I realize this is a popular subject, but I still need someone with experience to speak with. I am 32, a woman, married for the second time to my 33 year old husband. We have an 8 mo. Old son, and I have a 6 yr old daughter. My husband and I met while working together. He a vet, I his receptionist. I was married 5 yrs to my first husband. He was married just over a year to his first wife. His wife was unable to have sex. He did not know this until after they were married. She physically could not have him enter her. He would tell him it hurt too much and would make him stop. We began an affair that did not last very long before we confessed to our spouses, divorced, and married each other. We have been married 1 year. He was a virgin before having been with me. He and I had amazing sex while the affair was taking place (forbidden sex is always the best sex) and I thought we had very similer sex drives. He had told me his history of masturbation was a concern for him. Due to the few times his wife would perform manual masturbation for him (she did not want anything in return) he found that he would masturbate up to 4 times, daily. I felt (as does he) this was a bit excessive. He said he was concerned that he had "desenitized" his penis. I'm still not exactly sure what that means, but occasionally, he is unable to achieve an erection during foreplay. Because I have been with many men before him and married for 5 years to a man who was 6 years older than me (5 years older than my current husband) and this has NEVER happened before, I was (am) terribly hurt and confused as to why this is happening. It only happens once every 5 mo. Or so, but the effects of it are devastating on me causing a downward spiral from then on, for weeks. I'm hurt and angry and would like to understand why this happens. My husbands' only answer is "I don't know" and when we tried again, the next night, he failed again. It has never happened consecutively as it did now, so now I'm even more concerned. When we do have sex, it is usually wonderful. I have a very high sex drive, so I'm usually in need of it at least 4 times a week. If we do not have sex often, I feel detached from him. Therefore opening a whole other can of worms for him to deal with. Is the problem me? Am I putting too much stress on him? Or is he no longer attracted to me? I ask him this question, which his answer is always, of course, "yes"... which leads to more cans of worms... Thank you for your help!

You didn't mention whether he is still masturbating or not. If he is, then he's just not able to satisfy himself and have enough for you. And, yes, over masturbation can desensitize. However, the only way to get the sensitivity back to stop and allow the nerve endings to heal. Also, start taking nutritional supplements that help rebuild the blood flow. Liquid fish oil (2-3 tablespoons daily) will provide an ample supply of Omega 3's to help heal the tissue and nerve endings. 1,000-2,000 mg of L-Arginine daily will help provide the nitric oxide necessary to relax the blood vessels and allow blood flow to help produce an erection. Magnesium and zinc are 2 essential minerals for a healthy prostate. This didn't happen overnight so don't expect an immediate result. It make take several months for the body to repair itself. If he's still masturbating, then he needs to stop. If it's something he's done for years, then it's probably more of a habit than the need to relieve. He's not a teenager any longer and can't expect to keep this level up as he ages.
On the other hand, if you are putting stress on him or he has a fear of failure, then it's a self-fulfilling condition. Performance Fear = Performance Failure because all the thoughts are focused on performance instead of enjoying sex. You said you were hurt and angry. If knows this and he keeps trying and failing, then he knows you are going to get even more hurt and angry. Talk about pressure to perform!
Have you noticed if he wakes up with a morning erection? If so, then the problem is probably psycological instead of physical. However, if he doesn't have nocturnal or morning erections, I would suggest he see an Urologist and have his testosterone, TSH, DHEA, seratonin and thyroid levels checked. Even if it's psycological, perhaps a RX for Cialis or Viagra might help him gain back his confidence.

