I had my first boyfriend two and a half years ago. We were both 19 at the time, we are now 21. He is very good looking. Typical blonde haired, blue eyed surfer and I'm not so bad either haha. I was a virgin before I started dating him. Anyway, throughout our whole relationship, the guy took no interest in me sexually whatsoever. He isn't like normal guys, who get horny and start to kiss you and feel you up. He never did that. We only had sex when I asked him. He only got a hard on if I put my hand down his pants. He would often push my hand away and say or scream no. When we did have sex, it felt like I was raping him. It seemed like a chore to him. Sometimes, when I was perfuming oral sex or sexual intercourse with him, he'd have this look of complete disgust on his face. He didn't start ejaculating until we had been having sexual intercourse for 2 months, and that was only because I had a really heated emotional outburst over it.

I only saw him on Thursday and Saturday nights, and more often than not, I would end up crying as he didn't want to have sex.
He also more often than not asked to stop throughout sex and went soft. He didn't really have an erection problem though and has a larger than average penis. Sometimes he said he couldn't feel anything. The guy didn't even really kiss me passionately ever. Passionate kisses were really just reciprocated ones. He never made one sound during anything sexual. He used to perform oral sex on me, and once started dry retching when I made him (I have very good hygiene and was shaved completely). His excuse was he doesn't like gory things like insides of bodies.

He asked me once for sex. When I told him no, he looked so happy and said he respected me so much for it. The only time he showed sexual interest in me was the night his grandfather died. He ripped my pants off! He also looked happy and relieved when I had my periods, as if to say "yes, no sex!"

He has a lot of pictures of naked women on his walls and reckons he is obsessed with lesbians. I once found in his computer history someone had been looking at up to 30 lesbian sites a night. He said it was him but also his brother. This confuses me as he says he likes lesbians, but hates performing oral sex on women or masturbating me. Isn't that all lesbians do to each other?

He has a stack or pornography magazines that were given to him, but they just sit in the corner of his room and appear to be never touched. He didn't want to watch porn with me. I tried every trick in the book to make him aroused but nothing worked.

Keeping in mind he is the dumbest person I have ever met, he asked me on our first date if I wanted to "go see that new Heath Ledger cowboy movie". No matter how dumb you are, I am pretty sure the publicity surrounding it was about homosexuality not cowboys, but he may have missed the point.

On the night he dumped me (which was out of the blue in the middle of me crying about a mate who just died) 6 months later, the only movies on were Brokeback Mountain and Casanova. He said he wasn't too keen on Brokeback Mountain, but he'd see it. He didn't really care which one he saw. He'd see either for Heath Ledger. This is coming from a self confessed major homophobe. He sometimes mentioned how he hated gay guys so much.

He told me he dumped his ex because all she wanted was sex (he lost his virginity to her and she isn't attractive at all!)

I've asked him heaps why he was like that sexually with me. He usually doesn't answer. A few excuses have been I was always too tired from work, when I dumped my ex she said I used me for sex, you have to be hot for someone to be attracted to you-he said that once and took it back, and the latest is you were always available so I took it for granted. I knew it was there and I could get it whenever. The excuses have only really been said once each and it’s like he is just giving me excuses to shut me up because I hound him so much over it. He usually doesn't answer or says I don't know.

Before and after me, I am sorry to sound stuck up, he has dated really, really, really ugly girls. His current girlfriend has bright red hair and is very pale and wears tons of makeup, just like the one before that. He told me what he loved about me was I was really tanned and never had to wear makeup and took just as long as him to get ready. That I am a natural beauty. He also said he never date a woman who smokes, and the one before this one did. All the girls have asked him out. He was forced to ask me out by my friend. When he is single, he doesn't chase girls like normal guys e.g. on a 2 week cruise, all his friends had sex with at least two girls. He didn't even kiss one.

He is apparently deeply in love with this current girl he lives with and has nearly been with for a year, and so he tells me when I asked him, he is completely normal sexually with her and loves it. They do it often.

I have accused him several times of being gay, even when he was my boyfriend. He has only said a few times he isn't gay. Usually he says nothing.

What do you think really of the situation? Was it me or him?

Thank you.

I don't see why it matters why he acted a certain way at all. He's not with you now so shouldn't you just move on?

