What’s up? This is a long post!

About a month ago, my girlfriend(22) of over 3 yrs (3 yrs 8 mths) called me(26) and wanted a break. She is currently in Florida about 1/2 way through a 6 month internship. While down, there she told me has formed a "very close friendship" with one of her fellow interns. He has since left for home. This made her highly upset and has since been talking to this guy almost every night. Apparently, from what she has told me, he has been writing her songs about her, and making all of these "cute" observations about her, but I don't know if anything else has happened between them. I know she is not the type of person to go and sleep around. So about a month ago she gave me "the phone call". She told me that she didn't think it was fair that she was making me wait all of this time for her and that she though that we needed time apart, but didn't want to make here final decision until she gets back home and we can talk face to face. When she first left for the internship I thought something like this was going to happen. Anyway, so after she told me that I lost it, and told that I wanted to work everything out and work through all of this. I told her I was waiting for her to come back... blah, blah, blah. Thinking back that was obviously the wrong thing to do. For that next week I continued to call her everyday to talk, not about the relationship, just about everyday stuff, I even sent her an email talking about all the things I missed doing with her and all the fun times we've had. Again, wrong thing to do.

So a week after I sent her the email, I called her and brought up the break again, because I wasn't sure exactly what was going on. So after talking about it and discussing some of the problems we had in the relationship, FINALLY (she usually didn't like to talk about things that were bothering her), we both decided that maybe the break was going to be a good thing for us. I told her that I realize that I was being overbearing and jealous, but I wanted us to work on things to get through this. I also told her that I didn't want her to feel like I was "leaving her down there" and that if she needed to talk, she could call me at anytime. She told me the same thing and also said that I am her best friend and that she doesn't want to lose me from her life and she still cares for me.

So from that point on, I have not contacted her at all. The only time I have spoken to her was when she has called me. Each time we talked (2 times in 10 days), I did not bring up anything about the relationship or anything like that. It was all light, friendly conversation. The last time we talked, at the end of the conversation, she told me that I could "call her later in the evening." I told her that "I didn't want to interrupt anything and that I am here if she wants to talk." Needless to say, she didn't call. So I have yet to actually call her. I am tempted to call, to say "it was really nice hearing from you", but I want to respect the "break" and not be a wimp/clingy.

BTW, this guy is supposed to be coming back for a couple days in October to work a dance/fundraiser for the place she works. So she will be seeing him again, which bothers me and she knows this.

This is not the first time that something like this has happened. Awhile back she became “close friends” with another guy in her neighborhood. He didn’t like me at all and kept bad mouthing me to my girl behind my back. I kept telling her that I didn’t like him and it bothered me that she was spending so much time with him. Eventually she stopped talking to him because he was “crazy” but this went on for months.

I am cool with her having guy friends, and she does have a few that I get along with and don’t mind. These “close friends” bother me because she pulls away and distances herself from me both emotionally and physically. I know that some of that is my fault, because I push her away by prying for answers and getting jealous. But for some reason, I don't think that she is honest with me all the time, even though I have never caught her in a lie or anything. Most of the time, she doesn't want to talk about anything concerning them. Most of the time, she just tells me to "Stop" when I ask her certain questions.

My questions:

Aside from the initial panic, is this the appropriate way to handle this break?

Do you think I am being played for a fool?

Should I even wait around for her to come home in November to talk about this and possibly reconcile?

Is it bad to ask questions about these "close" guy friends of hers? Or am I just being to insecure?

I really do love her and miss her, but I don't want to go through this type of situation every time a new guy friend shows up!

Any advice/opinions would be awesome!

Thanks,

J

It sounds to me as if you are putting your life on hold while she decides what's going to work out best for her. Now she does not have to feel guilty and seeing other people, but she knows you will be there if things don't work out.

You need to put your own best interest first. If she is not coming back to you, best you know now so that you can start to move on.

Perfect time to quote Talaniman:

"Never make a person a priority in your life, while allowing them to make you a option in theirs."

Man this sounds exactly like what happened to me. DO NOT PUT YOUR LIFE ON HOLD. Life will not stop for you and nor should you. It hurts man does it hurt, but feelings can not be forced on anyone by anyone. If she is confused let be her confused. You know what you want and she does not want that.

I do not mean to sound like an a$$ below.
She is trying to have her cake and eat it to. She has feeling for this other guy and is testing water. By putting you on break she is pretty much keeping you on the back burner if things do not work out. Do not do this because you are the one who will be hurt in the end. You are her comfort zone and if things do not work out will try to come back to you. I think she is playing you at the moment.

Please for your own good do not stop your life for her, get out and do stuff you have not. Enjoy life for what it is. Explore the world see what is beyond a relationship as I am doing the same. Doors open when some close.

The fact that she does not want to discuss stuff is a red flag waving away in your face. She is hiding something or avoid the truth.

Keep no contact as its best for you and is not meant to win her back. When ever you feel you need to contact her come on here and post, vent scream yell do what ever. Do not end up as friend's because you will only prolong the healing.

Its hard but do what is best for you.

Any girl with really "close" friends always worries me. Make it known early on in a relationship that you don't tolerate cheating, that you can be cool with her hanging out with other guys, but if she cheats she's gone. It shows that you are a man, and aren't afraid to boot her out the door. Also, understand that as a guy, you probably understand that most men don't just look to start random friendships with attractive women. They almost ALWAYS have a hidden agenda, and you should watch carefully.

Well I am going out and doing things with friends and family. I am also spending time at the gym and Karate class. But you are right, it is tremendously hard to see someone you love just walk away... especially after so much time and emotional effort has been spent (and now wasted) on something that you think will work.

Another thing she told me was that she thought the relationship got stale, and she didn't feel the same she did when we first met. Although I feel that this is something that could be fixed, I am not sure how to do that.

What's really putting me in a hard place is that I know I am going to be seeing her when she gets home. I am currently taking care of her pet corn snake while she is down there. So, for the time being, I am just doing my own thing until then.

She still stays in touch, but not everyday. I have not called her since we both talked about the break, about 2 weeks ago. She calls me when she has her days off once a week. I don't want to ignore her when she does call because I still care and want to know how she is doing, but I don't want to be the second man in her life either. I've told her this a few weeks back, so she knows how I feel. I just don't want her to think I am ignoring her.

I know I couldn't be just friends with her for the mere fact that I would want to kick the crap out of any guy she would be dating, but I have not told her that.

I don't want this relationship to end over the phone, I want to at least talk to her face to face and let her know how I feel in order to really get through to her. I feel like ending things over the phone is a cheap way out of something. Also I don't want to bring up the relationship with her because I know that it will make things worse, when really I just want to try to work everything out, if possible.

Hate to be the one to tell you this, but the relationship is already over, and you just haven't accepted it. You are still holding out false hope, that things go back to the way it was. It won't, sorry to say.

You must stop all contact with her, so the emotional dust can settle. Your allowing yourself to be dragged in to the friendzone, while she get the benefit of emotional support, while you dangle in limbo.

Treat yourself better than that, and put your need to heal, before her need to have a friend.

Sorry for your loss.

Thanks for the advice. I still don't know how I am going to handle the whole meeting when she comes for the snake. I guess I will use that time to actually talk things out with her, since that will not be until the end of Novemeber. Hopefully by that time, with the help of NC, I will be able to think through things with out getting worked up.

Who knows maybe she will want to get back together. But I'm not getting my hopes up after reading my posts and what you guys are saying. At any rate, I guess the best hing to do would be to ignore her calls and see what happens, and do my thing for now.

