My husband and I dabbled in the swinger lifestyle, and it never affected me - until we enountered someone that was different (we'll call him "Rob"). To this day, I can't figure out what it was that sparked my interest with Rob, because with anyone else, it was purely sex, and I never remotely thought about them when the enounter was over. My husband had specific rules when it came to engaging with other men... 1) No kissing 2) No contact outside of what we did together and 3) Safe sex... Well, with Rob, I broke all three rules (and yes, both my husband and I have been tesed, for everything, and we're fine, thank goodness). My husband and I had 2 separate enounters with him. My husband also would talk to these people that we would hook up with, pretending to be me. The few times he talked with Rob, he would say things like, "I miss you", etc. At first, I thought it was stupid. But then, I couldn't stop thinking about him.

I broke the second rule by contacting him via MySpace, and I also called him on 2 separate occations, and didn't tell my husband about it, even when he questioned me about how distant I was becoming, etc. If I worked out or took a bath, he would say things to me like, "You're just trying not to be around me", "You're so far away", etc. Rob ended up moving to another state, but we were still messaging each other. He even gave me his new phone number, telling me he was only 4 hours away and to come visit him. Well, my husband ended up finding out about the phone calls, and then later the MySpace, and needless to say, it's caused a lot of problems.

Shortly after Rob moved, my husband deleted his MySpace profile off my page, and we didn't communicate for almost 2 weeks. When I finally did message him, he told me he had met someone else. I am happy for him, and since then, my husband and I are trying to work things out, but I still find myself thinking about Rob all the time, and I can't, for the life of me, figure out why. My husband still makes the comments to me, like "You're just here because you don't have anyplace else to go" and "Do you really love me"? The other night, when we were out with friends, after he had had a couple of beers, he leaned over to me and said, "They think you're so sweet, but if only they knew".

We're going to try marriage counseling, but I just don't know... the more comments he makes to me, the more I want to run away - not to Rob, but just to be by myself. But I don't want to do anything that I will regret. Why am I still thinking about Rob? I mean, Rob has moved on - why can't I?

You played with fire, and you got burnt.

It will take time for you to accept your situation and heal.

If you want to save your marriage, then go to couples counseling and do the work.

You really can't blame your husband for the way he feels. You have to find some way to show him that you still love him, show him you want to be with him (and only him forever... no more swinging) make him feel special and show him that you are deeply sorry. Until he knows that, things won't get better, even with counseling.

This is the result of treating sex like it's a recreational toy. It's not, never was meant to be. We humans, however, are quite creative in our "freedom" and quite stubborn in expressing it.

It's not just the sex that's the problem. You have to remember that even though you're married, you will ALWAYS have men pass in your life that catch your attention, spark an interest, so to speak. But since you were adding sex into that, it is even more impossible to deal with.

Being married means you've promised to put your guy first, no matter what. So when your head is turned by an attractive guy (who may even be a GREAT match for you), even though you're attracted, you ignore the temptation and stay focused on the man you've sworn a lifetime of faithfulness to.

It's hard to maintain that as it is. It's impossible to do sexing up strangers, too. I hope you two put that chapter behind you, forgive each other completely for pain it has allowed into your life. I hope you recognize the doors to misery you open into your inner sanctum by acting this way and never repeat it.

Don't blame him, don't ignore the reality of your choices. Honor your commitments, and make sure your actions match your promises from now on. All of them.

Research indicates that our bodies use specific hormones (one of which is dopamine) to enhance our sexual experiences. Most of the research points to the fact that our brains are pre-programed for a life long partner not for numerous "hook ups" or multiple partners in one encounter. From what I have read, these hormones cause very significant neurological attachements and associations within the thought process that, for lack of a better term, our connection with the person or persons that you are having sex with.
Because our brains are programmed for only one partner, having multiple or more than one at a time causes us to have issues associating with just one "serious" relationship.
That's the research...
I believe that there is some truth in all of this.
Fact of the matter is, very few people, probably less than 1% can keep a healthy relationship up if they are living the swinger lifestyle. We are all TOO human to handle the temptations and can't control our physical responses from hormones and such.

I say that your relationship could be saved as long as you can start over on a foundation of forgiveness, understanding, and love.
If your husband keeps throwing this in your face, there may be an issue with his ability to forgive. That will be huge in the future. You both probably need to go to church for some counceling or to a family therapist. Sometimes we need help and an outside voice that isn't critical or yelling at us.

Good luck and God bless you both.