She has issues in terms of her sex drive (never orgasmed), it "usually hurts and "doesn't feel so good".

So sex is usually about me getting off... its usually just kind of get it done. Its gotten to a point where I have to ask permission, or let her now in advance. I mean I can't just be spontaneous in bed or in the morning, I have to let her know.

She won't let me try to please her or do anything...

Its frustrating cause I do love her and we are planning on having getting married and having kids.
We have talked about it plenty of times and I try to be understanding. I try not to pressure her into having sex, as she always feels pressured.

Anyway I'm just not sure what to do...

The first several times I had sex, it didn't feel good either, and sometimes it hurt. I would handle as much as I could, he would let me go into my favorite position when we were going to finish. I always said that I felt bad for having to ruin it all so early, but he said not too, because it's not my fault that it hurts or is uncomfortable. The thing is, the more we have sex in a short amount of time (like everyday or twice a day for three-five days) the more uncomfortable it gets. Maybe your girlfriend has the same thing. It was only a couple days ago, that we had sex, and I thoroughly, thoroughly enjoyed it without any pain or discomfort, for the first time. If I have sex when it hurts like heck, it's not for me, it's for my fiancé, and I'm fine with that if he's happy.

Tell her how you feel, don't pressure her into having sex. Show her that you love her in other ways- flirt with each other, and try to get her in the mood, then ask if she would be OK with having sex. If she says no, tell her that if it gets uncomfortable or hurts, you both can stop. When you're in control, go easy on her, and when it's her turn, let her go at her own pace, and do whatever is comfortable for her. It will make sex more enjoyable for the two of you, and soon enough she will be OK with you being spontaneous. Don't stress if it starts to hurt her and you need to stop, there will be plenty of other tries.

Thanks for the response...

That's the thing she doesn't even like to have it. Its one of those things where I don't even ask or try... until she is ready and that means, k here you go, hurry.

Ive tried to kiss and caress and get her in the "mood" but she doesn't even want me touching her. She doesn't like foreplay. I can't go for long as she "dries."

If we are lying in bed and I start to touch her or even get close to her "no." EVERY TIME. So I just wait until I'm given sex, then by that time I just done want it cause its not just about getting rocks off. And even when it is its sucks cause it is getting rocks off. SO now its about a 4days... I start to get cranky and when she sense that, she gives me sex cause she I'm cranky.. I just don't even want to it anymore. Not like this.

Hmmm... It can't be pain or discomfort while having sex that makes her not want to do it if she won't even kiss you or touch you. How long have you two been together?

Well three years.. I love her dearly but I'm really frustrated.

We talked a lot about this and she does have issues. Like its really sensitive down there which I do understand. I know she has issues and I'm trying very hard. But it just feels like the harder I try the less she tries. Its like I loose it and get pissed then we fight and I explain okay this is what bothers me and its fine for 2weeks and it goes back to being same ol. Funny thing is when we were first dating it was not an issue... and when I asked her that her response was that it was the only way she could get close to me.

We've been together for a while and have planned kids marriage and all, we live together and its great. Her family is great so there really not issues there.

This has always kind of been an issue... so I'm just not sure what else to do. Im trying to compromise. And let her do things her way... but its not working

k,

This girl is not going to come around regarding sex. Do you two want to have a sexless marriage? Will she let you have a mistress on the side?

Haha...

That's funny. I will ask.

Yeah its so weird. I feel like there is something wrong with me for wanting sex. Like I fieel guilty.

There's nothing wrong with you. Most people want sex, and are extremely physical. Your girl is definitely not one of them. If you want to have a relationship it will most likely be without sex, you will have to communicate with her, other than on a physical level. She has a different way of showing her love, so you will have to "speak" your love to her differently, in a way she might understand. If you want a lot of physical contact or sex, you're not in the right relationship.

k, I think quite a few people have sexless marriages, or nearly sexless after the second year.

You might as well get everything out up front so that you don't have to give up your sexuality or sneak around. :)

It sounds to me, personally, like she has some sort of trauma or guilt problem with sex.

I would suggest a therapist for her.

It's NOT going to change without help. While it's one thing that sex isn't the driving force of a relationship, it's also important that there IS a sexual side to a marriage-type relationship.

Look, if she doesn't like how it feels, then what DOES she like? Does she masturbate so that she knows? Or is that another "icky" subject for her? I understand the pressure thing--that when you're all touchy-feely, she feels like you ONLY do it to get to sex, not because it feels good to touch and feel. I get your thing--I mean, if she lets you touch and feel and kiss, then MAYBE it might mean you can get more, so you try for it, reinforcing the idea to HER that you only want sex.

