All right I need some advice.

He's a super attractive guy, the sex was beyond great and when we were together I felt pretty specail to be with him.

The problem?

Had been with him a little over a month and he still had not, and would not, SAY anything along the lines of how he cared for me.

Example: "i really care for you."
"i like you alot.."

etc.
I wasn't asking for his entire soul bared to me but I had hoped for something. I approached him about it and told him I was starting to feel that maybe he was just using me as a 'play thing' when he was bored. Since he'd only come over once and awhile... I'd see him maybe twice a week. (he lives only like 13min drive from me)

He has a car, I don't and where he lives busses are hell... which is why I didn't go to his place much PLUS he has a female roommate which makes me feel weird.

(He also, not with me around, ever introduced me as his girlfriend.)

I left him go saying I needed to feel more special, and HEAR how he felt. That I didn't feel like he'd miss me or not in his arms.

I'm a pretty expressive kind of gal and in the emotional department he's like the exact opposite.

One friend says I made a mistake throwing away a great guy who just showed how he cared physically (he did bring me flowers once in that month), another friend says I did the right thing that he was using me.

When he did stay over night the next morning it always seemed like he was in a hurry to bolt out the door... and his kisses... he never GAVE kisses I had to.. and the ones he gave were always very dry kisses like you might give a friend.

What do you all think? Any questions ask.


PS (for age reference I'm 28 he's 33)

Sometimes one person's "schedule" isn't someone else's, and for legitimate reasons too. Some of us are fast, some slow, some are playing games. If you want to know which it is, ask... talk... be real.

Those who are slow need to ask for a slower pace or explain why they are creating one, when asked. Those who are fast need to explain where's the fire, agree to be patient or find a fast one like themselves. A month doesn't seem very long to me but then we just established on another thread how slooooooow I am hahaha! But the key to any of it is TALKNG!

Eventually in those who play games, what they do won't match what they say. If you have been having what you thought were sincere conversations up to that point, ask one more time, hear the contradictory talk, know you got a gamer and then. . Run!

While I can appreciate you taking lots of cues from his behavior, I don't hear that you two did much actual talking. I sounds to me like the communication skills in this relationship needed some beefing up both directions. Without that, things tend to sadly go flat regardless of all the other good stuff you mentioned. Second guessing is never a productive thing so stop the thoughts or take the action. If you think you made a mistake with this man, seek him out and talk. It is the only way to know.

I did find one thing odd in all this that you might want to examine first --- "i'm a pretty expressive kinda gal and in the emotional department hes like the exact opposite." If you knew that, then why try to change him? Why reject him over that too?

I hope that helps and thanks for posting.

I did talk to him... I tried.

I felt I expressed myself better in letters where I had time to think and say things without over reatcing etc.

So I had sent him letters exlpaining my feelings... one letter I had expressed my hurt feelings over how he made me feel very put out at one of his functions by not including. He would not even introduce me to his buddies there, just proceed to talk to them as if I were not there. I expressed my feelings in a non blaming way and stated more then once I was not doing so.

He however took offence to this email (there were other areas I had talked about my feelings) and reacted as if I had viciously attacked him and put him down (dispite how I stressed I was not).

Then four days later (after he and I talked and I thought things were OK again) he ignores me for two days. We had made plans for the weekend but he acted like he didn't know me and ignored emails asking where he was, cell messages... etc. I did not bombard his email box or cell with crazed messages, just one email expressing concern as to where he was... and two cell calls. One saying I was leaving to the meeting location and hoped to see him there, the other to indicate I was sorry I had not seen him and was heading home.

I was very hurt when I had found out he had ignored me.. and his excuse was "i had been thinking about that email and it started to bother me again." since that infamous email I had been hesitant to talk to him about anything for fear he'd take it personally and react in such a way again...

Again, back to my original post, I know and understand people move at different speeds, but all I was asking from him was for him to verbally afirm for my own piece of mind how he was feeling about me. To whatever level it had been.

