It is so depressing. Besides this- he is a very loving and considerate BF.. but this is just eating me up.

Yes, we live together. I am 38- he is 36. It all happened so fast in the beginning.

You really expect to have sex everyday? Or do you expect that for the first year you date? I need to know what your expectations are here.

well in 5 months my dear the X does start to slow down

but what your left with, is other good emotions.

sex is not everything in a relationship
I understand that you think its something to do with you. Trust me its not

Us guys.. when we get down.. or upset.. really having sex is the last thing on our minds..
because sex is a lot of work.
and its hard to keep our minds on.. what we are doing.

but porn.. on the other hand is easy.. and we don't have to try and make the other person happy.. or anythig.. it is just us and that's it..

and now is the time where most people are really worried about money.. so give him a break and don't take it to heart so much..

Im sure once he gets over this.. it will be fine..

relationships are a changing beast.
so live and learn with the changes


good luck

I actually thought niavely for the first year there would be no problems. The combination of me finding out about all of the P*RN use + the rapid decline from every day to 1- MAYBE 2x a week over the last 2 months has me feeling very disconnected.

Don't read too much into it. Guys are like that. Most people say we would have sex at the drop of a dime, but that isn't the case. There are a lot of things we let get to us that will ruin our sexual drive for a time being. Nothing to do with you.

For the first year no problems? No no no no :) there will always be something..
I mean two people living together
No matter how much you love each other

There will always be something.. :P


This is not a big problem.. this is him being a bit upset and just not in the mood..

This will change

I assume you mean porn right?

Why are you, making his problem, yours?

That's what keeps you from seeing that this is not your fault, as he is self loving way too much, and has less interest because of it.

Its pure physics, and nothing personal. A guy with no spunk, has no interest, so tell him either save it for you, and find something else to do with his time, or get to steppin'.

The last thing you need is to think a few lousy pounds, is the problem, far from it.

He may be addicted to porn, and needs some extreme motivation.

This is affecting yourself esteem, and judgement.

Now you see, this is what I am talking about. We need to spell check our work. I thought you meant he surfed PRN (PRN Being some acronym for an ocean or something). That is a lot of porn time. Three hours. Usually takes me three minutes... that's is all I would need.

Well, as a woman I feel your pain. Maybe the passion has just left the relationship for a while, but will return soon. Maybe you can do sometthing special for him, something he always wanted to do. I know you may be thinking he's cheating on you, but if you love him, give him the benefit of the doubt, if he's the nice guy you suggest he is. Try not to think about you not being intimate with him often, because depression isn't something you want to stay in. Hope I helped.

I would say his masturbation problem is the problem with the whole situation, he's more concerned in watching porn and himself then you and your feelings. For example, I remember reading that those who are chronic masturbaters become very selfish and self-centered. That's why I try to stray away from masturbation at all costs, and I'm saying if I want to impress my girl I just get a few drinks in me and I can go forever. Lol

But, please do NOT think that situation has occurred because of you, I wouldn't see that as the case at all. Tell him you want to be sexually active with him more and he doesn't need that porn, but maybe he's watching specific pornography that turns him on, that just isn't you, it would probably be the total opposite if you find out and talk about it.

Hope this helps, good luck!

We have been dating only 5 months!
Strangers jumping really fast into living together?


I actually thought niavely for the first year there would be no problems.
That's pretty naïve of you considering your still learning each others ways. That may take years.

The combination of me finding out about all of the PORN use + the rapid decline from every day to 1- MAYBE 2x a week over the last 2 months has me feeling very disconnected.

Less sex is normal, as life gets in the way, and you get over the newness of each other. That's when you explore other parts of the relationship, and make adjustments.

The porn is okay as long as it doesn't cause problems in your life, and it has.

Make no mistake though, that's not the only problem, as the honeymoon is over, and the work begins.

