Hi... I have a lot of things on my mind. I'd just like some people to talk to to maybe clear some stuff up or just be there for emotional support. Things haven't been the best for me lately and some not so great things have happened to me. I'm really confused about a lot of things and think talking to other people might help. Most of it has to do with sexual abuse, if you can even call it that. I just don't know. Maybe if I knew what it was classified as, I might be able to accept it and get over it. Whoever is willing to listen to my stories, you're help is greatly welcome.

We are all here to listen, and will help if we can, so go ahead if you are up for it. No pressure

Yes, we're here to talk. This is 100% confidential and anonymous.

Ok, so... here's one of my stories, the one I'm most confused about.
Over the summer I was on vacation and started hanging out with some people I met by the pool. Most of them were around my age, both girls and guys. The uncle of some of them was also there. We hung out all day and into the night. The uncle offered me a beer at around 3 or so in the afternoon, and I continued drinking throughout the day and night. Every time I finished I was handed another. After about 3 am everything gets really blurry and there is one period that is totally blank... which may have been the most important point of the night. One minute I was in the bathroom, the next I was alone with the uncle (age 49) in his bedroom and we were kissing. My memory is in and out from here on out, but we ended up having sex. I left around 6 am when everyone was sleeping and went back to my room. I never actually said no, but I don't remember much of the night either. I don't really know what to think about it. I'm 20 by the way. So any insight would be helpful. I'm so confused :-\

Yes, if he took advantage of you.

I'd say it was, because it was done without consent and you were under the influence, so you had no idea what was going on, but you said you didn't say no, which does raise a point the uncle could argue

What a creep that man was. I don't know much about rape law, and I suspect he would argue it was consensual, especially as you are over 18. But I think he planned to get you drunk and do that to you. It is not your fault, but you would have been in a better position to fend him off if you had refused the drinks. I would call it a rape, but don't know what a lawyer would call it.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. How have you been feeling?

I've just been feeling really confuesed ever since this happened. I know I definitely would not have agreed to this if I had been sobor. My ex-boyfriend keeps saying that it's not entirely my fault, but I am partially to blame because I drank too much around people I didn't know. I do understand that this was not a smart thing to do, and put me in a vulnerable state, but he still had no right to do what he did, though I still can't help but blame myself sometimes. Then when I start to think it was my fault I feel like a complete whore. I mean, I slept with someone older than my dad, and that just makes me feel awful.

Another thing is, after the uncle was done, and said he could no longer continue, I guess I still wanted to go on. (I talked to the uncle the next morning to try to fill in some of the blank parts of my memory.) One of his nephews was passed out on the couch right next to the bed, so he woke him up and said that he needed to get up and have sex with me right now because he could no longer do it. Reluctantly the nephew got up, but he was really confused as to what was going on. The uncle just kept yelling at him, telling him he needed to sleep with me because he couldn't anymore. So the nephew, I think he was 18, and I ended up having sex too. This just added to my feelings of worthlessness and confusion. I felt so used...

I hope you are not assuming they are telling you the truth. Don't accept anything they tell you as an accurate account of what happened. They know what rape is and have every reason to give you a self serving account of what happened, especially knowing that you yourself can't remember most of it.

That's WHY the 49 year old gave you that first drink--and all the others. The purpose of the drinks was to incapacitate you so he could take advantage, leave you unable to remember what happened, and leave you feeling that it was partly your fault.

This was a premeditated rape. What happened between the uncle and his nephew is interesting. If what they say is even accurate, it sounds like the uncle was trying to incriminate the nephew so he wouldn't talk to his parents or others. Or else, they both just took advantage. This is really bad stuff either way.

This uncle--the adult--sounds abusive. He did not respect your boundaries, did not respect his nephew's (if their account is accurate). And the more you say, the creepier the man sounds. Please don't use words like whore anymore to describe yourself. They did not pay you, so you are not a prostitute. He/they just treated you like dirt. But that is on them, not on you.

I think you should go to a rape crisis center to find someone to talk this over with. They will be able to help you. Do you think you can find one in your area?

It's good to keep talking here too if it helps.

I'm so sorry this happened to you!

I think the nephew was more of a victim in this situation than a perpetrator. He was really upset at his uncle afterward. It's not like he knew what was going on before he was woken up, so I don't think it was to prevent him from telling people. It was a really inconsiderate of the uncle to put his own nephew in that situation. He basically forced him to have sex with me against his will. He not only took advantage of me, but of his nephew as well I think.

