Hello everyone this is my first post.. I have been searching questions online for a great deal of time trying to answer questions in my head and its seems that every question I asked seemed to bring me here.. I thank you in advance for any help you may give me.

A year ago I started dating my Ex.. I was going threw a divorce but the paper work had not gone threw yet so I was still technically married.. I told her that I was single, and lied to her. About a week into the relationship I told her, and she broke up with me.. I begged and got her back..

About 3 months later I found an old friend from high school whom I cared deeply about back then.. I emailed her and we swapped a couple messages back and forth.. One email consisted of how I use to love her.. how I was very sad that we stopped talking and we joked about what it would've been like had I not met my ex wife and her and I been together.. My Ex girlfriend didn't find the situation humours.. and broke it off again.. I fought and got her back..

5 months later a girl I use to talk to and slept with messaged me, I told her that I would've been a good man for her, that I had loved her but she lost me and I didn't want to talk to her.. My Ex was checking my cell phone and saw the messages and broke up with me.. I fought for her and got her back..

I asked her to marry me, she said yes.. She moved in with me around 4 months into the relationship..

A week and a half ago I was at a party with my brother and 3 of his friends.. we were all texting one of the guys cousins whom is female about coming over and playing beer die because we needed another.. My Ex was actually reading the verizonwireless website and checking my messages saw this number and questioned me.. The last fight I did to get her back I promised her I would not talk to woman anymore.. that I was sorry and would never lie to her again. So when she questioned me about the number I paniced... and lied again.. I told her that it was a buddy and that I was just messaging him to say what's up, about 10 minutes later I said I'm sorry, I lied to you it was Jake's cousin, a female and I was just saying what's going on... So she broke up with me.. that was a little over 1 week ago.. I had to move out of our apartment and mvoe into my parents house.


My current situation is that I have lied in the past.. I have had a serious problem with small lies, and then the ones I have mentioned here so she is justified.. she says that she has NO trust for me.. that she has never regained trust for me from the first time she found out about me not being divorced and lying about that.. I truly feel that this woman is the one, I would go to hell and back for her and I would fight until every last piece of me was gone and I had nothing left to give.. She tells me that we will not get back together, that she will never trust me again, and that she can not give me hope because there is none..

So I have fought to get her back and its not working.. Sense the break up we have talked every day, texted every day and saw each other almost every day. On Friday we went out to dinner.. I was hurting really bad and we got into a fight about the situation.. She told me NOT to bring up the situation again and I did that night, So she told me not to talk to her until Monday. On Saturday night I texted her... she called me, and then came over and we went for a ride and talked. Sunday came and I went to her house at 10 with hot choclate and we had breakfast, I helped her move some stuff, then we had lunch where we started talking about us again.. She put her foot down and said its not going to happen, I love you differntly, I want to be your friend.. So I left it at that.. We went to walmart and held hands a little, rubbed her back kissed her head.. we went shopping just for her.. After that we came to my house. I was helping her put pictures up on Facebook, fix her phone, and fix her camera.. while playing around on the computer she is putting her feet on my lap, sitting directly on my lap.. not on my legs or knees.. directly on my lap, and I'm putting my arms around her.. it was so nice I wanted to kiss her, that's how right it felt.. She went home, called me before bed and we had a wonderful talk about life and stuff we could do together.

What do I do.. I fear that if I back off her and just give us both space that she will completely break away, its such a thin line where we are.. Actions have always spoken louder then words to me.. And her actions say she wants to be with me.. I mean seriously we do everything the same as we use to, except we don't have sex and I don't live with her. I want to fight for her SO BADLY, but she keeps saying that I need to move on and that there is no hope that she can regain trust in me again but she does love me and misses me. Ok I'm rambling now.. I just am so confussed, she is the one and I want to be with her forever.

I tried to put everything in there.. I want to stress that I did have a lying problem that I am going to the therapist for now.. trying to sort it out that is something that she wanted.. She has always been worreid about money and I just got a new job which pays good.. She told me that between work, her studying for the CPA exam, and me it was like she had no time to herself, that she always had something going.. I just want to keep adding stuff so everyone gets the whole picture, so if your going to respond your informed as possible.. sorry

In my view

I really think you need time with yourself. To work on your issue and get a better feeling..

Then once you are ready get out there and start dating.

Because what I have read is a real mess.
Do not dig yourself anymore deeper.

Leave relationships for now. And work on the most inportant thing. Which is.

Yourself.

I do agree with you, and I think your correct I DO need to have time for myself.. I have never just had myself.. I wish there was a way to build up myself while keeping her in my life and with me.. I guess my main question is She is saying one thing, and doing another.. I truly feel that if I do not fight and try again, I will regret it forever.. I don't like having regrets and I don't want to wish and hope in the future.

My advice would still be to move on. I know the need to fight is strong but we have to know when its time to stop.

This is not meant for you OK but ill give you an idea.

People that Stalk other people. Say I don't want to let her go. I want to work things out.

They feel that what they are doing is the right thing. And they think it will get there partner back.

Sometimes the best way to fight. Is to not fight at all.

