My cousin just left her husband this past weekend. They have a 2 year old son together. She left him because she found out that he has been on drugs and has been stealing her money. He has hit her previously as well. She has taken her son out of the environment and is now staying with her mother. She pulled him out of the daycare that he was in today and has enrolled him in my daughter's daycare. She is afraid that he will be able to go up to the daycare and get him since there is no custody order right now. He just got out of jail about a month ago and has been on drugs since then, so she is concerned for her son's well-being. She is afraid that he will go take her son and leave the state. My question is can the father just go up to the daycare and get their son if she tells the daycare not to give the him to his father? I told her to go to the police department and see what she needed to do to get a restraining order on him. That will protect them and I know that she can get one because he has threatened to kill her and there are many police reports of him beating her up and tearing her stuff up. She is really worried about her son. Is there any advice that anyone can give me to relay it to her to help her? Does anyone know where she will need to go to get a restraining order in Alabama? Does she go to the police dept to get the paperwork filed? Any advice would be great.

My cousin just left her husband this past weekend. They have a 2 year old son together. She left him because she found out that he has been on drugs and has been stealing her money. He has hit her previously as well. She has taken her son out of the environment and is now staying with her mother. She pulled him out of the daycare that he was in today and has enrolled him in my daughter's daycare. She is afraid that he will be able to go up to the daycare and get him since there is no custody order right now. He just got out of jail about a month ago and has been on drugs since then, so she is concerned for her son's well-being. She is afraid that he will go take her son and leave the state. My question is can the father just go up to the daycare and get their son if she tells the daycare not to give the him to his father? I told her to go to the police department and see what she needed to do to get a restraining order on him. That will protect them and I know that she can get one because he has threatened to kill her and there are many police reports of him beating her up and tearing her stuff up. She is really worried about her son. Is there any advice that anyone can give me to relay it to her to help her? Does anyone know where she will need to go to get a restraining order in Alabama? Does she go to the police dept to get the paperwork filed? Any advice would be great.


She needs to go IMMEDIATELY to the Court in her area that handles family court matters - explain the situation, asked for an emergency custody hearing. I trust she can prove what you have said because it's going to be her word against his word.

If the threats are recent she can report them to the Police but the Police don't hand out restraining orders, the Courts do.

She certainly can advise the daycare center that she does not want him to pick the child up but I doubt they'll get into the middle of this without legal paperwork.

Yes, start with the police on getting the RO. But if there is no history of police activity against him, it may not be granted.

Yes, she can tell the daycare that the child should be released only to certain people. She would not need to show a Custody order. And he would need to get the police if they refused to release him and it doesn't seem likely he would do that.

But she should file for divorce and custody immediately.

Okay, so she can just show up to the family court house? Who will she need to speak with?She can't prove that he is on drugs unless he is given a drug test, but she has police records of abuse and theft and everything that he has done in the past 2 years. He just got out of jail a few months ago and is on probation. Oh you, I should tell her to call his PO. That will help buy her some time because legally they can pop a drug test on him and I know that he is on drugs. Thanks!

Okay, so she can just show up to the family court house? Who will she need to speak with?She can't prove that he is on drugs unless he is given a drug test, but she has police records of abuse and theft and everything that he has done in the past 2 years. He just got out of jail a few months ago and is on probation. Oh ya, I should tell her to call his PO. That will help buy her some time because legally they can pop a drug test on him and I know that he is on drugs. Thanks!


Yes, I would go to the Courthouse, ask to speak - usually - to the Clerk of the Court (it varies by area) and explain what has happened. Any proof she has will be "good proof." Being a bad person doesn't make him a bad father (I'm quoting my friend Altenweg here) but the Police Report, violence, drug testing will go a long way.

I think she's got to make her move fast, before he makes his move, and she's defending an action.

And, of course, she's got to keep her son safe.

Yes, I would go to the Courthouse, ask to speak - usually - to the Clerk of the Court (it varies by area) and explain what has happened. Any proof she has will be "good proof." Being a bad person doesn't make him a bad father (I'm quoting my friend Altenweg here) but the Police Report, violence, drug testing will go a long way.

I think she's got to make her move fast, before he makes his move, and she's defending an action.