MrEasy, thank you for the reply and info. My husband has told me he has "cut down" maturbation considerably, due to having a regular partner. Therefore the "need" to do it, is not there as strongly as it was before. He has said in the past that he doesn't do it "nearly as much" as he used to. I believe this, because we are almost always together (except when he's at work). After the "episode" in bed, I had asked him if he had pleasured himself that day and if, possibly that was the reason he was unable to achieve an erection. He said he had not and that he hadn't done that in over a week. I do find this very difficult to believe as I understand masturbation is something that men (and women) do, and I have no problem with that. However I do have a problem with it if it is causing him to be unable to perform with me. We did see a dr. a few months ago who did some bloodwork and felt that the ED was nothing to worry about because it wasn't happening frequently enough to consider it "ED"-he felt it was more psychological, than physical i.e. stress, etc. The bloodwk was all normal besides high tryclycerides, and they only suggested diet and exercise (which he doesn't do) He did give us a sample of Levetra, which we tried once. My husband said he felt it made it difficult for him to climax and that he was unable to feel anything more than numbness in his penis while having intercourse. I thought it was great because his erection seemed more stronger, and he lasted much longer than usual. So I'm gathering the experience for him (with the medication) was not pleasurable. I would truly appreciate another response and anymore advice you can offer, with the current info I've provided. Thanks for your time.

Once every 5 months? Give the guy a break and stop making this such a big deal. Why should you be hurt? He makes love to you 4 times a week for 5 months and then can't get it up a few times a year and you are hurt and angry? I don't want to be too rude, but you seriously need to find something else to think about. Men aren't machines. It sounds like he is under a huge amount of performance pressure from you and it's a wonder he does as well as he does. Really, it would be a loving kindness to completely drop this subject and next time he "fails" to please you, give him a kiss and a hug and don't act upset at all, just contented and loving. He'll be back in a day or three.

As we age (men and women), we have more of these problems. So you'll need to make allowances eventually no matter who you are with.

I'm glad to hear that you and he consulted a doctor but was he family practitioner or an urologist? The reason I asked is urologists deal with this regularly and are specialists in the field of ED. When the doctor ordered his blood work, did he check his testosterone level and his thyroid Free T4 levels? These are important indicators for a proper diagnosis. You mentioned that the Levitra did help him have a strong erection but it made it hard for him to climax because of the numbness. I gather that he did eventually reach orgasm. I would suggest he try to split the pill in half and see how that works. If it works but still has numbness then try a quarter of the pill. This could help with the erection but keep it from getting so hard that it feels numb. Most people don't need the full the recommended dosage and do just as well with a partial dose without all the side effects such as headaches or dizziness.
Back to the blood work, if his testosterone level is on the low side that could also cause loss of sensation. Testosterone is what creates the burn or heat in sexual feeling. If it is low, then so is the feeling.
All this is assuming that the problem is physical. However, you noted that the doctor said it could be psycological. Earlier I mentioned to watch for morning or nocturnal erections. If they happen on regular basis then the problem could very well be psycological. Just try your best not to put any pressure on him or ever let him think you're disappointed or upset.
I still recommend he try the natural supplementation I mentioned before to help heal the nerve endings and help with healthy blood flow. Diet and exercise are very important because exercise helps produce testosterone production and cardiovascular health.
Encourage him to stop masturbation completely because if he has a loss of sensation then masturbation would have to be rougher and longer to reach orgasm which in turn leads to more nerve damage. Then eventually a soft moist vagina can't provide the same sensation as a dry tight hand grip.
Hope this helps.

MrEasy, thanks again for responding. It was a family doctor. I have suggested the testosterone level ck to my husband, (his T4 levels were WNL, I believe) but he just doesn't seem to believe that has anything to do with it. He doesn't seem very open to my suggestions at all. He says he wants to try the Levitra again. I aksed him about AM erections, he says he only has one maybe once a week. He seems to think that's normal for a man of his age (33). Is it?
And as for Mr. "Biology Expert" I hear you. I should give him a break, but I cannot help feeling devastated when this happens. And I'm simply not the type of woman to just let things go without letting everyone involved know exactly how I'm feeling. I think it's difficult for a man to understand this because when it's "just not happening" with a woman, you men chalk it up to she being "moody" or "her time of the month". It doesn't work that way for women. Especially since I had a relationship with a man for 7 years, then married him for 5 years and NEVER, EVER was he unable to achieve or ever lose an erection while engaged in foreplay or intercourse with me. He was also 6 years older than me and 5 years older than my current husband. I also had several other partners before my first marriage and never encountered this issue. I think if I had, I would be much more understanding. But you and Mr Easy are very right in saying that I should hide my disappointment and anger, it is just very difficult for me to do that. That is why I mentioned the "downward spiral" in my first post. It is my fault that this goes on for as long as it does, but I'm scared to try making love with him again, because I don't know what I will do if this continues. Contact divorce lawyers, I suppose...

