Ok, I need advice on my daughter best interest. Marley is 3 months old and ebf. Her father and I were not married. While being on bedrest and hormone shots my pregnancy he was always partying and could have cared less about me. He has always been verbally abusive towards me and my other children. I have been having him come here to my home for visits starting twice a week. He went to a lawyer behind my back and filed for custosdy, claiming she said he should always ask for more when going to court. Him and I came to an agreement that we could agree on our own. We decided 3 times a week here at my home until she is 6 months and then we could start day visits at his home with her. We were going to have it written up and take to our child support/dna hearing (he denied her most of the pregnancy and refused to sign papers at hospital) on jan 7th. Well yesterday being it was our daughters first halloween I asked if he would like to come along (not one of his visitation nights) and he waits until yesterday to ask if he could bring his friend along (someone I barely know that he claims is marleys god father) I told him that I think it should be just him because this is time with his daughter... not to haul friends along (keep in mind he invited the same friend to go bra shopping with us while I was pregnant).. So he proceeded to scream at me on the phone and call me names. Then I get a txt message saying exspect court papers because we can't come to terms. Im tired of the verbal abuse and court threats. He was also thrown out of the hospital after I had marley because of the verbal abuse. He sent me a txt today asking what time should he come... I told him I wanted to speak to a lawyer because he is no longer welcome in my home. I can't take the abuse anymore. What should I do? I don't know if this was the right thing to do... I know at this point he has no rights because paternity has not been established but on the other hand I at least want marley to know him. I just really can't be around him anymore and she is not familiar or ready to go alone at his home... any advice please!

Seems like I'm the only one on the board today so I'll give this a shot. First, let me say that I am an attorney in California and a Certified Family Law Specialist. I devote 100% of my practice to family law. Therefore, what I say applies to your situation were it in CA; it might be but is not necessarily how things will turn out in Maryland. So keep that in mind. Talk to a Maryland family law attorney to be sure.

You mentioned verbal abuse. If you've had threats of violence or harassing behavior you've had to deal with in the past you might apply for a temporary restraining order and in it ask for sole physical and legal custody of the child with either no visitation to him or supervised visitation pending the hearing. These can be issued with no notice to him and without waiting (usually Monday to Friday). It all depends on how bad it has been. Threats of going to court mean nothing so forget about those. But if he was kicked out of the hospital he must have been abusive to you or the staff so something is going on. Think about a TRO. They get set for a hearing relatively quickly (about 3 weeks out) and you can adjudicate custody and visitation in them as well (and even get chld support). If the court finds you have been the victim of domestic violence (even threats) you will benefit from a presumption that sole or joint custody to him is not in the child's best interests (a presumption he would have to rebut by showing he's done something the address the problem- like going to DV classes, etc). You should also file concurrently a petition to establish parental relationship (that's what we call it) to find that he is the legal father of the child.

If you can't get a TRO, seek custody orders yourself or wait until the hearing on the orders he's requesting. In the meantime, you may want to limit his contact if you think he's a flight risk or might engage in domestic violence or neglect the needs of the child. No matter what, you need to get into court as soon as possible to have orders made to define your rights as well as his.

Hope this helps.

Cadillac has given you good advice, but if he has an attorney you NEED one. If you try and go up against him on your own you will lose.

You also need to document everything. Keep a journal of all the abuse, keep copies of text messages and e-mails etc.

I do have to wonder here. We get so many women who have had a baby with someone then complain about their abusive nature. I wonder why you would have sex with someone like that in the first place.

It's true that you have to get a lawyer because he has one you will certainly loose with out one. Make sure you don't delete anything he texts you and keep a journal of all events and conversations. The court date isn't too far away until then he has no legal rights to her so if you want to deny visitation until the judge orders it that is up to you.

Cadillac has given you good advice, but if he has an attorney you NEED one. If you try and go up against him on your own you will lose.

You also need to document everything. Keep a journal of all the abuse, keep copies of text messages and e-mails etc.

I do have to wonder here. We get so many women who have had a baby with someone then complain about their abusive nature. I wonder why you would have sex with someone like that in the first place.

Believe me honey, if I knew he was this way I would have never even begun a relationship with him. He put on a good front... not only to me but around my children. It all went completely sour. He is not the same person I was once in love with. I have everything saved from emails txt msg's and I even started documenting his visitation... he even once arrived with 2 beers. I just don't want it to look bad on me for not allowing him to see her. Ya know?

Believe me honey, if I knew he was this way I would have never even begun a relationship with him. He put on a good front... not only to me but around my children. It all went completely sour. He is not the same person I was once in love with. I have everything saved from emails txt msg's and I even started documenting his visitation...he even once arrived with 2 beers. I just don't want it to look bad on me for not allowing him to see her. Ya know?

And not wanting to be accused of denying access is a reasonable concern. But you have every right to act reasonably to protect the child from an immediate danger. If he showed up drunk wanting to drive off with the child in his car you wouldn't allow him to do that I hope. No court is going to call that an unreasonable denial of access.

And not wanting to be accused of denying access is a reasonable concern. But you have every right to act reasonably to protect the child from an immediate danger. If he showed up drunk wanting to drive off with the child in his car you wouldn't allow him to do that I hope. No court is going to call that an unreasonable denial of access.

Thanks cad for your advice. I would never allow him to drive with her while drinking, which brings up another concern of mine with him.. He's crashed every car he has owned. Im scared to death to even allow him to drive with her. Im just so scared the courts won't think about her best interest. My little sisters father was charged with child pornography and they still allow him every other weekend and vacation time in the summer... sometimes courts just don't care and that scares me.

Also if the man and women can not live together, there is no way that long term "visits" in the home of the other person is ever going to work,

Also if the man and women can not live together, there is no way that long term "visits" in the home of the other person is ever going to work,

Yes, I understand that and this is why he was having more frequent visits with her so she could become familiar with him. Once she turns 6 months I was going to start day visits with marley going to his home.. Believe me I've done my research on visitation planning for infants... exspecially because my daughter is breastfed.