I really do wish you all the best

Regards

Faith

I do appreciate the post very much, I value any opinion given.. I would really like to know what she is thinking.. hanging out all the time, talking all the time.. but she has all the right to change the rules whenever she wants.. She tells me not to be to touchie, yet holds my hand and sits on my lap.. you

I know how it is. It's a shame when they make the rules.

We only let people treat us the way we want to be treated.

So now in the futuer Don't let her Lead you on.
Or make her own rules.

Next time she sits on your lap or tries to touch you go woh woh. This isn't what friends do.

Because I wish I did that with all my friends ;).


Make your own rules.

All the best

Put yourself in her shoes for a minute. She fell for a guy and he disappointed her several times, so naturally it will take time to trust him again.

She obviously still has feelings for you, even if just as a friend now, being as busy as she is lately. But if you give her space and back off, give her time to notice that you are really attempting to change your habits, then you just might gain more back than just friendship.

It will do you a lot of good to use this time to get to know exactly what you want in life yourself, since obviously you have had relationship problems before or you would not have been going through a divorce.

In my opinion, you always needed someone around, but were not too selective or sincere - and now it hits you and it's hard to change bad habits like telling lies to get off the hook.. they just get you deeper.

So, I think you need to continue therapy, work on yourself and take up some activities that will keep you out of trouble from now on. Once she sees that you are sincerely trying to take a better path, she just might want to join you in that journey - but it will be up to her. Don't be too clingy and pushy, accept what she gives you right now if you really want her and just let time do it's thing.

If, in a few months down the road, she still keeps her distance and just wants to be friends, then you can decide if you can cope with that and find another partner. You really need let time and patience work for you.

Nothing in life is a guarantee, not even a break-up like this one as she is not forcing No Contact... and you just might be lucky to regain her trust, depending on how you act from now on. As I said before, just don't be too pushy, clingy or in a hurry.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

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Thank you Chery.. This was pretty much what I was thinking.. I know I can regain her trust and get her back.. its just going to take time. I apprecite the responses

That's what I'm here for dear.

Sometimes it helps when someone looks at it from outside the picture to help you get your perspective.

Just take it slow, listen to the verbal and physical signals from her and try to stay tuned to that. It will help you to understand women in general.

If and when you need a translator, just let me know and I will try and do my best to help you further.

Again, good luck.
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You are way to dependent on her in your life, for this to be healthy. Your feeding that need to have someone at great sacrifice to yourself, and no way are you even close to a healthy, happy relationship, until you get your personal life worked out, and learn to be happy with who you are.

To do that you must first find out who you are, and what you want from life, besides running behind someone for companionship, and love.

You have a lot of work to do on you. Then you can worry about someone else's feelings.

Just to give an update.. Last night I sent her a brief "thank you" text it read, I am sorry for everything I have done and I swear to you that I will not blow this chance.. I will do everything right.. I promise you I will change and prove everything to you again." Basically talking about her giving me the chance to regain her trust.. we aren't dating nor has she given me the chance to date her.. So today now I am not texting her.. was going to wait to hear from her.. see if she would text me.. I had a job interview this morning and she told me to get a hold of her when it was done.. but I want to try to not always be the first to make contact.. When/IF she does make contact.. what should I do? How should I play this out?

If she contacts you to ask how the interview went, let her know if you want to. After that, let her take the lead - if she wants to cut the conversation short, say OK, talk to you later. If she wants to continue, just be normal as if talking to any one of your other friends.

I think at this point she is in the 'helper' mode and you can choose to accept that or not. Don't forget that you met her on the 'rebound' during a divorce, so you do have a lot to work on with yourself.

As Tal said, you need to get your identity stabilized and find out if you can live with yourself as you are right now or if there is room for improvement and this is something that does not happen overnight. Get your good job, a nice home-base, and a good feeling about yourself.

Concentrate on a relationship with yourself and not with her, except for a good friendship that MIGHT benefit both of you later. But, it will take time.

So, TIME, and inner balance are the keys here...

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Don't make any promises you can't keep to her or to yourself yet.

how should I play this out?
Stop getting carried away by your own feelings. B-A-L-A-N-C-E!



Concentrate on a relationship with yourself and not with her, except for a good friendship that MIGHT benefit both of you later. But, it will take time.



What's the hurry??


TIME, and inner balance are the keys here...


Says it all.

I get what your saying.. BTW my interview as at 9:30 she got a hold of me at 10:45 asking " Is your interview done??" I don't understand this "helper" mode.. I don't understand how she can be so eager to talk to me all the time.. I want to be her friend but of course I am thinking something completely different, I am trying to rebuild a relationship.. Do you think by her actions she is meanign what she is saying? Or that she is simply testing me to see if I really want to change? I just think she is saying one thing to get a fire under my butt to make me do stuff and change.. but really loves me and wants to be with me.

You have potential, and she is afraid of pushing you away. How long that keeps her interested, is another matter.

So keep being there for her whenever she needs it? Stay close, prove myself.. keep going on dates.. having fun? We are going to pick up pumpkins to carve for halloween.. stuff like that

Generally, a man thinks he has to put his Mr. Fixit Cap on and take charge of things right away... always busy,busy,busy and get the job done.