BrendaJ, don't get the lawyer yet. Encourage him to go to a urologist and get his testosterone level checked. At 33 he is too young to just be having a morning erection once a week. There's something going on and he needs to find out what it is. The Levitra will help produce the erection but it won't do anything to increase his sex drive or the testosterone sensitivity burn in his penis to help him feel during intercourse.
As far as hiding your feelings, if you really care for him and want the relationship to last you're going to have to hold it in and allow time for healing. He needs to know that you are there for him because you love him for him. The next time you feel the urge to let your feelings out just think how you would feel if you were with a man who had an endless sex drive, an erection that never quit but told you that your vagina was so sloppy that sex was like sticking it out the front door. You can imagine how that would hurt and how it would kill your sex drive. (Sorry, no offense but that's the best example I could think of off the cuff).
Don't give up on him but get him to the right specialist before making any life changing decisions. Let him know you're concerned about his health (in other words - it's all about him) because truthfully erection problems are usually an indication of an underlying health condition.

MrEasy, you've been great, but my husband is just not convinced there's a problem. Only after arguing for half of the day did he finally agree to having his testosterone levels checked. I'm sure this is only because I was "nagging" at him. I do care for him; my reasons for my high sex drive is not exactly what you're thinking. It's not about being constantly aroused or having an orgasm. It's about being close. You can't possibly get any closer to the person you love than when you're making love. I feel this is extremely important in a relationship/marriage. Even if it's just me pleasuring him-orally or otherwise. I think it is so very important. Speaking of oral sex--that is yet ANOTHER issue we have. Oral sex happens to be my favorite form of foreplay/sex. I expressed this to my husband very early on in our relationship. He doesn't like it nearly as much as actual intercourse. There are times that I just want to pleasure him this way because I just love doing it. He doesn't want to orgasm this way and sometimes he is simply unable to orgasm that way. Why is this?? I have NEVER known any man to have difficulty climaxing when a woman is performing orally for him. Espeically when it's ME performing. This is an area that I excel in. But for my husband, he has been able to reach orgasm this way only very, very few times in our relationship. I'm sorry to keep bending your ear, but any and all advice/ideas are welcome!

Wow, I am sorry you are going through this. It can be rough.

As a nurse, I'm not concerned about the T4 as that is thyroid. I'm not really concerned about the testosterone either. Since this happens so infrequently, I am wondering if it is indeed stress.

Have you noticed a pattern? Maybe a bad day at work when this happens for example?

Also, the stress of being expected to perform can be a downer for guys. And then you throw your disappointment on top of it, that just compounds the problem. If your disappointment continues this problem will only get worse.

You really need to give him a break when this happens rather than getting mad. Don't you think he may be embarrassed about this and then you get angry only making the situation worse.

Making love is extremely important in a relationship. I agree with you there, but there are other ways to be close as well. My husband and I have not had sex in almost 2 years. There are many reasons besides the fact that he works one shift and I work another. But we are actually even closer than before. Closeness is not only in the genitals, it is in the heart, mind, and spirit as well.

My ex husband could NEVER orgasm with oral sex, it had to be genital to genital. It's a psychological thing.

Now, please understand that I am not criticizing you, but just pointing out that he may very well feel bad about not being able to perform from time to time, and this is perfectly NORMAL, especially after having a baby.

Just cut him a break when he can't perform, bite your tongue and you will get what you want tenfold next time.

It is considered ED when it happens time and time again and maintaining an erection is near impossible every time.

