Here I was, months away from the 3 year anniversary mark. I realise the signs in retrospect, but not at the time. Then bang! The break up.

My girlfriend "broke it off" essentially over the phone before we saw each other on her 21st birthday. He family were shocked. She had already planned a trip interstate I soon found out.

After 1 week of little contact, she returns from the holiday and the first thing she says is it didn't feel right because I wasn't there.

Turns out she met up with someone, had planned it and slept with them twice. Exactly 1.5 weeks after we broke up. THe guy was already flirting and seducing her before we broke up.

Now she's back, he's interstate and we STILL can't talk. I'm trying to reach out to her so badly but she just doesn't seem to listen. She tries so hard to avoid questions. Making herself sick, mixing words, answering certain quiestions etc.

I had to find out EVERYTHING by spying. It's stressed me to the point where I'm now seeing a counselor.

The thing is, I still want her. I toss up the positives and negatives and I want her back. I can't understand how she can move on.

Here she is days after returning from her holiday and she's very ill. Who was there to take her to the hospital? Me. Did she appreciate it? No doubt, she gave me a gentle kiss and later said she felt something.

But when I keep asking her about talking about us, or her new "boyfriend" (she keeps claiming she has no feelings for him so far and doesn't love him and that MAYBE she wants him there as more than a friend) she is unsure.

Yet despite this, she is still considering moving interstate to live with him (he's 15 years older than her), she's considering a job he's offered her and no-one even knows but her and a family member.


What on Earth do I do? I know people will tell me to avoid the depression and I'm trying but I just can't do it. Hence the counselor.

But her mixed answers, actions, what do I do? She obviously wants me as a close friend, but I feel betrayed and walked on right now. But I still want her back. She has no future with this person. Moving interstate a month after meeting them? IT took us over a year to consider moving out. Unfortunately we couldn't afford it.


Right now he is here to visit her in hospital sick, so I'm not visiting till he's back interstate. I also allude to absolute no-contact and she tries to reinforce that she'll talk to me soon.

Could use some advice. Keep in mind, I want to recover our relationship, it was so perfect and I should have seen how my recent behaviour could cause it to end. I should also have seen the signs. But that was then, this is now. Now I need to get things back on track.

Dean, I have the same problem but in reverse and for some reason the older person wins perhaps because she feels more secure with the older bloke. I keep texting my ex to let her who I still love her but no reply. It feels desperate texting her saying I still love her and want her bad but eventually I'll have to move on I can't help texting her because I still think I love her so much and can't see where I went wrong so your not along. And good luck with the girl! Rob

Dean, I have the same problem but in reverse and for some reason the older person wins perhaps because she feels more secure with the older bloke. I keep texting my ex to let her who I still love her but no reply. It feels desperate texting her saying I still love her and want her bad but eventually I'll have to move on I can't help texting her because I still think I love her so much and can't see where I went wrong so your not along. And good luck with the girl! Rob

It's so confusing and I think the best thing is knowing you're not alone.

This older guy only got her so fast because he offered the things for why we broke up. He can offer her a house, her job, a change of scenery and he sweet talked her right at her most vulnerable time.

She honestly feels that I was going to dump her first and run off and hated her so much. She is surprised when we talk lately about kids and the future. It's as if she never realised how much I cared. But she just can't decide if she's made the right or wrong decision and if she's on the right path right now.

I keep talking and she replies. She definitely appreciates me as a friend. Even if it's hard to interpret right now while being an emotional wreck in hospital (she's had so many illnesses lately).

But I don't know what this guy is to her. She said she felt she begged me for sex (even though I completely disagree, maybe the past few weeks before break up but I was working so much and not around her).

But the thing is, no-one else can talk to her about it. No-one knows she's with an older person, her family certainly won't approve being the traditional Europeans they are. And her future? How can she be certain? She's interstate, without her closest friends (me and her best girl friend), with someone she's known a couple months...

Very silly and she needs to see it.

Mines the same the friend bit doesn't do it for me, what have I done wrong u know, now I'm left with our Son Jonny.
She just wants us to be friends but she wants me there with her
But she only talks when her boyfriends not around he's a bad Influence on her. But they already had there own child before kelly met me and maybe that's what holding her back. Find out what she likes doing then offer her chances to go with you by saying would you like to do this today. See what happens best of luck!
Maybe you could make out you still want to be friends but build it up again so you get her trust back for you.

I think your still missing the point... She went off and had sex with another guy a week after you broke up. If that does not say " I dont care " I don't know what does, it's a downright slap in the face after 3 years.

