I read a thread that was about a year old now and didn't want to post to it not knowing if there would ever be a hit on it.. So here is a fresh one... My relationship is just 18 months young... I'm left feeling mostly shot to hell and unattractive daily, feel as though I'm just on my knees begging for more attention or affection even intimacy.. ANYTHING.. I don't know what to do anymore, I've talked myself blue in the face using the nicest ways to put everything as to not make her feel bad.. It gets better for like once then right back to normal.. I have come to think that no one is capable of a permanent change that no matter what the situation they will change for a small amount of time just to suit that particular issue then go right back to normal.. I want to talk to sex therapists because I truly think that something is really wrong with me and that I'm not normal.. That maybe I'm Manic Depressive? I've even looked at different ways to lower my sex drive, I am so lost in this and sick of this subject coming up in my relationship.. I do love her and very much so in fact. I do anything and everything asked and even implied. I try to hear every little comment and listen intently to hear every word just looking for something else to do for her in hopes that it will get better.. Nothing yet.. Still waiting.. I feel like I'm losing myself in all of this, that I'm no longer me.. I often feel disgusted with myself, that I'm this horrible person for even thinking that we will tonight.. Then feel devastated when we don't.. I hate this feeling and I feel like I don't deserve to feel this way.. She never understands and thinks that I just want the act of it, that I'm just being another "guy".. I have mornings where I hope that God decides it’s my time to go and just *boom* have a car accident, I would never intentionally hurt myself *get that straight* but just sometimes I wouldn't mind being a car accident headline.. Sadly I think her life would get better without me in it.. That I've made our intimacy a chore for her.. And who in their right mind likes chores? I never have! This is my kenundrum of a daily part of my life.. Is there more people out there like me or am I alone is this? :eek:

You are wound of up so tight, I can see you need to relax about this.

But first, a simple question. About how often do you two make love?

(ala the woody allen film, "constantly, twice a week," or "almost never, twice a week.")

Maybe you aren't compatible sexually? Has she suffered past sexual trauma?

To answer you both.. First if I said nothing at all and just waited for her it would be once every 7 to 11 days as to where I find it hard to wait 2 days. Second, no she hasn't not that I know of. All she has said to me is that she has never had a sex drive and not with any of her partners.. I don't think we are compatible and that really bothers me as well.. I feel as though I'm drowning in emotion and alone in it to boot.. I am really at my wits end with all this..

Well, at least you both sound within the normal range. I just got out of a relationship where I was the person who wanted to make love practically every day and he couldn't care less. At one point after ten days, I brought it up and he said, "But we just did that!" It's only funny if it's not you.

I agree you two are pretty far off. I do sometimes wonder if rejection makes us want it more? That uncertainty of never knowing how long it's going to be makes you obsess a little? It does for me. And, also, I think once the other person starts to feel pressured and like it's a duty, problems arise. I wish I had a clear answer, but I do agree that different levels of interest in sex create constant tension in relationships. That's been my experience.

Frankly, I don't know why people who are dating stay together when they aren't compatible. That's what dating is for... to find a really good match for a long term relationship so both people are happy!

What a drag trying to "work things out" constantly with someone who is incompatible in the first place. Life is too short for that.

Time to move on.

Best wishes in the future, :)

First off I would like to thank everyone for their input, it feels good to just let it out and vent a little.

I don't want to give up, she has everything I want in life except this one apparently huge deal to me. Sadly to her this same issue is so minuscule in size that she has no comprehension as to why I feel the way I do and act the way I do. I don't want the cornerstone of my relationship to be sex, I think since I'm 27 and she being 24 we shouldn't be having these types of issues. I know of people twice our age that are far more involved with each other on an intimate level. Feeling the way I feel just scares me, the fact that when I feel that way it just makes me so much more susceptible to additional frustrations. You all should see me the day after we've been intimate. Its like I'm a totally different person and all of those things that would normally bother me don't exist. Like all of my stress has just disappeared. Then like clock work two days later it starts all over again... I really don't know what to do, I don't think this is healthy not even in the slightest but on the same token I don't want to lose her. She is such an amazing person and every way makes me happy except this one.. This is our Achilles' heel in my opinion..