Women don't respond to sex the way guys do. Most of us can't simply turn on a "sex" switch and be in the mood, even with touching and foreplay. Kids, housework, a stressful job, bills--all it really takes is ONE major distraction and the mood just isn't there.

I really suggest that you two get some couples counseling about this BEFORE you get married, or you will end up divorced and frustrated with each other. Right now, you're just not communicating on the same level about sex, which makes me wonder whether you're communicating on the same level about OTHER important issues.

Thanks for the response... everyone.

I understand what you are saying. We have talked about it sooo many times.
Honestly even when I don't put "pressure" on her to have sex its still lingers. Like for the past couple of weeks I haven't tried a single thing. None. But there is still pressure because it turns into "well i guess he wants sex, because its been a couple days."

Yea she has issues with it her whole life and I have done everything I can do comply with her issues in the hopes that we can move on, but I don't think she wants to move on.

She has never orgamsed and she doesn't want to and or is not interested. So sex will never be about us.
Everything is icky to her, she doesn't want to talk about it, or let me try anything, or let me touch her or this or that.
So its like I want to enter this room with someone that doesn't even want me in there but only lets me in once in a while when they have to.

Anyway my approach is just not to want it. Because it seems the more I want it the more pressure there is.
There is absolutley no reaction to me whatso ever.

And that's the thing, she doesn't like foreplay, doesn't like to touch herself, it's a non issue to her. We don't have kids. I try to be romantic, you know, cook a nice dinner, clean and so on so she has no stress and we can have a romantic evening... nada. Nothing turns her on. Does not matter what I do.

Just don't know what else to do.

So it'll be a fight tonight when I refuse and say I'm not interested...

Kochi, I agree with Synnen that there might have been something that happened in the past such as molestation or date rape that could have turned her off to sex. Try to convince her to get professional counseling. If she is not willing, then you need to make a decision if you really do want to live in a "hands off, no passion" relationship.
I did for 16 years and tried everything humanly possible to help my wife but it was all in vain. Living in a relationship like this takes an emotional toll on you. I started blaming myself, lost my self-esteem and self-confidence. That led to depression and ultimately affected my career. The best thing I ever did was to finally file for divorce. I later met my current wife and discovered what I had missed for all those years.
If she doesn't think she's the problem then it is very unlikely she will ever seek help. Don't make the same mistake I did and waste your life. It's not worth it.

I hear you... its tough.

I really love her so my idea is try to find a solution that she is happy and I am happy.

I mean I do empathize with her and what she is dealing with..

Instead of having a marriage based on strife and "her problem", just agree to a basically sexless marriage from the beginning. Each knows the rules and conflict is at a minimum. That is huge in a marriage if you want happiness.

She has no desire to change... she is too far gone to make her your "pet project".

As I said before, just make sure she doesn't object if you go elsewhere for sexual satisfaction.

Good Luck! :)

I think that's the point as far as she is concerned. There is nothing to "change." She sees it as a problem that is not solvable so why mess with it.

The problem is when I refuse to have sex that's going to cause a big fight. Why are you refusing sex you always want sex thing.

Apparently with all her x's she's had sex issues as well and they have all left because of it.

I will be clear that I will not leave for that reason, she can if she wants to, its her problem if she cannot handle the situation. My stance is clear that I love her and want to be with her and have a life together.

That's what she said too one time, no lets have sex then cause I don't want you to go somewhere else then.

I will be clear that I will not leave for that reason, she can if she wants to, its her problem if she cannot handle the situation. My stance is clear that I love her and want to be with her and have a life together.
And why WON'T you leave for that reason? It's a perfectly good reason. A "life together" in a marriage that's sexless from the start is a recipe for frustration, loneliness, and anger. Listen to MrEasy:

If she doesn't think she's the problem then it is very unlikely she will ever seek help. Don't make the same mistake I did and waste your life. It's not worth it.

Kochi, you said several things in your posts that I want you to stop and think about what you've said:

thats the thing she doesn’t even like to have it. Its one of those things where I dont even ask or try.... until she is ready and that means, ok here you go, hurry up.

Ive tried to kiss and caress and get her in the "mood" but she doesn't even want me touching her. She doesnt like foreplay.

If we are lying in bed and i start to touch her or even get close to her "no." EVERY TIME. So I just wait until I’m given sex,

She has issues and I’m trying very hard. but it just feels like the harder i try the less she tries. ….Funny thing is when we were first dating it was not an issue.... and when i asked her that her response was that it was the only way she could get close to me.

