I've been in a long distance relationship for the past 4 years with this girl and things have always been amazing. Really. We never had one single fight and we care for each other a lot. We've met in the labor day and we had the time of our lives.

So last week she tells me she met new friends and she is going through changes and that she doesn't really know what she feels about me anymore. She says she wants some time to think about us, some time without me to try and understand what is my role in her life. She said she didn't fell for anyone nor that she wants to get involved with anyone else, is just that she doesn't feel the same anymore.

She is coming for Thanksgiving and I know that we like each other, it seems that it's just that the distance took its toll on her. So I sort of know that when she comes, we'll have fun... and it's quite possible that we'll be back together, or at least end it in a high note.

Thing is, how can I deal until then? I'm finding hard to give her this space. Anyone know how to deal with the urges of calling her or sending mails or something? I'm just trying to reach the end of the month! I know it's the minimum since we've been together 4 years, but... It's so hard!

Thing is, how can I deal until then? I'm finding hard to give her this space. Anyone know how to deal with the urges of calling her or sending mails or something? I'm just trying to reach the end of the month! I know it's the minimum since we've been together 4 years, but... It's so hard!

It is really hard, but you just have to make a deal with yourself to leave her alone. You literally have to Man Up to do this!! I hope I am wrong, but when someone says this to you it is usually a pretty bad ending... especially for you. The less you contact her and the more you leave her alone the better the outcome, I promise you that. Just fill your mind and day with other things that do not allow you to give attention to her.

I bet she is changing, as what kind of space does someone need that you only see occasionally? How old are you, and why hasn't the distance between you been bridged a long time ago?



Anyone know how to deal with the urges of calling her or sending mails or something?


By doing other things you enjoy, and putting your own interest ahead of hers.

4 years is a long time to be involved with someone, and its unrealistic to think you can just cancel her from your life so easily.

You can slowly be proactive in seeking the company of friends and family, though but this is going to be hard, I will not lie.

So Thanksgiving came. And as I said we had a lot of fun. We found we actually still like each other. But the distance won't go away so soon. And she can't stand it anymore. So we ended our story in a high note.

It hurts. But now I had some sort of closure. Time to move on.

4 years in a long distance relationship is amazing to say the least.

Once you find a girlfriend closer to home, and (again) experience the benefits of having a "normal" relationship you will see you did the right thing.

Go man go. Remember, your time with her was GOOD. That it is over is by no means a failure. Remember it well, with fondness, with no regrets... and most of all with no rebounding.

Life is ahead and more love awaits.

@JBeaucaire: What do you mean by no rebounds?

It means don't rush into a relationship until you are ready. Learn to be happy with yourself first.

@JBeaucaire: What do you mean by no rebounds?

It means while you're thinking about this ex occasionally, don't let yourself be tempted to rebound back in her direction.

Also, KCTiger's take on not bounding into a new "headlong" relationship is probably a good caution, too.

But mainly I meant remember her, but don't pine after her. Let the memories JUST be what they are... memories, and good ones if possible.

It means while you're thinking about this ex occasionally, don't let yourself be tempted to rebound back in her direction.

I kind of see why you are saying this, and in no way I am going to sit and wait for her to come back, I am already in a NC phase until I can get dettached from her and we can try to be good friends, which also may never happen. I already understood that she might not be the right person for me and that there are lots of fish in the pond. And right now I am trying to focus all my energy on my work and in making friends, new circles, getting back to old hobbies (yeah, my guitar was getting really dusty in the corner).

But I don't understand why you think I shouldn't go back to her if she get herself to love me back even with the distance and I am available, or if we end up in the same city in the future and we are both available, we shouldn't try to make it work.

Of course, if she calls me too soon, I would tell her to give herself a bit more time to think this through since there's a huge chance it's just she's feeling lonely. But I doubt this would happen, specially because I asked her to give me some healing time at least until Christmas (we're going to our home city and our families have common friends, so there's no way we can't avoid seeing each other again). Plus she's under so much stress from school that she can't even think about us anyway - that's the reason why only after 4 years she started feeling bad about the distance.

It was, after all a clean break up. There was never cheating or lying, nor any funny business. And the times we were together were great. We both became better people with each other. The whole thing was perfect, even in the end, lots of communication, the pain inflicted was kept to the minimum, nothing more, with both of us understanding what was going on with the other. I know it sounds unbelievable but it was just like that. And I'm not lying to myself!

Just opening a bit of my heart... maybe it'll make me feel better.

I think the worst part of this whole thing is starting to hit me: the idea that I'm now alone again. Last week I was in a choral concert and I couldn't find anyone to go with me. So I went alone. And I felt so sad I wouldn't be able to share the experience with my ex anymore, I couldn't stand it and left in the first interval. And had drinks with my roommate.

It's weird. It's not like I am the shy kind of guy and I am outgoing enough and reasonably attractive so it's not like I think I'll be alone forever. But right now, it just feels so empty to go out and hook up like it was before getting into college. And at the same time I feel I'm not ready to get into the work that is a new relationship... So it's like, I think I'll have to learn how to live with myself again, and while there is freedom in doing what I want, at the same time, it feels lonely because there isn't that close person with whom I can share the experiences in the way I could with my ex.

Although I know my ex didn't do anything wrong intentionally, I still feel that I am suffering and that she was the source of it. And the care I had for her is slowly transforming into a weird type of despise... it's not that I blame her for anything and during the relationship she was always there for me, but right now it feels like I was abandoned, that she gave up on us due to the distance while I never had when I was faced with similar issues.

I don't believe anymore I would ever become her friend again because it feels that if I talk with her, everything would come back in an instant. I hate the fact that we had a really really great thing and that it is gone because of something that is just one of these things of life... and at the same time I start feeling like she, unconsciously, let it die, and that makes me hate her a little.

I hope in the future I can forgive her for the whole pain I am suffering now.

Although I know my ex didn't do anything wrong intentionally, I still feel that I am suffering and that she was the source of it. And the care I had for her is slowly transforming into a weird type of despise...
It doesn't matter if she did anything wrong or not. If she DID, would that make it OK for you to turn your pain into hate?

Absolutely not.

It's a common and unfortunate habit that many people do exactly that. You've admitted you're starting down that road, too.

Don't do it. Healing is NOT about blame. It's not even really the "getting over" that people obsess about.

Healing is about getting on. Life doesn't stop being everything wonderful and possible that it always was just because someone has stepped out of your life. Not at all. Healing is about connecting with the truths about your own character, what is good and right and beneficial to you.

Healing is about accurately remembering. It is SOOO convenient to play the blame game because making lists of other people's sins is so easy to do. But it's pointless. You seldom give exes credit for their intent, only what they did. So in your mind they end up being evil and you're righteously indignant.

So what? It rarely HELPS in any way once you've accomplished that. I know, some people can't heal without the blame game, and that's why there's usually another unhealthy relationship waiting for them.

No, you don't have to give in to that natural "she's an evil ogre" process. You can just remember accurately what actually happened, the good and the bad. The good you keep on your list of things to include the future. The bad goes on the list of things to avoid.

That's all. That's the best result of an ending relationship, good and helpful lists and character checking. Not hate.


I don't believe anymore I would ever become her friend again because it feels that if I talk with her, everything would come back in an instant... You're smart. Listen to that, remember it. Avoid rebounding.


I hope in the future I can forgive her for the whole pain I am suffering now.That's a great sentiment. Why not forgive her now, during the pain. If you do that, the pain is lessened.

Forgiveness isn't something you do for other's benefit (although they do benefit)... mainly you do it for yourself. You do it to end the hate-thoughts, you do it to stop the obsessing and overanalyzing.

And you do it because you're a better man having done it.

You can do it.

Yesterday I spoke with my ex. Because I felt it wasn't quite clear during the whole break-up that she actually doesn't love me anymore, it seemed more like she got tired. I don't know why I called because I really don't want to get back anymore (or maybe I do and I am lying to myself). I think I just wanted to hear that she doesn't love me anymore. But maybe it was just a huge mistake. I felt better though. Or I think I do. I finally heard she saying that she still cares about me but that she doesn't love and that she sees me as a friend. I told her that I don't think that can happen, because everything would come back.

