Hi, I need some help and advice. Me and my finace were to be married in 3 months time, we have been together for almost 9 years... everything was going well.. like any relationship we have had our ups and downs... but generally I would say ioverall the 9 years have been good years... we were saving for the wedding and mortgage and so I worked in Singapore and he worked in the UK... He came to visit me last month and I noticed things weren't right with him... I asked him many times what was wrong... was here stressed about the wedding... worried about getting married... was he seeing someone... he denied all... then two days before he was due back in the UK... we had to pay for our wedding rings which were customed made and I just could not do it because I knew something was not right.. he was still insistant we should pay.. but I knew something was v wrong... he then told me in the heat of the moment that he does not love me this way and he has tried etc and now wants to do things for himself.. the next day I accidentally worked out he was cheating behind me.. and has been seeing someone from work... he left singapore back to the UK... a week later I got a email from him, except I think it was written by his new chick (the writing style etc was v different)... telling me good bye and got blocked from Facebook... my ex started texting me once a week to say he will talk soon... butwhen he did- he sounds stressed and I realised its because he is next to his new chick... since then we have not talked- its been a month now... but we do need to talk as his stuff is here in singapore... I just learnt he is comingto singapore to pick his stuff up end of dec- but I heard that his new chick is coming too.. what I s worse is that new years eve would have been our 9th anniversary...

I have accepted the relationship is over.. it has to be.. is v v sad because I do miss him and love him v much... and I don't know how to proceed.. I know I cannot see him in singapore in dec whilst his new chick is here- its just to harsh for me... I also know I will only talk to him.. when we both had a good breathing space...

I would like the opportunity for us both to sit down and talk about what had happened.. for me its important as if this isover I need to make sure I have looked at everything and so when I move on I can with no turning over my shoulder.. the problem is I can't speak to him and I feel that his new chick is interefering to the point where I have backed off...

It's a v sad situation indeed...

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. It must be very difficult to cope with especially since you were with this man for 9 years! I think it is very insensitive of him to bring over his "new woman" when he must realise the pain you are going through!

All I can say is at least you have found this all out before you actually got married.

It is best that you find someone who will love you as much as you love them. You don't want to be in a situation where your partner has to "try" and love you.

If you don't feel that you can speak to him when he comes down for his stuff, then my advice is don't! Only do what is best for you.

I wish you the best of luck with your situation! Try to focus on the positive aspects of your life and surrond yourself with friends and family! Be happy and be confident within yourself!

Dear imzz46,
Many thanks for your kind email.. it has been v v difficult indeed.. I am planning to cargo his stuff back to UK.. even thou I will do this, I know he will still come to singapore with her.. at least this way I don't have to do anything related to them.. to be honest I do think it is important to talk.. as I found out and guessed about what was happening.. to this day he has said nothing nor given me any explanations.. basically I have been left in the total dark and hanging.. worst still his new woman is well runningthe situation which I think is v wrong for her to interfere in this way... its v hard as I am v close to his members of his family and we have some mutal friends back in the UK and OZ.. As we lived there for two years before we came to singapore... I guess what I need is a kind and respectable closure.. at the end of the day I know I did not do wrong.. and that even now I will make sure his stuff gets back to his mums because well... I have always been kind to him and so I just don't see why I should start being horrible.. life is too short for that.. I do wonder if he thinks of me as just like that he walked out and I have not heard from him.. the few text and email I got was written by his new woman- which is v poor standard... I guess he really must not care.. hard to believe as two weeks before he came he sent me a card telling ,me how he could not wait to see me and get ready for the wedding... it's a good job I did find out and put 2+2 together.. as I reckon he would have just gone down and down and dragged me in it...
I will be okay as I lucky have a good job, good friends and family and most importantly respect for myself.. I never ever thought that if this relationship would end- it would do so in such a ugly, ty way.. its v shocking and I think I will always wonder why this way.. why just not tell me and do things respectable as ending a relationship is as important as starting one..

I have accepted the relationship is over..


I agree, and after 9 years with nothing to show, talking will not help. Putting your life together without him, and not looking back, is the best way to proceed from here.

Sorry for your loss, but make today the first day, of the rest of your life.

Hi talaniman,
Many thanks for your email.. it left a glup inside me thou- as I know I have tomove on and I am actually quite scared.. I know it will be v hard as I do love him v much... everything has happened so fast and we have not spoke for 4 weeks now... I have started moving on slowly, but I feel v empty and incredible sad... I never saw this coming at all... I think your right talking will not help... I guess it's the thought of never seeing him or even talking to him that hurts... my greive in thelast four weeks has changed.. first I cried over the love.. and now I cry because I have lost my best friend- as he was th eonly one I was really ever close too.. we were always laughing and joking all the time... this week has been v hard... it's the not sharing your laughs with someone you have done in 9 years that hurt the most... and finally I guess it's the shock of how can a person just walk out and not feel anything... its v hard to digest all that...

Be kind and patient with yourself, as of course its hard to fill that hole in your soul, and 9 years is a long time to get use to someone, no doubt.

Give yourself time, and plenty of it, to grieve and heal. You will slowly find yourself, and love yourself.

There is no hurry.

Dear all,
I am now at the position where I am in the middle of the road; and I am scared to take the next steps.. his stuff is here and I know he and his new chick has booked tickets to come here in singapore... I don't think I can cope with this at all.. if he came alone then I would be brave and dealt with it... what do I do, at one side I could just send the very personal stuff back and just pay the cargo... but I know they will still come... on the other side.. let him deal with it.. either way I can't find peace... I am afraid that if I send things back his family will be in touch and start asking for more things etc... the way I see it is I was with this person for 9 years.. one day without an explanation he walked out and 2 months later he has not called or contacted me about his stuff or anything he has left behind here.. in singapore we have an apartment under both names, he walked out and did not care.. left me to deal with it all, knowing that I could not pay the whole rent all on my own... the apartment was furnished by us both and has memeories of 9 years in it... unfortunately I now have to live in it for another 18 months before I can move due to mycontract... okay I guess I can work this bit out and so no worries... our wedding wsa planned and paid out by me here in singapore... I had to cancel and loose everything... do this tday he has not mentioned or helped with anything... the only thing he demanded before heleft was money- which I gave him.. but he wanted more- but I could only give him what I had at the time.. seriously I don't owe him any more money... I suppose if he did contacted me to sort things out then fair enough.. but so far nothing...
I think the right thing to do is to send his stuff out of here asap and then all my issues with him is done with.. but I know that will cause problems back home... like but he has booked a ticket.. but he wanted this and that... the truth is, he booked his ticket without consulting me at all.. did not even ask if that time was okay or not with me.. he and his new chick went and made plans and are expecting me to obey them... what shocks me is that I am v close to his mum and to this day she has not actually told him the way he has handled this is wrong... I feel like he and his family really must think this is one big joke.. do they realise how painful this is for me, do they realise that I am left with all the mess... I am starting to feel they must not care at all...

I'm really sorry this has happened you think you would know someone after 9 years. For him to do that is low

Tell you what rent a little stroage place give him the address put his stuff there and be done with the tosser

You don't want him back which is great it shows that you are strong!

I wish you all the very best!

What he wants is irrelevant. YOU OWE HIM NOTHING! Ship his things and get rid of him! You shouldn't have to deal with him and you certainly shouldn't have to deal with his new girlfriend. And as far as his family asking you for more things, ignore any request that does not suit your needs. Time for you to be selfish. He has been acting very selfish, thinking only about himself and disregarding you completely, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO GET HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE FOR GOOD. You shouldn't have anything left to deal with or worry about it. He made his choice, time for you to work on yourself and your life regardless of his 'preferences'. It is your right to do what's best for you. Cutting him out of your life will only help you move on a little quicker and you are entitled to anything that can help you in the healing process. Take care of yourself, he started doing that the minute he cheated. You have nothing to feel bad about.

Good luck!

I think the right thing to do is to send his stuff out of here asap and then all my issues with him is done with..
That's the thing to do! Be done with it.

I know that will cause problems back home...
Let him worry about everything else, and tell him get screwed!!!

You've done more than your share. Let him do his!!!

No worries! Best of luck with it all! And believe in yourself! You are better off without him!

Dear all,
Many thanks for the advice and help.. its really help me.. just go and do the thing that needs doing... one good news I have some cargo people coming this Saturday to quote the stuff and hopefully will get his stuff shipped back to his mums... I decided not to let anyone till a few days before and I will just let his mum know...
Another problem - and this one is rather scary.. his sister got in touch with me on facebk- we get along v well- she is 11 years younger than me.. anyway when she send me a message she was about to go to bed, whilst I got up in singapore and she replied so quick.. I told her I feel like she is round the corner and I will speak soon... literally 40 minutes later the new chick left a message on her facebk inviting the sister and kids to dinner one day.. really I find this shocking... I guess new woman wants me to get jealous as she has taken my place.. what she don't get is she hasn't... I have know the family for 9 years and I can't just vanish- even if I want to.. and if they do stuff with the new woman- that's between them not me.. so why keep doing this.. I am think you have the man I love, you have made sure we have not talked in two months... I liove 24 hrs away from a plane to manchester.. you have him... why prove more to me.. and then your comingto singapore of all bloody things- why can't she just leave me alone... obviously I am v upset at the moment - but I have a life.. I have a job and I am up to my eyes balls with stuff... rubbing it in.. Just makes me she how desperate and sad she is... I don't get it because well I am just a v normal person.. I am not great or ugly looking.. just v normal... so I think now you have the man I loved - why don't you get of my face... what's going on here..?

She's insecure! She's jealous of you and she feels she can't live up to the 9 year relationship you two had. The more she plays these little games, the more transparent her insecurities are. Ignore it, it's not worth an ounce of your energy.

Dear dragonfly,
Thank you for your email and reply.. that's what my best friend told me last night.. its v hurtful.. now she has put of picture of her on Facebook with him kissing her... its not v nice- as everyone here in singapore, oz and uk can see this- all my friends can see this, all my work friends can see this.. his sisters can see this... I saw this last night and died inside but then I reminded myself that well I was with this person for 9 years and so don't worry about it too much.. she is just trying to bring you down and down... today I had a few work people coming up and just asking how I am.. etc and then one in oz saying er.. I don't know how to tell you this but in facebk.. etc.. So ifeel really e.. I know she is pushing me.. pushing me out of all the family and friends we both had... over 9 years.. that is v wrong- she doesn't have the right to do this.. she has the man.. what more does she want?. I can just vanish to mars.. saying that I would not mind doing that right now... what is so hard is that it is like the whole world is watching you... that's like no privacy at all... I just feel so embarrassed.. as my friends see me struggle to come to work.. and get a day through.. then see puts pictures like that up... as you said the water your own grass and make it greener- it is true- despite this somehow I must finish work and go to the gym.. I must do these 2 things today.. and I hope I can do them because today I am finding it just that bit harder to get by... I know when I get home I will cry a lot today, because it is just one of those days where I just can't be v strong.. and then this morning of all things - I got an email from him.. asking me hope all is okay and take care.. this email was written by him and not her and so it's the first time I have heard since sept 6th.. I did not reply to that yet.. I find the closure v hard as I feel I nor my partner had the chance to really talk and ended the relationship.. it feels like it was ended by another person and your so out of control.. your hands are tied... that is not v right- for the 9 years we had we should be able to have that space to do that.. I feel v strangled.. no wonder I find it hard to move on... there are days I move a few steps forward and then she will do somethng and I am back to square one.. I wish his blinkers would open and he can see how hurtful she is being..

The shipment is ready to go tomorrow.. I am strugglingto cope.. all the photos , cards everything is there.. I will never see them again.. my head says just do it.. my heart is screaming...

I will never see them again.. my head says just do it.. my heart is screaming...

Given the traumatic events your going through, of course your feeling are confusing. What you need is time to grieve your loss, and cope with the pain.

I know that after 9 years, it will take a lot of time before the emotional dust settles, and you can see, and think clearly, and cutting all contact with the two of them, in all forms and fashions is the only way to start the healing process. (No more Facebook, myspace, or online ), A vacation, or change in scenery is in order, and some honest reflection, will put this in perspective, as you may realize that you had a lot to do with the way things happened, and have a lot to do with the way you cope now.

I suggest some physical activities to work some of the stress off, and a real plan as to regrouping and rebuilding your life, without him in it.

Maybe you can't see it now, but you will learn, grow, and be much better off, now that he is out of your life, and you have your freedom to get healthy, with healthy people.

Its tough, so be patient, and don't expect to be better without work, and effort on your part.

Put yourself first, and learn to love yourself.

Dear talaniman,
Many thanks for your reply.. I know I will need time, space to grieve and start healing... I know not contacting is the senisble thing to do... I am trying to make each day that bit better.. it is v hard.. I make sure I go to the gym and I know have to learn to fill in some of my weekends.. as I always justed worked.. and so I have made sure that I have one thing to do with a person one of the weekend and the other to just relax..

In many ways I say he is gone.. in other ways I am v unsure- I guess time will tell... perhaps I shoul dnot answer this now or even try to.. as I am not ready..

I would like to be happy again- these 6 weeks I have been miserable and v tearful.. I am normally v happy and full of jokes etc.. I have lost all self confidence as well.. I don't know why... but I noticed last week I found it v hard to sit around a group of people.. its werid because I never have that problem.. and these people are my friends.. its like wearing a swim suit in a law office..

9 years is a long long time.. and so this will take time.. and there will be good and bad days.. and I have to put myself first- something I think I have forgotten how to do.. stupid I know... I can't remember when I did put myself first..

I know I love him... the history is big with many good memories... I am not sure how to deal with my heart yet...

What am I scared of.. of waking up one day and finding myself again.. all happy and upbeat... but still feel that empty loss of him.. and deep down even though everything is good around you that one person missing makes you v sad.. what do I do then?

I guess its one step at a time.. I must fix myself first and then worry about the relationship issues... this way I can have better clarity within myself.. and the situation..

What do I do if he wants to talk to me in the next month..?

I feel v drained..
Is the above thinking a good way?

Taliman is right; don't go on Facebook, my space or anything where there might be something to affect your healing process. 'NothernNiceGuy' on here tells us about his ex who would always contact him when he was making good progress to move on and tell him she is uncertain about the breakup etc. things to screw with his mind as soon as he was making good progress. Eventually he blocked her emails and stopped her from having any contact with him whatsoever. Recently he even changed his phone number because he realised that this was the only way for him to really move on. It must have been very hard for him to do this but it was the only way for him to re-build a life for himself, in where he is happy.

I know it is hard for you to think that you may one day be happy and completely over him and of course it will take a lot of time, but you do eventually move on, really move on. One day you will no longer want him, you will meet someone new who will make you very happy and will say to yourself that it wouldn't have been possible if your ex hadn't done what he did.

I encourage you to read as much as you can on here, there are many people who are grieving over the loss of an ex and MANY who tell us how they thought they would never get over their ex but DID in fact and are happier now than ever.

Also, I know it's hard but replying to his email will only hurt your healing process. Everyone on here will tell you to have NO CONTACT with him whatsoever. The sooner you cut all contact with him, the sooner you will move on.

You deserve to be treated better than this.

Anytime you need to talk on here, go right ahead, we're listening.

You can expect it to be rough for a while, as your still freshly hurt. Cry when you feel like it, vent if you must.

This is a great place to rant and rave, and get support!!

Just don't throw stuff!!

Dear all, a huge thank you for all your kind words and support... his stuff went for shipping today.. it was v hard to see the ship guys pack things- for I know I will never see the 9 years of photos,cards love letters etc... cried a lot today but I know that sending his stuff back was the right thing todo... I am glad to have done this, rather than wait for him to come and do the packing- I know after what I went through today , if I waited for him to pack his stuff.. I would have broken down to pieces... I would not want anyone to see me this way.. and so I am glad I did this myself... at least now I can start to pick myself up slowly and do what I can each day... if I left this to dec- I would just be panicking and stressing and been v worried about seeing him- as I know I am not ready for this..

I am confused. This is my second post.
I had gone NC for two months now, and last week I had a few drinks and I know I did wrong but I sms my ex-finace and asked if we would ever speak again? To be honest I was not expecting any reply but I got an instant reply saying yes and how was I.. I then rang him, he was at work and told me he was off tomorrow and so we can talk then. He voice sounded relieved and he said he was glad to hear from me. I was surprised, but inside my heart I was just glad to her his voice, and the fact he wanted to speak to me meant a lot.
The next day I thought about what happened, I know I should have not called him, as I was NC, but I knew eventually once the dust settles we would have to talk. We have been together for 9 years and just like that he walked out- it was a very unnatural action of him to do.I did not want to ring him as I did not want to sound desperate and I know he is with someone (the one he left for me). I realize whatever we need to do- must be done properly and with respect. So I decided to sms him to see if it was a good time to call him, as I did not want to add pressure or make things uncomfortable. I got a sms back and it was cold, saying NO sorry I am busy but I will contact you when I am off next time. Now I am confused, why tell me he was off tomorrow and was glad to hear from me if was going to get cold? I don’t know what to do as his family told me to hang on for a while, as they said he is not looking happy and they said he does miss me v much- it is written on his forehead… and that the girl he is with is applying all the pressure and is wearing the pants….if I did not love him, or value what we had over the 9 good years with him, I would walk away by now, but the thing is I do love him v much, 9 years is a long long time… I would need to really double check things before I fully walk away.. for me if I came to that conclusion I would never look back….I have not come to that conclusion… I have no conclusion todate.. and so I told myself to look after myself and start moving on.. when that time comes.. then it comes and then deal with things and keep all options open and make the right decisions then.. and so don’t worry too much right now.. since the break up- things have been in the air somewhere, the NC is good as it allows one to start healing, but it also gives one time to think, reflect and come to terms with what happened.. I see now many ways of how we can resolve our issues. I also respect that it takes 2 to work this out and both partners have to be willing and wanting this as well. I also accept that if we talked and it turned out there was no way we can be together- then fair enough.. the important thing is that we talked etc and came to finalize that decision after readdressing issues... I realize now that I will need this, for a closure… and to move on fully… if I didn’t I will have too many ‘ifs’ and ‘questions’ in my heart that will be there for the rest of my life…
So has he gone all cold because he has changed his mind? Or is just playing with me? Or he needs more time? Or is he under pressure from the girl he is seeing right now and she is running the show? Or is she not reayd to deal with what has happpened? From what I have seen the past few weeks, I feel in my heart the girl is running all of this? His family have also told me this… the girl has placed tremendous pressure psychological on my ex, such that they can see he is unhappy, missing me…. And is not communicating with the family v well… his character is no longer the same and in many ways he looks ‘totally lost’.
What do I do…. I want to reach him v much… but I don’t know how…

You say you had 9 good years but the fact is he is with somebody else now and that will not change unless and until he wants it to.
You called and so he KNOWS you are interested so the ball is in his court and all you can do is leave it alone. Contacting him will only be counter productive and end up being more upsetting to you in the long run.