A woman thinks she has to soothe, encourage and help no matter how long it takes - and she usually does not want to be rushed into things. She wants to be able to sit back and reflect on the good job she did helping...

That's a small taste of the differences between men and women.

So, she's taking her actions the way she sees them, just as that and not giving you signals that you think you read. You are in too much of a hurry to join the two into a relationship but she's not on the 'racetrack' like you are. So, again, take it slow and don't try to read her. You can barely read yourself at this state, for goodness sakes.

Sit back, relax and let her take the lead while you take some serious time in getting to know YOU without having to have someone with you all the time.

Listen to some good sounds, take up some sports, read a good book, watch a few comedies... anything that will take your mind off what you think she's thinking and start thinking of WHY you have to think for someone else in the first place - and talk to your therapist about them.

We don't always have to analyze or 'understand' the helper mode or any mode for that matter, just accept it as it is - it's that simple. She cannot change you, only you can do that and she knows this. She will however, enjoy and appreciate the efforts you take to do so - but again NOT overnight. Think TIME!

Time to think of HOW will she know you've changed and not WHEN - there's the difference. While you will think of HOW she feels about you now and not WHEN will she feel more comfortable... And if she did not care about you she'd be out of you life - that should be enough for now.

If you cannot wait, then it's time to forget about her and look for someone that does not know your past history and start over... but you will remember, and if your memories are not that cool, then you've got more work to do so that you can be fair to yourself and anyone else in your life.

Wow, this is almost a book, but I sincerely hope that I've got my point across.

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You're a very smart woman :) I wish I had you you on my AIM list so we could just have a conversation.. haha.. You did get your point a cross.. I was asking about the "Helper" mode because I was wondering if it meant she was just trying to make things easier for me.. But had no interest in getting back together.. if this was the case I would break contact and move on, I don't want someone babying me just because they don't want me to be too hurt. If she cares and Helper mode is a way to stay in contact with me while I do make these chagnes then GREAT I will appreciate her even more.

Actually my AIM is in my profile.. ;-) haha

Thanks for the compliment dear.
I hate to SMS on cell phones, I don't enjoy 'texting' on any messenger because what I have to say comes from inside and cannot be expressed in the 'new-fangled' language that not all understand. I find it frustrating.

The only people I open my messenger or webcam to are my immediate family -and by appointment.

But rest assured, there will always be someone here on this site 24/7 to help you - and people from all over the world, so you can't go wrong staying here with us.

Til next time,

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So she called me at lunch time.. aka 2 minutes ago and wanted to know everything about the job. As soon as I told her she said she needed to go because she has to study (for the CPA test coming in 1 month) so I let her go.. asked if maybe I could come over later but again she said she needed to study. She is making the contact, I am trying to capatilize on it.. I REALLY DON'T know how to take her signals.. She cares so much for me its obvious.. we have plans to do stuff during the week so its not like she is avoiding me.. Plus this is a really bad week for her as with the break up she has fallen behind in her studies. Every day that goes by I feel like she gets more comfortable with me, but I don't want to assume something, get my hopes up and be in this situation again.. Im looking for a woman glyph reader that can maybe unscramble what's going on.. say one thing do another.. I don't get it

5 minutes after we hung up the phone I receive this text "im sorry i just ahve so little time right now and im trying tos hard to get this studying done and pass my exam so its behind me and i dont have to worry about it anymore. Im sorry i don't have any time."

My reply" I am here for you, to be understanding and help you."

Insight?

Im sorry for this I hit submit too soon she replied to me "I haven't forgotten you, its just that in this case you can't help me. Its something i have to do alone and unfortunately takes up most of my time."

She is making the contact, I am trying to capatilize on it.. I REALLY DON'T know how to take her signals..

I would love to reach through this computer, and make you relax. Let her study, and find a life that you enjoy without her in it. In a nutshell, that's your problem!! You have no life of your own.

Even if you had a female that didn't mind you being in her face all the time, you still wouldn't be happy.

Your pushing way to hard!!!!

Am I aloud to bump? Hehe really curious what anyone thinks about our text conversation

am i aloud to bump? hehe really curious what anyone thinks about our text convo
Your pushing way to hard and need to get a life of your own! She sounds cool though. She probably catches hell from slowing your needy butt, down to reality though.

Dude you have to sierously relax

This is not health.
You will push her away if you keep on like this. Do some stuff on your own
Get your own life.

I mean wow.. as I said before work on yourself. And just take it easy with the girl

We think you're reading mountains into these simple molehills. Her words mean EXACTLY what she said, nothing more. Anything you add is just fantasy. You can do that, I'll admit, but we can't tell you your added fantasy thoughts mean anything, can we?

You can believe what she says. If she changes her mind and SAYS something completely different, then you can believe that. I'm sure she MEANS what she says when she says it.

If she says she's too busy to date seriously, but still texts you and calls on occasion, then you can believe she's too busy to date seriously but has time for a phone or text conversation.

You title this thread confusing signals, but there's nothing confusing here except maybe the stuff you're adding back on top. As soon you stop doing that... look! No more confusion.