She said that in the future if things go differently we should give it another try, because she thinks the "friendization" happened due to distance only. I suggested that we should contact again when we reach a point in our lives where we are about to graduate or that we can choose where we are moving to, if we are both free. I heard the most enthusiastic YES ever. But until then we should just stay out of touch. Because if we contacted, we would be holding back ourselves. Or at least, I would.

Then I asked her that if in the future she feels that what we had was really special, not to be afraid of calling me. I'll probably not be available. And I might not probably feel the same way anymore. But there's a chance I would be feeling the same way. But it would just be a pity if that was the case and we both just didn't gave it another try. She agreed to that too. We wished each other happiness in our lives.

I could think she was just trying to soften the blow by saying those things, but I didn't feel she was. I think she meant everything she said. And, honestly, it doesn't matter, I shouldn't be trying to listen too much into it, even the whole future project things. Only God knows where things will be one year from now. The main message from this conversation for me is that it is really over.

@JBecauire

You are right. I think I am following this path out of immaturity. But it feels so weird because if she didn't do anything wrong and I didn't do anything wrong, then why are we apart? I guess the mental work I have to do right now is to stop obsessing about what went wrong, and whose fault it was, reduce the relationship to the good memories and just accept something's in life are just not understandable and not controllable.

I need to start caring about my life again. It's hard though. Because, while there are a few things I feel I am doing for myself, many times I feel I am doing stuff just to get over or to get back at her (nothing vicious, here... I am talking about making myself happy again) but every time I follow this road, whatever I am doing gets sour real fast. Is it a matter of giving time for myself or is there something, some sort of mindest I can switch into that would finally set me free? I know 4 years is too long, and that I was hugely invested in it. It feels like I am watching the burial of a very dear friend, our hopes and dreams. But I would really really like for this to just go away.

First, think about this, something you may not have added to your thoughts yet.

MOST relationships end.

That's it. That's the universal truth. You date many, you love many, but you cleave to one... eventually. A relationship starts and immediately starts the steady progression to its ending. I think it's even fair to say you date someone to discover the reasons you can't be together for 60 years. Once discovered, you move on. The better you get at the moving on part, the less melodramatic that part has to be, the more steady your character becomes.

One day, you're dating someone looking for the reasons you can't be stay together healthily... and you can't find anything. Neither one of you. So you stay together for 60 years.

So, as I said, no one HAS to do anything wrong for a relationship to end. It's just as likely that two people can do EVERYTHING wrong and still stay together if they're characters are THAT compatible, understand?

=========
The main thing is you have to be comfortable in your own skin with or without a girlfriend. You need to be who you are anyway.

The real victory is pursuing individual happiness with your own accomplishments and having someone come along who admires and respects THAT, and chooses you in that light.

This way, you're fine out of the gate, you're not trying to establish "happiness" on the shoulders of someone else. Not every girl could shoulder that kind of pressure.

Your own skin, got to learn to be happy in it no matter who else is or isn't around that day.

@JB:

Hey. First, thanks for answering my posts. Really.

Look, I do understand fully the concept that most relationships end. Honestly. My ex wasn't even the first person I went out with, though she was my first serious girlfriend. And right now I am pretty sure she won't be my last serious girfriend.

And while it may not look like it, I was never desperate to keep her or something like that. Of course, since the relationship ended while I was still loving, I went through the motions, but I don't think those motions were bigger than what they are supposed to be for a situation like this.

Before she telling me that she was having second thoughts, it wasn't like I was overly reliant on her for my happiness... I wasn't the high maintenance kind of boyfriend. The reason why the distance was never bridged is that we had grad school choices that just couldn't put us in the same town and we felt that we shouldn't sacrifice our careers just for that. Of course we had plans of marrying and having kids but after it was over, I wasn't wondering what will my life be after her.

I am just struggling with the idea that she isn't there for me. And that her happiness or sadness shouldn't mean anything anymore for me (I wish her well, but I can't be there for her anymore). I got used to those habits. And like any addiction, going cold turkey is always painful. And I don't think it was wrong for us build that mutual support in our relationship when we felt confident we could do that.

The whole confusion is that every time I try to put in the table what was good about the relation and what was bad, I can only put two things on the "bad" column. (1) Distance sucks. (2) It ended. Of course, I can always pick stupid things or stupid arguments... like her weird musical taste... but I don't really resent any of that and most of it actually felt cute.

[Not that her feelings matter right now but it's not even like she disagrees with me. Actually she blames everything on the distance and only that. She was still calling me "honey" yesterday, even though she understands we are through!]

If I had the choice of having a relation with someone else I would love to do it in the same way, with someone local. But I know I no two people are alike and I'll have a different type of relation. And I know it will be good in its own way, because I know that it is possible for me to be in a relationship that allows me to be myself and grow as person and help someone to do the same, and get the same help in return and all of that filled with love. And I know I shouldn't accept less than that because I had exactly that kind of experience.

And I actually have to thank you for not letting me go down the "hate" road because that seemed like an easy way out but now I see it's wrong because it would just tarnish the good memories and probably would make me a worse person.

I agree there's nothing wrong with a relationship ending. And there are various reasons a relationship can end. One of them is incompatibility and when that's the case, while some drama might occur, it's easy to see that it wouldn't go anywhere and had to end.

But when the problem is external... like distance for us... is not that we can't see us together 60 years down the road... is just that it's hard not being able to see each other on the next weekend and not being able to call the other person for dinner, share common friends, do simple things... You can live like that for a year, maybe two... and we did that for three and half! But I can see her point in not being able to take it any longer... I had issues with that too last year... it got to a point where I just didn't feel any love anymore for her, I was numb, feeling like I wanted a normal life... I managed to cope somehow and started loving her again on a trip together...

My situation wasn't really one of those where I built the foundations of my happiness on her shoulders and now my universe crumbled. I think it's more like a case where I feel like a very good and dear friend died. I wish it didn't happen, but it did. I know I'll make a new friend in the future. But right now I mourning. I am having a difficulties in being happy again, but I guess I shouldn't be trying for that so hard. I think I just need time to get her out of my system, and naturally I will get back to being happy alone again.

(Sorry if I seem stubborn... I am not trying to argue with you... and I think most of what you say is really really great advice, but you know each case is different and... I am mostly writing for myself... It helps to put write these and get the out of my chest... )

I had not talked with my ex since Monday and I've been feeling quite crapy myself. Then yesterday, out of the blue, she contacted me to check on me. She wanted to make sure I was fine. I told her I wasn't but that was only natural and that in time I would be fine.

I also told her that if she wanted to talk to me, to make sure she was doing it with the purest of the intentions and not to make herself better, to remove the remorse or to feel the comfort of me being around, knowing I still have feelings. She told me that was the case. She really liked the friendship and she is only talking to me now because she feels I'm not trying to make us go back again. I said that there was a lot of work to do and that it might not be easy on her either. She agreed and wanted to try to be friend again.

I don't know if she's having second intentions... I have no reason to believe she would do such a thing... and even if she is trying to play games, it would blow on her face because she would play with herself only. So honestly, I don't care... she is a good listener and knows me well so right now, as long as I'm not the one going after her ears, I'm fine.

Of course, during this conversation the "why did you leave me" came up, but I'm not really trying to get her back, I just have this strong desire to understand what happened to her. She told me a lot of stuff (distance made me feel I was living parallel lifes and I was tired of that) which doesn't really matter anymore. While she was talking I felt I didn't really care to the why. It's nothing I can "fix" and even if it was, I don't want to "fix" that anymore. I told her that while I still had feelings, I was just purging her out of my system, that's the only thing I want to do right now. I told her that I don't hate her and that I "forgive" her, but that actually there was nothing to forgive because whatever she did, I know it was with the best of all intentions (this was a conversation topic that on Monday was left on the air, I told her I didn't want to forgive her for causing me all that pain... that was before reading JB's post).

During the conversation I didn't felt like everything was coming back, though there might be some delayed response that would make me write another one of these looong posts... I didn't want to get her back, but I was feeling something was still bothering me.

This morning I had a bad time trying to understand and then it struck me. Since we broke up I was feeling a relief and I thought it had to do with the long distance relationship. But now I see that was lying to myself. The relief was just a relief from being out of a relationship and having time and mindset to do things people committed don't. The thing is, I was actually fine with the distance, because in my mind I knew eventually we would be together and I could see spending the rest my whole life with her, it was worth waiting... I didn't feel I was missing out on opportunities or any of those things...