My memory is a bit blurry, and non-existent at some points. The only parts the uncle really needed to fill in were how I got in the bedroom in the first place (he said he just asked me if I wanted to go to bed... he said he meant to go to sleep though I highly doubt that), how we started kissing (he said I started kissing him... again I doubt that), whether we ended up having sex (he said yes... I believe this part because I have a vague memory of doing so and he really has no motive to lie about that part). Pretty much other than that I know what happened, but the details are really blurry.

One thing I remember that sticks out a lot was after everything was over, the nephew had left (his uncle left us alone for a bit after forcing his nephew on me) and the uncle came back in... and he just looked at me and started yelling at me. He told me to get out and that I was a little whore. I immediately began to cry my eyes out and curled into a ball on the bed. Then realizing he had upset me he came over and tried consoling me, saying he didn't mean it and he doesn't know why he said it. At the time I guess I believed him, but I was still upset, because I already felt bad enough for what had just happened. I only recently began to realize that this could have been rape. I was so out of it and it all just seemed to be my fault.

It is not your fault. :( You showed bad judgement in accepting the drinks and not trying to get home earlier. But otherwise, you were used. It is common for women your age to be uncertain about situations like this. Too many of us learn the hard way not to trust ordinary men. Most rapists are just regular guys, not obvious villains.

The uncle probably shouted at you because he realized what he'd done, got scared and immediately blamed you. He hated you for what he'd done to you. That's how men like that operate. But what was in his mind is not your problem.

You seriously need to get support for this. My heart goes out to you. I am leaving for the weekend myself, but I hope you will search for a nearby crisis center, so you can talk to someone in person about this. Hopefully, some more people will come on this thread and give you support as well. There are many kind people here.

Take care.

Any thoughts or opinions are highly welcome. I'm still trying to get things straight in my head, and hearing what others think is really beneficial to me. I'm still emotionally hurting from what's happened. Talking about it helps a little though.

Thanks to those of you who have told me you're opinions about it. You have helped more than you probably even know.

Call the cops and have him locked up forever and a day! This is totally wrong... im sorry... get counseling

This is definately unconsentuial sex because you were not in a proper conscious state of mind. Shame on him for being such a sleeze ball. I hope you overcome this because people like him are scum and are just disgusting.

I know in a way this wasn't my fault, but for some reason it still bothers me. It has changed how I think about myself. After this happened, I began to think of myself as a sexually promiscuous person and acted accordingly. This is not who I used to be at all, nor who I want to be today. I have difficulties saying no in sexual situations because I feel that it's just what is expected of me. I don't want people to look at me like I'm a whore, because I'm not. I'm ashamed about some of the things I've done, and it's eating at me inside. I've calmed down some, and am doing my best to act like the person I want to be, but I feel like I've changed as a person, and I don't like who I've become.

You don't have to do ANYTHING you don't want to. Who cares what people think.

Drinking is hard to control, especially at your age, and I know because I was in the same situation as you, where a guy I knew took advantage me when I was blacked out and didn't remember the night. I felt like it was my fault for drinking so much and that I couldn't do anything to him because it would just bring up the fact in public that I was a whore and any questions that could be asked of me I'd have to respond with 'i don't know' because I didn't have a clue what happened.

It made me feel wretched, guilty, and ashamed and that something was wrong with me and not the guy, because you keep thinking over and over that it wouldn't have happened if you hadn't had that last drink or two or three. But it is his fault because no MAN would ever attempt to have sex with a girl when she is hammered drunk if he had any sort of respect for himself.

It really does help to talk about it and I hope you can understand that it isn't your fault. Of course it's going to bother you, it probably will make you cringe or feel sick to your stomach every time you think about it, but you can get over that and look forward.

You shouldn't ever feel like you can't say NO in a sexual situation. Like I said before, it doesn't matter what people think or 'expect', no one should ever expect anything.

My advice is to try to reduce drinking or drink only around close friends who will look out for you, and surround yourself with these people who will keep your mind off it. Keep busy and focus on other things so you're not getting that 'eaten up inside' feeling all the time when you think about it. If you need to talk to a counselor, it would probably help because they are there to listen, or just talk to your friends about your feelings and concerns. And feel free to keep talking here about any feelings, concerns or questions, because it does help knowing other people have been in a similar situation and it can make you feel better.

