I have this one big problem. I´m kind of nerdy, and I cannot get a decent girl... It´s really hard, they always send me to hell saying that I´m not cool enough. It might be about how I look. I don´t wear glasses, but I am embarrassed to wear hiphop stuff. So I wear shirts with ties, occasionaly POLO shirts...

Will someone help me? I´m getting kind of desprate and depressed. :(

Well the first thing I would ask is, how old are you? My answer would be in part dependent on your answer.

Well, Im almost seventeen...

Seventeen in two months.

Well it depends your age and your race if your white and wearing hip hop stuff then it will seem like if you're a poser and you have too know how to dress the frist thing a girl looks at is how you look and your personality make her laugh be nice don't try to be who your not be confident in yourself get to know the girl before you ask her out you have to make her intrested in you don't seem desperete :cool:

Well, over the years I learned how to hide my feelings. I am the type of person who gets bullied, so showing feelings is bad in my case.

When I try to approach someone, I get a black eye - bullies are protective of girls.

I am the nerdy-freaky-cold type and it is extremely hard for me to say something funny.

HELP, please somebody HELP

Are you a good listener? Girls love to talk and love to have a boyfriend who is a good listener.

Do you ever see a shy, sad-looking girl hanging about? If so, did you ever say hi to her and ask her a question to get her talking?

OK...

And that means...

There is this girl I like and I do communicate with her. I am afraid she will "screw me to hell" if I dare to express my feelings. I do not know how to approach a person: my family life is screwed, mother left my dad "because of me"... It is hard to do anything without thinking of the her. She just tried to "screw me". She hated me. Now I simply loathe her, haven´t seen her in two years. Golf cures me but still it is hard... You think this might cause my problems with communication? Should I stop being me and try to forget my past and stop overdressing and be someone else? If I do so, will school still be manageble? Jeez. Sorry for blasphemy... What the HECK should I do?

I think you should relax.

Stop making this all about you and your personal history, and start looking at the other person as someone who will enrich your life. You don't have to express your feelings right off the bat. All you have to do is be pleasant and nice and a good listener and ask open-ended questions, like, "What did you think about that Chem test?" or "What kind of foods do you know how to cook?"

You're not looking to get married by Christmas, nor are you turning a friendship into a love affair. You are making friends. That's all.

So, waddya think?

Think of one of the most famous nerds, Bill Gates. He is not particurally handsome in anybodies book, and then look at his wife. People gravitate to a personality not just what they see on the surface. You are still young, don't let it worry you too much. When you look back in ten years at the "popular" ones and see how their lives have turned out compared to what you are capable of making for yourself you will laugh. Be happy that you are smart enough to get a top notch education. The rest will come.

Slow down dude!

First off, don't be wearing hip-hop stuff cause you think that's cool. Not all girls like that look. The shirt and tie thing is fine depending on how your wearing it, although at 17 I'd lose the tie.

Your dress is secondary to your confidence and socializing skills. If a girl likes you your clothes will probably not send her running (probably). Get away from thinking abouthow bad your past is and how allthe girls don't like you and focus on your good points, strong points.

There is someone for everyone, believe that. You'll do fine.

Well, I gues that could work... Why should the tie go? I like my neckties... And is being nerdy a bad thing??

Whoa, didn't know it was a neck tieboss. Ditch it!

Being nerdy is not a bad thing at all, it's a fashion just like any other. However, if your purposly dressingthis way than you have to be prepared for the stereotypes associated with it. Girls mixed with nerds in high school has kind of been likened to oil and water.

Seriously, if youlike your ties andlike the look of nerdiness than I say stick with it man. Do, dress, act the way you like, let the pieces fall where they may.

Keep the tie. Make sure the tie goes with the rest of the clothes and is clean and neat. Make sure the shirt is clean and ironed. You sound like a prize.

And it is hard getting past the bullies... Right now, both of my eyes are black, my thumb is broken and my eyebrows are shaved off.