Thanks

J

Update. For a while me and her were talking about once a week. Then came the point where the fundraiser was taking place. I saw some pictures, and sure enough that guy was there. I also did not get an phone calls from her until the day he left, this past Friday. When she called me I didn't pick up because I was angry and also because I was going away with my folks for the weekend. So I ended calling her when I got back Sunday night. She was busy working and didn't call me until after I when to bed. We talked for 5 minutes and I told her I was tired and I would call her after my Karate class on Monday. So yesterday she tried calling me as soon as she got out of work. I didn't pick-up and proceeded on to my class. I ended up calling her later last night.

The conversation started of well, but through out it I noticed she wasn't giving me to many details about the week that she didn't call. She usually would tell me all sorts of things she did during the week when we talked. Well I kept asking her about what she did and she kept skirting around telling. So I finally flat out asked her if her and this guy did anything. She told me that they fulled around a little bit. Then I asked her if she actually slept with the guy. She didn't want to tell me. So I then said that if she had any respect for me at all she would tell me. So she said they did:mad::(, and I was instantly crushed. This whole time I thought that things would work out between us, but not anymore. She started crying hysterically and told me that she didn't intend for this to happen and she never wanted to hurt me. She also didn't want to loose me from her life because I am her best friend. I told her that I didn't think that I could be her friend right now, and that I didn't hate her for this. I told that I now have to to what I have to do and that she should do the same.

Finding out that she slept with this guy has totally devastated me. But even though I really feel down right now, at least I know that she has moved on and there is no chance that we will be getting together in the near future. I know she is really sad that she has lost a friend. I also feel sad about losing her as a friend too. We always got along well and had fun together, however if she came home today and wanted to hang out, I would not be able to do that.

I just don't know why she did this. She did tell me she wasn't fully happy when she was with me and this guy seems to have filled what was missing, but why choose someone who doesn't live in the same area. I mean she lives in Maryland and he lives in Massachusetts.

So I guess my next course of action is to not talk to her at all for a while. I don't know if I will ever be able to be friend with her. Has anyone else stayed friends with an ex?

I mean I don't even know what I feel. I still love her for some reason, but I am angry that she did this. I understand that we were on a "break", so I guess technically she didn't cheat on me, but I am still angry that she did this. At the same time I'm sad because I've lost someone I was really close with.

What do I do?

Sorry that you are hurt - but it's not surprising. I would not think about a friendship with her. The basis for friendship is trust - and she has not proven herself trustworthy.

Call one of her family members or friends and make arrangements for them to care for the snake until she returns. Continue on with your new hobbies and spend time with friends. This is a time for absolute No Contact - that means not calls, emails, instant messages, texts, etc.

It will take some time, but in the end you will be fine.

May sound like a complete d*ck but this is how I took your last post.

Correction she went on break so she could have a relationship with him with and not feel "guilty". He left she has no one now and you were on the back burner. Sorry to put it harshly. As far as remaining friends that probably is not a viable option for you as you are still, and most likely for a long time, hurt by her actions. In the back of your head you would hold that grudge unconsciously.

Love is such a strong word and makes us blind to many red flags that wave about in our faces. Ask yourself truly if someone cared as much as you did for her would they do such a thing?no.

You asked what to do now right? Well the answer is simple but actually doing it is the hard part. You must truly start no contact, no phone calls, no e-mails, no MSN, no myspace, no text messages and no communication. The longer the wound is left open the longer it will take to heal. The sooner you get things that remind you of her out of your face and packed away the sooner you will start to feel better. Stay away from alcohol as it will only make you feel worse later, Trust me on that. Go out with friends and learn to smile without her.

As for friends like I said I do not know if you would be able to left the past be the past down the road. I know I could not be friends with my ex right now and probably for a while because of how hurt I am/was over her actions. Let go of any hope of a relationship you might have with her that is if you are holding on to anything.

This is almost exactly what happened to me. Same age and everything. I feel for you bro! It is hard and it will sting for A LONG time. My ex is dating the dude she started to like while dating me. She never cheated on me, but pretty much broke up with me to date him. It hurts, and I know. Everyone else is telling you the same thing... Erase her from your life. She is dead to you. Not to sound harsh, but that is how it has to be. I am on day 10 of NC and it gets harder. The first month absolutely blows, but you can do it. You are an awesome individual with so much to offer, otherwise you two would have never been together for that long. Just keep your chin up and keep on plugging at life, cause life won't give up on you unless you give up on life.

Yeah, what you're feeling is normal grieving for what you had together and what you've lost.
But as someone who just went through it I can tell you over time your feelings for her will pass and you'll actually not want to talk to her anymore. It just seemed to happen for me, I went from running for the phone every time it rang to screening it to make sure its not her.
I can't say exactly when it'll happen but its something that just seems to click in your brain. You reach a point where you ask yourself why am I putting up with this crap?

Also be careful when you start noticing women again. At first it was more hormonal for me and almost overwhelming, I just wanted intimacy from anyone (I didnt). But now that more time has passed Im back to more cautiously deciding who to date.

Finding out that she slept with this guy has totally devastated me. But even though I really feel down right now, at least I know that she has moved on and there is no chance that we will be getting together in the near future. I know she is really sad that she has lost a friend. I also feel sad about loosing her as a friend too. We always got along well and had fun together, however if she came home today and wanted to hang out, I would not be able to do that.

What do I do?

Sorry man, I was about to suggest earlier today that she's not being entirely honest with you, but I didn't want to ruin your day.

This is the usual MO of a girlfriend who cheats on a boyfriend that she cares about. She'll want a break instead of just lying to your face for weeks to months. Because of this, you at least know that even now, she respects you, but she certainly doesn't respect herself. She's willing to destroy her relationship and jeapordize her own reputation for a single night of pleasure that she'll learn to regret. It will come back to her, there are no worries there.

I, as well as a bunch of others, have been where you are now. After seven months, my ex-girlfriend cheated on me while she was in Ireland. I regrettably forgave her and dated her once more until she cheated on me again, with a different guy, eight months later. I gave in to contacting her, begged her to be mine, shed a tear or two and was just miserable without her despite her infidelity. It wasn't until after two years did I fully separate myself from her. But, after it was all over, I learned a basic lesson: once a cheater, always a cheater.

What do you do? Don't be there for her and don't contact her, she has to know that what she has done is wrong. For how long? Months to a year(s). It's hard, but it's your best shot to heal from this, and plus, it's the best way to get revenge, too. Before you say it, allow me: "Well, what if something happens to her?! I need to know!" This is the one-liner that all victims of break-ups use as an excuse to keep in touch, I'm guilty of using it myself. Don't worry about her, there is a such thing as a hospital with an able staff and she has a family and friends that are more than welcome to take care of her. Even if she says she needs you, she really doesn't for the reasons I just listed.

Some good advice:
Never speak ill of your girlfriend, back her up against the world even when she's wrong. A man should always treat a lady with dignity and respect, no matter what; be a gentleman, hold the door open for her, sit down only after she's seated, actually listen when she speaks to you and don't just pretend to and so on. That quote applies here by restraining yourself from talking trash about her although she cheated on you, no one deserves to be subjected to baseless insults. As much as you may want to in the future (you will get angry over this, there's no avoiding it), don't do it, and don't let your friends do it either―I made that mistake, and me and that "friend" don't speak to this day. Adhering to this will test your own self-control, set an example for your buddies and women will think you're an ideal mate to have; you stand to gain a lot of respect if you do this.

On the contrary:
If your girlfriend is not making you happy or bringing joy to your life, fire her, that's what girlfriends are for. Well, dude, that's what you got to do. It implies no contact as well.

For your own peace of mind, this guy seemed attractive to her at the time, but the chances of her having a lasting relationship with him are slim-to-none. I say that because, in a matter of words, he is the reason you two broke up, and when she finally realizes that she threw away well over three years for one, selfish moment, she'll remember that he's the bad guy.

On a side-note, my cheater ex-girlfriend and I are friends and it took me over a year of no contact (about 90% of that year was NC). We're not close buddy-buddy like, but we're civil and will get together for a beer every now and again. It's not the end man, not unless you want it to be.