And, of course, she's got to keep her son safe.

He has smoked marijuana around his son and always drives erratically with his son in the car. I have been a witness to that. I have walked into his house one day and the smell hit me and then I saw it on the table and his son was walking around in the living room. I took him outside and we went over to our Uncle's house because I didn't want my daughter or his son to be around that stuff. I have also seen him drive crazy with his son in the car and called his wife to tell her so she would be aware that he was going like 80 mph in like a 40mph zone with the kid in the car. He is on drugs now and there is no telling what he will do. He has been calling his wife and threatening her that he is going to take their son. Thanks for all of your help. My main concern is the kid. He doesn't need to be going through all of his parents arguing. When the mother asked him what he wanted to do, the kid said, "I don't want to go back to Daddy's." And he is only like 2 1/2 years old. So, I don't know if that makes a difference or not.

Ok, first it is likely he will get visits, they may be supervised but it is almost impossible to stop any visits, ** esp if the danger is him smoking pot and his driving

Also the protective order has to include the child, not just the parent, or they can still get their child.

He is now smoking crack and taking pills. There is proof of it. I know about the custody thing, I have prevented my daughter's father from seeing my daughter, so I know that it is possible. And my cousin is just as bad as my daughter's father. He is stealing money from everyone, has mood swings, and puts his child in danger all the time. He is smoking crack and taking pillls. He is on probation as well. His wife is going to just call his PO to have them drug test him. And I know that he will get visitations, but they will be supervised. He has been to jail at least 15 times in the past two years for drugs, fighting, stealing and breaking and entering. He is an abuser and he should not be around his child.

My cousin just left her husband this past weekend. They have a 2 year old son together. She left him because she found out that he has been on drugs. Any advice would be great.Hello ANB:

I'm not sure that I would be accusing HIM of drug abuse... It's MY experience that people just don't start using drugs out of the blue. If her husband is using drugs now, he was probably using them when he was with her. In fact, SHE probably did drugs with him.

If that's the case, and she starts calling the kettle black, she'll weaken her case. Besides, the physical violence is a much better indicator of his parenting skills.

I've smoked marijuana for 40 years, and raised three healthy, happy and very successful sons.

excon

He is not just using marijuana. I have nothing against people who smoke pot. I think they should leagalize it, but that is another subject. He has been known for drug abuse before. He has previous drug charge convictions for cocaine and oxycotten (spelling? ) She knows that he has been using, that is why he started beating her up again. She just found out about it this weekend. I am sure that she knew because I kept telling her, I know the signs of drug abuse, as I stated before my daughter's father is a meth head. She just found the proof this past weekend. I know that he has a drug problem because he even admitts it. He has been in and out of jail for drugs and violence for the past two years since I have known him. So, I can accuse him of that. He has broken into my house before and stolen money from me to go buy drugs. Pot is totally different than the other man made drugs. I was just saying that he smokes pot around his kid and that the kid is starting to know what it is. That is why I threw that example in. Did you smoke pot around all of your kids?

My cousin is at the court house right now getting a protective order against her husband and she is having his warrents served for beating her up. She should have a strong case and should get the order granted. Thanks to all of you for your advice.

My cousin is at the court house right now getting a protective order against her husband and she is having his warrents served for beating her up. She should have a strong case and should get the order granted. Thanks to all of you for your advice.


Excellent! Please - let us know how it works out. (And good for her and she's lucky to have you in her family.)

I understand where you are coming from, but I tend to agree with excon. You have enough with his jail record and the violence, that you really don't need to bring in his drug use.

Well that is the main reason that he needs to stay away from him. When he is not on drugs he doesn't do the other things. He is the sweetest man ever, I have seen him. He treats his wife like a queen and is a great dad. But, when he starts using drugs he turns into a totally different person. He has a drug problem and shouldn't be allowed around his son until he can get help for it. It is not fair for his son to have to go through all of this. When his dad wants to be a dad and then when he wants to go and do drugs. When a person says that they would rather have pills than their son, there is a problem there. I am sorry if you disagree, but that is why I don't allow my daughter's father to see her. Same situation. When he is not on drugs he wants to be a dad and then when he starts again he doesn't care about anything but the drug. That is not fair to the child to have their parent that "loves" them to go in and out of their life whenever it is convient for them. That is why my daughter's father is the way he is. His father and mother were in and out of his life on and off drugs and look how he turned out. It would be different if it were just pot. I would stay out of it, but it isn't just pot. That is why I am stepping in. I love their son very much. He is my daughter's best friend!