But I always keep neat and tidy...

Why are you bullied?

This is on this board too... hmmmmmmmm --

"He is philosophical, godly, and what have you... how embarrassing, lol. Welp, he's got the most amazing mind, he's not self-conscious, he's intellectually nerdy, yet social, he's not cute... he doesn't even notice me!! He's the first guy I've really ever liked. I'm not necessarily dumb, but compared to him I am. he probably has a 4.9 (not even kidding), and I a measly 3.1. Do you think he'd ever like/notice me? how do i get him to do that w/out looking desperate?? (& i get really shy around him)"

I have no clue whatsoever. That's the worst thing about it. And the principal doesn't really want to cope with it, and my dad is trying to sue their dads... Never in your life you have seen such rednecks! They are even worst than Palin.

So why do you have all the body damage? Certainly you have a tiny clue why.

Just do a simple search on mens fashion change it up a little. Polos are a kind of hit or miss in High School, you have to be able to "pull it off"

But changing your wardrobe is NOT going to stop kids from bullying you. You have to stick up for yourself or that's how it's always going to be. So get YOURSELF moving. Get into some kind of wheight lifting and maybe a martial arts class on the side. ( I know I recommend wheights too much but I think it really works! )

Just be yourself, jump on a trend or two and make a personal style for yourself. Something that won't make you look like your trying to dress to fit in, something that has enough of "you" in it to be your kind of style yet try to still be fashionable about it.

But like I said I think your problems are more about you attitude, social skills, etc, etc.

And the principal doesnt really wanna cope with it, and my dad is trying to sue their dads... Never in your life you have seen such rednecks! They are even worst than Palin.
Now, those are inflammatory sentences right there!

If your dad is trying to sue, he's got it all backwards. I'm an Obama fan, but your reference to Palin and rednecks saddens me--very prejudiced and not worthy of a class act guy.

If this is how you express yourself to others in real life, I don't wonder any longer.

Well if your getting yourself beaten up that's just more of a reason to bulk yourself up, try to join a gym. Also seriously try this out if you have the money. Get into a martial arts! They are a great way to keep stress levels down and in a year or so if you keep up on it think how cool it will be to give the guy bullying you a broken arm after he tries to give you a black eye.

I support McCain, but Palin is just wrong.

I support McCain, but Palin is just wrong.
So you call her a redneck or worse?

Tell me why she's wrong--don't just slam her. And be fair about it, meaning throw in the good stuff too--tell us what she is good at.

Governor Palin is not ready to become president if anything happens to John McCain. She is not very experienced and a bit too conservative, which always isn´t good. I mean - getting a child with Down-syndrom? The kid is going to suffer! Also her seventeen-year-old daughter is kind of forced to be pregnant... I mean - Im seventeen, I have ambitions. If you have a kid in my age you can basically say byebye to your future. Palin for president would be like Putin for president... Also her speeches... Her scandals, her dresses, her winking... But my dad is a McCain voter and I am more than proud to see a McCain/Palin sign on our frontyard. I would never express my true feelings about Palin in public. I keep my mouth shut about how I disagree with her for one simple reason: McCain has to do what he is doing. And one day he might prove me wrong. That is, when he dies. Here I can me open, that's why I said it.

Sorry for the type-os and stuff.

And no, I didn't do any research on this... I was away when you wrote it - my dad came home from work.

Governor Palin is not ready to become president if anything happens to John McCain. She is not very experienced and a bit too conservative, which always isn´t good. I mean - getting a child with Down-syndrom? The kid is gonna suffer! Also her seventeen-year-old daughter is kinda forced to be pregnant... I mean - Im seventeen, I have ambitions. If you have a kid in my age you can basically say byebye to your future. Palin for president would be like Putin for president... Also her speeches... Her scandals, her dresses, her winking... But my dad is a McCain voter and I am more than proud to see a McCain/Palin sign on our frontyard. I would never express my true feelings about Palin in public. I keep my mouth shut about how I disagree with her for one simple reason: McCain has to do what he is doing. And one day he might prove me wrong. That is, when he dies. Here I can me open, thats why I said it.