I may sound harsh, but understand that everything I have said is in your best interest, not hers. Again, I speak from experience, and when push comes to shove in a relationship, I know that you have to think for yourself and do what's best for you. I know it's hard, but you should consider yourself lucky―this isn't a cruel joke, you'll agree with me in a year's time―because this is a critical learning experience you got to be a part of while you're still young. When your emotions balance and you move on, you will gain wisdom and knowledge that many others don't have which makes you more prepared than they are for future relationships. It's the hard-times like these where you can really test yourself and find out who you really are.

Thanks for all of the advice. I've been really struggling with this. She was my first true love. I poured all that I had in to this relationship and received nothing but pain in return. This is the first time since I can remember that my heart physically ached. I never really knew there was such thing as physical heart ache until now.

I keep having very vivid dreams about her all the time that wake me up at night. One of which occurred this morning. I dreamed that I was having a conversation with her about at time that she went out with some friends. It was so weird. I actually felt like we were together and I was happy. It felt so real, then I woke up and came back to reality again and I broke down. Every time a memory pops in my brain, it's instant torture and sadness.

I am attempting to stay at work today. I've already pretty much broke down in front of one of my co-workers this morning. I had to take off yesterday because I was in no shape to go in. This is only the start of day 2!

THIS SUCKS BIG TIME!!

Stay at work. If you leave, you will only have more time to dwell on being depressed. Work is a great distraction. Throw yourself into a new project or ask for overtime. Keep your mind occupied for now.

Also, post as many times on here as you have to. Do not hold all of your feelings in. Sometimes you have to just let them go. Agree with the above post as well. As hard as it is, you have to ride it out. The last thing you want to do is go home and lay in bed and do nothing but think of this. Do WHATEVER you have to do to distract/trick your mind into thinking of something else.

Guys, I keep on thinking I caused this. When we both agreed to the break, we also agreed that we could see other people if we wanted. So even though she did sleep with this dude, I feel like a hypocrite now because I am cutting contact with her because of this.

Also I already f-ed up by sending her a text saying that I didn't hate her, but that I also could not be friends right now, and that I will always love her and wish her the best. I am so messed up right now in my head. I am both angry that she did this and miss her at the same time!

This is not your fault at all. She set you up. She got you to agree to a break so that she could do what she wanted while she was away and you would be there waiting when she came back. If she truly loved you and wanted to be with you then she never would have wanted a break. She took the easy way out rather than be an adult and address the issue head on.

I'm sorry that you are heartbroken. We have all been there. It sucks - but it gets better with time. You sound like a great, caring guy with a lot to offer. She didn't appreciate that and now it is her loss. You deserve so much better than someone that plays games with your heart.

Keep your head up. Put your time and energy into yourself - work, gym, friends. DO NOT COMMUNICATE WITH HER. No contact is so important if you want to heal. If you speak to her, only two things can come of it -- 1. The conversation goes well and it makes you miss her more, which makes you feel crappy. OR 2. The conversation goes poorly, which makes you feel crappy.

It's like breaking any habit - cold turkey is the only way.

You didn't agree to a break, you agreed to a break -up, and of course she went along with see others. That was the whole point.

What you didn't know was, she has no intentions of coming back, unless it goes badly, while you expect her to come back. It ain't going to happen, and it doesn't matter the reason why.

The only thing that's important is what you do next for yourself and move ahead with your life.

Leave the guilt for someone else, as you don't deserve it, nor does sitting on a pity pot is no where to be.

Read the posts of the ones who gave everything they could, and ended up being dump just the same. That's life! STUFF HAPPENS! Deal with it!

Guys, I keep on thinking I caused this. When we both agreed to the break, we also agreed that we could see other people if we wanted. So even though she did sleep with this dude, I feel like a hypocrite now because I am cutting contact with her because of this.


Ah, rationalization, yes, it's a b*tch.

We all could give you the best advice until the cows come home but you'll do what you think is right anyway.

Just keep reminding yourself that there's light at the end of the tunnel and that this isn't the worst thing that could happen. You'll sort it out eventually.

Don't let her pass the blame onto you man

Stay strong and forget her.

Its so funny when we say. And lord knows I have said it many times

Oh.. my girl? Pufff Never! She is not the one to sleep with anyone.

And yet they do :) its annoying isn't it.

At least you have done the right thing. You have accepted the end
And now its time to work on yourself.

Use all the pain and hurt and channel it into some productive. Believe me it works
I

Well guys. I just came back from tae kwon do class. I feel somewhat better (for now at least). Thanks for the tough love and slapping me back to reality. It really helps me process everything going through my head right now. Your all right if she cared, she would not have done any of this in the first place.:mad: I know that I have to absolutely not contact her at ALL. It's just really hard when you get thinking about things and how if you did this or that it may have changed something, when in reality the same thing would have happened. Its just really hard to keep my mind off this, even when I am doing stuff to try and distract me. It only helps for a small time, then everything comes back with a vengeance. One thing is certain, I didn't cry nearly as much today as I did yesterday, although this morning was rough.

Again I want to thank you all for the support all of you have given me and others. I am trying to deal with this the best I can. This morning was pretty bad. I had another dream about me and her together. In this dream we were planing a trip and then we kissed and said we loved each other. Right after that I woke up and it was about 3:15am. It really hit me hard and I felt like I went back to square one.

When will these dreams end? They are really messing me up!

The mornings and nights are always the worst. At the most right now, I probably get roughly 4 hours of sleep a night. Just keep faith that it will get better... WITH TIME. I have made a vow to myself to accept this challenge and do whatever it takes to make myself better. I have the dreams too, and they do hurt. Keep strong and for God's sake, don't EVER give up on yourself. We humans have an extraordinary ability to overcome even the worst of obstacles... even a broken heart. In the end, we will be better for going through this. Know that!

The dreams will stop do not read too much into them as they are just emotions trying to escape. I had a rough time with them to but they pass in time. Went you wake up after one do not dwell on it get up move about get a drink or something and remind yourself it was just a dream.

Guys, I know what she did to me and how she hurt me really bad, but I still miss her so much. It's really hard for me not to think about her. I really want to talk to her, but I realize that it would not get me anywhere. I just can get over the fact that she would leave and then sleep with someone else only a month later. I never knew our relationship was this far down the tube, that she would dump me a move on so fast. I know I did not treat her bad. Sure we had arguments, some that were bad, but this hardly ever happened. I just hope she realizes what we had was a good thing. I guess I missed some signs a while back that were signaling the end. We stopped having sex except for once in a while. She would not talk to me about things. She basically shut me out emotionally. But all of this seemed like it happened overnight a little over year ago.

Why didn't she talk to me about all of this? Why did she wait until now to break it off with me? Thinking about this makes me feel like she was just using me this whole time and keeping me around until she didn't need me anymore. I guess when she got down there to FL, she realized she didn't need me to help her do things anymore and decided to end it, an pursue this other guy.

I just wish I could tell her what's on my mind, so she knows how she is making me feel.

We all know you miss her. Sometimes it is just unreal how fast things can happen and how quickly the tables can turn. That being said, remember that! The pain will not go away fast at all! It is hard, it sucks and unfortunately she does not want to know how she is making you feel. DO NOT talk to her. Believe me, NC is the only way to go. I broke it after two weeks yesterday (she contacted me), and I feel dissapointed in myself. No contact does work, give it time and just tell yourself you will be all right. You will make it through this, but it is up to you whether you emerge stronger or weaker because of this. I think you will come out a better person...

