Okay, so I've been with this girl for 3 months. First of all, I want to say, yes, I understand that 3 months is not a long time, but I and many of the people who see us together believe we are truly in love. So to all those critics out there who are going to say 3 months isn't a long time, I understand where your coming from, but please just treat this an exception.

Anyway, my problem is that she just told me that she liked another guy. Now, when I first heard this, I didn't know what to do and was very very sad. Then we got to talking and she didn't give me a very good explanation of why she liked him, but did tell me that she thought she only liked me as a friend.

Now, about half an hour into the conversation, she admitted that she didn't want to hurt me by having me talk to her about this. So instead, we related this incident to one we had before where I was in a similar position, but discovered, through a long looooong talk with her, that I only liked this other girl because she reminded me of a time when I was happier than I had been my entire life. She seemed to believe this was the same issue for her because she thought that this other guy she liked reminded her of a time before we started dating because she had recently been diagnosed with an imbalance of hormones I think? She gave me an explanation relating to hormones, but admitted that she had frequent panic attacks lately which, when I researched it, were possibly results of a large amount of stress from her family. Her parents always expected her to be the best.

Anyway, we didn't have enough time to set this matter to bed for good, but were approaching the topic of if she really liked this guy or not. My course of action was to determine if she really liked him or not and whether it was best to break up. I was just wondering if anybody had any advice for me or if they wanted to tell me if I had done anything wrong. I really love this girl, and I hate to see her sad like this. So please, help! =]

I think there are an endless supply of "straws" for you to grasp at to make something that's over keep going in your head.

It's nice that you care about this girl. She's moving on. Regardless of what you think is happening, you should move on, too.

The best move is to be honest with her and just tell her that you want your relationship to last.

Time will tell whether it has staying power or not.

You can never really know what goes on in the minds of other people. You can only relate how you feel and what you need/want for the two of you. You can hope that she's being real when she tells you of her feeling and her wants/needs... however time is the only measurement of love... and the more of it you have the deeper the feelings, (hopefully!).

You're young... 3 months SEEMS like a long relationship.

When you're an adult and you look back upon an old relationship that only lasted 6 months and didn't work out, you say to yourself, "thank God it only last that short a time".

My daughter had a 4 month relationship and she's 16... when it hit the 4th month marker all her friends made such a big deal about it. They were like, "Omg, I can't believe how long you guys have been together!!". She said, "I KNOW, ay?" LOLOLOLOLLLL!

Take it a day at at time right now... and be REAL.

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Okay, so my girlfriend is a natural flirt. I didn't know this until after we started going out, and I learned she just naturally flirts with every guy she talks to. What should I do? I mean, should I tolerate it and just accept her for who she is, or should I put my foot down and tell her that it's just not OK with me?

I went out with a girl for 2.5 years and she was a very big flirt. It all depends on your relationship with each other. We really were in love, so while it bothered me sometimes, I knew it didn't mean anything. There were times where it got annoying and I confronted her about it. For sure, you have to confront her about it. How else will she know what is making you upset? If you don't tell her now, you'll eventually end up letting her know one way or another and it will only be worse then. This is something you need to put out there because she may not know it's bothering you.

Well I guess I will turn it around and say BF or Hubby. It's hurtful, humiliating and extremely inconsiderate and I understand why this would bother you. It may be fun for her and/or maybe she is trying to get you jealous and/or better yet maybe she isn't all that serious about the relationship... or as you said she's just a flirt! Whatever the reason, it really depends on you and what you want out of the relationship or a relationship. What do you define as a happy and constructive relationship? I know I would confront her about it and tell her how it makes you feel. Afterwards maybe see if she changes her approach to other males. (Honestly, it sounds like she has some self-esteem issues to me so careful and gentle in your approach)

Thanks guys, I took your advice and confronted her about it. She said that she doesn't really notice that she does it and she did sound sincere when she apologized for it. She also acknowledges that it hurts me and that she would try to stop. Is that the best I can get?

That is absolutely the best that could have come out of it. She didn't mean to be hurting you, and she didn't realize it. She is truly sorry. Don't even think of trying to milk this for anything more. Wait and see if she does anything to change it, but for now, be nice, accept her apology and move on. Don't dwell on this and most of all, don't make her feel guilty about it.

Not sure what else you could ask for, right? If someone simply has a flirty nature, it's technically who they are. They can change, sure, but change doesn't happen overnight, and it's especially hard for change to occur when the girl doesn't even realize she's doing it.

I must admit, I'm a pretty big flirt, but my past girlfriends have all accepted it while we were dating.

I've also dated some big flirts, and some not-so-big flirts.

Remember, it's not who she talks to, it's who she goes home with in the end.

Haha that's a great point and thanks for all the help guys.

I've been flirty for 30 years. Even in front of my wife, she thinks it's silly, but it's a happy way of giving attention to people without anything coming of it.

You're being uncomfortable with her flirtiness is mostly your problem, unless her flirtiness is downright naughty and sexual. That should be pointed out.

Congratulations, she wasn't aware... maybe it will be better now. She will forget though! :) just nudge her and give her a kiss. I was like that too once upon a time (before we got married) but when my boyfriend turned it around on me I realized how s****y it made me feel and stopped. It's nice that your so supportive and understanding... rare. Some people are just more sensitive then others and everyone is so unique so really just do what's right for you.

I'm a natural flirt myself. My husband knows it-he also knows that however much I flirt, It will never go any further than that.

If your happy then why flirt? Need to feel wanted? Esteem issues? I now know how hurtful it could actually be if someone is "sensitive". It's just an invitation for misunderstanding, I don't do that anymore... especially if you give the wrong impression and the person on the receiving end understands something different... then you have what is called a "stalker" and will be mistaken for a "slut" (even though it is completely innocent. I just think its not classy especially of a lady... my opinion, don't have to like it but wow when the table turned I realized how much it made me feel.