I am very sorry for your hurt and confusion, and again I will stress that what you are indicating is a big lack of talking... frank, honest talking from both sides. I don't know how else to put it.

It seems that you made more of an effort than he did to communicate, albeit letters and emails, but those things lack tone and can be very very easily misconstrued. Actually all written words can be misunderstood which is why I am so careful here to be accurate or ask questions when I don't understand.

Face to face talking, golly, I hope that isn't going out of style! :eek:

One of the greatest lessons of love there is to learn is this-- you can't make someone love you if they don't. And by that very same token, you can only object to someone's treatment of you and if they won't hear you or don't change, there is your answer. They aren't willing to compromise. At least not for you, maybe not for anyone. And that isn't a good sign.

I don't think so much that this guy used you, as much as what I am seeing now is you want to be treated better, you believed you deserve it and he didn't. Could it be, by having so many other qualities, he has his pick of girls and, in having his pick, he thinks he can afford poor manners? Girls come this way too, by the way.

Take your good manners, brush up on your face to face talking and slooooooow down a bit. Ever hear of dating? It's a lot less traumatic on you than "serial relationshipping" is. Look around on some of the relationship threads here, we talk about it all the time!

And again, welcome. :)

Hehe makes sense.

But, it's not that he has a lot of other qualities... I mentioned he was attractive... he's a body builder. I, personally am not so vain as to only date 'perfect' looking guys and until him had never been with a builder before.

But my friends warned me that 'those type' of people are usually pretty shallow and full of themselves anyway.

Who knows. But thank you for your advice. And you are right. -talking- face to face does work best... it was stupid of me to try and express so much in an email.

Emails should be used for short quick things.. not pouring your heart out when you can see them in person.

Lessons learned on this one... heart still hurts but that's part of the lesson.

I can honestly tell you now that bodybuilders are not all vain and full of themselves.
I was dating a bodybuilder for 2 years, we recently split and are still very close - he's one of the nicest, most caring people I've ever met in my life and Im very much in love with HIM not just his body (although admittedly it is very hot lol)

This guy you were with does seem quite slow on the uptake when it comes to a relationship. For me, a month is a little too soon to be taking it too seriously - that's still in the very fun stages... although I know its different for others.

The main reason I can think of, is maybe he was trying to take it slowly whereas he felt that, with you asking how he felt etc... that maybe you were going a little too quickly for HIM.
With my bodybuilder boyfriend, we were together for around 3 months before we started to take it too seriously and have chats about our feelings for each other etc...
Although I do think you are very entitled to be hurt that he didn't introduce you as his girlfriend, and at one point, didn't introduce you at all.

Maybe it was just a physical thing for him - I don't know.
I'm sorry you're hurt by this, and I do hope you feel better soon.
Best of luck :)

Some people are not very expressive and this guy seems to be one of them. That doesn't make him a bad person. Ultimately the decision to end the relationship is yours but I'm not sure your reasons for doing so are very compelling. Did he give any indication of his intentions at all or seem to indicate that he wanted to go somewhere with this? Knowing his level of sincerity may help to clarify things.

A whole month-WOW. Stop having sex with him and see if he talks or walks! Or he got what he wanted already and is not willing to give you what you want. :cool: :confused:

You want this guy to fall head over heals for you in a month??

WHAT HAPPENED TO TAKING IT SLOW?? WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT??

One month - ehhhhhhhhhhhh - surprised he didn't run after all your letters and stuff.

WHY on earth are you getting soooo emotial after little over a month?? How about, maybe after 6 months? GET TO KNOW THE GUY FIRST!! GET TO KNOW THE GUY FIRST!!

YOU don't know someone after a month. Is he broke? Was he in jail? Does he have 5 girl friends? Is he on drugs? Does he HAVE STDs??

You keep giving away free sex, of course he's coming over.