What part of 'don't push'; 'let her take the lead'; 'relax'; 'TIME' did you not understand???

She does not need to hear from a guy who messed up that 'you'll be there for her and understand and want to help' because we know that you don't really mean that. The real translation is that 'I want to see you and want to be understood and helped by you some more'.

She understands exactly where you are coming from. She is giving you her little finger and you are GRABBING the whole hand here.

Get your personal life in order and your state of mind balanced. Stop being clingy and needy or you'll turn her off and she'll be out faster than you can blink.

Was that female glyph enough? She's telling it like it is, plain and simple, - no need to look for smoke signals or anything else.

You want her confirmation that you are an OK guy after all... but you are NOT, not yet - AND YOU KNOW IT. You messed up and she is giving you a chance, so listen up and back off. Talk to your therapist, talk to friends, but give her space or she will not give you another chance.

You don't listen. It frustrates me because I feel I'm wasting my time explaining things to you and you only catch a few words that make you feel better.

I hope my signals are strong enough now! I only know you for a few hours, but if it were me, I'd be gone already.

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Im sorry.. I'm listening to every word you said.. I have not contact her today, she has contacted me every time and I just talk to her until she says OK see you! Then I don't contact her again. I am scared, and hurt, but I am doing what your saying. Im feeling out all the answers.. trying to mesh them all together to get one big picture. Im not ignoring or counting out anything. Im sorry if you got frustrated thinking I wasn't listening to what you where saying, and your right it's a weakness of mine I just want to hear people say Ryan, she is giving you another chance to prove yourself, just do this.. Like you said.. Thank you

Im going to be honest and I don't want you to be upset again like I'm not listening to what your saying.. because I am.. But I know what needs to be done, I know the steps I need to take.. I just wanted to hear from people that she was in fact giving me another chance.. I don't know why, but that's what I had hoped for...

Its tough love man.

If we didn't care. We wouldn't act like this.
That's why I get so hot headed at times.

Remember that.

We all want you to do better and get better.

I know you do, I wasn't getting upset with you.. I know what I NEED to do and I am GOING to do it.. I don't know why I want to just hear people say it.. and it sounds pathetic.. but I want to know if people really think she is giving me another shot.. or if she's not.. don't know why, but it means a lot that I hear opinions.

Haha I'm going to get flamed for doing this.. but I found a song that actually is EXACTLY how I feel. Wanted to share it.

Here by me by 3 doors down

I hope you're doing fine out there without me
'Cause I'm not doing so good without you
The things I thought you'd never know about me
Were the things I guess you always understood

So how could I have been so blind for all these years?
Guess I only see the truth through all this fear,
And living without you…

And everything I have in this world
And all that I'll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.

I can't take another day without you
'Cause baby, I could never make it on my own
I've been waiting so long, just to hold you
And to be back in your arms where I belong

Sorry I can't always find the words to say
But everything I've ever known gets swept away
Inside of your love…

And everything I have in this world
And all that I'll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.

As the days grow long I see
That time is standing still for me
When you're not here

Sorry I can't always find the words to say
Everything I've ever known gets swept away
Inside of your love

And everything I have in this world
And all that I'll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.

And everything I have in this world
And all that I'll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.

We know it's your decision dear,and I do hope you get to your goal, but please remember that she has a lot on her mind and needs some time, so send her eCards, flowers, poems, but don't demand any more of her time than what she is offering right now.

There is a point to the phrase ''all good things come to those who wait''.

And you need to wait for the right opportunity. When she has less stress and spends time with you to unwind. And have some fun. Until then, spend some time doing something constructive for yourself and stay busy.

Can you do that?

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Cozie

We all have songs that sums up our lives or our relationships :)

And you want to know something.
That was my song to for a while lol

3 doors down is great.

I use to listen to Old town by thin lizzy
Or Shine acoustic by muse

But yeah that's for a different topic :P

I am doing it and trying very hard. She told me last night when she called me to say goodnight (we do it every night) That she promisedme every free second she had she would spend it with me because I was her best friend. I think that with time and her seeing I'm getting my stuff put back together that her and I will be together again.. I just need to be patient and do the right things.

Thank you every one.. I know what I need to do know, and I feel confident that I can get her to come back to me so we can give it another shot, I just need to put in the time and get to know myself and improve myself. I think she is taking some time to trust me again and see if I am getting my life in order.. I think she is pushing me away so that I do feel separate from her to see how I act on my own.. But I really feel like even just over the course of the past few days she is talking to me more and letting me in more. I just need to play it cool and wait for it to happen. I just hope to god that she really just does see me as a friend, and that she really is just going to be friends with me and this is how its going to be.. I just can't believe she doesn't have feelings anymore so I have to hope.. Anyway.. Play it cool, get to know myself.. relax.

Thank you every one.. i know what i need to do know, and i feel confident that i can get her to come back to me so we can give it another shot, i just need to put in the time and get to know myself and improve myself. I think she is taking some time to trust me again and see if i am getting my life in order.. i think she is pushing me away so that i do feel seperate from her to see how i act on my own.. But i really feel like even just over the course of the past few days she is talking to me more and letting me in more. I just need to play it cool and wait for it to happen. I just hope to god that she really just does see me as a friend, and that she really is just going to be friends with me and this is how its going to be.. I just can't believe she doesn't have feelings anymore so i have to hope.. Anyway.. Play it cool, get to know myself.. relax.