Wow. I totally understand.

Being female, orgasms are more important than intimacy at times. It could well be that she is not having them. Faking it is easy for women. Worshipping her body and touching should be priorities, not the insertion of your penis.

I would least try to find out if she is having orgasms or is really enjoying the lovemaking. It may be hard to get her to tell the truth because she won't want to hurt your feelings or admit she's been deceiving you (if she has, which we don't know). But if it turned out she was not really getting much pleasure, it's possible that's something you could make better. Low hormone levels are another possibility. You need to convey to her that her apparent lack of physical interest is a huge deal for you and hurts you and you need her help to try to improve things. It has to feel like a joint project to her, not just "He thinks I'm broken and he wants to fix me." It's not easy.

We do understand about feeling totally different from day to day and I think we are about twice your age. :)

Take care

Thanks, I will definitely ask her about it.. I have often wondered about that too. If she enjoys the love making like I do. I enjoy and value my intimate time with her so much. I do try to talk to her about everything and just try my hardest to convey my feelings on this as best I can. I hardly ever come out of these conversations feeling better, like something was actually accomplished. Instead it is quite the opposite, I end up more confused and sometimes more frustrated than when we started talking. Also I feel as though she is just getting frustrated with me and that I keep bringing it up. I really want this to get better but at the same time I want her to want it as well. My best example is from the movie "The Break-Up" with Vince Vahn and Jennifer Aniston; where they were arguing about the doing of the dishes. I don't want her to want me because I want her to but instead to want me because she wants me. IE: I don't want pity sex or intimacy. Am I being reasonable or unreasonable? I'm so conflicted about that.

I am so very attracted to her and I don't have an attraction towards anyone else. Like I was trying to explain to her is there could be another woman that did something just regular or mundane and I would think nothing of it and then my girlfriend could do the same thing and to me it is so damn hot. She turns me on with literally everything she does. I only feel and see that with her though, no one else even sparks my interest; is this normal? I have a lot of questions, I really do..

Thanks again to everyone that has taken their time to listen and give me their feedback.

Pity sex is what many men get if their partner is faking enjoyment. Being incompatible with level of interest can also cause one of the partners to "do it" kind of when they don't feel like it.

I don't know her, but I've had plenty of conversations with girlfriends. Many, many women do not orgasm with their partner during regular intercourse. Maybe you could research female anatomy and try different things. The trouble is that every woman has different preferences.

Men who really pay attention to body language, and have the ability to act upon it during sessions of intimacy are rare. It sounds like you have the potential to be an incredible lover. Then again, perhaps she just isn't into sex like you are.

Imagine never having an orgasm during sex. You would not want to get all messy and wet that often.

I totally undertand where your coming from. I have realised that everything in life that you most want or most cherish, always seems to drift further and further away from us. The more we try to keep it to ourselves the more we begin to lose it... I have realised that this is the same with relationships. For examp, if I was to feel that someone is affectionate towards me and is always praising me on all the things I do (sex included) without me having to make any effort at all. That would make me feel very full of myself and I would probably even become ignorant towards her thinking that I'm some kind of sex god or somat and that she can't live without me... Its common and its in human nature to become full of ones self. The more you praise someone on whatever they do, whether it be sex or their beauty, they will eventually become full of themselves and become ignorant of the fact that you actually love them.. my advice would be that you should stop showing the amount of affection you have for her and see if she notices a difference. It may mean going on for over 10 or 11 days without sex, but go for it and try to last as long as you can without it, and give her a tasteof her own medicine and she will definitely begin to realise that leaving someone 'hanging' does hurt and hopefully it should improve here understanding of your feelings.! Hope it works out for you mate!! But listen your not the only one with that problem... so don't worry about it!!

I know from my experience, my husband will just satisfy me - not expecting anything. One night after I climaxed, he gave me a kiss and just cuddled, I asked if we were going to have sex, he said "no, I just wanted to pleasure you". That got my mind going and the next night we had a "great night", I made sure he felt real good, doing everything he liked and wanted. Maybe you should try just pleasing her and see how she responds. I just wanted to make him feel as good as he made me feel.