But then, why do I feel like I don't want to go back? Well, the thing is that there is an implicit contract when you are serious with someone and that you are in a reciprocal relation. It has to do with making some effort to not let the other person go, or at least to work with that other person during the dettachment process, to really give a chance for the other part to have a less traumatic experience...

And while she did at some point come to talk to me, she did so only way after she started struggling with it. And when she came to me, the feeling in her was lost so it was less like a warm person trying to explain something in a caring way and more like a court officer serving a warrant to appear on court, cold. I don't blame her for any of this, we're both young and it's the first break up for both of us.

But still, the trust for me is gone. Not the whole trust. I could still give her a credit card on my name and know she wouldn't screw me up. But I wouldn't be able to trust my heart to her again. Which means that if she wanted to come back, that's something we would have to work on: it's not only about her loving me; it's also about me trusting her again. Which feels really really hard right now.

After I managed to actually be honest with myself about this, I felt so much lighter. Again, just rambling. And giving an update if there's anyone following this story.

TIME, that's all you need! Time and plenty of it.

True, tal...

It's just that the whole thing feels like a roller coaster... Yesterday and today morning I was fine... really fine... But suddenly, out of the blue, I felt really bad again. It's like suddenly I start to remember about everything that happened and it's like I want to suffer...

That's when you get on the Wii, polish your shoes, (do they still do that?) rearrange your albums, or something to change your focus.

I just want to say that I really enjoy reading your posts ITL. I am in a similar situation... although mine is just a two year relationship with the last 8 months being as a LDR before we broke.

It really is the hardest thing breaking up when there is no real reason for the break up, other than the distance. Sure, there are other factors which may have contributed, but it is the distance which lead to the "friendization" and ultimately a loss of attraction.

I am really struggling with it... especially the rollercoaster ride of it all. Just when I thought I was making progress with moving on, then she pops back up and starts putting ideas in my head, and most of all her making sure that she is still in my head.

I find the whole friend thing the most difficult to comprehend... I will only really be capable of considering her just a friend when I would be comfortable seeing her with a new guy... kissing, holding hands, going home together etc. Until I am comfortable with that situation, I know that I will never be able to just consider her a friend.

But yeah, I mainly just wanted to say that I am following your story with interest all the way from New Zealand, and I wish you the best of luck.

Yeah... I feel your pain... I am also following your story...

I think you are having a worse time than me. Because at least my ex isn't feeding me with false hopes. She is trying to get me to be her friend again, but things are weird and she isn't really pushing it... I feel like she is trying to get to know me again and see if she can try to love me again or something but I know that just won't happen because I don't feel like being all nice and caring as I was when we were together so I don't think this is going anywhere apart from a friendship with time. I don't even feel that NC would do me any good... when I tried NC I started daydreaming about the day we would be together and all... but now that we are talking, reality bites me and I am remembered that the real person I used to have plans with doesn't love me anymore. Which helps me moving on.

I am taking vacations on the end of this week. Going home. Man, that will do so good for me.

I wasn't even going to write anything today but I felt like maybe someone might be interested... I mean, I love reading other people stories' but it seems they never come back once they are feeling better and we are left without knowing things got better!

Today was an interesting day because, for the biggest part of it, I didn't think of this whole thing. Which is actually amazing if I compare to the past few days. It was the whole "I just want it to go away" I was looking for. Maybe tomorrow won't be as good, but I am happy to see there is some progress going on.

And on the only short time during the day any tought crossed my mind - I was purchasing glasses and I remember she liked picking up frames for me - it wasn't bad. It was actually a sweet memory. I remembered what were her tastes and how she hated my old pair of glasses that were a bit too geeky. Then I forgot about it and chose glasses that made me look nice. It didn't feel bad at all. I only had that fuzzy warm feeling of having been loved once by a wonderful person and the hapiness that now I was having fun picking glasses by myself. I was proud.

However, at night I felt like I wanted to talk with her... about the progress made. Which seems really absurd, right? I liked how we felt proud of each other achievements and that was one achievement, albeit a weird one...

It wasn't that obsessive urge from the past few weeks, though. It was just a thought that crossed my mind while I was waiting the rice to cook. And I called my parents instead to check up on them.

I didn't talk with her today, not even on IM, like in the past few days... She hasn't showed up on IM, or maybe she did and I wasn't paying attention, 'cause I'm not checking up all the time anymore, just open it when I need to talk to some other friend... Plus, even when she's online I don't start a conversation... I'm not ready for that yet...

I hope I am in the right track here. I really hope my heart isn't playing tricks with my mind and building silly hopes on the background based on these sweet memories, hehe. But I honestly don't think that's happening. It really feel more and more like looking at childhood pictures, you think about how happy you were as a kid, without the burdens and difficulties of adulthood but you never really hope you'll be a kid again.

but you never really hope you'll be a kid again.
Speak for yourself!!


On a serious note, glad to see its coming together for you.

Just keep moving forward. I can't tell you how many times I would get cocky, and think I am getting over it, and I am cool to try and be friends with my ex... WRONG! I would talk to her and come tumbling down again. Carry on! You are doing great.

Hey guys... It seems that the rollercoaster is really gone...

We returned to our hometown and I had to return her t-shirt... Since I am "afraid" of looking at her face again, too soon, I decided to leave it with her grandma last week, with a christmas card, basically telling her I don't regret a thing. Got a polite e-mail response, with the similar emotional dettachment she has been showing in the previous weeks.

Ironically I got her e-mail when I got home from a very fun night out with some high school friends... It's funny that I haven't had this pure irresponsible fun in such a looong time.

And reading that e-mail actually made me contrast these two lifes... It seems that now that it's over I am realizing I was too young to be tied in a relationship, specially a long distance one. No regrets at all. But it feels good to be free. 24, grad student... I'm just too young for all that. Not that I regret what happened... but I kind of see that it was all for better.

Not to say all is well. Christmas night was awful. And I am sure New Year will be even worse. But it's a part of life, right? At least I can say with all honesty that, for me, this chapter of my life is over.

Among the things I did back home was to look at old mix tapes. I found an old Cranberries cassete and while listening to it, I just re-discovered "Daffodil Lament":

"... I have decided to leave you forever,
I have decided to start things from here,
Thunder and lightning won't change how I'm feeling...
... and the daffodils look lovely today..."

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I am focusing on work. I am engaging in new activities and meeting new people. I am trying new things. I am going out and doing things single people do.

And sometimes (once every 10 days or so... ) I even talk with my ex, the whole "being friends thing" which seems to be working well for me... I even feel bad for her because she doesn't seem to be going out that much... I mean, she broke up so why am I the one having the fun? I wish she enjoyed her single-ness too...

So basically I feel like the whole situation turned out to be good. I had an amazing relationship with a wonderful person, and now that is over I am having fun being single again and I got to keep that wonderful person as a good friend and I don't regret anything in my life.

Then, why the hell there are sometimes I still feel bad about the whole thing?

Like all storms this will pass.

More venting...

Oh man. Never in my life I felt so lacking control over myself like in the past few days.

Now I am actively trying to move on and trying to forget and not thinking about anything. But it's like my brain is possessed by a very evil spirit that keeps telling me that I didn't fight enough, that I should call, that this whole situation is just wrong.

Oh, how I wish my ex had told she found out I'm not the right person for her or given the "it's not you, it's me" line... I think it would be so much easier to move on. But having to move on with a "it's just the distance and we might try again in the future if the distance is gone" sucks.

It's ironic but being dumped by someone that still wants you is awful. It's good in one sense because I never lost that feeling of having someone that cares about you, and my self-esteem didn't suffer any significant hit... however there is just no hope of having a honest understanding of what the hell happened... It feels like I'm sweeping these issues under the rug and moving on with my life.

It's a cliché... but I feel your pain. She is the one that threw away your relationship... there is no point beating yourself up about it. No matter how hard you fought, it was her decision. There is no amount of fighting that you could have done which would have made her think other wise.