Does she OWE it to you to not sleep with anyone for at least a few weeks godforbid... The answer is no but any person that had any consideration for you would wait awhile. Im sure she had her justifying reasons ( she was lonely, trying to fill the gap blah blah blah.) and at least she broke up with you and did not cheat on you so I guess I have to give her some credit.

So you need to decide if it's REALLY worth it to you. Your situation already means that she is looking for "greener grass" and unless your willing to change for that your only prolonging what could be already over and done with. Don't just remember the awesome things about her remember all the S#&T she has put you through take the bad and the good level your head some and decide if you even truly want her back. Because if you do get back together with her somehow you will have to worry about this other guy for awhile and it WILL be a lot of work for both of you.

Even then you HAVE to let her come to you. Try not to contact her too much and let her think about it some to, just back off for the time being.

Very silly and she needs to see it.

There is the BIG thing, she DOES NOT see it because she is way too busy being woo'd by this new man in her life with the nice job, hook-ups, a house and promises of a better life.

Also why do you think she has not told her family? Maybe because she might know at some level that it could be one of those "too good to be true" things and her telling her family will only make her have to take in their responses and possibly shattering this dream she is trying to hold on to and believe in.

There is the BIG thing, she DOES NOT see it because she is way too busy being woo'd by this new man in her life with the nice job, hook-ups, a house and promises of a better life.

Also why do you think she has not told her family? Maybe because she might know at some level that it could be one of those "too good to be true" things and her telling her family will only make her have to take in their responses and possibly shattering this dream she is trying to hold on to and believe in.

In addition to that, they won't approve. She keeps trying to avoid my anger about it also. Her best friend doesn't even seem to know what's going on.

She will wake up one day and realize this. You have to decide on if your going to be around when she does come to her senses... Hell maybe even leak it to somebody in the family.

But hey try not to cry over spilt milk. There also comes a point in life where you have to stop living in a fantasy and realize that running away with a someone twice your age might not work out so well. There will be massive differences in their lifestyles and the different paces of eachothers life might drive them up wall faster than you think once the initial attraction is over.

She will wake up one day and realize this. You have to decide on if your going to be around when she does come to her senses... Hell maybe even leak it to somebody in the family.

Thing is, I want her to know I'm around. But I don't want to make her think I'm okay with what she's done while I wait.

A friend of mine has a fantastic quote about it, something he picked up while being a police officer:

"You've done the wrong thing, but I can help you if you are honest to me and yourself. But if you f-- me over, I'll charge you with every bloody thing I can".



But hey try not to cry over spilt milk. There also comes a point in life where you have to stop living in a fantasy and realize that running away with a someone twice your age might not work out so well. There will be massive differences in their lifestyles and the different paces of eachothers life might drive them up wall faster than you think once the initial attraction is over.

That's the thing, she's so wooed by him. He seems to play everything she wants. I wonder if he even has his own personality...

Okay Guys, Dean and Rob, here is the thing we are all going through this at the same time but mine did not leave with someone older but there is an older gentleman in the picture that she use to see. This is going to be a hard pill to swallow but leave the women alone. Don't call text email anything if they do any of these to you just reply politely and short. They choose already and are keeping you all on the back burners because of comfort or something. You all must realize that you are better than that and that life does go on. Just hang in there and let the fantasies about how perfect the relationship was and then really think about it. It takes A lot of time. Remember there are billions of women out there and some who will love you and only you. Good Luck and God Bless

Okay Guys, Dean and Rob, here is the thing we are all going through this at the same time but mine did not leave with someone older but there is an older gentleman in the picture that she use to see. This is going to be a hard pill to swallow but leave the women alone. Don't call text email anything if they do any of these to you just reply politely and short. They choose already and are keeping you all on the back burners because of comfort or something. You all must realize that you are better than that and that life does go on. Just hang in there and let the fantasies about how perfect the relationship was and then really think about it. It takes ALOT of time. Remember there are billions of women out there and some who will love you and only you. Good Luck and God Bless

And this is where it's so hard.

She kissed me in the hospital when I took her in sic. I was the only one there for her. I asked her why she did that and she said she felt something. She was spontaneous.

It's the reason I try to overlook this rebound.

She let me sleep over at hers when she got back and she even hugged me in her sleep like she used to.

She keeps saying she's not sure about her feelings, but tries to avoid it. When I talk to her, she gets angry.

When I told her it's him or me out of your life forever, she got angry. Said that wasn't a fair choice. I even told her I'm taking our photos off her and she started to accept it. Then quickly said "no, she'll see me soon".