It is easy to understand that a rape would change how you think about yourself. Your boundaries have been violated, as if you don't own yourself.

You are still coping with a life changing experience. But you have the strength within yourself to change back again to the person you really are, hopefully stronger. I definitely agree that you CAN and must say no to things you don't want, whatever they are. That's key to getting yourself back, establishing your boundaries.

When someone presses you and you feel like you can't say no, what feelings do you have? Why do you feel like you can't say no?

HI! Im so sorry to hear about your situation. And as others have said it is NOT your fault. First of all you are a minor (if in the us) when it comes to alcohol. That will be a big part in prosecuting them. When they say consentual sex you have to be in an appropriate physical and mental state to give consent to sex. Therefore if you are drunk and blacking out it can't be considered consentual.
I would definitely go after the uncle and include providing alcohol to a minor in the case. As far as the nephew you have to decide how you feel about it... you said that you feel he is more of a victim. I would say that he could have said no to the sex... or asked you if you wanted him to have sex with you but that enters into the mental and physical state you were in. I would say that you should go after him too. And if he feels that he was forced into having sex with you he can prosecute the uncle for his personnal gain as well as any settlement that was awarded to you from the nephew if the court feels he was forced into it and make the uncle pay it all.

as far as you and how you are doing right now... I would say to either seek out a rape crisis center as others have posted OR if you are uncomfortable facing someone like that then call a rape hotline. They will help you emotionally and help you clarify any concerns you have over whether or not it was rape and can probably tell you what legal actions can be taken. But make sure you talk to someone! Either on here or a friend, parent, pastor, youth pastor, teacher, counselor or whoever else. Preferably someone around your age or older... like don't expose your little sister/brother to this yet till things calm down and you figure things out.

just so you know I was sexually abused as a young kid and I still struggle with it years later mostly because I never told an adult and I feel like he got away with it and could be hurting his new little niece. I have recently been thinking that all of my depression and anxiety, self mutilation and panic attacks, as well as a low self confidence and esteem may all be attributed to what I experienced years ago and if I would have just told someone back then I might not have suffered so much throughout my life.

If you want to talk on the phone to a random person who doesn't know you I would be more then willing to listen and talk with you. Im only 21 so Im about your age so we could probably relate.
Good luck with everything and I hope things start getting better... which they will after you start talking to someone!

mcrunner, I really hope you take kraussnumber2's advice and contact a rape crisis center. KN makes several really important points. You need to work through this one way or another. That doesn't mean obsessing about it every minute, but a rape crisis center would know how to help you sort this out.

When someone makes you feel helpless, it makes you feel depressed. The antidote to depression is acting on your own behalf. So I hope you will do that and reach out to people who can really help.

Hi, ^^
First, I am sorry to hear your story... and hope you can get over this as soon as possible.
There is no point of thinking over spilled water.

Yes, and I can understand the guilt you may feel right now.

OK, let's start with hard part. First, you are 20 years old. You are no longer underaged kid who needs the protection from your parents or indulge in underaged protection law. (Well, it depends on where you live and what kind of protection law they apply to a certain age)

You are a proud adult who has the rights to hang out freely with no time restriction, who has the rights to drink beers and other alcohols and who has the rights to get into intimate relationship providing you are responsible for your action.

You CAN call this event as intolerable rape but he can call this just a mere fun. It's up to you. It's your words Against his (that nincomput UNCLE guy). You CAN ignore this incident, you CAN sue him OR you can screw that bastard's life (Don't tell me how because I would turn into evil when it comes to avenging someone for their ill manner).

The most important thing is would any of these methods will actually HELP YOU? Ask yourself this question. Also, if it's not about helping you but it's all about giving that UNCLE guy a lesson to remember for the rest his life, THEN GO FOR IT. Again, would that avenge help you?

People make mistakes in their life because we are NEVER perfect. Whatever that mistake is, CAN YOU OVERCOME this? Some will just ignore because they think that's not a big deal BUT some will take it seriously and will go for certain means of measurement.

And you? What about you? What would you do? Don't just sit there and worry this & that, trying to figure out whether that was a rape or not. This incident is over and it is a part of your life history. If only there was a 'delete' button, life would be so easy. But you CAN do something to ease your pain.