I'm struggling to realise it myself... but her decision was a blessing. I am lucky that this happened only two years into our relationship... and not 5 years or 10 years or 20 years... because it surely would have happened eventually. As it says in one of the stickys... we are going through this for a reason... this is all prologue for something great which is going to happen in the future.

At the beginning for me it also felt better being an "amicable breakup" due to long distance... but in some ways I would rather it had just ended because she had cheated on me, or she just told me up front that it was over... its so much harder to move on when there seems to be no real underlying reason for the breakup.

I remember one week into our break up she sent me a text saying "Even though we are broken up I still love you just as much as I ever have". But then it all changed so suddenly for her... whereas I never really lost that feeling. It still astonishes me that she can go from that to complete indifference in no time at all.

You are doing really well ITL and you are an inspiration to me as I battle through this. Keep up the good work! We will both get there :-)

I didn't really fight for the relationship... and I think I was the only one among her friends/family to say "if you don't have the energy to make this work anymore, then you should break up with" rather than the "he's such a wonderful boyfriend, and you might end up lonely in the future" she had to endure. Yeah, she had a rough time, specially with her mom... Maybe I was already aware that there was no point in fighting for someone that lost that feeling and is tired. Or maybe it was my way of showing how frustrated I was about the way she was behaving in the final month...

In the end, what matters is that this was her decision and I just have to live with that. But there's nothing that tells me this was a good decision. It's just that there's nothing I can do about it, you know? Feels like having your candidate losing an election. I think the bad candidate won and while I disagree with him I'll just have to live with the elected government. And enjoy the freedom of being in the opposition.

Something funny happened. Now that we aren't together, this "being friends" thing is sort of weird. Because when we talk, I feel bored... but for some weird reason, I also feel a bit happy when I'm talking to her, even though I don't feel bad afterwards.

So Sunday night I started wondering why was that and I think that's because I am over the relationship but I still consider her to be a possibility in the future (yeah, it's weird, sounds like the zen on the "getting my ex back"). Feels like I am in an open relationship... but since she's surely not looking at this in that way, I don't think that's too healthy for me because I could easily get hurt.

But since I feel she is sort of relying on me for destressing (she always talks to me before a hard exam) I asked her if she would be OK if we didn't talk. That's how the dialog went:

"I feel I should do this 'cause I don't know what we are doing right now".
"Why? You talk with me. I talk with you. You said you weren't confused about us anymore".
"I am not confused about us breaking up. But I don't know if I talk to you as a friend or if I'm trying to win you back. Which is ridiculous because we must not go back. So that's a bit confusing."
"Oh... Look I have to go now, can we finish this at night?"
"If you want to say something, call me tonight. But I already told what I had to."

She didn't call at night, which I assume it means she's accepting this decision. Than after that I just sent a very short mail saying that if she really needed to talk to me, she could call, but to avoid that.

So now it's day one of full NC.

I'm feeling like crap today.

Hang in there buddy... I know how much it sucks... but it will get better. No good can come out of keeping in contact with her. Not for the mean while anyway.

Keep venting on here if you need to.

Yeah. Tsc. I agree. Though I didn't feel bad while talking to her since after the new year, I must know I can live without her before I can have her again as a friend. For my own sake.

I'm from abroad and I moved to the US for grad school and since I was already with her when I moved (didn't move because of her alone, though I didn't mind living closer to her!) I didn't make an effort to make really good friends around here... I mean, even in my home country, I was a loner before starting dating her, and I should say she's the only real friend I ever had... Funny, eh? I never had a local real friend!

So now not only I am having to get over her as my girlfriend, I am having to get over her as a friend and making connections here in this country. Yeah, sucks to be me! But, hey, work is great!

Well this makes it an even better reason to put yourself out there and meet some new people and some maybe even a new girly... you will be fine.

Yeah... right now I don't really feel like meeting women for relationships, you know? I like going to bars, flirting and doing the whole "courtship dance" because it boosts my ego, but I don't feel fine... and for some odd reason I'm finding hooking up so shallow... I wish I could have that undergrad "ah, just do it" attitude back hehe.

So right now I am doing my best to get my f**ing PhD as soon as I can and get the hell out of Ann Arbor, move to a big city again! And just relax until this is over.

That doesn't sound like fun, but flirting does, but that's just me.

What doesn't sound like fun? Doing the PhD? It sort of is... now that I am able to use my brain for thoughts different than "boohoo, I'm alone again", it is sort of fun...

Yeah I know what you mean... I definitely don't feel like meeting girls for a relationship either. But I am starting to enjoy my newfound singledom... and enjoying the shallowness of the meaningless hook up. Today I even caught myself going for a quite a few minutes without my ex popping into my head. Still a long ways to go though...

I think you guys are going to throw rocks at me after this but...

When I woke up today there was this IM message from my ex... she was talking something about a ski trip she went to yesterday with some friends... Since I asked her to talk to me only if she actually needed to and I had to walk to my lab today anyway, I decided to call. It was the first time we had a voice conversation since mid-December... I think this bothered her... I could tell her by her voice and the fact she still doesn't call me by name... now she just doesn't call me anything, just gives a pause... yeah, it's a bit awkward.

Anyway, the conversation was totally trivial, just catching up with my life and telling me what's going on with hers. So it didn't fit in the "if you really need to talk to me" category. So I basically don't know is wrong with her. Maybe I wasn't clear enough when I asked for space... but I'm not going to ask that again so I guess I'll be getting more of these IMs until she finds a new boyfriend or gets over me or whatever. Maybe she already did because we don't talk about that stuff with each other. But srsly! I didn't know I was that good of a friend for her to want to talk to me about trivial stuff even with our whole history surrounding every conversation.

So here's the thing. I would be lying to myself if I said I wouldn't go back to her if she wanted. I wouldn't jump, but I know I wouldn't resist giving a it a second try.

However, I am not doing anything to get her back, and I am not exactly holding my breath. Really. I am letting her live her life alone. Since the last phone call, in December, there was only once I started a conversation with her and that was last weeks' "please don't talk to me" one. And I am making myself busy, either with my equations, my guitar, the swimming pool, bars and clubs. And talking to her doesn't affect me any longer... it just makes me remember she exists and that silly "maybe one day" pops up in my mind, but now I just laugh at this thought every time it occurs.

So I was wondering... is keeping this situation really bad for me? I feel bad sometimes, like Thursday, but I think it has more to do with a bad day at work and when you start thinking god hates you, it's sooo easy to remember that your single again, haha. I am also concerned about her, though it shouldn't really be my problem... isn't it bad for her to keep talking to me? Should I cut her out for her own sake? She's a good person and I don't want to learn down the road that by letting her talk to me, I held her... well, it's her problem, right?

Geez. I might be the only dumpee here in this forum to say this but... How I wish she found a rebound or a new boyfriend!

Geez. I might be the only dumpee here in this forum to say this but... How I wish she found a rebound or a new boyfriend!

No you don't. Believe me... you don't.

It sounds like you are doing well though man, I am proud of you!! Keep it up.

Carry on... :cool:

You are not having no contact because this person can still get into your life via ims etc.

My advise stop the calls etc because this only opens wounds and delays the moving on - block ims - block phone calls - emails etc -

Next time you need to talk and feel like your going to call the Ex - call a friend or family and catch up with them instead -


Geez. I might be the only dumpee here in this forum to say this but... How I wish she found a rebound or a new boyfriend!

Please do not go out and do this until you know that you are 100% healed and ready for a relationship, because this action above will only make you tears in the end and screw you up.

You are not having no contact because this person can still get into your life via ims etc.

I know this! I am just asking if I really need to go no contact... I don't feel it makes a big difference anymore... as long as we are not talking about what happened or about our love lifes and we don't.



My advise stop the calls etc because this only opens wounds and delays the moving on - block ims - block phone calls - emails etc -

Next time you need to talk and feel like your going to call the Ex - call a friend or family and catch up with them instead -


I'm afraid you didn't read the post. I don't feel like talking to her. It seems she feels talking to me, or there's something really weird going on with her. Either way, it's not my problem.



Please do not go out and do this until you know that you are 100% healed and ready for a relationship, because this action above will only make you tears in the end and screw you up.


This didn't make much sense for me. How is that she should wait until I'm healed before she moved on? Plus, I have no control on this, it's her life... Can you clarify?

