I know this question has been answered on here before, and I have read through many of the answers to it as well. However I just can't help but to post my situation to see if is unique when compared to others.

I am 20 and in university. Last year I met this girl and we instantly clicked, like no one else I have ever met before. Intellectually we are on the same page, we have great conversations, we bake together, have occasional dinners together and when ever we're together the flirting is obviously present and originates from both sides. Our personality types are similar and when thinking about us being in a relationship I can objectively say that we would be happy. It really feels like we have this great chemistry, and everybody around us see that too.

However she has a boyfriend. Though not a typical one. He lives on the other side of the continent. They see each other maybe, once a year. They have been 'together' for about two years now however I can sense a lot of tension in the relationship via the conversations her and I have. People we know generally regard their relationship as, perhaps, dysfunctional.

So I guess my questions are:
Is it necessarily right for me to have feeling for her, while she's in a relationship?
Should I tone down our friendship?
Is it acceptable to drop hints that maybe she needs to rethink her current relationship?
Is it wrong to tell her how I feel and possibly jeopardize our friendship?
Essentially, what it all boils down to, is it wrong to want her to leave him so we can be together?

Any other suggestions and pieces of advice if wholly appreciated, especially are there are many angles I have no thought about and a fresh perspective is greatly needed.

[QUOTE=CanaJUB]Is it necessarily right for me to have feeling for her, while she's in a relationship?[/QOUTE]

We can't control feelings but we can control actions so keep out.

[QUOTE=CanaJUB]Should I tone down our friendship?[/QOUTE]

Yes because she's taken and you're only hurting yourself. She doesn't belong to you.

[QUOTE=CanaJUB]Is it acceptable to drop hints that maybe she needs to rethink her current relationship?[/QOUTE]

Yes but make sure to stick to the facts not because you have hidden agenda.

[QUOTE=CanaJUB]Is it wrong to tell her how I feel and possibly jeopardize our friendship?[/QOUTE]

Would you like someone to do what you'r doing to your Gf just when you're away?

[QUOTE=CanaJUB]Essentially, what it all boils down to, is it wrong to want her to leave him so we can be together?[/QOUTE]

It's a natural feeling because you like her but no matter what, it's wrong you do things purposely to get her while tied to soemone else. She will leave her BF if she feel she's not happy but she's staying.

To me it sounds like you are dating, going out, cooking, and doing things together,

So it sounds like she has two boyfriends to me, you locally and someone else far away. The only issue is, who will she finally decide on.

You is her "rebound"...

I think you need to step away. Honestly if she breaks it off with her BF then pursue. Don't confuse her, because although she may leave him for you how often do rebounds work for long? I think it would be very wrong as a person to try and break them apart.

What I honestly see happening here, she might go with but in the end will end it and go back to the former.

Go for it bro.. or u'll regret it later

There's nothing wrong with anything in your list of questions. I appreciate how restrained your list actually is. We usually read "should I date her anyway" and garbage like that. You didn't do that.

So, do what you want, all is fair in love and war, but keep your dignity. Do not BE a cheater, nor tolerate it in others, and least of all tempt someone into it. The point of telling her ANYTHING is to get her to officially free herself up to pursue a real relationship with you. So be noble, let her know for sure, but be a gentleman.

Nothing happens between you two at all until she breaks up and proves it, OK?

I have to strongly advise not to. Tabbarat hasn't been on the other end of this stick. If she doesn't leave on her own I will bet money on your relationship will not work. I can't state how wrong it is to try and take apart a relationship.

How would you feel if it happened to you? You have no idea.

I am on the other end of the stick! Read my own question

U both are right... he should tell her how he feels, but not manipulate her into cheating... let her decide what to do with what he says

He would have no regrets, and she still has the willpower to tell him, no, lets stay friends

i am on the other end of the stick! read my own question

u both are right...he should tell her how he feels, but not manipulate her into cheating...let her decide what to do with what he says

he would have no regrets, and she still has the willpower to tell him, no, lets stay friends
Your pretty much on the same end of the stick as he is. I read your post. I don't want to sound like an @ss but do understand any attempt to break a couple apart regardless is wrong.

