My wife and I have been married for over a month now. We met each other 13 months ago through an internet service, the one with all the bells and whistles that matches you on so many dimensions…

To the point: She has a male best friend; they have been very close for the past 6 or 7 years. He is not only her best friend but also mentor, both in life and at work (Was her boss on and off for more than half of their friendship)
I married her because she is a ray of light (HAPPY) a wonderful mother, does not care about worldly things and physically beautiful. I am stating this because as wonderful as she is I don’t trust her completely and this lack of trust stemmed mainly from her relationship with her best friend.

When I met her, he was her boss, they called each other every morning on the way to work, ate together at work, gave each other gifts for every occasion and her admiration towards him was a frequent topic with me. To the point where if I had a story about something I did, she would comment on how he did it as well… When I finally met him I felt a little better. He greeted me with open arms, as a brother to her and myself as well. Even spoke at our wedding and spoke highly of me. He is married and is a wonderful father from what I see. He has been there for her through her father’s death, career, etc.

I am confused because although they no longer work together and the everyday talking stopped for a while; there is something that has always bugged me about their closeness. I want her to keep this good friend but with boundaries. This morning I looked at her phone history and for the past 5 days they have been calling each other at 6:45am on the dot on the way to work, like before. I approached her, with my usual scolding  she did not deny the calls (at the beginning of our relationship she did avoid the topic though and would keep talking to him although I was calling on the other line) I told her I found the frequency and exactitude, schedule weird, with this new established calling pattern. That it did not make me feel as insecure as before but somewhat fearful. That in my eyes it seems as if he is “a morning coffee” which she absolutely has to have. She has other close friends, mainly female and she had these routines with them at one point but not with such dedication.

Is it wrong for a married woman to start her day calling her best male friend? I don’t have any rituals / routines whatsoever with any other females. I get my healthy share of football and guy talk with guy friends and though I have female friends my time with them is minimal and I call them rarely.

I don’t want to do the wrong thing nor deny her of her space and right to be in the company of others. I don’t understand her behavior though. I appreciate your comments. Thank you.

My wife and I have been married for over a month now. We met each other 13 months ago through an internet service, the one with all the bells and whistles that matches you on so many dimensions…

To the point: She has a male best friend; they have been very close for the past 6 or 7 years. He is not only her best friend but also mentor, both in life and at work (Was her boss on and off for more than half of their friendship)
I married her because she is a ray of light (HAPPY) a wonderful mother, does not care about worldly things and physically beautiful. I am stating this because as wonderful as she is I don’t trust her completely and this lack of trust stemmed mainly from her relationship with her best friend.

When I met her, he was her boss, they called each other every morning on the way to work, ate together at work, gave each other gifts for every occasion and her admiration towards him was a frequent topic with me. To the point where if I had a story about something I did, she would comment on how he did it as well… When I finally met him I felt a little better. He greeted me with open arms, as a brother to her and myself as well. Even spoke at our wedding and spoke highly of me. He is married and is a wonderful father from what I see. He has been there for her through her father’s death, career, etc.

I am confused because although they no longer work together and the everyday talking stopped for a while; there is something that has always bugged me about their closeness. I want her to keep this good friend but with boundaries. This morning I looked at her phone history and for the past 5 days they have been calling each other at 6:45am on the dot on the way to work, like before. I approached her, with my usual scolding  she did not deny the calls (at the beginning of our relationship she did avoid the topic though and would keep talking to him although I was calling on the other line) I told her I found the frequency and exactitude, schedule weird, with this new established calling pattern. That it did not make me feel as insecure as before but somewhat fearful. That in my eyes it seems as if he is “a morning coffee” which she absolutely has to have. She has other close friends, mainly female and she had these routines with them at one point but not with such dedication.

Is it wrong for a married woman to start her day calling her best male friend? I don’t have any rituals / routines whatsoever with any other females. I get my healthy share of football and guy talk with guy friends and though I have female friends my time with them is minimal and I call them rarely.

I don’t want to do the wrong thing nor deny her of her space and right to be in the company of others. I don’t understand her behavior though. I appreciate your comments. Thank you.



Would you be upset if she called a best female friend first thing every day and kept in touch when they no longer worked together? Unless you're her father I don't see where you "scold" her when she does something you don't agree with. It appears you always knew about the relationship and she never lied.