Hmmm... must be my recovering eyes. Was sure I read those words somewhere (porn should jumpstart it)... but perhaps not. Edited out? From another post? I'm obviously not sure...

Anyway... you pick your fights. Some are worth fighting, regardless of how it makes him feel... if its worth it to you, you choose. My wife's put her proverbial boot to my neck before, sometimes when it was "needed"... sometimes for the "fun" of it I guess.

If life in the bedroom was absolutely stunning, all you could ask for and a bag of chips, would this be such an issue... like if his drive was just much stronger than yours..

Chances are the lack of intimacy and attention are the issue... porn use is just one "excuse" for his distance, along with stress, depression, etc...

So, again, I think most agree that no matter what is judged as right or wrong, dealing with the cause and not the symptoms is the best path to resolving this... whether it means you find common ground or step back.

You probibly saw it in a different thread on a different post from a different person. I do agree with what you said. Blaming the problems on an imagined issue is ignoring the root cause. And to get anywhere you need to get to the root cause. Defuse his stress, not be judgemental and maybe the problem will start to reverse itself.

That's the problem sometimes if the OP's question is usually presented as they see it with their own biases. It can make it hard to help if they deviate far from what's really going on. Not saying this is or not but many times we aren't presented with the full story and all the facts.

See KP as I see it porn is the problem. As an example just read all the posts on here concerning the use of porn and the sexual problems people, mostly men are having. I find it very unusual how the two are directly related, don't you? Some people find porn stimulating , but then again some people like S&M, bondage swapping, and all sorts of other " games". Sorry I find that sort of thing distasteful and degrading to the family unit.

And how many OTHER people are having problems with their relationships (just look in the relationship boards) that have NOTHING to do with porn?

It really comes down to communication and expectations. I truly think that Disney movies are EQUALLY responsible for the problems most people have in their relationships as porn is.

You want to talk impossible expectations? Let's look at a 16 year old girl meeting a prince (and it's the FIRST guy she's dated!) and marrying him and living happily ever after with true love forever and ever---most of the time after the 2 of them have talked only 5 or 6 times at most. You think THAT doesn't give as unrealistic an expectation about relationships as porn does?

I don't care what people do in their bedrooms, as long as BOTH partners are in agreement about it. S&M, bondage, swapping, swinging, threesomes--who cares? If both people are willing, and realize what they are getting into, it's not anyone else's business!

And frankly--the family unit has nothing to do with what you see in "Leave it to Beaver" or "The Brady Bunch"---that sort of unrealistic view of what a family should be is JUST as damaging as everythign else!

The problem here is she has certain expectations of a boyfriend, he doesn't meet them, and she blames it on porn, rather than on the fact that neither of them has actually had a decent conversation with the other, with no distractions, about what their expectations of a relationship ARE.

Frankly, any female who would support a man deserves all the misery she gets. Get rid of him... he is using you and lying to you! He knows you are desperate for a man and uses this knowledge against you.

Time for some therapy so you can get on the right track about men, get a big increase in self-esteem and know YOU DESERVE THE BEST IN LIFE so you can have happiness and enjoy the time you have on earth. :)

My very best wishes to you going forward,

Why is it that some people are on a crusade with Porn... but not soap Operas... sports channels.

I think people who constantly jump to those conclusions have their own issues. They are just automatically placing blame on something THEY have a personal Issue with.

Someone enjoying few beers at home after a hard day at work does not equal alcoholic...

A women that watches her daily soap operas isn't addicted to those...

They can sit the entire day watching Football or basketball or even Soccer games but that's not addicted...


But let a guy look at porn for more than 5 minutes then somehow "He's addicted" automatically.

Sorry about going off on a tangent here but I hate it when people blame everything on one thing all the time.

Porn has existed as long as mankind has been able to make pictures or sculptures... And I think with a few exceptions along the way we've been doing pretty well despite that.