Your situation involves a rebound, I'm sorry.

Tabbarat, would you appreciate any man to pour any feelings to your GF while dating you?

...any attempt to break a couple apart regardless is wrong. I respect your position, but I completely disagree. I would adjust to the following:

"Any attempt to break a married couple apart is wrong."

If you're still single, you're still fair game. If you can be tempted into breaking up with a boyfriend by the attentions of another boy, then the first relationship wasn't strong enough and was doomed anyway.

If it IS strong enough, your showing interest in her will get you nowhere, and may serve to strengthen their already strong relationship.

Basically, showing interest is fine. All dating is about testing and learning if the feelings of love you have for someone can actually BE selfless... or not. If not, well, it doesn't really matter how you find out that truth, once it's known, it's over.


would you appreciate any man to pour any feelings to your GFAgreed, it would be hard, I wouldn't like it. Not the point though, is it? The point is "can our relationship stand up to someone else's interest my girlfriend. "

That's worth knowing.

About my post: I didn't break them apart.. she moved to dubai and she broke it off with him after rejecting his marriage proposal... all I'm doing is trying to get back someone I love.. trying to act while she is still confused; show her that the past is smthg, present and future are smthg else

Maybe right, maybe wrong... but have to find out myself.. have to try... I HATE regret, and am strong enough to handle whatever the outcome

As for our friend here, you are right.. breaking up a couple is wrong... all I'm saying is he tell her how he feels, and let her decide... either they stay friends, or SHE ends the relationship... like I said, he shouldn't be a manipulative bad person and try to trick her or make her cheat

Yes! She has the free will to tell him to piss off.. I love my boyfriend... if not, then she wasn't FULLY in the relationship... and no, I would hate someone flirting with my girl

Wow thanks for all the quick responses!
I must say that I would feel bad for intentionally breaking them apart. However, it also saddens me as her friend to know that she's in this relationship which appears to be going nowhere. So from what I'm gathering, the general consensus on this forum is against any such action to wedge them apart.
JBeaucaire, I would say that my heart is more inline with your responses however what do you all think about telling her how I feel? Do you think that it would jeopardize the friendship we have and make things awkward? Or would it be possible that it would help explain to both of us why we do the things we do?
Personally I would never, advance into a relationship with her unless she decided to break it off with the other. But do you think that it's possible to tell her how I feel without it turning into the cliché 'choose him or me' situation?

Any other word of advice from people is greatly appreciated.

I know this question has been answered on here before, and I have read through many of the answers to it as well. However I just can't help but to post my situation to see if is unique when compared to others.

I am 20 and in university. Last year I met this girl and we instantly clicked, like no one else I have ever met before. Intellectually we are on the same page, we have great conversations, we bake together, have occasional dinners together and when ever we're together the flirting is obviously present and originates from both sides. Our personality types are similar and when thinking about us being in a relationship I can objectively say that we would be happy. It really feels like we have this great chemistry, and everybody around us see that too.

However she has a boyfriend. Though not a typical one. He lives on the other side of the continent. They see each other maybe, once a year. They have been 'together' for about two years now however I can sense a lot of tension in the relationship via the conversations her and I have. People we know generally regard their relationship as, perhaps, dysfunctional.

So I guess my questions are:
Is it necessarily right for me to have feeling for her, while she's in a relationship?
Should I tone down our friendship?
Is it acceptable to drop hints that maybe she needs to rethink her current relationship?
Is it wrong to tell her how I feel and possibly jeopardize our friendship?
Essentially, what it all boils down to, is it wrong to want her to leave him so we can be together?

Any other suggestions and pieces of advice if wholly appreciated, especially are there are many angles I have no thought about and a fresh perspective is greatly needed.



Listen.. u feel what you feel . There is nothing wrong especially because she flirts back
Don't tone it down... tone it up... spice up your relationship... if you know she likes you then don't be afraid to follow your heart... listen main key words::: FOLLOW UR HEART... me and these other people don't know exactly how you guys act around each other... we haven't observed anything... u know what's right even if you don't think so... wats the first thing that comes to your mind when you ask yourself.. if you want to be with her.. don't think about the what ifs.. because ull regret it later... take a chance... it won't hurt.. if she doesn't except your feelings.. then she isn't a real friend.. nd onli someone treating you like a rebound.. but if she accepts your feelings.. then she cares for where you guys are getting to in the future... go for it... good luck! :D

Go for it means TELL her.. not try to get her in the sack! ;) you, dog, you! Haha!