I agree with April.

Some people flirt constantly, some don't. Some people are bothered by it and others aren't. But if someone is, they have a right to say it makes them uncomfortable. I don't think it makes any more sense to dismiss sensitivity about this as insecurity as to say that flirting is all caused by insecurity. That doesn't make anyone feel any better. And you could argue that refusing to put up with it is a sign of good boundaries. Maybe that's a healthy response. But if two people are fine with one another flirting, that's fine by me, as long as they aren't messing up the happiness of other couples.

Whatever the case, couples whose values differ have to find a way to deal with that difference, by talking it over and trying to see if it's something they can work out. I think NIT and his girlfriend handled this really well.

Agreed asking!

Ok guys, I need help again. I found out from very reliable friends that when my girlfriend is with this other guy, she flirts incessantly and as though I don't exist. And its this one specific guy who she also happened to have a crush on and still a little one. What do I do?

I knew something was missing! Well, you talked to her... she apologized and she said that she would try. This is her chance to prove it then right? Don't get overwhelmed... wait and see what happens but don't be afraid to take your position of boyfriend and show some of that handsome radiance that got you with her in the first place! It was a crush... see my husband went through the same ordeal with me I think it was 3 guys in my community that approached me in the same night and asked me out. I thought wow... omg! What do I do? Sure it made me feel wonderful and all but when I thought about it I came back to the idea that I loved my boyfriend and everything he does for me. These guys never noticed me before and what... now that I am involved with someone they all flock? They missed their chance and I was happy so why ruin a good thing... I am married to that boyfriend that I am talking about and don't regret any decisions I made. Give her some trust. I understand your stress but let everything play out because whatever happens... remember there is no coincidence and that everything happens for a reason. I think everyone is under the assumption and understanding that you need to do what's right for you and follow your gut instinct... that is one thing that will never let you down. Trust it and follow it!

I'm happy, it is just my personality. I'm an extrovert. I flirt with old and young, man and woman. Not, kids of course... I flirt with my best friend! I still flirt with my husband, it is so ingrained in my nature that there is no use in changing it. I'm not hurting anybody.

You do need to trust her.

You don't need to follow your gut instinct. WAY too many of the stories on this forum stem from "gut instincts" going awry. Gut instinct is not truth, it's an emotional response. In the end, you need to make actual decisions based on what is real, and many emotions aren't exactly "real" in that sense. Gut instincts least of all.

I'm not saying to ignore your instincts, refer to them, of course. But DO NOT be led by them. That's what the old' noggin' is for. Look at what you're doing and how it's affecting things, sometimes our "gut instinct" reactions to things can get exactly the opposite of what we want. That's not good, is it?

I'm happy, it is just my personality. I'm an extrovert. I flirt with old and young, man and woman. Not, kids of course...I flirt with my best friend! I still flirt with my husband, it is so ingrained in my nature that there is no use in changing it. I'm not hurting anybody.

That's great... good for you... if you ever flirted with me or my husband I would probably knock the teeth out of your mouth :)... besides this isn't you or about you and evidently the writer of the post is in distress... and isn't OK with it!

Flirting+crush+flirting with the crush and a little dash of 'you don't exist'... Not good. I say Keep your eyes open...

Also, I may be totally off here but it almost seems as though she took it a little too well when you raised the issue. I'm a flirt for the same reasons JB and others stated, and my husband doesn't feel threatened by that but every so often I'll be nice to someone he doesn't necessarily like too much (we're into racing, lots of competition) and he'll raise the issue as flirting. Now, because I don't feel I'm crossing any boundaries or doing anything remotely close to suggesting he shouldn't trust me, I listen to what he has to say and I don't make a big deal about it BUT I do stand my ground. The fact that she is VERY understanding seems a little fishy to me but who knows, I could be wrong.

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(https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/members/xoxaprilwine.html)xoxaprilwine (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/members/xoxaprilwine.html) disagrees: Intuition is one of the most strongest senses a human can have...common people reference to gut instinct but it is actually called intuition
(https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/members/xoxaprilwine.html)

Either learn to use the site, and play by the rules, or quit posting. Disagreements are for factually wrong, or dangerous advice, but when it comes to opinion, yours is no better than any others. Read the rules, please.

Haha, OK, I realize I am constantly updating and changing the issue, but me and my girlfriend talk as much as we can everyday and we try to bring up issues if they're bothering us. So today I found out that she uses flirting to deal with stress (and believe me, she has an unbelievably stressful life!) and she says that she likes to flirt with me if I'm there, but it just so happens that this particular guy is around her more often than I am sometimes. So, is it time to just trust her and let the issue drop? Or should I do something else?

Well seeing as the two of you are communicating about the problem... I would let the issue drop. But if it still bothers you maybe you could ask her to try to cut back a little.

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. He is a libra so he's just naturally flirty, he doesn't mean it, that's just how he comes off, so I know what you are talking about. I couldn't deal with it so I let him know every time he said something that he didn't like, we had a lot of fights and long convos and I stressed a lot but he's very honest and eventually I changed him and now he's so much better. So if she is really someone that you want to be with, you can change her and she should want to make you happy and change if what she is doing offends you and really bothers you. A lot of people say you should change someone, you should just like them how they are, but I don't believe that, to a point. You can't tell her you don't like the way she dresses or something like that because that's not right, but something like flirting too much is something that is okay to change. And if she doesn't change, don't give up. Unless you want to. Good luck!

I think its great your communicating your feelings. That's half the battle. Keep it up, and learn some foot massage techniques, for the stress.