There have been a lot of similar threads lately, and a lot of us have been going back and forth on whether some porn related behaviors are for boredom, pure entertainment, stress release, as a basic distraction from or avoidance of real life and its responsibilities, problems in the relationship etc. or whether they are truly at the level of addiction.

WE can't know if it's an addiction or not. Our information is just too limited. We only get one side of the story, and the details are usually so minimal that we cannot really have a true sense of the situation. Calling something an addiction is not a light accusation. In any case, although there are some skeptics, the idea of pornography addiction has been widely accepted as a true addiction by the psychological community, and standard classifications for porn addiction have also been established.

What differentiates regular viewing of pornography from porn addiction is that the former deals with various forms of self-regulated viewing, while the latter, in its simplest terms, is categorized by the overuse or abuse of pornography. There are also classifications for pre-addictive behaviors, and these must also be considered seriously to varying degrees.

Here are the standards for categorizing porn addiction, which have been laid out by psychologists Irons and Schneider (see Pornography addiction): - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pornography_addiction):)

* Recurrent failure to resist impulses to engage in a specified behavior
* Increasing sense of tension immediately prior to initiating the behavior
* Pleasure or relief at the time of engaging in the behavior
* At least five of the following:

O Frequent preoccupation with the behavior or with activity that is preparatory to the behavior
O Frequent engaging in the behavior to a greater extent or over a longer period than intended
O Repeated efforts to reduce, control, or stop the behavior
O A great deal of time spent in activities necessary for the behavior, engaging in the behavior, or recovering from its effects
O Frequent engaging in the behavior when expected to fulfill occupational, academic, domestic or social obligations
O Important social, occupational, or recreational activities given up or reduced because of the behavior
O Continuation of the behavior despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent social, financial, psychological, or physical problem that is caused or exacerbated by the behavior
O Tolerance: need to increase the intensity or frequency of the behavior in order to achieve the desired effect, or diminished effect with continued behavior of the same intensity
O Restlessness or irritability if unable to engage in the behavior
* Some symptoms of the disturbance have persisted for at least one month, or have occurred repeatedly over a longer period

As I wrote earlier, I have no idea if the OP's partner is addicted or if he's just stressed, upset, bored, a little depressed and avoiding some of the more difficult hurdles in life. Still, if one's partner were out drinking every single day or every single night, and it got to the point where he wanted to sit with his bottle instead of his girlfriend, we would have to accept the *possibility* of it reaching (or having reached) a point of addiction. The same thing goes for gambling, shopping, plastic surgery... it's more than the behavior itself; addiction is also based on dependency.

When a man enters a relationship, he is responsible for holding up his end of the bargain for the well being of the couple regarding its emotional needs, financial needs, real life needs, physical needs, and its intimacy needs, whether pornography is in his life on a daily basis, or whether he never blinks an eye in its direction. If he's not doing these things, and if there is one element that continues to come between him and his partner, that element also needs a little look-over to make sure it's just a symptom of something else rather than a root cause. I think an important idea was also introduced in an earlier post; that is, since there are so many subjective elements involved, what might be right for one couple can be very wrong for another.

It sounds like the OP's partner might just be going through a rough patch. However, it's not appropriate to accept his scolding toward the OP because she is bringing up their issues at this time, which just happen to include the pornography. I do doubt the idea that she nagged him so much about it in the early stages that he had no choice but to bury himself in it more and more. Also, I think there is a big difference between an OP who is completely unaccepting of the idea of porn in the first place, and an OP who does not have a problem with it when it is used as extra entertainment in one's private time, but feels that it has possibly crossed over to another use of it, which could potentially mean that there's something more serious going on.

Synnen, I agree with the Disney idea. I suppose that ending each movie with a "and then she wakes up and is still mopping floors" ending was probably found to be too depressing for all children under the age of 16. *wink

hmmm.... must be my recovering eyes. was sure i read those words somewhere (porn should jumpstart it)... but perhaps not. edited out? from another post? im obviously not sure...