Geez. I might be the only dumpee here in this forum to say this but... How I wish she found a rebound or a new boyfriend!

Sorry I miss read this part of your post -

ITL: I wouldn't gamble with your heart. I know you feel as though you can handle talking to her or bumping into her, and that is all fine. I, however, have said that many of times, and have even gotten cocky enough to initiate contact with her, as I thought I was over it... well, that was the wrong choice.

I advocate you continue doing your best to avoid contact with her, and if you so happen to run into her, handle it like you have, as you are doing well.

Carry on... :cool:

:-). I agree with you tiger. I'll keep not initiating contact, mainly because I know I still like her. As I said, I just accepted it's not going to happen. But I think I won't hang up on her or ignore her IMs when she calls me.

Since we live a 1000 miles from each other, the only "bumps" are on the internets, haha.

Ok. So she started upping the ante and was talking more to me on IM. Then she changes her picture on Facebook profile to one from old times. A picture I've taken of her in a very good NYC trip. I was like " is wrong with her?". So I just called her yesterday because I'm in no mood to play silly games:

Me: "Hey. Do you have time"
"Yeah..."
"Are you seeing anyone?"
"No".
"Why did you do that to your facebook?"
"The pics from the ski trip? Look, I'm not with that guy" [I have no clue what she's talking about here. And don't want to know either].
"What ski trip? I don't care if you are with some guy. I wish you were with someone else. I'm talking about your profile pic. You changed to a pic I've taken. A picture that meant something. At least to me.".
"What? But you've taken all my pictures from the past 4 years... I can't avoid."
"You don't get it, do you? The way we broke up, with that open ending, you wanting to keep talking and then you do this. Look, I don't want to restrict you in what you do, so we just need to stop talking, ok?"
"But that's what I wanted from the beginning!"
"What? If you wanted that, then why the hell you keep bugging me?"
"..."
"Look. It's over, right? I mean, we are done for good, right?"
"..."
"Ok, It is over forever. Forget that future crap. We're done. For good.
"Ok. Anything else?"
"Yeah. Do you know why you broke up with me?"
"I think the chemistry was gone."
"Chemistry? Chemistry? Ok. I need to sleep. Good night".

Dude. I obviously overestimated her intelligence. Chemistry? I can't believe after 4 months she didn't even think about what happened. And was still talking to me. Idiot. At least now I am happy we are over. And I am very much happy not having her bugging me anymore. Man.

Now the mess is over. If she ever contacts me again, I'm ignoring. If she insists, I'm blocking her. But I think this time she understood.

*Cough*

Get rid of FACEBOOK!! It is a waste of mind power!

Good good, you can finally start no contact

*Cough*

Get rid of FACEBOOK!!! It is a waste of mind power!

Haha. A good amount of my social life depends on that website...

The problem wasn't whatever she was doing in her Facebook... I don't go to her profile, even when someone tags pictures of her or whatever... I don't even look anymor. It was that she was talking to me more and more AND then changed her profile picture. And then acted like it was no big deal. It's either she's clueless or she's a psycho. Either way, I'm done.

Haha. A good amount of my social life depends on that website...

The problem wasn't whatever she was doing in her facebook... I don't go to her profile, even when someone tags pictures of her or whatever... I don't even look anymor. It was that she was talking to me more and more AND then changed her profile picture. And then acted like it was no big deal. It's either she's clueless or she's a psycho. Either way, I'm done.

REMOVE her from Facebook and any mutual friends that will be likely to post pics or tag her and you might get to see--even If by accident. This is to maintain your sanity.

Now stick to NC, permanently.

Hey Im Totally Lost,

I totally agree with deleting the ex and mutual friends, family etc on Facebook. I know it sounds a bit harsh, but it does a lot of good.

A while back I did the same - I deleted mutual friends etc and for some members I even blocked them. Although it left a huge hole (deleted 15 of his mutual friends, 5 members of his family, 20 of my friends deleted him straight up= one week later= 2 mutual friends left ( both these two friends are v loyal to us both and will not cross that line and so I have kept these friends ))... now when go on facebook- I feel like it is for me- the friends I have are the ones most important to me, and no one can get back to the ex. Any photos of me tagged etc remains within that circle and so I feel like this is a true Facebook NC.

I feel so much better now that I have literally dissappeared /vanished from the ex's world. Now I can live freely. Most importantly I don't need to see anything of the ex, hear anything of the ex's family or friends or what is happening in his world- even by accident. Why would let my mind waste time on such things.

I also feel that when you take such actions- it tells the ex and his friends etc- a very clear message- to leave you alone. PERIOD... and that is what they should do and respect your wishes This is something very important as this action in the long run will help you move forward when your ready in the least complicated way possible.

Oh well. I agree I should delete, but believe me: I don't care. I might do it. But I think it would more harm than good. If I delete it'll be like poking her. Since I don't get updates from her (apart from changing profile picture :-P), we don't have common friends on Facebook and last time I looked at her profile, it was still 2008.

Same thing with GoogleTalk. Last time I started a conversation, apart from the couple of "leave me alone" dialogues was on new year, just to say happy new year. I prefer to leave her in the list than blocking her and triggering a phone call from her.

I think she got the message yesterday, it doesn't bother me to let her there and deleting/blocking will be a sure way of triggering contact from her. I'll give a shot at being civil. If she can't hold herself, than I'll move to blocking her, and deleting from my Facebook.

I am happy now that it's over. I was having trouble removing her from the pedestal, and we didn't do anything wrong so I was trying to live with that. Well, yesterday she faceplanted so bad I couldn't even believe I dated this girl... The most ridiculous dialogue I ever had. I was talking about how she was going to lose me as a friend and she was trying to convice me(!) that she wasn't going out with that guy, as if I cared.

Whatever. I spent too long thinking about a person that can't spend a second thinking why she ended a 4 year-long long distance relationship. And no offense to you all, but I am also taking a time from this website. Thanks for all your help, but right now I think I'm better off if I just live my life, without having to think about her. I might post updates about my situation though.

Hey Im Totally Lost,

Looks like you realise well that NC is the way forward. I am sure with time, space and some relaxation with yourself-- you will bounce back to your normal self and be a lot more happier with you and your life. I think it is really good that you can see her true colours- that my friend will help you a lot, especial when you hit that low now and then.

Do keep posted- and go get that PHD- trust me once you get that and get a paper or two published - you will feel wicked!

Good luck!

Man. Could Valentine's date be more annoying?

Haha yeah I know... makes me feel quite ill thinking about it. I just want to pop all those heart shaped balloons. At least it's a Saturday night so can go out and get drunk and there should be plenty of hot single girls keen for some V Day action.

Dude. My stupidity has no limits...

So I started feeling bad because I wasn't really nice the last time we spoke. I wasn't caring too much about that but the Valentine's Day ads kept bringing her to my mind and I was hating myself for being rude.

So yesterday (after fighting a week against this urge), I sent her an e-mail apologizing for being rude. And to keep without contacting me. I know this is a huge mistake. But I couldn't help. I wrote like 10 e-mails this week and deleted without sending. I was tired of avoiding sending that e-mail. So I just sent the last version. Two weeks of NC. And now this. Damn.

I just hope she ignores it. It's unfair asking that from her, but I really wish she just deletes it. Not because the e-mail wasn't nice, but I don't want contact... it actually was too nice... Yeah, I am a dumbass. I asked her not to reply and just leave it at that on a follow-up message. Why did I have to care about that? It was all right of me being rude, after all she was messing with me. I basically apologized because she messed up with my head. How stupid can I be? Sucks to be a nice guy! Well, it's done.

At least I have a date for tomorrow! Simple fun.

Firstly, nice work on the date! I hope it goes well dor you.

That email probably was a bad idea, but oh well, its done. She may reply, she may not. It doesn't really matter either way really does it.

Next time you get that urge to send her an email, just post it on here... it sounds silly, but it worked for me. It got it out of my system.

Haha. I guess. But then you guys would have to understand portuguese ;-).

More stupidity. So come Valentine's, I go out with this girl for ice skating and it was fun. First time for both of us. Really cool. The plan was to go to a club with her and other friends. But I felt a cold coming in the horizon so I basically had to stay home Saturday night.

