ÂmePerdut
Oct 13, 2008, 04:31 PM
Not so much a question per say but more of a story... A story I write for both my sake and hopefully it may help other people. I hope that through my writing I bring myself some perspective and optimism. As well I write to make sure what I am experiencing is sane/normal and not figments of my at times upset self. Any advice or comments are more than welcome :)
Now let me start my story at the time I was 22! It was just after my Grandmother had been diagnosed with a degenerative illness. Creutzfelt-Jakob's disease, it is a rare illness with less than 0.01% of the population being diagnosed in a year. The disease consists of the individual quickly losing their minds having permanent dementia. Watching my grandmother lose her personality and finally end up being violent was not exactly the type of experience I would wish upon anyone. I am still coming to grasp with the whole experience as it still breaks my heart two years later. Being a pall bearer for my Grandmother was definitely the single hardest experience in my life :\
Now my Grandmother was truly a matriarch in the family. She kept the family together and ensured everyone would come back home for Christmas and Easter etc... When she passed away the will to get together as a family seemed to have evaporated. I was quite lost at the time and it really felt during that time my childhood had died along with my Grandmother.
During this time I ended up getting quite close to a girl who had been my friend for the better part of half a year. Needless to say things happened and roughly a month or so after the passing away of my Grandmother I was in my first serious relationship. The relationship was an interesting and enjoyable experience for the better part of the last two years. Sadly it was not meant to last. The first sign of trouble was the oh so dreaded temporary break. I respected her wishes and gave her plenty of space. She ended up coming back and we got back together for about a month. Following this she again expressed doubts about if she could see herself marrying me. We hadn't ever really brought up the topic to tell the truth and this was the first time it was discussed. At this point I told her that if she was having these doubts now we were most likely not meant for each other.
At this point she asked if she could have another break. I wasn't willing at that point in time since I was getting tired of the emotional roller coaster she was imposing. I knew in my heart that I needed to be with someone who would not be having these doubts and would not be putting me through this type of event every couple months. It was not healthy for me or for her. Following this we broke up. I politely told her I didn't want to hear from her or be contacted, not as a punishment for her(Somehow I ended up being the only person she would open up too and talk about her feelings... ) but more as a way for me to stay sane and get over her. I still care deeply for her and do not bear her any ill will. Which is why I could not see her or speak to her. I have been successful for the last six weeks. Sadly my dreams and thoughts are still haunted by her presence. With time as everyone here assures me I am sure that will pass.
In the mean time the last six weeks have been pretty rough. Not only have I had to deal with the up and downs of the break up I have also been hit with the news that my aunt has inoperable brain cancer while my uncle has terminal lung cancer. I haven't been the happiest of campers of late and it has been affecting my work and interactions with people. I go through high moods and low moods.
Now my real question is somewhat more of a result of the sum of my experiences. I had become quite close to a lot of her friends and now with the split of course people take sides and well I wouldn't want to tread in her territory to begin with but this has left me somewhat lonely on weekends. Most of my own personal friends their interest have diverged from mine and we still see each other but they spend most of their time playing World of Warcraft :eek: I have debated taking up a part time job on weekends since I find I feel the worse when I am alone during weekends. I keep myself quite busy weekdays with going to the gym, rock climbing, badminton and co-ed volleyball.
Additionally my last couple of relationships I sort of stumbled into them quite by accident I didn't really get out there and date per say. They just happened... I am wondering now if as I get older and I have less chances to meet women that I should not be approaching women I see and asking them out. Now that I am out of University it is not exactly obvious to meet women. I work for a large engineering firm and the ratio of women to men is optimistically ten to one. Obviously I am not quite ready at this point in time seeing as I still have all those doubts about weather or not ill ever meet someone I mesh as well with or someone as pretty as my last relationship. :\ Not to mention she is still stuck in my thoughts and it would not be fair to half jump into another relationship. I just want to make sure my fear of meeting people does not limit me from moving on. I fear that I will take too long to get out there and end up mopping around not because I am still attached but because of fear of rejection.
In short I guess I want to know if taking a part time job would be a bad idea. As well what type of part time job would be conducive to making me more comfortable dealing with strangers. I always feel a little awkward when talking to strangers. :p Additionally what is the opinion of the majority should I actively seek out and just talk at random to women I meet to see if there is a possibility of compatibility?