I truly hope you mean that. And if you start slipping, come back and read what you just wrote here to remind yourself.

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Hope I'm right

I misspoke in that sentence, I meant to say I hope to god she DOESN'T just see me as a friend, and that she DOES still have feelings for me so we can work on something in the future.. that's what is hurting the most.. if I could crawl into her head and see how she felt, if she felt hope that I would change and that it was another chance she was giving me, it would make this SO much easier.

I know what you meant.. But get it through your head, this is not meant to be easy on you or you will not learn your lesson. You're slipping again...
Get into your own head and straighten it out - do some serious house-cleaning in there first. Leave her space!

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If you would relax, and work on yourself, its easier to just pay attention, and talk honestly, and work on things.

Then you don't have to assume or wonder.

From what you have written, you better get busy, and solve your own problems, and get healthy.

I must say you give others such good suggestions, take a few of them to heart.

Ok HELP! She called me at lunch and said how hungry she was and missed me, so I said Well tell you what I will come over and cook you supper fast tonight and then leave, so then she goes on this big thing about "I really hope your not being nice to me in hopes that we will get back together, becqause like i said before i don't think i will ever be able to trust you in that way again." I was not even DOING anything, at all.. WHAT do I DO?

Well, I guess you have to do some cooking and then leave after the meal. Be cordial, ask her how her day was (without interrupting and needing to fix anything if it went wrong) - just listen. Then give her a hug or a kiss on the cheek and say goodnight - that's all.

We are telling you that it will take a long time before she regains trust, and you know that, so again and again, DON'T PUSH IT and don't hope for things to change overnight.

As I said before accept what she offers now and cope or leave her completely alone and look for someone else. Plainer than that, I cannot get.

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Go out on your own tomorrow night, or make plans for halloween with other friends.. don't stay home just waiting for her to call.. NOT GOOD!

Wow it was just really hurtful that her and I have no been speaking a lot we have not talked about our relationship or anything for about 3 days... yet she decides to drop this on me? It really feels like she TOTALLY doesn't want to ever have a relationship again? I am making plans, After today I won't see her again until Sunday as I am doing stuff with friends.. But seriously, do you think she keeps bringing it up because she REALLY does mean it? That like she never does intend on ever getting back with me again? Im not trying to be thick skulled here, I totally agree with you and understand what your saying... what is she thinking...

Im sorry I missed a line when reading, you say forget her and move on completely.. searching for someone new.. So basically I need to let her go, and forget about getting back together with her.

Ok don't cook for her!
That's for damn sure

Just give her space and do your own thing.

I would even go so far as to say don't bother with her. Unless you really see something very special in her.


Good luck

Damn... so its time for no contact and to move on isn't it... How can she want to spend time with me and then KEEP TELLING ME how we are not getting back together.. not now, not 3 months from now.. I am playing it cool, letting her get a hold of me, doing stuff for myself.. WHY does she keep bringing up the fact that we are broken up? I don't get it.. its like to rehurt me all over again.

what is she thinking...

That's none of your concern.. It's what she's saying that you have to listen to and take it to heart for now. We all know that minds can change, but only if and when she feels like it. Nobody can control this.

You should not have jumped in and suggested cooking, she was just making conversation and when a woman talks about things it does not mean you automatically have to fix it... just should have listened- but your Mr. Fixit mode jumped in and you are not in any position to fix anything right now except working on yourself.

Do not bring up any relationship subjects at dinner, tell her of your plans and listen to what she says about her's and that's it. Take your mind off this one track or you will loose the race... be a friend PERIOD. From now on please don't be too quick to offer to do stuff for her, she's a big girl.

Now, you try and be a big boy and stop placing her first... learn to live with yourself and like it, then you can share it. Get it?

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I get it.. Ryan needs to move on, think for himself, and understand her and I are done. Not that I'm trying to repair our relationship but that we are done, and I need to do things for myself.. I honestly just now understand this.. I have been thinking up until this point that I was still trying to fix our relationship while working on myself, but I get you.. I have to not even try to fix her and I at all, and drift away and learn to be myself.. Ok wow, we really are totally done.

I have such a sour taste in my mouth for love right now.. its going to take a while for me to let anyone in again.. a long while.

I personaly don't think you gave yourself enough time after your other relationship ended.

Take as much time as you need :)

All the best

I didn't say that.

If all you want is someone to take the place of your ex-wife next to you in bed in the morning because you can't stand to be alone, then yes, go..

But if you can imagine a friendship with truthful, sincere and meaningful times and fun - and eventually more - but in months or even a year from now -, then accept this help, and that of your therapist, and just lay back and enjoy her company.

No matter what you decide, I don't think it would be a good idea to find another woman to replace either one of them yet because it would be unfair to her. You are not ready for a meaningful and honest relationship yet as you are confused and in a rush to find a substitute to fill your loneliness. Please don't do that to yourself. You need to like and respect yourself again and that will take a little work.