Dear, be ready to deal with what happens, no matter what.

http://www.singlestylish.com/features/breaking_up_seven_things_you_n.php (http://www.singlestylish.com/features/breaking_up_seven_things_you_n.php)

I just checked out this site - I usually don't bother with these type, but this one was interesting.
It's just for us girls...

So, back to you... You should give yourself more credit - he's emotionally deprived and it will not change until he realizes this. It takes all kinds to make up this world, he's just in a different category than what you need.

You deserve someone who is proud to be with you, who introduces you to his friends, who spends time talking about everything under the sun, and not just a hop in bed. Maybe he does not realize that he needs to do more than just be an acrobat in bed - didn't learn any other way because no woman ever cared about his mind, and he just does not know any better.

You can take the time and energy to teach him different, but you also have to realize what you'll be investing and to figure out for yourself if he's worth the effort. Even if you succeed, he might take what he's learned and share it with someone else. At any rate, the way it looks now, he winds up ahead in this deal.

So, be sure of what your goal is, and make your choice. Good luck and stay with us.

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I posted a bit ago about my boyfriend.

(I am 28, he is 33, we have been seeing each other for a little over a month now.)

He had not been expressing any feelings about me and whatnot and I was feeling quite put out and uncared for.

Yesterday I sent him an email and asked straight out, Do you still care for me, Do you still want me.

He was unable to answer straight out, however said he hasn't been sure lately. Not because he doesn't care for me, but just because he's scared. And when he's scared, he pulls away.

He's been screwed over in the past big time by a couple women, and it seems like he's got a track record of just being used and left.

I told him if he wanted to end it to just say 'goodbye'. He responded with, Let's both say goodbye then. I"m sure I'll regret it, but it's probably easier now than later. I do wish I'd have a crystal ball sometimes to see what the future has in store though.

He's admitted he thinks things will go downhill 'because they always have'.

i was going to be a coward and leave a msg on his cell phone, just saying 'goodbye'... but this time (he never answered it in the past) he answered.

There was genuine compassion in his voice and even tho i was trying not to i was crying and squeeking as i talked. i told him i had called to just say goodbye and he went quiet. i said i thought it was a bad idea to break up over something that may or may not happen and he agreed and asked to come over after work to talk.

(He told me, that out of everything, the emails and the phone call, it was the phone call that hit him hardest. He knew i never called and to see me calling made him worried.)

i said yes... and then in the next emails that followed he said things to me on his own accord, i had been yearning to hear for so long.

" I do like you very much"
"It does hurt me to hear you hurt like this"
"you made me feel better too every time we snuggled"
"I love you're company when we're together and I do
Miss you"
"And when I see you, I turn to mush"
"I never said I didn't want you"

He came over and we talked. He said he doesn't really want to loose me, he's just scared of what might happen. i did my best to reassure him and at the end we decided to stay together and just try things alittle differently.

He'd try expressing himself more wit he's both feeling cornered and with his feelings to me.. and i told him i'd be more understanding and careful how i approached things.

It was as if for the first time we both really connected and now i feel very relieved.

He's now even mentioned in passing about me moving in with him next month. This i'm not sure about... my turn to be nervous. i dont understand how he can go from being so hesitant and scared about the future blowing up on him to asking me to move in with him? Is it possible the talk effected him that much?

This morning before he left for work, (in the past he would hurry out the door like his butt was on fire) he took his time.. he gave me a real heartfelt hug (not rushed at all) and a real kiss. then if that wasn't suprise enough for me he said as he went out the door, "Have a good day, I'll miss you."

I'm curious to hear oppinions on this... because I just want to hope things are all OK now and we are both on the same page.

Is this a rerun or did I blink?

I will say, it has been a month, I take that long to decide what type of sheets I am going to buy for my bed.

He is dating, one has to like or feel something to go out with another person, he is most likley afraid of a long term or serous commitment ( and honestly with just a month, he should not have to be thinking about one yet.