I thought "jumpstart" was paraphrasing parts from two previous posts, including that of the OP:


Porn isn't going to reduce his desire...if anything it will spark it. Complaining incessantly about it WILL wilt his willy every time guaranteed.


...sex is the last thing on his mind.. which is not true, b/c he surfs porn every chance he gets. In the morning after I leave for work and on his days off- as much as 3 hours then. He said he is to try to get his drive back for us. I am not buying that.

Rogers, if he is actually suffering from clinical depression or anxiety, these would most certainly be your biggest culprits. They would definitely affect intimacy issues, and they would likely drive him into hiding in something else (which in this case might just be porn). If you think he is suffering from clinical depression or anxiety, even if it is low-grade, you really should consider getting him into therapy. If they are the root of the problem, it is likely that "the porn issue" could begin to fix itself as his mental health improves.


I did put on 7 pds on my small 5'2 frame. b/c of a knee injury and I am working on that. But, I am so upset about this and my confidence has dropped and it is turning into depression.

It is definitely not the 7 pounds. You need to start asking yourself why you would point the finger at your 7 pounds as being the cause of your partner's pulling away.

Ok, all right! This is odd coming from me considering I had a similar problem (and sometimes am still dealing with it) but PEOPLE LOVE PORN! Men and women alike! Its not personal or being used against you. I guarantee you whatever images are in his face while he slaps the salami will be forgotten by the time he's done, and you'll be his next good thought. I've found letting go of the issue (for me) has = more sex! Don't pester him about it leave it be and be a supportive loving girlfriend wherever you can be. Don't let>

this issue envelop the rest of your relationship. You state he loves you in all *other* ways. Well good! Porn won't take away from that. He doesn't know or care for that girl. Hes just having a geezer and relieving some stress. BIG FAT DEAL. Males are pervy by nature and women love to be ogled. Move on. In the end it all means nothing. You however do mean something. Don't beat up on him for this. Have you ever thought *not* having to worry about someone else's orgasm while having yours = less demand,

For someone who is already stressed thinking of you, your orgasm, is he doing it right, did it last long enough, did it go to long, are you satisfied etc etc isn't helpful. A hand requires nothing and equals no guilt or added stress. He still desires and loves you! Ride this rough patch out with him secure in this knowledge. And for the record I have girlfriends who wish for sex once or twice a week with their bfs. You really don't have it that bad girl!

Speaking as a man who has a wife even more petite than you... and who in the course of the last 17 years of marriage has seen her weight go both above and below her current 100 lb weight by 10 lbs I will comment that 7 lbs isn't significant. You CAN see it but its not significant. 30 or 40 lbs can be enough to put many guys off. But 7 lbs would just be a lame excuse if he did say that.

See KP as I see it porn is the problem. As an example just read all the posts on here concerning the use of porn and the sexual problems people, mostly men are having. I find it very unusual how the two are directly related, don't you? Some people find porn stimulating , but then again some people like S&M, bondage swapping, and all sorts of other " games". Sorry I find that sort of thing distasteful and degrading to the family unit.

Yes... and the wonderful thing about life is you get to choose what you will and will not put up with. You choose it. You own it. Your choice and decision.

A mate who is financially sloppy and forgetful can do more damage to a relationship than the person who gambles with buddies on a weekend and doesn't blow the bank.

A man who neglects his partners intimate needs yet doesn't cheat can crush his wife's self esteem like the cheater, though in a more chronic than acute manner.

My brother in law is an addict... another year, another addiction. Could be drugs. Alcohol. Gambling. Sex. video games. Whatever... he is "miswired" and uses whatever device is convenient to tear apart whatever life he has built since the last crash and burn.

Personally, I've said many times before that I think the less you rely on "external sexual crutches" the better... and I see great potential for misuse of porn.

I see great potential for the misuse of sex to hold together relationships that are lacking in critical areas.