Guys, I know what she did to me and how she hurt me really bad, but I still miss her so much. It's really hard for me not to think about her. I really want to talk to her, but I realize that it would not get me anywhere. I just can get over the fact that she would leave and then sleep with someone else only a month later. I never knew our relationship was this far down the tube, that she would dump me a move on so fast. I know I did not treat her bad. Sure we had arguments, some that were bad, but this hardly ever happened. I just hope she realizes what we had was a good thing. I guess I missed some signs a while back that were signaling the end. We stopped having sex except for once in a while. She would not talk to me about things. She basically shut me out emotionally. But all of this seemed like it happened overnight a little over year ago.

Why didn't she talk to me about all of this? Why did she wait until now to break it off with me? Thinking about this makes me feel like she was just using me this whole time and keeping me around until she didn't need me anymore. I guess when she got down there to FL, she realized she didn't need me to help her do things anymore and decided to end it, an pursue this other guy.

I just wish I could tell her what's on my mind, so she knows how she is making me feel.

That's another thing KC, it is going to be super hard to keep NC if she contacts me. I have tried to ignore her calls before all of this, but I always got weak and either returned her call or picked up. Again that was before I found out all of this. I think it will be slightly easier to ignore her now.

Oh, sorry for the double post BTW. I don't know what happened there.

Chances are she had been thinking of another for a while, and while you were in shock at a break up, she was moving on.

Not fair you say, maybe not but it happens, and that's what you need to remember, when you want to break NC. She has moved on.

Perfect time to quote Talaniman:

"Never make a person a priority in your life, while allowing them to make you a option in theirs."

I learned the slow painful way. I think Time and Space is a story of breaking it gently to you. Don't be a victim... Don't sit there and wait for her, it's all smoke and mirrors. It's a classic break up nice type of situation. She wants to protect your delicate feelings and try to be nice. But if you drag it on, stuff will start to hurt in a predicted, well thought out plan of dumping you. Please don't be a sucker for the oldest line in the world. It's over!
Don't be fooled.

Well, it's been a week with out any contact with her at all. I am noticing that I'm not AS sad as I was this time last week however, I still miss just as much. I've also noticed I've been sleeping better and, so far, the dreams of her have stopped. I've also been doing some self-reflection on how I felt about the relationship before she broke up with me. I need to get some of this stuff out in the open, mostly for myself to reflect on the realationship and myself.

WARNING... Long Sappy Reflection Post.

I'm the type of person that has always thought that things in relationships always work out when you put effort toward the issue and are determined to fix it. That's what I was doing for a long time. I noticed that she started to pull away long before the point of the break-up, so instead of realizing that her feelings for me may have been changing, I would try to figure out what was wrong or bothering her so I could make a change to fix things. Looking back, I was always the one making changes. I thought that maybe if I made the change myself and put in the work on my end that things would get better. Well, everything ended up becoming mostly one sided. I think I made so many changes that I lost who I was at some point in the relationship and was not the person she fell in love with. I think this may have been one of the reasons it ended, my determination to try and always make things better for her, at my expense. It didn't matter if what we were doing made me happy or not, as long as she was happy that's all that mattered. After doing this sort of thing for a long time, it started to wear on me.

I ended up turning into a different person. I was unhappy with the way things were going. That's when I started to resist changing myself, but started to want her to change. I began to realize that things were going on that were not right. I would try to talk to her about them and try to make her change, but this didn't get anywhere. Then I began to realize that she was not the person that I fell in love with either. When I first met her, she was sweet, caring and wanted nothing else but to spend time with me all the time. Then something changed, those character traits that I found attractive were not a strong as before. About half way through, other guys started coming into the picture. Some I was cool with, others I was not. I started to feel insecure and jealous about her spending time with the ones I was not cool. So instead of her changing her behavior to make me happy, I changed mine to make her happy and attempted to be OK with her hanging out with them.

I became a push over. I didn't want to argue about things and didn't want her to be mad at me or think that I was being "controlling". She never wanted to discuss these guys with me for fear that I would be angry at her. It ate away at me inside and only made me get more angry and jealous about everything. I think it started to eat away at her too. That's when the communication between us really took a hit. After that everything else followed in time(sex, intimacy, trust, etc.. ).

This was biggest biggest mistake.

Every time something came up, I gave a little more of my security and integrity away. It got to the point where I wasn't even sure I wanted to be with her. I even typed a letter to her explaining how I felt and gave it to her. She didn't even react one bit to it, because she knew that I wouldn't be able to go through with what I said in it. From that point on, about 1 year ago, I felt that our relationship was on shaky ground and that I was trying everything to keep her happy and with me... now that I think about this, I realize that a relationship can not be sustained by only one person, BOTH people have to be willing to change and compromise to make it work. Unfortunately I was the one making all the changes, but was to trusting and blind to see what was really happening. I became weak, insecure, and unhappy about the relationship because I wanted it to work SO bad and it wasn't.

I think all of this put together spelled the end for me and her. The only thing was, I was putting in all the effort when she wasn't or couldn't and I just didn't see it.

I should have seen this coming SO LONG AGO!!

The thing about all this is, even though I now sort of realize what happened, in my view at least, I still love her dearly and want to talk to her even knowing all I know now!! Thinking about this, I can understand why she broke up with me. I think she was realizing the same things too. I don't think she intended on meeting someone down there, it just happened. I can't blame her for that. I'm not saying that this relationship was all pain and agony, we definitely had some GREAT times together that I will remember forever! I just hope that some day we can move on and be friends again because I miss her... :(

I really feel like calling her and telling her this and talking to her about things, but I am not sure if the time is right, or if I should even do it at all!?

It sounds like you are finally being honest with yourself about the reality of your relationship. Good for you.

Yes, it is natural for you to still want to talk to her. You developed a level of communtication with her that was more intimate than with anyone else. RESIST THIS URGE! You must continue NC as you are definitely beginning to move forward. Believe it or not, when you are truly over her you will probably have no desire to remain friends with her.

Hang in there...

Stay NC. Now is not the time to express your feelings to someone that your getting over, but the urge to, is understandable.

It will pass. just let it!

Update...

Well it has now been 2 weeks of NC with her. I've been reflecting about things, at times, and realize that I really cannot blame her for what she did. The only thing I wish she would have done is to tell point blank her intentions instead of "trying to let me down easy". I know that she didn't have the courage to do that to me in her heart, so she did it the best way she could. I know she still cares about me, because I still care about her... it's just that I can't be friendly with her right now with out having the emotions and feelings come through. I feel as though, in time, I will be able to be friends. I want to remain friends with her. She was a major part of my life, and I don't want someone like that to just fall by the wayside. I learned a lot from her, and hopefully she learned a lot from me. Sometimes I wish that we would have met at a different time in our lives. I think that maybe if we were both a little older and wiser, we could have pushed forward and stayed together, but my inexperience and her youth determined the outcome of our relationship.

Enough reflecting...

This past weekend was great. My buddy from VA came up and we went out partying the whole weekend. Halloween was awesome. I ended up meeting up with my brother and going to a really nice costume party with lots of good looking girls. The only problem was they all had their boys with them... oh well. Sunday went out to watch the football game and ended up over another friends house (female) that I haven't seen in a couple of years. Had a good time there as well, although I felt like crap all day Monday due to a monster hangover. Last night I went out with my buddy from VA and my father, and had a good time as well. So, right now things are going OK for me I guess.

This morning my ex texted me to wish my father a happy birthday. I replied "Thanks, I'll tell him. Tell your mom I said happy birthday too." and left it at that. I really feel that she still cares about me and my family, in a friends sort of way, which I respect. I am not getting my hopes up about anything, but it was nice to know that she still somewhat cares I guess... but back to NC I go for now. I know I am not to a point where I can talk to her regularly, I just hope I didn't open another can of worms by replying. I not going to lie though, it did feel good to hear something from her. I still really miss her...

Maybe this friends thing can work if I give myself enough time. I can always stand to gain a friend. But for right now NC is the place for me.