So, please stop pouting and thinking fatalisticly ahead. Stand up and do something about it - set a realistic goal and work to reach it.

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Chery is being nice, but your really being a selfish idiot.

Don't you know how to be a happy person, and pleasant, and comfortable to be around??

Have you no charm?? Sense of humor?? Know when to shut up??

What did you do to catch her attention, and interest before??

Go back and get it, from where you put it.

Ryan, where are you? You are talking about yourself as a 'Third person', and you are basically not wrong here..

There are three individuals in each of us: Me, Myself, and I.
Me, the Infant, Myself, the adolescent and I, the adult..

Well, when one is stronger than the others, you're off balance.

The 'me' in you wants to cry or smash things right now because he can't have his toy.

The 'myself' in you is feeling sorry for himself because he got a little rejected and his ego is hurt and he does not want to remember that he's the one who messed up in the first place by playing a game.

And the 'adult' probably wants to go out and get drunk and laid because the other two are predominant right now. You need to get that adult back to reality before you screw up some more.

I hope you read this before you go to cook for her because I really don't want you to push a friend away just because she didn't want to get as close as you wanted - that's childish.

Crossing my fingers...

Ok, I will be her friend.. Thank you people.

Ok, i will be her friend.. Thank you people.

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This is how I picture you right now...

Stand up, be optimistic and give yourself a chance! Right now, you can use all the friends you've got... so don't push them away. A time will come when you've got your pep back - so do as Tal said, keep on looking for those qualities you've lost - and then gain some more while you're at it.

You guys have always been right, and I am seeing it and understand.. I can't think about relationships, I need to think about ME. I need to just not be so available to her and do things for me instead of always doing everything for her. Its going to be a hard road I know, especially if she starts dating someone. That's probably when I will do NC, lol.. But hopefully things work out with her and I in the long run.. I REALLY NEED to get to know me, and my son, and my job.. and my life.

You guys are awesome though.. This is my plan of action.. Im going to REALLY limit my contact with her and let her contact me, I am not going to put myself out there for her and I am going to get my life together. I don't want to NOT call her as I don't want to completely eliminate conversation but maybe once or twice a week.. I just don't know HOW MUCH contact is acceptable, I want to do what's right. But I do see that I have to move on now.

Believe me, your son will benefit from a father that has his head together too.

You know what to do, and I wish you lots of luck.

Going to call it a day now, so talk to you later.

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Well I just got back from dinner, she gave me a HUGE hug when I got there because I picked up some pickles that she loves.. but um she asked me to get. Anyway we just talked about normal stuff, nothing too serious, her test and what not. She started asking me about girls, and if I was talking to anyone and stuff like that.. which I avoided.. when it was time to go she gave me a huge hug again and said she couldn't wait to talk tomorrow.. This is going to suck so badly

LoL This is going to suck so badly!

Im sorry for laughing but the way you put that was so perfect.

Its just how us guys feel when we are put in the
FRIENDS ZONE


You do know the asking about girl part. Is so a way to say ohh I hope he has found someone else.. I mean you know how that feels when a girl you like asks you if you are talking to any girl

Its like No I'm here with you. You muppet!
Now 2 options here wait around and see if feelings come out. (Mehh)

I would personal leave as if I had as strong feelings for her as you do
My option is to save myself.
And being friends with someone you love.
Well there is nothing worst than that..

No need to be her girlfriend man
If she asks why
Say you want more and are just not in the same place as she is.

ARg, I was afraid someone was going to say that... I was going to see about giving it time.. see if either she came around to trying again, or I came around to being OK with just being her friend
Whichever occurred first

I really don't think I will be in friends zone forever.. I don't know why I can say this.. but I just really feel that once her test is done, I bet money she lets me in again.. she is just too stressed right now to deal with it with everything else..

Well.
If she did have feelings for you. She would not let you go.. and would probable give you a little hint that after all her crazy tests are done. You guys can have fun

It seems to me she has given no such sign.

But! The best thing about humans is. You never know what there going to do!

So good luck :)

I guess I don't know what you mean.. We are planning a trip to take her test together.. the end of November and staying the night down there.. We are going to go see a movie on Sunday together.. her idea... what do you mean?

