Hey I'm having some real trouble dealing with one of the results of a nasty break up. I'm 20 and last month my first love of 1.5 years broke it off with me, I was devastated, still am obviously, she was my first in every sense of the word, and now we have broken up I feel its hard to imagine being with another girl. I was never someone who tried for one night stands with girls, it literally wouldn't turn me on, the thought ofbeing with someone you weren't sure 100% liked you felt uncomfortable to me, I am a worryier I guess, maybe not selfish enough with my own feelings, its just the idea, of being in a comfortable loving relationship was such a turn on for me, and now being on my own (still have lots of friends) but I'm terrified of being with someone I don't truly know, but after a year and a half of healthy sex its natural my desire for it has gone up! I am too and fro with my feelings sum days the idea of being with sumone new again is such a buzz, other days I feel sick at the thought of not finding someone as good as my ex. My trust issues in the fairer have been hit hard I know that, should these thoughts about other girls not even be on the agenda yet? Any advice? Thanks people.

Be patient, your feelings are normal.

Give yourself time to heal and the rest will happen naturally. You will meet other girls that you like. As you get to know them you will develop feelings and your trust will grow.

I agree with tal. The feelings are natural, here is the thing first loves are the hardest. You can't see yourself with anyone else and you still think she was perfect. You will find someone out there who is a better fit. Believe me, you may go through several but eventually one will click with you and then your first you will be able to look back at and realize how much you learned and enjoyed about her but she was not meant for you. It just takes time and patience. There are others out there. I never had the stomach for one night stands either. I thought they brought me down as a person and in the end I am the one who has to look at myself in the mirror everyday. So just hang in there and give her space don't contact her or any of that. It will be great again. Good Luck.

I understand that this is very hard and overwhelming for you, but things will get better and you will eventually meet new girls and hopefully put yourself out there to find someone new. When my boyfriend dumped me I was devastated because I was sure he was the only one for me and it was a terrible feeling being without him everyday, but I was even more upset about how the whole break up made me afterwards; depressed and antisocial. So, what I did was take a box and just put everything that reminded me of him and everything that he ever gave me and put it in that box and stuck it in my closet where I couldn't see it and eventually my mind moved away from him and onto someone different. I helped me and maybe it will work for you too, but at least just try and get your mind off the whole situation because it will really help you in the end no matter how hard it is at first just keep yourself busy and just live you life again. Start anew! I wish you the best of luck and I know you'll find someone just as good as your ex if not better. ;) Good luck to you sir!

<3 kt

Cheers guys.. oh yeah I definantly given space, I couldn't handle getting back with her even if that was an option! I think that's one sign I've made a little bit of progress over the last month.. coming to that realisation. When you say it will be great again you mean in the future with someone else yeah? I'm not one of those people looking for methods of getting her back, I'm forcing myself to have some pride, even if I'm faultering now and then.

Thanks kt, that's good advice with the possesions and stuff, I got rid of it all, sept sum clothes that I like, I'm being selfish with them! Thanks for the best wishes too:)... I'm starting my life again as best as I can, its been made harder since I found out an ex friend of 4 years who I work with has been hitting on her didn't know how to react to that... So even at work there's horrible reminders of her. Im also forcing myself to meet new people, and talk to new girls, its just I know deep down I'm not ready for anything, even though I really want to be! Maybe its because I don't want to be on my own when I found out she has a new guy, sounds a bit pathetic but this sucks!

I feel the same way too =/

I feel the same, why do I feel like I'm so ugly and my girl was so sexy like I didn't deserve her is this normal? Why do I feel no attraction to other girls, why do I feel like I'm going to be single for the rest of my life now :(

Guys,

A breakup takes an immense self-confidence toll. Its normal. You need to find what makes you feel better about yourself and embrace it. Try working out, running, joining a team, volunteering, any number of things... It really helps.

EDIT: Here's 9 pages of things to try...
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/list-things-do-after-breakup-78597.html

TIME.

Don't rush it.

Take your time.

TRUST ME... Do nothing.

It just happens. You don't need to speed it up or try to control it.

As long as you are 100% cut off and trying new things without your past, you will be 100% fine in TIME.