On big piece of advice. QUIT the e-mail communication UNLESS it's light. Make it PACT!! A rule!!

Don't discuss anymore serious stuff through e-mail - ONLY in person. E-mail clouds everything - believe ME - I know - I just went through that. I KNOW E-MAIL CAN KILL A RELATIONSHIP.

AND yes - it's only a month - don't move in together until AT LEAST 6 MONTHS OR MORE LIKE A YEAR!! PLEASE!!

You two are still learning about each other.

This relationship isn't exactly getting off on the right foot is it? You both seem to have a lot of aprehensions about one another. You also said in a previous post how great the sex is and how attractive this guy is. Are you more attracted to him physically than you are mentally? From your posts it sounds like this may be a possibility. This is obviously not healthy. I'm not syaing you are, I'm just posing the question that you may need to answer in your own mind.

I hope things work out best for you but I agree with wildcat, email conversation needs to end and you need to see and talk to one another.

I know the internet and email are a valuable form of communication but there is no better way than getting to know someone than looking them in the eye and actually having physical communication.
Good Luck

It sounds like he probably does care for you. Unfortunately he seems to have lumped you in the same category with those other women who burned him and used him. We all know this is unfair but unfortunately that tends to be human nature, where we as individuals are not given the chance to prove ourselves but instead are judged based on the actions of others. Show him that you are a genuine, trustworthy, honest and caring person. It'll take time but as he gets to see that in you more and more his fears will start to subside. It may be hard for him to talk about at first but try to find out just what happened with these other women. Make sure that he truly was mistreated by these people and that he's not just using that as an excuse. Hopefully he doesn't have a chip on his shoulder ; otherwise there will never be any getting through to him and eventually you'll come to be painted with the same brush which isn't fair either.

Stop having Sex and see if he sticks around!

All the advice you've received has been good advice and to the point.
Please do wait and get to know him better before jumping into something like moving in with him. If it's meant to last, it will last - just don't be in a hurry.

Start being friends and learning about each other and don't force him or yourself into sudden commitments as you'll have plenty of time for that. As you go along, you'll be able to trust each other more, and be secure in the relationship, but it's too early and you should not rush things.

Again, good luck, and keep us posted.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZN)

I see you've changed your mind - woman's prerogative and all that LOL
Now that you see how easily you two screw it up, would you please
Go really S------------L------------O------------W!!

And even then its probably going to be too fast, okay? :eek:

Lots of talking face-to-face, lots of meeting each others friends and family, lots of experiencing each other's world, lots of seeing each other in ALL kinds of circumstances. If you skip "Relationship 101", you are sure to fail "Advanced Relationship" :p

As for moving in, it was once suggested to me that you don't move in unless you are prepared to marry him - its just about as serious. That slowed me down a bit. :o

Is it just me or is there another post by Blazing sun with the same subject.

Its only been a month.
1 month is not a long time. At this point of the relationship you 2 should be out having a good time and a good laugh together. Not worrying about expressing feelings for each other. It takes time for feelings to go grow, id say after 3 or 6 months at least.

Forcing the opposite to what he wants will only push him further away!

You said yourself he has been screwed in the past by ex gf's, so don't push for commitment.

Just a little update on this mess.

I did take him back, we did talk. It was still kind of rocky.

But we are still together and now plugging towards our third month together.

There were some big mistakes made on both sides in the very beginning, I'll be the first to bow down and admit it.

But I'm learning. And so is he. And that's what this is all about hm? :)

I'm confident it's not just about the sex anymore. There are nights there is none, and we are content to just be together.

He has introduced me to his family... and made an effort to go to my dads wedding on the weekend but his car broke down on the way. He got it towed back to my place and we spent 3 full days together for the first time.

We talked about lots of stuff, he opened up and we both did a lot of learning about each other. (I know 3 days isn't eternity) but it was a wonderful start and something I think we both needed.