Haha unfortunately she's not comfortable with massages. I tried to give her a back rub before (which I am very good at) and she just didn't feel comfortable with it. =\

This mite be who she is. Ill consider myself to be very flirty but I try not to esp if my boyfriend is around I don't want to disrespect him in anywa but I think flirting is dangerous and you need to let her know there is a line that shouldn't be crossed because there are consequences. Seriously if you are not comfortable wit it talk to her about it let her know exactly where you stand

Ok, now, this isn't a problem of mine. I actually just got out of a relationship that I pushed with interesting results. The best one, I think, is that even though the girl I thought I was in love with (I'm not sure anymore because yes I am still young) broke up with, but I feel nothing yet. No sadness, no tears, no anything. Now, I understand that this was just a little bit ago, (a few hours) but still, I expected something at least. So here's my question: What do you guys think would be a situation where you should push a relationship? I don't actually want advice for my current situation, though a little side comment would be much appreciated =]. What I really want to know is, how do you guys define a relationship worth fighting for?

A relationship worth fighting for, would be one where you know you are sincerely committed to each other- that you would easily spend your life with that person- one where you know that you can encourage each other through the tough stuff- where you can be positve that your relationship could withstand anything and everything.
My side comment- you didn't really love this girl as much as you thought you did.

haha I love to say it we're back together =] one night of being single just didn't work out

No offense, but when the other shoe drops, remember we're still here to listen and provide a shoulder.

Haha I know but still, I'd like to ask. When would you guys push a failing relationship?

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My girlfriend has extremely low self-esteem, and I honestly have no clue about how to boost it. Does anybody know of anything that will help? And first off, I want to drive off the "just compliment her" route, because that doesn't seem to be working for me. What I really want to know is if that's the best/only route, or if there are other effective means.

I used to have beyond low self esteem, and I have finally realized, I'm not ugly. My boyfriend of over a year and a half is such a sweetheart. He is the one who got me over it. He would tell me how gorgeous I am, and if I showed up to see him in something cute, he'd tell me how adorable I looked. Also, the thing that helped me the most was when I lost my virginity to him. Before we did anything, he stopped and said "Baby girl, you're the most beautiful thing ever." I'll never forget that moment. Compliments truly are helpful in a girls self esteem. Just out of curiosity, does she have an anxiety disorder she isn't aware of? When I found out I did have an anxiety disorder, I started going to therapy and taking medication, which may help a little. But, compliments are an easy route. I truly don't know how else to help her feel better. Text messages, whispers in the ear, anything... and remember to compliment the little things, "The way your hair looks when it's flipped like that is stunning.", or "Please don't wear make-up, you're too beautiful to spoil that face." Simple little things really mean the most to a girl... I hope I could help you.

Well she has clinical depression.

This may contribute to the poor self esteem. Don't over do it, but try your hardest to keep a smile on her face. Give her compliments on little things. (Hair, earring, necklace, make-up, etc.) Those things truly do matter.

and I forgot to thank you! Haha yes you helped me a lot =]

You're very welcome! :) Take good care of her. ;)

My suggestion is a little more worldly. People build confidence through accomplishment. Purely complimenting people's looks is a loser in my opinion, since one REALLY mean comment from someone can completely undo all the progress you've made in THAT area.

No, better would be to help her accomplish something. Make something together, help someone together, help her create things in her life that are short and simple "wins" that you can both look at and say, "Look what you did." Awesome. "Look what we did" is OK, too, but not as effective.

Stuff like that is WAY more lasting than compliments on physicality. Is she skilled at anything you can mention? Can you think of some way she can share that skill in a quick meaningful way to someone? You know her better then we.

Is there something YOU'RE good at you can teach her? Something not overly complicated but satisfying when learned? Build/Fly kites? Paint a bedroom? Make a photo album?

Is there a charity that needs help accomplishing something? Serving in or leading by organizing short projects are always fulfilling.

You get the idea...

My suggestion is a little more worldly. People build confidence through accomplishment. Purely complimenting people's looks is a loser in my opinion, since one REALLY mean comment from someone can completely undo all the progress you've made in THAT area.

No, better would be to help her accomplish something. Make something together, help someone together, help her create things in her life that are short and simple "wins" that you can both look at and say, "Look what you did." Awesome. "Look what we did" is OK, too, but not as effective.

Stuff like that is WAY more lasting than compliments on physicality. Is she skilled at anything you can mention? Can you think of some way she can share that skill in a quick meaningful way to someone? You know her better then we.

Is there something YOU'RE good at you can teach her? Something not overly complicated but satisfying when learned? Build/Fly kites? Paint a bedroom? Make a photo album?

Is there a charity that needs help accomplishing something? Serving in or leading by organizing short projects are always fulfilling.

You get the idea...

Not arguing with you, however I tried completing things... and it actually made me a little worse. And some self esteem is really just image. I developed bulimia because I thought I was fat and shortly after that was told I had anxiety... mentally, I think I'm a good person... and maybe his girlfriend is similar too. And it takes one heck of an a*shole to tell someone they look horrible - a person like that is only upset with their flaws. :) Once again not arguing your point. I do agree that helps for people who have low self esteem in many aspects.

Not arguing with you, however I tried completing things... and it actually made me a little worse. And some self esteem is really just image. I developed bulimia because I thought I was fat and shortly after that was told I had anxiety... mentally, I think I'm a good person... and maybe his girlfriend is similar too. And it takes one heck of an a*shole to tell someone they look horrible - a person like that is only upset with their flaws. :) Once again not arguing your point., I do agree that helps for people who have low self esteem in many aspects.

Understood. Thanks for the background comparison.

I admit it's no cureall, but so much bad self-esteem is directly caused by so much self-focus. Anything that interferes with that habit is good. Helping others always makes you feel good, and anytime that happens it's a win that can't be removed.

A lot to think about, for sure.

I think that you both have valid points, and its more of a formula if you will. You need different parts to it or it will not work, so just focusing on little things or just focusing on big things might not cut it.