Hello all again,

Sorry for being so late on this thread but I've been undergoing the whole moving process. AT&T always finds a way to stretch out the installment of internet lol.. I have read everyone's comments and yes maybe I do praise her too much. I do it because I really do think these things about her and I want her to know that I see them and appreciate them. I have done the whole " I just want you to be happy tonight" but on the flip of that she is also very controlled when it comes to intimacy well just about every aspect of her life is; now that I think about it. This brings me to my next point of interest. She had seen the sex therapy discussion on Oprah and right after we had a big talk about the different ways we see things and what she wants. I think we came to a pretty healthy agreement about this very issue. See since she has so much control of her everyday life she doesn't want control of this. She wants me to be able to control her in the room and just sexually all together like the way I set up our dates. All I ask her for is a time of when she is available and I set everything up from there. Ok OK OK I have to get back to work.. Thanks everyone I will check back after a while.

You have been together 18 months, so how long have you lived together?

I doubt seriously if this is a recent thing, and suspect she has always been this way.



She wants me to be able to control her in the room

That's easy enough, get what you need, and go watch TV.

(sounds like a concession to me, for you, not her)

Its like she is saying get yours, and don't worry about hers, ugh!

It really has been this way for the most part and no we don't live together. We try to be together as often as possible but with her work/school and my work it’s hard at times. We've agreed to not live together unless we were married because we feel that would lessen the act of getting married. That living together should be something to look forward to after marriage.. .
I just get irritated when we don’t match. We always look things so differently…

clplaster I think I can relate exactly to many of the feelings and issues you are experiencing. Talking to my girlfriend about our sex life issues only leaves me confused, fustrated, and feeling bad. I also desire those feelings of intamacy in a relationship. I've never have never met a female like the one mine has become. Thanks for your post and the advice your receiving and I'm hoping that it helps my relationship as well.

Hey BG,

It's nice to know that you're not the only one isn't it? The whole reason I started this thread was because I had honestly ran out of options, that no matter what I tried it wasn't working. I wanted to vent and also see if there was anyone out there that was going through anything like me. As well as to get some new advice, I'm sorry but pray about it or to just find someone to take care of what I'm lacking isn't going to fix anything. Then to make sure I wasn't alone in my problems. I'm relieved to know that I'm not alone but at the same time I really feel for anyone that feels like me.
I mean I love her with all my heart and never ever want to lose her; she brings so much happiness and light to my everyday life. Even now I get butterflies when I know she is coming in the room or over to my house. Just to see her makes me take a deep breath every time. It saddens me to know that I don't have that effect on her and that I probably never will. That if I were to walk away she would just take it in stride and move on, to feel like your feelings can mean so few to someone you care deeply for. I don't think she will ever understand me that I will always have this sense of loneliness. That we will never connect and that I will never be that person that just lights her fire. To lie next to someone but still feel alone is a very suffocating emotion.
Thanks again to everyone that has posted on this; I will continue to post because to me this is a very very functional outlet. To anyone that has similar issues please post what you have going on. Let this be your vent as well, being able to relate to someone is a must especially during times like these.

I think your in a good, and unique position really, as you can honestly express yourself, and expect an answer.

There is plenty of time to talk about things now rather than later so make sure she is as committed as you are and if not, you sure better adjust your thinking.

Never forget though that right now, your not married, and if she doesn't feel the same way, you can't change her.

But at least you'll get an idea of what to expect before you tie a knot. That's where the hard decision come in, so don't be discouraged yet, as there is plenty of time, to get some FACTS.

I always try to remind myself that just because it's in my head doesn't mean she knows it's there or that I'm feeling it. I used to think that way and for a while now I tell her how I feel and let her show me if what I feel and think matters to her. I don't trust words; I would rather see it in action. My being honest has caused a lot of arguments between us and that's where I get torn. If I feel that I have to argue to be with her then I don't want it. If she isn't in the moment then don't bother. I'm a very sentimental person and my intimate moments with her are so very meaningful and important to me. She has the power to control my mood, not that I gave her the power but more that I don't know how to take it back. She makes my world go around and I honestly feel as though it would stop if she weren't in it. I know that in the end the life we can have is worth it, it's just the getting there part.