I don't think long distance relationships work at all, so I think you should advise her, tell her how its better to be with someone near, because she don't know what that other guy is doing. So I think you should give it a try, but tell her you don't want it to ruin your friendship with her... good luck

Dude,if you really want her,the LAST thing you want to do is "confess" your "feelings" to her.Do that,and you're toast.First make sure you really want her romantically,sexually.If that is the case then the "friendship" is dead,if there ever was one.

So you know where you stand.

What to do then?Disappear.Make her wonder happened.After she has inquired explain to her that you can't be "friends" with someone you want to bend over a table and f their brains out.

Yeah,those exact words.

See what happens..

I disagree with giving her advice on her current relationship especially because without wanting to sound harsh it would be biased. She is the only one that knows whether the long distance relationship she has is right for her. You don't know all the details so it is therefore impossible for you to judge that. Don't try and make her think of things that are not crossing her mind at the moment like what the other guy might be doing. The truth is if it didn't fulfill her then she would have already walked away. The last thing you want is to force two people apart.

There is nothing wrong with having feelings for her. And she might have feelings for you and there is nothing wrong with that either. What would be wrong though would be for you to interfere with her thoughts and for her to end up cheating on her boyfriend. She has the power at the moment and if you both have feelings for each other then the decent thing for her to do would be to break it off with the other guy before doing anything with you but that is a decision that she should make without being influenced by anyone else.

My advice would be to keep hanging out they way you do. If she really sees what you see in this she will realise that maybe her current relationship is not giving her all she wants and might decide to end it. But she needs to figure that out herself. Because if she is influenced by your advice it shows poor judgement on her side and how do you know that down the line she won't get influenced by someone else? People don't change and the way she will deal with all this should be a good way for you to figure out how she might deal with a similar situation in the future.

You have feelings, and want more than a friendship, but does she??

I think you are the one with the confusion, as she has not made any attempt to change a thing.

Life is full of risks, so you can let her know how you feel, and maybe ruin this friendship, or enjoy it for what it is. The bottom line is how you deal with it.

Me, I balance my life to include more than just her, and make sure of my own feelings, before I just unload on someone else.

Stay out of her business, that's false hope you don't need, and surely a move in the friend zone.

For sure whatever you do, will change things, for the better, maybe, maybe not.

Everypone have said mostly everything there is to say, but here are my 2 cents.long distance relationships DO NOT WORK. It has been proven over and over so the boyfriend is not an issue. The worse thing you can do is tell her how you feel right now.give yourself time to get to know her maybe she is not who you think she is and the chemistry that you feel is not what she feels.sometimes we see what we want to see(I have made that mistake many times) trust me if she does see that you can make her happy she will let you know.

You have feelings, and want more than a friendship, but does she???

I think you are the one with the confusion, as she has not made any attempt to change a thing.

Life is full of risks, so you can let her know how you feel, and maybe ruin this friendship, or enjoy it for what it is. The bottom line is how you deal with it.

Me, I balance my life to include more than just her, and make sure of my own feelings, before I just unload on someone else.

Stay out of her business, thats false hope you don't need, and surely a move in the friend zone.

For sure whatever you do, will change things, for the better, maybe, maybe not.
And this, IMO is the best advice I've read. (Sorry Tal, have to spread some rep.)

So I guess my questions are:
Is it necessarily right for me to have feeling for her, while she's in a relationship?
Should I tone down our friendship?
Is it acceptable to drop hints that maybe she needs to rethink her current relationship?
Is it wrong to tell her how I feel and possibly jeopardize our friendship?
Essentially, what it all boils down to, is it wrong to want her to leave him so we can be together?

Any other suggestions and pieces of advice if wholly appreciated, especially are there are many angles I have no thought about and a fresh perspective is greatly needed.