As it happens one of my very best friends is male. We talk almost every day, about all sorts of things, not female, not male, just "things."

I never lied about it or hid it, nor was I ever "scolded" or made to feel like I was cheating. I wasn't. If my husband had said, "It's that relationship or me," I obviously would have chosen him but he wasn't an insecure, threatened man in any way.

My husband was extremely close to a woman he worked with - she would have fought lions for him. They talked on the phone, rehashing the day, a couple of times a week. It never bothered me. In fact, I never gave it a thought. She was his friend long before he met me. Fortunately, I honestly like her and it's mutual.

Sorry, but I can't get the "usual scolding" line out of my mind - on one hand she's entitled to her life; on the other, you are admonishing her - ?

Thank you for replying :)

The "scolding" She says I go on and on about things, over explaining and such. Better said she labeled my disagreements with her as scolding sessions. I don't believe it is completely true but admit there is truth to it.

I believe my concern has more to do with her choices in the past. What I am trying to say there are other facts about this friendship. He has given her very expensive gifts, some without his wife's knowing. The 1st red flag came one day when, we were dating, he texted her at 2am... "To check on her" according to her because he played a father / brother role. I asked her to please call him back, she hesitated, finally agreed... He did not pick up and instead texted back saying he couldn't talk at the moment. There are other weird (to me) details about their relationship. These mainly in the beginning. She says she wishes, she would have introduced him in a different manner to me, to better protect my heart. I just really wish I didn't feel she needs this person this much. Shouldn't a husband cover most of the bases, as far as needs, for a wife? Be a best friend, protector, providers, etc? Note I am not saying don't have friends. I am saying that my need for female company I look for mainly in her. I obviously don't understand her need for male companionship? Could it be as simple as finding a middle ground? Are there red flags in what I am questioning or am I simply seeing ghosts?

Thank you for replying :)

The "scolding" She says I go on and on about things, over explaining and such. Better said she labeled my disagreements with her as scolding sessions. I don't believe it is completely true but admit there is truth to it.

I believe my concern has more to do with her choices in the past. What I am trying to say there are other facts about this friendship. He has given her very expensive gifts, some without his wife's knowing. The 1st red flag came one day when, we were dating, he texted her at 2am... "To check on her" according to her because he played a father / brother role. I asked her to please call him back, she hesitated, finally agreed... He did not pick up and instead texted back saying he couldn't talk at the moment. There are other weird (to me) details about their relationship. These mainly in the beginning. She says she wishes, she would have introduced him in a different manner to me, to better protect my heart. I just really wish I didn't feel she needs this person this much. Shouldn't a husband cover most of the bases, as far as needs, for a wife? be a best friend, protector, providers, etc? Note I am not saying don't have friends. I am saying that my need for female company I look for mainly in her. I obviously don't understand her need for male companionship? could it be as simple as finding a middle ground? Are there red flags in what I am questioning or am i simply seeing ghosts?



I don't know about you but my instincts are very sound - when I get those "red flag" feelings I am usually correct.

As far as whether a husband should cover all the bases for his wife - I don't know. Maybe most, yes. All, no. Obviously the friendship of this other person covers some "need" or "want" of hers. I don't know that having this friend means that you are less to her or not meeting her needs.

You aren't going to like this but it's simply my opinion - you appear to be a controlling person. So you were dating and someone called her at 2AM and you asked her to call him back? I don't see, quite frankly, that you had the right to ask, I'm surprised she didn't tell you so and I'm surprised when the "can't talk now" message came back that the hair on the back of your neck didn't stand up!

I am not sure if you are controlling or insecure or putting your whole life into this one relationship, oblivious to her needs, OR if something else is going on here. Without giving her directions or a speech have you told her how you feel about this friendship? That's either going to bring it out in the open or drive it underground so you'll have to think about it.

I once dated a VERY controlling man who honestly didn't think he was controlling - My every move when I was with him was monitored and the grand finale came when MY phone at MY house rang... and he answered it and then had the audacity to ask me who was calling me! Let me be sure to explain that we weren't living together, we weren't engaged, he was simply picking me up to go out and I was someplace else in the house. He never asked, just picked up my phone.

When I say dating, we were a couple already. When the 2am called happened... we were in bed happy, talking about how we felt about each other. We figured out pretty quickly that we were in love... things happened fast. We had also discussed how we both felt that calls after dark were not appropriate from the opposite sex... So of course I questioned the call.

