Let me start by telling you about me and my ex-girlfriend, so maybe you can understand the situation a little better. I'm 17, starting my 12th year of education (at college in England). My ex is 15 and in the year below me. We'd had a three-month spell that, in time, I grew to see her as the most beautiful person in the world.. It's apparent that we both loved each other a lot, and still do, but therein lies the problem.

She's told me over the past few days that she's not been happy in our relationship, and the reason being is that she doesn't feel that she loves me as much as I love her. She's also afraid of being stuck in one relationship for the rest of her life. As such, she's told me that she wants to 'test the waters' as it were, and like a fool I begrudingly let her, for only the sake of her happiness.

Immediately she's latched onto a mutual friend of ours, a 19 year old who's liked her for some time. Now her IM name is plastered with <I love 'X'> and hearts and such and it's driving me sick. I want her back but, I know that trying to take her back now will only result in her falling out with me. We've agreed to be friends for the time being, but I just don't know how long I can hold out like this.

I honestly don't know whether she'll ever realise what she's truly done to me and come back. She seems happy enough with this new lover, who shares a lot of my interests while being better looking than I am too. I really don't think she knows what I mean when I tell her that I loved her and still do, and I'm afraid that she never loved me and was just saying it to not disappoint me. She's making me feel like crap and I hate it, but at the same time I love her and want to just hold her. My question is how do I cope with her not texting me, and being with this other man, and in general just not being there when I'm used to her being there, and if necessary how do I win her back from this other guy?

You may not like my opinion, but give it a chance

You asked at the end how to win her back...

I think that is the wrong question to be asking. Your original question of how to cope, however, I believe is the right one.

Although I don't know much about the situation, I can guess that she isn't right for you. If she is going to leave you to "test the waters" then she isn't really that committed to you. If she wants you back, she will tell you, or at least send you those signals. Not to mention that you are only 17, and have your whole life ahead of you. You will probably go through a few more girlfriends until you find "the one."

As for coping, I would suggest NC for you. You seem to like her still, a lot, and can't bear seeing her with another guy. I had to do NC with my ex. That is, NO CONTACT. No talking, no phoning, no e-mailing, no nothing... until you can face her without feeling heart broken inside.

I think you have to accept that your relationship may be over, and you have to move on.
At least, in my humble opinion.

Keep us updated on your feelings, and good luck.
Stay strong :) We'll help you through this...

Although, if you want to keep the chance of her coming back to you, don't do a few things, like:
-beg for her to come back
-send her hundreds of texts and e-mails
-call her 30 times a day
-send flowers
-cry to her
-tell her she is the only one for you
-etc.

Just don't do the above.

I still think you should move on, but if you do any of the above, she definitaly won't come back to you.

Well unfortunately coping is just something you are going to have to do... There are certain things that can lessen the sting... Like JR said, you have to go NC... I think that the NC calender could really benefit you...
-delete her off your msn... you don't need to see her nick names
-don't call or text her... and if she sends them to you ignore them
-concentrate on the positives in your life and work hard on them
-hangout with your friends

Like Jr said, I don't think that you should be thinking about trying to get her back, I'm sorry to say but this girl doesn't seem to interested in getting back together, not too mention pretty flaky and immature. If she does change her mind she knows where to find you, and any attempt you make at trying to get her back will do nothing but drive her away.

I know that it seems like your world is crashing down around you with the loss of this girl, but bud, you are 17, and this is just one of most likely many relationships you will have. This girl doesn't define you or what you will be, block her out of your life and work on yourself, if she comes back to you than deal with that when it happens (don't have hope for it though... it very rarely happens)

You never know what's just around the corner... My 4 year relationship just ended 4 and some months ago. I didn't think I would ever find anybody like her. But I have started seeing this girl that blows my ex out of the water, and I cannot believe how excited I am. It just goes to show you that you never know who's out there waiting for you, and that there is always somebody better and more suited for you. So hold your head up high, you are going to be OK.