We had so much fun together, and I saw sides to him I hadn't seen yet. I learned things about him where I thought was him not caring... wasn't the case at all.

He's just different then the guys I've been with in the past. That doesn't make him wrong. Just means I need to give a little and not expect so much and learn his dance as we go.

Where I was unsure and stuff before, now I feel much more confident and happy with him.

Thought I'd share with everyone, heh I deem this as good news.

Thank you everyone for your advice before.

s_cianci, he's admitted to having tried to push me away at times 'for my own good' when he said he was just getting nervous. He's admitted this was silly of him and is working on his insecurities.

Wow - that's great. Happy for you.

EVERYONE needs to learn from this - NO ONE IS PERFECT - NO ONE. Not me, not you. It's called living with your partners quirks, differences, etc. - AND looking past those.

There is NO 'perfect' love - ever!! People think there is... No!!

You just want to make sure the person you are with IS NOT a CHEATER, VERBAL abuser, physical abuser, lier, crook, drug addict, alcoholic etc.

Communications is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO important. Soooooooooooooo important. You HAVE to be able to sit down and talk.

I can't spread any Wildcat but right on. All you said.

Also, can't rush things... anything. You could miss so many important things along the slow sweet journey to getting to know someone if you do.

Keep your arms and eyes wide.

Just when you think you know someone, that's when they are going to surprise you.

Originally posted by Blazingsun
He's just different then the guys I've been with in the past. That doesn't make him wrong. Just means I need to give a little and not expect so much and learn his dance as we go.


Don't forget that it takes two in a relationship and he should learn your dance too.

It is all give and take from both people. You are in this together.

Hey, Blazing... It's great that you've given each other more time to grow. You both seem to feel that it worth it from what I read. Keep us posted.

Thumbs up for communication and humor.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNxdm801YYDE)

OK, this should be hopefully, one of the last posts about the guy I'm ' kind of currently with'.

I finally got fed up with his (self admitted) pushing me away and then calling me up to spend time with me when he felt it was OK enough for him.

I wrote him a kind, but honest letter (yes a letter don't thwack me, I can't SEE him since he moved far away and couldn't call, otherwise I know about the no feelings in an email thing) explaining why I would not be talking to him for the next little bit. (I couldn't just stop talking to him without offering him an explanation. I know if rolls were reversed I would have appreciated some kind of one myself)

I told him how I felt about him, but also how emotionally draining it was. I told him that when he is ready to pull instead of push me away I'm there for him.

I didn't end the relationship. This is me giving him a lot of space to think about what he really wants. And I guess in this time I'm doing some thinking too, while I'm trying to keep a growing line of guy friends away from moving into position to try and claim me should I become single.

I love this guy, but I'm using the adadge, "if you love someone set them free, if it's meant to be they will come back to you."

It's hard. It's only been a week so far of no communication at ALL, and I'm going nuts. I'm hanging out with my friends and stuff but still I long for his voice and to feel his touch.

He's made no effort to talk to me since, he didn't even reply to the letter.

Guess I'm just looking for some extra strength to get through this. *weak smile* I am adament not to buckle though and stick to my grounds.

However, I'm not putting my life on hold for this guy forever. If I haven't heard anything from him by the first of the month, I'm going to end it cleanly.

You stay strong. You have to.
You have seen first hand here that this is the best option for you at the moment.

You have even given loads and loads of wonderful advice to many people on here saying as such.

I think you are going a wise way about this. You haven't seemed overly confident or satisfied in this relationship from your first post here!

Blazing - you know it's best to leave him be. I wouldn't contact him at all if that's they way he acted. Make him come to you - if not - then something's wrong with this guy.

He needs to apprecoate you. He takes you for granted.

I wondering if, forsome reason, he doesn't respect you??

Blazingsun you are such a strong person I don't think you realise this.

You have done the right thing.
Leave him be now, you said your part, now its up to him.