Over all, I think that UNCLE guy knew what he was doing. He gave you drinks, got you drunk, with no resistance function when you were drunk except for 'Yes master', he got what he planned for. Without your conscious agreement. That is a silent RAPE. Like you said, if you were in clear mind, you would never allow this thing to happen. But he knew that, so he had no choice to use this method to make you drunk.

Do something. At least make yourself proud & respected. Do NOT let anyone like that two-tongued, smake-like sly UNCLE to look down on you. ^^

cyberoh

I meant to write respectfully not respectively... sorry about that!

cyberoh

I meant to write respectfully not respectively....sorry about that!

Thank you for the correction. I am not aware of US laws. Also, I did mention (Well, it depends on where you live and what kind of protection law they apply to a certain age)

Thanks anyway

Thank you for the correction. I am not aware of US laws. Also, I did mention (Well, it depends on where you live and what kind of protection law they apply to a certain age)

Thanks anyway

I did notice that you wrote where you live but the way I read it, it didn't sound like you were referring to the alcohol so sorry if I misread it. And I don't believe anyone stated where the asker is living so she might live in other countries besides the us where the age is lower. So she will have to read both our answers and figure out which applies to her. She very well could be in a different country and therefore you would be correct.
Just out of curiosity what country are you from and what is the age there?

I did notice that you wrote where you live but the way I read it, it didn't sound like you were referring to the alcohol so sorry if I misread it. And I don't believe anyone stated where the asker is living so she might live in other countries besides the us where the age is lower. So she will have to read both our answers and figure out which applies to her. She very well could be in a different country and therefore you would be correct.
Just out of curiosity what country are you from and what is the age there?

Uhmmm, you don't need to say that. All of us are here to give our opinions. In contrast, I was happy to get some feedback from someone. Thanks again. Guess you are in US. I am a Korean but residing and working in Vietnam. ^^

I'm from the US, so since I'm under 21, I'm not of the legal drinking age. I don't think there's any way I can take legal action on this guy because it would just be my word against his. I have no proof other than the 18 year old nephews testimony. And also, another one of his nephews, 17 I think, walked into the room at the beginning of it. I think he just saw us kissing. So I don't think any legal action will be taken. I'm just trying to deal with it emotionally.

I did go to see the counselor at my college 2 weeks ago. I told her what happened, but she didn't really tell me whether it would legally be considered rape. We just talked about a lot of things that are going on in my life. I have another appointment tomorrow.

This happened in July, and up till September or so, the uncle would call me every day or every few days. At first we talked about what happened that night, but after that it was mainly just him telling me about his day and stuff and he'd ask how I was doing. I'm not really sure what his motives are behind this. Someone suggested to me that it might be that he was trying to make me feel different about it so that I wouldn't tell anyone about it or accuse him of rape. The counselor also suggested that he may have actually liked me or something. I'm not really sure. But last night he called me out of the blue again. I hadn't heard from him since mid-September or so, so about 2 months. It was a short conversation, and it was just normal chit chat, but I don't know why he decided to start talking to me again.

Yikes! He is trying to establish that you are friends. If you ever accuse him, he will say that if you were traumatized, you wouldn't be so friendly and chit chat with him. So therefore it was between "consenting adults."

He's also trying to persuade HIMSELF that it's all "friendly." This guy has no boundaries. (Who knows why he called now. Something brought you to his mind. Have you seen him since his rape?)

I'm afraid your counselor is not helping in this situation, though she may be good for other things.

Please, please go to a lawyer or a rape crisis center and tell your story. They can help you sort out the legal ramifications. If this happened last night, you certainly would have a case. The long delay, I don't know. But the important thing is that right now you don't know how your case would be treated in court and you should NOT just assume you would be disbelieved. That's part your depression and disempowerment talking. And your letting this creep engage you in "friendly"conversation is also part of that. He has violated your boundaries in a major way and continues to. This IS your decision. In a sense, I'm trying to push you to do something that you don't want to, so that's bad. But your mental health depends on assuming control of your feelings and what happens from here forth and that requires that you gather some information.

I am not saying you should press charges, but you should get someone knowledgeable to tell you exactly where you stand so you can make an informed decision that is YOUR decision, not just you giving into that feeling of helplessness.