The idea of NC is to get them out of your mind, to move on, to start living your life again, not setting around just planing or thinking of them.

So time to move on

Maybe you don't understand what NC really is, and why you keep it until you have healed.

What good does it do to start healing, and pull the scab off before its ready? That's what you've done, stopped the healing process before you healed, with a drunken text at that. Now his response has started the questions, and FALSE HOPES all over again.

I understand how tough it must be to lose someone after 9 years, and I can bet you can rationalize, any position you want, (closure?) but two lousy months after what you've been thru is not enough, as your learning. The reality is, you interrupted your healing, and must resume it. That's the bottom line.

I know , and you are right, NC it is.. it is just v hard... I am OK during the weekdays... it the weekends and the mornings as I used to speak to him 4 times a day... I am trying to better myself and keep myself busy... but at the end of the day I miss him v much... even thou I can't do anything about it... this is going to be much more difficult than I would wish for and I know it will take years to get over it... I hope I do get over it... there are days than I feel I will be like this forever...

I won't lie, its probably the hardest thing you can do. But it can be done, and even though old habits and thoughts can be overcome, the trick is to make new habits, and thoughts, by planning ahead, and structuring your life with new activities and friends that you enjoy.

Its rough at first, but it will get better. We all go through this and your hardly alone, but read through the stickies, and some of the stories of those in your situation, for insights and suggestions, about COPING with your feelings. You can do this.

All you need is a little time to figure out who you are and what it is that YOU want. After you find yourself and the person deep inside, than worry about the Love of your life. Maybe this happened for a reason. Maybe it happened just so you can have time for yourself. I wish you the best, and good luck!

Dear all, after readingthe open letter the ex- I felt that I wanted to clear the air with my ex-finace's girlfirend- who has ruined my life and has been a pain in the arse since I have found out- she got involved with my relationship with myles, by textingme, emailing me and winding me up on Facebook, upsetting me and many family members. I knew myles for 9 years and we were to marry in two months from now...
She wants myles, she has him... well she might as well know a few home truth...
should I send the below?

Dear Sarah,
I thought it was time I sent you an email. Well first I should congratulate you! Congratulations Sarah! You have indirectly done me a huge favor. People say things happen for a reason and sometimes when bad things happen in life, it is actually a blessing! To be truthful with you I could not see how this could be a blessing in anyway, but with time I have noticed that my shoulders are not weighing me down like ton of bricks. It took me a while to realize why.
So what have you done? You have given me FREEDOM and indirectly by falling in love with Myles and letting him live with you, you have removed ALL MY PROBLEMS- you are now carrying ALL MY PROBLEMS on YOUR SHOULDERS. My apologies for not thanking you sooner, like I said it took me a while to realize this.

Now I will be frank, I don’t know you, I don’t need to know you and nor would I ever feel the need to want to know you. Nevertheless I think you should know a few things, to keep the record straight and honest.
1) Myles never FINISHED IT WITH ME nor did he told me about YOU! When Myles came to Singapore, I already knew something was wrong. When we had sex together soon after he landed, right after, like 30 secs later, I asked him who he was seeing- v direct and v straight to the point... he said no one, he could never do this to me... ever... really? In fact I asked at least a million times over the 5 week period whilst he was here and gave him the opportunity to tell me. I logically figured if a man was in love with another, or was ing around, he should well MAN UP and tell his woman he likes another person like a MAN would, sort the situation out and then leave and be with his new chick. This way a woman can appreciate her man’s honestly and let him go and a man can admire his woman’s understanding and let her go. Then he can go and play happy families with his new chick. That is the right way to do this. I have been WITH YOUR MAN for 9 years, and I have been ING YOUR MAN for 9 years and I have LOVING YOUR MAN for 9 years- 9 years is a long time- a lot of ing, kissing and loving has been going on during this time- all I need is one kiss, one second of ing, one look from his eyes to know if he is cheating on me, that’s how close we were. So I knew already within 3 hours of him arriving in Singapore (yep did not take long to have sex and there was plenty of it) that I had caught him red handed. Myles had all the opportunity to tell me IF he wanted this relationship over and about YOU anytime in the 5 weeks he was here, I tried to give him this time and so he can tell me respectably in his own good time, but he did not. In fact he had 10 months (thinking back) to tell me. There was no gun to be head forcing him to be with me. WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE WITHSOME LIKE THAT IN MY LIFE AS A LOVER? His actions tell one that that he is not clear about anything at this point. If I was in his shoes, and I was madly in love with someone, as painful as it would have been I would have told my man straight, especially if there is a wedding on the way. My actions would not just have an impact on my man, but every single member of the family and friends. Thus it would be so important to give an explanation and a decent one for all the heart ache I would be causing- don’t you agree? I certainly would not be ing both men at the same time- that would be a sign of I don’t know what I am doing and so I will do both of them for now. Someone told me that you have been chasing him like a “crazy mosquito” since Feb. Thus Myles had a lot of time to stop sharing his life with me. He has had a lot of time to tell me what he needed to say, give his explanations/ come clean and walk out like a MAN. But he didn't hmm. I REALIZE NOW HIS ACTIONS AND BEHAVIOUR IS NOT OF A MAN WHO HE KNOWS WHAT HE WANTS AND VALUES IN LIFE. Thus he played with whatever came along. What does your dad/ male friends think of this?

2) How did I find out?
When I saw the text from Ceci (I presume that’s your nickname) I first tried to halt the wedding plans as I was overwhelmed and I needed to think, but then he pushed me into getting things done for the wedding and so I told Myles straight, I could not go ahead with the wedding as something is not right and I can’t marry someone who is not being honest. Looking back I am shocked as he still wanted to go ahead with weddings rings payments and carry on with our wedding plans, he said he is going through a ‘low’ moment and will be fine, he actually told me I was worrying for nothing! But I could not pay for the wedding rings, as I knew I was 99.999% certain and so I stop everything. It was the ONLY right thing to do. Thank god I used my head and stopped, despite what my heart was feeling. Even then he never said anything about YOU. When did I find out about YOU? When he SLIPPED up with his words and said he will pick the remaining of his things up in Dec on the way to New Zealand –that was two hours before he left for the airport and that’s when I figured how he has been playing with-YOU. WOW, I hadn’t realized he made TWO PLANS, WITH TWO WOMEN and obviously was planning to be in TWO places at the SAME MOMENT IN TIME. Very smart moves Myles, how far was all this going to go? I wonder if Myles was planning to clone TWO S?
I obviously was v devastated with this, and was emotionally overwhelmed with grief, HOWEVERI REALIZE NOW HOW LUCKY I AM TO KNOW MYSELF WELL, TO KNOW MYLES WELL, TO PICK UP THE SIGNS AND STOP. Would Myles stop? If I did not find out what I did, would he be with you or me? Big question: would he actually tell me? Doesn’t matter for me now- but it is something for you to ponder on I guess.

Just like that everything that did not make sense over the 5 weeks he was here, suddenly made sense, not hard to work out really. Myles said he “never thought he would meet someone just like him”, you were kindly described as one who “likes to party hard’’, someone ''who is like one of the guys" and then ‘’ at least she is not a prostitute and so I guess it is alright’’ and “oh yes you have some qualifications on psychology”! Shocking, poor and disrespectful is all I can say Myles, considering you moved in with this person 24 hours after saying this. Took me a while to get to grip with all of this, with all my pain and heartache, but now I can see how SHALLOW, SELFISH, NARROWMINDED and SHORTSIGHTED he has become.

As painful as all this has been; I now realize a few things:
“Cheater will always be cheater (he cheated twice with me: first with a Thai prostitute whilst I was in the UK, which took two years of hard work to build that trust- ask anyone! And with you- who knows maybe there was more), cheaters are selfish individuals, devious, insecure, and shortsighted beings who will always care more for what they can get, than what they can give, will never commit fully and will only do when it is all rosey and sweet, but when it gets to the real life and when there are signs of problems, they will run as fast as they can, rather than embracing and dealing with that situation, will never cherish what they have for long, but will always believe the grass is greener on the other side, and will always have that “eye” out for the greener grass, cheaters have NO BOUNDARIES, they don’t know when to stop and will cause a trail of havoc without correcting themselves, cheaters are loyal to themselves and only them, they will think of then first and maybe their mate if it fits in with what they want, the mate is always second whether it is the wife or the mistress”

As much as I love Myles and miss him so much for what he was, rather than what he has become, I now know one thing:

I JUST HAD TO LUCKEST ESCAPE OF MY LIFE

Wouldn’t you agree?

Oh yes if I did send this it I would unblock her- send it on Facebook, and block her again...

Probably not what you want to hear but this is the worst plan ever. You will regret sending it, as it clearly shows how bothered you really are by this whole situation. Just a summary:

1) you show that it bothers you, a lot - just displays your weakness, not your strength
2) It will not lead to any results - he won't come back and she won't leave him
3) It can lead to a dragged out mailfight which will definitely mess with your emotions
4) They will be more bothered if you decide not to contact them at all, think about it, this is a much better display as to how happyyou are that you are rid of this guy and the situation than to contact them again.

You are above them, and above this situation, so let it go.

Thank you- well is a good thing I stuck it here instead- as ti be honest it would take great courage for me to send it- and so I posted it here and hope I get good feedback instead.

Take the high road and live a happy life, best revenge you could give

Its been a hard day today, I told him mum his cargo is sent and I want to be left alone... I don't want to see him or his chick and so this is the best way... she said I was to rash with my decision as she feels my ex still feels for me.. and so I said well there is nothing I can do now... but I am v sad today- I feel like screaming at both of them... and so I wrote this letter and I feel like an idiot...

I understand how hard this must be, and that you want to lash out to hurt both him and her. To be quite honest, they deserve it in my opinion.

With that said, what are you going to accomplish by sending that letter? Nothing! I know it must feel good to let that all out, but you will only cause more hurt for yourself in the end. I know you want both of them to feel how much you hurt, but they haven't done that, so it will do you no good. Both of them obviously have no conscience, and probably deserve each other anyway. Nothing you can write or say will change that.

Just sit back and know that what comes around, goes around, and karma will come knocking on their door! Trust me it will, and then you will have the last laugh.

First of all I would like to welcome you to the club. This is a phenomenon that's practiced world wide. It's a disease that strikes all walks and facets of life.

Once they believe they can get away with it they will do it again. Not only will they do it again, But it will now become a very normal part of their life. So normal that they begin to think it is what is supposed to happen. They are cowards,liars,selfrightous.

Best this has happen now before the expense of the wedding and the embarrassment it would have caused with friends and family.

Your right to let him go and I give you a warm hug and these gentle words.
The path of life has many turmoils,hurdles, and misguided events. But believe in this, there is a reason. You are now a stronger person, and your caring and affectionate ways Will fall into the person you are supposed to be with, but maybe couldn't because you would have been married to Mr wrong.My advice would be not to communicate any more with him," cut off the bleeding as they say" Move on. Don't give his pathetic life style any more of your time or attention. If he calls hang up quickly with not one word for him to hear. This is what will hurt him because his disease needs turmoil. Keep moving on, and when you are weak and I know you are now, find something to keep you busy.. Time will heal this broken heart... How do I know you may ask? I am married, and found out that my wife has been cheating on me, for a long time now... I have a 5 year old daughter that had given me the hint to find this out, so now we are separated, I am alone in my heart, except I know one thing, my daughter is the best thing to ever happen to me and when I feel sad or depressed I think of her... Take care my friend , time will heal... slowly But it does happen.

I wouldn't send it, but I love your paragraph on cheaters I agree 110 percent on that

Thanks guys- the feedbacks are great, I am glad I did not make a fool of myself sending it. I not sopken to the ex for a while and to be honest I don't have the strength or will power too, I am v hurt and although this happened 2.5 months ago, it feels like it happened yesterday. He was not right for me- no person that cares for a person would walk out just like that, without an explanation. I do hope they both have it coming to them- your right they deserve each other- both are selfish and heartless people and don't care for anyone else but themselves. I want to recover from this as soon as I can. I have been so miserable since and cried so much, I am amazed that my tear ducks can still produce tears.. it sucks..

Cool... see feeling better already aren t you... lol Thanks, Dale charleston,sc:):):)

Hi Fredj88,
Shocking as it is- cheaters are cheaters- when it first happened- he was so so sorry and he really cried, I felt so bad and I thought I should forgive as anyone can make such a mistake- we are stupid humans after all.. but I learnt that once they do that- they can do it again... such a sad thing to see...

Yeah I feel a bit better- I think for the last two months I have been quite and maybe I should just talk more and get it out of my system.. that's everyone.

Your right... talking makes the problem slowly disappear. Take this and put it in the closet of your mind the place where you know it won't bother you no more. Keep it from your heart. Lock it up... But get over it... Live happy, I am more than possitive some one else's is out there and your happiness will be so much more, and full of the respect and love you deserve... I am back at college on line now finishing up a degree in criminal Justice, have to ask myself would I have done this if I was still with her?? Proably not... Here is my tag you could go there and leave me a message when your blue, or your doing well. Talking to some one with the similar circumstances helps... and brings new friends also... Take care Dale Tagged - Dale B's Page (http://tagged.com/slowneasy1)

Talk here as much as you want. It's better than wasting time with them. I understand. I've been there! A lot of us have been there. It is an indescribable pain, and the ultimate betrayal.

It is much better to come here to let your feelings out. Don't waste another minute of your life on them. In the end they still won't get it, and will only frustrate you, and keep you focused on their lives.

Dale B, I'm also sorry for what you are going through. But it helps to talk to others who know just what you are going through.

Dear all, thank you for your kind words and wisdom. I feel a bit better that I can talk. It is v hard, but yes I should not waste any more of mylife with such not so nice people, its hard as you remember them when it was all good.. I am glad I did not post that letter to her- go di felt like it, but I am so glad I stuck it here- words and thought by many have been good for my heart today- I am so drained and nackered and I need to get myself sorted.. I do get myself sorted and then just fall back like an idiot. I have to be strong and move on.. god knows how- maybe I should get amensia and forget the 9 years! That would be v nice... take care everyone and thank you so much for your words... at least now I know if they choose to come to singapore from the uk- I don't need to see them or deal with them- that is one relief I have today.

Take care... Wish you well

dear all, thank you for yur kind words and wisdom. I feel a bit better that i can talk. Itis v hard, but yes i should not waste any more of mylife with such not so nice people, its hard as you remember them when it was all good..i am glad i did not post that letter to her- go di felt like it, but i am so glad i stuck it here- words and thought by many have been good for my heart today- i am so drained and nackered and i need to get myself sorted.. i do get myself sorted and then just fall back like an idiot. i have to be strong and move on.. god knows how- maybe i should get amensia and forget the 9 years! that would be v nice...take care everyone and thank you so much for your words...at least now i know if they choose to come to singapore from the uk- i dont need to see them or deal with them- that is one relief i have today.

You are not an idiot! Don't ever think that for a second. You are hurt, and rightly so. 9 yrs is a long time. Don't ever appologize or feel bad for how you feel. It's is after all, how you feel, and you are entitled to some recovery time. When you are betrayed after a relationship that has been so long, it's almost like going through a death. You go through all of the stages of grief. Let yourself go through them. You need to do that to heal yourself.

Hi, okay I have been on NC and it has been hard. I made life easy by sending his stuff back to the UK and then a few days later emailed his mum to let her know its arriving at her house ( I don't know where the ex is stayinng with his new girlfriend and some stuff belonged to us and the family - like photos etc). SO all this is done and I feel relieved as I know I don't need to see him in dec- maybe he will not come. Then a good friend of mine (and his) emails me to let me know that he is still coming to singapore with his girlfriend! - I responded that what he does, is his business not mine. I was asked if I would see him and I said no- I need my space and time to heal sorry and plus coming with his new girlfriend is a no no for me to meet. There is no pointto meet- he left ne for his girl and walked out just like that after 9 years. I don't get it- why come to SIngapore? Why not go anywhere else on this planet but here- he is not stupid -as he is arriving two days before new years eve which would have been our 9th anniversary.. I feel he is just playing games...
God what do I have to do now, apart from hibernate in my place...

Enjoy your life without him of course, as you are fortunate, that his true colors came out, before you married him. Pretty obvious he was a cheater, so hard as it is on your emotions, you are free to pursue your own happiness, and may your blessings be many.

He is someone else's problem, so pray for her. For yourself, you have done the right thing.

Dear Talaniman,yes you are so right. I should live my life and be happy, I deserve that. IT will take time for my heart, but I am trying to understanding this mess with facts of events, rather than my heart. I realised this is the only way forward for me, it is the only way I can move on. I Deserve a real man, a honest one, one who has his own mind, and is independent and strong within himself. My ex, was weak, independent and had no boundaries- never had that line in front of him and so he is where he is today. As with the new girl friend- she must be his match as she pursued him, when she knew he was attached. The both deserve each other- some people say she will leave him and break his heart and some say it will be the other way round- honestly it does not matter. But you are right he is her problem now, not mine. If he comes to Singapore with her- he is one big fool and a idiot. At the end of the day , he will only show her what he lost- or should I say what opportunities he had with me... I think he has gone all with this new relationship as he got caught out red handed by me, and so now will go and pour his heart and soul to make this new relationship work, he has convinced himself he his happy etc- and will have to work a million times harder to make it work-good for him. I heard that he has already meet her parents etc... I am shocked on how quick he has moved and how quick he got over me- me was I nhis life for 9 years- I ask myself is this normal... moving on so quick? I presume he must be so so over me, maybe he never was into me, but just strung me along- how else can one move so quick, or he is v insecure and is planting himself down quick. The truth is he has not dealt with what he has done mentally- he feels what he did was fine! Oh my god! I hope he pays the price one day- he deserves it, as no one should mess with people's life and heart. I hope my days get better with time.