I'm a 21 year old female going through similar issues...
My boyfriend is always calling me "such a guy" and acting like I'm an insensitive b***h every time I try to get him in the mood. He's always too tired/not in the mood/ feeling fat. The more I try to get him interested the more pressured he feels and the more he hates the idea of sex. As a result of his never wanting sex, IVE gotten very jealous and insecure. I can't figure out what he wants!
I think increased communication is potentially very important for solving this issue. Maybe therapy would help. I'm assuming a lot of the lack of desire has to do with anxiety depression and insecurity. Maybe working on these problems would help sex drive. The question is whether you want to wait and help your significant other through these issues...

Have you actually talked with him? Tried to convey to him how you feel and how he makes you feel? How old is he, how long have you two been together?

To lie next to someone but still feel alone is a very suffocating emotion.

You really express this feeling well.

I've definitely been in this situation. I lived with a boyfriend for about 4 years when I was in my 20s and I thought we would get married and stay together and have a family, but he just became more and more remote the longer we were together. As if we were just friends.

If he was working late at his desk and I came and hugged him gently from behind, he would shrink away from me or sit stiffly and just endure it. We were visiting my sister and she later told me that every time I sat next to him on the couch, he would get up and move somewhere else. I had gotten so used to it, I didn't even notice. I just had this ache in my heart all the time. I wanted to be loved. I remember lying awake at night next to him feeling alone and sad.

Other people thought I was very attractive, but he told me he liked women thinner and he just wasn't attracted to me. (When I see pictures of myself then I was bony trying to stay thin for him.) Eventually, he announced he never wanted kids (he'd always said before that he did want them) and made an excuse not to have sex for several months, and I just gave up. This doesn't sound like it, but he had many good qualities that I even miss some times, but I don't regret leaving.
Strangely, when I left, he tried to get me to come back...

Clplaster, does your girlfriend make you feel loved?

She honestly does make me feel very loved, every other avenue of our relationship is very strong and fullfilling. Only in the ways of intimate affection do I find what I view as our Achilles' heel. She is an amazing person and to me I think she is the most beautiful and sexy woman to ever grace my world. I just wish I found more of myself in her or more of herself in me but we are just very very different people.

I know you have different libidos. Are you different in other ways, too?

We have very different family backgrounds and different religious beliefs. She was raised catholic and I was brought up Nazarene but I have taken a more logical view. Other than that she just wants me to be more of an "alpha male" instead of how I have been. I like to allow her room to do what she wants and be more free spirited but she wants me to control her more. We have our differences and none of them bring this much level of frustration, not even close.

How old are both of you. And what you you define as often or not often?

Did you ever think that maybe she is not sold on being with you forever, and is holding back until she is sure? The fact you don't live together tells me she hasn't completely come to terms with just giving you sex, whenever you please.

So let me come at you a different way. Do you live at home? Does she? Do you both work, or are in school? Have you set a date, or made plans to get to the next level??

Hey Tal,

I know she doesn't think that far ahead, not with me because it scares her. Ok a little background, I'm white, divorced with 2 kids from my previous marriage also just turned 27. She is Latina 24 years old and has a very strict family especially her father. He doesn't even know I exist; she would have hell to deal with about me being white. Then to tell him that I have kids and I'm divorced. He would view that as I had my chance and it failed therefore he wouldn't allow his daughter to be with me. He would want her to have the best of everything and for her to start anew where both she and her partner were doing everything for the 1st time. In that aspect she doesn't think of me as her life partner and I don't push it because I figure it will come in time. Although I have set a deadline on seeing progress, I will not allow her to have me without more of a commitment. Basically getting the milk for free.. Also to answer the rest of your questions, I have my own place and she lives with her mother partly because she is still a full time student. Another reason is that her mother is still single and has no one else there. Both of us work she has a crazy weekly schedule as to where I have my reg 8 to 5 and my kids on Friday or Saturday night. Ok now on the setting of the date, we haven't set one as a couple. I have my agenda and a time line that I feel is very considerate. I will not ask for her hand is marriage until I have her father's blessing or until I have tried to my hearts content to get it and he is just being unreasonable. If that's the case then I will ask without it but I do feel that because she means so much to me that she deserves to have everything the proper way. That she is worth all of the time and effort put into our relationship. I just want our intimacy to increase; I don't want to be the only compromising party in this. I mean once you start giving in and giving in where does it stop and who will you be in the end? I already feel as though I've lost some of myself as it is. I would like to be met in the middle.