I feel the same, why do i feel like im so ugly and my girl was so sexy like i didn't deserve her is this normal? Why do I feel no attraction to other girls, why do i feel like im going to be single for the rest of my life now :(

I feel very similar to you mate, When I met my ex everyone would always ask how she managed to get me! All of her friends said it, but after a year and a half, and falling for her, it felt like it turned around, she grew up and I stayed with the feeling of needing her, and now she's broke it off, I don't feel I can meet someone else or at least someone I won't try and critisise in comparison, I will take time to myself, and pray it gets better, I spent the week with a different girl last week and it just didn't go anywhere, and I so wanted it to even though I wasn't properly ready.. I feel pretty messed up at the mo, but I'm desperate to not show it, she doesn't deserve my attention any longer.

Hey guys I have posted on this forum before about my problem dealing with a break up, and I'm glad to say its been 2 months of NC and I'm getting better.

The problem I'm having is finding what I need to move on and truly get back my confidence! I have only had one girlfriend which lasted a year and a half (im 20) it was really serious and up to the end I couldn't still even imagine being with anyone else. I have started going to town loaads with my mates and I have been getting interest from a few girls.. one of them last night took me back to her apartment! Was completely up for it and I thought I was too! And then right before we got it on I couldn't get in the mood! I couldn't believe it ! I ended the night just focusing on her (if you know what I mean! ) which was still fun, I was just in shock I wasn't able to get as excited with this new girl, as I had done in the past with my ex! I never had any sex problems with my ex, EXCEPT when we first met, for the first month of getting physical I had to slow things down a bit because she was my first! And I duno I felt I had to find out she'd stick around,. but after that relationship, I have lost a lot of trust in girls views on relationships, but after a year of a half of sex I never thought id go back to square one again! Is this going to happen with every girl I meet? Because at the moment I'm a 20 year old student at uni and girls don't want slow relationships, they want fun, and so do I! Its just after last night , I don't feel the confidence to have one night stands, is this bad?
. Are these feelings normal? Is it lame to want to have a relationship before I get physical with a girl? Because I know if I didn't feel like this, id have had so much experience with girls already! Its just I can't get into flings at the mo.

One night stands seem fun, but they do more harm than good to people that actually care about quality relationships. Sounds like you are one of those people.

So stop dating with sex in mind and those situations will come up less. An invitation back to a girl's apartment (whether first night or tenth) leads to one thing, so don't go there if that's not what you want.

Also, your memories of your ex should be a source of encouragement about how you CAN be in a good relationship. Please don't use those memories to COMPARE current dating endeavors. No girl deserves that.

The only comparisons you need to be doing is comparing your list of wants/needs/goals for dating/girlfriends to the girl you are out with. If the comparison holds up, keep dating, if not...

Lastly, why not just enjoy going out with your mates, girls and guys, and enjoying yourselves? Don't look for nor pursue anything more than relaxed companionship. A legitimate dating option will present itself.

I'm in the same boat being single, except I wish I was in college now they I work full time meeting girls my age is so much harder.

Have to spread some rep before I can agree with you JB, but you're totally right.

A legitimate dating option will present itself eventually. There are plenty of girls not interested in one night stands, and frankly those are the ones I want to run into.

You're not that guy so don't pretend to be.

If I'm reading your post correctly, you have only been broken up with your ex girlfriend for 2 months? Or have you been split for more than 2 months but recently enforced the NC rule?

Either way, it sounds to me like these emotions for you from your breakup are still very raw and you need more time. It is a process, it does take some reflection of the relationship so you can better understand yourself & your needs for future relationships. Like JB said though, it's so important that you don't compare your current and future dating experiences/relationships with your past girlfriend. It will only bring agony for both you and especially your new girl. This is where the raw emotions come in. Your past relationship is still fresh on your mind and that makes making comparisons an easy target. I think this shows that it's a little too soon to be pursuing anything.

Please understand that I'm not saying you shouldn't have fun, etc. All I'm saying is that right now may be the best time for you to just enjoy hanging out with your friends and not look for (or agree to) one night stands or dating relationships. On this subject, please don't feel lame because you just couldn't get in the mood at her apartment. It shows that you simply don't have the closure you need yet from your last love. One night stands are not for everyone and you should never feel pressured into thinking that it's the "normal" and there's something wrong with you if you don't really enjoy it. My advice is to take it slow. Give some thought into what you're really looking for in a mate: your needs, your desires, your expectations if any. That will make it much easier on you to determine in the future if someone is worth getting to know right off the bat. In the meantime, just enjoy your life and don't put any unnecessary pressures on yourself to be a certain way at this stage in the game. Just be you, take things one day at a time and believe me, the right gal will come along when you least expect it. Who knows - she may be looking to get close with you and have a connection before the sexual interaction starts too. Wouldn't that make you feel a bit more at ease?