I am trying to understanding this mess with facts of events, rather than my heart.


Understanding will come when healing has done its job and cleared your mind. Don't worry about it now, just cope with your emotions in a positive way.

ONE thing I have wondered about why is it thati am hurting so much, and why is it that it is taking me a while to even get over the shock etc when I compare it to my ex- who I caught cheating- it looks like he has moved on so quickly, has a new girlfriend who he left me for, one minute he was with me, the next he has already moved in with her, meeting her family etc.. How come he is not hurting or sad... 9 years is a long time, the few months leading to this discovery of him cheating, he never told me once if he had a change in heart, was sad, not sure... NOTHING... instead he told me he could not wait to get married etc...

Its one thing to say something as serious as marriage... its another to bs about it. Unfournately after 9 years, he doesn't care.

But your the better one in the end. Pat yourself on the back because you show yourself as a true person. There are a lot more people out there. So don't think this is the last. Enjoy life. That's the best thing you have. Your own freedom to live.

Wish you all the best in the future

Dear Talaniman and everyone, I need your advice yet again...
Okay- yesterday I got an email from my ex. He said he was sorry, and that he misses me truly as a friend and in he sees me now like a close family member for life . He said he does not ever what to loose me as a person; I am apparently his best friend. He said he wants me to be happy and be OK as he gets v sad when he knows I am sad. He said he wants to talk to me next week and will call me when he is alone.


How do I respond?

What do I know and understand of my feelings:
I do know he has not registered the effects of his actions to me, my heart and my life. I think he has brushed this off so lightly, yet it has had a huge effect on me and my life- god we were about to get married and he is acting like it's an every day nothing situation. I think it will take time for him to realise was he has done. I would like to express this to him and get it off my chest, as I feel he should know how is behavior etc is so out of line: do you think it is wise to?

I know I don't want to see him soon- like December. I know this is right as my head tells this and I feel it. When I feel something strong as this, I know I am making the right choice and this is want I want. I have no fear or sadness to tell him this straight.

Do I want to see him in the future? This is where I don't know.When I think of life without him totally, I freak out because my mind is like a battle field: on one hand I have the painful 2.5 months, on the other I have 9 years of happiness (overall). We at the time had good love and good friendship. I know I am not ready to answer or deal with this question right now… so do I have to answer it right now? Would it be better to answer it when I am ready to- i.e. when I feel it and when I have more time to myself to think about things and balance thinsg better?
I don't want to answer this- as what if in 6 months time I am in (a) moved on, happy etc and hearing from him once in a while turns out to be OK or (b) moved on, happy etc but it time I really dislike him….the truth is I really don't know which way I will feel.. what do I do? I ask this as I know he wants to be friends forever… what I have noticed, is this is what he wants… v v much..

What I have thought of saying is:
To express his actions and behavior in two parts (a) cheating (b) the way he handled this when he got caught.
To tell him I am over him.
To tell him I need space and NC for a good few months (6 months at least) so I can build a life without him, to feel the freedom and happiness for myself, which I am really looking forward to.
I don't want to say I have to heal and get over you- he is so full of it right now.
(He can use this time to think of what he did- I am sure as time goes by- what he did will come back to him and that penny might drop- would be nice if it's a ton of bricks)- You never know in 6 months time- he might have realized his actions more than ever (he could also become more thick- I know)…
And finally to tell him:
I can't see him in the near future, but one day I will, but not right now.

I would like to leave something open- purely to give me time for me to sort myself out.. The worse thing for me is to say I never want to see you- go and take a jump …and then 6 months later I regret it and realize my harsh words and decisions did me no favors and end up regretting it. Ideally it would be best to make these decisions when I am ready (I am a scientist and so I always think of a million scenarios and options before I act)

Your thoughts and advice would be most appreciated

Oh yes one more thing- I don't want him back as a husband to be. So this is all about a possible future friendship, and I will only consider it if I have had all the apologies, I feet right as a friend as I am v loyal to my friends and only if friendship is met half way like I have with all my friends- he gets no special treatment here…if he becomes a lousy friend- he will get the ax.. Hence I have asked the above questions- once I have worked this out and had that chat with him, I want to close this book tight and move on and think about me and me only. Gosh I can't believe I am saying me and me now ( I have been ready to many posts! ), I have never thought about me only before- it is so weird! When and if that time comes, then it comes, until then he will just have to wait or he can disappear- his choice.

I guess what I am thinking is I don't know right now if I can be his friend, but if that possibility comes then he will have to earn it- and I might accept it, I might not- that is something I don't want to ask myself now because I need to heal first and think of me and my life right now
Cheers for all your advices

After what he has done, do you think it wise to reward someone with giving him what he wants?? I don't. Make no replies to him whatsoever.

When he had a chance to show he cared ,or at least respected you, he didn't. Even now he has done nothing to show he cares, and even his last email is a collection of his own wants, not yours.

In light of that, forget what you have written here today as false hope, and trying to rationalize your own misery, with your caring nature.

Your best course of action is a wholesale rejection of him, and his wants, and never reward him with your caring, and compassion.

He is not coming back for you, but to stroke his own ego, and lessen his hopefully guilt, for bad behavior.

Don't fall for the okedoke, and for once put yourself above what he wants. That simple. Do this for you.

You may always regret this chapter in your life, but while you may miss him, remember this, you didn't throw away nine years, he robbed you of them. A bandit doesn't deserve to get want he wants, not your love, your friendship, your caring, or anything else of you.

Reject him, as he deserves, forever, and find real happiness, and no more of his BS!

Dear Talaiman, thank you for your advice- its NC it is and no replys... your right he does not deserve anything- I should stop being nice and tough up... I find that v hard to do sometimes, a major weakness I have... he can go and find another best friend... he threw that away when he cheated, he desreves to loose me in every way when he cheated... it is a shame that he was really a nice person and one day slowly he changed and now he has become this... your right I do feel robbed- 9 years... that is a long time- no nailed your answers well to me and thank you v much

God I look forward to the day when I wake up and feel, relax and calm and at peace... these few months have drained me totally... I am v tired and I feel like my brains cells have shrivelled up with overloaded emotions. And information.. I am surprised my brain has not exploded yet! I really need to get myself together- which I am doing, but I need to do this at 100% effort and get my happy, chatterbox personality back in full swing... I can't remember when I laughed or joked these days... I miss myself! God knows what my friends think of me these days!

They probably miss their friend too!

Smiles... yes one of my friends did say how quite I am these days- rare rare words- first time I have heard anyone say that to me in 34 years! Guess I have some catching up to do!

I have got to the point where I have made closure with my relationship with myself. Now its th etime to heal and move on. Yet I feel stuck. Its v frustrating and upsetting because I have everything I need to have a good life- I have a good job, I live in a good place, I have good friends. Before all this happened I was a v happy person and now I find it so har dto just gel everything together again. I know it will take time and I must let this come to me and I know I must take small little steps... what I am stuck with is how to start... itell myself- just try to have a normal day, but I find it v hard... today I have been feeling v low and I look around me and it is like I don't recognise my life... it is so werid and I got v upset... I do appreciate what I have around me, always, yet today I feel v lost and then the panic sets in... how do I start and get myself out of this stuck situation... as I know once I am unstuck it's a matter on keep on moving...

Dear all, this is an update from my previous posts (will need to read all three to know what an earth I am talking about). Okay as you know I have been having a hell time since I worked out my x finance was cheating on me. He left for his flight to the UK on Sept, and he moved in with his new chick the next day (I only found this out last month). Immediately his chick blocked his account for him on face book and so I could not email him, and I would not ring as either he is working or with her. She is 25, I am 34 and Myles is 30 yrs old. I have to admit, I did try a few times- I was devastated- I was with Myles for 9 years- during which we had no problems when compared to any other relationship- we met whilst I was doing my PhD in the UK, then we moved to OZ for two year and then to Singapore- we were to marry on the 9th Feb 09 and just like that when I worked out he was cheating he swipe me out of his world in 52 hours ( 24 of this was on the plane)…during the last two years he worked in UK and I worked in Singapore to save up fast for a house in the UK and for our wedding. We would meet every 3-4 months and he would take off a good few weeks here and work in Singapore as well- so the arrangement was tough being apart but in many ways it was OK considering what our goals were for the future.

Okay I cancelled everything- all the wedding, his green card permit as he was under me here in Singapore, his flight back from UK to Singapore for 28TH Dec 08 and I told his mum. My reason was v simple, if Myles was coming on his own to sort all out then that is fine, but if he is bring his chick forget it…as he said he would pick his stuff up in Dec on the way to New Zealand- that was a slip up from him and that is how I worked out WHO he was cheating with. The girl works at the bar at his work place, he is a chef. Then a few weeks later I hear that he has booked a single ticket to come and get his stuff? I was confused- why book a single? His mum reckons maybe he is coming back? Then I hear his chick is coming to Singapore. I was floored to death as 31st Dec would have been our 9th anniversary- what is he thinking?? So I try to find clarity with his mum- apparently she had no idea, her son has not been round etc and she can't understand why he is doing this- in her eyes he has just thrown away the best life he could have got. In the meantime on a few occasion I try to ring him, whenever I ring him out of the blue he is fine, but if it’s a planned call he is all cold and I notice his chick is always in the back ground. Then the very next day she does something on face book like stick a picture of him kissing her as her picture profile! Or sends me a phone text winding me up about them going to have a good time in Singapore for NYE… I eventually crack and break more than ever and so I sent his cargo back- all professionally packed and delivered door to door and I paid for it as well. Then I inform his mum that the cargo will arrive first week of Jan. I then block his f***ing chick and so she can no longer emotionally destroy me and p**** off as the last two months I have been more worried about what is going on rather than me.

So I think you know what if Myles is really happy with his new life, he will let this drop and not come to Singapore and leave me be. He has got everything- there is nothing left for him here. He should be the happiest man on earth- he is in love etc… if I was in his shoes I would let it be. Although I found out he was cheating, he never told me what happened etc- to this day I have purely guessed on what has happened… Yet I felt I was dumped and I want him back as I love him. Deep down thou I know this would be v hard to fix... my heart says one thing and my head says another thing- I am so ripped to death. I cry all the time, so far I have cried to sleep every day since Sept and then when I wake up I cry for two hours before I get up. I look forward to the day I don’t. In the mean time I try to get back on my feet- I get two tenants in as rent here is 2 thousand quid for a 3 bedroom apartment- I have to pay this till April 2010, and of course Myles now will not be paying his share. So I sort my finance out. It is the only thing I have been able to do and the second thing is to go to the gym 5 times a week instead of three. That is it. That is as far as I have ‘moved on’, pretty crap if you ask me.

So this month I found out he has booked a return ticket and to my horror I realize they are still coming- obviously to have a good time etc… well I can’t stop them but this hurt the most. I cried and cried myself to sleep. You’re bringing your stupid chic two days before our anniversary and 3.5 weeks before our wedding. How wrong is that! Why is no- one from his family saying anything? What the hell is going on?? Myles why can’t you go anywhere in the world but here? Because of you two from yesterday to 16th Jan I can’t live or go out as Singapore is a v small place- I will see you with her – I don’t need to see this at all. This is my life, was ours, not hers. I guess at the end of the day he is just flashing his ego and she will be so sparkled by how wonderful Singapore is, except I realized all he is doing is showing her what he LOST! I don’t get why he is doing all this?
So he arrived in Singapore, and he told me whilst in UK airport that he will see me and then tells me there is a problem with his ticket etc… I told him ‘well I don’t need to deal with all this now- but I am sure you will sort it all out or your chick will- is that what girlfriends do’ he said ‘ Oh Right’ and I can tell he was shocked with my remark.

Today I get the call whilst I was at work and he was furious- he yelled on the phone. Today was the first time in 9 years he yelled at me. I was shocked and very sad. Apparently he found out two days ago at the UK travel agent that I cancelled his ticket and so he had to folk out an extra 460 quid to fly from UK to Singapore. He was not happy. So today he went to STA travel here in Singapore to have it out with them. Ameer dealt with him and I already rang him early this morning and so he was all clued up- thank god I did that, as Myles acted like he had no idea what was wrong with his ticket, so Ameer check it all and yes oh Dr Zeeniee apparently cancelled this flight- he showed the email and then Myles acted like he had no idea why etc and then Myles then said he paid for it and wanted his money back. Ameer v politely told him the payment was made by Dr Zeeniee on her credit card! And so he should get himself a lawyer if he wanted to pursue this further!! OOOOPPPPSSS!!

So Myles rang me and had a huge FIT. I was v calm. I said Myles did your mum not tell you that I cancelled your ticket in Sept? I thought she did because she said you booked a fresh return flight? Man he was peeved and I can see smoke coming out of his head into the sky from my office!! He went into a huge rant on ' how can you do this to me' , 'this is out of line zee', ' you really hurt my heart zee', ' your doing this to get back at me'... ' last week you said you wanted to see me and then you do this- how can you do this', 'right then fine if your going to me immature then I will not be your friend- fine I will not see you- hurt away.. that’s it’... and so on... I told him Myles calm down, why don’t you go and have a beer and chill out you know- it will do you good... he was totally out of line and I was a bit scared as I have never ever seen him like this.

Then he goes on and said- well I have lost 460 quid- that’s half a month’s wage- I can’t ask mum to pay this etc..! I am thinking Myles you’re crying over 460 quid- you cost me thousands of quid! And so far I have not even said a word to you, when I told him I cancel his flight with all the wedding- he said don’t mention the wedding to me... THEN he said right I am having a word with mum.. I thought go ahead- because you know Myles for some reason she has not passed one damm info to you that I sent to her- nor has she sat down with you and asked what happened, nor has she told you what a mistake your making! WHy has she not done this? I don't get it. Saying this I realise this is not my problem!! It’s your damm family!! And it’s your mother... so watch what you say!

Then he made out this journey is a waste of his time, blah... and that he did not even want to come apparently!!
He said he was only coming to get my stuff- I said but I sent it back...
He said well I came to see you - then I said why your chick here is...
Then he went quite. GOOD. I guess he has run out of excuses... OH DEAR!

He then went mad that I sent the cargo back- he wanted to do it. I sent it back cos (a) its NYE time, it will cost a fortune (b) I don’t want you back in the house, helping yourself to whatever you fancy (c) I don’t see why I have to do this months down the line and watch your stuff in my place, killing me slowly - Why do that- can't I have a bloody life? (d) you brought chick b***** face over and (e) she has been sending me nasty texts winding me up...
He was not a happy bunny at all. He is so self pitying himself like life has done him bad, like if I am the cruelest person he has met… shame he can’t see what damage he is doing. Anyway he slammed the phone down and I was fine, I was shaking for a while and then I had a good cry as well. I thought yes Myles, your v bitter these days- hmmm... wonder why. I reckon based on his voice etc, I think he knows he has so f****ed up this time and he has LOST everything, me, his life everything he worked for in 9 years. He is v worried about money like hell, maybe he realized that I will not be around anymore as his rock? And he knows his chick would never take care of him, like I did- she is a total airhead... I feel so sad- how the hell this all this happen? One chick= all this mess- I wonder if she is super human or something for him to throw all this away. No one from his family likes her- she smells like garlic, has bags under her eyes, stinks, is moody and v controlling… apparently has horrible skin and wears no make up… that’s what I get told on the phone from his sisters and mum- what the heck is going on… it is so hard for me to see this. He dumped me for THAT! I feel crap, what the hell was I to him?
Any comments on what you guys think? Cheers and sorry for the message being so long.

An update, today I get texts from my ex- asking me to pay for his flight from UK to Singapore. His reason is that he has come all the way to see me, to see if I am OK and to make peace and be friends- BUT he will only do this if I pay him 490 quid! Man I was shocked, and I told him if you were coming to see me etc you would come on your own, not with your chick. If that was the case then that would be different. It is clear you here for a good time and wants me to cover your holiday!! No way will I pay this, I am so upset and annoyed that he thinks I owe him this! I am fuming to think he believes he came all this way to do be a favor to check if I am OK. What a load of BS. So I replied and since then gone NC, as really I just don't want to see him ever again. I am sorry but I spent 9 years with him and now I have to buy his friendship? What?? How low can one get- worst thing is all the texts were written by the chick... arragggghhhhh! This is so so wrong and horrible. I feel pretty crap and worthless..

This guy sounds like an a-hole!

Yeah your right- he never was like this over the 8 out of 9 years I knew him... just like that he changed and became this!. I am so so shocked... I guess I am seeing his true colours- took him a while to show it! Well so far I have said nothing at all.. I would like to think he would never contact me again- but I know he will -as he will want that money- and I am sure between now to 16th jan he will be in touch- trying every trick he can think of, hoping I will give him the money... well I am afraid he will just have to jump up and down and huff and puff as much as he wants- as I am not giving him anything no more.. I owe him nothing- I truly hopes he gets what he deserves... HELL.

I just read the whole thread from start to finish and thought bloody hell Zeeniee you have gone through hell and back all right... I just closed my eyes and suddenly I feel like I have step out of my hell and now looking into it from a distance... hard to explain this bit... I am shocked at what a rollercoaster this has been, no wonder I am drained and exhausted. I guess you get to a point that you are so fed up with the whole thing and wish just wish to be free, as you can't remember what is was like to be free. The truth is I am in love with a person that I knew, not who he has become. If I saw this Myles in a bar- no way would I go near him! So from now on every time I think of him or he contacts me- I must say this is not the myles I knew, this is not the myles l loved- more importantly this is not the man that loved me, cared for me. This myles has changed for reasons I don't know (nor should I worry for).. he changed for the worse and so I will now not move or do an inch for this creature.

Lately my grieve has been changing a little to anger. I hate where I am today, hate the tears, heartache and anger. This morning I fumed over him- how dare he thinks I owe him money! And then a sly thought came to my mind and I grin whilst brushing my teeth. I would love to send him a cheque, and tell him.. oh myles your cheque was posted todayvia mail. Man I would love him to look forward to it, only when he opens it it would state his name, and instead of the amount I would write f**** off and die or something horrible as that! Obviously this is a thought- and don't worry I will not send it, but I could not help grinning, as I know if I did , well I think he would flip his lid... I realise today- so far I have not said one cruel thing to him, or done anything cruel... I guess I feel like hitting out at him and screaming at him, till I feel lighter and at peace with myself.