Sorry for the type-os and stuff.
Now I'm starting to like you again--good writing and pretty good reasoning, and better than dissing her by calling her a name. At least you brought up points we could discuss intelligently.

Now, tell me about her good points (and she does have some).

She is feminist which is good, if she had someone who would help her, she would represent our country well, she has the guts to raise a child with down syndrom, she must be a good mother, she has ambitions, she is republican, she likes the tampa bay rays...

And I must admit she is quite attractive but don't count that

Again sorry for the type-os my giant thumb is in my way...

And she is a patriot! She got her first passport like 5 years ago?

and she is a patriot! she got her first passport like 5 years ago?
How does getting a passport make one a patriot?

She almost never left the country: you didn't get my point

So that makes her a patriot? (You have to express yourself clearly.)

Yeah, I guess its kind of patriotic... Sorry for not expressing myself clearly.

Why do you support Sen. Obama?

I believe Obama is a uniter and will bring together people of color and white people to make this country great again and to re-earn the respect of the rest of the world. I believe Obama is smart and will be able to figure out how to get us out of the economic trouble we're in. Obama is a gifted speaker who has tons of charisma, is a terrific husband and father (just watch him with his wife and daughters), and is a great dancer. His personality and his character and his abilities are just what this country needs right now.

I still don't understand how getting a passport makes one patriotic.

Who cares about the patriotic passport thing. She has left the country only once or twice and she got her first passport when she was like 38...

What do you think about the whole "Spread the wealth around" and "Plumber Joe" thing? I think its getting too old... He should have come up with something new. And get Schwarzenegger to speak for him? Ha-ha...

Yeah, I guess its kind of patriotic
Then what was your point?

What do you think about the whole "Spread the wealth around" and "Plumber Joe" thing? I think its getting too old... He should have come up with something new. And get Schwarzenegger to speak for him? ha-ha...
McCain is "he"?

Yeah.

Throughout this campaign, the media have jumped on every word said and have turned some into sound bites while taking them out of context. McCain could have made a huge difference in how his campaign was run had he stayed on the issues instead of engaging in mudslinging in negative ads.

Back to topic...

I think you should try to work on your social skills a bit more. Try to communicate better, and even try to make more friends.

It sounds like bullies have gone way too far with what they do. If you have black eyes, and broken bones, I think you seriously need to get someone who can help you. The authorities, anybody.

As for you clothing...
If what you wear is "you" then stay with it. Just remember that stereotypes exist, as much as we may hate it, they do.

Back to topic...
We WERE on topic, working on social skills.

We WERE on topic, working on social skills.

Okay...
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you or anything.
I just wanted a sort of 'segway' to introduce what I was saying. It was just a way of referring to the orignal post.

Again, sorry

Okay...
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you or anything.
I just wanted a sort of 'segway' to introduce what I was saying. It was just a way of referring to the orignal post.

Again, sorry
I just didn't want you to think it had turned into a political post. He started blasting Palin and throwing out insults and then came around to being able to actually discuss a topic. I hope he would do that in real life, to discuss instead of slam.

segway = motorized two-wheeled vehicle
segue (pronounced like segway) = verbal bridge

I just didn't want you to think it had turned into a political post. He started out blasting Palin and throwing out insults and then came around to being able to actually discuss a topic. I hope he would do that in real life, to discuss instead of slam.

segway = motorized two-wheeled vehicle
segue (pronounced like segway) = verbal bridge

That is a really good strategy, and backs up why you are an expert on this forum :).
It really is impressive. Looks like the OP has already made a lot of progress in his social skills.

And thank you for the spelling correction. Never knew that...

Never mind

Today I met her at the mall. I said hi and we talked for a few minutes... was that the right way to act?