I forget if you have anyone you are close to there? A sister and good friend. I hope someone can start giving you the love and support you need right now and help you at least find out what your rights are in this situation.

I also really feel you should stop taking this creep's phone calls. You don't have to confront him if you don't want to--although I would! But you can just say it's not a good time to talk every time he calls. He'd get the message.

Rape crisis center. Hopefully, they can help you make some informed decisions.

I totally agree with 'asking' Just like I wrote earlier I continually suffer from things that happened 17 years ago. Don't let that happen to you. There is a timeframe in which you can accuse someone of such crimes. It is a matter of years... it depends on what state you are in. For example... in Michigan I had ten years after the event or until my 21st birthday since I was a child when it happened. You aren't a child but you still have awhile to file a suit. At least find out what options you have. Don't worry about the drinking coming back to punish you. The uncle will get in trouble for providing it to you but they will usually let it go on your part. So you usually won't get any fines or anything.
And if you are worried about your family finding out that you have been partying and that this happened to you... Im positive your family would rather see these guys who hurt you be put away and punished and hope that you may have learned from this experience and keep yourself safe in the future.

cyberoh... im not really sure what I said that upset you. Im sorry that you felt that I was attacking you or arguing with you. I did not mean to be disrespectful or rude. I hope you understand and again I am sorry if what I said offended you. I agree with you that we are all here to post our opinions and I wasn't trying to tell you that your opinions were wrong or anything like that. I was trying to make peace and say that I didn't know where she lived and therefore you would be right about the age. Again sorry! :)

Since many states have different laws with things such as statute of limitations, which state's law would this follow? The one where it took place, where I live, or where he lives, since they are all three different states?

asking - No I have not seen him since the rape. He lives a few states away. During some of our first conversations he talked about meeting up again sometime, which kind of scared me a bit. He said that I should fly on a plane by myself and he'd pick me up at the airport or something. I said my parents likely wouldn't allow that, so he told me to lie to them which I refused to do. Then he suggested he drive all the way to visit me at college, which I also said no to. He said he'd stay in a hotel or something and we could just hang out. There was no way I was going to let this happen. He hasn't talked about that recently though.

I don't which state that would be. (I would guess it would be the state where it happened, but guessing isn't knowing.) The people at a rape center would almost certainly know, as would an attorney.

Write down everything you can remember about your conversations with him and keep a couple of copies in different places.

If you tell us which state you are in, and city if you don't mind saying, we can try to help you locate a rape crisis center or attorney who can answer your questions.

I think the best thing for you to do is. Let it go it was everyone's fault. Just don't make the same mistake twice.Live and learn. You only live once. Enjoy

I think the best thing for you to do is. Let it go it was everyones fault. Just don't make the same mistake twice.Live and learn. you only live once. enjoy

I don't agree that it was "everyone's fault" or that there is anything in this to "enjoy."

C55, you may not have experienced anything like this yourself.

I don't agree that it was "everyone's fault" or that there is anything in this to "enjoy."

C55, you may not have experienced anything like this yourself.

I agree! A drunk minor who is passing out does not deserve to be raped. Yes she shouldn't be drinking at all and definitely not with people she doesn't really know and without a good friend along but that is a youthful indescretion. Letting it go will not help her because you can't just get over this type of thing and move on with your life. Are girls who are drugged from drinks they take from other people to blame for what happens to them? In a sense this girl was drugged with alcohol. Hopefully she can work through this with someone that she trusts and find peace in her heart but she can't do it alone and knowing that a little sister, niece, etc could be next will haunt her forever.
I agree also that it doesn't sound like you have ever experienced something like this which is good and if you have I am sorry to hear that. If you did experience something similar could you share how you got over it to help this girl out... even if it is in a private message your advice could be valuable to her and may help her heal.

First of all c55: live and let live how on earth can you say that? Have you ever been raped? Have anyone ever violated you and treated you like your body is just an open buffe that is open for service at any time and for anyone? I'm really offended right now.

mcrunner> I'm so sorry that this happened to you! It sounds like a horrible situation and first of all I want to stress that it is not your fault! You are not to blame for this. The story you were told is just a story they told you to cover their own asses, nothing more. How on earth can a grown man do this to a young girl. I have never been able to wrap my brain around rape. I always end up with a huge gaping WHY.