The truth is I am in love with a person that I knew, not who he has become.

Sound exactly like how I feel about my ex... and of course I stupidly have hope that she will become her old self again.

I am feeling pretty low at the moment- midnight is so close- I am gutted, furious and heartbroken- I don't ever want to see him again. I hope next year will be a better year than this one ;-)

I know, it is New Year's Eve. I am feeling pretty low myself today. Here is to a New Year, out with the past, and onto the future! Cheers to you, and cheers to a wonderful new year to us all! :)

Thanks Kctiger, well its new years day and somehow I am still alive. Its v hard, this is the first time in 9 years I was not with him, it was our anniversary to be last night- 9th one. Yeah I cried my heart out all right, knowing he was here and spent it with her- yeap he rubbed that in well in my face.
I know I can't do anything now- nothing will fix this. More importantly he does not deserve me at all. It hurts v much. I def did not deserve this pain.
So here I am in Singapore on my own, wondering what the hell to do with myself now. It hard as my ex is so close yet so far. My ex is here in Singapore till the 16th Jan with his girlfriend- I hope he has all his cake and I hope he eats it all... and then chokes on it-i really have lost all the respect I had for him... I can never trust him again in any form... he should have treated me with huge respect and handle this break up much better- in a kind way, instead he did this in the cruelest, selfish and heartless way a human could have done- that hurt more than him cheating on me. Why did he go about it this way I will never know, as he said himself I have done nothing wrong. Well I don't want to contact him again- I will not answer to him no more, but I know he will contact me before he goes back to the uk and that will be because of the flight money he will want... the t***!
I emailed his mum andupdated her on what he said- she rang me back and was in total shock and was fuming -she could not believe it- she herself told me not to give him a penny. She said she does not know him no more and is v dissapointed with him. That was last night. Today is another day and I promised myself to do at least one good thing for me everyday and try my v hardest to move on and get rid of my ex from my mind. He has to go. How I don't know, but has to go.

Happy New Year Zeeniee! I was in your shoes 2 yrs ago at this time also. It's not a fun place to be is it? It's still not "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year." But it's a bit easier than last year, and it only has to get better right?

Karma has it's way of coming around! I've witnessed it first hand, and I didn't have to lift a finger to make it happen. My ex is now virtually homeless. He lost his beautiful home, his family no longer speaks to him, he literally hasn't a friend to speak of, and on Christmas Eve, the girl he left me for threw him out on the street with only the clothes on his back.

The icing on the cake is he got jumped by a bunch of thugs with baseball bats, in the back lane of a seedy area of town. They broke many of the same bones that he broke of mine when he forced his way into my home after our break up two yrs. Ago at this time. He wasn't abusive before that, and I also found out through a bit of checking that he was cheating.

So, although our circumstances may be a little different, they are a lot the same in many ways. You are much better off without him, and although we both put a lot of time, energy and love into our relationships, we are so very much better off knowing now instead of later. The only thing worse than spending 9 long years with them, is spending 9 long years, and one day!

It will be midnite where I am in 2 hrs and 45 minutes. So I will raise a glass of champagne to you! Here's to a better New Year! :)

I'm very happy to hear that star b
Lol I must admit I love hearing about my xs failings
That's what they get for not being with me

A very shallow view I know but its honest

Happy new year all may this year be a good one!

May the "ball" accidentally drop on the heads of these people! LOL!

Hey starbucks and truefaith, many thanks for you messages- Happy New Year to you all.
Well I think I have moved a bit from the crying stage to what the f**** does he think I am phase. I still cry alot- but I swear a lot as well now. Seriously- this is a side of him I never came across in 9 years- I am so shocked at how shallow he has become. I guess he is playing with my good personality of compassion and kindness- he is not stupid- he knows how much I love him( well the person I knew should I say) and he knows how much I looked out for him and me- that's because we were an item and a team for 9 years. Thus I think he is still expecting me as his rock by his side today.. today I got another text saying I will see you ALONE, but only if you pay me what it cost me to get here. I gave no reply and I swore like hell instead to the wall. I can't and I won't. Firstly I think this is so sick to ask me to pay his flight - he is spending his trip with his chick and secondly it is not my fault if his mum did not tell him I cancel the flight back in Sept. I am entitled to cancel the flight as this flight was about him coming to Singapore and us getting married etc- plus I paid for the flight- I am in my rights to cancel it. The other reason I don't want to see him,is because I don't think he is sorry for the way he treated or handled the situation, he has no remorse, compassion or kindness right now. He is just so bloody full of it- its sick. So I can't see any good in talking to him face to face. So far I have not seen him as I have been avoiding all public areas as much as possible- but quite a few people have seen him- Singapore is a v small place.
So I sigh in dismay as I know I will not get any explanations for what actually happened etc.. And in some ways no closure and no amicable ending, because he is so selfish. I have been waiting for this for 4 months and now he is here I realised it is not going to happen- that really pi***** me off.
I am now concern about money situations- I know he wants that money cause he needs it - probably right now. I know that when he gets back to the UK- he will make out I owe him loads and loads of money- which is crap as I was the breadwinner in this relationship - I earn 3 times more than him. Despite this I know, his family will believe his word- don't they all - so now I dread to think what crap will come my way. I don't think I can physical cope with anymore heartache and I really don't want all this dragging out anymore- it really takes it out of you. I am shattered and drained.
So this is now one my mind- I have decided that before the 16th Jan- I will go and work out his expenses vs his savings- I already know his spendings will exceed his savings. I will place these figures safe somewhere and so if anyone dares to question me- I will tell them how much his savings was, how much he spent and how much he owes me and I don't want the money he owes me- keep it and in return leave me alone. I will refuse to give any other information beyond that- such as the break down of my workings- bloody hell he can do that- except he cant- as he left all the saving info we did here - too bad. All I can see is him wanting, wanting and wanting... it is all about him right now and so I guess if you were in that mindframe- you would only care for yourself in the most selfish way possible.
I feel like a right nobhead- buts yes I am now in fear and a bit scared- I can see how he is trying to emotionally bribe in paying for a flight- making out he came all the way to see me- what a load of pants.. iwhat worried me is if he is going to jump up and down for 490 quid, I hate to think how he will feel when the cargo arrives- tom I think- of 3 boxes- 9 years= 3 boxes- not v impressive- he will flip and then he will just want more and more... I need to feel free.. yet I know the battle has just begun!

Can't wait for this karma thing to come to him- I feel horrible saying it- but gosh for the first time in my 34 year old life- yes I am truly started to curse someone.. it is a really shi**y thing to do- I know- but I hope he looses all his money and this chick dumps him high and dry.. and then realised how good his life was with me and life miserable forever- I know it won't happen this way- but man- this guy needs a really good kick up his balls...

I wish for the plane to just drop him out into a remote jungle... just him not the rest of the passengers...

Just so you know, you have the power in your hands, and full control, as you have been kinder to him, than he to you.

Glad your seeing that, and have no fear, as he will be judged by his own actions, and pay the consequences for those actions. No matter what he says hold your ground and protect yourself from whatever he does, and make sure all his efforts fail.

Just keep the receipts, and a copy of the books, and show him what an a$$ he is being, with his selfish cowardly self. He deserve nothing more from you after making a shamble of your life, with his lying, cheating ways.

You should be celebrating your freedom, by doing good things for yourself, and regulating him to the NO CONTACT zone.

Rest assured what goes around, comes back around.

I am sorry Zeenie, that is horrible after 9 yrs of spending with someone. What comes around, goes around.. he will get his day. As hard as it is, don't look back, it's a New Year and a new beginning. IT probably felt like you were married to this person, being with him so long. I don' know how some people can do the hurtful things they do to someone. We have all been through it. You came to the right place, feel free to vent and we are hear for you. You deserve someone better. I guess you thought you really new him, but you really didn't. What a snake in the grass.. Keep us posted and good luck. Be glad you never married him.

I have a friend who's going through almost the same thing, except she'd already paid for EVERYTHING the wedding dress, the rings, his tux, the hotel, she was getting married in Florida so everyone had bought their tickets and then when she was away on her hen weekend he just moved out and she was dumped, that was it, no communication at all, but now she's happier, she'd spent 7 years with this guy and she was so horribly sad at the time, you need to surround yourself with friends and family, go shopping, take up a new hobby, just keep occupied, you'll soon stop thinking about it, I'm sure it meant a lot to you and it won't be easy to forget, but try your hardest and don't let him get to you, or that new bird of his! Well done for coming this far sweetie!
X

Cheers SULLY 123 and LiLibell, I actually paid for the wedding as well- and the flight tickets for his mum and my parents as we were to do the register here and do the formal celebrations in UK- later on in the year. He has changed and is not a nice person- looking forward is the way- as all trust and respect is gone. I don't know this guy at all now. Thanks LiLibell of telling me about your friend who has pulled thru- it gave me hope that one day I will pull through as well, warmest regards x

Hi Zeeniee, you seem to be heading in the right direction. Good for you! You can now see things clearer and realise how you are in love with the person he used to be, but no longer is. Nine years is a looong time to get over, especially if he's still lurking aroung hurting you even more. But with time, the right mindset and NC you will definitely pull through one day. Eventually, you will meet someone that will make you so much happier that you'll look back and regret wasting time suffering for the last one... but it all happens for a purpose. You learn from these situations and they make you stronger and better prepared for whatever comes your way.

All the very best for the new year,
Expat

Right OKay- I feel like a total utter fool.
I had a OKay day today- work was fine- I went to the gym and had a really good session and then I did some food shopping as I decide its about high time I started eating right and well start getting a grip with my life.. so here I am doing all this, and just as I leave the shopping center- I see the EX.. for some stupid stupid stupid reason I froze and place my shopping on the floor and left- well more like RAN.. I don't know why I did this- I guess I looked crap as I just finished in the gym etc.. But I guess I was not expecting to see him... not like this anyway, and I guess I don't want to see him... so I leave and get a cab home.. and half way home I felt like a real idiot as I left my food shopping- I am such an arse really I am... I have no idea if he saw me- hopefully he did not...
Well I guess I better get a grip of myself again- and do the frigging shopping again... can't wait till they go - 16th Jan and counting the days and so I can be free and not end up doing stupid things... like some nutcase- which I am not..

Better now than a few months after the marriage, first of course long distance relationships are hard at best and for others the fear of getting married makes them run at the last minute.

Clear out his things, and only time makes it better

Thanks Fr Chuck- I cleared his stuff long time ago- it is actually at the UK customs as I speak and should be arriving at his mum's house in 2 days time. Now I just got to wait for him to clear from Singapore- then I can live again and I will as I feel like a damm prisoner these days!

Things I want to do when he leaves: 16th Jan 09

Set up a count down at work- damm right I will!
Have a good night out with good friends on the 17th Jan 09. I am sure I will be drunk with a snif of a cocktail
Be able to walk, jump and dance all over Singapore and not feel like I have to watch my back
Do sensible food shopping that I actually take home! Haha
Look forward to the gym as much as I can
Start my HOT yoga class on the weekends-god help me what I am getting myself in for!
Sunbath at the condo pool and top up the tan- without worrying that he will turn up.
Be grateful that I have a great job with a great pay and great colleagues that have been so good to me
Look forward to my 31 days annual leave! I have no idea what to do with so many days off!
Look forward to travelling around asia and OZ; (cambodia, vietnam, Laos, Cebu, Palawan Island, Darwin, Melbourne, Monkey Mia-to see the dolphins and so on... )
Make new friends in and around Singapore- I would love to meet people that like to travel and do travelling with them
Thank god- that I am alive somehow
Thank god I am not myles! Or Sarah
Thank god I am not in his selfish, heartless shoes
Erase him and anything that reminds me of him
Not to take any more CRAP from him- knee him in the balls if I have to! I guess I am learning this slowly
Love myself more
Tell myself I am not ugly- even thou I am..
Love all my friends and family more- I am so lucky that I have friends all over the world
I am also lucky that his friends are now my friends as well- and not his..
Be there for my friends as always and for everyone on this site as well- everyone has been so kind and good with me
Always make sure to make myself a better person
Be more patient, kind and firm with myself
Laugh more, chat more and crack terrible jokes that only I understand!
Save like hell and so I can get a wicked place to live, either UK, OZ or Singapore by 2010
Give more to charity and help others who are in much worse situations than us

That was a great post! Stick to it, and for God's sake, enjoy yourself. This is your life, not his, and you deserve all of the happiness you can find! Enjoy yourself!!

Zeenie, that is one of the best and most positive threads I have read in quite some time! High Five Girl! That made my day! :)

I do have to disagree with one thing though. You said... tell yourself you're not ugly, even though you are. Don't think that! I don't know you personally, but no one with the positive attitude that you have, could ever be ugly inside or out!

I applaud you for doing as well as you have, given the circumstances. Go kick some butt, and show everyone that this isn't going to knock you down! :D

It SUCKS!

There is almost no other way of putting it. I am not going to try and make you feel better by writing something here that will make you feel good for a minute or two, before you go back to the gut wrenching feeling that you have had for a while now.

A very close friend has just been though exactly what you described, and she powered through the pain by keeping herself super dupa busy. Just seeing lots of people and doing lots of things, many of which she hadn't done for a while having been with her ex for so many years. I think this is the only thing any of us can do. Change your life/routines so that they do not resemble your previous life/rountines, and you will then not be reminded of that person.

Clearly he has hurt you a considerable amount, and I can almost guarantee that you will feel worse before you are going to feel better.

My best advice which I did after a long term break up, was to keep a diary on my laptop. I just decided I would open a blank word doc one day, and I started typing a diary to myself. I wrote in it every day about how I felt and how my day had been, what I was worrying about etc.

At the time it helped a little to put my thoughts down, and try and make sense of things. But I plucked up courage one day (about 4 months after my long term relationship broke down) to go back and read bits of it. I realised that I had moved on, and I wasn't experiencing many of the feelings I had then, now. So I knew I was on the right track.

Give it a go.

Good luck, and you will bounce back... especially with Singapore on your doorstep... get down to Newton for some roti and stingray!

Dear all, thanks for the positivness- I have to do this for me- true, why should I let him spoil my life- he dropped me when I was truly happy and I thought he was too-i never saw this coming.I am not a kind of person that is blind and so that is why this hit me v hard, clearly he got me there big time. Have many diaries! Too many if you ask me... the best ones are on this site though as I get feedbacks all the time! Starbucks I agree I know deep down I am not ugly- just normal- but right now I just feel bloody ugly. I guess he has knocked me down a fair bit.

Yeap I agree Singapore is not a bad place to heal... lots happening here and its only an hour flight away to escape to a heaven beach. Seeing the sun and having warm temp of 320C is a bonus. Right now I remind myself that if he did not do this- he would be enjoying life, living in a lush condo in the city, sun bathing in the pool area, having the maid do his ironing etc etc.. instead he is as I speak staying in a crappy B& B, no olympic size pool or TV with mutiple channels- or a kitchen!The B&B he is staying is right outside my condo- I can actually see it from my balcony when I sit down with a drink and a cig! The place is 2 minutes walk away... yeap that how close he is staying to my place with his chick... F****that is close! Well I hope he does enjoy his stay here and makes the most of it because its v COLD in the UK and I know how much he hates it in the UK and loves Singapore. Good maybe this trip with his chick might open his mind a teeny weeny bit and someone from above might drop a big brick on his thick head!

Hi Zeeniee,

Just wondering how you've been holding up these past few days. I know the ex is still in town for another few days. I hope everything is going fine and if you feel like posting an update, I'd be interested in knowing if everything's been going all right since your last post.

HI Dragonfly 1234,
Quite a few things have happened- I will be updating the post soon- I just need to work out how to say everything in a short way! The ex is in Singapore till next friday- 7 days to go and counting.

An update: OK I agreed to meet Myles after a mutual friend had a chat with him and he agreed and was happy to talk about the relationship and leave the flight ticket aside. SO I met him at a bar in Orchard, he was v happy to see me- complemented me 4 times in how good I looked and then stared at me for the next few minutes. I was a bit embarrassed as didn’t he say he left me because I am not attractive no more? How funny is that? Well Myles I am not yours anymore- you can only look and not touch! I on the other hand- did not find him as attractive as I used too- he looked different- I can’t explain. He did not look like the Myles I loved. I was surprised- very surprised and in a way I was glad to feel this- I needed to feel this- It is what I need to know/feel that I will be fine without him.

Myles then started chatting a lot. He was nervous. He told me how happy he is, he is saving 20 thousand quid and leaving to New Zealand with his chick and opening a bar etc. I said oh good, oh that’s nice. But I did not wish him well or show any excitement. I noticed he had a ring on the wedding finger as well- I guess he is engaged- I said nothing. I noticed he has made exact plans with her as he has made with me.

Well I did the sensible thing and I let him do all the talking, let him tell himself how wonderful he is. I am so glad I said NOTHING to him. Myles received no NEWS of my future from me. No way would I share my life with him anymore- any good news I will share it with friends that care for me. Myles has changed- he is greedily hungry for success, approval from others, he wants MONEY, he wants to be the man. Its v odd as when he was telling me on how wonderful and better his life was to become, I felt he was competing with me, like he wanted to match me, or show me he can be good like me. He needed my approval- I am glad I gave him none. He was trying to tell me he is going to be a changed man- a good man- who will never cheat again. Somehow I felt his words out of his mouth were reinforcing himself and not me. I noticed how selfish he had become - and has learnt how to be a first class b****h!

Then came the question- so Myles what happened to lead to all this? He told me has been cheating on me for 3 years- and slept around all the time and never loved me in the 9 years! I was shocked but was in no more pain than I already have been these few months. A few moments of silence went by and I felt he was not being honest and felt he said this to hurt me or make me anger and so to lessen his guilt? I said nothing. So I asked him why did you come with me to OZ? Why did you proposed the engagement in OZ, why did you agree to get married? Why did you go ahead with it all? Why not leave and find someone you would love? Why did it tell you to take 9 years to tell me? He said he didn’t know! Oh well that that is his issue I guess.

