Hello,

We are a loving, stable parents with two boys. Our youngest teen son is 'normal' and well functioning. Our oldest teen son (who was fathered by a man that I left while I was still pregnant because the man was dysfunctional and abusive) started showing signs of difficulty at age 4. However he didn't start to get out of control until the last year.

He is now 16 and is becoming a person I do not recognized. His behavior is 'foreign' and nothing like the rest of us. We have gone to numerous counselors, tried alternative medical care, private schools, home school everything. Nothing is working.

He was recently arrested for shoplifting. He hangs out with kids who have been arrested for drugs, fighting and/or stealing. Two days ago he and six boys followed another kid that was 'dissing' one of their friends. Then one of the kids from my son's group assaulted the kid. That kid is now in juvenile hall. They are smoking cigarettes and pot, and drinking alcohol. They have sex freely and treat girls poorly.

The worst part of this is that my son shows no remorse, and he will not follow any rules or guidelines we try to implement. He is very angry and treats us with disdain. He swears at me and says the most hateful, vulgar, hurtful things he can think of. I can not repeat them because his language is so vulgar. He acts out only when he doesn't get what he wants. He tells us we are too strict. But anything short of letting him fail school, party and do whatever he wants is 'too strict' in his eyes.

We are moving to another state, which he does not wish to do. In attempt to keep the family here he has threatened to purposely get arrested in order to 'punish' us and keep us from moving. He has threatened to accuse me (his mom) of sexual abuse and physical abuse just so we will get arrested. He has threatened to burn down our house because I would not let him have his cell phone back. He has told me that if I call the police he will stab the police. He has told me that he hates us all and only acts nice enough to get what he wants, but that he does not love us. And, that if I were a man he would F me up and beat the S out of me. And, that if his dad (who has raised him since he was 2) gets in his way one more time that he will kick my husbands A and 'stick him'. He says that we have never loved him or accepted him and that we are horrible parents.

I do not believe that he will do these hateful things. And, I think he knows that we love him. I think he is trying to bully us. But, the fact that he says such hateful things scares me. I'm starting to think that he is mentally ill. Or, that someone at some point in his life has harmed him and perhaps that is where he learned this violent, vulgar behavior.

I don't know what to do. When we take him to counselors he will not talk. He just tells them that everything is great and that these are the best years of his life. He is growing increasingly self destructive and I'm afraid that he may some day get so sick or out of control that he will harm himself, my youngest son, us or someone else. I feel like he is destroying my entire family. I feel like a hostage in my own home and I never know when he is going to be nice or when he is going to act out.

FYI - his bio father was a drug addict and I think mentally ill. I left him while I was pregnant and got into intense counseling before I entered another relationship. My mother is severely mentally ill and delusion. My youngest sister has been diagnosed with every mind disease you can imagine. My middle sister is normal. I had emotional problems as a young woman, but thankfully did not inherit my mothers mental illness. However I fear that I passed it down to my son. Another concern is that my mom is seriously sick in the head, which I didn't figure out until just recently when she started having all kinds of delusional thoughts and behaviors. So, sometimes I think it is not just that my son might be mentally, but I also worry that my mom's husband abused my son. That is a long story, but there are several factors that lead me to be concerned about abuse in retrospect. ( for example My mother is the type of woman that would turn a blind eye to something like that just to keep her man. She let my step dad (a diff man) abuse me. My youngest sis said that my mom's husband abused her. My mom NOW says that her husband NEVER touched her in 18 years of marriage. My son used to go to Alaska with my mom's husband and the last time he went he came back 'different' and started sleeping with a knife and acting out).

What can I do with a kid that will not let me love him and will not talk to me or counselors? How can I help him? How can I determine if he is mentally ill, has been abused or both? How do I insulate my other son from my oldest sons drama and hostility? How do I protect my husband and I? What do you do with an underage kid who runs the house and is destructive and abusive? Sometimes I just want to throw him out. Sometimes I want to curl up in a ball and wait for it to go away. Sometimes I feel guilty. Sometimes I feel very angry. Sometimes I feel hopeful. Sometimes I feel hopeless. We are concerned about our younger son's safety and my husband wants to send my oldest son to boarding school because he is so verbally abusive. I don't know what to do.

Danielle

I would guess that he needs to be evalulated for anti-social personality disorder.

In the United States, one out of twenty-six people have this disorder... it is very common these days.

Best wishes to you in the future,

I am living with a similar child. He is now 18. There is substantial substance abuse, addiction and mental illness on both sides of the family. I am certain my 2 oldest 21 and 18 have genetic problems... but living with this is impossible. They have to cooperate and they are not willing... I am still looking for answers... ;

You are in a position that would have anybody jumping off a roof. You've wracked your brain and your energy trying to find answers, and even with thoughts and predicators, it does not explain, or change his behaviour. Knowing what it is, will only be half the battle.