My healthy respect of gravity keeps me from jumping out of perfectly good airplanes. The love I have for my son and wife keeps me home more now that I would be otherwise.

And on and on and on. Many people wouldn't be comfortable with my wife's light flirting with other men when we are out. Some would call it disrespectful to our commitment to each other.

Hell... we've even seen threads where people believe a married woman cannot be friends with a single man after she marries.

I don't care what position you deem as acceptable in your bedroom or what sex acts are considered respectful of the family unit. You decide that for yourself. You see getting down on your knees to please a lover as disgusting?. fine. Your call. Think a woman or man masturbating is acceptable or not? Your call. She's not married and having sex. Is that acceptable?. I sleep with my wife... not my wife's friends expectations, her fathers morals, or her coworkers definition of crude.

The OP'er needs to evaluate what's acceptable to her, where the lines are drawn, and own it herself. Same with her guy. He needs to figure out what he's willing to concede, willing to do, willing to fight for.

He might be depressed. An inconsiderate jerk. An addict or a person with a destructive compulsive behavior. In a rut. Bored with the relationship sexually. etc. he might be all the above. Or not.

Some women would be absolutely thrilled to have sex 1-2 times a week. Some could do without it all together. I'm not going to judge her sexual "quota" as acceptable or not. Her call. Same with his behavior. If she hates it, she has every reason to complain.

>THREE Threads Merged<
Please don't spam post the SAME question on different boards.

I think he is not able to express his true feelings towards you.

You ever think that you do something so many times in a day it gets BORING? Bring back the spark by taking a brake for a couple days. When you guys are ready again, you should be surprised in how horny you will be!

This is a topic I've been wrestling with, since I feel to some extent it caused the breakup with my ex (although it was just one of many things which I related in another post (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/privacy-versus-trust-digital-age-295350.html?highlight=privacy+versus+trust)). My ex was not tolerant and I tried to quit -- I nearly did, but made a slip from time to time -- she wasn't forgiving. Ultimately she got frustrated and told me to 'look at anything' I wanted to look at, and she would do the same, but I honestly wanted to be the person she wanted me to be. Complications in our relationship became such that *anything* she thought was stimulating or attractive to me could set off her jealousy -- not only porn, but TV, movies, a picture on a billboard, whatever.

I understand now she has considerable anxiety issues, but also I feel warped in my guilty feelings that I'm not a faithful lover -- even though I know in my heart I wouldn't ever have cheated on her (as she did me). I'm purging myself from x-rated sites -- but does that mean I shouldn't ever watch TV or film again, for fear of being aroused by some actress? As an artist and writer, I deal a lot with both the female form and sex, so maybe I just need a more forgiving girlfriend.

My BF and I used to have sex every day. Now it is 1-2x a week and me initiating. He said it is b/c he is depressed about $ and sex is the last thing on his mind.. which is not true, b/c he surfs porn every chance he gets. In the morning after I leave for work and on his days off- as much as 3 hours then. He said he is to try to get his drive back for us. I am not buying that. I did put on 7 pds on my small 5'2 frame. b/c of a knee injury and I am working on that. But, I am so upset about this and my confidence has dropped and it is turning into depression. Is the Porn causing him to lose interest or has he lost interest and turning to Porn.. I dont know what to do, but I am at the end of my rope. When I try to tlak aobut it, he said that I am putting too much pressure on us. He acts like he loves me in all ways,but this. Is it the porn? Is it a control issues (I am the primary breadwinner).

Sweetie I am going through the same problem but don't believe in the bull excuses that he doesn't have the energy or this that and the other, my bfs problem has gotten my computer infected heavily with viruses. For me I would say it would be different if he didn't make me leave the room or block me off, because that just makes me feel more like you, that he's not attracted to me. His, now apparent porn addiction and other things caused by him have made a serious change in personality for me, and I am depressed all the time, I don't know what to do .