Missing Her Greatly, Need To Know How To Cope

After reading the post, I went back to your title, as that's the real question. I refer you to the stickies at the beginning of the relationships forum, and the No Contact Calender 1,2,and 3, for some really great insights, and suggestions for your situation.

This girl doesn't love you, and its not your fault neither is it hers. It takes 2 people to love and if it isn't going to happen it just won't. I think you should delete her from your IM so you don't have to see her screen names anymore. And move on I know its hard to do. But in time it will get better. You will find someone that will love you and you will love them too. I believe god has someone else waiting for you, and you haven't met her yet but you will and when you do you will realize why your old relationship never worked and glad it never did, then you would have never been able to be with a new girl. Take it easy OK. Start to distract yourself by studying, doing some hobbies you like and go out with your friends. The more you go out the more opputunities you have to meet someone else.! Keep us posted OK?

OK guys, I've decided to go NC, my college schedule keeps me busy during weekdays, it's going to be the nights and weekends that are the hardest times for me though. I've talked it over with my mates and they've come up with the theory that she's being immature about the whole thing, and will probably come crawling back to me once things in her new relationship turn sour, any thoughts on this?

All that energy you give her, should be focused on you, and what you want.

As such, she's told me that she wants to 'test the waters' as it were, and like a fool I begrudingly let her, for only the sake of her happiness.

Ok Firstly don't beat yourself too hard because this is not your fault. She had probably made her mind up before telling you all this so I think it would have happened anyway. She only told you so she could have a clear conscience.



I honestly don't know whether she'll ever realise what she's truly done to me and come back.

Why would you want to be someone that is not 100% sure they want to be with you? For your own good you should hope she doesn't come back. She is really young and chances are she will be confused for many more years to come.



She seems happy enough with this new lover, who shares a lot of my interests while being better looking than I am too.

You don't really know that and even if she seems happy that shouldn't have anything to do with you. And looks will not keep a relationship going. It's the person inside that matters so I suggest you find someone that will appreciate you for that.



She's making me feel like crap and I hate it, but at the same time I love her and want to just hold her.

These are normal feelings after a breakup especially if the other person has moved on faster. And that is why you need to maintain no contact. So you can take some time away from the situation and see things for how they really are. I mean you sound like a really mature person



I've talked it over with my mates and they've come up with the theory that she's being immature about the whole thing, and will probably come crawling back to me once things in her new relationship turn sour, any thoughts on this?

Possibly but do you really want to be the back up choice? The one she runs back to when things don't work out for her? I think you should focus on what you need to do to move on.

The hard thing is that I still want her back. And my first day of NC failed miserably, she called my house to tell me that she'd bought concert tickets for a gig I'm at on Friday and hoped to see me there. Hmm...

If you think you can handle seeing her without being with her, then go ahead, have fun.

If you think it will be too painful (I think it will be) then don't go. Call her, and say you can't go.

And it is okay that your first day of NC didn't go so well. You can always try again tomorrow. In my opinion, the next time you talk to her, tell her the following:
-You can't go to the concert with her
-You still hurt too much from the break-up, and you think it would be best if you didn't see/talk to each other for a while.

It will take time to get over her, so just let her know that, and I'm sure she will be willing to help you with that by keeping her distance.

Good luck,
Let us know what you decide to do!

And remember to DISTRACT YOURSELF! It will help, especially with NC. Go out with friends, watch movies, play games, whatever it takes for you to stop thinking about her...

And by the way,
I have noticed something with girls when they break up with a guy...

They always like to hold on, and keep you close, even if you don't want to. It is like they still want you, but without the commitment or something.

When you leave completely, and even use NC, it makes it easier for them to "see what they lost" (as many guys say). They would be more likely to come back if they realize how different life would be without the ex.

I think this is what your ex is doing. She is still trying to see you, by asking you to the concert.

For strategy to get her back; I would recommend complete NC, and no more communication. She will see what she has lost that way, (MAYBE! POSSIBLE, but not garunteed).

I still recommend just moving on though. It would make life SOOO much easier for you. And, it would end all the heartache NOW!