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Hey all, my girlfriend is a very talented actor. She also sings very well, and recently this has lead her to try out for a play which she made. The problem, however, is that, in a scene, she has to kiss another guy and is constantly flirting with him as though in a relationship. I can't stand the thought of watching her kiss another guy, and while I would be able to get over it, I'm worried that I'll overreact to her acting and take it for real and that she WANTS to kiss this other guy. So am I being too protective and jealous, or is my jealousy justified? And if I am being unreasonable, can anybody give me advice to how I can soothe my jealous side?

You asked if you are being reasonable...
What do you even want her to do about this? What would you like to see happen?

And I'm sure this happens all the time. Your feelings are definitely understandable, and they are natural emotions to something like this.

What I want is for her not to have to kiss this guy. But as this is unavoidable, I want to know how to, if not eliminate my jealousy, at least make it bearable.

Don't watch the play. Keep the stress to a minimum, keep the comments to yourself. A supportive boyfriends supports by thinking of her, not himself.

Acting is acting, done all the time in plays, movies and TV throughout american. It is not sexual, and not a desire and there is no emotoinal connection.

So is what you are feeling normal, yes of course, I would not like it either but it is something you have to get used to.

How long have ye been together?

We've been dating for almost 5 months now.

Make a joke out of it, not a big deal! Your girlfriend should know how you're feeling about it and should help you out of your insecurity. It's normal to feel that way, but you got to work on it.

And if ever that turns out to be more than a superficial kiss and flirting, well, you'll know you should move on. But I really don't think it will be necessary...

I would have told my girl to drop out the play. I tell her all the time I don't even want her to touch other guys period. I get really jealous and I go crazy for stupid things sometimes. But in the end as long as she's not cheating on you, you should be fine with it after a while. Just set down your rules

i would have told my girl to drop out the play. i tell her all the time i dont even want her to touch other guys period. i get really jealous and i go crazy for stupid things sometimes. but in the end as long as shes not cheating on you, you should be fine with it after a while. just set down your rules

That jealousy of yours will cause your girlfriend to sprint towards the exit.

Im not going to tell her to drop the play because I know how much she loves acting and this is her first lead. I just need to know a better way to deal with my jealousy because, yes, I am going to the play. So sorry JB but I can't go with your solution =[. Any other tips?

The more you seem jealous and upset about this situation, the more she'll be inclined to leave you for this guy.

She's with YOU because she likes you. If you act nonchalant and cool about this, then you'll have become the bigger man and she may even be more attracted to you as you seem so confident in yourself about the relationship.

Be that whiny needy and jealous guy, and it shows off your bad side. Support her, go to the play, and make a joke or two (keep this at a minimum!) about it, then move on.

I wouldn't worry too much about her being in a play. Most likley its nothing emotional and she is just doing what she loves best and that is acting. Most likley you knew she loved to act when or before you got together. Just be there and support her. Let her do what she loves you can't act like this every time she has a kissing scene in a play. Your emotions are normal I'm sure... but you just need to know that she cares about you and the kiss means nothing. Its not like she is doing late night rehersals with the guy at his house. If that ever comes to action then I would start to worry. Until then trust her and know she is just doing what she loves to do and support her.

Im not gonna tell her to drop the play because I know how much she loves acting and this is her first lead. I just need to know a better way to deal with my jealousy because, yes, I am going to the play. So sorry JB but i can't go with your solution =[. Any other tips?

Okay, listen: you got to make a huge effort to not get extremely jealous while you're there at the play. If it might help, bring a good (guy) funny friend to be there with you and support you. Let him know you're freaking out about that kiss and he might be able to help you out a bit. And when the play is over, go see your girlfriend and do not emphasize that kiss, but be really cool about it and as I said, make a joke out of it. Let her know it was indeed something you had to deal with and conceal as much as possible, but also reassure her that you get it was part of the job (part of the play). And then kiss her the best way you can so she forgets the other one... :D I am sure she will be stressed out about the kiss and about the whole play, too and will need some reassurance.

Relax, you'll get over it if you make an effort to! And yes, your jealousy IS justified, but you got to work on it...

Thanks AWess, and I know the perfect guy to bring there. Haha and what do you mean by concealing it?

Concealing it... means even though you might be angry, push it down, and leave it alone. By the time the play is over, it's over and done with, right?

Thanks AWess, and I know the perfect guy to bring there. Haha and what do you mean by concealing it?

Great! Then, it's going to be just fine. :)

That jealousy of yours will cause your girlfriend to sprint towards the exit.

If that would have happened it would have happened a year ago. Were both jealous freaks

The more you seem jealous and upset about this situation, the more she'll be inclined to leave you for this guy.

She's with YOU because she likes you. If you act nonchalant and cool about this, then you'll have become the bigger man and she may even be more attracted to you as you seem so confident in yourself about the relationship.

Be that whiny needy and jealous guy, and it shows off your bad side. Support her, go to the play, and make a joke or two (keep this at a minimum!) about it, then move on.

I don't think this is true at all. If you seem so cool about it and act likes it nothing she'll think its OK for her to do those types of things and maybe she'll start hanging out with guys and stuff and something could happen. You got to see both sides of the page

i dont think this is true at all. if you seem so cool about it and act likes it nothing she'll think its ok for her to do those types of things and maybe she'll start hanging out with guys and stuff and something could happen. you gotta see both sides of the page

No, she won't think it's OK for her to do "those types of things". Everyone knows "those types of things" are never OK.

No, she will look at you as a mature person and will want to be with you more.

Doesn't it really depend on the girl?

I'm sure she doesn't want to kiss this guy. I don't think you have anything to worry about, it's only a play after all, it's not like she's cheating on you. But, you said she is "constantly flirting with him as though in a relationship"... That, I would be concerned about. I can see where the jealousy could come in if she is flirting with this guy outside of the play. I would try talking to her about the flirting issue, but don't bring up the kiss because it's irrelevant since she's only acting.

Doesn't it really depend on the girl?