Her best friend recently contacted me asking if I knew why she was moving interstate. I told her it's more than just a job she's been offered. Explained the story with this new guy etc. Her friend hasn't replied since I told her. Someone had to tell her the truth though.

Not sure how her best friend cannot know. But it matches the sudden moves she has made. Heck her clothes are still at my place. She doesn't even realise. But lately she's been wearing new things anyway...

Dean she has moved on and is ashamed of her behavior that is why no one knows, I am telling you I have been through the same thing. The older guy is telling her what she wants to hear and she is taking it hook line and sinker. Her having sex with him that quick after the breakup is like cheating to me. I know it is not but that is a slap in the face. The deal is she is using you because of her confusion and no one knows because she knows it is wrong. If you must hide something then you know it is wrong. Period and she knows. Let her go it is hard I can hardly do it myself, checking my phone and emails to see if she has left any. But I know that I will be better off with out someone like that. It is like the Highlander Movies There can be only one. These women will realize what they have lost and if we are available then maybe but if not THEIR lose not ours.

Dean she has moved on and is ashamed of her behavior that is why no one knows, I am telling you I have been through the exact same thing. The older guy is telling her what she wants to hear and she is taking it hook line and sinker. Her having sex with him that quick after the breakup is like cheating to me. I know it is not but that is a slap in the face. The deal is she is using you because of her confusion and no one knows because she knows it is wrong. If you must hide something then you know it is wrong. Period and she knows. Let her go it is hard I can hardly do it myself, checking my phone and emails to see if she has left any. But I know that I will be better off with out someone like that. It is like the Highlander Movies There can be only one. These women will realize what they have lost and if we are available then maybe but if not THEIR lose not ours.


It angers me so much! After all the begging for a week before she left, she ignored me and told me lies. She welcomed me over, but then lied again.

I don't want her to get away with it. I can't believe the only person who knows is encouraging all of this! I can't believe she can fall so easily. It's not like her!

Just s me to tears, literally. And despite this I still want it all back.

I was trying not to think about it. But lately the sex, TWICE with a new guy is driving me up the ing wall. My sadness has started to turn to severe anger.

Especially now that he has travelled interstate to see her now in hospital. And her relatives will visit and he'll be a "friend".

Yep, you are their play thing when another guy isn't around. Once he comes around, off you go but not too far as she wants to keep you on the hook in case things don't work out.

SHE BANGED A GUY A WEEK AFTER YOU BROKE UP! Does that not scream out to you? Every time you think you want to go back, think of her on her back with him on her. Hope that makes you angry because I know it would tick me off!

If I can just get her to admit it's wrong and face others, she'll see it.

When I said to her in anger "what do you think everyone is going to say?!" She absolutely broke down in tears... but then of course she speaks to the one person who supports her (not him) and she forgets how bad it is.

Problem is I ca't remind her, and he obviously won't.

Yep, you are their play thing when another guy isn't around. Once he comes around, off you go but not too far as she wants to keep you on the hook incase things don't work out.

SHE BANGED A GUY A WEEK AFTER YOU BROKE UP! Does that not scream out to you? Everytime you think you want to go back, think of her on her back with him on her. Hope that makes you angry because I know it would tick me off!

It's beyond angry mate, it makes me sick.

But then the hopeful side of me says it's no different to thinking of past boyfriends before I met her... :S

What a minute dude, while I understand your heartbroken, and hurt, this is something you can't fix, and will waste plenty of time trying. You walk away from a break up, and save your dignity, and self respect, through healing, and regroup, and completely leaving her alone.

You have nothing to do with her, and let her carry on with life, and you do the same.

We all have been through this, and if you read some of the other posts here, you will see that this happens all the time.

I understand your still freshly wounded, and confused, but trying to get answers that she doesn't have, will only keep you in the emotional turmoil your in now.

That's why you leave her alone, and let her do whatever she wants, its her life, and she doesn't want you in it on a relationship level, and your to distressed to just be her friend.

I know you don't like anything I am telling you, but for your own dignity, and self respect, walk away, and read the stickies in this forum, to understand what it is your going through, and what many here have gone through, before you embarrass yourself by not coping with this situation, in a positive way. Healing takes some time, and some work on your part, but is your best course of action to keep you from chasing a changed, confused, female and help you see the reality of your situation, and gives you the tools to cope with your loss, and make some good decisions for yourself. It starts with leaving her alone, and not worrying whether she will miss you, or change her mind, and getting your own self together.

One thing for sure, you can do this the hard way, and make the misery and pain worse, or you can do the work to heal, and deal with the misery, and pain.

Read those stickies, you are not alone. We all go thru this.

Sorry for your loss.