Did you smoke pot around all of your kids?Hello again, A:

Of course. I was NEVER ashamed of my lifestyle. I did NOT turn them on, however, if that was your next question? And, I didn't let them taste my wine, either. Drug use is an ADULT activity.

Your cousin can bring up anything she wants. However, if she used drugs, OR even if she let HIM use drugs around her child, that is going to look WORSE for her than it is for him. I'm just trying to bolster your case - not weaken it. But, you do what you wish.

excon

Well, she hasn't been using drugs. He has been, behind her back. She didn't know for a fact that he was on drugs. When she found out she left him. That is what happened over the weekend. She was not allowing her son to be around it. She suspected, but didn't want to accuse him of it unless she had proof. And again pot and crack are two totally different drugs. And you are lucky that you didn't turn your kids onto pot. If I were to ever know that my mom smoked pot and it was okay for her to do it, I would have thought that it would be okay for me to do it as a teenager and then I probably would have been in jail because I was stupid about getting it. So, you are lucky for that. But, that again is another subject.

Don't forget to have a pubic hair analysis for the drug test - very important.

What? Doesn't have to be pubic hair, can be any hair on the body. As a matter of fact, the hair of the head is longer and is usually what is used in follicle drug testing.

Well, my experience was they wrote that the dad couldn't use illegal drugs or alcohol 12 hours prior to visitation - which I found it crazy they would write illegal drug use into the custody order as if it was perfectly okay.

Don't forget to have a pubic hair analysis for the drug test - very important.

Some states don't require supervised visits because some parents can't afford it and agin - if it's like me - his family could supervise - ha.

These things sometimes work themselves out in court as my case did.

Go with what the others said about the restraining order, emergency temp. orders, etc. Call the domestic violence hotline to speed this up and offer her some emotional support.


Why pubic hair testing? Isn't all hair testing the same? You can shave your pubic area but very few people shave their heads. In all the years I've worked in the system, I've never heard of pubic hair testing. Where is this done and I wonder why - ?

I wouldn't worry about being able to afford supervised visitation - in my area the County provides licensed social workers who supervise visitations when there are financial issues. They don't leave it up to the family of the "abuser" nor do they put the child at risk because of financial issues.

May be different in other areas. NY State is apparently more progressive - they don't have a 12-hour before visitation rule. They don't want the parent doing drugs EVER. And that's why they do testing, including random testing, when supervised visitation is ordered.

Don't forget to have a pubic hair analysis for the drug test - very important.

You just recently went through an issue where you posted infor where you clearly had not checked your facts. Yet you come back and do it again. As J_9 and Judy reported, pubic hair is not the best choice for drug testing. But even if it was. Getting someone's pubic hair may involve some unsavory maneauvering. There is also a legal question about whether any bodily sample obtained would be admissible evidence. If a drug test is warranted the court will order it done professionally. It shouldn't be up to a civilian to obtain test samples.


Some states don't require supervised visits because some parents can't afford it and agin - if it's like me - his family could supervise - ha.

This one I find curious, since you made a big point in the other thread about finding low or no cost help for getting child support. Yet you ignore the fact that, when a court orders supervised visitation then often order it provided by social services at no cost.

Well, my cousin got the temporary protection order granted yesterday and they go to court in the beginning of November. She also went to the police department and got all of the reports from when the police have gone out to her house for domestic violence. She is also working on filing for divorce and getting his criminal records. I am not sure if she is going to bring up the drug issue, but it is in his police reports. He has failed two drug tests with cocaine while he was on probation. So, it is there and his PO is going to be calling him in sometime this week to drug test him again. Thanks for everyone's help. Have a good week.

Well, my cousin got the temporary protection order granted yesterday and they go to court in the beginning of November. She also went to the police department and got all of the reports from when the police have gone out to her house for domestic violence. She is also working on filing for divorce and getting his criminal records. I am not sure if she is going to bring up the drug issue, but it is in his police reports. He has failed two drug tests with cocaine while he was on probation. So, it is there and his PO is going to be calling him in sometime this week to drug test him again. Thanks for everyone's help. Have a good week.