It sure does depend, but I think any mature girl would understand that her boyfriend might get jealous. Yet, the better the boyfriend manages to deal with it and being cool about it, the more pleased she'll be with being with having him as boyfriend. (This is how I see it, but I've never cheated and I would never even think of doing so. Really!)

E21, I'm sorry, but I meant that the CHARACTER in the play is flirty a lot. So it's not her, it's in the play haha.

Oooh, OK :) Well then, you have nothing to worry about! Just remind yourself that she's only acting, and the kiss will be over with quickly.

Talk to her about it and see. If she's that into the play then she'd care less about him and just wants to do the play for what it is. When you see her on that stage, just remember, she's not the same person she really is, she's someone else. Just looks like&sounds like her.

I have another question too. The play airs twice, and she has to kiss him both tims. Should I just go to one? Or would it be better to go to both?

I'd say only go to one. Go to the first showing, then if you think it's going to drive you crazy not being there when she has to do the kiss the second time, you can go to the next show too. I think you'll find that you're relieved after you actually see it. You'll be wondering why you were even concerned in the first place.

Haha Idk about that... I'm the overprotective, paranoid, and jealous kind of guy (though I try not to overdo it). Fortunately she thinks its cute. =]

Trust me, I know how that goes too, I'm a pretty jealous person when it comes to certain things as well. It's must just be in our nature. She thinks it's cute now, that's good, just don't become too overprotective, and everything will be good :)

Maybe she does want to kiss him, but that's only a possibility. If she really likes you then you got to back down on the paranoria. And yes it is completely normal to feel jelous towards it I mean for f*** sakes she's your girlfriend, but think of it as only a stage kiss and means nothing at all whatsoever.

I have another question too. The play airs twice, and she has to kiss him both tims. Should I just go to one? Or would it be better to go to both?

One

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Ok, well my girlfriend of more than 5 months is most likely moving to the other coast. It all depends on what happens to her father's job, and neither option is very optimistic. Either he gets a promotion and they move, or he gets fired. I honestly don't know how to deal with this. I can't stand the thought of breaking up, but I also know that most, if not all, long-distance relationships don't work out. At the very least, she would be there for 3 years before we could be close to each other. So I want to know how I should deal with this problem and if anybody who has been in this situation before knows about anything I can do to make it more bearable.

If you're the only one doing the pushing, it's a waste of time.

You can let her go, and live your own life, or be pen pals for a while, and see what happens. What does she want to do??

She wants to stay together "no matter what"

Long Distance Relationship Advice | The Frisky (http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-handle-this-seven-ways-to-survive-a-long-distance-relationship/?cnn=yes)

Another member posted this link, but I think it's a very good read.

thanks tal ^^

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My girlfriend and I have been going out for six months. We've been through a few tough times but we still love each other. And she's also moving to California this summer so we may have to start a long-distance relationship. However, lately I've been feeling like I don't want to be in this relationship as much as I used to but other times I'm happy we're still together. This is my and her first relationship so I'm a little bit confused about this. Any advice?

Just try to stay positive. Meaning think of her feelings as well as yours.

After 6 months the honeymoon is over so to speak feelings change you just have ask yourself if she makes you happy and is this worth all the effort. Good luck

What should I talk to her about? How I'm feeling primarily or how to fix it?

Get over her.

If she's moving to Cali, chances are... she's going to fall for high school sports jock.

I live in Cali and went to high school....

I can see what you're coming from hjpan but I don't think that'll be the case... I'm not worried about her falling for somebody else because I'm perfectly okay with letting her go. But I absolutely refuse to do that before it happens because there's no way I can know. So I don't want to sound like I'm rejecting your advice, but I want to solve the problem at hand, not run away from it. But I can see where you're coming from.

This is a relatively new relationship and you're both on different ships going in different directions (sorry for the romantic novel images there)... just be thankful you met her and tell her that the distance is going to be too great to really make it work. It's better to agree to end the relationship for that reason... how refreshing.. a mature break up. You'll also leave both of you with a much healthier approach to your next relationships.

I always say.. be kind when you break up. Treat her as you would want to be treated at that moment... but also be firm about your decision. No false hope.

Good luck to you both.

Once again, I don't want to break up with her unless it's definite that we won't work out. And by that, I mean that it's something we can't work through. Distance is relative... 9 hours away could be just as bad as one hour. So please, help me identify and fix the problem at hand and not run away from it. Mature break-ups are good, yes. But what use is it being mature if it's not at the right moment? And to ward off anybody saying that I don't want to hear these pieces of advice, yes, I don't want to hear them. But that's because they're not addressing the question I want answered. Running away from this won't help me the next time this happens. I want to deal with it now.

Once again, I don't want to break up with her unless it's definite that we won't work out. And by that, I mean that it's something we can't work through. Distance is relative... 9 hours away could be just as bad as one hour. So please, help me identify and fix the problem at hand and not run away from it. Mature break-ups are good, yes. But what use is it being mature if it's not at the right moment? And to ward off anybody saying that I don't want to hear these pieces of advice, yes, I don't want to hear them. But that's because they're not addressing the question I want answered. Running away from this won't help me the next time this happens. I want to deal with it now.


Serious advise?

I was in a long distance relationship with my first ex for more than 14 months. It was hard and unstable, but we've managed to meet up and hang out. Yes, we did have intercourse and we were virgins. Well, she left me for her "single life" in San Francisco to "party & get drunk" while her parents are paying $60k/year for her tuition + room & board.

We tried "friends" but she became a different person and was an @$$hole.

Regardless, it's not fair ofr you to make judgements upon a girl who you know absolutely nothing about. Because A) You don't know her and B) I haven't told you anything about her. Logically, I believe that I would be in a better position to judge her personality. Not everybody would do what your ex did to you, and while I am sorry for you, that doesn't mean I'm willing to hinder myself according to your experiences.