Then the conversation moved to the flight ticket. I was v blunt- when a man leaves a woman in this way- the minute he leaves the door- she owes him nothing. My job was to clear the mess you created and so I did. I cancelled what needed canceling- I owe nobody any reasons or permissions. I I left the info with your mum. If she did not pass this to you- that is not my problem. My job is done. I did what I had to do for ME and I am NUMBER ONE. Period. He was not happy with this- as he felt I owed him to tell him. I said no I don’t actually. If I was someone to you yes- but you left me- your actions said I am nothing to you. Sorry I did what I have to do. He just could not swallow this at all. Myles does not get it- I OWE HIM NOTHING.

He said he wanted to be friends- Now I already know this is never going to work, and I don’t want to be his friend, he is not worth it, but I wanted to see where this was going and so I looked in his eyes- I could see he was BS-ing. So you know what I thought- F**k this- play his game Zee and see what BS he has to say- how far are you going to go Myles. He said he wanted to ring once a month, he wanted me to meet Sarah, he wanted me to have there address in Manchester- he wanted me to visit them in New Zealand- such BS and I could see this v clearly. I did not reply to anything, just listened. Yeah right I thought- god you must think I am so stupid.

He then talked about the 490 quid! I said ‘hold on, Ann –the mutual friend told me- you would see me and talk about the relationship and put money issues aside’? That is the only reason I agreed. He said I know but Sarah paid this, and she needs it and he will give it back etc. I said well I don’t have this money right on me. He then snapped- ‘right fine if you don’t give the money- I will not be your friend- I will leave Zee and you will never ever see me or hear form me’. I just looked at him right in the eyes and said nothing. ‘Right I am not worth 490 quid then- right’- I said nothing. I thought Myles you just want money- that’s all. He then just stormed out. He just showed me all his weakness, I knew then he is acting like he is all in control of his life, but in fact he is not. The way he left you think that 490 would be the end of his world!

I was fine, totally fine as I saw through him v well- he played a game and the game just got him. He was being nice etc and then at the end mentioned the money, hoping I would believe every word and give the money to him. Well I did not- I did not believe the friendship he offered one bit. There was no sincere apology for what he did, for how he ruined my life, the pain and tears he caused me since Sept. There was no sincere future friendship neither.

So I went home- I get a text and then a phone call from Sarah asking me for the money- which did not work and then he and Sarah had an argument with Ann and Myles lost Ann as a friend.

This morning at work- I got a text from Myles- saying I am sorry for last night- I did not reply. Then I got the same text again. I did not reply. I have started my No Contact for life.. Furthermore, that night I deleted his mum on Face book without any explanation, emailed his two sisters and wished them well in life and then deleted them on Face book and deleted other extended family members without explanation. I also untagged and deleted all his pictures on my photo album. DONE- I have done it- and did it at the right time. Rose’s last email gave me an opportunity and reason to do it without me feeling guilty. I hope Rose will regret her last email to me. She did a 360 on me, tried to put a finger on me, tried to make me feel I am responsible somehow- but most horrible thing she did is make me feel like I have lost the plot and as I am so heartbroken- I am obviously deranged, crazy, f****ed-up woman that is weak and useless and that I am running around doing things at the moment of madness! What a nerve! So I deleted her without a word. My silence will hopefully be more powerful than my words.
Since then I have had one text from Myles asking me if I want to join him and her for drinks at the hotel!! I did not reply. Today I get a phone call asking me if I was coming! I said NO(he never rings me on the houseline- house line has no ID) What is he thinking? Is he stupid? Mad? Or what- has he not realized what I had to do was so hard and I am breaking loose from all of them?sorry for the long long post, Zeeniee

I am starting to wonder if all this is real, or I am going mad? I have never know anyone having such a break up- surely Myles and Sarah are totally insane? I am thinking I will have to leave planet earth and go and live in planet moon to escape...

You obviously don't have kids, as they are very selfish, and needy of your attention. You deal with them by being patient but firm, as you're the boss, and have to establish your authority, and their limits, and boundaries, and stick to it.

You do this out of love, and protection, and in a break up, you treat yourself well out of love for yourself, to protect yourself.

Lol Zeeniee, I have seen a lot of weird break ups, many here on this forum, but the common theme is having the coping skills, and enough love for yourself, to keep you on the path of moving forward, and giving yourself the time to heal, and rebuild.

Time, that's what it takes, and there are no short cuts in this often painful process. That doesn't mean you can't enjoy it as TIME FLIES WHEN YOUR HAVING FUN! Hehehehehe! It drags when your miserable. See, you always have choices.

Dear Tal,
So true- well I am fed up with being miserable- I am nackered being miserable- I want to sleep well, eat well and I could do with a small weekend break soon... for all the pain he caused- he is not worth it... he leaves this Tuesday night- I can't wait till he in out of here... I think I am ready to get rid- well ithink I have been doing that bit by bit, now I just want it all to be over and I just want to chill and think of what I can do with my life!

Well OK, I had to do another thingi did not want to do really-myles and obviously have mutual friends in facebook- I deleted all his friends except two, as I do communicate with them well. Well today I emailed my friends that are friends with him and asked them as they are his friends- to never tell Myles anything about me- even if I die! And if they put pictures up, write on walls- to make sure I am protected as I don't want myles to know anything about me no more. I also said if they are not in contact and not really friends to feel free to delete him if they are okay with it.
I emailed this mainly to all my Singapore friends- as many are work friends and my friends in OZ that I am v close to.

I feel bloody horrible for doing this- but I am thinking- myles this is a clean break- and damm well it will be clean. It has to be for what you did and with the way you behaved here when you came in Singapore. Not only have you broken my heart and destroyed my world- you kept on hurting me with all this drama and really you just don't know when to stop. As each day goes by - you do something that can't be undone. Now I am so fed up, and scared I just know I need to disappear and drop off from the face of your world. I hate him for doing all this, hate him that today I had to do such things. He has taken things to to far with his chick here for me to even be distance friends with his sisters and many of his friends. He has no idea at all on how robbed I feel.

Well OK, i had to do another thingi did not want to do really-myles and obviously have mutual friends in facebook- i deleted all his friends except two, as i do communicate with them well. Well today i emailed my friends that are friends with him and asked them as they are his friends- to never tell Myles anything about me- even if i die! and if they put pictures up, write on walls- to make sure i am protected as i dont want myles to know anything about me no more. I also said if they are not in contact and not really friends to feel free to delete him if they are okay with it.
I emailed this mainly to all my Singapore friends- as many are work friends and my friends in OZ that i am v close to.

I feel bloody horrible for doing this- but i am thinking- myles this is a clean break- and damm well it will be clean. It has to be for what you did and with the way you behaved here when you came in Singapore. Not only have you broken my heart and destroyed my world- you kept on hurting me with all this drama and really you just dont know when to stop. As each day goes by - you do something that can't be undone. Now i am so fed up, and scared i just know i need to dissappear and drop off from the face of your world. I hate him for doing all this, hate him that today i had to do such things. He has taken things to to far with his chick here for me to even be distance friends with his sisters and many of his friends. He has no idea at all on how robbed i feel.

For you to completely move on you have to let go of the hate too.Its hard to forgive someone who has done so much damage to your life, but eventually I am sure you will.

Good luck

Hey Dare 81,

Yeah I know that is true- I have only started to feel this hate in the last two weeks- I guess I have to feel it and go through with it, as before I was helpless in love. I am v mad with him, but I also know he is in a mess and deep down he probably has no idea what mess he is causing himself let alone the people around him- I am aware of this after I spoke to him... I know he will not be kind right now- may never be- but I hope one day- he can say sorry from his heart to the friends he peeved these few weeks and me. I am aware that he is v keen to see me now- but I cant- I need to disappear from his world. It is the only right thing I can do for me.

Even thou I am so angry and feeling hate- I am still hurting and devastated- I have 9 years of memories in my head- it is v v hard. He gave me no real explanations as well- and so that did not help- but I guessi have to tell myself what I did was real, I loved him- that is what matters and so I have NOT wasted my 9 years as I was true and honest to myself and him.

It is a shame how all this happened- honesty is what I needed- myles had 5 months to address any issue he wanted- he did nothing. Even when he brought himself all the way from the UK with his chick- he could have amended a few things- he did not- it feels that he has not used any opportunity he had to do this. GUess he is in cloud 1000 right now.

I am sorry I don't think I can forgive him. He has had a huge effect on the way my life was heading, he smashed my dreams and hope. He gave me FALSE hope, what for?
He caused me so much pain- what for- what did I do to him? HE could have avoided 80% of the pain just my being sensible.

Maybe one day he may apologise-who knows. I can only forgive him, if he can ask for forgiveness and when he means it.

Right now I need to find a way to move forward and do things for me and hope in time this will be in the past and in a distance from my heart.

Now I have let go- that is the only choice I have- and yeah it still hurts, but there not much I can do but to be kind to myself and just take care of me step by step. I have a HUGE mountain to climb and I know it.

Zeeniee

Hi Zeeniee,

Best to try not think about him anymore. I know it's very hard right now. And 9 years are not easy to forget or brush aside. I've been practicing it myself. When the ex comes into my mind I quickly force myself to think about the future instead of the past. Although it's hard to imagine a future when all your plans came crumbling down out of nowhere, now is a good time to think about what you want to do for yourself in the coming months. Easier said than done huh! Well, there's no other choice in my eyes. Moving on, is not something that happens overnight, it's a process with many stages and takes time--a lot of it.

It's not going to be an easy climb. But I truly believe you have the right attitude to get over it. Some people retreat within themselves and get stuck in the past. You are different Zeeniee. Try looking forward without looking back. With proper healing and time you WILL move on--I'm sure of it. Everything bad that happened will only make you stronger and will prepare you for a better future. Keep it up Zeeniee!

Expat

Many thanks Expat,

Yep it will take time and so I will take my time. Your right you have to have the right attitude to do this-i know it will be v hard and a hard climb- at least I have acknowledge that and I am not expecting to wake up and find the garden full of daisies.

I am scared thou- I am stuck in the past- the fact I am stuck in this huge 3 bedroom apartment till April 2010 makes it hard- as everything around me reminds me of history... I just got to stick it out.

Although I am a future person, I am now scared of the future. I know it will be hard. Work is fine, social life is okay- but I know I will always feel that empty feeling- it's there all the time, its just that somedays I can cope better and so days I cant...

I got another text just ten minutes ago- about going for a drink and a smoke! Really that is worrying as you can't smoke in singapore= death penalty- of course I have not replied- but now I can see Myles really need to see me- except I don't think his intentions and v honourable and he had all the chances to say what he wanted to say - but he did not use this time wise.. so NC it is as always.. feel pretty crap this eve - well I just got to lump it..

Wow Zeenie! I'm sorry that you are having to go through all of this. Myles is a royal SOB! It sounds like he snagged up a real prize with this chick too! They have got some nerve! I was just shaking my head the entire time, while reading your story. It is sickening how he so nonchalantly told you that he cheated for yrs. how he never loved you and so on. Did he not have any concern for your health or safety?. let alone your feelings? He could have given you an STD also! Please get yourself checked out, if you have not already done so.

It just baffled my mind, why... after all of the cruel things he said to you... that he would then ask that you remain friends. Then just to add salt to the wound, he wants you to meet his mistress, and come and have a drink with them, and even ask you to come to the UK and stay with them. Is this man insane? I've never heard of something so ludicrious! I'm furious with him and her, and I don't even know them! No wonder you are angry. Angry probably doesn't even describe how you feel. He completely disrespected you as a person, and the last nine years of your life!

I'm not so sure I wouldn't just hang on to that last text message. He sent, and call the authorities. It almost sounds like a threat to me. His behaviour is very abnormal! If he doesn't stop sending you text messages. And such, I would call that harassment, and the police should be notified, if only to have a paper trail to back you up, should he keep on bothering you. His odd behaviour could quickly escalate into something worse, since it seems he is so unstable.

You need to let yourself go through all of the stages of the death of your relationship. You really have to treat it like a death, because it is what it is, and you will go through the same emotions you go through when someone dies. It was a substantial period of your life that you spent with this man, and he has muddied the waters of the years you spent together.

Another thing to remember, is don't let anyone tell you how long it should take you to heal. Take your time and don't try and hurry it. You'll know when it happens. This is not to say that you shouldn't take steps to do good things for you, to speed up the process. Take care of YOU! Do things that you enjoy doing. Meet new people that had no connection with him.

I would also like to suggest that you maybe sell some of the items in your apartment that remind you of him, and get some new things. You have to live there for at least the next year. Paint the walls! Redecorate! Make it all about you, and get rid of things that remind you of him! If you haven't already thrown out all of his pictures, wait until you're ready, and then have a ritual where you say goodbye to him and the past. Throw darts at them, burn them, flush them, (probably not good for the sewer, lol) stomp on them... whatever you want to do. Just get rid of them, and anything else that reminds you of him.

Best of luck to you!

Hi Starbuck,
Things I have realised:
1) I am not responsible for him no more- what he does with his life is his issue and his chicks- so if he wants to be stupid- let him be- it is not my problem- I will keep well away

2) Myles def wants to see me- BUT sadly I don't think his intentions are sincere or clear. Fact: he wants be to meet at their hotel. FACT: The text are written by Sarah. I am not stupid- I know Myles v well- if he was sincere- I would know.

3) This Sarah is loving all this- she is having a fine time, winding Myles up, Myles is listening to her as he has fallen for her BIG TIME, so much so that he is destroying a lot things- and cannot see it. I can see why many people say she will leave him- yeap I think she will as no normal loving girlfriend would get involved and play such games.

4) Myles is confused- I am sure deep down he knows it- and he is putting a HUGE front on. He knows he wasted his time in Singapore- whatever he came for- he did not achieve. They ran out of money- they are not having a good time. Myles knows he has done wrong- but his ego is in the way and the girl is ego-ing him up. I feel like he is trying to make a point showing of her to me. Well it has not worked at all.

5) Myles and I always promised each other long time ago, if we ever had to part we would do it in a kind way and so not loose each other. I know that Myles wanted this v much and this was something that was v important to us. Yet today he has done everything but that- in time this will hurt him.

6) Myles is v angry- the fact is I know how much I loved him, I know how much he meant to me - That's ALL THAT MATTERS. Deep down I think Myles knows as well. It is up to him to admit it to himself or brush it all away- it is his heart at the end of the day.

7) When myles saw me- he tried to show/tell me how his life is better now than with us, he tried to tell me how crap we were etc- I see this as him justifiying his actions and making an excuse to lessen his guilt- the fact he went into so much detail- just showed the obvious. It was all take and no actions. It v easy to say and talk that he will save 20 grand and be out of UK and get a bar in New Zealand! Doing it is a totally different matter.

8) Myles is in another planet- he knows he has done very wrong in many ways- but he has not come to the point of accepting his actions, mistakes etc. He is still trying to point a finger to someone else. Eventually I guess he will hit a wall and then he will realise- who knows...

9) If myles was really happy and did the right thing for him. He would have not come, or he would have stopped playing games and get this done kindly. His anger tells me he is not happy at all. Guess he is starting to realise, but is not admitting to himself- that he has f**** up well and truly this time.

10) Myles knows I have walked away- and I will never look back- he knows this v well.

Best thing for me to do is NOTHING. Let Myles go back to the UK and let him get on with his life- I think this trip will make him see things when his world calms down.

For me, I saw something v ugly and now I have ZERO TOLERANCE with him. I am not afraid of him no more. My silence should say this to him. Funy thing is if Myles is really sorry he will say it and I will know it.

Ps: I have already checked with the dr and I am all cleared- first thing I did :-)

All my phones are now off- till Wednesday morning.

The apartment- I got all the furniture- it was that we choose it together- I don't see this place as my home now, just a nice place I am staying. In 2010- I should be much better than I am today and I will find a nice place and re-furnish for me- I think I will enjoy it more and I will be v ready to do this. For now I just got to stick it out.

I think Myles totally underestimated me. I think I have totally underestimated me- I did not think I could stand well for myself- thank god I am.


Zeeniee

Oh dear- I think I can put this in a book.

Another text- apparently I am being difficult and unreasonable- he came to sort this out and with peace- and now he has had enough... that's the latest text- the text was immediately deleted- it belongs in the bin. Good job my phone is off unless I need to use it.

And I must count the hours- 40 hours to go...

I know this will be a hard 40 hours- just got to keep myself busy and busy

Well I saw him today for 10mins- I decided after the few texts he sent, I might as well end it- as he would leave me dangling which would not help.

It was v painful- but I told him my friendship and love for him was at a v high level and I gave that to a person I love. He rejected this and so I told him I don't have anything to offer him anymore and I want a clean break. I think he did understood this and he said that was fine.

I felt annoyed thou- as he said whatever I want will be fine with him- I just found that annoying. He was also a lot quiter more like the myles I knew-not like the myles I spoke to the other day. That made it hard for me.

When I saw him the last time I did not find him attractive, this time when I saw him I did not find him attractive. My feelings are based on what we had and the memories but not on who he is today- I hope that is one step forward.

He has hurt me, I think it was more letting me believe everything was fine, allowing for wedding preparations etc and then to drop me just like that.

He did not have any real reasons. He could not explain why he proposed in phi phi or why he wrote the cards saying he loved me when he was with someone else- he said he can't explain this- has no reasons. He said he wanted to do things for himself- I asked if I stopped him in anyway and he said no. He said there was nothing wron with me or the relationship, he just felt he had to move on. Well thanks myles your reasons made a whole load of sense-great!

The only way I can make closure- is to remind myself of how he treated me, all the hopes he gave me and then dropping them, the way he behaved these few months and the how he behaved when he came to singapore with his chick... all of that was v low of him. I don't want to marry a man, that behaves this way at all to me or anyone else.

One thing he did not mention was the 490 quid- which was a good thing as I think I would have knocked his teeth out- I guess he has realised I will not be paying him this ever. On a good note STA TRAVEL send me a cheque of the flight cancellation today- the guy told me I would get 100 -200 bucks back- I got back 535 bucks... I will treat myself when I am on my feet better.

When ever I feel sad and lost- which is how I feel right now- I have to say he is no longer the person I knew- that person is gone and now you don't even find him attractive.. must say this a thousand times a day. If it means tatooing it on my forehead I will.

Tonight I feel RAW and USED and crap. I hope it gets better.

An update:

Well last night I got a huge text from Myles on his singapore pay as you go thing- I was in bed- totally nackered and I remember saying to myself I will look in a bit when I turn over cos I knew it was him- well guess what I feel asleep! And remembered in the morning. Basically he said he does care v much for me, and wants to keep in touch and see that I am well and keep uptodate with everything I get up to. I read the text and then deleted it and that was that.