That was really awful. I started feeling really lonely. Really sad. It hit me worse than ever before. It was just awful. Sunday I felt crappy too. I started hating her, not for breaking up with me but for not telling me why (unless she really believes in that chemistry crap). So there I go, in my Valentine's fueled stupidity and send her an e-mail Sunday telling her that I don't buy that chemistry crap, I don't think she buys that either and asking her to think really about it and letting me know why.

Of course I didn't get any response yet. I don't think I will. I guess this time I did it, haha. I pushed her away so bad that she's never coming back again!

Back to NC since Monday. But I swear, if it wasn't for all the jewelry ads on TV this wouldn't have happened... I was saving to buy a nice ring for her in the past Christmas... She always loved rings, but I never felt like buying the cheap ones. So I can't really look to a store without thinking about what would have been. But the next sensitive date is Jun 12th (valentine's day in my country). Until then I think I'll be in cruise control.

That's a bit of a blow out dude. Try to keep those fingers in check when those urges arise. Just learn from it I guess.

I know how it feels though... at the time it makes so much sense to just send that email, or ask those questions. I've done some things that I look back at now and cringe...

But you live and learn, next time you find yourself typing up an email, just save it as a draft or something and wait a day before thinking about sending it. I'm sure you will reconsider and be grateful you didn't.

Will be interesting to hear what she has to say if she does respond though...

That's a bit of a blow out dude. Try to keep those fingers in check when those urges arise. Just learn from it I guess.

I know how it feels though... at the time it makes so much sense to just send that email, or ask those questions. I've done some things that I look back at now and cringe...


I agree a lot. But I don't regret that much sending this because it seems to me that right now I was in "waiting mode". Now I am in the "goodbye, farewell" mode. I don't care if whatever I do now buries my chances. I actually would like to see my chances buried, since she won't help me with that.

It sucks though, because it sets me back a little. But hey. It was really crappy, to stay at home watching SNL on Valentine's, under a blanket! I was already down before I sent it, and it didn't get worse after sending. Whatever.



But you live and learn, next time you find yourself typing up an email, just save it as a draft or something and wait a day before thinking about sending it. I'm sure you will reconsider and be grateful you didn't.


Yeah. Problem is... that's pretty much what I do! I always write an e-mail, save it, delete it, write it again, delete it, write again, delete it. Usually the will to send wears off in the second version or third version. I realize it's pointless. These last week ones, though, those were like the 10th version of it. I mean, I was crappy Saturday night and send the e-mail Sunday night. And yes, I didn't do nothing on Sunday except obssess with her. Yeah, it's unhealthy. But I couldn't help.



Will be interesting to hear what she has to say if she does respond though...

No, it won't. If she replies with what I think is the truth (she wanted to end the LDR sooner than what was possible), it will get really messy. If she insists on any of that chemistry or the "I've changed" which I know is bs, then I will get pissed. And if she tells it's something on the "grass is greener" or the "I've met this guy", I'll be hurt again.

So it's just better if she acknowledges my previous request and just ignore me.

No, it won't. If she replies with what I think is the truth (she wanted to end the LDR sooner than what was possible), it will get really messy. If she insists on any of that chemistry or the "I've changed" which I know is bs, then I will get pissed. And if she tells it's something on the "grass is greener" or the "I've met this guy", I'll be hurt again.

So it's just better if she acknowledges my previous request and just ignore me.

Good point... hopefully she does just ignore it!

The longer I keep at this NC thing, the easier it seems to get. Its become normal now for me not to call her, not to text her, not to email her, not to chat to her, not to look at her Facebook. Yeah, I still think about her lots, and she still enters into my dreams occasionally, but each day it does get a little easier.

I'm actually going home in a weeks time for a few days. She hangs out with a lot of my friends, so I'm hoping I don't run in to her. If I do, I don't know how I will react, but I will just do my best to say hello and then move on to talking to the next person.

I'm actually going home in a weeks time for a few days. She hangs out with a lot of my friends, so I'm hoping I don't run in to her. If I do, I don't know how I will react, but I will just do my best to say hello and then move on to talking to the next person.

I really hope that you don't meet. Really. I'd suggest avoid doing stuff if that's not going too much out of your way (try to hang out more with friends that aren't common if you can). I am in this mess and I haven't seen her on Christmas. I can't imagine my state if I did.

I think she will know to keep away, assuming she knows that I'm coming up. Its possible I'll run into her at a bar in town or something, but unlikely.

She basically be came friends with ALL of my friends. And she still is friends with them all... which I guess I'm okay with because I don't live there anymore. This was an agreed break-up, so its not like I can just expect her to stop being friends with them. Although it would be super weird if she gets a new boyfriend and starts hanging out with my friends with him. But yeah, whatever, its not my business anymore.

Haha. I underestimated her capacity to do damage. I just thought that she would mess me up with a reply.

It was worse. She showed up on IM to let me know she is not ignoring the e-mail, it's just that she didn't have time to answer yet. But she wants to. I guess she doesn't even respect my intelligence anymore. At least I managed to cut the conversation short, just gave a glimpse of my life because she was trying to pull the "i've been too busy" from the bag of clichés. And told her I'd rather she didn't talk to me for a while. I think it was actually the first time I felt I acted just write. Polite yet firm. Keeping myself respect without being hateful. But it still sucks.

Following advice, I'll write the e-mail I want to send her right now here.

Hey,

Look, I don't want to know what you are doing with your life. Really. I wish you all the best. But I still need a favor from you. I've asked that before already. I need to know why. What for? I don't know. Maybe it's for final closure. Maybe it's so that I can know what to do with your picture in my head - if I box it along with my good old friends I don't speak any longer or if I should just burn it. But I want to know. And after all I've done for you, this is the least you could do for me. Try to figure out why, as a sign that you care, as you so many times told me in these past few months.

You're lack of capacity to explain me why surprises me - you were never like this. And I was thinking about that and I could reduce the reasons down to 5 possible hypothesis.

1) You were actually honest when you gave that bs motives. Maybe you are more silly than I thought and decided there isn't chemistry anymore, after 4 years. And that Thanksgiving was a very good acting job. Or that you changed, despite the fact that the only thing that change is the way you treat me. I don't think this is the case though. You were more mature than this.

2) You did something and are afraid it's going to hurt me. Like you cheated on me. Or there was someone else that you are going out with, right now. If that's the case, trust me, telling me will make my life easier. And I think it'll reduce the guilt I know you must be feeling right now, if this is the case. Because I know you are fundamentally a good person.

3) You found something about me that makes us incompatible, but doesn't want to tell me because you're afraid I'm going to argue. Or maybe it was just the distance and you're afraid of accepting that it's just the distance because it doesn't seem like a good enough reason. Again, just tell me. I won't move to there so soon just because of this. And I won't change my ways so that you'll like again. I would have done that in October if you told me. But right now I'm just curious.

4) You're having the GIGS. And you don't want to admit it because if you do, you know I'll never take you back when you find out that it's just the perspective. Well, hate to burst your bubble but I'm not taking you back so easily. I may be able to forgive GIGS. But I'll never forgive lack of honesty.

5) You still don't know why. If that's the case, it sucks to be me. Come on, it's been almost 3 months. It's either you sort of know but are afraid that it's a silly reason or you didn't stop to think about it, which is quite sad. If this is the case, then know that you should find this out before I really move on. You don't want to see me on Facebook with this girl before sorting this out - it will be really painful for you. And it'll happen sooner than what you think.

Anyway, if you don't want to find out, or don't want to tell, it's fine. I mean, right now it's becoming more like an academic curiosity. After all, it's your life that you are potentially ruining without knowing why. I was a very good boyfriend and I am an awesome guy. And you know it. We are both great people, so it's not like I lost you or you lost me. The only ones at advantage right now are our future relationships. Yes. That's how awesome we are. And I know you agree with me.

I know why I am giving up on you. But do you know why you gave up on me? I think it'll be good for you to find out.

Wow! I am sure you feel better after letting that out. Nice work... and good job on not actually sending it to her. It sounds like you've asked her all this before... she obviously doesn't want to, or can't answer the questions. So you are right, she has stuffed up and is missing out. Screw her... she doesn't even know for herself why she did it. Invest your "academic curiosity" into better things.