Romefalls is right, he is always right. Just forget her, we most of us guys here are trying and go on with life. It will get better, because as far as our women situations go they can't get worse. She is a tramp just like my ex and played us. Let them with the repercussions not us. Look out ladies here we come.

What a minute dude, while I understand your heartbroken and hurt, this is something you can't fix, and will waste plenty of time trying. You walk away from a break up and save your dignity and self respect thru healing and regroup and completely leaving her alone.

You have nothing to do with her and let her carry on with life and you do the same.

We all have been thru this and if you read some of the other posts here you will see that this happens all the time.

I understand your still freshly wounded and confused, but trying to get answers that she doesn't have will only keep you in the emotional turmoil your in now.

Thats why you leave her alone and let her do whatever she wants, its her life and she doesn't want you in it on a relationship level, and your to distressed to just be her friend.

I know you don't like anything I am telling you, but for your own dignity and self respect walk away and read the stickies in this forum, to understand what it is your going thru and what many here have gone thru, before you embarrass yourself by not coping with this situation in a positive way. Healing takes some time and some work on your part but is your best course of action to keep you from chasing a changed confused female and help you see the reality of your situation, and the tools to cope with your loss, and make some good decisions for yourself. It starts with leaving her alone and not worrying whether she will miss you or change her mind, and getting your own self together.

One thing for sure, you can do this the hard way and make the misery and pain worse, or you can do the work to heal, and deal with the misery and pain.

Read those stickies, you are not alone. We all go thru this. Sorry for your loss.



I've been reading the forum all night. Just hoping I can find a difference between mine and everyone else's... :S

In the meantime, I've gota get my $2000 PC I gave her and I want to take back her 21st present (a photo book of us). But he's at her place while she is in hospital and not sure how todo it.

Give her free space
Try to relax
Tell her you are happy if she is
Involve in other activities which keeps you entertained.
If she is yours, she will definitely come back
If not, she was never yours

Dean, I can tell you right now. You will NOT find a difference between them. Every story is the same, just different players in the chapters. I did the same thing as you, and if you want some hope that things will work out. Since my break up, my gym time took off, then I met the girl I am with now and I've never been happier.

I've been reading the forum all night. Just hoping I can find a difference between mine and everyone else's...


The names may change, but the misery and pain is the same. Getting your stuff, and giving her stuff back, is the only contact you need. Box it up, and take it to her, after you call and let her know what your going to do. Heal, and enjoy your freedom to be happy, eventually.

Just another of lifes sorrows but it will make you a better person in the long run.

Just remember, girls want things they can't have the longer you stay away the better the chances of her coming back. If your always there pestering and being second you will ALWAYS be just her back burner play toy and you don't want that right?

So go NC 100%! If she comes back, she comes back if not your one step closer to being free of your emotional baggage. A Win-Win situation is could be that easy for you.

redwee74, Me and Kelly it's the same but different you know this guy she lives with is fighting his kids and a complete loony he wants blokes and treats Kelly like he's a attention seaker and if he does not get his way he goes of the rails and does stupid things to draw you in. But the thing is Kelly has no time to let her hair down and do the things she likes, Like she did with me when we were together and the only time she gets is when he's not there which is never.
I think time is the biggest killer of relationships and like in some of the replys you guys stated that which is good advice.
Now we have a child who will go to care if her ex has his way so I've stepped in to asure lo's future after all he's my son.

They've lived together a few years before me in this weird friend boyfriend relationship which all started because Kelly (my ex) used to go round his house from her Mum's to make new friends and then she was smack bang right in the middle of Ali's (Her bf) relationship with his wife. Who he left with 3 kids, who in the end went to care.(Andrew who is now Ali used to frighten his kids with going to care if they wouldn't behave and thing's of that nature which scared his kids to death now they don't want to know there Father and are safe from him) I honestly hope Kelly with her learning difficulties can get away from him. If I have to I will do my damnedest to make sure that happens. Sorry about the rant but I had to explain it a bit more to you.

Turns out her best friend had no idea about all this... she's disgusted with her and thinks none of this is really her.

Turns out this guy also has a child... yet she has no idea why he broke up, why he's a single-father with a child.

But at least we've confirmed his a sleeze. When her best friend called up the hospital to talk to her, she put this new person on the phone to her best friend. Everything he said indicated a sly guy.

I'm trying to take in everything here, come to terms with it etc, but I'm really struggling. I'm seeing a shrink tomorrow because I've stressed myself to the point where I can't eat without feeling sick. I know it's not healthy but I can't find the inner strength by myself.

Someone said there is nothing wrong with seeing a shrink so we'll see how it goes.