And to force his nephew to have sex with you as well is just... I don't know there are no words!!

Its funny how rape affects you and I'm actually crying right now. This summer I was raped by a guy wile passed out, I wake up in his tent (I live in europe and I was at a music festival) and I'm naked and he is inside me and on top of me. At first I was really confused and once I understood what was going on I was too scared to stop him. He was much bigger then me and I had never seen him before. And I still feel embarced about not stopping him once I woke up. And afterwards I just hid in a different camp then the one I lived in because I didn't want him to find me... once he did. He started stalking me. Telling me he was in love and that he wanted to be with me, it totally freaked me out and for 4 months I've been in denial. I tried to think that it wasn't real, and that I was in on it... but then I found him accidentally on Facebook. And once I saw his picture I had a total breakdown. And I know that it wasn't my fault anymore than this was your fault. You didn't say yes just like I didn't say yes.

We have just been subjected to creepy men who obviously doesn't respect women and our bodies.

How are you feeling identity wise? I've totally lossed by self. I was so self assured and confident before it happened, now I'm a wreck. I have low selfasteem, I'm paranoid... I can't sleep. I hardly go outside. And if I do I go to a work, school, or to the local pub where I know everyone. Where I k now I'm accepted and cared for. I'm getting better though and I'm seeing a phycologist.

Is there a rape crisis centre near you. I saw someone mentioned it earlier... it could be a good idea to seek help.

How are you dealing with other people in your life? Are you anxious, depressed? I suffered from anxiety prior to the rape, but now it's worse and I think I've got an eating disorder. My phycologist says it's a perfectly normal after a rape...

Roxypoxy,
I think it's understandable that you did not stop him. You were in his space, he was much bigger than you, you were disoriented, and you had no idea who you were dealing with, what he might do. Your body took over to preserve yourself and I hope you can forgive yourself for that. In a sense it was the most rational thing. Living is good, and you made the best choice you could make at the time. Don't second guess your own instincts.

Thanks for posting. That was really helpful. I hope you start to feel better soon.
Take care,
asking

Since many states have different laws with things such as statute of limitations, which state's law would this follow? The one where it took place, where I live, or where he lives, since they are all three different states?

asking - No I have not seen him since the rape. He lives a few states away. During some of our first conversations he talked about meeting up again sometime, which kind of scared me a bit. He said that I should fly on a plane by myself and he'd pick me up at the airport or something. I said my parents likely wouldn't allow that, so he told me to lie to them which i refused to do. Then he suggested he drive all the way to visit me at college, which I also said no to. He said he'd stay in a hotel or something and we could just hang out. There was no way I was going to let this happen. He hasn't talked about that recently though.

I really don't get it. Since you said this IS the guy who gave you so much pain, WHY DO YOU BOTHER YOURSELF to LISTEN to this guy & even give him a chance to CHIT CHAT all these nonsense? <<Then he suggested he drive all the way to visit me at college, which I also said no to. He said he'd stay in a hotel or something and we could just hang out. There was no way I was going to let this happen. He hasn't talked about that recently though.>>

What is the point of telling us even the smallest DETAILS of everyday life of you both??

I am sorry if I was rude but I feel like our opinions are NOT taken seriously by you. Well, at least that's how I feel. You got to BE YOURSELF... but it seems like you are going with the 'flow' which this UNCLE guy is making up. You are falling AGAIN. I give up - -;;

Why I wrote the greenie for the post earlier is:

Focusing on the problem isn't going to resolve the problem.

What SOLUTION can be reached for this hurting,confused girl?

OK,the 'uncle' and 'nephew' were TOTALLY WRONG!we all get that.

Now to move forward and find a settlement for this trauma.

Can the OP accept that she was wrong in drinking with strangers,Yes,she said.

Was she not in her right mind while the action was done to her,Yes,she said.

What would be the wrong thing to do now? Revisit the problem.

How do women accept what has happened to them(violation)and find peace with it?

I don't know,I am not female,but the human responses given in here are still geared on the problem.

As my sponsor tells me constantly,acceptance is the key.Accepting the things we cannot change,the rape happened,it can't be changed,even to put this fellow in jail,label him as a rapist in all of our minds,accept that this won't be adjusted by our opinions.and move on.