Well I had my phonecall with my ex... and wow, it was pretty interesting. I'll write more about it tomorrow. The power of NC is pretty strong though...

Just one question... is GIGS the "Grass Is Greener Syndrome"?

Yeah. GIGS is grass is greener. I would probably have written it in more words if I was going to send her. Screw that though. I gave up waiting for the closure. I thought she would give it to me. But she won't . So screw that.

But now I'm curious about your story!

I haven't yet received any e-mail. And I haven't really been waiting for an answer anymore. Right now, actually I don't even want to have her contacting me again to talk about the past. I mean. I don't care anymore, and as I said before, there's nothing good that come from an e-mail.

But instead of sending her an e-mail telling her not to answer anymore, I just added an e-mail filter that sends any e-mail from her to the trash. Am I wrong in doing this?

No, you are not wrong. If speaking with her brings pain... why put yourself through that? She knows the situation and how you feel. There is no need to drawl things out and continue to go through more mental anguish if you don't have to.

But instead of sending her an e-mail telling her not to answer anymore, I just added an e-mail filter that sends any e-mail from her to the trash. Am I wrong in doing this?
That is a very excellent move.

Such a random event but this night I dreamed of her. I don't know why this things happen. I mean... Really? How much longer do I have to endure missing her? Now that I can manage to not think about her in my waking hours, does my stupid heart really have to invade my dreams?

Three days ago I had a wonderful NC-17 dream with someone else. It took me 1 month for me to actually consider the idea of having sex with someone else in my life without feeling like a lame cheater. I am finally being able to go out on dates, hit on women and those normal single men things. And then, when I think I am finally back in control of my feelings, she shows up in my dreams.

This sucks. I wish it was one of the dreams we forget of before waking up. But no. The first thing I do in the morning is to check my mailbox. No e-mail. Of course, because I redirected her e-mail to trash. Checked on trash. Nothing, because I set my e-mail to empty the trash automatically, to avoid these moments. And since I've deleted her from all my IM accounts, I can't really see if she's online. And I won't go to her Facebook page, because I might not like what I see, so screw that.

I wonder if she misses me. Not as lover or as a boyfriend. I wonder if she misses me as a friend. I wonder if she misses talking with me in the wee hours when we were both late night studying like it used to be before we even got together. I wonder if she's feeling the consequences of dumping me: losing her best friend. I wonder if I'm invading her dreams.

But I shouldn't wonder about these things. It's pointless. I just want to forget.

I know exactly where your at and how you feel. I am going through eh Same stage you are now. It sucks. Your brain is still purging her memory. It will take a long time for that to finally complete, but it WILL eventually.

I've been having very vivid dreams of my ex and me doing things and still saying I love you and all of that crap. I wonder how she feels sometimes too, but you must keep going and be strong and know that this will end one day and you will be better from it.

You know what was the worst part of dreaming with my ex? Is that during the dream I was actually happy.

And you know what? All the times I were with her were happy times. It was good man. It was really good. And I can't pretend otherwise. I can't pretend that we had an abusive relationship or something like that because it just was almost perfect. The only problem is that I underestimated the effect of 1,000 miles over 4 years.

Basically I need to stick to that original analogy, of the death of a dear person. I will miss her, because there is no single reason why I shouldn't. I just have to understand that it's not happening anymore and that my life goes on. A very beautiful and awesome life.

And for all of those who wonder if they should stick to NC or not... it does wonders. It reduces all the drama and allows the dust to settle.

I wish I knew that earlier. I was reading the first posts in my thread and... oh man... so much drama... and all that to get to the same place I would have if I just gave up on understanding since the very beginning... Next time someone asks me for a break to think about the relationship, I'm done.

The dreams definitely suck dude, I know what you mean. You've done well to block her emails and have them automatically deleted. If she has something worthwhile to tell you, you will get the message one way or another.

You are right though... just let the dust settle and the drama subside and carry on with NC.

I'm in a bit of a predicament from breaking NC last week (although I don't regret doing it)... but I think I'm just going to go back into NC to get rid of all that unnecessary drama.

I'm feeling so sad today. I just... I don't know.

So, what all did you do this this week for the sole benefit of others? What activities are you involved in on a daily/weekly basis that cost you time/energy/resources that the only reward you get is the work itself? It's totally for the charity?

I promise that if all your life energies are spent solely on your own pursuits, when you have nothing to do you will dwell on that self-based focus and find depression is VERY easy to allow in.

When you have problems/issues/tasks/considerations that you need to accomplish for others and you get no reward from it other than DOING the work, it's an unbelievably effective way of pushing the depression demon away.

For instance, I spend time on these forums offering assistance on Software, Spreadsheets and some Relationship aid. A "wonderful" way to put idle time to use for others' benefit.

Think about.

Well, I do spend some time in forums trying to help other people... It's not like I have a lot of spare time but I do try to keep myself doing something.

I've been mostly fine... from this thread, the last time I've had this "it sucks" feelings was last week... But today I was filled with this emptyness. Maybe it's just a bad day. It probably isn't a consequence of the break-up, though every time I feel bad, it's easy to just blame the break-up. Maybe I got so used to talking with ex about bad days that I miss her now.

Yeah. I kind of know what I should do. I just want to never have this feeling again. I'm tired of missing her.

Bad days will come and go. You need to get together with either family or friends. They will show you that your life really isn't empty. The empty feeling is only there, because you let it be. These are the times where friends and family really help. They will get your mind off missing her. Go out and have some fun. Do something today other than sitting around thinking.

They come but more importantly they go too. Keep up the good work

I really do feel your pain. Its been 6 weeks so far NC with my situation and today I woke up crying remembering my dream with him. I have to say though... NC does work by making you realize that you no longer are connected with this person. You have the freedom to do whatever you please. I've been good, sometimes not, but it gets better as the weeks go by. Trust me.

Hang in there And whenever you're feeling down come here. This site really does help a whole lot. :)

Much better today! At least this time I didn't send any stupid e-mail, hehe. I did go to her Facebook page to check it though... last time I went there was in December... there's nothing bad there, so it didn't set me back. But it was a mistake to go. I could have seen something I wouldn't want to see. Plus, it's not my life anymore.

Yeah, you are right... Usually I try to do something to get her out of my mind but yesterday I really didn't have much choice since I was stuck in the lab alone... and I wasn't really feeling great about my work (one of those days). But today I'm back. Hopefully this time the joy lasts 2 weeks.

How many times must I say (and Rome too) to get rid of FACEBOOK!! Delete her from your friends list... nothing bad was on there this time, but what happens next time when you see her making out with another guy? Is Facebook really worth all that?

It won't kill you to get rid of that website, or at least to delete her from your friends list.

Had to spread the rep again KC, but leaving the exes Facebook, and myspace alone, is an absolute must to healing. That's as bad as calling, texting, or emailing them.

Stay with NC, and you will see you have to deal with bad days, as well as good days, whether the ex is there or not.

Its all about how you COPE with whatever life throws at you.

Look KC, you can ask me to get rid of Facebook a thousand times and I'll give the same answer every single time.

I can't stop using the website because that would basically mean cutting 80% of my social life. I could delete her from my friend's list (as I have done long ago) but I still can see her profile because we are on the same network (as I kept doing over and over during that period). I've readded her due to silly reasons back in Jan but I won't do anything about it anymore, basically because it might trigger response from her. It's as good as sending her an e-mail saying "I hate you". I know that if I delete her, than I'll be waiting for her complaining and then if she does, I'll be like "crap" and if she doesn't I'll also be like "crap". Why going through that? I've just blocked notifications a while ago from her so that I don't even know she exists.

Hey, it could've been awful but it wasn't. You're asking me what about next time? Well there won't be a next time. If I spent 2 months without going to her page and I was thinking of her everyday, I'm quite sure I can go the next 2 months when I'm thinking less and less about her. I am quite disciplined with these things. I mean, I still know her e-mail password (she probably changed it by now) and I never once used it.

I know you guys mean well, but sometimes you're overly aggressive. It's not like I was calling her and begging or dreaming of going back or something like that. Dude, I've talked with this person everyday for 4 years. So I apologize for, for the first time in 2 months, having a moment of weakness and wanting to know what she was up to. I know it wasn't a good idea and I said that myself. No need to throw stones at me.