Ok, I'm going to take a shot at this. Ok, first of all... the whole "friend" thing rarely ever works after you've dated someone. Girls will try this more often than guys will because, I'll tell you a little secret: if a girl is hanging around you after a supposed breakup, more than likely she's sticking around because she doesn't want you dating other people right then, but at the same time she wants to keep her options open as well or in her case she may to busy to know what she really wants relationship wise at the moment and wants you around just in case she changes her mind. Also, she's mad at you and she's showing it by saying " I just want to be friends". You hurt her badly and she knows you still want her. She's using this as an advantage to hurt you back. She knows from watching you that you only become super fond of her if she's unavailable. I mean, you didn't really take the relationship seriously when you did have her. She knows that and she's made herself unavailable to you emotionally by saying "I just want to be friends." She is feeling wanted right now because you are there at her beck and call... and that my friend lets her get what she is needing at the moment. I'm sure she has sincere feelings for you and she may not even realize that she's doing this... but I've seen it all before. She's told you to move on but she knows that you won't because you've already told her that you'll do anything to prove to her that you want to be with her.
Now I'm going to address you. Ok, what's wrong with relationships nowadays is that people have become addicted to passion. If someone ain't having a passionate moment or some kind of drama going on, they get bored. My theory on this is that we watch too many movies and people nowadays are seeking instant gratification no matter what the price. I think some people actually think that the ending of their drama is going to turn out to be a "happily ever after" situation no matter what happens. Obviously you haven't truly seen that yet, because you came on here hoping that someone would tell you that you have another chance with this girl. You are scared right now because reality may truly hit you this time that things may not turn out well. You have been addicted to relationships and you keep going from person to person because once the mundane hits you after being in a relationship for a while, you get bored and find a way to split in the form of lie or deception. I believe you do have sincere, genuine feelings for this girl, but because she is rejecting you... that makes you want to fight harder to get her back. Once you finally get her back and you've made all the passionate make-up sex that your bodies can handle, you have the long romantic dates, and you've spent all most every waking moment together... what happens then? Things start becoming normal. You come home from work and turn on the TV. You eat together and find nothing super exciting to talk about. You go to bed and the next day begins and ends the same way. There's no more big plans to make or big fights to work out. Will you be bored? Will she be bored? If you are bored and if she gets bored, did you really have what you thought was love in the first place or was the chase what fulfilled you for the short while? You've spent a lot of energy on women and relationships. Some people here are telling you to think about YOU right now and get YOU fixed. I think it will only make you more self centered. You have a son and there are many people in the world in need of good friends. Give yourself to those people. Let every thought you have be about someone who truly needs you right now. Keep going to a therapist but then do some charity work... spend time doing what your son likes to do. If you take the focus off you and what you want for a while, maybe you'll see simplistic beauty in the world. Take a break from thinking about what this girl needs so much and if she wants you, and put your pondering brain to good use in thinking about other people. Enjoy routine life... enjoy life without seeking the next thrill of emotional adrenaline rush. When you truly understand love, you'll realize it's not someone you have to win over. True love happens when you and the other person no longer need to earn anything from each other. You just simply enjoy the time spent together rather than taking that person for granted.

Thank you for the answer, I appreciate it.. I really hope that I can regain her trust, gain her back and become myself over the next few months.. But first of all I hope to regain myself.. I hope that in the end everything works out

. You have a son and there are many people in the world in need of good friends. Give yourself to those people. Let every thought you have be about someone who truly needs you right now. Keep going to a therapist but then do some charity work...spend time doing what your son likes to do. If you take the focus off of you and what you want for a while, maybe you'll see simplistic beauty in the world. Take a break from thinking about what this girl needs so much and if she wants you, and put your pondering brain to good use in thinking about other people. Enjoy routine life...enjoy life without seeking the next thrill of emotional adrenaline rush. When you truly understand love, you'll realize it's not someone you have to win over. True love happens when you and the other person no longer need to earn anything from eachother. You just simply enjoy the time spent together rather than taking that person for granted.

I like the way you put this piece of 'reality' in your post. All of it was sincere and to the point.

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You really need to work on yourself if you are so easy to jump into sadness again just because one poster said something negative.. Our advice is to help you along and decide for yourself, not take each word as gospel, for goodness sakes!

Look.. it's your life here and you know better than any one of us what you did and what you have to work on - and the possibilities for your future if you continue to have patience.

You also have some Quality Time to spend with your son, so that Adult in you has to take the upper hand, not the school boy in lust.

I'm glad that you finally notice that she does have a few things in her life to take care of and she is not as apt to loose her head as you are. Learn from that.

TrueFaith has forgotten the fact that you screwed up and she is giving you a chance to be a friend so she has not totally written you off as a blunderer. Think positive for goodness sakes, but don't think bedroom yet!

We admit that the percentages are low going from friendship to more, but it is possible in the long-run. It depends on the individuals involved and how they advance. Plus, that adult in you should know the difference between love and lust, and you are in the 'need lust' mode - don't deny it.

Now, go and do something fun with your son and have a good upcoming weekend!
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So Friday my son and I are going trick or treating! Woot, then my brother and a couple of buddies are going to a halloween party.. Saturday morning we are getting up and traveling about 6 hours to go to a octoberfest party, and then we are going to a great big sea concert. Going to be a blast.. And update on her and I, I have no intention of just texting her out of the blue, she can get a hold of me.. This morning she shot me a message on Facebook to tell Hi,
It appears I have left my phone at home today by accident. So don't think because I'm not texting you that I don't want to talk to you OK? Will talk as soon as I can.
See you.
:-)

Only problem is I DID need to get a hold of her so ic alled her office to ask her about the money she was going to xfer into my account. After we hung up she got on Facebook and said.. I just wanted to take an oppurtunity to say hi to you one more time, didn't want to miss that chance. Said that she was going to try to get on at lunch time and I should try to meet her there, and that she would call me as soon as she got home from work.. arg