I got some make-up to cover up my black eyes, so now I look "like a prize" Also, I got more of these POLO shirts. :)

Were you a good listener? Did you make good eye contact? Did you smile charmingly? Sounds good!

Oh yeah, I listened good and made eye contact... I do not know if I smiled but probably did... I know that she smiled... So I probably must did too... Is there a way to tell?

Is there a way to tell?
If she talks to you again and seems happy to do so, you must have smiled.

Whew... GOOD. It is good, right?

Oh yeah, I listened good and made eye contact... I do not know if I smiled but probably did... I know that she smiled... So I probably must did too... Is there a way to tell?

You know the key is to believe in yourself and love yourself, that way you won't fear rejection and you will have the confidence and the directness to go after what you want, and if you don't get it first try you will either have the persistence to continue to pursue it or move on without damaging your self-esteem because you are good with yourself.

There are plenty of girls out there who would simple love for a guy to show them attention, to like them and love them. My advice is simply to be direct, and if they don't accept your overtures then move on, if you believe in yourself that you are the prize and you will simply find someone who finally sees you as that, and you her.

The more you believe in yourself and the more confidence (not cockiness) you exude, the more attractive you will seem, and it won't matter what you wear. Women/girls love confidence in a man, they find it attractive and sexy more than anything you might wear. Women aren't as shallow as men, so stop judging yourself like a guy might judge a girl.

Be kind and confident, work on yourself and there will be little or no effort in getting girls no matter what you are wearing, you will attract girls like a magnet.

Good luck to you.

Well what I've found with girls is every girl loves a guy that m,akes her feel good, if you like this girl talk to her, your family life isn't important in this issue (not dismmising it) be yourslef play to your strengths, its hard but girls really aren't as obsessed with appearance as we think, if you make a girl feel good be it through help or juts a friend when she needs it, she will fall for you:)

They ought to find out about my rotten family sooner or later... they could think it influences me, they could think I'm like my mother... could they?

they ought to find out about my rotten family sooner or later... they could think it influences me, they could think im like my mother... could they?

I had shame growing up, my mother was an Alcoholic. However, most girls don't care about the family so long as you treat them right, as long as their emotional needs are being met; your family won't matter that much.

More than anything, it's your judgement or feelings about your family that will block you; it's you, not her that will have to get over your family thing. The girl will
Like you for you, not your family. Ask yourself, if you found a girl and you hit it off, if her family was screwed up, would it matter to you that much, probably not, and the same goes for a girl.

So get out of the way of yourself. Your family shouldn't define your own self-worth, you need to grow you own positive self-image independent of your family. Difficult I know because as children our family is what help defines us, but now that you are becoming an adult it's time to create an independent view of yourself, etc.

they ought to find out about my rotten family sooner or later... they could think it influences me, they could think im like my mother... could they?
Do you act like your mother or other members of your family? I don't know them, but I haven't gotten the impression that you do.

Now, stop kicking yourself. Tell me what I would like about you.

That's why you get bullied. You kick yourself, so others see that and say, "Heck, I'll kick you too." You must throw out tremendous signals that you are an underdog (because of what you call your "rotten family"?) and not worthy of any respect.

So, help me here. How can you project an image that's not an underdog, but one that is full of confidence and demanding of respect?

How can you get bullies to be on your side and even to become friends?

they ought to find out about my rotten family sooner or later... they could think it influences me, they could think im like my mother... could they?

Furthermore, you could change your perception of your family problems. Has it occurred to you that your mother might have had a terrible childhood, or abuse from men in her life, or simply made the wrong choices. Rather than thinking that she's screwed up, you could have some compassion for her; and find the good in her, the way she has supported you in spite of her troubles, etc.

In everyone's life you come out of childhood and somewhere along the line you realise your parents are human, and make mistakes, and it's disappointing, even shameful in some instances, but they are doing the best they can with what they've got. When you get older and have responsibilities, some you will take care of, some you won't, and you won't be perfect either.