Regardless, it's not fair ofr you to make judgements upon a girl who you know absolutely nothing about. Because A) You don't know her and B) I haven't told you anything about her. Logically, I believe that I would be in a better position to judge her personality. Not everybody would do what your ex did to you, and while i am sorry for you, that doesn't mean I'm willing to hinder myself according to your experiences.


Why would you hold onto something that is broken or will be broken?

We're here to help you... I don't think we're in a position to do that. We don't know her... and honestly... if you seriously think the distance won't be a problem... then you're on your own.

We're here if you need us if/when this ends. It doesn't sound to me like either of you know how to communicate. There isn't an easy solution. Just know that a relationship at such an early age shouldn't be so much work and/or pain.

Broken? Can you prove that it is broken? All I've told you was that I don't feel the same as I used to and that it bothers me. That does not mean that I don't still love her. And will be broken? This whole time, I've said that I want to make it so that it WON'T be broken. In your situation, yes, it was broken. But in my situation, it's not. You're trying to compare my situation to yours and in doing so, you conclude that it is exactly the same and that I should end it now before I get hurt. However, my situation is just that; it's my situation, and not yours. There are differences, and they are major differences. First and foremost, my girlfriend and I respect each other and have been raised to stay away from alcohol and drugs. So, once again, don't assume anything beyond what I have told you. You are merely filling in the gaps with information from your own relationship that, honestly, have little relation to mine.

Broken? Can you prove that it is broken? All I've told you was that I don't feel the same as I used to and that it bothers me. That does not mean that I don't still love her. And will be broken? This whole time, I've said that I want to make it so that it WON'T be broken. In your situation, yes, it was broken. But in my situation, it's not. You're trying to compare my situation to yours and in doing so, you conclude that it is exactly the same and that I should end it now before I get hurt. However, my situation is just that; it's my situation, and not yours. There are differences, and they are major differences. First and foremost, my girlfriend and I respect each other and have been raised to stay away from alcohol and drugs. So, once again, don't assume anything beyond what I have told you. You are merely filling in the gaps with information from your own relationship that, honestly, have little relation to mine.

I DON'T FEEL THE SAME AS I USED TO AND THAT IT BOTHERS ME.

You just admitted the relationship is broken.

No, I admitted that a honeymoon kind of love doesn't last forever. Novelty wears off. If you can feel the same way at the start of a relationship and at the point of one 6 years later, then you either found someone who constantly changes or you guys constantly break up and get back together.

Its time to make up your mind.

For a relationship and a long distance one to work

Both partners need to be on the same page

Talk with your partner find out where she is. And work out a plan together

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My girlfriend has a lot of family problems. Her dad is abusive to her and her mother. He makes her feel unconfident and that she's worthless. He also screams at her mother too and makes her feel the same way. And this has been going on for 15 years. Her father refuses to listen to reason: he curses at counselors and walks out, he ignores my girlfriend and her mother when they try to talk to him, and he continues doing whatever he wants. My question is, how can this be changed? Can I do anything? Or is there anything I can advise her to do that will help her with her dad? And they do not want to get any law enforcement involved in this situation. Her parents don't know that I know this.

If her dad is really hurting her and her mother the best thing to do would be to get law enforcement involed you said tat they don't want to do tat by it might need to be done if not ask her if there is anything that you could do to help or maybe suggest that either her dad or her and her mom go to some kind of counciling if they think that that would help

I think it depends on how old you two are. Is she 15? 20? Maybe she could move in with you :-)

We're still teenagers in high school so I don't think she could move in with me haha. And is law enforcement really the best course of action right now? They've exhausted counseling because her dad just gets pissed off at the counselor, screams that it's a waste of money, and runs out. Is there anythign else?

Maybe your girlfriend can go to a psychiatrist by herself... her father obviously can't be controlled but the way she recepts and deals with his abusiveness can. They can teach her steps to tone him out, to gain back her confidence.

She already goes to a psychologist for clinical depression but he's next to useless... And her regular psychologist is on break for 3 years so he can't help.

These counselors and psychologists should be reporting the abuse to the Children's Services they are mandated by law to report abuse.
I really know the dad's point on them being a waste because I have never had any that did anything but sit there and say uhhmm.
I had one good one and she still didn't do or say anything. I felt like I was just as well off sitting at home telling the wall my problems and saving my time and bus money. BUT these counselors should have seen by his behavior that he is abusive and reported it to the CPS.
If they aren't going to do anything (and often CPS will not even do anything) then getting them involved will only make it harder because it WILL bring the very worst out in him that they were contacted. The mother should be taking a long hard look at what is going on and make decisions like leaving him. As long as she won't I am not sure there is much you can do without ending up having it create more problems. Other than that your girlfriend needs to stress to her psychologist exactly how bad it is and ask them for advise and help on getting out of the situation.

Does anybody have any tips for dealing with th eabuse and letting it roll off? Because I don't have any and this has caused her to have a lot of psychological problems.

It sounds like this has been a pattern of abuse that mom has accepted and that counseling is not working. The only way this will get resolved is if mom and daughter leave the household. As much as you want to help your girlfriend, there is really nothing you can personally do to change her father's behavior. He was probably abused himself and is unsure or unwilling to change this behavior. Your girlfriend's mom needs to make a change for herself and her daughter. They could go to a domestic violence shelter or call the police, have him removed and get a restraining order. The restraining orders will only do so much, the best thing would be to get away from him. If there is some family to go to that would be best, but it sounds like mom needs some counseling as well to get out of this abusive situation.

Don't try to solve this problem on your own, you can't and may make things worse.

If her dad flips out, have her come to your house for the night until he chills. Explain the problem to your own parents and let them know when she sleeps over.

I agree, you could make problems much worse if you try to intervene. Just be there to support your girlfriend, that's all you got to do

if her dad flips out, have her come to your house for the night until he chills. Explain the problem to your own parents and let them know when she sleeps over.

