I could only share this behind the privacy of my computer screen. I'm too embarrassed to talk to my therapist about it even and that's what he's there for. But for some reason, I think sexuality is fine for everyone but not me. I can't think of myself in a sexual way, let alone go out and do it. I don't know why I'm like this. I've grown up with a belief that there's something really wrong with me. My parents aren't bad parents, they just weren't good at emotional stuff and made me feel bad a lot of the time, unintentionally, but I'm dealing with that. Maybe that has something to do with it. But as I come to terms with that, it doesn't change how ashamed I feel. I wasn't sexually abused and I'm not religious. I just feel like its gross for me to do it or even want to do it, so I don't. I don't think its bad or dirty for other people to do it. But I couldn't ever impose myself on anyone because I think no one should settle for me, yet I'm a kindhearted, smart and attractive young woman (or so I'm told, you know,I know I'm not "ugly"). I don't look at myself like that, id never describe myself as sexy and even though I'm blessed with a nice curvy body I don't feel 'womanly' I still feel like a child in some ways. The reason I mention that is because its not like I can't get laid, most people probably wouldn't suspect I'm like this.

I can't admit to anyone that I'm still a virgin and I cringe at the thought of telling people because I'm ashamed of it. I can't remember ever feeling OK with my sexuality. And I really wish I could experience normal relationships. I've never met anyone like me, because naturally anyone like me wouldn't talk about it. Thanks for reading my long post :(

Hi, sad_eyes!

How old are you, please? It would be helpful for people here to know that.

Thanks!

Hey there clough, I'm 22

Thanks for letting us know, sad_eyes! I'm sorry that I was not immediately available when you posted your response to my question. I'm sure that there will be others who are going to respond to your question. Please know that you will receive excellent advice from folks on this site and that you can rest assured of being anonymous to others here!

sad_eyes... is it the fact that you are NOT sexual that bothers you, or is it the fact that the people around you are sexual and you aren't that bothers you?

Big difference, because it sounded like your insecurity is stemming from what other people think you should be.

Not everyone approaches sex the same as others. And some of the sex portrayed in "movies" can be nasty/dirty. I personally do not enjoy it and think it's gross, but for the sake of my boyfriend I am working on that ;) (That is an evolved behavior from me too... I didn't always look at it this way)

I was however raised that sex before marriage was a sin, blah, blah, blah

I'm not sure how to tell you to work out your objections, but I do think you should share this with your therapist.

It's nothing to be ashamed about. I discussed my total lack of desire and objections with my gynecologist...

Also... virginity is NOTHING to be ashamed of. That's actually a pretty special thing to hold on to these days.

It's yours... all yours ;)

I read an article not too long ago about how this generation of Americans is different from past generations because of how intrusive the computer and other mechanical devices are in their lives. Sort of like young people now are less connected to real people, or something like that. I wish I could remember more, but perhaps, if you Google it, you will find the article. It was excellent, and it may apply to you.

Life is a great panoply of wonderful things to do. Life is also full of deep heartache... perhaps, you are just too emotionally young at this point... haven't experienced and been responsible for enough of what your life is all about, the ups and the downs, so you haven't developed a deep personality. Perhaps, your parents have been taking care of you, so you have been sheltered from everything out here in life?

Sexuality is all about desire and passion... you may not have developed these strong emotions yet. Now, you are starting to get older, you may want to start finding your buried sexuality by reading erotica and see what turns you on. Work on finding and developing your dormant sexuality. :)

Just some thoughts...

Kindest regards,

Thank you choux and confused for your answers, they're both relevant and its nice to have a different perspective for a change. In answer to your question confused, I think your right, that it is more of what is going on around me that makes me feel abnormal. There's a part of me that wants to fit in and be considered normal, however that stems from my own self beliefs that something's wrong with me. Can I ask you a personal question? What does your boyfriend think of your lack of interest in sex?

And choux, the part about desire and passion, so relevant, because I think I've grown up thinking that I don't deserve what I desire, and so I'm feeling lost in my life even career wise, I have yet to discover something I'm passionately interested in, and so I don't know what to do with myself. I've been holding myself back in a lot of ways. Not quite ready to look into the erotica thing yet, but its something to look forward to hehe. But ill look into that article you were talking about

Sad_eyes,

Please don't be ashamed that you're a virgin.. there are so many STD's out there and that is something you don't have to worry about! Call it a blessing..

The harder you are on yourself the worse your problem will be.. just understand that you have some emotional issues that need to be worked out.. don't pressure yourself into thinking that your soposed to feel a certain way... Just because most of society feels a certain way about something doesn't mean it's right...