Thank you for the answer, i appreciate it.. I really hope that i can regain her trust, gain her back and become myself over the next few months.. But first of all i hope to regain myself.. I hope that in the end everything works out


You say you want to regain her trust and regain yourself. A person is like a garden. However much work you put into a garden is going to be a big determining factor for how much your garden yields. You are standing by, watering the garden here and there, watching and waiting impatiently to get what you want without even thinking about pulling weeds and fertilizing. This is your life... You are doing what YOU think will help you get the results that you want without trying to do the things you KNOW that you have to do in order to be OK. How will you regain yourself if you are not putting healthy choices first in your life? Is it really healthy to think about getting this girl back right now when you are a mess? What do you mean "I hope I can become myself over the next few months."? Even in the midst of good people giving you advice, you are still trying to blow over what the real issues are. I do not think you came on here for advice. I think you just truly wanted someone to tell you that you have another chance with this girl. I don't think you ever truly wanted to have a revalation in your life or try to make change. You want to appear to be changing right now because you think it will yield the fastest results... getting this girl back. I can guarantee you that you will be in this position over and over again until you make necessary, lasting change. I know this because my husband and I almost lost our marriage over making short term changes versus long term changes. We'd act like we were making changes for a short while to get back into eachother's good graces, then when we felt comfortable with things going well again... we'd go and make the same idiotic mistakes all over again. True love takes sacrifice... no, not temporary sacrifice... long lasting, grueling, painful change. My friend, you have a long road ahead of you.

Only problem is i DID need to get a hold of her so ic alled her office to ask her about the money she was going to xfer into my account.

This is the first time you've mentioned that there is money involved. Care to tell us more about this, please. And, if there is anything else that you maybe forgot to mention, don't make me beg or draw it out piece by piece - I'm not one of the girls you have to conceal or lie to to look good.

I don't know how long my cancer will let me stay on this planet, but I certainly don't want to waste my time trying to help when I cannot see the 'whole picture'. And on this one, it seems the paint is not totally dry yet, first the son was added, and now the money OK -... out with it!

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This is the first time you've mentioned that there is money involved. Care to tell us more about this, please. And, if there is anything else that you maybe forgot to mention, don't make me beg or draw it out piece by piece -
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Yes, I agree with this. Why are you giving her money?

Oh when I moved out of the apartment my bed was left there, she just bought my bed. She needed a bed.. so I sold it to her cheap.. that's all

I guess I didn't think my son who doesn't live with me full time and her buying my bed from me was important info to the situation.. I'm sorry.. I bought the bed when her and I started dating, and I just couldn't keep it, it was too hard.. So I'm taking the money from the bed and going on that trip I described earlier.. as for my son he stays with me 2 nights a week and comes to supper 1 night week.

I guess i didn't think my son who doesn't live with me full time and her buying my bed from me was important info to the situation,

Your son is important in the situation... the bed thing isn't. It just sounded funny when you said you were waiting for her to transfer some money to your account. That's all.

Ya, I'm sorry... I wasn't lying or holding out information on purpose..

And I'm not upset or talking back or anything by this, But I did NOT take advantage of her in our relationship.. I told her and showed her EVERY DAY that I loved her and that she meant the world to me, I made a POINT of it.

I found this message from Heidi from a couple days ago.. wanted to share it and see what you guys think. Don't ream me out I know what I think about it.. I know this pretty much means what it says, we are done.

Yes, that, and I tell you that I can't trust you again enough to be together, I tell you that YOU chosing to end what we had with a broken promise and a stupid lie, when you KNEW that would happen as a result, changed everything for me, no baby steps, no trying things slow for now, you broke my heart, you ended this, you severed the connection between us that allowed us to be together, any trust that was left between us, and you want me to just put that aside, forget it and move on and that can't be... I gave you chance after chance. I gave you one last big chance to do something, to go to therapy, to stop lying, to show me I could trust you, and you blew it, you don't get that chance again

i gave you one last big chance to do something, to go to therapy, to stop lying, to show me i could trust you, and you blew it, you dont get that chance again

OK, I thought that you were in therapy and that you stopped the lies..
If you are not see a therapist, then collect your money for the bed, and prepare to be just a friend from now on, but on your terms, not every time she calls, but when you feel like you can cope with her company without wanting more. Act cool and collected, get your life together and maybe she'll start missing you, your charm and humor - but noting in life is a guarantee - and you know that.

Have a good upcoming weekend and don't mope around, please!

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I know that I am late to the show here but, criminy man, get your head out of your arse. Is the terminology "leading you on" to old for you to have heard before? She doesn't want you, she just enjoys the chase. You have a dependent personality. The best advise you have gotten all along is move on. I could be wrong but I don't remember having seen you say that you love her. You are spending way too much time on this. Imagine what other things you could be doing with the time you are spending here. Your life has got to be suffering. Your productivity has to be down. They have told you to relax, you don't know how. Drama is your hobby. And quit playing the "yes, but" game. I know I sound hard, but I think that's the only way you listen. Get yourself grounded, bring in your marginal edges to a manageble level and focus on something worthwhile that you can build yourself esteem with, cause man, you are all over the place.