But anyway, you have no idea what the level of intimacy is between he and his current girlfriend. Perhaps you and the other girl broke him. Maybe sex was foreign to him. Maybe you were practice for him. Maybe you helped him get over anxieties about sex so that when he DID find the right person, he wouldn't be tripping over himself to please her. Or... maybe his current girlfriend didn't push sex like you did. Maybe she didn't have a hissy fit like you because of lack of intimacy. Honestly girl, why are you crying about sex? You're acting like a relationship needs sexual intimacy in order to be a relationship. You knew he wasn't interested, yet you still pushed it. You cried over it. You snooped around his computer. You begged to have sex with him. Come on. When you saw that he wasn't interested, you should have backed off and waited until he was ready to make that first move.

You usually hear about GUYS acting the way that you did. The guy wants sex but the girl doesn't. He tries to please her and do sexual stuff with her but she's not interested. He throws a tantrum when he doesn't get his way talking about "If you love me then why won't you have sex with me?" When he does have sex with her, it's like rape because she lacks interest. She may try to do things on rare occasions like suck his . But she might gag because a penis is just soooo... taboo. And the girl finds relief when she doesn't have to perform for him. You acted like a horny Guy in this situation and that was a fault on your part. You wanted a 90210 relationship and when you didn't get it, you through a tantrum. So what do you expect? Heck, I'd dump you, too. You keep saying you are pretty and that's fine. But that may not be enough for him. You said it yourself that he was different. Maybe she's actually taking his feeling into consideration and that's making him loosen up to the idea of sex and intimacy. But that's just my take on it. Only he knows. You can ask him and he can choose to tell you the truth and he can choose not to. Either way, you should move on and just be more considerate the next time you find a boyfriend.

I don't see why it matters why he acted a certain way at all. He's not with you now so shouldn't you just move on?

But anyways, you have no idea what the level of intimacy is between he and his current girlfriend. Perhaps you and the other girl broke him. Maybe sex was foreign to him. Maybe you were practice for him. Maybe you helped him get over anxieties about sex so that when he DID find the right person, he wouldn't be tripping over himself to please her. Or... maybe his current girlfriend didn't push sex like you did. Maybe she didn't have a hissy fit like you because of lack of intimacy. Honestly girl, why are you crying about sex? You're acting like a relationship needs sexual intimacy in order to be a relationship. You knew he wasn't interested, yet you still pushed it. You cried over it. You snooped around his computer. You begged to have sex with him. come on. When you saw that he wasn't interested, you should have backed off and waited until he was ready to make that first move.

You usually hear about GUYS acting the way that you did. The guy wants sex but the girl doesn't. He tries to please her and do sexual stuff with her but she's not interested. He throws a tantrum when he doesn't get his way talking about "If you love me then why won't you have sex with me?" When he does have sex with her, it's like rape because she lacks intrest. She may try to do things on rare occasions like suck his . But she might gag because a penis is just soooo...taboo. And the girl finds relief when she doesn't have to perform for him. You acted like a horny Guy in this situation and that was a fault on your part. You wanted a 90210 relationship and when you didn't get it, you through a tantrum. So what do you expect? Heck, I'd dump you, too. You keep saying you are pretty and that's fine. But that may not be enough for him. You said it yourself that he was different. Maybe she's actually taking his feeling into consideration and that's making him loosen up to the idea of sex and intimacy. But that's just my take on it. Only he knows. You can ask him and he can choose to tell you the truth and he can choose not to. Either way, you should move on and just be more considerate the next time you find a boyfriend.


Dear Troll,
I am not some sort of sex fiend. It is a mssive problem though when your 19 year old boyfriend shows no interest in you. I didn't want it all the time. I was lucky to get it once every two week. And it had nothing to do with the good feelings. It had everything to do with me being madly in love with him and worrying he didn't love me. I wasn't snooping on his computer. I did it right in front of him. I was looking for a website I had looked up the day before for uni. I didn't cry every time either. 90210 relationship? I wanted to marry him and did everything for him like gave him massages everday, baked him cakes, got up at 330 am to make him breakfast and lunch etc etc etc. Don't see that happening on that show... And I never said I was pretty. I said those girls were ugly. Obviously you have red hair and gor offended so attacked me.