The good news is that they are now gone! I feel like a whole weight of my shoulders- I don't have to watch my back in Singapore- in case I bump into them... I feel a bit different today.

My Thoughts for today:

1.Before I did have some tiny tiny hope-miracle that it could be resolved- now I can't marry him- he has killed everything for me- his trip to Singapore with his chick was the icing on the CAKE

2.Before when I thought of Myles - my mind was full with 9 years of good memories of the Myles I knew- now this has changed- now also have UGLY memories of what I saw of him and how terrible he behaved in Singapore over these two weeks- NOT V NICE

3.Before I thought he was v attractive and good looking- now he is not attractive or good looking at all -he has dropped his standards- he looks v scruffy now... so not him

4.Before I had to ring him, as I had no idea what was going on- now this has changed- I have no reason to ring him- I finally worked it all out and got bits and bats from Myles

5.Before his family said enough to keep me worried- now I have nothing to worry or fear

6.Before even though I found out he was cheating- I felt dumped- now this has changed- I made sure he was dumped and felt that dump- by asking for a clean break

7.My break up started when he left- I had to deal and pick up all the mess- now I have no mess to deal with- I am all done

8.Before when he left me in Sept it was 'not so real' to him- he just packed his suitcase and flew home straight to Sarah- that was about it. Myles break up actually started on the 13th Jan 09:

• I made sure he was dumped,
• he now has his cargo to deal with- i.e.: go through all his stuff and work out what he wants- what he wants to throw away etc,
• he will have some music to deal with his family,
• he will not hear from me again=real break up

9.I don't owe Myles anything, I don't want anything from him now- it is Myles that wants or needs the friendship from me- he has made that clear

Have you started the celebration yet? I have. I am glad for you.

Hey Tal, you will have to have a cocktail for me and start the celebrations for me as I coming down with a evil flu as I am emailing! Yeap I can feel the thing creeping on me and I feel like a jellyfish. I swear I will join in as soon as I am better.

I am v tried and exhausted- I think right now a sniff of cocktail is all I need to get drunk!

Brandy and hot tea, with honey and lemon juice, two Advil's, and a Ricola (cough drop) will have you partying hardy in no time.

Hey Tal, you will have to have a cocktail for me and start the celebrations for me as i coming down with a evil flu as i am emailing!! Yeap i can feel the thing creeping on me and i feel like a jellyfish. I swear i will join in as soon as i am better.

I am v tried and exhausted- i think right now a sniff of cocktail is all i need to get drunk!!

I'll see if I can't find you a get well potion so you can feel better and we can celebrate with you when you are feeling better! :D



http://www.postsmile.com/img/magic/68.gif (http://www.postsmile.com/)

Hi all, I am much better now- thanks. I did some celebrations today- had 4 cocktails and I am pretty much legless...
I am v troubled these few days- I know I should be the happiest person right now but I feel v sad and down... I am like a yo-yo and I am fed-up with ME- during the day I am fine. Today for example, I actually did some meaningful constructive work that actually made sense to another person at work- which is good as I don't think I have done that since Sept! So I have realised OK I can handle work and work days and lunches and early evenings much better (normally at the gym). I now walk part of the way home after the gym- just to kill some time- as I get v low once I get home and just end up crying like an idiot in my room. I dare not to mention my ex to another friend- I am sure they will run from me- I could hardly blame them! My problem is I can't cope with evenings and the mornings -the ex is on my mind- its v hard- good, bad and ugly memories float around me. I am trying- I keep busy- man I do a lot, but at the end I just fall apart in pieces. Since the ex left Singapore- I am struggling to sleep as well- all the things they did these past two weeks keeps me awake in horror and in sadness. SIgh.. look forward to the day I never think of him- I am starting to wonder if that will be possible? I feel like I will be haunted with this for the rest of my life.

Hi all, i am much better now- thanks. I did some celebrations today- had 4 cocktails and i am pretty much legless...
however i though i should be the happiest person right now, i feel crap and depressed... i am like a yo you- during the day i am fine, - actually did some meaniful work today- which is good as i dont think i have done this since Sept! So i have realised OK i can handle work days and lunches and early evenings much better. I now walk part of the way home after the gym- just to kill some time- as i get v low in the evenings once i get home and just end up crying like an idiot. Evenings and mornings i can't do at all- the ex is on my mind- its v hard- good, bad and ugly memories float around me. Since the ex left Singapore- i am struggling to sleep as well- all the thing she did these past two weeks keep me awake in horror. SIgh.. look forward to the day i never think of him, i wonder if that will be possible?


It is possible, and totally probable. It takes time!! Mornings and nights are always the hardest, as we feel most alone during that time. Enjoy another cocktail for me, and for God's sake, just take it slow and enjoy this time in your life. It WILL get better, but it takes A LOT of time. Keep it up!! I am proud of you.

Yeah I know it will take time, just frigging peeved, a year ago I was happy in everyway- took a lot of hard work to get it altogether and then poof- it all goes- well the ex goes and then I see everything falling apart- guess I am trying to build it all back up- which I have in many ways- I just feel pain or I feel empty with a few giggles and laughs here and there- its so damm frustating as I normally chat and laugh non-stop- I guess I just hate the situation I am in right now.
Anyway I am glad I stopped at 4 cocktails- another one- I think I would end up in A&E- I don't need much alcohol to get drunk...

Hi all, i am much better now- thanks. I did some celebrations today- had 4 cocktails and i am pretty much legless...
I am v troubled these few days- i know i should be the happiest person right now but i feel v sad and down... i am like a yo-yo and i am fed-up with ME- during the day i am fine. today for example, i actually did some meaningful constructive work that actually made sense to another person at work- which is good as i dont think i have done that since Sept! So i have realised OK i can handle work and work days and lunches and early evenings much better (normally at the gym). I now walk part of the way home after the gym- just to kill some time- as i get v low once i get home and just end up crying like an idiot in my room. I dare not to mention my ex to another friend- i am sure they will run from me- i could hardly blame them! My problem is i can't cope with evenings and the mornings -the ex is on my mind- its v hard- good, bad and ugly memories float around me. I am trying- i keep busy- man i do alot, but at the end i just fall apart in pieces. Since the ex left Singapore- i am struggling to sleep as well- all the things they did these past two weeks keeps me awake in horror and in sadness. SIgh.. look forward to the day i never think of him- i am starting to wonder if that will be possible? I feel like i will be haunted with this for the rest of my life.

Of course you're going to go through what you are now. It sucks, but you need to go through it. I would be worried if you weren't! You invested a lot of time into your relationship with him, and he turned around and made a mockery out of it without considering how he made you feel. You had nine years into your relationship! You went through many things together. Now everything has changed, and you have to learn how to be independent again. It's only been about 3 months since this has all happened. You really need to cut yourself a break! You're trying to hurry the healing, and although I don't blame you for wanting to do that, you can't. You are only prolonging it if you don't let yourself go through it. You need to give yourself time to grieve it, or you won't be able to move onto other things. You don't want to carry this over into another relationship do you? Don't worry about bothering your friends, you need them! If they are friends they will understand. You don't have to put up a front for everyone else. Take care of yourself first.

Hey Starbucks- guess I should take my time a little :-), I am not the most patient person at times, especially when I am so so peeved like I have been these days- its so werid- the first 3 months I cried and cried, and now I am so anger and okay I still cry.

Don't worry, no way will I carry this to the next relationship- I already know I wont- I can feel it. I am okay with doing everything- I am lucky to be independant- its just that I miss sharing things and doing this together- I always find its much more nicer to share things than to have it all for yourself - if you know what I mean... and so I that respect life sucks a bit.

And yeah feel a bit embarrassed but I do miss being with a person... that has to be the biggest change...

Don't worry about bothering your friends, you need them! If they are friends they will understand.

In the beginning of my break up I used to annoy my friends all the time about what I was going through and they were really helpful. But after a while I noticed I was only repeating myself and it didn't allow me to have fun with these same friends... fun that helps me moving on! So now I try to deal with this crap alone (except for the occasional "how are you doing" conversation with my brother)... part of learning how to live with myself again, I guess.

So yeah, you must bother your friends in the beginning to get this whole mess out of your system but I think it's a bad idea to overdo and I think we know when that is the case...

Sometimes it feels like once I finally move on, I'll miss these break-up feelings in the same way I miss her now.

Hey Imtotallylost,
I know what you mean- my friends always ask me how I am and how things etc- it does feel like the same thing being said in many different ways- at least now I talk about other stuff as well and use this site as much as I can.

I think I am moving on- but I can explain itin words yet. I do hope that one day I don't feel like I do today.

I hope you too find a beautiful way to move forward and you don't miss the break up feelings and one day meet a nicer person that will cherish you well.

For me I don't miss the ex- like I used to- probably as I saw another side to him that I never did. I will take that as a blessing in a way and hope this helps me to move forward without looking back. Nevertheless it does take a lot of time and space to digest everything- which is where I am at- I think.

Wow. You poor poor lady :(

The cruelty and thoughtlessness of these sorts of people is just beyond me.

Thank you for your answer.

It really really helps.

I'm just trying to move on now.

Like, I'm not going to try to understand why. Because ill never understand what goes on in their messed up minds. But I just want to move on, and be happy.

I really hope you find happiness with a real man.

You sound like a beautiful person, you'll find someone who is really worthy of your love.

All the best

Xxx

Hey Tearingapart,many thanks for your kind words- sure I will be on my feet one day and I will update this post as I go along. I am sorry to hear your news as well- you seems like a good ans strong person and I hope you too- get back on your feet soon
Xx

In the beginning of my break up I used to annoy my friends all the time about what I was going through and they were really helpful. But after a while I noticed I was only repeating myself and it didn't allow me to have fun with these same friends... fun that helps me moving on! So now I try to deal with this crap alone (except for the occasional "how are you doing" conversation with my brother)... part of learning how to live with myself again, I guess.

So yeah, you must bother your friends in the beginning to get this whole mess out of your system but I think it's a bad idea to overdo and I think we know when that is the case...

Sometimes it feels like once I finally move on, I'll miss these break-up feelings in the same way I miss her now.

I agree that you don't want to overwhelm your friends with the same old stories. However, real friends will hear you out and try and push you forward, although still be there for the occasional break down. You don't want to force your problems down their throats 24/7 of course, but you need to know that there is someone there that you can count on. These people are called REAL friends.

Hey Starbucks- your so right! You def know your true friends at the time of need- one thing I have learnt is that I have many. I was actually very overwhelmed when I removed- i am not in a relationship in Facebook, within 30mins, I got calls from OZ, UK and Canada. I had no idea the impact that was to have. My friends have been super duper with me. They really came to me- when I totally fell apart and were there really helping me- in many many ways. I have friends from all ages- 20 something to 50 something and so all the advice they gave me were great. One of my friend's son- he is 7 years old and he knew I was v upset about something- so he offered me his trainers in cheering me up!! (we have the same shoe size! )- sweet guy! I am honoured to know my friends- some of them have problems as well- like on of my best friend in OZ, her dad is sadly dying of liver failure- and she rings, text and emails me daily to ask for me- I am very deeply touched in my heart! Another thing- all you guys are my mates as well- you have given me sounds advice and have helped me so many times and picked me up when I fell down- if it was not for you guys and my friends and family- gosh I hate to think what state I would be in today!
Thanking you all as always xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

:)
Hey Starbucks- your so right! You def know your true friends at the time of need- one thing i have learnt is that i have many. I was actually very overwhelmed when i removed- i am not in a relationship in facebook, within 30mins, i got calls from OZ, UK and Canada. I had no idea the impact that was to have. My friends have been super duper with me. They really came to me- when i totally fell apart and were there really helping me- in many many ways. I have friends from all ages- 20 something to 50 something and so all the advice they gave me were great. One of my friend's son- he is 7 years old and he knew i was v upset about something- so he offered me his trainers in cheering me up!!! (we have the same shoe size!!)- sweet guy!! I am honoured to know my friends- some of them have problems as well- like on of my best friend in OZ, her dad is sadly dying of liver failure- and she rings, text and emails me daily to ask for me- i am very deeply touched in my heart! Another thing- all you guys are my mates as well- you have given me sounds advice and have helped me so many times and picked me up when i fell down- if it was not for you guys and my friends and family- gosh i hate to think what state i would be in today!
Thanking you all as always xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


So true!! I quickly came to realize after my breakup that I have the GREATEST friends in the world, bar none!! I don't think I was ever really grateful or truly saw that, until this happened to me. Along with that, as you stated, this website is full of incredible, non-judgemental people who have some huge hearts and caring words. That is why it is so awesome to reciprocate the help you get to others that come on here in so much pain and with so much confusion...

I hope you are doing better. You sound like a very well put together woman, and anyone with that many friends must be a phenomenal person.

Trying to improve my day.

Ok I guess it is high time I improve my day and make it a productive day like it used to be. At the moment I am okay from lunch onwards- to about 8pm. During this time, I can forget my worries or at least put them aside and get on with whatever the day brings. My problem are the mornings and the evenings (if I am not going out) – esp. the mornings- everything morning when I wake up- this whole mess comes flooding back and so comes the ugly truth with a bang in my face.
I know this will take time etc-but I just can't stand waking up to lousy depressing mornings anymore. It really makes it hard for me to start the day in a positive way.

So I have decided on a few things I must do in the mornings:

1.Leave the apartment within 40min of getting up
2.Allow a max of one cig only (allowed only in the balcony area)
3.Must catch the MRT to work, rather than a taxi. I am hoping that my incentive will be that the more MRT I catch=less taxis spends= more savings= more things to buy or more weekend trips out of Singapore
4.Banning myself from checking face book and hot mails till after lunch

I have decided to take next week off work- I think I could do with a break just switching off in Singapore- I have not had a day off since Sept and as it is Chinese New Year next week, taking 3 days off= 9 days of work site. I am hoping the break will allow me to sort out more bits and bats and so when I return back to work- I will be more recharged and focus –somewhat.

Also I am aware that next week is the wedding week… that has been on my mind a lot…I realized today- is the day our families should be landing in Singapore- this has bothered me a lot today... sucks

Trying to improve my day.

Ok I guess it is high time I improve my day and make it a productive day like it used to be. At the moment I am okay from lunch onwards- to about 8pm. During this time, I can forget my worries or at least put them aside and get on with whatever the day brings. My problem are the mornings and the evenings (if I am not going out) – esp. the mornings- everything morning when I wake up- this whole mess comes flooding back and so comes the ugly truth with a bang in my face.
I know this will take time etc-but I just can’t stand waking up to lousy depressing mornings anymore. It really makes it hard for me to start the day in a positive way.

So I have decided on a few things I must do in the mornings:

1.Leave the apartment within 40min of getting up
2.Allow a max of one cig only (allowed only in the balcony area)
3.Must catch the MRT to work, rather than a taxi. I am hoping that my incentive will be that the more MRT I catch=less taxis spends= more savings= more things to buy or more weekend trips out of Singapore
4.Banning myself from checking face book and hot mails till after lunch

I have decided to take next week off work- I think I could do with a break just switching off in Singapore- I have not had a day off since Sept and as it is Chinese New Year next week, taking 3 days off= 9 days of work site. I am hoping the break will allow me to sort out more bits and bats and so when I return back to work- I will be more recharged and focus –somewhat.

Also I am aware that next week is the wedding week… that has been on my mind a lot…I realized today- is the day our families should be landing in Singapore- this has bothered me alot today....sucks



Do you really want to take time off. The more time you have on your hand to just sit around and think the worse it will be. I tried to keep myself as busy as possible

Hi Dare,
I have debated on this one for a while.
Yeah I do need to take time out- I was hoping you use my time next week and make some real changes with some routinee stuff I do. I think it is a good time as in March I have a very heavy load of work coming and so if I don't get a grip of things now- I am going to struggle.

The other thing is the sun has been shining a lot in the mornings in Singapore- I guess the rainy season has past- and so I am hoping to get out early morning for a swim and sunbathing- I just need to break my routine.

I have come to a point that no matter what I do, or how busy I am - when my head hits that pillow- everything comes flooding back to me- it always does and so I expect I will feel crap no matter what I do at this point in time. IN that respect I think I should use my time as well as I can, despite the difficult situation I am in right now.

I think next week- I am thinking of having some ME time, gym,swimming, sunbathing.

Then I need to sort out a few things- that I basically hate doing- might as well get them done and out the way.

I really need to get a camera- and so I thought of getting it.

Then I would just like to chill and see friends etc and generally have a break

I think next week- i am thinking of having some ME time, gym,swimming, sunbathing.

Then i need to sort out a few things- that i basically hate doing- might as well get them done and out the way.

I really need to get a camera- and so i thought of getting it.

Then i would just like to chill and see friends etc and generally have a break

I actually have spent quiet a bit of time in Singapore. I did my bachelors from NUS.

Good luck with the vacation, hope you enjoy ureself and remember in the end it will al be better

NUS Really OMG! Small world indeed!
I am working at Biopolis- it only became a place 3 years ago in Singapore.

Hahaha- you have just made my day!

NUS Really OMG! small world indeed!!
I am working at Biopolis- it only became a place 3 years ago in Singapore.

hahaha- you have just made my day!

You guys have quiet a huge Indian community over there. I was surprised ( felt like I never left pakistan).

Hey Dare 81,
It is actually crazy here in Singapore- so many communities and religions and everyone gets along well- that is really great etc.
Singapore is truly a cosmopolitan place and thank god they have all the british shops, and food- or else I think I would get v homesick! I think they have more british shops and food than they do in Trafford Centre! Lol.

Hey Dare 81,
It is actually crazy here in Singapore- so many communities and religions and everyone gets along well- that is really great etc.
Singapore is truely a cosmopolitan place and thank god they have all the british shops, and food- or else i think i would get v homesick!! I think they have more british shops and food than they do in Trafford Centre! lol.

I had way more fun in Singapore then I have had here in the U.S. I think the girls are pretier too over there lol

I'm sure there are some really good looking guys also right Zeeniee ;)?

More than one of those would probably love to meet you!

Hahah you guys make me grin- well yes there are many guys here in Singapore- but I am going to be single for a while- I figgered there are a few things I want to achieve before I get into a relationship again!