I am extremely verbal, she knows I am trying to understand her world and trust her, but at the same time she knows how I feel about the friendship. I agree with you on the bases that should be covered by a husband for a wife, it should be "most" and not "all" her needs.
I had a somewhat similar best friend before her, which happened to be my son's mother, as soon as I figured out she wasn't OK with it I cut the "cord"
What changes is that at one point we were a couple, nonetheless I never lied about this close friendship and from the moment we met I told her she was one of my best friends. What I did was, as soon as my wife came in my life and saw she had negative reactions when she heard me talking to my son's mother... I focused on sharing my day with my current wife and made my relationship with my son's mother strictly about my son. I thank you for your words, I believe I need to be clear on my speciations, while respecting her and putting an end to the things where I am controlling.

You are so willing to look at the situation, deal with it, you express yourself well - hopefully your wife loves you, doesn't want to make you unhappy, doesn't want to jeopardize your relationship, and will strike some sort of happy medium.

Come back and let us know how it works out.

Judy always gives good advice from what I've read, but my instincts tell me something is up. She is open with you about her "friendship" but the guy's not open with is his wife. Why not? I would be curious if you're getting the whole story. Definitely let us know how everything works out.

Judy always gives good advice from what I've read, but my instincts tell me something is up. She is open with you about her "friendship" but the guy's not open with is his wife. Why not? I would be curious if you're getting the whole story. Definitely let us know how everything works out.


Thanks for the pat on the back - and, yes, the "wife doesn't know" part was pretty much the turning point for me.

Thanks for the pat on the back - and, yes, the "wife doesn't know" part was pretty much the turning point for me.

Kind of makes for an interesting situation, doesn't it? Now I'm curious.

I hope everything works out for you guys.

I told my wife something to that regard long ago... about him being honest with his wife
I asked about the gifts (1000 bucks for her b-day... $13,000 car sold from subject to my wife for $2,000)
My wife told me she knows he didn't tell his wife about the birthday gift...
I question what he told his wife he sold the car for, does she have access to his bank account.
I had sort of forgotten about these things, for my own good
These things come back though when I see that the relationship is going back to what it used to be, prior to me sort of breaking it up
My counselor told me "your wife sounds like a wonderful person but maybe a little naive"

Yeah, I understand what you're saying. And maybe she's not into him as more than a friend at all but it sounds like he is into her. I could be way off base but that's just how it seems to me. Do you ever take your wife to counseling with you? Maybe it wouldn't hurt a couple times. Maybe your counselor can try to help you explain why you feel the way you do, if she doesn't understand.

My wife and I have been married for over a month now. We met each other 13 months ago through an internet service, the one with all the bells and whistles that matches you on so many dimensions…


You both still have a lot to learn about each other, and should have taken the time to do so, before you got married.

Can't tell who has the real problem, you, or her, but I suggest some really honest communications, and some patients with each other, to clear this up, or you'll be another couple who moved to fast and crashed and burned.


I want her to keep this good friend but with boundaries.

That would be a very good place to start, but before you are married. You have already given your okay by allowing it, and not expressing your misgivings.


With my usual scolding

Don't go there, as who are you her dad?

I think your whole problem starts with learning how to honestly express yourself, and accept the person you married for better, or worse, and learn to work together.

The learning process requires you to pay attention, rather than change someone.

disagrees: There is such as thing as gray areas, not everything is black or white. Should make statements as opinions not absolutes. Appreciate the answers though and will take some of the advise
Disagrees over opinions is against the rules, especially since you can post, and make clear why you disagree, and I can give you the benefit of my more than 30 years of marriage.

I won't argue with experience, I hope to get there (30 years)

I really love my wife and she makes me feel that she loves me as deeply.

So (to better explain myself)... I made it a point, prior to marriage, that I was not too comfortable with her close relationship to her friend but not to the point where I wanted him out of her life. I've been trying to understand her and have tried to reach a middle ground. She has had this friend before I came around but also knows my feeling regarding the closeness, not the friendship but the roles he played (because he had been playing, since we're on the subject, a father and big brother role) Long story short, the roles little by little seem to have been kept at friend level but I am scared of seeing it possibly going back to what it used to be... Other facts: I know his wife was not OK with their friendship in the beginning (Another flag for me)... And yes, I married her because no matter what she is the person I have and love the most and makes me feel the same (obviously with this one issue) We are able to talk and connect on various levels, we are both patient and accept the other's flaws. The best friend issue though is the thing we have not found a middle ground on...