PS: Sorry if I wrote a novel or if I had strange sentence structure, English is not my mother tongue. It is my tendency to take two lines to write what could be said in one ;)
Now let me start my story at the time I was 22! It was just after my Grandmother had been diagnosed with a degenerative illness. Creutzfelt-Jakob's disease, it is a rare illness with less than 0.01% of the population being diagnosed in a year. The disease consists of the individual quickly losing their minds having permanent dementia. Watching my grandmother lose her personality and finally end up being violent was not exactly the type of experience I would wish upon anyone. I am still coming to grasp with the whole experience as it still breaks my heart two years later. Being a pall bearer for my Grandmother was definitely the single hardest experience in my life :\
Now my Grandmother was truly a matriarch in the family. She kept the family together and ensured everyone would come back home for Christmas and Easter etc... When she passed away the will to get together as a family seemed to have evaporated. I was quite lost at the time and it really felt during that time my childhood had died along with my Grandmother.
During this time I ended up getting quite close to a girl who had been my friend for the better part of half a year. Needless to say things happened and roughly a month or so after the passing away of my Grandmother I was in my first serious relationship. The relationship was an interesting and enjoyable experience for the better part of the last two years. Sadly it was not meant to last. The first sign of trouble was the oh so dreaded temporary break. I respected her wishes and gave her plenty of space. She ended up coming back and we got back together for about a month. Following this she again expressed doubts about if she could see herself marrying me. We hadn't ever really brought up the topic to tell the truth and this was the first time it was discussed. At this point I told her that if she was having these doubts now we were most likely not meant for each other.
At this point she asked if she could have another break. I wasn't willing at that point in time since I was getting tired of the emotional roller coaster she was imposing. I knew in my heart that I needed to be with someone who would not be having these doubts and would not be putting me through this type of event every couple months. It was not healthy for me or for her. Following this we broke up. I politely told her I didn't want to hear from her or be contacted, not as a punishment for her(Somehow I ended up being the only person she would open up too and talk about her feelings... ) but more as a way for me to stay sane and get over her. I still care deeply for her and do not bear her any ill will. Which is why I could not see her or speak to her. I have been successful for the last six weeks. Sadly my dreams and thoughts are still haunted by her presence. With time as everyone here assures me I am sure that will pass.
In the mean time the last six weeks have been pretty rough. Not only have I had to deal with the up and downs of the break up I have also been hit with the news that my aunt has inoperable brain cancer while my uncle has terminal lung cancer. I haven't been the happiest of campers of late and it has been affecting my work and interactions with people. I go through high moods and low moods.
Now my real question is somewhat more of a result of the sum of my experiences. I had become quite close to a lot of her friends and now with the split of course people take sides and well I wouldn't want to tread in her territory to begin with but this has left me somewhat lonely on weekends. Most of my own personal friends their interest have diverged from mine and we still see each other but they spend most of their time playing World of Warcraft :eek: I have debated taking up a part time job on weekends since I find I feel the worse when I am alone during weekends. I keep myself quite busy weekdays with going to the gym, rock climbing, badminton and co-ed volleyball.
Additionally my last couple of relationships I sort of stumbled into them quite by accident I didn't really get out there and date per say. They just happened... I am wondering now if as I get older and I have less chances to meet women that I should not be approaching women I see and asking them out. Now that I am out of University it is not exactly obvious to meet women. I work for a large engineering firm and the ratio of women to men is optimistically ten to one. Obviously I am not quite ready at this point in time seeing as I still have all those doubts about weather or not ill ever meet someone I mesh as well with or someone as pretty as my last relationship. :\ Not to mention she is still stuck in my thoughts and it would not be fair to half jump into another relationship. I just want to make sure my fear of meeting people does not limit me from moving on. I fear that I will take too long to get out there and end up mopping around not because I am still attached but because of fear of rejection.
In short I guess I want to know if taking a part time job would be a bad idea. As well what type of part time job would be conducive to making me more comfortable dealing with strangers. I always feel a little awkward when talking to strangers. :p Additionally what is the opinion of the majority should I actively seek out and just talk at random to women I meet to see if there is a possibility of compatibility?
PS: Sorry if I wrote a novel or if I had strange sentence structure, English is not my mother tongue. It is my tendency to take two lines to write what could be said in one ;)