Time to start framing your mother as something different, someone worthy of your love and compassion despite her problems.

1st of all you don't need to dress all hip hop to be cool, just an average t-shirt is good
And don't shoot too high shoot for a nice girl
Not the hottest girl and just make the most out of life and be yourself girls can sense that and will probably go for it

I am not like other members of my family... They are just so wrong. Im strongly against them (not my father) and I haven't seen people from my mothers side in like two years...

I have very little self-respect, as my mother was really quite mean... And I do not really know you, so I cannot say what you would like about me... Im a good journalist, vice-editor of our school paper, successful... Without black eyes, broken bones etc. I'm quite good looking. I can swim 2 lenghts in less then 40 seconds, so I´m quite "sporty", I always keep neat and tidy, Normally I am not rude, when I bump into my mother and she says something, I try to stay calm and say "have we met?", I´m a good golf-player... I have ambitions, I want to go to Yale like my father did... I am good at public speeches... Well that's probably it...

Sorry for the type-os... I have only 12 fingers...

Furthermore, you could change your perception of your family problems. Has it occured to you that your mother might have had a terrible childhood, or abuse from men in her life, or simply made the wrong choices. Rather than thinking that she's screwed up, you could have some compassion for her; and find the good in her, the way she has supported you in spite of her troubles, etc.

In everyone's life you come out of childhood and somewhere along the line you realise your parents are human, and make mistakes, and it's disappointing, even shameful in some instances, but they are doing the best they can with what they've got. When you get older and have responsibilities, some you will take care of, some you won't, and you won't be perfect either.

Time to start framing your mother as something different, someone worthy of your love and compassion despite her problems.

My mother left me, saying that i´m the bad one. She never supported me, had fights with my father over me, she said i destroyed her life and that i don´t deserve ro live. My father said, that she has to go, so she went. When i bump into her, she tries to hurt me again. She is wrong. Its not my fault or anybodys else. Its her. Not me... and just thinking of her makes me cry, so mean that woman was.

That's why you get bullied. You kick yourself, so others see that and say, "Heck, I'll kick you too." You must throw out tremendous signals that you are an underdog (because of what you call your "rotten family"?) and not worthy of any respect.

So, help me here. How can you project an image that's not an underdog, but one that is full of confidence and demanding of respect?

How can you get bullies to be on your side and even to become friends?

So you think I should "turn an underdog into a victor?" like those Phillies did?

I am not like other members of my family... They are just so wrong. Im strongly against them (not my father) and I havent seen people from my mothers side in like two years....

I have very little self-respect, as my mother was really quite mean... And I do not really know you, so I cannot say what you would like about me... Im a good journalist, vice-editor of our school paper, succesful... Without black eyes, broken bones etc. im quite good looking. I can swim 2 lenghts in less then 40 seconds, so I´m quite "sporty", I alway keep neat and tidy, Normally I am not rude, when I bump into my mother and she says something, I try to stay calm and say "have we met?", I´m a good golf-player.... I have ambitions, I wanna go to Yale like my father did... I am good at public speeches... Well thats probably it...

sorry for the type-os... I have only 12 fingers...

Wow... you have so much going for you. As for your lack of self-respect it's time to change the recording in your head. Each time you think or feel in a way that is self-damaging reject it and say no; and replace it with an affirmation.

Think of it this way, if you keep telling yourself the same lies over and over because you are comfortable being a victim and your receive some of your emotional needs by presenting yourself this way; but it just reaffirms all the negative things you keep telling yourself and it snowballs by it's repetition into this idenitity that is self-defeating.

The trick is to replace this negative self-talk or feeling with positive self-talk and affirmations; consciously fighting the negative and replacing with positive, even if you don't believe the positive as first. Over time with repetition the positive affirmation will transform you into someone who believes in himself, and as a result you will naturally form better relationships, etc. So replace the snowball of negativity that just keeps getting bigger with a snowball of positive which will help you change your identity and then those girls you are seeking will naturally be attracted to you.