He may not be mentally affected with a disorder. That is something only a Psychiatrist can diagnose. Things may fit with what you find on the internet, but they are incomplete diagnosis, and one size does not fit all in the complicated business of identifying a mental disorder. Not by a long shot.

His behaviour may very well be the result of abuse, or drugs, or alcohol, or I suspect, gang like activities and loyalties. I don't know enough to take a stab at that, but you probably have already anyway.

While you still have some control, insist on a psychiatric evaluation that would involve physical assessment as well. Whatever comes of that, there will be a course of treatment. Keep knocking on doors, and invest your energy in getting answers, not beating yourself up with guilt. See what he does to you as symptomatic, and take a few steps back and think critically. The more patterns you see to his behaviour the better information the Psychiatrist will have.

Give a call to your local CPS, and do a little pre-emptive work. Go in and speak to a counsellor about the threats, and ask for their assistance in how to deal with it. Not only will you be on record as seeking assistance, but it will help to eliminate you as the cause if he does act upon his threats to call the police, and other authorities. Tell them everything, the threats particularly.

Go in and speak to the police themselves. I did this step in addition to the above with my daughter. I just asked to see a cop that knew what was going on in the street with drugs. You would not believe the information I got. Their insight taught me much. And, when she was picked up, there was already a 'history' there from me, a concerned and active parent.

It is very intimidating when kids know their 'rights' and they know which 800 numbers to call, and seem to have all the cards stacked against you. It's time for you to protect yourself and your other son and your husband from his threats and attacks, and take steps to do that.

Start with a psychiatrist, that would be my best advice for you. Once diagnosed, an appropriate counsellor trained in personality disorders can work miracles. If he does not have a disorder, interview therapists in your area, and choose which one you think would work best with your child. I got tired of all the run of the mill b.s. and counsellors are a dime a dozen. Be involved with who will be counselling your son.

It may seem too much now, but try to enlist the help and support of parent groups, 12 step support programs for family members, and/or family counselling. It will help all of you understand and learn how to deal with his behaviour.

Above all, don't give up without a fight.

You could try sending him to boot camp for kids like the afternoon TV shows do.
He sounds like he may be into drugs. Most kids that change drastically are into drugs.

This is going to sound far out, but my grandson had some out of control issues. There were no drugs involved except for his reaction to some prescription drugs--singulair, which caused depression and then to the anti-depressant. He would get so out of control that his parents had to call the police to their house several times. He didn't hit anyone, but the verbal abuse and breaking things was awful. They discovered that giving him fish oil and magnesium glycinate made him into a lovable young man. My daughter can actually tell if she has forgotten to give him the magnesium. His face even changes to look mean! The fish oil isn't an instant fix--needs to be on it at least 30 days. The magnesium on the other hand makes a difference within an hour. It's worth a try. If you can't get him to take the magnesium, Solaray brand comes in a pull-apart capsule. There are good granola bar recipes that don't require cooking (peanutbutter with oatmeal ones especially). Just sprinkle the contents of the mag capsule in a batch. You will be AMAZED!

Oh, one more thing. They used melatonin to get his sleep patterns regular. Lack of sleep was another cause of out of control behavior.

Some one help me I have a 3 year old son very vilent he doesn't see it any where is bio father has bi poler and was vilent I very scared to night he tried to stab me with a knife ( I hide them and lock them away but he bracks this to get to them ) he won't talk potty train nothing he is really scarin me I I put him in time outs tried diff things got him in special school nothing is helping is he sick in the head I asked the dr and he laught at me someone help me before he hurts himself or someone else!!

I have been through this. My son who is now 13 was the same. He did not potty train until 9. I want to tell you that he is doing amazing well today. The past 5 years he has been stable and well. The journey to this place was hell. It took many hospitalizations and finally a placement in a residential school program. We are finally now working on him coming home and attending a special needs day program. The solution was many fold. First a good psycho pharm to get the right diagnosis and meds. My son is bi polar, aspergers and sleep disorder. He is extremely intelligent and high functioning. Second he needed to be in a highly structured environment. Be patient and persistent. Love your son. I too was afraid my son was going to harm me. Today he is wonderful and loving. There is hope. I don't know where you live but when your son goes becomes violent bring him to the emergency room hospital and do not leave without them admiting him for evaluation. I had to wait in the emergency room at children's hospital for 2 and half days before they would take my son. They said they where full and had no beds. Tried to send us home... you must not leave... very important. They will find a bed for him. That is where you begin. Hope this helps. Be patient. The potty training was frustrating as hell. My son simply was not getting the right signals. Eventually this part of his brain matured properly. Unfortuantely he now frequently gets constipated. His bowel is stretched out from these early years.