I sincerely hope this helps you in some way. Good luck and just remember to take it easy on yourself. Have fun! What's right for one isn't right for another. So just in case you're ever feeling like someone is trying to mold and shape you into being a certain way - tell them to let you live your life and they can live theirs. :)

Thanks everyone. Yeah it has been 2 months, and id say a month and a half of NC, which I'm glad about.. I think how I have been reacting is maybe deep down just a childish defence I'm trying to put up , to protect me from feeling crap about hearing who she's been with.. but then again I am having fun, its just after what I been through, kissing a girl in a club and going back to hers are too major different things for me at the moment, It probably doesn't help that a lot of my guy mates are proper players. And they think I am too, but I'm really not! Out of all of them I have had the longest relationship, even though one of them has been with about 60 girls by the age of 21! which I couldn't even imagine doing.. but he's not a very nice guy to be honest. Its just hard trying to know what to do, I'm still feeling raw about the lost of a close friend, and all the companionship. Its just I seem to forget that the girls I meet in clubs are probably a lot different to what I'm looking for in one. Just except for my nights out I don't have much going for me in the social department, I don't have many girls that are close mates, just people who I have had small flings with, which makes it really awkward trying to get in contact with again! I am in my final year of uni, so I'm trying to solely focus on that, its just hard, I always had an outlet from uni stress ,which was seeing the person I cared about. Sounds a bit soppy, but true, thanks for the advice though everyone, I'm just glad I have kept all my friends close.

Relax fella, as your obviously learning a lot about yourself, and doing a good job identifying your needs, and concerns, and really just need to be patient getting to a solution.

Your on the right track though.

Its been two months since my ex broke up with me, and I still don't feel like I have any closure. Because I still keep trying to pinpoint a REAL reason for why it ended. I don't want her back AT ALL , and I haven't broke NC in 2 months proving that, its just I am unable to go out with other girls until I can have a clear mind about why things happened, I feel maybe it ended because things just got boring, neither of us we're making a real effort any more. Its just when I think about that, I then think, "why did we stop making an effort?". What did I do? She just turned 18, I'm 20, almost finished uni, she still hasn't started uni. And we broke up after a holiday , which tbh, was not as passiaonate as our first holiday , maybe that's why it ended? No passion? Because she was my first girlfriend, I've started thinking could it even have been the sex? which has rele got me down, I thought it had been great, at least for the first year, she always says she liked it, ( I was one of those guys who asked what she thought of it :S) and she initiated it plenty of times. Everyone girl I talked too, say it wouldn't have lasted so long, if you had not been good, we were having sex up to the week we broke up. THen it ended, with no definite reason, just "i feel different". The reason I am pinpointing on the sex, is because until I get my confidence back I don't feel able to be intimate with someone new, it took a month of being comfortable with my ex, before I became the highly sex charged man I am! (lol) Its just yeah, id hate to think it was because of that. Im in great shape (like health, and toned etc) and intend to stay that way, but I still can't get the confidence to be like "what the hell, do what you want, stop worrying about what they think" gaa :(

It is probably not the sex. You said she initiated it a lot. Don't worry or stress about that. You guys are young. It is probably just that time for her to wonder off into the world.

Your confidence, and self esteem, will come back, if you stop looking back at what you had, and look forward for what you want.

Its just that simple!