Thanks for the background information, it surely helps.

I really think your expectations are to high, unrealistic, and very one-sided, as she hasn't made that kind of commitment, and your just a b/f whom is seen when there is time, in her busy schedule.

Tell me how you can really have the intimacy in a relationship you want, when your barely a secret lover, with a tight schedule?

Your way ahead of yourself here, with your time line for progress, as there is no communications going that way, just your own assumptions, as she can't think like you do at this point, with her life the way it is, nor wants too.

Please get a little more realistic, and more inclusive, as sex, and intimacy is the least of your problems to solve.

The priority would seem to be getting this relationship out of the closet, and in the open, to see if it does grow. That takes the two of you working together in the same direction, not you seeing further down the road, and planning for you both, without a clear understand from her.

That my friend you do not have at this time.

Sorry.

Well I hope it helped out. Please don't be sorry, I asked for this. I want to be as honest as possible and I would like that in return. Don't sugar coat it for me, it is what it is and that's what it will be.

I love her and I have always been ten pages ahead of her in our relationship. I'm used to it, although I have thought of myself as a secret lover just not in that exact terminology. She hides me from her father and some of his side of the family. On the other side of the token I am known on her mothers side and I know that her mother thinks fondly of me. Her brother also knows me and we get along, it is only centralized around her father for the most part. A lot has to do with the respect she has for him, that she doesn't want him to meet anyone until she knows they are the one she will marry. We also agreed on not moving in together because if her father ever found out it would crush him, that he wouldn't respect me and our relationship. There are viable reasons for the way things have gone and how they have played out thus far my only wish at this point is for her to be in the relationship the way that I am. To see me the way I see her, yes I know I probably do have very high expectations but I would like to think they are more like goals. I don't want to just coast and let whatever happen I want what I want. Thanks again for your advice but I have to work lol..

It can't be all you, and you can't force things to fit your notion of things.

My advice, slowdown to a more reasonable pace, and relax, as opposed to forging ahead.

If its one thing you learn after 30 years of marriage is to be patient with yourself, and more so with your partner.

What real good does it do to leave them behind you. Sometimes you do have to wait until they catch up, and trust me, they love you for it.

As for the intimacy, slowdown, and appreciate her position, you ain't the one yet, and your right, there is a lot more work to do, to get to that level.

Hey BG..
Thanks for posting on mine, I was going through the list and I saw yours. Your right, after reading your question we do have a lot in common.
First off this is a two way street to me and there should be a level of compromise. Why should it be you making all the sacrifices? Why do you have to change to suit her? That’s what I’m faced with and feels that I have begun losing myself in everything that has gone on in my relationship. I would think that maybe you should talk to a sex therapist on your own at first before bringing it to her attention. See if there is something you can learn and try before taking her to them.
My GF saw a sex therapy discussion and immediately saw issues with her and some with me. We talked about it and I learned a few things as well as her. Don't make it a fight, what I do is voice myself in a non-confronting manner and let her decide whether I'm worth it. With me it isn't just let me have you and put me to sleep.. Hell no! I want her to want me too, for it to a mutual feeling.
In the end it will boil down to whether you are able to arrive at an agreeable compromise. How does it go “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink” you can do everything under the sun the moon and the stars and that’s all. Put your best and honest effort into your relationship and allow her to show you how she feels about you. If you matter to her the way she does to you then she “should” recognize and acknowledge your efforts. If she doesn’t then maybe your being taken for granted and she has forgotten what you actually bring to her table.
I know it’s hard, and it will be. Sex isn’t everything in a relationship but it is a very large part. It is the one thing that you two do together that is only with you two. I mean what other parts of the relationship are there? Communication.. right.. that is also done with other people than you as well as a whole slew of items.. Sex is only between you two and should be held in the highest regards. To be sexually compatible to me is a very very very large deal, simply because it is only done with the people in the relationship.
I feel for you and hope for you to have better days, keep your head up and try to be positive.