But, you did ask "if necassary, how do I win her back from this guy?" So I am trying my best to answer you questions.

I still can't stress enough my opinion that you should move on...
And try not to get your hopes up about her coming back.
Its okay if she doesn't come back, you have a whole life ahead of you!

Here's what I think and it is Severely old but it could work per'say... date another girl yourself and see her reaction... if she doesn't approve then you have your answer if she's fine you might want to keep the new girlfriend or if you have a female friend you could "pretend" to date her

Although, if you want to keep the chance of her coming back to you, don't do a few things, like:
-beg for her to come back
-send her hundreds of texts and e-mails
-call her 30 times a day
-send flowers
-cry to her
-tell her she is the only one for you
-etc.

Just don't do the above.

I still think you should move on, but if you do any of the above, she definitaly won't come back to you.

Sorry to "steal" the topic but I kind of had to enquire:
I did a couple of the afformentioned things. Of course, by now I didn't need anyone to mention to me that it was an idiotic thing to do, I did:

1. beg for her to come back (Although, not as much beg, but the same day she broke up with me I did ask her to give me another chance, and naturally I also cried, we had been seeing each other for five years, if it's any help she cried as well.)

She told me she didn't see our relationship as "entirely over forever" but that right now she needed to spend time by herself and define who she really was, and that she didn't want to call it a break because she knew she wouldn't just hang around and wait for us to get back together, she needed the space to do what she wanted, and she couldn't guarantee me that she wouldn't fall in love in the meanwhile and find someone else she'd rather spend the rest of her life with. She also said that: "It's never too late for us, but right now I can't cope with all of this". I said she made the right decision and in some of the conversations we had since I said this was definitely the right thing for both of us.

I haven't called her since but I have sent her an email and two/three text messages during the first week after our breakup, however none of them were of the "PLEASE TAKE ME BACK" kind, they were more of the: "I think it's sad that after five years our relationship ends like so abruptly and that we're never to speak with eachother again, I hope some day down the road we can become friends again" and, stupid as I was, I did of course mention that I would never settle for anyone that I didn't find as good as she was (Although I did mention I'd look), and considering the fact that she's the best person I've ever met, I doubt I'd find anyone I'd be willing to settle down with anytime soon.

I do think however I had to do these things in order to get any form of decent closure to help me move on, of course, in the back of my head I'm still hoping we'll end up together some day down the road. I do realize of course that I've given her complete control of the breakup by now and that this won't be nearly as hard for her because she knows she can get me back, and I kind of regret this, I wish she'd feel more that I was gone forever, like I do with her.

The thing is however we attend the same university and we bump into each other every now and then, we also have a few mutual friends so we're bound to run into each other over certain intervals. I'm going to give her the space and time that she needs, but considering we'll be attending the same university for 4 more years, I know within myself that one year down the road, if I still haven't found anyone I like as much as her and she's not in any relationships, I'm going to try to make a move on her again and see if she's interested in maybe starting things up again (given the circumstances of our breakup, I don't see this as completely impossible), biggest question naturally being; How should I act the next time I run into her? I'm guessing the best way for me to act is like I'm already completely over the relationship, being all happy and definitely glad we're not seeing each other anymore, at least give her the clear idea that what's now done is done (and the fact is I actually wouldn't take her back right now, I know both she and I need to evolve a little bit by ourselves if we ever were to be able to take the step to live together for the rest of our lives). I'm just worried that I've ruined everything so much that even one year down the road she'll see me as that pathetic little wiener that cried his eyes out when she left. What should I do?

We follow part of the same route on our way to uni so it's easy for me to bump into her casually as well to just show her how fine I'm doing, but this sounds a bit too desperate. Should I just wait until I do run into her by chance and then act like I'm completely over her? Should I mention anything specific like how I'm signing up for dancing lessons to meet new interesting women, just to make her realize I've already started looking? Or will these things just make her think I'm a complete arse who recovered too quickly and immediately assume "I never really loved her?"

Again sorry for stealing the thread, that post just caught my eyes -_-