In your opinion what roles should any man, husband or friend play in a woman's life? What roles, if any, should be inherited?

I want to be her guide when she needs one, not her dad. Her best friend, not her only friend. Her lover not her judge (which I admit I tend to do). I am accepting of others, I know she needs friends, as I do but believe in boundaries.

Yes, going to a counselor together would probably help.

What I see is not a straightforward answer to your question.

Your wife, that you love, is unwilling to give up the gifts and the regular emotional support from her friend. Is she naïve? She might be innocent as far as her thinking goes. She does not admit to herself the whole truth, therefore you don't get far with your explanation of how you feel.

People are flawed. No big surprise. She is not clear on what this relationship with her friend fully means. Perhaps boundaries will follow her honesty and clarity to you, whom she loves, about all the ramifications of the friendship that has caused "issues."

In other words, the boundaries that need to be discussed in this matter are contingent upon her clarity with the issue. Until she is clear, boundaries are not.

dragon76,
You sound like a lovely individual with a good solid head on your shoulders. You are very articulate - I'm impressed. Kudos to you for "reading" the "upset signals" your wife was giving you when you were in contact with your son's mother.

You have a right to be 'concerned' about this male friend. I don't understand why he texted your wife at 2am, and then when she called him back, he replied: "can't talk right now". That is suspicious behaviour. There is no doubt in my mind that HIS wife would be FURIOUS to find out that he is in such frequent and intimate contact with your wife. Please understand that no husband or wife can ever fulfill 100% of their spouses needs - but yes - you SHOULD be the PRIMARY companion, confidant, lover, friend, 'father-figure', boss, mentor that your wife needs and wants. She shouldn't have to go outside her marriage to have those needs met. Have you told her how hurt and upset and left out you feel sometimes? Tell her in confidence (so that she doesn't rush to tell HIM) that you'd like to share / spend more of her 'gossip' time with her. What kinds of things does she like to do? His birthday present gifting to her, is weird and suspicious too. My husband would not be pleased if another man purchased me an expensive birthday gift. My husband would be quite defensive and would ask me kindly not to accept it - out of respect for him and our relationship. (and my husband is a doll! Very fun-loving and understanding). What is the real deal? What is this man hiding? What is your wife really not telling you? Is your wife REALLY that naïve, that this guy is able to take her for a ride? He must be getting something out of the deal here... maybe he gets 'off' on having a second relationship that he keeps secret. I'm not saying that your wife is sleeping with him - but I am saying that this man probably has some kind of agenda. It doesn't sit well. It worries me that in your first post you said that you sort of have difficulty 'trusting' her. She can be a million things wonderful, but trust and respect are the PLATFORM of any solid relationship. Hang in there and trust your gut. I hope you are OK.

I agree with simoneaugie - there are no boundaries and your wife is NOT clear on what role he plays in her life.

If your wife is as fantastic as you claim (and I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt.. ) then she should understand that his presence in her life as a close friend make YOU feel uncomfortable. She needs to respect this, and pull back for your sake - for the sake of your marriage.

A marriage counsellor would be a fabulous start. No one is perfect - not me, not you, not her, but think about this: her making you feel uncomfortable by her actions OR her actions causing you to not trust her - is unfair.

Communicate, communicate, communicate.

If she refuses to let him go, you need to decide if this is something that you are willing to live with - possibly for the rest of your life.

With out being overly pushy, find out how your wife, feels about his wife, may give you some insights into whats going on with this fellow and through gentle, honest, communications, you can work to establish boundaries, you both can agree on.

I think it will also serve you well to never be jealous of him, or let him be the cause of any arguments.

As you get a better line on things, and him, you may can open a dialogue with him, that allows him to know how you feel.

I trust my wife 100%, but always make it a point that her male friends are comfortable enough with me, that I can talk to them directly if need be.

She is also good friends, with my female friends, but if she isn't comfortable she says so in a way I can't help but pay attention to.

I think pretty much you have to go about it in the same, non jealous, non threatening way, as honestly, his wife attitude, is troubling to say the least.

You may in the future invite them both out or to a lunch just to see things for yourself.

I think if you are thoughtful, and don't OVERREACT, you should be okay. I think your already paying attention, and that a very good thing.