Sweetie I'm african American. And I'm 20. So it's not like I'm from a different generation than you and it's not like we are so different that I don't see where you are coming from. And all I said was my opinion. I mean that is why you are here. You wanted to here from others and see their take on things. I wasn't being mean. I was being honest. This explanation your providing me with now makes it seem like you smothered him. If I were a guy, I wouldn't want to get married at 19. I wouldn't even want to fall in love at 19. I've got the rest of my life to think about love and marriage. Youth is the time when you experiment so that when you ARE completely grown and taking care of yourself, you know what to expect. Honestly, why would you cry about sex at all? If you loved him, wasn't it enough to be around him? To be his girl? Sex doesn't have to happen in order for someone to be interested in you. I don't know where you got that idea from. If you were concerned that he didn't love you then you should have asked. If he said yes then you should have stopped worrying. If he didn't then you'd know that he wasn't interested and you could have moved on with your life and found someone who did appreciate your 'advances'.

Now you tell me this. Did you REALLY want to hear other peoples' opinion on this topic or were you just looking for reassurance so that you wouldn't feel it was all of your fault? Are you just looking for someone to say "Oh sweetie it's not you, it's him. He was a jerk. You did everything right. You're better off"? If you are just looking for pity and sympathy then just say so. I'll be happy to tell you exactly what you want to hear.

Also, I did back off and wait. For weeks at times. He loved that though. Then I didn't get anything! And I'm not just talking about sex. I'm talking about any sort of contact. A peck is not loving enough for me lol.

Sweetie I'm african American. And I'm 20. So it's not like I'm from a different generation than you and it's not like we are so different that I don't see where you are coming from. And all I said was my opinion. I mean that is why you are here. You wanted to here from others and see their take on things. I wasn't being mean. I was being honest. This explanation your providing me with now makes it seem like you smothered him. If I were a guy, I wouldn't want to get married at 19. I wouldn't even want to fall in love at 19. I've got the rest of my life to think about love and marriage. Youth is the time when you experiment so that when you ARE completely grown and taking care of yourself, you know what to expect. Honestly, why would you cry about sex at all? If you loved him, wasn't it enough to be around him? To be his girl? Sex doesn't have to happen in order for someone to be interested in you. I don't know where you got that idea from. If you were concerned that he didn't love you then you should have asked. If he said yes then you should have stopped worrying. if he didn't then you'd know that he wasn't interested and you could have moved on with your life and found someone who did appreciate your 'advances'.

Now you tell me this. Did you REALLY want to hear other peoples' opinion on this topic or were you just looking for reassurance so that you wouldn't feel it was all of your fault? Are you just looking for someone to say "Oh sweetie it's not you, it's him. He was a jerk. You did everything right. You're better off"? If you are just looking for pity and sympathy then just say so. I'll be happy to tell you exactly what you want to hear.

No. But I don't want to be labelled as some sort of sex fiend. Well love, if you can go through a relationship where a guy wants to see Brokeback Mountain but would never even kiss and cuddle you unless you kissed and cuddled him first, good on you! I wasn't smothering him at the start, so that doesn't answer why he didn't make a move on me then, especially since I was a virgin.

Well, as I said before, you'd have to ask HIM what is up. Because no one here can tell you WHY the following happened. All we can do is guess sweetie, based on what you tell us. And that is my guess. Sorry if it doesn't answer anything but the answer that you seek will not be found here.
I don't see why it's bothering you so much though. I mean I never said there is something wrong with wanting intimacy. I like it, too. But when your partner obviously doesn't show the same level of interest in affection as you, you have some decision-making to do. You're ready marry this guy but you were so unsatisfied by his lack of interest that it drove you to tears at times. I just don't see any reasoning in that. I don't see how anyone could want to marry a person who holds back on something that is so important to the one person. If it bothered you so much then I'm surprised that YOU didn't end the relationship.

What do you think really of the situation? Was it me or him?


It was you both, for all the intense feelings you had for him, he had none and your lucky enough to have this thing end.

Don't dwell over him, and his lack of humanity, just hold out for a healthy man, who can feel as you do. He obviously didn't.

I think you were just too young at the time you knew this boy to be able to form a healthy relationship for a while before you became sexually aggressive with him out of ignorance. He was able to know that you were insincere and pushy, and now he has found a girl that he has connected with and wants to be with.

We all make mistakes and must learn from them so we don't have an unhappy life and perhaps dwell on the past instead of look toward the future.

So, to answer your question, it was you.

Live and learn, :)