I guess I am being sensible- but also I think one would need a fair bit of time before getting involved again.

Single life it is for now- sucks!
Smiles
X

hahah you guys make me grin- well yes there are many guys here in Singapore- but i am gonna be single for a while- i figgered there are a few things i want to achieve before i get into a relationship again!!

I guess i am being sensible- but also i think one would need a fair bit of time before getting involved again.

Single life it is for now- sucks!!
smiles
x

That's the way I feel too, after 8 years of being in a relationship I am beginning to appreciate the freedom that I have now

Yeah I know what you mean- freedom- what is that? I think I am just starting to figger it again and in some ways is a beautiful thing and in some ways it really scares me- lik ethe other day when I was chatting with my friend about where we can go on hols - iit occurred to me that I can pretty much go anywhere in this planet- scary...
At the same time- with what I have been through and still going thru- I am now f***ing scared of guys! Sorry to say this- but it is true...

Yeah i know what you mean- freedom- what is that?? i think i am just starting to figger it again and in some ways is a beautiful thing and in some ways it really scares me- lik ethe other day when i was chatting with my friend about where we can go on hols - iit occurred to me that i can pretty much go anywhere in this planet- scary...
At the same time- with what i have been thru and still going thru- i am now f***ing scared of guys!! sorry to say this- but it is true...

By the time you get over this you want be scared of us anymore.lol:}

Well we shall see! I am sure I will be fine in time as I am not narrow minded person- not all guys will be like the ex! Some will be worse and some will be better!

Well at least I know what kind of guy I would like to meet this time- so that's handy to know!

Not all guys will be like the ex! Some will be worse and some will be better!

I don't think mine can get any worse, but we will see.Hopefully they get better

What happened with your relationship- I read the post and you did not say- hope you don't mind me asking..

Well basically me and my ex we broke up about 3 years ago 6 years into the relationship, I begged her to come back hung around for a whole year, she finally decided after a whole year of tagging me along that he wanted us to be in a relationship with me, found out she was with a couple of other guys while she was tagging me along. No biggie. This time around the relationship lasted for 2 years, everything was going great, we were talking about getting married, bought a ring a plane ticket to go and propose to her( she lives on the east coast I live on the west coast).She didn't know I was coming. I get a call from her a day before I was suppose to leave saying that she didn't think it was going to work and started rehashing all the old stuff I though we had already gone over. Long story short she broke up with me again. I feel like a total dumbass for trusting the same person twice.

Hey Dare 81,
I am truly sorry to hear this. I don't think you should feel like a total dumbass- you obviously loved and believed in her v much to give it a second go- that is what people do when they are in love. One thing I have learnt- once a person cheats on you- they will do it again- whether it was a one night stand, or a quick flirt or them just getting an extra cherry on the cake... that is what happened to me... and so take your time and heal well and keep chatting here- yeah look at the bright side- at least she does not bring her new man (if she has one) over and parks herself two minutes from your place!

Hey Dare 81,
I am truely sorry to hear this. I don't think you should feel like a total dumbass- you obviously loved and believed in her v much to give it a second go- that is what people do when they are in love. One thing i have learnt- once a person cheats on you- they will do it again- whether it was a one night stand, or a quick flirt or them just getting an extra cherry on the cake... that is what happened to me... and so take your time and heal well and keep chatting here- yeah look at the bright side- at least she does not bring her new man (if she has one) over and parks herself two mins from your place!!

Yeah I guess you are right.A long term relationship takes a long time to get over, but NC really does make my life a lot easier. No confusion and no drama.

That is very true- NC = no confusion, no drama, just aload of pain and sadness to deal with and there is no escape from it...

That is very true- NC = no confusion, no drama, just aload of pain and sadness to deal with and there is no escape from it ...

That gets easier with time. I am almost 2 months into NC and I can tell u I feel a lot better now then I did right after the break up, I can go to sleep get up probably think about her a couple of hours a day before it was every minute of the day, so it does get better

Hi, The ex just called. I had to pick the phone up as I got a new one and I don't have all the numbers in yet and so I did not know who it was- I knew it was not the ex because it was different number, I assume (assume wrong) that it was either my brother or dad as I recognise my mums mobile number.

He is peeved about his decks- I was calm and I told him ann- could not find the deck lids- sorry. Then he told me one deck is new and the other is old and the needles and wire is missing. I said oh right- best to take this up with ann- as you left them with her. All I did is wrapped them up and sent them over- sorry and hung up...

Now I know that number- I will not pick up if it rings again.

I actually have a new number- but as I use the mobile phone for work as well, I had to issue the new number to work and activate that number in 4 weeks time to notify relevant staff- apparently this is company policy as I work across the board with UK, China and Verona. This is the best way forward as I can only see him ringing when he needs something.

Obviously he has not learnt v much of his actions- I have a feeling he never will

I also got a brand new bed today and got rid of the old one (well 2 years old)... I had to as I just don't feel right sleeping in that bed... it makes my skin crawl! - hopefully I will sleep better in time

I have had a v long day at work- and now after this, I just feel rather depressed and low...

I just feel rather depressed and low...

We all get that way when the energy is low, but you handled him well, so use that new bed for some sleep, and reward yourself, after you have rested.

Learn how to screen your calls. I send all mine to the answering machine, (or the fax, it drives the telemarketers crazy ) and return the ones that are important.

Hi ALL, An update,

Okay I am doing okay- have my bad and good moments- most important thing is I keep focus and work out what I want to do with my life etc.. and so this week I have started doing just that...

Well yesterday was suppose to be the wedding day- I was okay... glad I wasn't getting married to him- that I was sure of.. I went out with some friends all night- got home at 7am today!

So when I get home I noticed a text from the ex:

He asked how I was and that he was thinking of us a lot and that he really misses me and would like to talk—and then ended it with kisses and hugs xx.

Well I just deleted it and well just carried on with my day- too late me think and I don't like him no more. I have to admit I was not expecting this- guess he can lie on the bed he has made... gosh he has some cheek texting that...

YES!! Well done Zeenie! Look who has the power now. Pat yourself on the back, as I won't be in Singapore for... well... umm... NEVER! Good job! :)

Thanks KCTIGER,
I am shocked! Well it is all done and I am fine...
Anyway I would not rule out Singapore- you will be surprise at how you can have a v good night out- might surprise yourself lol...

Never say never

Well Kctiger-
1) open your diary
2) take leave
3) book a flight
4) get on a plane-

He- he- just being v cheeky today...

Chance is something you create yourself... so I believe-- well I tell myself...

Well done, Z.

Chance is something you create yourself... so I believe-- well I tell myself...
Your good to listen to yourself, well done again.

True Tal,

I think I may be going mad- as I swear I talk to myself about all of this!!

No - text or no text- I can't do this no more... I feel it is the right thing for me and so NC for life... the fact he behaved so badly when he came, just leaves me with no respect for him in any shape or form. That was not the person I knew or loved...

I though I feel good right now- I think it is because I think I have made the right decision and also that I drank far too much last night and I think I am still drunk- I am expecting the hangover to come tom or maybe Sunday... as much as I feel some peace with me- I am sure I will have bad days ahead of me... well I must take it day at a time...

One thing that did annoy me is that at the end I just left it in his hands and walked away-- I feel like he has now thrown it back on me... to make a decision... wish he just left it as it was... nevertheless, despite my frustrations on this-- I realise there is no decision to make.

The tune for today--

Aselin Debison- over the rainbow- what a wonderful world (medley)...

Leaves a good feeling of hope...

Pat yourself on your back Zeenie, you one strong woman. He didn't deserve you!

Sorry but i had to VENT today

Okay i will start with the good news:

I am trying to get back on my feet now- and I think I am getting better with things slowly; of course I am nowhere near as I was before all this mess- but a start is a start. I can cope much better from 8am- 8pm. I still struggle v much in the mornings, especially this week as I am been up and in work when the sky is still dark (7am). Yesterday I broke a fair bit in the morning and I think it was the familiar feeling of getting up early- the last time I did this was last July. I guess as this is the first time since, I recognized this change (I used to speak to the ex early morning before I headed to work daily) and so I broke. Despite this, I know and I can see that I can cope much better at work, which is a good thing as I have been totally flat out with work- this week I have hardly had time to for lunch! After work I am not too bad as I go to the gym or yoga and in between these days I slot a few nice things to do with friends. I am starting to feel myself again- (me doing lots of chatting, laughing and cracking bad jokes). I still find the evenings hard- especially when I come home—but this week I have been working till midnight as I have been writing a paper and I am aiming to get it approved for publishing by the end of the month. I am still struggling on the weekends- hardest days of all- but I have some volunteering work twice a month on Sunday afternoons- and so that is something new I am enjoying.

My thoughts this week have shifted to the future. My company announced 10,000 jobs cuts this Monday- do to restructuring which was not good news at all, considering they have been chopping jobs in the thousands since last year and sadly I have watched many staff I worked very closely across the board disappear one by one. It really is sad and heartbreaking. I regard myself extremely lucky as I, like others in our site are fine till April 2010 (contract ends), and so now I am planning to use this time to broaden my horizon on creating a few options. Ultimately I think I would be happy to continue excelling where I am for a while after 2010, or move to Melbourne (have already got my sights on a few things I could potentially apply for). So I realized that in a few months I will be ready to start applying / thinking of where I will be next year. I think if I ever had to be single, now is a good time as whatever decisions I will make will be for me, with no attachments.

In the meantime I am trying to live each day as well as I can. I now get happy amusing moments and deep depression through out the day. It is not the best- but at least I do have moments of good laughs—I take that as a very good start. I recognize the importance to sleeping and eating well and looking after myself . I am happy to say that I finally am doing this (except I still struggle to have a good sleep). I have created a few mini- targets for me to do (purely to motivate myself and not let myself slip into deeper misery-so easy to do) from now to Easter -I booked a long weekend trip to Angkor Wat for Easter as something as a goal to work towards.

I tell myself- I will be fine- god knows how many times. My friends and family and all you guys say the same—I now feel I believe I will in time—which is good, as 2 months ago I swear I did not think I would ever recover. I would like to say thank you to everyone here as you guys have helped me a lot and are still continuing to do so.

The problem: The ex- apparently I got a voicemail saying he is coming in May to see me to talk and sort everything out to like it was. This was this morning, which would have been UK late night. I deleted the voicemail and did think about a thousand things—of course I did, I am human with feelings after all- but I know deep down I can't go back- I don't mean to be unreasonable or cruel to him- but I just can't do this anymore. My phone numbers will change in 11 days time and counting. Now I know the best thing to do- is to take this information from one ear to and out the next ear and flush it down the loo, but I have started stressing as the day has progressed with this this news. May is 3 months away- f***** hell- this is all too much. I don't want him to come, I don't want to see him and if he does come I don't want to know. I am trying so damm hard to move on in a positive, upbeat way – which has required a lot of motivation, strength, courage-- basically every god damm thing I could find in me and now after receiving the voicemail - I can feel that crash coming-- yet I have to carry on as I am still at work till 8pm this evening and then I swear I needing a strong damm drink! I don't feel free – I feel rather dishearten and fed-up. I am being unreasonable, narrow-minded with not wanting to know anymore of this situation? I don't think I am, but I sure as hell feel under tremendous pressure from him and his mum, which made me question if I am or not being fair about the whole thing. They have made me feel that I am not being fair and like if this is now my issue/fault and I am letting go of this opportunity. The thing is I don't feel this way-. I feel different towards the EX in multiple of ways and levels- I have wisen up a bit --of course I wished none of this happened- but the ugly truth is it did and now everything has changed for me. I feel that I did whatever I could to salvage the situation- I wait like a total fool- for that hope- even though I was so shocked and upset with what happened- eventually his actions made me see this relationship is nothing more now but just misery and pain. Finally after 6 crappy s h I tty months, I have managed to muster up some courage to walk away with some respect for me—why is it after all this mess and heartache, now I get this—why now – can't they see the damage is irreversible? Does the EX have any idea what it is like for me to watch him mess everything up and for me to eventually walk away and start again like so? He should leave me be and let me live. Can't he see this?? - this has made me so mad and upset today and so I just had to vent it out here- I still have four hours left before my work is finished. It was either this, or scream the place out. Sorry about this.

Zeenie, continue to look forward and just never look back. Your heading in the right direction. Feel free to vent, anytime, we hear to listen.

Zeeniee, I'm sorry your ex is drudging up all these negative feelings.

You don't owe him squat. It is your right to move on with your life and not care anymore about what goes on in his. I wish I could say that I'm surprised he hasn't gotten the clue yet.

Hang in there...

Well I just finished work and I feel terribly low- I can feel myself falling apart.

Feel totally crap

Think about it this way: your ex had his chance. He has thrown it away. Now he's asking for a second chance, when you don't want him anymore. You have the upper hand now!

True- but I don't feel like that anymore. The whole thing has been killed well and truly- I feel so upset as he went through all that - and what exactly did he gain?

For me it was a hell of heartache and now I feel extremely lost- but as I know I can only make things better for me- and so I must carry on.

Saying that this evening- I just don't feel like carry on- I feel rather destroyed and I have just broke into pieces.

I am so peeeved and fuming- there just no wayout. When you wish the EX would come back- they don't and so wait like a fool

And when you finally give up- and stop being in love and stop loving them- then they do..

Crap- crap-crap

Well I just have to carry on- tom is another day and it sure be better than today- because today is too hard and painful

Nice vent, and all you need is that physical release through exercise or walking. I think your at the point that you need somewhere to vent the anger you feel as he is an idiot in the first place.

This is when you power walk, or punch a pillow, or give us a nice RANT, right here.

Its part of the healing process.

I agree- I go to the gym alot- it is the only place I can forget everything and so I do make a huge effort to go and I do enjoy working out-but today I didn't as I had a long study of 12 hours and my legs are totally killing me- and so I needed a day off from a work out- or I swear mylegs will come off.

So today I am afraid- I am having a few cigs and some vodka- well just one drink as I have a long day tom as well..

Ahh the 'want what I can't have syndrom'... How selfish a person must you be to put someone you love and care about through all this pain, and to destroy so many aspects of her life. And finally, when she starts pickking herself up again and moving on, you try doing some more damage and try your hardest not to let her move on for the sake of, well, your ego.

If he was a decent person, he would at least realise the heartache he's put you through and wouldn't want you to hurt anymore. Even if he did want you back because he still has feelings for you (and not because he simply wants what he can no longer have), if he truly loved you, he would keep his mouth shut just to make sure he didn't hurt you anymore.

He's a bad person Zeenie, and I know you know that. He is not worth your time. There are good men out there. Men that aren't selfish and that do care about how the person they love is affected by their actions. I am completely confident that you will find a man like that, and when you do, you will be incredibly happy and most of all, you will think back on this as the best thing that could've happened in your life. I know right now it doesn't seem that way but in the long run, you deserve so much more than the lack of decency this man has for you. You deserve a catch, the type of man commonly referred to as 'one of the good ones', which your ex is clearly not.

Take it one day at time, you're on the right path and that's the bulk of the work right there. Don't overthink things, try to be blaze until your perspective becomes brighter. When you get down or have dark thoughts and feel depressed, try to daydream about a relationsip in which you feel fulfilled. After all, isn't visulaizing what we want the first step to getting it... visualize harmony and happiness as often as you can and it will come sooner rather than later.

Zeeniee, I have read some of your profile I do know your pain, My ex fiancé broke up with me about 2 years ago. I was so devistated that she broke up with me again. She was my first love and I never thought this would ever happen but time does heal. Although it has been a long recovery it does. It took me about 6-7 months for the pain to go away and about 8 months to stop thinking about her and since then I only think about her if I want too. You are on the wright track and I;m happy you are doing better from what I've read. When I was on here I never told anyone this but I was so much in love with her I would have taken her back in my hurt phase. Don't you will see him for who he's is when you start to heal.

Well it is Friday today and I think it will be a better day today- I got to work and the first thing I saw was this email sent to me--

Well it made me laugh my eyes out and well I could not resist sharing this with you guys...

Virgin: the world's best passenger complaint letter? - Telegraph (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/travelnews/4344890/Virgin-the-worlds-best-passenger-complaint-letter.html)

With kind regards
Zee

That was HILARIOUS! :)

I've got tears running down my face Zee. That was WAY TOO FUNNY!! Poor little Hammy the Hampster! LOL!

Well I thought to update as I have not done so for a while. It is the evil V day today- half way through the day here in Singapore. The day is actually Okay- it is the first single V day for me in 15 years... lol… I guess the best way is to embrace this day positively as I can and to treat it like any old day- except it is hard when you see nothing but bloody red hearts everywhere—I guess today I will try very hard and embrace the single feeling of freedom and peace.

Last week was rather stressful as I did get a V card from the ex-(a week ahead of V day- that was the first in timing) after debating on what to do, I did open the card, sneaky using the steam from the kettle (not to destroy the envelope) and had a look- I know I shouldn't have- but I was too damm curious and so I did. The card was full with words + a letter was in it- I can see that he regrets what has happened v much and would do anything to put it right—and from what he said- I am sure he would. Obviously my mind was in a whirl and I had a lot of thinking to do. At the end as difficult as it was, I resealed the V card and resend it back to him. I am so sorry but I am unable to re-consider trying again- of course I had thought about it- but too much has happened and too many damages has taken place, in particularly these last 6 months. I had the unfortunate experience of seeing a very ugly side to him that I never knew- that has stopped me re-considering as I see him as a very different from the person I knew and so it is best to leave things in the past now- this decision has been a tormented one as you can imagine but at the same time I am feeling the real ME and that I will take as a positive sign.

I am lucky I have no 'Love Box'- should really say 'Ex- BOX' to raid today- the BOX was the first imagine that came to me the second I opened my eyes this morning and it was HELL. The box had all the cards we both gave each other over 9 years and I think there were over 170 cards (love, B'day and engagement cards). I still remember the cards- and yeah that hurt v much today. Again I thought of the V card and letter he sent- but I can't go back=there will never be that level of trust ever and I will always worry if what if it happens again. I am so glad that I sent the box with the cargo back in Oct as at the time, it was too painful for me to see, and I did not have the heart to get rid of it (that would make me non-human), and so I sent it all back to him with his stuff and left the fate of the box in his hands as I did not want the burden on my shoulders of what to do with the box- thought I should let him decide- at the end he did screw everything up. Glad I did that, as if that box was here- I would probably (most likely—okay def) destroy myself looking at all the cards.