I’m trying to compromise. and let her do things her way

I feel like there is something wrong with me for wanting sex. Like I feel guilty.

She has never orgamsed and she doesn’t want to …. Everything is icky to her, she doesn’t want to talk about it, or let me try anything, or let me touch her or this or that.
So its like i want to enter this room with someone that doesnt even want me in there but only lets me in once in a while when they have to

I try to be romantic, you know, cook a nice dinner, clean and so on so she has no stress and we can have a romantic evening.... nada. nothing turns her on. Does not matter what I do.

Kochi, do you see a pattern here. She has taken over total control of not only your almost non-existent sex life but your whole life. Do you really want to be a submissive slave to a control freak. She even admitted she gave you sex in the beginning to get you. Now that you fell into her trap, everything is about HER and she could care less about what YOU want. Why do think she gets mad when you turn her down for the obligatory sex she offers you? It's because you made a decision and took control away from her.
I don't know if you know what a dominatrix is or not but below is the definition. See if you recognize each other in this definition. I guess there are some guys who enjoy being a submissive slave. Of course the majority do not. You think maybe that's why her x's left?


Women who engage in female domination recreationally are known as dommes, dominatrices, mistresses, or simply dominants. A high percentage of dominants are lifestyle dominants, but some simply play the dominatrix role because it is a high-paying profession. It is common for professional dominatrices who are also lifestyle dommes to have both paying clients and a "personal slave or sub" or slaves or subs, who are not paying clients. A personal slave will typically perform a domme's housework and run errands for her. A personal slave may or may not live with his or her Domme. Professional dominants most frequently do not engage in sexual contact with their paying customers, as this can be construed as prostitution in some places. Outside of their life as a pro-Domme, they may or may not engage in sexual behavior with a devoted slave or sub. A common form of domination involves chastity where a dominant controls her slaves' sexual access, sometimes keeping them locked in a chastity device except for rare occasions.

I really think you have gotten some really poor responses to your question. There is something in her past or something physical with her body. I tend to think the former. If she had some sort of trauma in her past that is associated with her sexuality that could cause all sorts of problems. She needs some counselling to understand what the problems are. Preferably before marriage. Also she needs to see a good doctor to be sure that there is not any physical problems preventing her from enjoying the sexual experience.

I really appreciate all your time and effort with this.

Here is my idea.
Sex is basically the only issue we have to be honest, as big as it is and as much as its effecting us in other ways. And I have tried different things to see if they have an impact. Thinking that maybe she's not in the mood because she is stressed about work, or the house , etc.

And the thing is yes, her x's have left because of sex, but I am not going to. I hope you can understand that. Its just a decision I have made, right or wrong.

For this reason. She can leave. IF she decides that she can not make it work, that's fine.


whatever I do or not, its still going to be about sex which is going to bring about tension. I think I am just trying to hard you know, making it my problem when it is not. I have tried to do what I can to make it work. So I am just not going to try anything. Minimal effort. Passive aggressive. I am not going to discuss anything, we are not going to talk about anything. Its about what you do, not say.

We can not keep doing what we are doing because its obviously not going to work. So the idea is that I am going to remove sex (for a while) from the equation. So I will refuse to have sex which will obviously create issues, because "why don't you want sex." If I do explain the reasons then its going to be the same ol story as before. Im not going to make her do anything because she has to see that there is a problem. So I am just not going to try, not discussing it, not being angry or upset. Its dropped.

She has to figure out how to deal with this issue. If she needs my help I am here to do whatever I can. Counseling anything she needs me to do. If nothing that's fine to. IF she doesn't want to deal with it fine. As far as sex is concerned, I am not doing what we have been doing because its not helping.

Well she went to see a doctor and apparently she is super sensitive and it make it hurt to the touch.
2) In her past sex has always been and issue with all her boyfriends so she has a problem with it.
3) she has problems with her body etc. She is not even able to sit in bed naked for 3mins.
4) every time we are about to have sex you can just see the stress on her.

That is so sad. A person with inibitions about their body are in real trouble without help. The best thing you could do for her is to try and convince her to go see a good counsellor. Then she should ask her gynocologist about medications to reduce the sensitivity. And it might ultimately take a sex theropest to help her through these issues.

If you ask me something happened when she was younger in order to A) affect her self esteem in such a manner, B) create such sensitive sensations down there.