Why wait end it now and don't look back. I've read your other post and know for a fact you don't need him and you know you can do a lot better. Celebrate your new freedom with love for you!

Hi dear. Thanks for sharing this with us. You will not get a 'pep talk' from me, since you know yourself that anything can happen from this point on. What you do with what happens has probably already gone through your mind in several 'plays' by now. But as all plays that are not written by those in the roles, they can take unexpected turns and I sincerely hope that you have prepared a contingency plan either way.

You also know that we will be here for you at any time, to help share your joy or help heal your wounds. So, please keep us informed and stay with us.

Wishing you all the best,

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNxdm801YYDE) Chery

I applaud you giving it a sensible deadline, Blaze! Most people who take the kind of actions you did forget that essential part all together... which only makes them look not serious about it. I can see you are. I certainly understand that you got to do all that you need to in order to walk away not nagging yourself to death afterwards. Just be sure if and when it ends, don't end up grieving for what "could have been", but grieve instead for what was -- that's another easy tripping place for some people too. Offers you some of my strength to do yourself right in this.

Been awhile since I've been here posting.

For those who remember I was with this guy who was scared to say anything along the lines of how he felt or anything... and who got uncomfortable when I tried to talk to him about things and or when I would express how I was feeling etc.

I worked up the nerve and broke contact with him for awhile. A little over a month later and still no word from him I've tried to move on, and met someone new who treats me 110% better and who can actually talk about things.

For those reading out there who don't know if they could ever hold off on contact with someone you care about deeply for a month or more.. it IS possible. It's hard. But if you get out into life and hang out with friends, they can help a lot in keeping your mind off someone you otherwise shouldn't be obesssing over.

At the end of your cool off time, you'd be surprised how clearly you can see. I know I am.

Good for you - you will heal faster.

It has to be that way for a lot of reason including getting your power back. Respect. Reflecting on the REAL problems and why you broke. Fix yourself. LEARN about mistakes.

"who treats me 110% better and who can actually talk about things." - let me guess though - you still 'feel' for the other guy - still want him.

Feel for him? Course. I always will. But I'm beyond wanting to be with him. I know he's not for me, and it never would have worked. Think I knew that all along. Just needed to take time for myself to see it.

Well that's great. I know it was hard. But, you handled it properly.

What is worth it is often hard, lol, but well, worth it! Good for you and please keep posting here.. we need your kind of help, Blaze.

Well done. And see what the no contact period can bring when you work on YOURSELF. You find someone better.

It is essential that people concentrate in THEMSELVES in this period. It isn't a tactic to win your ex back. It is a time to work on YOU!

Glad your happy blazingsun. I was only thinking the other day that it had been a while since id seen you post. Don't be a stranger!

Way to go! Nice of you to share your experience with others who could learn from it.

Hehe, I learned some hard lessons from the other guy, but all in all they were worth it and I wouldn't change a thing.

Even makes me appreciate my new friend even more then I could have ever before.

All of you guys helped me to do the no contact period thing too, reading your words of support and all. I have you all to thank :)

Don't worry, I won't be a stranger :)

hehe, i learned some hard lessons from the other guy, but all in all they were worth it and i wouldnt change a thing.

Even makes me appreciate my new friend even more then i could have ever before.

all of you guys helped me to do the no contact period thing too, reading your words of support and all. i have u all to thank :)

dont worry, i wont be a stranger :)

This is the point we take with us in each relationship, good or bad, we learn more and grow better.

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU, and confident that you will stick to what you want in life, and not what others expect you to want.

You'll never be a stranger, you're part of this AHMD family, and we don't 'divorce' ourselves from each other - no matter what, you're part of it.

Keep us posted, and keep us your good advice too.

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As many sad stories as we read on this forum to actually have someone be helped is very gratifying. Your experience will go a long way in helping someone else.

Excellent, I am happy that everything worked out. The advice that was given worked and you are now in a lot better situation because of it.

Good for you.

Joe