Well... it's week 3. It's been pretty difficult thus far. I am noticing that the good days are starting to outnumber the bad days. Monday and today haven't gone that well but yesterday was good. I had another dream last night about her. In it, me and her were talking and she told me she was going away for good... and that I may not ever see her again. You will probably think I'm crazy for thinking this, but I swear that sometimes these vivid dreams that I have actually play themselves out in real life. Like I will have the dream, and when a big change happens, the exact seen of the dream either immediately precedes the change or immediately follows the change. Strange... but that a whole other subject.

This morning at work, I get an reply to an email I sent to her mother. She was updating me on how everyone is doing and giving me a time when I can drop my ex's snake off at their house. In the email, she said my ex got offered another 3 month extension on her internship, although hasn't decided on whether to take the offer or not. I am happy for her because I know that this is her dream that she is pursuing. However, I am sad in the fact that I may never see her again! I don't know why I feel this way. Someone in my situation should be happy about this right? I mean she is seeing someone else... why am I sad that she may be gone from my life for good?

I want to send her an email, congratulating her on her success down there... do you think that is wise?

You got burned by this girl, she allowed some other guy to get in the way of your relationship and she allows these guys to get in her life so that they have an opportunity to get her thinking about what it would be like to be with them. Why would you still talk to her?

You owe her nothing. I don't care if she wins an Oscar for "Biggest Biyaatch" don't contact her. She doesn't deserve your attention. Focus you attention on you, as you matter, she doesn't.

I don't know! That's part of my problem... I am struggling to let go. No matter what she did to me, I can't seem to stop caring about her or stop thinking about her for one day. Everyday she pops into my mind at least 2-3 times. I still love her and I don't know why!!

I am taking everyone's advice... I mean there are days which I couldn't care less and then there are days like today, where I feel lost and looking for someone to talk to that I have more than a friends only connection with.

I thought it would get easier to move on... but right now it feels so much harder to continue... even though I know what she did.

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do!

KC, I know your right. MY brain tells me your right, but my heart is keeping me from realizing that 100%. That's the difficult part.

Yep, me too. It is extremely hard for me not to email my ex during the day, cause I get pretty bored at work. You just have to make a promise with yourself not to do it. I know whenever I contact her and she doesn't immediately reply, I start to 'wonder.' I cannot keep playing mind games with myself. It isn't fair.

Your feelings are understandable, but do not act on them.

Be glad she is happy, and do what makes you happy.

We often get those feelings dredged up when we hear news of them, or see people, places, or things, associated with them.

Stay with NC.

No, it's not fair.

Tal, I wish there was a switch or something to turn my feelings for her off... because right now I would use it. It's really hard to fight them right now and I'm trying to suppress them because I'm on the edge of falling apart at work right now. I need something to do...

Yeah, I would use it too. The good thing is that you are human. Having feelings like this is a good thing, it really is. I means you have the capacity to love and to care. You cannot fault yourself for that. The one thing I keep reminding myself is that I LOVE A CHALLENGE. This is a HUGE challenge, the hardest I have ever had, but it only makes you better in the end.

Your right, your all right.

This has been the worst day since the day after I found out what she did!!

Thank god, I found something to do here at work for a little bit. Hopefully this will help some.

And thank you guys for being here for me, you don't understand how much this helps!!

You will have good days and bad, BELIEVE me. I am nearly three months into it and it ain't over yet, and I know that. Just keep talking it out. Whatever you do, don't contact her. I have done it time and time again. Only thing that does is raise more questions.

You are going to stay strong and just go with what your brain tells you because your heart at the moment is in no state to guide you. You need to give it time, not give up and for your own good do NOT contact her. No good will come out of it.

I went through the same thing about 4 months ago. At first you feel that your whole world is crushed. The first 2 weeks I couldn't eat or sleep and the first 2 months were the hardest thing I have had to go through in my life so far. Partly because although I went NC with her she kept on finding ways to contact me and get her message through. It gave me nightmares and endless sleepless nights. The hardest thing was that she managed to cut me off from our common group of friends. Its OK though and even after everything she did to me I still want her to be happy even if its with someone else. I know that I still have a lot to offer to the next person I am going to let into my life and that obsessing over something that I cannot change won't make me happy, it will just bring about negative feelings.

My advice would be to keep your head up as hard and as impossible as it may feel. Don't leave your job, it will only make things worse because you will have more free time to think. Keep busy with sports, going out, hobbies or anything that will put your mind off it even for a little while. And always keep in mind that the way you feel won't change from one day to the other but you will eventually feel better. Unfortunately there is no other cure apart from time itself. And this is coming from someone that at first thought there is no way on earth the feelings will pass.

You are still going to get your bad and good days but the bad will become less frequent as time passes by. Don't keep things bottled up. Just come here and vent whenever you feel you need the support.

A good strenuous workout, hot bath, two aspirin, bed.

What's going on? I hope everyone had a good weekend!

I had a great weekend with friends. I went out Saturday with some women from work (older women friends) to a college football game (Navy vs Notre Dame). It was awesome. We then went out to get some food and have drinks and whatever. I had a couple girls at the pubs noticing me and had one come up and actually talk to me. We had a nice friendly conversation about playing 8-ball. I got her name and introduced myself, but she was heading out the door with I am assuming either a guy friends or her boyfriend... I don't know, but it did make me realize that there is light at the end of the break-up tunnel. I know I am not at the point of dating yet... but I think I am at the point where I can start picking up numbers and talking to women again...

Sunday. I returned my ex's snake to her house. Her parents were really nice to me, as they always have been. They were like a second family to me, when me and the ex were together, so it was difficult for me to see them... but I got through it very well. I think her mom was actually about to cry as I was leaving. I don't think my ex actually told them the full story about the other guy, because her parents invited me to Thanksgiving... but I politely declined. It was still nice to see them and talk to them. When me and my ex's father put the snake back in to her room, I noticed that all the pictures of us were still all around her room... that kind of got me a little, but I held it together well. So I talked to them for a little while then went on with my day.

I went out to watch football with some of my buddies. That didn't end so well. One of my friends has a serious drinking problem and ended up getting kicked out of the bar... so we ended up all leaving then, although I wanted to go somewhere else anyway. So me and my other buddy went to this other place. Didn't have the luck I had Saturday though, but hey I still had a good time until the one of the friends I went there with got kicked of that place. So... that was a little crazy.

OK... so here is where I'm the idiot.

I didn't have my cell phone on the whole day because the battery died. So when I got home at 3am, I plugged it back in. Who should I see that sent me a text message... my ex. It was just a thank you for taking care of the snake. So me being a dumba$$ under the influence of alcohol I started typing a reply. Then a flood of emotion comes over me. Her parents told me earlier that day that she got ANOTHER 3 month extension at the place in Florida, but she is unsure if she is excepting it or not.

Anyway so I reply "Your welcome. Congratulations on the new 3 month extension!! I knew that you would be successful down there from the start." If that wasn't bad enough I then proceeded to write "Don't ever let anyone or anything hold you back from you dreams and from doing what you love. I will always love you and if this is the only time your going to be home for a while would it be OK if we met to walk and talk about things?" She replied "That would be very nice". Then I replied "OK...just tell me when. Be prepared because I still have feelings for you and this will be very hard for me. But I know this is how it has to be." Then I went to sleep.

At that moment it felt good... but now when I think back to it sounds so desperate. I feel like at that moment I just gave up all the dignity, self-respect, and strength that I had built up in the last 4 weeks. I am now questioning why I said all of that crap to someone that doesn't feel the same about me as I do with her. Sadly all of what I said to her in that message is true... and now she knows I still love her and my feelings haven't changed.

I mean I'm not sad that I sent it to her... I'm more angry at myself that I did. I feel like I failed myself and everyone here that keeps saying NC is the only way. I fell right back in her web... and now she knows it.