Glad to hear that he's going for tests and I hope he will go a urologist instead of a family practitioner. While it could be stress as J_9 as mentioned, I'm still inclined to think it's physical because he isn't having morning erections. This is a good indicator that something could be wrong. T-4 is a thyroid test and thyroid functions affect sexual function. http://www.thyroid-info.com/articles/sex-drive.htm
With regard to oral sex, that's an individual preference just like some women can't bear the thought of a man giving them oral sex. Possibly he may have had a bad experience in his young years and it made a permanent impression that he can't shake off. Also, it could be the sensitivity problem you mentioned. While oral sex can be slow and sensual, it may not provide the speed, angle or depth he needs to reach orgasm.
I can appreciate your desire for closeness and I agree that you can't get any closer than when you're having sex but don't let it be your one and only way. It's all the other small things in life that we sometimes take for granted or just don't see that together knit a close loving relationship. It's obvious that you care very much for him otherwise you wouldn't be seeking answers.

I don't know what I will do if this continues. Contact divorce lawyers, I suppose...

I really hope you were joking with this remark. Or are you so demanding of your needs and feelings and neglectful of his?

Wow, maybe he should be the one calling the divorce lawyer because you sound like you are very insensitive to his feelings yet expect your feelings to be fulfilled.

The title of this question is:
Is it Erectile Disfunction, Or is it me?

I'm beginning to think it is you.:mad:

Thanks MrE! I appreciate that. And thanks for the website link. Maybe if he reads it in print instead of hearing it from my nagging voice, he'll listen!
J_9, you have me concerned. (Not that I wasn't before... ) What exactly did you mean by saying "it's normal to have performace problems from time to time, especially after having a baby."?? Are you saying that he's possibly lost his attraction for me (which is my ultimate worry) since our child was born? Or that the stress from having a baby, alone, could cause this? I agree that I have my own issues. Since I was 16 I've felt that the only way a man could show love for me was through sex. Or rather, that was the only way I could feel loved. Again, my issues are a whole other story... I left my first husband (of whom I have a daughter with, and who I still care for, and am lucky enough to still have as my best friend) for my husband because I truly thought that he was a perfect match for me. He was everything I had ever wanted in a man. For the most part, he still is. Though he did his share of changing right after we moved in together and "the chase" was no longer there. When we began seeing each other, the sex was incredible. Not only that; he was able to make love serveral times a night. I want that man back. I want him to want me like he did when he (technically) couldn't have me. Why does that have to end, just because I'm his wife? Before we confessed to our spouses, I told him this would happen. That we would lose everything that we had. All our passion. He promised it wouldn't happen. There was no way it could, he said. Well, here we are... Here I go again. I have to get off this computer and be a mommy!

By the way, J_9, Yes, that remark was a joke!

What exactly did you mean by saying "it's normal to have performace problems from time to time, especially after having a baby." ??? Are you saying that he's possibly lost his attraction for me (which is my ultimate worry) since our child was born? Or that the stress from having a baby, alone, could cause this?

I don't in any way mean that he has lost his attraction for you. However, it is very well known that there is a psychological connection for men between his wife being his lover AND the mother to his child. It doesn't mean that he doesn't find you attractive, it's just that now you have two roles to play. This is very common during the first year after the birth of a baby. I know you have an older child, but this was not HIS child. There is a difference.

At one point in your marriage you were only a sexual being. Now you are a sexual being and a mother.

This also could be a stress issue. You say he is a vet. Could the impotence stem from a bad day at the office? Maybe having to put a beloved pet to sleep?


Since I was 16 I've felt that the only way a man could show love for me was through sex. Or rather, that was the only way I could feel loved.

Maybe you need some counseling. This is not the ONLY way to feel or be loved. Maybe you have some issues that need to be worked out.

Your husband goes to work every day to support you and your children. He comes home to you every night. Your husband is a good father to your children. He is your friend as well as your lover. He LOVES you.

In the end, impotence happens every once in a while. You are darn lucky you make love as often as you do. You should count your lucky stars.

The more you whine and complain that he doesn't love you, or he doesn't find you attractive, it's just that sometimes people, men and women, just aren't in the mood.

So, Brenda, just give him a break before you push him away.