How to heal?I can't answer that,but I do feel for this girl,she shouldn't repeat this action unless she wants to continue reliving a past problem.

KBC

It's true that dwelling on a problem like this can actually make you feel worse. I read that post 911 survivors who had intensive therapy immediately afterward actually did quite a bit worse than those who didn't. It was kind of a shock to therapeutic community. (I hope I'm remembering this right.)

But I do think it helps to gather enough information to know what your options are and to make a conscious decision--basically to press charges or not, to tell this guy off or not. I feel the op's passivity is partly a result of depression. But that's just my opinion.

I also believe that one good antidote to depression is action on one's own behalf. That doesn't have to mean a court case--although that seems like a possibility-- but it does mean not coasting and never knowing when this creep is going to call again and babble and retraumatize her. She needs to take care of the problem.


How do women accept what has happened to them(violation)and find peace with it?
For myself, revenge fantasies help. :)

For myself, revenge fantasies help.

I also do that!

Now if its depression,or repression I can't quite see yet,I guess we need more posts from the OP.

Repression meaning,not accepting the reality yet,depression,dwelling in the problem without attempting to resolve it.

I really don't get it. Since you said this IS the guy who gave you so much pain, WHY DO YOU BOTHER YOURSELF to LISTEN to this guy & even give him a chance to CHIT CHAT all these nonsense? <<Then he suggested he drive all the way to visit me at college, which I also said no to. He said he'd stay in a hotel or something and we could just hang out. There was no way I was going to let this happen. He hasn't talked about that recently though.>>

What is the point of telling us even the smallest DETAILS of everyday life of you both???

I am sorry if I was rude but I feel like our opinions are NOT taken seriously by you. Well, at least that's how I feel. You got to BE YOURSELF... but it seems like you are going with the 'flow' which this UNCLE guy is making up. You are falling AGAIN. I give up - -;;

This is exactly why I came here in the first place... most of my friends have just given up on me :(
I'm giving all the details I find important so that people get the full story. I thought it'd be better to get everything out there so that people would understand better and be more able to help. I'm trying to get past it, but without getting everything out in the open it's hard for me to do so. I'm sorry if you think I'm wasting your time and effort and not making anything better for myself. I'm doing the best I can... I'm in borderline tears now, I don't know what to do. I'm trying to get past it, really I am :-\

This is exactly why I came here in the first place...most of my friends have just given up on me :(
I'm giving all the details I find important so that people get the full story. I thought it'd be better to get everything out there so that people would understand better and be more able to help. I'm trying to get past it, but without getting everything out in the open it's hard for me to do so. I'm sorry if you think I'm wasting your time and effort and not making anything better for myself. I'm doing the best i can...

Mc, please keep posting,this is a frustrating topic for most,but we do want to help you resolve it!

asking: thank you! It means a lot to hear that. I hope so to and in a way I did feel it was the right decision.

mcrunner: I totally get that you second guess other people. I do to. I think its pretty normal. Hehe (understatement) I'm even scared to walk home from the bus. I live in a city and around this time of year it starts getting dark around 3.30 pm and I'm done at work at 4.30. I take a longer route as well, so that I can avoid dark areas that are kind of deserted.

I've been thinking about the identity loss... it isn't all that strange. At first I was like HEY what on earth is happening to me. But one second you can be completely sure of yourself and know what you like, who you trust and who you are... and then its as if a rug has been pulled from underneath you and its all gone.

I still have a core of people around me though that I trust and who love me and support me and the people who have been less supportive or show signs of making me uncomfortable: they have to go. For example a couple of weeks a go a guy I know kept asking if I would make out with him and it made me feel incredibly uncomfertable... and now I really want nothing to do with him. Of course he doesn't know about the thing this summer. But still... he didn't respect my boundries...

This is not necessary a rape case... it is more a case of power abuse!
You are only 20 years old, he is much older than you, so he took advantage of you!

This is a nasty way to learn not to drink alcohol(a lot... or with people you do not know well), consume drogs or any other substances that could make you do things you don't want to do...

Anyway, this kind of things make me furios... my sister had a similar experience with someone I trusted at that moment! It happened right in front of me... I still blame myself for not noticed at the right time!

Trust me: this is not your fault only if you learn something from this and if you teach others how to stay away from situations like this!
Good luck, mcrunner!

asking: I'm glad my post could help! :)