So today will be a normal Saturday, but a busy one. I brought a huge box of chocolates to share with the old folks at the volunteering place I have been going to this month on the weekend. Don't worry I will make sure I will MUNCH a few chocolates and will try very hard to leave some for them! Saying that I am looking at the chocolates right now and now am wondering if they will make it to the old peoples home in 2hrs time! After that I will be visiting the gym and then late evening I am meeting up with friends for a good drinking/chitchatting session at a funky bar which we booked two days ago. Thankfully the friends I am meeting up with are a mixture of couples and non- couples and I am glad for the balance, as I seriously am not in the mood to do the 'lets go out together cos were all single crap'- that seriously is just not me. I guess I am not ready to date yet- funny really as when you make a stance like that with yourself- you always find someone asking you out! Well I managed to wiggle out of 1 V lunch and 1V dinner- (first time to everything I guess) as I just am not ready. I think relaxing and having fun and good laugh with good friends is enough for me at the moment and so with that I will carry on.

Hey Zee save some chocolates for us too! :)

I know days like this can be tough but I'm glad you're able to stick to the realization that you can't take him back. Just out of curiosity, he didn't ask for money again in that card did he? (sorry, couldn't resist asking... )

Just wanted to add that your story has been an inspiration for me. You've shown some serious strength of will to get to where you are now. Thanks for keeping us updated with your story.

It really does sound like you are doing very well, considering. Valentines Day sometimes isn't much fun when all you see around you everywhere you look, every show on TV, and every song dedication on the radio is gushing looove

You opened the card, you got through it. You're going to do a very nice thing today to go and visit the old folks. I'm sure they will absolutely love and appreciate the chocolates. If there are any left! Back away from the box! LOL! Have a really great time when you go out with your friends tonight!

... and if you can stand one more...
http://www.postsmile.com/img/love/2506.gif (http://www.postsmile.com/) HVD!

Hey Unlucky Ducky,
In the letter he did not ask about the money - I think he knows better not to as I would chop his b@lls off frankly. The letter was fair and sincere as he could be under the cirumstances, that is what got to me- guess that grass was not that green on the other side after all...

Well me off now- haven't raided the chocs- but will soon!

Zeniee! Sup

Good thing that you are keeping yourself busy.I think you did great by sending him the letter and the box back

Don't hog up all the chocolates ,save some for the old people and me.

Zeeniee,

How are you doing? Everything okay with you.Any updates?

Hi Everyone, Sorry that I have not posted for a while- I guess I was taking a break from this site.

Not much to update, except Myles turned up in Singapore on the first week of March out of the blue- we did meet and talked and I finally got to say what I really thought of the whole situation and him. I had a lot to say and I am glad I said what I did. He actually came to apologize as he said he could not leave it this way- sadly the apology was just too late - it is clear he does have a lot of feelings for me- but I made things clear- that we can never be.

He said he did not meant for things to go this way-or this far but then I found out. At the end of the day, I don't know Myles anymore and the guy I saw was not the person I knew. He looked lost, weak and well a mess… it is such a sad thing to see. I hope he does sort himself out for himas it does hurt me to see him this way. Anyway since then it has been a clear cut NC. A while back his sister got in contact through FB and requested friends- which I declined – but I felt very bad and so explained my reasons and gave her my hotmail if she wanted to email- but so far nothing and I am glad as I don't want any contact. Last week 'someone' hacked in my FB and changed my picture profile- to the one of me on our last trip together last year…well there was not much to do really but change my password and let it be- if Myles did this (very sure he did)… that's his problem not mine. I don't wish to see him again and I hope that was the last of him. I don't love him no more, but I miss him (well the person I knew) v much- he was not just someone I loved, but he was also my best friend. Crap...

Apart from the above, I have been really busy at work- and I have booked a few places to go traveling- first stop is next week to Angkor Wat- finally I can have a bloody break! Next stop is Darwin in June and Melbourne in August and I can't wait!

Good to hear you are doing well Zeenie! We missed you!

Thanks Kctiger! It is strange to add a post after such a while- lol... anyway I like your post about 'the joys of being single'... I guess I will have to make a small list and add on to the post!

I thought to update my post as I have not done so since April and I wanted the opportunity to share my thoughts and developments with everyone as a reflection of my year so far. I can't help thinking back to this time last year where I was well one big mess. I was very heartbroken and my pain was unbearable to the point I did not want to know me anymore. The breakup destroyed my world, heart and soul and left me spinning insane for months on end. Well over a year on…I am happy to say I am alive and kicking!! Cheeky as ever and a bigger chatterbox than I could imagine (did not think that was actually possible, nor did my friends! Hahaha). 2009 has certainly been one of the hardest years I have ever endured, but bizarre as it sounds I recognize it has also been a very good year in disguise. I have to say I do feel like if I have done nothing this year, aside from crying a lot and staring at empty space, but the true fact is I have done a lot- rather, it has been a case of me working away quietly in the background. I now believe I have created a new, better foundation for me, which will no doubt help, benefit and secure me in all my future endeavors in life.

The ex situation: I am happy to say I feel no love for the ex and I am happy he is no longer in my life- this bit I feel no pain and nor is the ex relatable to me or my life anymore. I acknowledge that total and a non- reversible NC with the ex, his family and all our mutual friends was the only way. Painful and very hard it was- but glad I did this. My advice to anyone who is reading this- take all the advice this website gives you and use it as an opportunity to turn you around with a positive spin. NC is very important – in fact vital if you want to move on and become a better you. For me the consequence of NC has been huge... aka my world is no longer spinning out of control and I now see everything that dares to move!! I am now in control of me, my life, and more importantly I now think of how I would like to do things to give me the best choices with maximum flexibility. It took me a bloody long time and a lot of hard work, effort and serious soul searching from me to get to this point, and I have to say it is worth every molecule of air I breathe today. I now realized that I have not lost me, nor have a f u ck ed up, or lost the plot, but rather I just got sided tracked for a while with a broken heart, and if anything, I recognize I have a lot of power, strength, will and determination inside me- how I really don't know- but it is all there, waiting for me. The fact is I am the same person as I always known me and I am now just a bit wiser and smarter ( I hope). The only thing that gets to me is the bouts of sadness that comes and goes, as what I miss the most these days is having that special x factor connection with a soul mate in everyway- I recognize that this is normal and a natural thing and so now I don't give me a hard time about it, rather I just let the feelings come and go as they wish- I guess time will do its thing and I am confident enough to know my potential, dreams and aspirations with myself and the life I would like to lead, that one day I will meet a much better soul mate in good time. Now when I think of my ex- I remember the good times we had and did. That is all I will allow myself to acknowledge, cherish and respect, as this = represents important parts of my life and who I am as a person. Aside from that, my mission and journey with my ex is over.

My healing over my breakup has been much slower than most people. For me the biggest learning curve was to find a way to let go of my soul-mate (the hardest thing I have ever done in my life), recognizing me- who I am and what I am worth, giving myself a good slapping when I wanted to just 'give up' (there were plenty of slaps from me and many people!! )….learning to be comfortable with me, and being on my own and not expecting anything from anyone. Only once did I get to this point, and not before, did I allow myself to come out and party again and I am slowly getting there- it is just taking me a longer than I thought. The most significant people in my life this year were my family and a few very amazing friends- all who have reached out in their own ways for me to get back on track. This I am extremely grateful for, and I will never forget. Friendship has been a huge and major factor this year for me. I had to let go of all my and ex's mutual friends. I lost 3 friends that sadly died very suddenly out of the blue this year, and I have made a few new good friends (this includes er... a 3ft monkey called jack the lad). As Xmas is arriving soon, this year I decided to do something different. Aside from give cards and gifts to family and friends like I do ever year, I also chose 6 friends- these friends I regard very special to my heart, as they were the most significant friends to me this year that help me get back on my feet. For these friends, I got a special Xmas gift, a way of a huge thank you and expressing massive respect and appreciation for kicking my a s s lol and listening to my heartache for months on end and I hope to continue being good friends with them as always.

In terms of dating etc- this has been a slow progression. Initially I just switch off like if all males species never existed in this world (sorry guys). This I did for me and so I can just focus on me for a while. I also did this as I did not trust me – as I know how easy it would be for me to fall for someone for all the wrong reasons. Now that I feel me and I am happy, and I am getting my life in order, I have been slowly dating on and off for the last 3 months in a friendly way. Surprisingly and luckily most of my experiences so far have been kind and sweet and I have met a few nice guys in the process. I have learnt I still have all my devilish flirting skills ( if not more now lol) and that I am not DEAD but very much alive and kicking :-) . I have to say I have been overwhelmed at times with some of the flattering feedbacks I have received from guys I have casually dated, which has been a good confidence boost to me. This in turn has made me realize what a frigging tosser and a looser the ex was (and is), how much better I can do, how much more I deserve as a person, friend and soul-mate. I have not met anyone that has blown my mind and heart yet. A lot of this has to do with the fact that I am not quite ready for a relationship, nor have I been actively looking and nor have I really placing a huge effort in the dating situation. At this point I just want to be free, happy and just enjoy myself, getting to know people in a good and sincere way and if I wake up and I find someone special that turns me to a happy jellyfish then that will be fabulous…and so at the moment- I am just looking for good friendship and going with the flow of things with caution. Having said that, I have found this challenging at times as I have very tempted to nibble and munch a few lol…. Hahaha I see this as I am moving forward in a positive way.

Currently in the last two months – I have been heavily focusing on my career- which is in the process of a huge revamp- I think it is a good time to do this, as I am young and fancy free as people say! Ultimately I am now thinking where I want to be within the next 5 years time and making solid plans to create this change.

Thank you for reading my very long post- hope you all are looking forward to Xmas and the New Year. For me this Xmas will be way better than last year. I can't even remember what the he l l I did last Xmas- I have no re-collection of memory... well this Xmas me and 3 of my female friends will be celebrating the long Xmas weekend at Gilli Island, Lombok, for some serious sunbathing, snorkeling and partying. The island has no cars or motorbikes- the only mode of transport is a frigging donkey! Bliss! Things can only get better - I hope
with kind regards
Zeeniee

So happy your doing so well!

You have made my holiday season a happy one indeed. I am thrilled and excited for you finding your happiness within yourself.

The next sound you hear is me cheering you on, > big ole cyber hug<

Great to hear!
All the best and Happy Holidays!

Great Zeenie!

Hello EVERYONE!
Sorry I have not been on this site v much, but I thought to update etc... sorry the thread is long- I wrote it when I was on a 12hr flight lol...

Moving on after the ex

The word ‘move on’ has to be the most annoying word on the planet. I hear it all the time, like it is easy to do with a click---wishful thinking. When people say this- they expect you to move on with your life like nothing happened- crazy but true.

I have often asked myself when will I see that day?? - I always assume that I would see myself move on slowly bit by bit- the fact is it does not happen that way- but rather you realize this when a situation comes and after you deal with that situation- the realization comes with a surprise BANG.

In the past, when I tried to get over the ex- I tried to erase the love I had for him- each time I tried= I failed miserably. This frustrated me v much and I felt = I will never over this f-ing prick. What the f u c k do I have to do to get over him?? Jump over a cliff and die?? Believe me – I am ashamed to say that this did crossed my mind a thousand times in the first few months. It is only with time and space- I realize I can’t erase the love I had once for the ex= impossible task- eventually this frustration turned to acceptance. Once I accepted that it is okay to not erase the love I once had for the ex- which was defined by a given time and space of the past- I stopped giving myself a hard time on this subject= some peace with my mind and soul. Eventually with time, I was able to dissociate love I had which will always be, to I don’t love him right now anymore- in this moment/time = a good sign= . For me this= the start of I am getting over the ex as the love= STOPPED DEAD. Once upon a time I would close my eyes and see his face, hear his voice , feel his heart beat and even see a vision of a future—now I see blank blackness= no vision, no future= and if now want to see the face, the voice, the smile= requires me to stop breathing while I focus v hard to feel again=this was the only feeling my heart showed me- I am over the ex. SOOO GLAD!

People assume as you don’t like your ex anymore, or love them= you can move on happily now like munching chocolate and ice-cream. Well again it is easier said than done- the funny thing about this- is I would love to get up and move on- but it is so the damm the opposite in reality. The hardest thing for me was to carry on- with the daily routine crap – surrounded with the same environmental cues as when the ex was in my life. So I start doing all this crap - telling myself all will be fine- but the truth is non of it made sense anymore—all I felt = meaningless life in my heart- even though people will point and tell me how lucky I am- even I would tell me this—but for some reason I was not feeling it. As time goes by eventually one starts looking to fill that loss – many times we don’t actually want to fill that loss- but subconsciously that is what we end up doing – am I guilty on this as well—as I unintentionally went through a period where every guy I met- I think is he BF material or not way lol- I know it is v wrong—I did not do this on purpose- but that is what happened-as I went through this= I realized how messy I was, how very vulnerable I was and how a action of one guy can make me smile one second and make me cry the next= a v unattractive Zeeniee= SHOCK to me!! However by going through this= made me see I have a lot of work to do on me- and me alone.

One of the biggest frustration= dealing with the consequence of a break up—aka starting life again from SCRATCH-for me as time went by, I realized- I just don’t feel the same way about a million of things around me- that ‘X’ factor that made me buzz in life= not there anymore= DEAD feeling everywhere I go and with everything I do. It is hard to explain as – to this day I can’t even describe it- v frustrating! The best I can describe is me floating in the sea day by day for eternity. And so I told myself to give me time. So time came by and went- and well came my and went again and nope I felt the same- sometimes even worse= more floating in the sea- with no real direction.


Eventually I came to the realization that the only way I will move forward with my surroundings is to change something- and so I went soul-searching and I struggled v much to find ‘that f-ing thing”….eventually I attacked something that I loved and was passionate about the most- my career- aka my love for science and research- so without actually realizing at the time ( but I do now) I threw myself from my boat by not accepting a future with my company after my 5 year stint. Very daring- very insane as well- In effect what I did- which I did not realize then, is I placed me with two choices- swim Zeeniee or go and sink Zeeniee. So I very nicely went and placed myself in HELL for the last 8 months= by throwing myself from that boat-to a deep deep ocean- to swim. It was a long, long, long, swim- neverending and many times I regretted it and wondered why I did it. At times swimming= fine, but a lot of the time= hard. Whenever I wanted to give up- I stopped swimming, only to find myself sinking= panic!! = the will to live life hit me hard in my face= start swimming again. It was the only way for me to really push myself hard and mean to find a better path and to focus on something else instead of the ex or guys.

With the guys situation I realize-I was in such heartache= everything was just wrong and I could not understand this- I have split up before= it was not hard then = so why now…. It was a classical case of when a guy liked me—I was not ready, I did not like him or when I did like a guy- he was leave the country or was not even living in the same country, he is getting over an ex and so on….. In time I realized my mind, heart and soul mentally, physically was still at this beautiful level- where one was in deep love - sadly I was at that high love level in space when the ex abruptly dropped than bomb on me and so with time I realized I what I needed to do ---is to slowly and gently start climbing down that long f-ing ladder from space - step by step such that I reach the bottom at step zero=-earth ground-- where my mind, heart and soul mentally, physically was at a friendship level. Only when I got to this level- life started to look different- people started to look different- my love and care for people around me grew and my appreciation for friends and family that helped me when it matter the most was acknowledged. Now when I see a guy= he is automatically a friend= and that is all I will do and give for now. How I give is by how I feel for that person and how I value him as a person. If ever I woke up and find more- okay- but all in good time, space and in small steps- I will now only give if the love and surroundings are correct. It took me such a bloody long time to get to this level- but by having this power, strength and belief= a lighter, kinder and better heart and soul= I now find I am much more open to talk and to view different thoughts, ideas—not only that I now can breathe when I have to, pause my world when I have to, speed my world when I have to= finally I am feeling Zeeniee- after 19 months of HELL= thank god for that= cos I thought I died forever to be honest. Most important realization is the beauty of good friendship= one that two people enjoy, are there for each other one way or another, even if it is in a small way= super special, and one where there is no demands of an expectation= beautiful indeed. This is where I am at today.


Now I am at a place with me- I see this, I feel this- I grab it lol- with care and full respect! You can say I have stopped swimming & reached the shores= which is a nice thing- However I know if don’t get it right- I have to go out to sea again- and I don’t want to do that!! I now wonder what life holds for me. All I know is my passion for science is strong. I am happier (when the ex and his f-ing family don’t bother me), I have good friends and family= I feel this= good. I think I am doing okay and finally I see another vision- a crazy one indeed- but it is a vision of a hope, a dream and a will to live well- without ting on any one lol. All I know- only I can do this- if I want to- this power is in my hands only- and so use it, use it well. One advantage of being single= less complicated life, less drama as well- as I am focusing on me solely for this period in time- well if that is the case- I tell myself- I better create something f-ing good to show for it to me. I see this as a opportunity to grow, develop me well, create a better foundation in life in everyway and so if I do wake up and meet that amazing person= heaven… and if I wake up and that person walks away= I can still go on= never fall so hard like I did with my ex and if never meet anyone- well I hope I have enough around me to be happy. With this hope and faith in myself I try to walk again.

So well I can say now I have a new job!! I get paid a lot more than my last job ;-) :-) , new place to move :-) :-) - yes finally I can leave that place where I had to stick it out for 19 months no thanks to the ex! Things are looking better- slowly thou- I also have a v good vision of the future and I hope to work hard, save hard and so I can move to OZ asap. That is my goal to drive me now. In the meantime- I heard the ex – v cleverly got his smarty pants on and got his chick pregnant 3 months after he came to Singapore last March= and well he is now a dad! At first when I heard this= I was speechless and v shocked! But now I laugh at this. Well I say good luck to them- as well what ever plans he made- aka traveling round the world, partying, drinking, saving 20k and moving to New Zealand- opening a nice pub in a mountain blah blah….(well is what he bragged about last March when he came with his chick)….is not going to happen as easy as he said it. GOOD!!!!!!!!!! It will do him good to think about someone else for a change rather that himself. I don’t mean to sound horrible- but this has made me happy- he don’t deserve any traveling holidays lol!! I guess Karma does come in mysterious ways :-).
With kind regards zeeniee