I can't seem to NOT love her. I can't seem to be angry at what she did for some reason... why? Where is the anger inside me? Where is the man inside me saying "Hey what the f*** are you doing!! F*** her!"?? I know that's how I should feel... but for some reason I can't. What's wrong with me?

Nothing is wrong with you. You cannot just 'fall out of love' with someone. You are going to fall many times during this process. The only that matters is that you get up and keep on moving. Keep your head up and keep moving forward.

I know that's how I should feel... but for some reason I can't. What's wrong with me?
Nothing is wrong with you, and that's just the way you are, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Firstly there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You cannot force yourself to not feel a certain way. It will take some time.

You were drunk and just did something you regretted when you sobered up. It has happened to all of us and there is nothing to be ashamed of. Just learn from this and either stay off alcohol for a while or even better just delete or change the name you have her number saved to something that will remind you to stay NC.

So what if she knows how you feel? Will it make any difference to you right now? Just focus on yourself and how you want to see things develop in the future for you.

Quick Update... more like a journal entry but an update on my progress

Well I've been doing really well. I've been going out with friends a lot during the weekends. The only thing is all of these friends are also friends or acquaintances with her. I don't mind much... we just don't talk about her and have fun. They all think she is stupid for what she did, and one of them even told her this to her face... but that is neither her nor there. The thing I notice is how empty I feel with out her. There are SO MANY things that remind me of her or something we did together. I'm just handling those feelings as they come. I haven't got to the point of really pursuing things with women beyond casual conversation... but I know I will be there soon enough. Its funny, when I used to go out with her, I would not notice other women checking me out at all... now I notice it pretty frequently.

She called me one time about 2 weeks ago and gave me a corny excuse why she called, she wanted directions to try avoid Washington DC. I humored her talked with her for a couple of minutes... but it was hard. I knew then that I was not ready to really talk to her regularly... so I haven't at all. I think she called me to see if I was still around and willing to talk and I shouldn't have, but oh well. On the phone, she talked to me like nothing really happened between us. Thinking back to what someone said in a thread I replied to, this was probably because she is a few months further in the healing phase than I am. At any rate after I ended the conversation... I really missed her and she was on my mind the rest of the day. It set me back slightly but not back to day one.

Cut to a week later to now my feelings move from sadness to disbelief to anger to acceptance to excitement. I am all over the place mentally right now.

I have finally started feeling the anger that everyone has said will happen. Sometimes I get these thoughts like "F-You...Why did you make a dumba$$ decision to do that. Don't ask me for sh*t anymore. I can't believe you left for 1 or 2 nights of pleasure with some a-hole from Boston.":mad: I mean I really get pissed off about it. Thank god I'm usually by myself at the gym or whatever when these feelings and thoughts occur. They kind of scare me sometimes because that's not me at all.

Last week, she texted me on Turkey Day... I replied wishing her and her family a Happy Thanksgiving. I'm trying to be more civil than anything right now. That brought back some strong memories and feelings. Its like my brain is just purging them from my memory so they will not come back for a while... which would be good.

The gym and karate classes really help to relieve the stress. I been noticing results especially physically and confidence wise.

I still miss her, but not as much as I did a few weeks ago. I still think about her 2-3 times a day for a few minutes at a time. That either makes me sad, angry, or disillusioned. I know that since we did so much together that these thoughts and feelings will be with for a while. I think she is probably dealing with the same thing as well. Our relationship was pretty good for a while. Everyone envied us and always complimented on how we worked so well together. That was when things were good. In the end it wasn't.

I saw someone post in another thread about how sometimes relationships are all about timing in life. I really feel that is true. She is still in her wild party phase while I'm in between the party and settling phase. When we first met we were both in the same stage, but as time went on I started to move in to a different stage in my life while she was still in the party stage. Sometimes I wish we would have met when we were both a little older, but that doesn't mean it would have worked out for the better. Oops...there I go rationalizing things again....

I guess everything happens for a reason, a reason that I hope I find out soon.

So for anyone reading this... it does get better with time. I was a wreck when I found out everything, but time is doing its job. A few weeks makes a world of difference. Hopefully soon I will move on to the next chapter.

Thanks for the support and reading my long posts. Happy Holidays! :)

Your doing okay, and as you get to the point you can cope with things on the next level, you will be better for it.

Just keep plugging away, until your ready to grab the world by the tail again.

Dude you really like taking a beating from this girl. Don't you? This girl has completely lost respect for you. Now let that sink! You know what you need to do now disappear. Don't take her calls, emails, text. My friend, once it's over, it is over. Enough to conduct yourself with. It will take sometime but you will get over her and move on. Good luck

Well the New Year is almost here. I hope everyone has had a good holiday. Mine wasn't the best, but I am dealing with everything the best way I can.. I guess.

I've been reflecting more about what went wrong between her and I. I've been looking back to try and see what I did to aid in the break-up and I realized that everything started going downhill with us when I started questioning my trust in her. I remember when we we first started going out, I didn't care who she was with or what she was doing. Then for some reason, as time went on something changed in me that caused me to question that trust I had.

This lead to a lot of pointless arguments and fighting. I said a lot of hurtful things to her during these fights. It is tearing me up inside to think about that. It is tearing me up to think that this whole thing may have started due to my unfounded lack of trust and insecurities. And now there is nothing I can do to fix this between me and her. The only thing I can do is fix this with myself.

This is really eating me up right now because I think this is the reason why her feelings for me changed. I've been feeling a lot of guilt and regret for some of the things I did when we were together. I wish there was some way to show her what I have learned and prove to her that I am still the person she originally fell in love with... but I know that the only way right now is stare the future and my fears in the face and try again. I will at some point, but only when I can finally deal with and leave all of the pain and regret that I feel right now behind me.

I never thought that I would have turned into that person, a type of person that I had no respect for before becoming one myself. A jealous, insecure, and distrusting boyfriend who didn't know what they had before it was gone.

Now I know and it hurts...

I feel like I am back to where I started. I thought that I was making progress, when in reality, I was just suppressing what I was feeling. The dreams are back. I still think about her multiple times a day. The memories are still haunting me. I've been staying busy and doing all sorts of things, but nothing seems to be the same anymore. It's like I don't get the joy I used to get out of things I used to like to do. When I'm out with friends, sometimes it's like I put on this false mask of happiness when I'm with them. Then when I am by myself, alone with only my thoughts, everything comes back, just like now.

I am really trying to follow everyone's advice and my own advice that I give others. I just hope this passes soon, because I feel like crap right now.

Life is a learning experience. You can not turn back time or take back things that have happened. You can only take what you have learned and move forward with it.

The holidays always make us miss people more. Hang in there. Time will heal.

It feels like it's been so long already, and I still sort of feel the same way when everything happened. I mean I don't feel crappy for days on end like I did when everything went down, but for some reason days like today still happen all the time.

It is so easy to idolize the people that were in our lives once they aren't anymore. That doesn't mean that they were ever angels in the relationship and we were the devil, it's our false preception of events after the fact.

Don't beat yourself up about it, you may have made a few mistakes but all you can do now is learn from them and make your life with someone else that much sweeter because you will be able to appreciate them while they are still in your life. Everything in life is a lesson, just be smart enough to learn yours.

The holidays quanitfy all of the lonely feelings we have. I am doing pretty bad right now, as I can't even think about not being with her tomorrow night... midnight, you kiss your girl... that kind of thing. For the first time in five years I won't be kissing her, and that hurts.

Just get through from about now until after Valentine's Day and you will have made it through the roughest part. You aren't the only one who blames himself or suddenly has feelings rushing back into you. I feel the same way, just keep your chin up and keep moving forward.

Thanks, at least I know I'm not the only one going through this stage right now. I hope that we both get through this quickly.

Yes, from now until Valentines Day is the hardest.