Hi guys, I'm having a bit of a problem id like a bit of advice on. Since I have been single about 6 months I've had sum real ups and downs, but I'm glad to say my life is still going on meeting new friends occasionally, and I'm still having fun with my friends, mainly the lads,

But recently I'm becoming anxious at the thought of having sex again with another girl, I'm 20 but only been with one girl for about 18 months.
Since being single I have met sum girls who I haven't been that into but due to the situation I've attempted one night stands with them, and we end up just fooling around a bit, but then I pull away and just can't get aroused too have full sex something which some of my friends don't even have issues with apparently.
, my close friends think its just because I haven't met the right girl again, but I'm rele worried about this anxiety, I had it briefly with my ex, where I couldn't get it up for full intercourse on the first occasion, and she was happy to take things slow till we builded up to it, and then wow it was non stop till the break up, but I feel as I do not seem able to have sex early on in a relationship will this rele effect me in my 20s? Me and my ex were both young and new at it, but id hate to think that was the only reason she was happy to take it slow and build up to it. What's peoples experience and opinions on this? Is sexual confidence so crucial early on, to have success in your 20s?

Thanyou for your time.

I think you need to give yourself a break..

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to take it slow with someone new, that's in fact the smart thing to do.. less chances of getting STD's

You are young, I'm 24 and I still have sex issues (religious) that I'm working on..

If you continue to think that something's wrong with you, then you're just going to set yourself up for ED

Just relax, have fun and don't worry! And don't let your friends influence you to have one night stands. In my opinion, people having one night stands are unhealthy

Yeah, just don't go looking for love.

Yeah... it is almost like you are trying too hard to have a one night stand, just to prove to yourself you can have sex with another person. Personally, I REFUSE to have sex the first time I meet a girl. Don't do that kind of stuff, as it can have a lasting impact on your thought process.

Just enjoy getting to know different people, take it slow, and have fun... meaning you don't need to have sex with every hottie you bump in to.

Yeah you guys make a lot of sense thank you, its been very hard to stay relaxed unforuantly, I have just been beating myself up over the fact that all these anx's have come back to haunt me, I thought they were gone when I over came them before in my last relationship, but I guess taking it slow is the answer, I hope if I do meet sumone again having sex means just us much to them as it does for me, it feels really wrong to me to do it with out liking every part of the person. Not to say I get to emotionally involved straight away, because I know that can scare people off, but yeah I think sex is just a nice bonus to being with the person your with, not the only goal, its fair to say I'm not ready for another relationship so its more than likley the reason.

Just be classy, as you are. There isn't a man book out there that says you have to get laid nightly. That ain't how I roll, and I am happy to say I am proud of that. Ain't nothing wrong with getting to know someone, and keeping sex on a pedestal. Just be you...

You seem to be more comfortable doing things a certain way, so stick to it, and not worry about forcing things. That what having control of your own life is all about, so don't worry.

Hiya guys, last night I went out with my mates to just have a laugh at a club like we usually do, but id say about half an hour in my mate looked across theroom and kind of laughed and said "oh shi*t" I forced him to tell me what was up, and he said my ex was here, OK now here is where the problem is, its been 6 months, I haven't seen her since then, and when I looked over I saw someone who looked identical to her with a new guy,( thekinda guy I pictured she'd leave me for!). And I was furious, I didn't go over there or anything I was just feeling so sick and devastated. I can't believe how bad it got to me, I was so confident before I got there, I've rele hit the gym hard etc and have been feeling great about myself, and this incident just made me feel like a little jealous kid, who doesn't get what he wants. What's wrong with me guys this doesn't feel normal? I certainly don't want her back I'm over that, its just, she was reallly attractive, she was a model at her college, and I'm really having real issues over comparing her with other girls something which is really unfair and shallow I know, its just I can't find a girl who matches that, this is an issue which I feel has affected my progress getting back out there, are these normal reactions?

It turned out not to be her by the way, but look so much like her it brought back a lot of feelings I thoguht I was over, I'm really down about it.

You clearly aren't over her yet, and that is fine. I honestly know I wouldn't feel good if I was in a situation like yours. It is fine man, nothing is wrong with you. Just continue to heal, and whatever you do, try and avoid places she might have a chance of being at. Don't over analyze what you saw or let it run around your mind too much.

I certainly don't want her back I'm over that,

This incident only shows you that your as not as far along in the healing process as you thought, and you need more time. Just keep pushing forward.

I know what you mean man. My ex was super atttractive too and I'm struggling to find a match to that as well. We just have to hang in there and hope that this person will come one day.

Just remember, you met her and dated her, so why can't you do the samething again with an equally attractive girl...

Just something to think about as you move forward in the healing process.