You can always take the first step in kind of nudging her into being open with you. But you can't be incredibly direct about it. If you were to ask my opinion, something on a very physical, and violent manner happened to you're would be faince when she was younger that has completely totalled her brain around the idea of sex. Phantom pain, for example maybe the reason she's also so stressed, and sore whenever it comes down to the intercoarse, or any form of touching. Every so often, make references to how you two want to spend your whole life together, secrets are something a healthy marriage can't go with. I agree with 450 and synn in that she's hiding something traumatic. You yourself can talk to a counselor, or a therapist to see what it is you can do to kind of help her out in this situation, make you more better prepaired.

Yeah I know that for sure as we have talked about it. She doesn't feel anything, it hurts a lot etc.

I have been dealing with this for a while and I made it clear to her that I was not going to give in or anything. We had a talk/fight about it and I explained to her that she needed to understand that I was dealing with this too and that it effects me. I made it clear to her that we not her are dealing with this.. Doesn't mean I'm leaving etc.

I mean how does it feelt that every time you want to or are having sex with your girlfriend its you feel horrible. IF we are going to make it she has to be able to trust me and let her guard down.

Even talking about it is an issue but we are and that is my goal as well to talk about it with fighting or being afraid to end the relationship.

Its really really really hard sometimes.

Oh relationships... what would life be without them.

Kochi, I was molested as a child and raped as a teen, so I understand a bit of what other people are saying might be the problem in your girlfriends case.

It is very possible that she was molested or raped, have you asked her about this? It's also possible that there is a medical condition, she needs to see a specialist in order to make sure that there isn't anything physically wrong with her.

I myself went the opposite way she is going. I was extremely promiscuous because I no longer cared about myself. Better to give sex then to have it forced on you, that was the way I lived my life.

Along came my husband and all that changed. Not overnight, in fact, I tried everything in my power to push him away. I didn't feel that I deserved love and understanding, I couldn't accept that he wasn't only after one thing. He didn't budge, stood by my side, and eventually I realized that I did deserve to be happy. We've been together for 18 years.

Seems to me that your girlfriend is dealing with some issue from her past, that she isn't comfortable with anyone touching her. She needs professional help, help that you cannot give her no matter how patient and understanding you are.

I could be totally wrong, and if I am then you really need to realize that you are setting yourself up for a sexless marriage. If you can live with that then fine, but the fact that your wrote on this site leads me to believe that this isn't something you can live with, no matter how much you want to believe that you can.

Good luck.

I have been dealing with this for a while and I made it clear to her that I was not going to give in or anything.
What do you mean, "give in"? Does that mean break up with her, or does it mean resign yourself to a sexless, emotionally barren relationship?

We had a talk/fight about it and I explained to her that she needed to understand that I was dealing with this too and that it effects me. I made it clear to her that we not her are dealing with this.. No, "we" are not dealing with this, you are dealing with it, and she is hiding from it instead of dealing with it.


Doesn't mean I'm leaving etc.

I mean how does it feelt that every time you want to or are having sex with your girlfriend its you feel horrible. IF we are going to make it she has to be able to trust me and let her guard down.

Even talking about it is an issue but we are and that is my goal as well to talk about it with fighting or being afraid to end the relationship.

Its really really really hard sometimes.Don't be a hero, man. You can't force her to confront her demons by refusing to leave no matter how much hell she puts you through. You need to ask yourself what you are getting out of this, that keeps you banging your head against the brick wall she's got around herself. I seriously doubt that your approach will ever convince her to dismantle it.

YOu guys are totally right, when I mean not giving in, i.e. not giving up or running away like all her x's did. I made a decision that I wanted to be with her cause there are a lot of great things besides sex as well.

She realises that she can not be in a relationship and not have sex regardless of who she is with. I have been chipping away and she has made efforts. She recently told me that she had (after going to the gyno) Vulvodynia. It is really painful to the touch and that is why she "dreads" having sex or doing anything relating to sex like kissing etc.

She says she doesn't mind having sex 2-4times a week but obviously that is just going to irritate the issue over time. She was not molested or anything, she's just had a lot of female problems (connstant perioids) etc. SO there are issues, but it makes it tough when I don't understand what is going on and only hear it from the outside looking in.

I told her that I would like to go do the doc and see if we can get some help on how to deal with this whatever the professinals decide.

I hope that we can find a long term solution together. I am aware that it will be difficult and I will not have a normal sex but maybe we can find a solution.

I have a sexless relationship and I have been with my boyfriend for two years. I was abused when was younger so I am scared. I'm not saying your partner was abused but maybe there is a reson why that she is not telling you. I am only saying this because my partner don't know why I want have sex with him