If I was going to throw stones at you, it would be blantantly apparent. We are hard on you because we have ALL been there. I can't tell you how many times I screwed the pooch on this NC thing, and it sucked. Most of the time it was because I "felt" like I could handle reality, and when I got cocky and tried, I stumbled a bit. It is those little moments of weakness that can sometimes have a huge impact on our progress, you know? All I am saying is remove the temptation. I understand if you don't, as that is your God given right. I also know the "I've talked to her or everyday for 4 years" thing, welcome to the club. Didn't mean to ruffle your feathers, so calm down, and enjoy the ride! You know I got your back! Every time I am hard on someone it is merely because I care, nothing more. I don't do it to be a jackarse, or anything of that nature...

Carry on... :cool:

Haha. That's all right. I was just vented on one day and then I replied to a couple of comments on the next day.

No worries... I know having her info available to me on Facebook is not the ideal situation, but I don't really see much of a way out right now, unless I ask her to get out of my schools' network (which is her school too), or to block me - I blocked her notifications and that has been enough. If there was some solution like the e-mail filter one, that she wouldn't know I did, than, I'd do it. Any other thing would lead to a conversation or at least me being crushed again by conversation or by her not caring about it. And I don't need any of those right now. I'll just use my discipline and be stronger next time I get this temptations... I've always been one to respect her privacy when we were together, why would I change one good characteristic of mine now? If she wants me to know something, she knows how to get to me.

Anyway, these are useless things right now. There's so much more to life than this. Right now I am actually finding this whole experience amusing. I learned so much about myself because of this mess that I'm almost sending her a "Thank You" note. I've never been so active in my life, and I never loved life so much as I do now. I finally discovered what it means to have feelings so strong that you have no control of. It sucked, but now it feels good to know that you've experienced the real thing. I mean... poetry, songs, they were never so meaningful to me. I learned a huge lesson from it.

There's something stupid on human nature that makes us keep playing with scars that aren't yet fully healed. We go back there to see if it's healed, and then it hurts. That's why heartbreak songs are so popular ;-).

A late update, in case anyone was wondering what happened to me...

Well, I stayed out of touch with my ex for a while (about two months) until Easter, when I felt I should just wish Happy Easter. After that there were a couple of weird things (my mom told me she was going to do a summer internship in my city - turned out to be a rumor; she would talk with me for long hours; she kept making sure that I knew she wasn't seeing anyone, never did) which got me confused for a while.

At the same time I made a very good local friend. In the beginning I was going after her but she became a very good friend and one night we started talking about many of these personal things... it was very cathartic for me. It made me lose the emotional charge of the relationship with my ex. It was an amazing feeling. I guess it had to do with me realizing that, after all, good friends aren't that hard to make and I didn't need to be in a relationship for that.

After that, all the things that bothered me about my ex behavior didn't any longer. I managed to really stop caring about that. But I won't say I was ready to be "just friends". I think that's never really happening. We'll always have that thing in every meeting and every conversation. But it doesn't have to make me feel bad, it's just something that's there. I still can keep a conversation with her without feeling like and I really don't care if she's seeing someone or whatever.

Not to say the situation isn't weird, fundamentally. I would be lying if I said I have no feelings for her. And I can tell that she still likes me (yeah, some of you will say you can't really know that, but I know). I still think we would be a kickass couple we've always been, but I don't need her to be a kickass dude or in another kickass couple. And I'm exploring some other possibilities around here ;-).

In the end, what matters is to be happy.

Hey ITL,

Good to have and update from you to hear that you are doing well. I really feel that our stories are very similar and is heartening to hear of you doing so well.

I know what you mean about the "just being friends" thing... I met with my ex over the weekend, and while we are now able to hang out alone, we too will always have this thing between us whenever we meet. And you are right, its not something to feel bad about, its just something that there, and I am learning to accept all of that. I know that the both of us haven't ruled out something happening in the future, but we both see that right now we just need to focus on our own lives.

For me, I know she is seeing someone now, and although it does hurt, I care a lot less than I would have a while ago... its still on my mind, but I know that's only because its recent news and its just something I have to take in my stride. I even told her that for what its worth I wish her and this new guy all the best... and it felt good to do this.

And same again, fundamentally the situation is weird. I still have feelings for her, and like you, I can see that she still likes me, but just that now is not the right time.

I really like what you said about being a kickass couple... I know that me and my ex could still be that again... but yeah, I don't need her for me to be a kickass dude and there are plenty of kickass relationships out there for me to come.

I suppose for me I am still trying to get back to being that guy I was before I met her, but and even better version because I have all this experience behind me now and have learnt so much.

Anyway, good to hear from you man, I've really enjoyed following your progress these last 6 or so months!

I'm starting to believe in God and getting the feeling he has an interesting sense of humor.

I became a single guy again. I developed a few romance interests that didn't move forward for various reasons (she's seeing someone else, she's not into something serious, she's not into me, etc... ). I even had a couple of hook-ups and one-night stands - one of them was so screwed-up (I was the bad guy) that the break-up was harmless in comparison. I rarely remember my ex and only when it is about some piece of news or joke she'll probably like. And I normally forward her that, because that's what I do with anyone else. No hard feelings whatsoever. But that's the only type of "communication" with her. I have no clue of what's going on with her life and I don't care. Well, I was going to her city in this fall semester because of a conference and would probably meet her for a cup of coffee but it would be one of those "so, life is funny, eh?" kind of thing. And I wouldn't care if I didn't meet her at all.

Which doesn't mean I don't have feelings. It's just that I stopped thinking about them. And it's quite easy when you're leaving 1000 miles away. I can just blame the distance, say it's pointless to really sort out and let time take care of it without my help. That was my plan. Since I would be staying here in this ex-free city for the next 3 years, eventually things would have worked out.

BUT - because I wouldn't be posting here if there wasn't a but - it turns out that my advisor is transferring out of my university and going to a much better one in her city. And she asked me to go with her. I can choose not to go, but professionally it wouldn't make any sense - I wouldn't lose school time and it would be an upgrade for me - I would be responsible for a new and much better lab and have the top researchers on my field a subway ride away. So I am going. It would be silly not to.

So right now, I'm seriously excited about the whole ordeal. Moving to a nicer city, a better school, and with the sense that my professional choices are paying off big time. I feel like I'm the luckiest person in the world. But I have now this fear, borderline panic, of confronting her, confronting it. I don't know if I should give up on the possibilities I have in the city I'm leaving now because I'm leaving or if I should just keep going like I have been and see where it goes. I don't know if she still likes me or if she doesn't care. I don't know if I like her or I only miss someone that doesn't exist and perhaps never existed. I don't know if it was really only the distance or if there was something more. I am very scared to find that out.

But I guess that's life, right? Scary.

Don't worry. The chances of you running into her are very slim, unless it is a super small city.

Scary-yes but exciting.

Don't let your ex detour you from making a better life for yourself. She isn't a crutch to not follow your dreams.

It was bound to happen, right? I'm losing it, emotionally. I'm fine, I'll be fine, I'm functional and fully functioning. But I am not feeling right. It's just... I don't know what she's thinking. I want to not want to know (if this makes sense). But sometimes I just feel I should call and ask straight what is she thinking. I wonder if she wants anything from me or if she's going to be another one of the random girls in there and that it's like I'm moving to somewhere else.

Yes, it's insane. I just wish I could avoid going insane.

It shouldn't matter what she is thinking-she s in the past.
Though thoughts of exes on occasion are normal its not the healthiest option to wonder about their thoughts or actions.
What else is happening in your life now?
Is your work OK? Are you keeping yourself busy?
That's what matters-you.

Hi Im Totally lost,
Looks like your just going through a dip- not to worry- as the dip will disappear just as it came.

Instead of thinking of the ex- etc- think of positive things you can do right now- and start picking yourself up, and hopefully before you know it- you will be going up in life and not down.

Hey ITL... I'm sure you know it already, but these urges come and go. Its just a normal part of it all... I have been through so many cycles now I know I can just deal with the crap and move along.

I totally know what you mean when you say you "want to not want to know" about her. The thing is, if you did call her up, what would really be said? Its not going to achieve anything and will most likely make things worse. Like you said earlier, its pointless so let time just keep doing its thing on its own.