Thanks for the for the advice clplaster
Its more than an imporved sex life I'm looking for, its basically emotional fulfillment. A part of me feels like I shouldn't have to change or accept the way things are. But isn't compramise what a relationship is all about. I thought love was accepting the positives and negatives your partner has. At what point do you stop sacrificing your own mental sanity and move one? I feel like I have so much more invested emotionally In this relationship, and like you said, she could just walk away.

Hey BG,

No that is true, love and a relationship are very much so based on compromise. My point is that you compromise to what extent and how equal? If you have to completely compromise to her every wish and whim just to make it work then you may want to look at the level of your investment to hers in the relationship. I was merely pointing out one aspect and pretty much because that is my only complaint in my relationship. We hug and kiss a lot but that just simply isn't enough for me, I want more and it pains me because we view this so differently. That I don't know what turns her on or how to get her aroused. I also feel as though when I'm touching her that it only effects me and she is just saying "ok" in her head.

Here is something that I'm at a loss with, the other night we went to dinner had a very nice evening and came back to my house. We put on a movie and I was fixing her laptop at the same time. Well all the while we were laying there and holding each other I couldn't stop thinking in those terms and looking down her shirt etc.. Then towards the end of the movie I started expressing what I had been thinking the entire evening and she tells me that it isn't going to happen and why can't I just lay with her? I felt so disgusted with myself, knowing it was true and just wondering why I can't do that. Why do I have to always be "on"! I don't have an answer and that feeling of disgust is one of my most hated feelings, it creates so many different effects of self hate. Then after she left I couldn't sleep, just kept thinking about and was so exhausted yesterday that I almost collapsed in one of my clinics. She got off work last night and we talked about and I felt no better in fact more so that we aren't compatible and now I'm wondering where to go from here. Once we hung up I laid there again till about 4am just thinking about everything. Why does this have such an effect on me? Why am I the way that I am?

Bottom line is that I love her more than I can say and we are so awesome in every other way. She makes me so happy except with this and I wish there was something to lower my drive and desire for her because it just never f'n stops. I fell like I'm literally drowning and I can't ever get above the water.

Masturbate.

I've known some very strict Latinos. However there are no universal statements that you can make. The Latino families I've known have all be very outgoing and open, and very friendly. Hardly prudes.

I still see a very one sided relationship here. Its going to be pure hell as long as it remains that way. It can go either way down the road. She might be this way naturally and will never warm up then what? On the other hand just maybe down the road she will warm up... but if she doesn't then what?

First of all you are going to have to be more realistic in this relationship or I'm going to predict far more heartache and pain for you in the future.

Its easy to get wrapped up in a dead end relationship hoping just a little more time will be what all you need for her to see things your way... and ignore the blatantly obvious. Many of us have wasted too much time like this... myself included.

What I learned the hard way decades ago... is judge every relationship at face value... what you get now might be the best you ever get. If it isn't then its time to move on.

Whoa whoa whoa...

She made you feel like crap because you are attracted to her? Do you know how many threads we get here from women that WANT their guy to be attracted to them?

She was mad because you SAID something about being attracted to her.

That just sounds stupid. You DID just lay there with her. Does she want you to NOT be attracted to her?

I don't think the two of you are going to get past this without a counselor. If she won't go to one then you have a couple of choices.

1. End the relationship because of incapatibility.

2. Accept that what you've got right now is as good as it is EVER going to get, and accept that you CHOOSE to be there. If you CHOOSE to be there, then it's no one's fault but your own if you are not completely satisfied with the status quo.