Just work out your past and feelings with your therapist... if you can't trust the therapist, then you're never going to trust anyone.. start with that and take it slow and enjoy your single life while you have it!! Have fun!

In regards to our lack of sex, amazingly he has been very kind and understands what I am going through... though at times I think he'd really just like to scream! LOL

We went through times where he would get really frustrated and tell me there is something seriously F**KING wrong with you.

I made an unconventional offer to him... after all I've been through over the last 7 years I had lost all desire... I told him he needed to go and get a girlfriend LOL

I keep working on it, he has been very patient.

He honestly thinks I hate sex and everything to do with it. That's simply not the case... I just don't think about it... hardly ever...

Sad eyes, I really think you should talk to your therapist about this, this could be a chemical imbalance and easily corrected with medication.

I am sorry that you are so down about this, and I wish that we could help you more, but really, you should be discussing this with your therapist, don't be embarrassed, everyone has something in their life that they are embarrassed or scared to talk about. I also told my story here on AMHD, not to a therapist, and it helped, but I think in your case you need some testing done and a professional opinion about all of this.

I hope that things get better, and that you start to find your way.

Good luck.

Sadeyes,

I think you have hit the core of the problem. You feel that you don't deserve having a good, happy life. That you are somehow not worthy of all the best life has to offer.

Those feelings about yourself have to change over time. I think you need to talk with a therapist about how and who and what made you so negative about yourself. Parental treatment, religion, childhood abuse... whatever it was.

No one would ever judge you adversly for being a virgin, Virginity is precious and should not be given away until you know it's the right thing to do with the right person. So don't be ashamed of this at all.

You have a poor self image, so you need to work on that. But you do know that you are good looking and have a nice figure.

One exercise would be to go out and purchases some sexy underwear and clothes that would make you look sexy. Do you hair, your makeup and dress up in front of the mirror, do some role play and practice at being the sexy desirable person that you are! You might even have fun!:D

21/m virgin

I don't think its anything to be ashamed of. Just takes time. Sounds like you have a few self esteem and confidence issues, and maybe a low sex drive. I have a low sex drive, and mainly consider sex for reproduction and pregnancy... some of the kinky stuff other people do, just seems nasty to me. But everyone's different.

Has your therapist given you any kind of diagnosis on anything else? Because you could be experiencing some kind of depression. You said you didn't receive a lot of emotional support from your parents and that can leave a person feeling like there is 'something missing'... in more ways than one.

I don't think it's so much that you can't see yourself being sexual... but that you can't see anyone caring about you enough to be sexual with you.

I think you need to try some self-help programs. Even though you say you look good and you have a nice body start going to the gym. It will make stress go away and you will all around feel better about yourself. Every morning when you wake up, say five things that you love about yourself in the mirror. They don't have to be superficial things, but just 5 things that make you awesome. Such as, "I am strong" "I am beautifully tall/short" " I am an intelligent, beautiful woman and any man would be glad to have me". Also try to take some classes. Classes as in, something that you can consider YOU time. Try pottery or maybe take a gardening class. Anything that makes you feel better about you and gives you more time to concentrate on you, is good for you!

Once you start feeling better about yourself you will realize that you like who you are and that who you are deserves to be loved... and all those problems will be washed away.

Wow, aad eyes. I have similar problem like yours.

I am a virgin also. I think it's more of peer pressure. I hang out with guys that are also virgins and also do hang out with other guys that already done it.

I personally will wait till I am married. Yet I couldn't care less about sex. I am by the way a computer geek yet I am good looking.

I also have friends that when I go out they would get girls walking up to them but not me.

My parents also don't emotionally support me. I mean if I done something huge like find the cure of cancer my parents would be wow that's good. They wouldn't be excited for me or anything like that.

It's also possible if you have a less sex drive that you may have a hormone imbalanced.

Other then that it's possible to be a beginning of depression. I can say I do have a slight depressions but I don't take any medication.

The reason is because I personally think that depression is a natural thing. I have read many stuff about it.

You get depressed when life is not going the way you plan it too.

Hope this helps.


Don't be ashamed about being a virgin it's the best thing ever. Sex has to be the most boring thing you can do lol.

So I personally think your not missing much .

So you shouldn't be embarrassed about your sexuality.

The advice I have is to find out if you have a hormone imbalanced Google it for symptoms.

If you do have it I advice trying first herbs to correct the problem rather then meds.

If you can't fix the problem with herbs then see a doctor.

Hope this helps.