Remain strong. If you can get through these next couple months, you'll be fine.

After answering one of the new threads, I have come to a realization.

As I sit here and think about it, my ex is the one that isn't happy with herself. She cannot stand to be alone and single, and that's pretty sad. She always has looked to find her happiness in others, hence the reason why she just bounces along from one guy to the next. I don't know if she will ever truly find out what she wants. She always claimed she wanted to be alone and single for awhile to find out who she is, but then ends up right back in another relationship with another guy. When we broke up, one of the last things she said to me after I said I couldn't be friends with her was "Why can't I ever be happy...". Now that I think about it, she never will be until she learns to be happy with herself. That may have been the problem all along, and no matter what I tried to do to make her happy, she wasn't because she was not happy with herself. She would always put herself down, and talk bad about herself. I would always tell her that the things she said about herself were not true to no avail. I hope that one day she realizes this and truly becomes happy with herself instead of looking for happiness in others.

This is why the next girl I find, I hope, will be happy with herself. Nobody can make you feel happy, until you are happy with who you are. I know this now, and I am happy with who I am. I know what I want, I just keep hoping I find it. I know what I need to do to get what I want. I just have to find it.

Update:

I haven't updated this thread in a while. I've been going strict NC for 2 months now. I feel a lot better than I did when first starting. I don't think about her when I'm awake. I've been talking to and meeting other women. I'm finally just starting seeing them for who they are and not comparing them to my ex.

I've been doing everything possible to have fun and stay focused on myself. However, at night (last night and the night before) I've had these dreams of her. Very vivid dreams that I can remember as I sit here and type this. I miss her, even though I know with almost 100% certainty she isn't coming back.

I've been falling in the false hope trap too, pondering the what ifs. I know I have to stop, but it's hard when the memory of us being together remains. I know I still miss her, and think about what she is doing from time to time, but this doesn't nearly disrupt my daily life like it did a few months ago.

Now, if her name comes up in conversation, I can talk about her and our past with out getting emotional. I find myself comparing situations, or places, with things we did or have been to. It is really hard to not think of her or what we had. The smallest things will remind me of something... and it sucks.

It's like she is still there with me, but not. I guess it's my brains way of trying to make sense of everything and get me back to a point of normalcy. It's amazing how many memories you have of someone you loved after 4 years. It's tough. I feel for the people on here who have 5, 6, 7 or more years worth of memories.

I am doing better! I feel as though I am almost there, but the memories and the dreams do little to ease the pain.

I am continuing to move forward with this the best I can and trying help others along the way. I hope I've helped some, even though I may come off as an @$$ sometimes. I just don't want to see others make the same mistakes I did.

Update:

I am continuing to move forward with this the best I can and trying help others along the way. I hope I've helped some, even though I may come off as an @$$ sometimes. I just don't want to see others make the same mistakes I did.

Sometimes the best therapy to sorrow is through helping others. I know I come off looking like an a$$ sometimes, and I think that is because it is hard for me to sit back and watch people make the same ignorant mistakes I did... you are the same way. You have come a long way, and you are for sure better off going through this. Days get easier, day after day... I am happy for you, and proud of your progress. Although the skies aren't completely free of clouds, at least you know that the sun is starting to peak through!

Thanks to you, as you have helped me, and a lot of others on this site! I wish you continued luck in this process! You will get the happiness you seek! Have a great weekend buddy!

Carry on... :cool:

So it's been a few months since I updated my story.

Well over the past few months, I've been doing really well. I continue to go out with friends, have fun, go on trips, and go to the gym. I have recently started to become interested in some of the things I was into before my world got flipped upside down. I can't say that this whole time I followed strict NC with my ex, but the amount of communication we have had in the past 5 months has been minimal. I think I talked to her 3 times in that time. Each time I handled it WAY better than I thought... although I know I still have feelings.

A friend of mine was getting a big group of us together to go to an Orioles game. I told him that I was in as soon as he mentioned it. (Baseball is one of my favorite sports even though the Orioles suck) Apparently over the course of last week, some people backed out and he ended up inviting my ex... :rolleyes: I had NO idea she was coming.

Cut to last night... I meet up with everyone at the bar right outside the stadium. I'm standing there talking to my friend, who got the tickets, and I see my ex standing right behind him talking with some other people. My stomach dropped!:eek: I told my buddy that I didn't know that he invited her. He apologized, because he knows the situation. I told him not to worry about it.

I could have not said anything to her, and avoided her, but I sucked it up and made the first move. I said "Hi" and gave her a hug. We were talking and we were both glad to see each other. When we all went inside to get our seats, she was sitting in the row below me in a seat right in front of mine. So, through out the whole game we talked.

I can't say that I didn't enjoy talking to her. I was nice to find out about her family and some other things. I handled the situation WAY better than I ever thought I would. I could have easily went off and acted like an a-hole... but I didn't. I definitely learned something about myself last night. So she txted me later after the game asking for direction to a particular restaurant. I called her back and told her, and also told her it was great seeing her again. She then brought up the whole being friends thing. I told her it was hard to be friends because of the relationship we had before. She understood.

After seeing her... I now have "fresh" memories of things. It's a little hard to deal with, especially today, but it's not as bad as I thought it would be. I can't say I got knocked back to square one. I'm not going to say that I don't feel anything either, but I now know what it will be like if I ever see her out.

It's funny, my buddy came up from VA this weekend. I brought him, his girl, and his younger sister to the game with me. His younger sister is 12 years old, and she has the street smarts of someone my age. The whole game she kept telling my to stop flirting with my ex and pay attention to the game. After the game, she told me that it looked like that my ex still liked me. I told her that if things were different, I might actually believe that... Kid's are great. They don't over rationalize things. They always see things through innocent eyes and can really shed some insight on certain things. They take the simplest approach and make decisions based on the details at hand. I think as adults, we loose that ability and tend to over evaluate things. Sometimes I think its good look inside to our inner 12 year old and see things in a simpler light.

WOW... what a week!! :p

I have to applaud you on the way you handled yourself in this situation, and coped with your own feelings in such a positive way. Well done.

Sept 17, 2008, 03:04 PM - first post.

Today, 10:08 AM - 6/14/09

These are not the same person.

Thanks Tal for all of your help, and everyone else who helped me along the way. You are right! Now that I read back through this, I can see the way I've changed and how I've gone from some one who has felt completely dejected and hopeless, to a person who IS incharge of his life and his emotions.

I've learned so much about myself over the last few months, that many things that used to bother me don't anymore. This is life and things change... we have to learn how to deal with things the best we can.

THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO HAS HELPED ME ALONG THE WAY!!

Jmw, bro, you are the fricking man. Dude, letting people follow your story is pretty awesome. And its not even a story, its your life. I am kind of speechless in the fact that the emotions you have went through are so real to everyone who has been in your shoes.
I wish you wouldn't have talked to her or went to the game but with all said and done now I hope you never look her way again.

I have went through such agony these last six months, not counting how bad it was the prior six months to my break up in January.

Your journey has been a turning point in my life, this very moment, you have made someone better who really needed to be inspired.

I pray that you get the best in every area of your life from here on in.

All I can say is wow.


Thanks for letting us follow, let me know when you get married because I'll either send a gift or come down with it.

Elousia, I'm glad my story has helped you out. It makes me feel good, that someone else can look to my experience and gain some insight to there own. BTW... It may be a long time before I go the marriage route... LOL. I'll keep you posted if it happens.:D

I just re-read the thread again. I can still remember feel what it was like for me back than and what it is like for me now. I've realized how far I have come from the person I was a few months back and it is amazing. Back then, I never thought I would get to the point of being myself and living my life, but I have!

I hope more people like you will read my story and realize, after a few months, things DO get better. I'm not going to say that I'm 100% back to normal, but I'm WAY better off now than I was!