Having her come to his house for the night could cause a whole nother set of problems.
Dad could call the police and get them for harboring a minor if she is a minor.

Plus that's probably a recipe for disaster because her dad is not OK with me being her boyfriend which would only make him angrier

He can't do anything because she's staying at a friend's house overnight. The police won't listen to his case..
Anyway you were making it seem like her staying at home was a recipe for disaster as well

And I didn't mean for her to move in, just for her to come overnight.

He can't do anything because she's staying at a friend's house overnight. the police wont listen to his case..
anyway you were making it seem like her staying at home was a recipe for disaster as well

How do you figure?
Yes it may be a recipe for disaster but you do not jump into the fire to get away from the smoldering heat.

And he can make the case sound however he wants it to. The police are obliged to listen and take it seriosly because they never know if it's real or not.

TIMTIM answer is the best at this point

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This was out of curiosity because my girlfriend and I recently decided not to give gifts to each other for Valentine's Day. We're fairly young, and we ran out of ideas for gifts. I was curious to know if this could be potentially damaging to our relationship. Should we get gifts anyway, or should we just not get gifts?

Giving gifts is showing your willingness to please. However, using gifts to cover important factors like communication and time is't good as well. Gifts is not necessary but it's nice to get one once in awhile.

Hi, NItEMArE129!

If you've both decided not to get gifts, it's okay. If a couple gives gifts or not isn't a determining factor for success in a relationship, unless the couple has been together for a number of years and giving gifts is the thing that's expected to be done and one of the persons truly expects to be given and/or to give a gift. Then, there might be problems.

However, to have a problem simply because a person didn't receive or give a gift is irrational. There are much bigger things about which to be concerned in a relationship than material things.

Thanks!

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I've been with my girlfriend for 8 months and it's been pretty good until now. We've messed up a lot but it's probably because it's our first real relationship. But now, I met another girl that I really like, and I don't know if I want to break up. Plus, my girlfriend now is bipolar and has clinical depression and I'm scared that if I break up with her she'll try to kill herself because she's tried before. Please help me... I have no idea what to do.

Well... kind of a newsflash for you, but usually, in a relationship, when things aren't working out, the two of you try and communicate, and fix the problems, rather than just leaving for the next best thing...

I know. We've been doing that for 8 months, and I haven't talked to her about it because we haven't had enough time. I'm just looking for some input because I don't know what to say or how to tell what I want.

Things always look better on the outside when things are going bad on the inside, know what I mean? Doesn't always mean it is the truth.

Well we haven't really had any problems or fights lately. In fact, it's been OK lately, nothing bad happening. So there's not really anything bad right now, and it complicates things.

You can't control how you feel, but you can control what your actions are in regards to those feelings...

But if you don't listen to your feelings, isn't it possible to not be happy? If you stay with someone your not attracted to, wouldn't that make it impossible to be happy with them?

But where does it stop, you know? Are you going to continue to leapfrog when the next best thing comes around? Not everything is as good as it may seem... just because this other girl is attractive doesn't mean it would make a great relationship. One thing has nothing to do with the other. When I had a girlfriend, there were still a TON of girls I thought I would for sure go to bed with if I was single, but I would have never just dumped my girlfriend for that possibility.

Yeah, I know what you mean. I was in a situation like this before and I turned the girl down, but this time it's a stronger attraction... I don't want to make a mistake, you know?

Look. There are plenty of bangin' chicks out there that I would LOVE to have all sorts of fun with (sorry girls), but if you are in a relationship, I don't think that thought even crosses your mind. Clearly, you do NOT want to be in this relationship, as you are worried about making a mistake by NOT breaking up with her for this new girl. Most of us guys would be worried about making a mistake by breaking up with our girlfriend just to date a more attractive girl. Mistakes go both ways partner...

My advice, don't think with your little head, think with your bigger one.

Well I don't really like this other girl for her looks, more for her personality.

I'm scared that if I break up with her she'll try to kill herself because she's tried before

Staying out of fear is a fools game, so don't play it. From reading your other posts you two don't seem compatible, and should just end it. Knowing when to let go and move ahead is a skill worth developing, but I caution you on jumping into someone else's life right away, as some time alone is what you need to end a lot of confusion.

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The title says it all. What do you people think? I think it's okay as long as it doesn't lead to something else. But that's just me. What do you think?

Well this is a very good point.

As I have said many times before

We Can't Control our feelings
But we can control our actions.

And that is the main thing here.

I will give you my opinion on this one.

1. if you are in a relationship. And you have a friend that is really good looking and makes you laugh, does all the right things for you.

Then I am sorry you should not be in a relationship because a partner should full all those aspecs..

Now if you find someone else just good looking. Then that is normal. Even with me when I am with my girlfriend and I see another girl. I love my girlfriend to death but I find other girls pretty as well.
The same with her and guys


My point is. If you are liking other people. And I mean really liking them. Not just oh hey there cute etc etc
Then you should sit down with yourself and think long and hard about your current relationship

If its good. If its what you want? If both you and your partner want the same things.
Because if people look else where. Then they can't be happy with what they have.
And some people are just never happy with what they got..


I don't think there's anything wrong with liking others while you are in a relationship
I do however think it is unfair to the person you are with.
And even though you can't control how you feel
Maybe its your own way of telling you.. you are not ready to have a relationship with that person

You can't help if you like someone else. It depends if you indulge yourself though by sending extra emails and texts or find excuses to spend extra time with and neglect your partner, then that could be a slippery slope.

Is it wrong to like someone else while you're in a relationship?


Its not wrong, its human. It doesn't get to be wrong until you cross the lines of good behavior.

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So yea, my girlfriend and I have been going out for quite a while, and our 1 year is coming up fairly soon. She's moving to CA this summer, so I won't be able to see her too often afterwards, so I want to make something really special for her. I've considered a poem, but I've already given her one. So what do you guys think? Any suggestions? Much appreciated =] And please, no advice on long distance relationships. That is not for this thread.