I'd say that's a totally normal reaction... I have hit the 8 month mark and I know that something like that would hit me hard. Like you I don't want her back, and have moved on quite well. I think seeing or hearing these things will always hit you hard initially... but as time goes on your resilience and ability to overcome it quickly gets better. I know it would hurt me badly initially but I know I would be over it within a day.

I think even you said Tal, in a post way back (pretty sure it was you) That you found out your ex was engaged... hit you hard for a second but then you overcame it very quickly.

So that's my point, I think it hurts everyone to some degree that an ex has moved on, even if you don't want them back... It's just a feeling you can't help. Just understand that like before this feeling will pass so don't let something as silly as this erase all the work you've done.

*2 threads merged*

Its been 6 months and I can't forget my ex, I accidentally saw a pic of her online, and almost broke down as if its only just happened! its like what the hell! I know I'm quite a sensitive guy, but this is really annoying. I have mates who I'm sure have dealt with break ups better than this, like finding a new girl and happily carryying on. I just can't get interested in anyone else like I'm sure she has.. I still can't accept the concept of sumone loving you even when they say they want to break it off.. I know its over of course, don't contact her or anything, its just how long will I feel this upset, I've taken it so personally that I'm constantly depressed about myself worth and stuff. What else can I do?

Boost your freaking self confidence. You cannot blame this on you. This is LIFE!! It happens man, as cliché as it sounds, it just happens. You are not proactive enough right now. Build a new life for yourself man, do things that make YOU happy... this is the best time to be selfish. Don't worry about how fast your friends got over it, this is about YOU. Whatever it takes, however long it takes (in a reasonable sense), it is all about YOU.

Get up, write a list of things down, and DO them. Rebuild a better life. Screw your ex, and what she is doing. It WILL NEVER MATTER again. What matters is how you define the rest of your life. The clock is ticking...

Carry on... :cool:

Hey hardtimes,

It is v difficult as many people would say, but in order to develop a better life for yourself, only YOU can create it. No one can.

Take a deep breath and like Kctiger said make a realistic list of things you can do that will help you feel better and make you a better person. Put some deadlines to it and so you know where your heading with it all. Break these plans up bit by bit and so your not overwhelmed with it all. Sometimes all you need to do is one good thing a day for You. With a bit of tweeking here and there you soon will feel better and will be able to embark your path in a much better way.

Don't worry about what your friends do or say, YOU take your time - the important thing is that you do whatever is right for you and only you.

With regards to the ex situation- it is a ex situation. So although your hurting v much- you must find a way with time to deal with your pain in a better way. This will come with time and with the right attitude. Right now your days are painful, eventually you will have some sunny rays in that day and then one day that whole day will be sunny.

Hope is what you must have. Faith is what you must believe in to succeed and past through these difficult times.

Getting over someone is hard and you have to take it day by day. However, you haven't completely let go of your ex and your healing starts with that, letting go and accepting the relationship is done. Your going be sad but sooner or later that frown is going turn upside down.

Now if you question your self-worth because of this girl than it might be time to talk to a professional. You shouldn't never let sometime get you down but you feel this way because your drowning yourself in this break-up.

It's a new day so start smiling, living and enjoy life because life is too short and tomorrow isn't promise. In life what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

Thanks people, I just panicked a bit because I being taking everyone's advice so well, but I'm worried that it hasn't worked correctly or something, there's NC. I go to the gym to improve myself, I've almost graduated! I know things are OK in my life , I just want that feeling where I feel completely detached from any baggage and I feel complete on my own again. Im not a big fan of jumping into relationships, I like being young and with my mates, I just feel like I'm still being weighed down by this past experience. Just want to be free, from it all again. I probs just need more faith like you say zeeniee. This will be my last post on this subject! Promise. :)

Hey hard times- be free to talk about anything on this site- it is th ebest way to get things of your chest and the best thing is you will always get FEEDBACK!! So vent what ever you want to say- don't hold back!

Hey Hardtimes,
I think what you should be thinking and saying is the more you talk here- the better it is for you to empty your heart and chest and the better you will feel. The feedbacks you will get on this site will be non judgemental and the many different and varied thoughts from many folks here will help you see things/ problems in a better and different way. You will be more open with your thoughts and will be happy to discuss whatever is on your mind. Eventually your problem will become smaller and smaller and one day it will disappear!

So I think the more you talk- the smaller the deal becomes :-)