Dean, sounds like this one has a bad boy complex and likes the jerkoff type. You must cut off all contact immediately. After reading a lot of other questions here, you will notice a pattern in how breakups happen, and some of the reasons. These posts also provide valuable lessons and hidden tips on what NOT to do to prevent these kinds of things from happening..

Your letting this drama get the best of you.

When I told her it's him or me out of your life forever, she got angry. Said that wasn't a fair choice.

Wait... WHAT?
JESUS CHRIST WHAT?

That's got to be the most agitating thing I've read on these forums, ever!
I would hold barely no respect for any person who could say such a thing after doing what your ex did to you, jesus.

Either way, as so many others have already told you, you need to move on. And you need this woman out of your life. It's understandable that you're hurting. Believe me, almost everyone here has been where you are, me included. I remember how even though I was really hurt I kept forgetting about the bad things and instead just thinking I could live with absolutely anything so long as I got her back.

In retroprospect however, these things can never be forgiven. What's your best bet here? That she realizes she's wronged you, comes back to you and you spend the rest of your lives together? I know that if I were you, I'd never fully trust her again. And no matter how you twist and turn things around, the best thing for you right now is to stop being there for her. She treated you like crap and she doesn't deserve you in her life, and you don't deserve mentally breaking yourself down over constantly being there for her. It will only hurt you.

If that were me and I got used or cheated on and told her "It's him or me" and she said that it "wasnt fair" I'd tell her she can go straight to hell and walk away without ever turning back. Why are people like this? I don't get it.

If that were me and I got used or cheated on and told her "It's him or me" and she said that it "wasnt fair" I'd tell her she can go straight to hell and walk away without ever turning back. Why are people like this? I don't get it.


I felt like it, but considering she's in hospital (had some rough times with them lately) hse just breaks down into a mess and starts stressing.

She still had photos of us up in her room, even though this new interest is staying at her place for the next day or two while visiting her in hospital (I'm hoping no-one touched her room and the photos are still there but I have my doubts).

Let the matter rest for awhile. Give everyone (including yourself) some time to let things settle down a bit.

Dean478,The trouble is if she has a kid with this guy, what you going to do then Big Man. Or is this bothering you anyway because if that happens your end up like me and never have a proper relationship. God be with you and hope it works out in your favour. Ask God to help you turn things around and never give up hope OK!

Dean478,The trouble is if she has a kid with this guy, what you gonna do then Big Man. Or is this bothering you anyway because if that happens your end up like me and never have a proper relationship. God be with you and hope it works out in your favour. Ask God to help you turn things around and never give up hope ok!


Nah I mean this kid is his from a past relationship.

She always spoke about kids and of course I said one day (I'm 22 and not quite in my career yet, that's just common sense).

And she wants to get involved with someone with a little girl? He did break up with an ex so that's an awkwards thing I don't think she's quite considered:

-Step Mom because he has an ex
-The child is NOT hers
-Can a 21 year old moving interstate to live with someone she's been with in person for a week actually worth the risk?


This is why I stress that she's just not HEr right now. Everything is out of character and so rushed and unplanned and unfocused... a bit like me... but at least I'm sticking to what I know. :S

Dean478,My relationship with my girlfriend was rushed and Kelly got pregnant and I didn't know until nearly the birth. As much as I wished I never met the girl I wanted it to work out. With so many laws changing about relationships and who has rights it all go so stupid no one really has any freedom anymore do they.

You were dumped, everything involving her is none of your business any more. Time to get your stuff and move on with your own life.

Your still to fresh, but it will settle down to a better routine.

You were dumped, everything involving her is none of your business any more. Time to get your stuff and move on with your own life.

Your still to fresh, but it will settle down to a better routine.


When she sets herself up before dumping me, goes behind my back etc then tries to keep in contact with me, it seems like my business. Especially when she is lying to those around her including family and my own family when she contacts them.

Maybe, but what are you going to do about it? What she did really makes me feel like she is a piece of crap. Sugar daddy found himself a young girl to sucker in with a good job in exchange for some good sex.

If it were me I'd give her a good piece of my mind to attempt to make her feel like the horrible person she is, how vain, how selfish, whatever, and then end this. Don't appologize either.

No it's not your business at all. It's over, it's dead! Move on, pick your b@lls back up off the floor. You are so quick to judge everyone, you judge him for having a child, you say she is incapable of seeing that she is going to be a step mom. You are looking for reasons for her to come crawling back to you, it's not going to happen. She wants a man in a relationship, you my friend, are not acting like a man. You are acting like a little kid who didn't get his toy.