It's a process, not a race, so exercise... patience.

THANK YOU ALL.
Yesterday we spoke about her friend... and I asked her about his wife. Does he love his wife? She said yes, dearly. I asked why... Her reply was "because of the thoughtful things he does for her, gets out of work early if she is sick, the things he does for her family, so on and so forth" I then asked why do I get the impression he keeps some things from her. She said that she always has known that they have separate bank accounts and don't keep a tab on each other. But that recently was surprised by the fact that she did not know how close he had worked to his ex boss in the past (attractive lady, she mentioned) And that that gave her a new perspective on him, she stated (that she thought she knew him well). We both, my wife and I, agreed that maybe it was to keep her heart safe and nothing more. (All this, conversation with my wife, happened prior to reading your advise. So I am happy to see I am doing something the right way :) ) I then proceeded to tell her, well you know how I was so worried in the beginning about the future of our relationship, with you being so close to him. That faded, because I decided to try and make it a none issue, getting to know him helped and I that I thought he is a wonderful guy in many aspects. But some of the things that happened in the past, which I decided to overlook, came back to me now that I found out you have started to talk a lot in the morning again. I think I wouldn't be worried, had I not thought of the call at 2am and how she would go on about him, when I tried so hard to go on about US in our conversations... So I asked, have you thought about how you really feel about him... and I don't mean it in a romantic way... She said he is like family... I replied, if so why can't he call or you call at the same times we call my son, your cousins, etc... She said, well because we are both free at that time in the morning. I replied that I could agree with her, that it may seem like the smartest choice of time. That however I had to be honest and say that it was very hard for me to understand and wanted to discuss with a professional so we can find a constant middle ground. At all times she told me that she would stop talking to him to ease my heart. I did however tell her that I wanted her to be happy, that I know her friends make her happy as well, that I did not want to keep her from the people she loves. That I want people to play the role they have, respect mine and that I want to not have doubts or fears. I believe that a professional could help us both in being clear about our needs and expectations.

Sorry had not read second page.

Good luck

Sometimes we let our fears get in the way of our actions, and put a lot of pressure on the ones we love to be comfortable with them. When we push to hard, we actually get the opposite effect we want, and make them uncomfortable with our demands.

Learning to work slowly is a skill that brings out patience in us toward those close to us, and also gives them the time to process the information we are trying to convey to them, as when they are comfortable with what we do, they can also understand why we do, what we do. The reverse is also true as being patient is also how you become comfortable with them, and can process the information you receive, and understand it better.

The mistake we all make is trying to get what we want, without regard to the feelings of others and with committed partners, that's is a cause for conflict, and misunderstanding.

There is no hurry, so take the time to be comfortable with each other thru communications, and work together to resolve your issues, thru patience and understanding.

I don't think your wife is naïve at all, I just think she enjoys her friendship. I also think she would be totally crushed if she didn't have that friend, but will slowly see for herself the needs for boundaries that you both set, for you both.

Whew, fingers are tired, and didn't really mean to rail on, but just trying to help.

Very well said, thank you once more. I don't want to change her, even though my actions sometimes indicate that. I, myself, don't want to change either, the only change I really want is that which brings positive improvements to my person as a whole. I am going to be the husband I believe I should be and enjoy being, as well as pay attention to what she expects of me. I maybe focusing too much on what others are doing and that has kept me from doing things I should be doing... That was DEEP! I am very glad I came to this site, hope I can help others like you guys have helped me.

I think that is very intersting this relationship.] she has with this guy. I wonder, does he ever come over and hang out with you two? Or do you and your wife hang out with him and his wife? I know personally for me my friends , all males and females, come over and have fun nights with me and my boyfriend. Perhaps you might glean some insight and feel more comfortable if you all had a dinner party OR bbq or just something so that everyone else, other than your wife and her firend, can get to know each other a little bit better.

Simply, that is what I had typed in the post I decided to delete. I would focus less on if the relationship is appropriate and trying to get her to see your side (what you view to be right), because what does that win you? An award in the "right" collum?

I would focus on being what you can be. The best husband you can be. She will either see it or not but you will have no regrets!

I too do not think she is "cheating" in the physical sense. I may not agree about the emotional relationship. But the fact she has let you in to that relationship (let you meet him, know she calls him) is a huge plus and advantage.

Good luck! Open communication and agreed upon boundaries are definitely a plus!