You have no idea how many post, get advice, do nothing, post again 6 months later. It is SO gratifying to find out that someone actually immediately went out and got something done!

Wonderful. Let us know how it works out.

Oh, and about the pubic hair test. I have never heard of that either, that is just weird. And about supervised visitations, she should get them granted. The only person in his family who would be able to supervise the visitation is his grandmother and she is controlled by him. She does whatever he tells her to do. She even helped him run from the law last time he got in trouble and the only reason that she cooperated was because they told her she would go to jail. But, I wouldn't put it past her to take her grandson and the kid and take off and move to antoher state. So, that wouldn't be a possibility.

[QUOTE=Comments on this post
ANB428 agrees: I am very proud of her.She has left him like 5 times before and has gone back. But hopefully this will be the last time. When I left my abuser I left and never looked back and I hope that she can do the same. I will be there to help her the whole way.[/QUOTE]



There is another thread going on, being posted by a daughter whose mother is abused, the mother keeps going back and the daughter doesn't know what to do. I agree with you - without someone there, holding you up, supporting you, loving YOU, no matter what, it's very, very difficult to go.

about supervised visitations, she should get them granted. The only person in his family who would be able to supervise the visitation is his grandmother and she is controlled by him. She does whatever he tells her to do. She even helped him run from the law last time he got in trouble and the only reason that she cooperated was because they told her she would go to jail. But, i wouldn't put it past her to take her grandson and the kid and take off and move to antoher state. So, that wouldn't be a possibility.

If they apply for supervised visitation, ask the court to appoint a supervisor.

Whether you are correct about pubic hairs or not I'm not going to argue. But I will argue that collection of test material has to be done by someone assigned by the court. That person will decide how to collect a sample and what sample to collect. And that's why your answer about pubic hairs was not appropriate

Never underestimate the cunning of an abusive guy (or woman for that matter) The victims wait for the good behavior periods and after all the ups and downs they go through with these types of people, reality takes a back seat.

They look at these relationships and they see what it could be "if only" he would change.

If only he would love her.
If only he could get clean.
If only he could...

Women will come and go many, many times in these types of relationships. They base their esteem and personal approval on this guy... it's so deeply imbedded that it's difficult for them to understand what normal can be like. (never mind that "normal" is different for everyone.)

I would suggest that you have your friend write out a journal of all the things that he put her through. ALL OF THEM... so when she weakens and starts to feel lonely or he turns on the charm or starts showing back up... using what he knows about her to get back in... she can go back and read what she wrote...

See... they think, maybe this time he can change... maybe "this time"... they have no clear boundaries and usually they are afraid to make a change. Depending on how violent this person is.

It's not an easy thing to comprehend why they stay... I wish your friend LOADS of luck remaining out of her relationship and would strongly suggest that she get counselling. Because part of the problem "IS" her...

You understand? I hope so... she needs help as well to learn to define herself and her life. What is acceptable behavior to her, how she wishes to be treated, what her tolerations are going to be "otherwise" she could very well repeat the pattern of another guy like this.

Sincerely.

Supervised visitation is often a county by county issue. In the county in which I live, they had to charge the parent $25 for supervised visitation and quit doing it because not all parents could afford it.

{unnecessary attacks deleted-<>}

As far as any hair being tested - anyone can shave their hair anywhere on the body and many men with balding spots do shave their head regularly or people keep their hair cut short enough that the hair is only 6 to 8 months old on the end tips.

Pubic hair has long been considered better for drug testing because they stay attached for around 2 years on average providing a better test for the majority of the population. If they save it - they shave it - but the same is true for the hair on their head.

This is my experience with the Texas courts and my friends in law enforcement at the FBI nationally and within Texas as well as child protective services in Texas.


What is your source for pubic hair lomg being considered better for drug testing, other than the statements of your friends?

I worked for the Feds and I never heard of the FBI doing any type of hair follicle testing - but perhaps that's different in different types of the country.

Tracy has seemed to take over the entire post again with his/her ranting. Again, this is another closed post.