Another poem wouldn't hurt. Even if it's the second one you've given her, a poem comes from the heart, and it's very personal, and I'm sure she'd appreciate it. Since you won't be seeing her as often once she moves, give her a night she won't forget... take her to dinner, buy her flowers. You don't have to go TOO crazy, but just give her something to remember before she leaves. :) good luck.

I find that if you write down honestly what you think of her and your relationship, how you see her and the last year that you've spent with her, all of the good things... that would make her very happy.

Then on the day just make her feel special, bring her flowers, take her out. I think that if weather permits bringing her around to the places that remind you of her that would be nice especially considering she's going away :)

Let me know what you think and I'll keep thinking. :D

Try take her some place that she really likes.

I vote for writing her a letter. Since you've already written a poem, this is something a little different. Just let her know what you admire about her, what made you fall in love with her, how she makes you a better person, etc.

When you are apart, she can always reread when she is missing you.

To me, that would be much more valuable then flowers or jewelry.

If you are as retarded at writing letters as I am try a photo album, but personalise it with photos and memories of your past year.

For example: have a page of photos from a trip to the beach and include some seashells on the page...

These are some great ideas. And unfortunately, I'm severely handicapped in not only letters but in photo albums as well >.<

Just write the truth, its more touching than any contrived bs anyway...

This is what I'd want:

A video with him telling her his feelings so whenever I wanted to be able to see my man I could just play the video. You could even make a slideshow with all your favorite pics and places together and read a poem in the video. And do all the things that make her laugh and smile.

On the day you see her before she leaves, take her to do her favorite things get her flowers or candy or something cutesy and tell her she can't watch the video until she gets there and gets settled in and seal it with a kiss.

Just my thoughts... I love this cutesy stuff. :)

Threads merged

My girlfriend of a year and a half have recently hit a snag. She says she feels like I just don't care about her, and she also feels like she enjoys talking to her other friends more than me. How can I try to fix this? I really do care about her and would like to be the one she enjoys talking to most.

Maybe she really wants a good listener instead of a good talker. Are you a good listener when she talks? (Women like to talk.)

Also, do you always try to fix or find solutions to things she complains about?

She doesn't really complain to me or talk to me about problems a lot simply because she doesn't tend to have a lot of problems. She tells me it's more that I don't talk to her or spontaneously start conversations. Stuff like that really.

She doesn't really complain to me or talk to me about problems a lot simply because she doesn't tend to have a lot of problems. She tells me it's more that I don't talk to her or spontaneously start conversations. Stuff like that really.
Then spontaneously start conversations by asking her "how" or "why" or "what do you think" questions to get her talking so the onus isn't on you to carry the conversation. Give her lots of empathetic responses such as "Wow! Really?" or "Who wudda thunk?" or "Tell me more." Guys like to talk about cars, sports, girls, and food. What do she and her friends talk about? -- probably clothes, makeup, hair, work or school, other girls' personalities and how they get along in life. Or does she want to talk about philosophy, politics, religion, and bestseller books?

My girlfriend of a year and a half have recently hit a snag. She says she feels like I just don't care about her, and she also feels like she enjoys talking to her other friends more than me. How can I try to fix this? I really do care about her and would like to be the one she enjoys talking to most.

Maybe she is saying that you don't care about her as an excuse. I see this as a excuse to slowly let you down, so she can get out. Maybe that's why she says she enjoys talking to her friends more, so she can go hang out with them, and move on, while she has you still hanging around when she needs you

Wondergirl- I've tried to do a lot of that stuff before, but I'm getting the feeling that she wants more. Like, I've tried to make it so that we still have something to talk about no matter what.

Dynocompe- I don't think it's that, just because I know her really well and she's not that type.

I just like to perpare you for the worst, and when they break up with you, you usually are in shock, and do not understand how they could do that, and think they changed over night! But if you can see from a outside view, you can see how they didn't change over night.
I just find it hard to believe she actually thinks you don't care, because you care so much that you found this site to post on. So I just think something is missing

Wondergirl- I've tried to do a lot of that stuff before, but I'm getting the feeling that she wants more.
That's too general. "More" what?? Ask her for specifics.

[QUOTE=NItEMArE129;2252347]Wondergirl- I've tried to do a lot of that stuff before, but I'm getting the feeling that she wants more. Like, I've tried to make it so that we still have something to talk about no matter what.

QUOTE]

So you have tried all what wondergirl suggests, but you still think she really means that you don't care? I don't think so, I think it is that she is beginning not to care

So I just talked to her, and she said that all she wants is for me to say I love you randomly. I'm pretty sure that's not all she wants, but I think it is part of how she feels.

Dyno- I can see where you're coming from, but I really don't feel that's what it is. I'll keep what you say in mind though because it does make sense.

Good to have a open mind, good luck!

So I just talked to her, and she said that all she wants is for me to say I love you randomly. I'm pretty sure that's not all she wants, but I think it is part of how she feels.
And be creative in how you say "I love you." Do you know what I mean?

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My girlfriend and I have been dating almost two years. It's been a fairly good relationship with a few up and downs, but we've been pretty close for the most of it.

I'm a really busy guy. I have a lot of schoolwork, sports, and extracurricular activities that I spend a lot of time studying for.
Recently, I've been feeling like she's been suffocating me. Throughout high school, most of our friends know us as really a couple. I've felt like I don't really have much of an identity on my own. Even now, she's just become the manager for my sports team, so I can't even have any time to be myself with my friends there. Also, she's had ideas for marriage and kids when I'm really not ready to commit to that right now.

I talked to her today and we decided to go on a break for a week. I feel like I want to break up, but at the same time I don't want to hurt her as she does have issues with depression and anxiety.

Am I making the right decision?

After the roller coaster ride the two of you have been on, you needed a break.