Elousia, just keep moving forward and doing things you enjoy. I will say the three biggest things that helped me through this struggle have been:

1. This website
2. Going to the gym and martial arts class
3. Not turning down ANY social invitations

This is how you distract yourself, have fun, and live life. Be spontaneous and do something for yourself that you have never done before. It's awesome and the memories you will get from that will last forever.

To anyone else who has been following this, keep you head up high and challenge yourself to get over this minor bump in your life. Life is so much more than girlfriends and boyfriends. Life is about having fun and doing things that make you feel proud and happy about yourself. It's about the relationships that form and relationships that fall. We all learn from each of them and get stronger after each bump and turn our road of life takes.

If you are reading this and you feel like your world is crashing down, remember that there will be a point when you get out of the rut and can start enjoying what you have. It will not happen right away, but it will happen. It will not be easy or painless, but once you get through it, you WILL be stronger!

Had to spread the rep JMW, but I am proud of you and I am happy for you! Keep on going man!

There is a movie called the "Yes Man" that I would recommend for those going through a rough breakup. It is about creating chances in life to experience new things, and open doors that you automatically shut when you are stuck in a depressed attitude.

Thanks KC! Hey, you have come along immensely on your journey too. Congratulations!

This site, and the people on it, have helped so much. I am so glad I stumbled upon it when I did. The advice I received her is priceless. I could have easily went out and bought one of the "get my ex back" books. I'm glad I didn't and chose to follow the advice here. The difference between the advice here and the advice in the books is unmeasurable.

Here, you get advice and support from multiple people who have been through, or are experiencing, every type of situation imaginable (each being unique, but similar).

In the books, you get advice from only one or two people, who claim to be experts, who are capitalizing on people's emotional pain, with advice that 9 times out of 10 will not work.

I'm glad I saved my money and stuck it out with the help from everyone here!

The advice from the 'Get them back' books, doesn't rectify the problem. They just promote continuing the dysfuction.

The advice here builds you back up and is by far the best advice around. You come out a better person then you were.

Great progress, by the way, JMW.

Time for an update...

Well, unfortunately my saga continues. I was doing really well over the summer. Then about two months ago my ex calls me. At this point I can't remember why, but she did, and we started talking again. We would talk about 2-3 times a week. I even got to the point of hanging out with her a few times... I should have known that the reason why she was talking to me was the fact that she was lonely after breaking up with the guy she left me for. Anyway all of this was a huge mistake on my part. Insert adjectives to describe me in this situation (emotional tampon, security blanket, second fiddle, love sick puppy, crumb catcher... whatever).

I fell into the trap of false hope and believing I could be friends with her. This was all a sham. I came to realize this on Halloween night. I didn't have any plans, and her and her friend (a friend of mine as well) were going out. I should have stuck to not having any plans. We all went out and basically I subjected myself to the painful experience of watching her moving on. It was absolutely horrible. I did all of this against my better judgment. I won't even go into details about the prior weeks and what I heard and did.

After subjecting myself to all of this, I made the decision to end all of this myself, once and for all. I don't know if I mentioned how everything was before this, but she would periodically call me to "see how I was". Usually that was her excuse to talk to me when she needed something. I've come to realize this all now, months later than I should have. So I drive her and her friend home (I was DD). After her friend left the car, I told my ex to never call or text me again. I told her that the I thought I could have been friends with her, but after noticing the feelings I still had for her and watching her dance and flirt with other guys, I had to end this for both of us. I was feeling awkward and hurt when she was flirting or whatever, and she felt awkward when I was doing the same. I told her that for the benefit of both of us, we have to truly split paths, instead of pretending we did. She thought I was angry at her and I told her I wasn't. She has to live her life with any complications from my end. I told her part of that life is meeting new people and hopefully finding someone who will be good to her and treat her with respect (something she has not found since leaving me). I told her I'm trapped in a place where my feelings for her are holding me back from living my life and that contacting her at all is detrimental to any progress I have made so far.

I told her that I love her and wish her the best and hope she finds someone who will respect and treat her well. She told me that she hopes I find someone who really appreciates me and is better for me than her. I gave her a hug and drove away...

That's how this chapter of my life ends. All the progress that I made almost feels like it is gone. However, I definitely learned a valuable lesson from this that I would not have learned better any other way. I believe that I am stronger and more aware of myself and am better able to judge what other people are looking for when I meet them. However, with the positives come the negetives... this has been the hardest experience for me. The thoughts of losing someone close to me have come back. I am also second guessing my decision somewhat, but only time will tell if it was ultimately the right choice. For me right now, I know it is, unless I was to have a pseudo-friendship with her. That would not be fair to either of us. I now know why they say, the best teacher in life is experiencing life itself... the good, the bad, the mistakes and the successes.

Now I'm left dealing with the hang over... I hope it doesn't last very long.

Naw, I think after learning your lesson, you will be more focused on what you need, and won't fall for that just checking line again. The good news is after you recognized your own feelings, you acted appropriately for yourself.

No I certainly won't. I finally know how I have to proceed, which I should have done so long ago. I just sucks that I've essentially wasted the last year of my life spinning my wheels and not moving on. I'm finally ready. I've shut and locked this door and am looking forward to the next one that opens down the hall.

I'll tell you one thing, I am NOT going to be such a push over anymore. I am going to stick up for myself and not let anyone control me or any decisions I make. I've become more of a man in the last week than I have my whole life, because I finally did something that was good for myself instead of suffering and taking hits for the good of others. I've realized that this is not the way to live. I've lived my whole life like this. It's time that I finally stand up for myself and get what I deserve!

Great story buddy. Man... a whole year of living and learning.

Yea... Hopefully my story will help others avoid the mistakes that I made. Time after time, people give out advice on here and no one listens. I didn't even listen to myself. Sometimes some people have to learn the hard way. I am one of those people.

Ya know jmw,

I was thinking tonight about how the dumper cuts the cord clean. That's what they want, however they planned or did it.

The dumpee now has to spend time and will, severing the same tie and cuts away until its 2 parts again. That's healing.

Its all up to how fast & whatever methods work to get there.

But the result, if you work hard is awareness and true self love.

I say this because I am at that severing point.

Cheers,
Van

Van, you're 100% right. I guess the only thing that matters is that one way or another we get there. No matter the path we choose, we all get there, one way or another. I'm just glad I found this site. With out it, I would probably still be banging my head against the wall. Everyone on this site is fantastic. I have no clue where I would be with out you all.

I already feel better. It helps to know that other people are going through the same type of mess that I am and are learning the same lessons that I have in the past year. No matter what we will all get through it.

Actually, don't show her anything.
Show yourself.

You are the man. Word up.

Simpsonb, your post is about 1 year too late. Thanks for telling me to grow some balls! I think I felt them in the shower this morning, so I guess that's progress. As far as me being the dumbest bloke on the planet... that's your opinion, and I don't care what you think about me.

Yea, I was a pushover and a wimp. She didn't treat me well, left, and crushed my confidence and emotions. I sacrificed and gave too much of myself to a relationship that I really wanted to work. I know this now and will not let that happen again.

A relationship is a two way street, but somewhere along the line I didn't follow that anymore. Everyone learns from their experiences and mistakes. I can't put a value on the lessons that I've learned from this experience. Everything I've learn and went through has made me more wise and a better man all around.

As for the snake, why should he have been the victim for something he had nothing to do with? I was taking care off him before she ran of with her most recent ex. He was like the innocent child involved in a divorce. I would have never flushed him down the toilet. I should have probably given him back to her family, but my mindset at the time was different. As far as her stuff, I really didn't have any. The only thing I still have that she gave me is my football jersey, and I'm not getting rid of that! Ed Reed is tha man!

@vanheart: No! You tha man! I've been keeping up on your thread. Great job on the progress you have made!

Thanks buddy.