It all starts with changing the recording inside yourself. I know you can do it, you are a person of accomplishment.

So you think I should "turn an underdog into a victor?" like those Phillies did?
Of course I do! And you have a lot of pluses, it sounds like.

Your mom is a product of her own upbringing and is taking it out on you (and others). She apparently hasn't met us yet here on AskMeHelpDesk! Do you want to go down that same road into destruction and screwing up other people's lives? Of course not! Break the cycle!

So what can you do to be a winner? (TexasParent gave you some great ideas!)

Of course I do!

What exactly are you referring to?

MY MOTHER LEFT ME, SAYING THAT I´M THE BAD ONE. SHE NEVER SUPPORTED ME, HAD FIGHTS WITH MY FATHER OVER ME, SHE SAID I DESTROYED HER LIFE AND THAT I DON´T DESERVE RO LIVE. MY FATHER SAID, THAT SHE HAS TO GO, SO SHE WENT. WHEN I BUMP INTO HER, SHE TRIES TO HURT ME AGAIN. SHE IS WRONG. ITS NOT MY FAULT OR ANYBODYS ELSE. ITS HER. NOT me... And just thinking of her makes me cry, so mean that woman was.

Oh, your poor mother; the pain that must be inside her. I would guess that your mother tries to hurt you to keep you at a distance because she has her own demons. When we lash out, it's because we don't want people to be to close, to know the real us because we are ashamed. Believe me, your mother judges herself more harshly than anyone on this earth, otherwise she wouldn't have the hate she has inside. This comes from her own self-loathing whether she realizes it or not. When we blame other, like she blames you, it's because emotionally she can't accept her responsibility, she believes it would crush her, she can't handle it; so she pushes you away, blames you, etc. rather than taking responsibility herself.

She is a very emotionally sick woman and I have great sympathy for her, but your father was right, she can't be a part of your life, she is toxic, she is sick; and only she can decide to seek help.

I know you feel cheated of your mothers love which was likely never shown; but love comes in abundance if we give it. Try having empathy for your mother, think of her as a small child that has been hurt and tries to hurt back at anything and everything, etc.

However it is what it is, and all adults at some point need to start loving themselves. Can you grieve the lack of your mothers love, of course; but you need to go through the entire grieving process and when you come out the other end, you will find gratitude in something about the entire experience. There will be anger and I encourage you to express it in writing or out loud against you mother, but not directly to her unless you absolutely need to in order to find closure.

Anyway, start loving yourself I know you can do it; and once you love yourself, then more and more people will start loving you.

I cannot get over her... God bless her for not killing me when I was a baby, but still... Is it normal to hate your own mother? I really hate her, loathe her... I have these dreams about throwing darts at here picture... I wish I could get over her, forget she ever existed... I wonder what's it going to be like when Ill have kids... Will I be able to tell them the truth or just say she's dead? I know its too early for these thoughts but I cannot stop, everywhere I go I have to think of her... If I get a scholarship Im going to Connecticut, if I go will she move there too? Will she be following me around for the rest of her life? Is what she is doing illegal? Do I have to sue her or is it enough just to sit and speak? I am not scared of her and I do not want to have official conflicts with her (NO WAY) but Im just wondering...

And would they have bullies at Yale?

Anyway, start loving yourself I know you can do it; and once you love yourself, then more and more people will start loving you.

How?

What exactly are you referring to?

Oh Im sorry, I didn't get it, I didn't read the quote, now I get it... :o Im kind of embarrassed now, sorry

and would they have bullies at Yale?

I don't know about Yale in particular, but I would imagine that there is always immature people everywhere, but in going to college I think the level of maturity and the fact that they are now trying to do something with their education that they are paying for directly or indirectly would suggest they have much more important goals than bullying you.

Oh, hooray... yes you are right, people have more important stuff to do than go and bully people at college...