1. Your having feelings for her while she is in a relationship are neither right or wrong. It's what you do about them that determines that.

2. If your feelings for her is straining the friendship, then yes, you should tone it down.

3. I think if she ask you for your opinion about her man,give it. Otherwise keep it to yourself.

4. Ask yourself if you're telling her because you want a chance at her, or if you want to help her. That is what will determine the right or wrong of it.

5. If this young lady has no problem being in this long distance relationship you should step aside, and leave her alone because you are thinking of you and what you feel.
When someone is in a relationship with someone, as far as I'm concerned they are off limits to me. If I were to find myself liking that person, I would back off because for me that is just not cool to mess with someone's relationship.
Only you know what your motives are. Whatever you decide to do, just be willing and ready to face whatever consequences transpire.

I'm amazed at how morally scrupulous some people here are and how unscrupulous others are. It's almost like there's no middle ground.

I recently had this whole problem. Met a girl in a tour group, we were on the trip for a month. Got on well, nearer the end, we were pretty much "together". She was 'seeing' someone before the trip, nothing serious, never had a serious relationship in fact.

Made 'promises' to meet. Initially we kept in contact than over time less and less. Now nothing. She decided not to meet with me until our group reunion. There is a long distance issue and we both want to do different things in the mean time. Who knows what the future holds, she might be with someone now and didn't want to hurt my feelings? Who knows...

I made my views known to her though and that's all you can do with this girl. I know I won't have any regrets. I said what I needed to say. The ball in her court or your girls court. If they don't want to play ball, let it go, for your own sake.

You can continue to be a friend? But this will only end up in your own misery. Concentrate on other things as I am trying to do, cut out the contact, plan other things etc. When I meet up with this girl in a month I am sure ill ask her face to face how she felt... However at the end of the day, try not to go to attached, make it fun, stay away from attached people and keep a separate fulfilled life always!

I am going through something similar. A girl I like has a long distance boyfriend. Here's my opinion:

Breaking them up by trick, slight, sneak, on purpose will seem as a ploy to the girl, and she would be right, it is.

However you seem like you feel strongly for this girl and I do my girl. So what I would say is that if you two are friends, and the flirtatiousness is there, then she may be weighing her options. You must give it time... I know its hard, but only hang out with her if she truly is your friend and NOT because you're waiting to date or be in a relationship with her.

In all reality there is NO SUCH THING as the FRIEND ZONE or if there is, its meaning and description are a bit tangled. Its not a place of no return, it actually is like a FAST PASS at disneyland. The women I know, PREFER to date a friend rather than a stranger, because they at least know him a little better.

And by the way, women become your friend because they are curious about you, and the BIGGEST KEY is to be genuine. If your friend likes you as a friend, show her you can be more than a friend. Not by telling her, or sleeping with her... that is one way, but then if you two do become a couple, your relationship will be marred with guilt. SHOW her you care for her, love her. Be nice, but don't be a pushover. Be there when she needs you, but not every waking moment of the day or everyday... that's just creepy.

If this girl you like trusts you enough to hang out with you with just the two of you, she really is contemplating her long distance relationship. Not that it will end, but she's not sure.

So just give it time. If she asks you about liking her, take her aside and tell her the truth face to face. More than likely she already knows the answer and wants to know if you can tell her straight out.

Lastly, be mindful and respectful of her feelings. If you decide to tell her, do it when you two have some free time, do it politely, and not while she's at work, not over the phone or email, but in person if you can. If not in person, then phone is the next best. Be prepared, nothing memorized, but just know what you are going to say and see what she says. Also if you know she has a big event or something the day you want to tell her, you can still do it, but I suggest setting up a time she's not busy. The one thing you don't have to worry about is her boyfriend coming to kick your out of jealousy... that is unless he's in town, if that's the case... wait until he's gone.

Its up to her on what to do, if she feels the same way toward you, then she should break up with her boyfriend. If she doesn't she should tell you. If the latter is true, then, yes it will hurt. There's no guarantee the one you love/like will love/like you back, which is why it makes this very DIFFICULT.

Long distance relationships do work, but they are far and few between and take lots of energy and work, along with trust and hopefully honesty.

-walt